


tongue tied

by izayas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Love Triangles, M/M, Mutual Pining, Unrequited Love, there is apparently quite a bit of pain and suffering in this fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 06:57:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 172,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6646807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izayas/pseuds/izayas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"so you're hooking up with oikawa, the guy i'm in love with, because it's the only way you can deal with kenma, the guy you're in love with?" iwaizumi asks slowly.</p><p>kuroo frowns a little. "i can see why you punched me now, iwaizumi. i totally deserved it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. bright cold silver moon

**Author's Note:**

> kuroo/oikawa as friends (with benefits), endgame iwaizumi/oikawa and kuroo/kenma. love triangle is oikawa/iwaizumi/semi. other minor (mostly implied) ships: bokuto/akaashi, kageyama/hinata, and daichi/sugawara. 
> 
> thank you to loveandallthat for being my beta ♥

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "...oh, god."
> 
> to: shittykawa

**To: Iwa-chan**

_iwa-chan! still studying? (*^_ _▽^*)_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_iwa-chan answer me_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_IWA-CHAN ANSWER ME (_ _≧Д≦)_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_tetsu-chan! let's play!_ _＼（＾▽＾）／_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_not again_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_there's still silly string on the ceiling and when are we dealing with that statue anyway_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_no, no not that! im waiting for iwa-chan but he's being slow (_ _ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)_ _ﾟ hang out with me?_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_yes i am now shut up_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_so mean!_ _、ヽ｀(~_ _д~*)_ _、ヽ｀_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_oh sure. where?_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_room 7259 of chem building! (_ _ﾉ´ヮ´)_ _ﾉ*:_ _･ﾟ_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_ill be in 7259 for when you're done though! o(^_ _◇^)o_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_tetsu-chan and i will play until you're finished (/^_ _▽^)/_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_play? what are you, six?_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_AT LEAST NOT SIXTY LIKE IWA-CHAN_ _(ꐦ ಠ皿ಠ )_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_lol looks like you_

**To: Iwa-chan**

**_(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻_ **

* * *

_"You may call me Oikawa-sama!" Oikawa introduces himself with a bright smile._

_Kuroo stares at him. They're two of the few people in the lecture hall because graduate students have the same sense of timeliness as undergraduates. Kuroo's sitting in the third row from the front and had been texting Kenma when this person suddenly comes up and introduce himself brightly. Kuroo didn't realize this was a tactic of making friends but, luckily for him, Kuroo can go with just about anything._

_He smirks and locks his phone, turns it face down. "Nah, I"ll call you Piggy-chan."_

_There's an aghast expression but Kuroo catches onto the glint in his eyes and decides this kid's interesting. He likes him._

_"Mean!" he pouts._

_"Princess-chan?" Kuroo offers instead, smirking and moving his stuff aside so Oikawa can take the seat next to him._

Oikawa meets Kuroo Tetsurou on the first day of class as a graduate student because Kuroo Tetsurou is the kind of person who takes a class for organic chemistry students for fun. So Oikawa calls him a nerd, to which Kuroo stares at him.

_"You're getting a master's in ochem."_

_"You're taking this class for fun, Tetsu-chan!"_

He raises an eyebrow at the nickname but smirks and seems to allow it. Oikawa smiles and from then on, they end up as good friends, matching each other in terms of work ethic and sass. One of the earliest sources of conflict is what Kuroo has saved him as in his phone; Oikawa eventually allows it because he saves everyone as a nickname. But when he introduces him to Iwaizumi and finds out Kuroo has Iwaizumi saved as 'iwaizumi' while Oikawa is saved as 'princess-chan' he throws a fit again.

Anyone who Oikawa has intentions on being friends with is introduced to Iwaizumi. It's not something Oikawa goes out of his way to do; Iwaizumi's just such a big part of his life that anyone who Oikawa hangs out with often will eventually meet Iwaizumi. He's glad when Iwaizumi and Kuroo get along, though is a little annoyed because _"Iwa-chan, you never listen to me when I talk about covalent bonds!" "because you make them sound shit boring."_

Oikawa's waiting in an empty classroom, backpack and textbook on some desk. He's already finished his homework, even doodle a bit on the chalkboard and left some nice diagrams for whatever class is coming in tomorrow morning. He's waiting for Iwaizumi so they can go home because walking together has become sort of an unspoken part of their day that's only skipped if absolutely necessary. Oikawa doesn't mind waiting around while Iwaizumi is at his study session.

Except Oikawa's bored.

He's _really_ bored now.

He's been texting Iwaizumi to try and entertain himself, but Iwaizumi's responses are slow and Oikawa figures he should let him study. He texts Kuroo instead and is pleased when he says he's free.

Humming, he pockets his phone and pushes off the ground with his feet, flying backwards in the rolling chair as he shoots a crumpled piece of paper towards the trash can. He's watching the paper soar, wondering if it'll go in when the door opens suddenly. It interrupts the makeshift ball's trajectory and Oikawa whines as it bounces off and lands on the floor.

"Tetsu-chan! You ruined my _shot_!"

Kuroo Tetsurou raises an eyebrow, stares at the piece of paper by his feet. He picks it up after pocketing his phone and lets the door close behind him as he walks over to Oikawa, turns and easily makes the shot. He smirks at him. "Not even hard," he says airily as he slips his backpack off, sets it on the ground. "Need to work on your aim, Oikawa."

"I was _moving_ ," Oikawa explains and watches as Kuroo walks over to a desk and sits on it, meeting his challenging gaze with a raised eyebrow. "That makes it harder."

"Right. Just keep making excuses for why you suck."

Kuroo Tetsurou is a twenty-four-year-old biochemistry graduate student, spends his free time lounging around, studying, or, apparently, screwing around with Oikawa Tooru.

Kuroo gets along with everyone. It's always come naturally to him to befriend people; he's got a pretty laid back personality, one that easily lets him adapt to other people. It's like he's got a trait to fit with everyone; with Oikawa, it seems that trait is sass. Oikawa's a good person, he can tell relatively quickly into their friendship, he's just incredibly stubborn and horrendously immature.

But Kuroo is too sometimes, so that's probably why they get along.

Kuroo doesn't expect much from graduate school, just hopes to get his degree and go into research. Biochemistry has always been his forte and his passion; maybe he'd like to teach, he thinks sometimes. It could be his duty to pass off his infinite breadth of knowledge because he is always that kind.

(Kenma once choked on his rice when he heard that.)

He hadn't expected to make a friend like Oikawa. Kuroo's closest friend is Kozume Kenma, somebody he'd grown up with since they were kids. Their personalities seem opposite; while Kuroo is laid back but charismatic and easygoing, Kenma is quiet and withdrawn. He comes off as standoffish and rude to some people, but Kuroo knows he doesn't mean it. It upsets him to know people think of him that way, though he's become more confident as they've gotten older and that makes Kuroo happy.

A lot of things about Kenma make Kuroo happy.

"Hey, hey, Tetsu-chan."

Kuroo raises an eyebrow, doesn't like how Oikawa seems to be happy and eager.

"Yeah, Oikawa?"

"I've got a joke."

"Oh?"

Oikawa seems especially proud and Kuroo mentally prepares himself.

"So a proton and neutron are walking down the street. The proton drops an electron, so he tells the neutron and asks him to help look. The neutron asks if he's really sure and the proton says…"

Oikawa takes a very dramatic pause.

"…Yes, I'm _positive_."

Kuroo Tetsurou has been subject to some bad jokes, as he's close with Bokuto Koutarou who can't seem to stop talking about owls, but this, Kuroo decides, _this_ is an all new level.

"…Oikawa."

"Funny, right?!"

"Don't ever tell a joke again."

He smirks at the way Oikawa's entire expression falls.

"M-mean, Tetsu-chan!"

A few more awful chemistry puns later, Oikawa eventually gives up, is quietly sulking. Kuroo's grateful that he's seem to run out; it's been a long day and he's not sure if he's got enough stamina left to deal with more jokes. Kuroo gives a sigh and looks out the window, knows that Oikawa will stop pouting sooner or later if he just waits it out. "So you're waiting for Iwaizumi, huh?"

Oikawa nods, standing in room 7259, which is where he once spent the night with Iwaizumi after a party. The building is exactly halfway between where the party had been and where their apartment is. So in a burst of inspiration, Oikawa announces they spend the night in the chemistry building.

So drunk he had been arguing with a statue, Iwaizumi had agreed.

Kuroo smirks, brings a leg up to fold his ankle under the other knee. "You two act like a couple. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were dating."

Oikawa huffs as he walks over to stand in front of him, hands in his pockets.

"Iwa-chan and I are just friends, Tetsu-chan! Besides, I thought you _were_ dating Pudding-chan."

Kuroo gives a quiet laugh as he leans back on his palms, neck craning as he looks out the window and Oikawa finds himself watching him. Kuroo's saying something but he doesn't pay attention, thus prompting him to look over again. His eyes are lingering on his Adam's apple when he realizes he hasn't been listening, eyes flitting up in time to catch Kuroo and he grins innocently enough.

"Like something you see?" Kuroo teases, raises an eyebrow.

Oikawa smiles.

"There's a stain on your collar."

There actually is.

Making a face, Kuroo sighs. He shifts again, bringing his leg down so both elbows can rest on his knees as two fingers come up to rub at his collar. Oikawa doesn't move, even though Kuroo's so close he may as well just lean his head against his chest. It's surprising how close he and Kuroo get; the only person Oikawa is truly close to and confides in is Iwaizumi. Kuroo isn't Iwaizumi. Kuroo isn't even close to being what Iwaizumi is to Oikawa, but Kuroo _is_ the person he's most familiar with in this department.

Maybe it's their personalities.

Provocation expert meets people reader.

A match made in heaven.

(Hell?)

"Could be a lipstick stain," Kuroo says after a moment with a smirk.

Oikawa laughs.

"Tetsu-chan's such a bad kisser she has to make excuses to get away? That's sad."

Kuroo's smirk widens, head lolls back as his half lidded eyes go to watch Oikawa. "That was awfully quick. Defensive?"

"Nothing to be defensive about!" Oikawa sings.

It's quiet for a bit.

"Does Tetsu-chan want me to prove it?"

"You want to kiss me? I don't blame you."

"Well, Tetsu-chan, I would let you cut the line."

"Of people who want to punch your face in?"

"How mean…"

It's quiet as the subliminal message of this conversation sinks in. They say nothing and though the topic could be awkward for many, Kuroo and Oikawa aren't most people. So Oikawa stays where he is and Kuroo doesn't keep from his leg brushing against Oikawa's.

Oikawa's pretending to be very interested in the traffic he can see from the window when Kuroo breaks the silence.

"Mm… Oikawa."

"Yes, Tetsu-chan?"

"What would you do if I were to kiss you right now?"

Oikawa can't say he's surprised, so the way his eyebrow arches is more from interest than anything else. It's not that Oikawa thinks about kissing all his friends, but there's something about Kuroo. They're friends, they're just friends and Oikawa is absolutely sure of that, but something about Kuroo has always seemed like a challenge. Maybe it's the way he smirks or the way he acts, how he seems unattainable (and he is, from an emotional aspect), but something about Kuroo Tetsurou presents itself as a challenge.

Oikawa is never one to back down from a challenge.

A corner of his lips quirks and he meets Kuroo's gaze evenly, gives an enigmatic shrug. "Well, Tetsu-chan. Why don't you try and find out yourself?"

Oikawa isn't one to link physical intimacy solely to love. It does mean more, feel better with someone he cares about. When he kisses Iwaizumi at age sixteen, he explains the small flutter in his stomach as Iwaizumi being his best friend and refuses to linger on it when that kiss had been more electrifying than the good night one with his date.

Kuroo straightens and Oikawa feels his hands on his hips, obeys the command to step forward. Leaning down until their lips meet in a gentle kiss, Oikawa's arms unfold, hands opting instead to cup Kuroo's face and tangle in his _absolutely ridiculously atrocious_ hair. Oikawa befriends Kenma—he's the type of person who can befriend anyone if he makes a genuine effort—and is introduced to a plethora of bad hair pictures of baby Kuroo, something he occasionally threatens to blackmail him with.

Right now, though, Oikawa's definitely not thinking about that.

Kuroo tastes of black coffee and Oikawa's sure he tastes like the caramel latte he had earlier. Taste aside, though, Oikawa will admit that this is one of the better kisses he'd had the pleasure of experiencing in his lifetime. It's slow at first; it's gentle and sweet. They break apart at a natural pause after the kiss, though still stay close enough to feel each other's breath on their lips, foreheads touching. Their eyes remain closed, but Oikawa can feel Kuroo smirking.

He gives a breathless laugh.

"Not bad, Tetsu-chan."

"Have to say… expected better from you."

Kuroo's most likely bluffing, knowing what buttons to press to irritate him. Oikawa knows that, and yet he takes the bait, accepts the challenge, leans in and kisses him again. He steps closer and grasps Kuroo's hair, yanking harshly to force his neck back. Oikawa's smirk into the kiss is short lived; Kuroo bites down on his bottom lip and he gives a slight groan. A hand releases the black hair in favor of moving down his chest, fingering the zipper teasingly before starting to ease it down.

The first kiss is good, but this second kiss makes it very evidence that he's kissing Kuroo Tetsurou. Because Kuroo's not a sweet, kind, gentle sort of guy (unless the person he's with is Kozume Kenma.) He's snarky and sassy, sort of an asshole, has that bad boy type charm that intrigues and draws people in. This kiss is reminiscent of that. There's a tinge of pain and yet he can't help himself, keeps wanting to kiss him more and more, lose himself in it entirely.

But then the door opens and Oikawa looks over, doesn't bother stepping back and just smiles. "Iwa-chan!"

* * *

**To: kenma**

_hows miyagi?_

**From: kenma**

_fine. how was your exam?_

**To: kenma**

_did well on it, thanks to you_

**From: kenma**

_i didn't do anything_

**To: kenma**

_you sat on me until I studied_

**From: kenma**

_the floor was hard and cold_

**To: kenma**

_glad i can provide comfort. can you ask my mom to make some food?_

**From: kenma**

_tell her yourself_

**To: kenma**

_but you're there. and she can't say no to you_

**From: kenma**

_i am not your food mule_

**To: kenma**

_fine, fine. hurry back okay? getting bored without you. also running out of instant ramen_

**From: kenma**

_i know for a fact you can cook_

**To: kenma**

_don't feel like it_

**From: kenma**

_...fine, i'll ask your mom. make sure you're wearing pants when i come back_

**To: kenma**

_THAT WAS ONE TIME, OKAY_

* * *

Iwaizumi realizes when he kisses Oikawa for the second time at age sixteen.

Oikawa's going on a date with a girl and "needs to make sure he can kiss well" so Iwaizumi has been called in for _practice._ He doesn't think much about it at first; their first kiss had been with each other when they were fourteen, since Oikawa was throwing a fit and Iwaizumi just wanted him to shut up. He hadn't thought twice about it. It was a simple press of the lips that successfully silenced Oikawa, left him with a satisfied smile.

But this time when Oikawa pulls back, Iwaizumi wants to pull him back in.

Every cliché suddenly becomes relevant. There are butterflies, there are tingles, there are fireworks. He's left a bit dazed, lips feeling a buzz he can only compare to that of alcohol, and his heart is beating almost sickeningly quickly. He hardly hears Oikawa prompt him for an evaluation of the kiss; all he can see is his stupid grin, stare at his lips, want to kiss him again.

_"So?"_

Iwaizumi clears his throat.

_"…Yeah, you're set for your date."_

Iwaizumi Hajime is officially in love with Oikawa Tooru.

Sometimes he wakes up in the morning and is still in disbelief. Not because he's lucky enough to fall in love with his best friend, not because he's unlucky enough to fall in love with his best friend, not because his soul mate is his best friend, not because the person he's meant to be with is his best friend, but because he's _in love with goddamn-shitty-narcissist-whiny-annoying-insufferable Oikawa Tooru._ It drives him crazy and he just asks him _why_ every single day, but then answers his own question with:

_How could I not?_

Because Oikawa is loyal and hardworking, kind and determined. He's got a work ethic that Iwaizumi's always admired, always gets back up when he's fallen down. It's amazing. It's _incredible_. Oikawa's incredible, constantly inspiring and pushing Iwaizumi. He's strong but also has his flaws; while Iwaizumi will get frustrated that Oikawa constantly feels like he's not good enough, he also lives for those moments of success because Oikawa's happiness is his happiness.

Iwaizumi's in love with Oikawa and as much as it sucks, he's accepted it.

So now they're twenty-four and Iwaizumi realizes that a third of his life has been spent agonizing over his ridiculous infatuation with Oikawa. Except it isn't just infatuation; it's everything he'd ever dreamed about, except no one told him being in love would _suck so much_.

He bids his study group farewell; about half of them send him off with smiles but the other half keep studying and Iwaizumi can't blame them. There's an exam in a few days and if Oikawa hadn't been forcing Iwaizumi to study with him at regular intervals throughout the term, Iwaizumi would more likely than not also be in that state. It's incredibly surprising, but Oikawa's a good student. There have been a few times where he's pulled unfortunate all nighters, but for the most part, he gets his work done.

Iwaizumi doesn't quite understand Oikawa sometimes.

So Iwaizumi leaves early because of three reasons. One, he doesn't need to keep studying with them. Two, Oikawa's waiting and the longer he waits, the more he whines. Three, he can't focus on capillaries when his confession is acting as his bookmark.

Stopping in front of an elevator, Iwaizumi's holding his textbook on human anatomy. But when he looks down, it's not the skinned person that has him flinching. It's the envelope on top of it. It's a simple envelope and Iwaizumi can't believe he's going to confess with a _letter_. It's better than a text, of course, but a _letter_. He's so cheesy. It's like he's transported himself back to high school, is now one of those girls who always hang around after practice or games to wait for Oikawa to appear.

He can't believe himself.

Iwaizumi's always been fine with their friendship. It kills him on the inside, but that's okay. But because of outside forces planting the seed of an idea in his head (he _should not_ have let Kindaichi watch _Inception_ ), Iwaizumi's feeling this nagging desire to just tell Oikawa and get it over with. He understands the risks. He knows he's going to expose himself to someone who's incredibly good at finding weak points and exploiting them.

But this is Iwaizumi and Oikawa.

So Iwaizumi summons all the courage he's ever had, borrows some from the future, and pens a letter in order to confess. If he does it verbally, he'll end up swearing and probably hitting him. If he just hands him a letter and waits as he reads, it's much less likely he'll spew profanities and engage in violence.

Oikawa's always been someone Iwaizumi's comfortable around, so being nervous today is a first. Oikawa is his home, he thinks. As cheesy as that is, Oikawa is the one person he'll turn to when everything is wrong and spiraling.

So he's going to confess, get it over with, get it out in the open. If Oikawa doesn't feel the same way, their friendship should be strong enough survive it. If he does…

Iwaizumi's stomach flips and he pushes the thought away.

He hates false hope.

Stepping in, Iwaizumi watches the different floor numbers light up, heart thudding more rapidly as he nears seven. Part of him feels like the elevator is going too quickly. Another part feels like it's going to slowly. And another part just wants to hurl.

The elevator dings upon arrival and Iwaizumi steps out, takes a deep breath. It's silent; it's not unusual for the seventh floor of a lower traffic building to be deserted on a Tuesday evening. Classes are over and if anyone does hang around, it's usually in the libraries. Iwaizumi walks to the end of the hallway and knows to veer, heads to classroom Oikawa has declared as his _favorite_.

(He doesn't know why Oikawa has a favorite classroom, but this is Oikawa.)

(He's strange.)

(Wonderfully so, sometimes.)

(Annoyingly so, other times.)

His footsteps reverberate in the empty hallway and Iwaizumi's heart is racing by the time he stops in front of room 7259, taking a moment to collect himself. This is the number Oikawa texts him when Iwaizumi asks where he is; he remembers his phone lighting up in the middle of an argument over a practice question. He'd smiled because of the emoticons Oikawa decorated his text with; he remembered at one point chastising him on all that wasted time, but Oikawa just patiently explained his emoticons made his texts _special_.

Nothing Oikawa does is ever ordinary to Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi grips his anatomy textbook a bit tighter and opens the door, opens his mouth to call out Oikawa's name.

He blinks and the first syllable never leaves Iwaizumi's lips because Oikawa's not alone.

Oikawa Tooru is standing there in the classroom, except Kuroo Tetsurou's hands are on his hips, holding him close as he kisses him.

This must be what it's like to die, Iwaizumi thinks.

They pull apart but Iwaizumi's stomach twists when Oikawa doesn't step back, is still between Kuroo's knees and rests his arms on his shoulders. When Iwazumi first hears about Kuroo, it's in the context that he's in the biochemistry graduate program. So Iwaizumi naively says that they're the same, to which Oikawa very agitatedly explains that they are _not_ the same. Oikawa's giving his big speech from a different room, so Iwaizumi just puts in his headphones, which works at canceling out his voice until Oikawa comes back and sees. Then he yanks them off and whines very loudly for a very long time.

Iwaizumi has to endure both the " _biochemistry and organic chemistry are not the same!_ " speech and the _"Iwa-chan, why don't you listen to me?!"_ speech in one sitting.

But he remembers meeting Kuroo. Iwaizumi thinks it's unfortunate Oikawa and Kuroo meet and become friends because it seems like a recipe for disaster, but Iwaizumi doesn't have anything against Kuroo himself. He's a decent guy and they get along pretty well. He's laid back most of the time, but being with Oikawa brings out a mischievous side that he also sees with Bokuto. Iwaizumi doesn't really mind Kuroo.

Except Kuroo is kissing Oikawa right now and Iwaizumi minds a _lot_.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa smiles and Kuroo just offers a smirk from his seat on the desk. "Ready to leave?"

He's still close to him, Iwaizumi notes.

Oikawa is still _so close_ to Kuroo and making absolutely no indication that he's going to move anytime soon.

The part of Iwaizumi that wants to hurl is beginning to overpower the other two.

Iwaizumi opens his mouth but he ends up gaping, can't stop staring at how close they're standing, how comfortable they seem. How Oikawa's a master of fake expressions, but that smile's real. He feels his heart sink and loosens the grip on his textbook for just a moment, taking a step back and turning. "…Actually, just came by to say I'm going to study a bit longer in the library. You can go home first."

And he leaves in the middle of what's probably a taunt from Oikawa, hurries off. He can hear Oikawa's voice calling out to him just before the door slams shut behind him.

"I was actually trying to help though…"

"You're like the kid who cried wolf, except you're the guy who's always kidding."

"That's mean, Tetsu-chan."

Oikawa breaks away from Kuroo and goes over to the door where an envelope lays facedown. Picking it, he opens the flap and fishes out the note; he looks at it for just a second before he recognizes what it is. After all, this isn't the first time Oikawa's seen a confession letter.

His eyes light up.

"Huh… Iwa-chan was going to confess to someone?"

Oikawa turns around and grins, waves it around. "Let's read it!"

Kuroo stares at him.

"So you're invasive _and_ masochistic."

"Don't be so crass, Tetsu-chan!" Oikawa feigns a hurt tone as he holds up the letter and gives a pensive hum. He voices a few choice words and Kuroo guesses he's about halfway through when he stops, can see Oikawa's eyes going back up to see who it's addresses to. Kuroo smirks dryly. "Look on the front of the envelope," he says because that's what facing him, that's the first thing Kuroo sees.

Oikawa turns it around and Kuroo watches his face pale, tilts his head and is lucky enough to view another exhibit as to why Oikawa Tooru is impossible to understand.

"…Oh, god."

_To: Shittykawa_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA this started as a very self indulgent one shot, but when it ended up being 18k words long, i decided to hack it up and flesh it out properly. so now here we are and you are now witnessing me finally writing my first love triangle fic. and it will be an adventure. i just hate kuroo a lot.
> 
> thank you for reading! comments and kudos are appreciated and adored!


	2. tonight alone in my room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "tetsu-chan," oikawa murmurs with a smirk. "can i ask you something?"
> 
> "you just did."
> 
> "what's your stance on being friends with benefits?"

_"Just so I know what to say next… this is bad because…?"_

_"I don't feel the same way."_

_Kuroo stops and stares at him for such a lengthy silence that Oikawa has to repeat what he said. He stares back, doesn't let anything else show on his expression and they just stand there for maybe a full minute before Kuroo clears his throat._

_"No, yeah, I heard. Just… really?"_

_Oikawa frowns a bit but discards Kuroo's doubt and looks back to the envelope he holds in his hands._

_"Really."_

Oikawa Tooru spends the next week at Kuroo's apartment. Kenma's gone home for the week, so Oikawa's welcome to stay as long as he wants. He stops by his apartment with Iwaizumi only to get enough clothes and when he arrives at Kuroo's, he sees that he's thrown some blankets and pillows on the couch. Oikawa nods when Kuroo asks if that's all right, but doesn't argue when Oikawa slips into his bed after a shower.

Kuroo's still up doing homework and doesn't even so much as glance when Oikawa crawls under his covers. There's a slight chilliness from when Oikawa gets in, but his radiating heat is more than enough to make up for it. Making himself comfortable, Oikawa eventually decides on his side, laying with an arm draped loosely over Kuroo's hips. Kuroo smirks, pushes his glasses up a bit and looks over. _"…I was warned you'd do this."_

_"Lucky Tetsu-chan…" Oikawa mumbles quietly, sleepily, and Kuroo doesn't bother pushing for more conversation._

It's unspoken that the person who had warned Kuroo is Iwaizumi. He's the only person who would know Oikawa's sleeping habits like that. Iwaizumi probably knows everything there is about Oikawa, every little habit, even the ones he's not conscious about. Kuroo doesn't really mind; Oikawa's always been a flirty sort of person and luckily Kuroo's never minded the physical contact.

Oikawa's spent the night at Kuroo's before. He doesn't like being alone, Kuroo learns, and on the rare nights where Iwaizumi isn't there, Oikawa will more often than not just show up with a smile and announcement that he's crashing there. In fact, the first time he spends the night with Kuroo, Iwaizumi actually drops him off.

_"What's this? It's like you're his mom, Iwaizumi," Kuroo says, smirking as he leans against the doorframe._

_"Somebody has to be."_

_"That's mean, Iwa-chan!"_

_"Make sure he sleeps and has taken his contacts out. He clings to you like a koala. He's also a blanket hog. He drools sometimes."_

_"I-Iwa-chan!"_

_"And if he sleep talks, record it because he'll probably sound really stupid."_

So given everything Kuroo's witnessed between Iwaizumi and Oikawa, he's still a bit in disbelief that Oikawa doesn't feel the same way. He doesn't press the topic, but it's been on his mind ever since. The first time he sees Oikawa and Iwaizumi together, he thinks they're dating. The first time Oikawa mentions Iwaizumi (about five minutes after they meet), Kuroo thinks he's talking about his boyfriend.

He's still perplexed that Oikawa doesn't feel the same way. Kuroo realizes they're just friends when he accidentally refers to Oikawa as his boyfriend, to which Iwaizumi corrects him with a frown.

_"Why would you think that?"_

_"Well, have you seen the way you two act?"_

_"Just friends."_

He's never asked Oikawa directly, but just sort of assumed that they at least felt the same way and just hadn't made anything _official_. He can't believe it. He still can't. A week passes, and it's all he can think about. It's what Kuroo thinks about when he accidentally sees Iwaizumi on campus, isn't surprised when the other just turns away as if he didn't Kuroo. It's what Kuroo thinks about when he comes back and sees Oikawa there already, frowning a bit. _"Don't you have class?"_

_"Cancelled," Oikawa announces, laying on the couch and watching television._

_"…As in professor cancelled or you did?"_

_"I did."_

Oikawa always said that he and Iwaizumi were just friends, but Kuroo had interpreted that as either 'he doesn't feel the same way' or 'that's just how we are right now.' Because Oikawa and Iwaizumi don't _seem_ like they're just friends. They seem like they're more; Kuroo knows how friends since childhood act (he and Kenma are an example) and he knows how friends turned to lovers act (Bokuto and Akaashi are a prime example of that.) Oikawa's flirty, so it shows in all his relationships, but it's more than just flirting and teasing with Iwaizumi. It's trust and security; it's honest and loyalty. It's essentially everything a good, solid relationship takes, they're just not actually dating.

Which is sort of also a vital part of being in a relationship.

But Kuroo pushes the thought aside and doesn't bring it up because Oikawa clearly doesn't want to talk about it. The first few days are hardest; it's oddly quiet in the apartment. Quiet is normal when Kenma's there. It's also normal when he's not. But it's not when Oikawa's there; the gloom is strange and Kuroo still feels that this feels more like a rejection of feelings than lack of, but decides to not talk about it. Oikawa's sulking about, is down and has lost the chirp in his voice and personality. Kuroo brings him ice cream and comfort food and his wallet is grateful Oikawa only wallows in that seems like a post-break up hole for thirty six hours. Kuroo's walking back with three more cartons of cookie dough ice cream when he gets a call from Oikawa, knows he's up and bouncing around from his tone. Kuroo can't help but frown.

_"…Great, now who's going to eat all this?"_

**To: bokuto**

_yo got ice cream_

**From: bokuto**

_FOR ME?_

**To: bokuto**

_yup. free tomorrow?_

**From: bokuto**

_ILL B THERE IN 20_

**To: bokuto**

_no dude im not home_

**From: bokuto**

_o ok. b there tomorrow_

So Oikawa's back to normal after thirty six hours, give or take, but it's still a little tense. Kuroo arrives home to a clean apartment and stands in the doorway for a good forty five seconds in shock. He's not the neatest person, but he does make an effort every week or two or five to pick up after himself. With Oikawa crashing, though, it's gets messier much faster, and Kuroo doesn't know how he feels about forcing the human epitome of misery and gloom to help him vacuum. So when Oikawa comes bustling out of the kitchen, all Kuroo can do is stare, and he can't believe Oikawa Tooru is wearing an apron and… a handkerchief in his hair?

_"…Dude, you wear that for cooking."_

_"It keeps the dust off of my clothes!"_

_"…I wear that when I cook. Now it's all dusty?'_

_"Don't worry, Tetsu-chan! Your clothes are easily replaceable!"_

_"I'm going to shove that duster up your—"_

_"Don't be vulgar!"_

At least Kenma's going to come back to a nice, clean apartment, Oikawa teases. Kuroo scoffs. _"I clean."_

_"Spilling laundry detergent in the dishwater doesn't count. Why were you even doing that? Do you wear plates?"_

_"THEY LOOKED SIMILAR."_

Kuroo comes home; it's about a week later and Oikawa's back to normal, more or less, so Kuroo has news he feels like it's about time to share.

"I saw Iwaizumi today."

Oikawa visibly freezes at Kuroo's announcement and looks up from his homework. He manages a smile but that momentary pause is glaringly obvious to Kuroo. He's patient as he kicks his shoes off and collapses on a couch. "…Oh," he hears and that's it.

Kuroo hums. "You still haven't talked to him?"

"Nope," Oikawa answers, voice light and airy.

"You plan on doing so?"

Oikawa silent.

Kuroo gives a sigh. He puts down the magazine he had been flipping through and turns around, rests a chin in his palm. His elbow is on the back of the couch as he watches Oikawa move around in the kitchen. "You've been friends with him longer than I have been with Kenma. You're going to lose him over something like this?"

"Not lose," Oikawa says. "…I just can't right now. That's it."

"You're sure you won't lose him?"

"Tetsu-chan," Oikawa says quietly, looking up with a smile that makes Kuroo reconsider offering Bokuto the ice cream, "trust me, I won't lose Iwa-chan."

Kuroo nods, turns away again.

"…All right."

He's three pages into the magazine when he sighs, picks up his phone.

**To: bokuto**

_only two cartons left sorry_

"Ice cream's in the fridge."

* * *

Iwaizumi can tell that Oikawa's not home (his favorite alien t-shirt is gone, meaning he's staying at someone's place), but he still spends as much time at the library as he can. And when it closes, he goes over to Hanamaki's, firmly refuses to explain what's happening. This lasts only three days, before he knows that he's going to have to tell him eventually, so then he goes home and just keeps to his room.

He doesn't want to see Oikawa. Thinking about Oikawa makes his stomach twist. He sees Kuroo on campus and as much as it pains him, seeing the way Kuroo's gaze lingers on him tells Iwaizumi that Oikawa's alive and fine, probably staying at Kuroo's.

Iwaizumi had always been a dog person.

He does fine on his exam. Everything comes easily and with the additional studying, it's nothing hard. That's the one good thing about what happened; Iwaizumi's so desperate to not think about Oikawa that he entirely immerses himself in his studies.

It's strangely empty at home without Oikawa. They've rarely spent time apart ever since they were kids; even when they weren't with each other, they were texting or calling. But it's absolute silence. Oikawa doesn't reach out. Iwaizumi doesn't reach out. They're both proud and stubborn, but this goes beyond pride.

Iwaizumi knows what silence means.

He doesn't even think to check for the letter until he's home. From classroom 7259 to the apartment is a blur; he finds his way because he's traversed the path hundreds of times by now, but he doesn't feel like he's _there_. All he can think about is Oikawa and Kuroo and Oikawa and Kuroo together. How Oikawa looks when he's kissing someone (Kuroo). How Oikawa smiles after what appears to be a good kiss with someone (Kuroo.) How Iwaizumi didn't care greatly about someone until now (Kuroo).

How some people exist (Kuroo) and how Iwaizumi is really pissed they do (Kuroo).

It's not as if this is a first. Iwaizumi's seen Oikawa kissing people before.

It happens. Oikawa's dated plenty of people, so on occasion Iwaizumi will go to their designated meeting spot only to find him passing time in his own way. He remembers the first time it happens when they're fifteen and Iwaizumi just throws something at Oikawa. He snaps at him to hurry up because they agreed to check out a new ice cream shop and Iwaizumi's too hungry to wait around while Oikawa makes out with his new girlfriend.

It happens again and again; there are times where Iwaizumi feels twinges of pain and jealousy, but he brushes it aside. It's not as if he's ever asked Oikawa out and they're just friends; he certainly doesn't have a monopoly on Oikawa Tooru, so he can date who he wants, when he wants. Whether or not Oikawa tells him about the people he dates is a sign of how serious he is about them. His most serious relationship lasts six months, but the average is about three to four weeks. Oikawa's not afraid of commitment, Iwaizumi knows, but he does get bored easily. He's looking for somebody who keeps challenging him and always surprises him. Somebody who understands him without much needing to be explained, because Oikawa doesn't always want to talk, but he needs somebody to understand him.

So Oikawa's just looking for that person and hasn't found them yet.

When Iwaizumi first meets Kuroo, he doesn't get the impression that he's someone who Oikawa would be interested in. Iwaizumi can usually tell; Oikawa flirts a lot, but flirting because of his nature and flirting with intention are entirely different. So as far as Iwaizumi's concerned, Kuroo's just a friend.

Except now.

Now he feels stupid and wonders if he's let his guard down.

Because Kuroo's different. Kuroo's not someone who's smitten with Oikawa and just lets him do as he wants. Iwaizumi's hung out with them a few times; Kuroo's the type of person who keeps Oikawa's on his toes and pisses him off just the right amount. Oikawa likes challenges. Iwaizumi knows for a fact that some of the people Oikawa's pursued are because he's more attracted to the idea of them than the person themselves, explaining the eventual breakup.

Unfortunately, Kuroo's both a challenge and a mystery, two things Oikawa likes.

So when Iwaizumi sees them together, his heart sinks because this could be who Oikawa's been looking for. They get along well and clearly are now attracted to each other. So before he knows it, they could actually be dating. That, or Oikawa's new thing is going around and kissing people from his classes for fun.

Iwaizumi doesn't like to pass judgment and hate people, but he _really severely vehemently intensely_ dislikes Kuroo Tetsurou right about now.

"Iwaizumi-san!"

"Oh. Sugawara-san."

Iwaizumi manages a tired smile. He's on his way back from the gym when a hand in front of his face catches his attention. Pulling out his earphones, he's met with a gently laughing Sugawara who waves off his apology. He's another person who Oikawa has christened with a (sort of strange) nickname, so Iwaizumi ends up remembering him as well. He actually might have him in his phone; Oikawa keeps adding people because if he doesn't have his own, he'll call from Iwaizumi's.

"Not with Oikawa-san?" he asks. "That's surprising."

Iwaizumi smiles again and nods. "Yeah, he's been busy."

"How are you two?"

"Fine."

"How are classes?"

"Fine."

Sugawara pauses and Iwaizumi gives a sigh, raises a hand to palm the back of his neck. "Ah, I'm just tired, Sugawara-san. Sorry. It's been a rough week."

He gives a sympathetic nod and Iwaizumi finds himself staring. Some people elicit annoyance, others elicit dread. And then there are people like Sugawara, whose smiles could probably at least halt wars. When he asks 'do you want to get coffee and talk about it?' Iwaizumi swears he's saying no, but it turns out he's said yes because they end up getting coffee and talking about it.

"Is it school?"

"It's…"

Iwaizumi closes his eyes and gives a sigh. His hands are cupping his drink and Sugawara just waits patiently. The café they're in is at a nice noise level; loud enough that it would be hard to eavesdrop unintentionally, quiet enough Iwaizumi doesn't have to be shouting.

He's not especially close to Sugawara, but he's exhausted and this is something he's not quite ready to talk about with people who know both him and Oikawa on a personal level. Sugawara's just someone's he's acquainted with and used to hang out with. He spends so long trying to form his words that Sugawara starts and Iwaizumi jolts because he's hit it right on the head.

"Is it Oikawa-san?"

He gives a shaky sigh and nods. "…Yeah."

Sugawara offers another smile. "Are you in love with him?"

Iwaizumi's in the middle of taking a sip when Sugawara asks. It surprises him enough to both spill a bit of his coffee and bang his knee against the table; Iwaizumi swears, cheeks flushing as he tries to wipe up the mess. Sugawara laughs as he offers him a napkin. "Sorry, I should've waited until after. But it seems like I've got my answer."

Iwaizumi's cheeks are still red once the mess is taken care of. He clears his throat and hand goes from scratching his cheek to palming his neck to running through his hair before finally answering. "…Yeah," he sighs. "Was it that obvious?"

"A bit," Sugawara says with a smile that Iwaizumi's a little wary of. "So is Oikawa-san dating someone?"

"….I don't know," Iwaizumi says after a moment, decides that's the most honest answer he can give. "He… might be."

Sugawara just gives him a questioning look over his mug and Iwaizumi gives a heavy sigh. His fingers drum against the ceramic as he decides how best to word it; he needs it to be short but complete, finally deciding on: "I walked in on him kissing someone and I'm not sure if it's serious or not."

Sugawara nods understandingly and, since he's already told him this much, Iwaizumi adds:

"I was going to confess."

He sees Sugawara's eyes widen and just sighs, mumbles he's going to get something to eat. His palms press to the table as he stands, chair pushed back with his knees. He's not actually hungry, but Sugawara has such a gentle and piercing gaze that Iwaizumi feels a little exposed to be the recipient of it. He returns with a pastry and is breaking it apart with his fingers when he feels Sugawara's sympathetic gaze on him. He fidgets. "…I mean, it's fine. I knew that might happen. Well, not _that_ but…"

"I'm sorry," Sugawara says quietly, offers another gentle smile. "I know that doesn't help, but… I'm sorry, Iwaizumi-san."

"…Yeah," Iwaizumi says finally, has lost his appetite as he stares at his broken muffin. "Me too."

Pushing away the plate, Iwaizumi reaches for a napkin. Maybe it's the way Sugawara is watching him or just the fact that it's Sugawara, but Iwaizumi finds himself talking again, blurting out things he didn't think he was going to say. Sugawara's calming; he has that effect on people.

"I was prepared to be turned down. But I guess I didn't think about… him being with someone else. And we haven't spoken since then, so… I don't know. I didn't want to lose him or make him uncomfortable. I don't even know why I thought it was going to be a good idea to confess."

"I don't think you were wrong in wanting to do that, Iwaizumi-san," Sugawara says in his calm voice. Iwaizumi glances up at him and the soft way he's looking at him makes Iwaizumi almost want to cry; he feels a hitch in his throat and has to look away, swallows the lump. He hasn't cried since it happened; it feels like the pain has entirely gone past misery and decided on emptiness, leaving him numb and incapable of feeling anything for the past several days.

"I think it's good to be honest with how you feel and to be brave about it," Sugawara continues. "And I don't think you would lose Oikawa-san over something like this. You two have one of the strongest bonds I've ever seen."

Iwaizumi flashes a tired smile along with a 'thanks,' but Sugawara gives a slight frown.

"No, I mean it. Honestly, Daichi and I thought you two _were_ going out at some point. But… some people are meant to be friends. Some people are meant to be lovers. But then there are some, very few, who are meant to be soulmates. You and Oikawa-san, I think, are soulmates."

Only Sugawara could say something as cheesy as that but pull it off.

Iwaizumi blinks in surprise and stares at Sugawara. Iwaizumi's not a hopeless romantic, but a part of him does think that Oikawa might be his one and only. Definitely his first love. Probably his true love. Maybe his only love. When he realizes, it leaves Iwaizumi feeling a little bit insulted by the universe, actually, that he's so head over heels for Oikawa, out of everyone.

But then he realizes that there really is nobody else who understands him the way Oikawa does, supports him the way Oikawa does. It was really just a matter of time until he figured it out.

So maybe Oikawa is his soulmate.

He gives a small smile and looks out the window.

"I mean, yeah. Oikawa's probably my soulmate."

He shrugs and Sugawara's smile is sadder than Iwaizumi's.

"But maybe I'm not his."

* * *

Because everything is about not losing Iwaizumi.

Oikawa's dated enough people to understand the cycle of romance. The crush, the infatuation, the love, the break up, the misery. And then a new cycle with a new person. Every relationship he's been in has ended and maybe it's because it's the nature of romance or it's Oikawa. He doesn't know. What he does know is that it's impossibly difficult to go back to being friend with someone he once had feelings for.

So if they break up, he doesn't know if he and Iwaizumi can survive a break up, if Iwaizumi's able to move past all the pain.

The first night he spends at Kuroo's, Oikawa just lays in bed while he works. The covers are up to his cheekbones because he doesn't want to necessarily talk, but needs to be with somebody. He doesn't like being alone; when he feels like this, the person he usually turns to is Iwaizumi, but it's different when Iwaizumi's the way he feels this way.

Except it's not Iwaizumi's fault; Oikawa doesn't blame him. He's been in relationships where the other person's more invested than he is, but he can't do that to Iwaizumi. Because Oikawa wants Iwaizumi to be happy; he never wanted to be the reason he's sad.

_"Not all relationships end. Maybe all yours so far have ended because you haven't found the right one."_

_"That's so cheesy," Oikawa remarks, moving to press his forehead against Kuroo's hip. "It's not just that. It's…"_

_"So when you talk about not wanting to lose him, you're talking about your hypothetical break up with Iwaizumi and Iwaizumi not being able to handle the pain," Kuroo interrupts and flips a page of his reading. "But that entire relationship would be one sided from the start because you don't return his feelings and you'd find yourself acting that way to avoid hurting him."_

_"Wow. Tetsu-chan's smart."_

_"You're just really predictable."_

_Oikawa falls silent and he sighs. He burrows under the covers and ends up resting his head in Kuroo's lap after a moment. He hears a laugh from above and squints at the light when Kuroo moves the covers aside, grins down at him. "Cuddling when awake? Wow, we're really moving fast."_

_"Tetsu-chan," Oikawa murmurs with a smirk. "Can I ask you something?"_

_"You just did."_

_"What's your stance on being friends with benefits?"_

_Kuroo raises an eyebrow. "…Can't say I've ever found myself in that situation."_

_"Do you oppose it?" Oikawa asks._

_"No, but… I'm not sure how I feel about being used as an emotional cushion."_

_Oikawa blinks and smiles brightly._

_"So how's that hopeless, unrequited love for Pudding-chan?"_

_Kuroo doesn't say anything else. Oikawa laughs and moves off of him, wonders vaguely if he's crossed a line. He turns onto his side, back to him, when he hears:_

_"So we'd be using each other."_

_"A better way to put it is being there for each other. Because we're friends, yeah?"_

_"…Yeah."_

The topic is dropped. Oikawa would've thought that it was the end of it had Kuroo not purposely draped an arm over his shoulder the next day. Oikawa's standing in the kitchen, waiting for the microwave to finish his leftovers when Kuroo comes up behind him. He thinks Kuroo's just watching him (he swears he's the human version of a cat sometimes) when he feels the weight of his arm over his shoulder, contact having his breath hitch for a moment. Oikawa catches a whiff of his cologne; Kuroo drawls that he was going to order them take out, to which Oikawa answers, " _How romantic_."

Kuroo leaves a kiss to his temple before he goes to get started on his work.

Nothing happens again until a few days later. Kenma's back and just nods to see Oikawa there. Kuroo asks if he minds that he stays a few days longer and he shakes his head, pulls a Tupperware box out of his backpack and hands it to Kuroo. _"Your mom said to share with me,"_ he makes it a point to say.

Kuroo laughs and Oikawa picks up on the gentle way he looks at him when Kenma turns away _. "Of course."_

Oikawa's beginning to think Kuroo's having second thoughts once Kenma comes back and he doesn't blame him. He keeps from the lingering, flirty touches he's been generous with the past few days, has taken to sleeping on the couch with Kenma here again. But he comes back one day to see Kenma with a suitcase, raises an eyebrow.

"Pudding-chan, you don't need to move out! I'll be gone eventually!"

"It's not you," Kenma answers, looking slightly amused, which Oikawa considers his victory. "Work related. They want me to explain my design. I'll be back in a week."

"Tetsu-chan's going to miss you!"

Kenma's about to answer when Kuroo comes home. His brow furrows at the suitcase again, but the expression eases and he gives a nod. Giving a slight smile, he's about to say something when interrupted by Kenma's phone. Both of them watch him read the text, noticing his smile.

Oikawa glances at Kuroo, catches the way his brow knits.

"Chibi-chan?" Kuroo ventures and Kenma nods, returning the text and pocketing his phone. "In town?"

"Yeah, he's here with Kageyama and was asking about best places to eat. So if you see them around, don't scare Shoyo on purpose."

"I never do it on purpose. He's just jumpy."

Kenma glares. " _Don't_ , Kuro."

Kuroo laughs and when Kenma glances away, Oikawa watches the way Kuroo's expression softens. "All right, all right, I won't, okay? I won't even talk to him. Promise."

Kenma gives a satisfied nod and turns to Oikawa. "Same goes for you. Don't talk to Kageyama."

"But he's Tobio-chan!"

" _Don't_."

Oikawa pouts but nods. He checks his phone one more time just as it goes off with another text. "Don't burn the place down," he says after answering. "Kuro, you want me to bring anything?"

"Uh… yeah. Snacks."

"Specific kind?"

"You know what I like."

Kuroo smiles as Kenma passes him, ruffles his hair as he always does. But when the door closes, the smile fades and Kuroo collapses against it, staring up at the ceiling. Oikawa frowns a little and clears his throat. "…I saw Pudding-chan smile at a butterfly once," he announces.

Kuroo gives him a _what the hell?_ sort of look.

"Pudding-chan smiles at a lot," he explains with a sympathetic smile as he walks over, puts a hand on his shoulder. "So don't think too much about it, okay?"

"…Yeah," Kuroo echoes. "I won't."

Kuroo lingers in his self-pity part for a moment longer before straightening. He sets his backpack down and goes over to the couch, takes a seat and Oikawa joins him. He's brought a canned iced coffee from the kitchen and leaves it in front of Kuroo without saying anything. Kuroo mumbles his appreciation and Oikawa folds his legs on the couch. "It's just…"

Oikawa listens. Kuroo doesn't want to talk often about this, so Oikawa listens.

"Maybe it's always been hopeless," he mumbles. "Maybe it always will be."

"You won't know unless you confess," Oikawa supplies.

"…Yeah. _Sucks_."

"…Yeah," Oikawa agrees.

He begins to move off the couch, has already stood when Kuroo's fingers have circled his wrist. Kuroo gives a sharp tug and Oikawa falls into his lap, knees straddling his hips. And it's the first time Oikawa really notices how long Kuroo's lashes are. Kuroo Tetsurou is good looking, Oikawa's always known. It's some sort of given fact of life.

His eyes are half lidded to match Kuroo's and Oikawa relaxes into the hand cradling his face. He hums, leaning in and touching their foreheads together. He feels a bit dizzy; something about Kuroo being so close and knowing what's going to happen is intoxicating. And, judging by the glint in Kuroo's eyes, he has the same idea.

"…You're sure, Tetsu-chan?" Oikawa asks quietly, turns enough to leave a kiss on Kuroo's palm.

"Yeah," Kuroo murmurs, and it's the last thing either of them say before they're kissing. Kuroo's hands rest on Oikawa's hips; he grasps them tightly and pulls him close as he captures Oikawa's bottom lip between his own. Oikawa moans quietly into his mouth, rolling his hips as he cups Kuroo's face and deepens the kiss. His thumbs brush over Kuroo's cheekbones and his chest is pressed to his; the kiss leaves him breathless, and yet the thought of pulling back for air never even occurs. Shifting so his elbows are on Kuroo's shoulders, Oikawa gives a brief smile, feels Kuroo's lips curling in the same way.

Oikawa is holding him as close as he can; one of Kuroo's arms is wrapped around his waist and the other hand is cupping the back of his head. He can feel his long fingers grasping at his hair; a sharp pull has Oikawa swearing quietly. His neck is craned back and just as Oikawa's eyes have opened to see the light fixtures on the ceiling, they flutter closed again because Kuroo's lips are on his neck and that really renders him unable to do anything except struggle to breathe.

Kuroo stands after a moment, lifting Oikawa easily. His legs wrap around his hips as he takes them back to his bedroom and then Oikawa's thrown on top of a made bed, feels the comforting weight of Kuroo's body on top of him. His fingers thread through black hair, palm resting on the back of his neck when Kuroo's mouth moves from his own to his neck. Oikawa cranes his neck and obediently sits up when Kuroo tugs at his shirt. His eyes open and he returns the favor, smirks as he watches the way Kuroo's muscles move with the action.

An eyebrow raises, but before Kuroo can question him, Oikawa's flipped their positions. He's straddling Kuroo again and grins as he rests his hands on his chest. Head falling back and biting his lip, Oikawa rolls his hips suggestively, scratches against Kuroo's skin when he hears a groan from beneath him. Giving a breathless laugh, Oikawa bows; his hands frame Kuroo's face and he kisses him again, moaning into his mouth.

"Tetsu-chan…" he starts and stops, grins against Kuroo's mouth. " _Tetsurou_ …"

"Really know how to drive a guy crazy, don't you?" Kuroo mumbles in return but he's smiling. Oikawa can feel Kuroo's fingers on his hips again, moving up to scratch along the sides of his body, leave welts and marks.

Oikawa's so lost in the kiss that he only realizes he's back on the bottom when the breath is knocked out of him. His eyes flutter open to see Kuroo hovering, hair more disheveled than usual and Oikawa's feels a pleasant slip of his stomach at the look in his eyes. "So, Oikawa," Kuroo says, his voice low and sultry, "you want to make a bet?"

"What kind of a bet?"

Oikawa's so busy keeping a level gaze with Kuroo that he realizes only too late where one of his hands has gone. He jolts with pleasure, keeping from moaning because he bites down just in time. Oikawa's eyes flutter closed momentarily, opening and he tries his best to smirk at him.

"First one to moan loses," Kuroo explains with a quirk of his lips as he bows and kisses him again.

Oikawa smirks, leans up just enough to steal another kiss before relaxing into the comforts of the bed again, hips bucking. The tips of his fingers trace along Kuroo's chest and ultimately rest at his hips, skim over the fabric of his pants.

"Hope Tetsu-chan knows I never lose."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha, fun fact: this is my first time including sugawara in any fic and i had to google his name because all i could think of him as was 'sugamama' which is definitely not his name.
> 
> yay thank you for reading!
> 
> (the title has nothing to do with this chapter. i couldn't think of anything so i just took lyrics from faber drive's 'tongue tied.')


	3. here just yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you're kind of stupid for a smart person."
> 
> "…what's that supposed to mean?"

Kuroo Tetsurou has been in love with Kozume Kenma for six years and counting. Or, a better way to put it, he's known that he's in love with Kozume Kenma for six years and counting.

He's probably felt it for the majority of his life.

Kenma's not the easiest person to figure out, but Kuroo knows him well enough to do a pretty good job. Their friendship is the most important thing to him; he'd never do anything to jeopardize it or make Kenma uncomfortable, so Kuroo has, on the same day as realizing his feelings, decided to keep them a secret. Kenma's someone who he befriends through gentle determination and patience, but romance is enough of a lurch to either scare him off or leave things eternally changed between them. So Kuroo loves him; Kuroo loves Kenma enough to change the entire universe if that's what Kenma wants, but more than that, he wants Kenma to be happy. And Kenma's happy as they are right now, he thinks, so Kuroo won't act on his feelings, even if they're destroying him from the inside out.

Kuroo doesn't make it a point to tell people, but somehow they find out. Akaashi Keiji realizes after just a week of observing them and Bokuto Koutarou finds out because Akaashi tells him. When Kuroo meets up with old friends from high school and they move onto the topic of Kenma, Kuroo frowns a little at all the 'what, you're still not together?' 'I didn't even feel that way about him back then…' ' _right,_ Kuroo. _Right_.'

_"You're kind of stupid for a smart person."_

_"…What's that supposed to mean?"_

When Oikawa becomes his friend and Kuroo picks up on his penchant for reading people, he knows it's just a matter of time when he introduces him to Kenma. Oikawa's pleasant enough when they meet. Kuroo can tell Kenma's already exasperated with him, but Oikawa actually is on his best behavior. He keeps the teasing to a minimum and the flirting dies down after two hours (apparently that's how long it takes for him to figure it out.) They have lunch and Kenma leaves first to run some errands, so it's just Kuroo and Oikawa sitting across from each other at the table.

Oikawa smiles and picks up his drink.

_"So Tetsu-chan's in love with Ken-chan."_

'Ken-chan' is his first nickname for him; once Kenma and him are actually friends, the more familiar 'Pudding-chan' is bestowed upon him.

Kuroo doesn't even try to argue it, gives a tired smile as he picks up his drink. _"That obvious?"_

_"So obvious."_

When Kuroo asks him later how he knows, Oikawa gives that annoyingly light, chiming sort of laugh. _"Everything. The way Tetsu-chan looks at him, the way Tetsu-chan talks to him, the way Tetsu-chan talks about him. Everything you do makes it obvious to everyone except for Pudding-chan himself, you know."_

 _"Well,"_ Kuroo had answered, _"as long as he doesn't figure it out, it's fine."_

_"That sounds painful, Tetsu-chan."_

_"You have no idea."_

So Kuroo knows why _he_ needs comfort sex. He certainly needs some sort of distraction from the eternal, looming-over-his-head-constantly fact that he's madly in love with his childhood best friend who not only has no idea but probably also doesn't return the feelings. It kills Kuroo a little (read: a lot) on the inside, but he wouldn't risk his friendship for anything. He's fine as he is. Dying, but fine.

But he can't say he's too clear on why Oikawa needs it.

"Tell me again," Kuroo says when he senses the bed shifting because Oikawa wakes up, "why _you_ needed comfort sex."

In the heat of the moment, it had seemed like a good idea, certainly felt like a good idea. Oikawa's lips had been hot on his body, nails dragging over his skin and bodies pressing together. The way Oikawa smirked breathlessly was riveting and Kuroo can't say that it was _bad_ by any standards. But maybe the problem is that it was really, really good. Because now he's going to want to do it again; it's good and for that hour and the night after it, he actually doesn't think about how madly he's in love with Kenma.

But it's like drinking; at the time, Kuroo feels great. But then comes morning and he's waking up to naked Oikawa Tooru, thinking about clothed Iwaizumi Hajime and what a terrible friend he is.

They're friends; not close, the way Kuroo is with Oikawa, but they're good friends. And it's not as if Iwaizumi's asked him not to or that he and Oikawa are anything more than just friends, but when Kuroo tries to imagine how he'd feel if this were Iwaizumi and Kenma, he feels like handing Iwaizumi a chair and putting a target on the back of his head.

But while feeling awful about Iwaizumi, Kuroo then thinks to Oikawa; because this comfort sex thing leaves a bad taste in Kuroo's mouth, he wonders if it's the same for Oikawa because he realizes he really has no idea what Oikawa's seeking a distraction from.

"Nn… Tetsu-chan, it's too early…"

"It's eight."

"See, Tetsu-chan, for most people, that's _early_."

Oikawa flops onto his stomach, causing the entire bedframe to shift, and Kuroo reaches a hand to shove at his side. His palm meets bare skin and lingers for a moment before he ends up tracing circles, looks over to see if Oikawa's ticklish. He is, which makes him laugh quietly, eventually stopping. At the abrupt emptiness Oikawa just whines quietly, but both of them settle back down, retreat back into silence.

Mornings after can be awkward or fine and it seems like they're still on the cusp of a decision.

Oikawa's hugging the pillow, cheek pressed to it, and staring away from Kuroo. When he wakes up, it's a pleasant haziness of both a new day and lingering afterglow. Then when his mind clears and he remembers he's in bed with Kuroo, he can't help but frown.

Last night hadn't been bad; that most certainly isn't the issue. While Oikawa can be flirtatious, he's usually able to focus in the middle of something like _that_. But even when he was acutely aware that it was Kuroo's hot breath skimming over his skin, Kuroo's hands touching him, Kuroo's voice that he hears, Oikawa's mind keeps flickering back to Iwaizumi. He can't help it; he doesn't say the wrong name, but it's Iwaizumi just won't leave him _alone_. Oikawa's thinking about how Iwaizumi must be feeling, remembers his expression. It makes it impossibly hard to concentrate solely on Kuroo, though, if it's any consolation, about ninety percent of the time, Oikawa is entirely preoccupied with Kuroo.

Ninety percent is good enough, right?

A clock somewhere in Kuroo's room is ticking and Oikawa mumbles about it, hears it silenced after the sound of plastic clicking. "Thank you, Tetsu-chan," he mumbles.

"Mhm."

Oikawa's still staring at the wall. In fact, he stares so long he forgets to blink. His eyes start watering so he closes them, squeezes them shut. He gives a shaky sigh; the entire week has felt a bit surreal and wishes that he could will himself to go back and stop Iwaizumi from wanting to confess. They're twenty four, he wants to argue, why _now_? They've been friends since diapers. What changed now? Why did Iwaizumi think this was a good time?

_Why?_

But when he opens them, he's still naked in Kuroo's bed, lying next to him, pillow pressing to his neck and making it a little hard to breathe. He's ignored Kuroo's question, but Kuroo isn't the type of person to let something go without reason. So when Kuroo prompts him again, Oikawa can't say he's surprised.

"Is it because Iwaizumi confessed?"

Oikawa gives a sigh and closes his eyes, shifting to make himself more comfortable. "…Yeah."

"Ah."

Oikawa hums. Kuroo's apartment is in a quieter area than his is, so he likes that when no one's talking, he doesn't hear traffic or the few straggling partiers making their way home. It's peaceful. It's easy. Oikawa wishes everything could be peaceful and easy.

He forgets to blink again and frowns. Oikawa's not very good at being a human being today, it appears. His eyes close and he counts backwards from ten before opening them again, this time reminding himself to blink every now and then.

"Tetsu-chan," he says finally, "will you ever tell Pudding-chan how you feel?"

"Probably not," Kuroo answers easily, since it's a familiar topic with Oikawa.

"Why not?"

"Don't want to make him uncomfortable."

Oikawa gives a dramatic sigh. He's starting to wake up; the last remnants of sleep are slowly disappearing and his mind is slowly becoming clearer, more conscious of everything that's happening around him. He's especially aware of the slight soreness in his body, finds himself relishing in it, purposely moving to exacerbate it. But before he can say anything, Kuroo interrupts him.

"Hey, don't be such a brat about this. Iwaizumi confessed. So what? Things only change if you let them."

Oikawa's eyes narrow but he doesn't offer any sort of response. Kuroo's right, unfortunately, but he still doesn't like it. "…They'll change. What if you told Pudding-chan? You're telling me nothing would change? Isn't that what you're scared of?"

"Things changing and things being uncomfortable are two different things. It might be weird for a few days, yeah," Kuroo answers, "but it'll be okay. Because we've been friends for almost two decades. Our friendship isn't going to end because of something like that. Iwaizumi was pretty brave to do that. The least you can do is not run away."

"I'm not running away," Oikawa retorts before realizing that he actually has essentially run away by spending the week elsewhere. He heaves a sigh before pushing himself up, supports himself on his elbows. He turns to face Kuroo after a moment of consideration and tilts his head, offers a smirk and raises an eyebrow. Kuroo takes the invitation; he leans in and kisses him chastely before pulling back.

"You're a blanket hog, you know that?"

"It's because I get cold!" Oikawa protests.

"Thought you always said you were hot."

"I am!"

"So you still need blankets? Wow, you needed more help than I thought."

Feeling Oikawa shove him, Kuroo laughs a bit too loudly and there comes a knock at the door. Both of them flinch and wordlessly stare, wondering if it's going to open. To their relief, it remains closed, but they can both hear the muffled voice. "Kuro. Laugh softer."

Oikawa glances at Kuroo to gauge his reaction. He can see the obvious panic, but it lasts just a moment before he's relaxed.

"Oh, you're back?" Kuroo asks, sitting up and Oikawa can't help but smirk. He lies back down on his side and supports his head in his hand as he watches, enjoying his morning entertainment. He also doesn't mind getting to see shirtless Kuroo Tetsurou first thing in the morning, fair skin riddled with marks and scratches. "Wait, were you here last night? Shit, sorry—"

"No, came back this morning. Train got in early. Oikawa-san is in there with you, isn't he?"

"Good morning, Pudding-chan!" Oikawa calls and Kuroo shoves at his shoulder.

"Morning. Anyway, I'm going to get some food. If you're going to come out at some point, just put some clothes on."

"Right. Wait," he adds hurriedly and Oikawa raises an eyebrow, is amused because this is one of the rare times where Kuroo Tetsurou shows himself to be the slightest level of flustered. "How did you know—"

"Nobody else wears those color shoes."

And this time it's Kuroo's turn to smirk, Oikawa calling out 'teal is my _color_ ' just as the front door slams shut. Kuroo's laughing quietly as Oikawa feels vaguely insulted, glares pointedly at him.

"Funny, Tetsu-chan. Good thing Pudding-chan doesn't know why I'm in your bed, right?"

Kuroo stops laughing.

* * *

"Oh, Kenma. Hey."

Iwaizumi meets Kenma because the way Kuroo has to meet Iwaizumi, Iwaizumi has to meet Kenma. Childhood best friends meet new friends. That's just how it is.

Apparently.

Iwaizumi's relieved that Kenma's not like Oikawa or Kuroo. He finds Kenma to be normal and the two bond over that, are often left to mutter about their more outgoing, hyperactive friends when the four are out together. Kenma's refreshing. Not that Iwaizumi doesn't like Oikawa or Kuroo (except currently), but Kenma's normality is a nice change of pace. He's the person Iwaizumi will call to hang out with if he wants a low-key day, one without sass or whining. Or he's the person Iwaizumi will talk to when he's frustrated because as close as he is to Oikawa, sometimes he'll take his teasing too far and just piss him off more.

Iwaizumi hasn't seen Kenma around for a while, though. Ever since school's started, Iwaizumi's been busy and Kenma's sort of fallen off the grid. He's not in school with the other three; unlike them, he's entered the adult world of working and contributing to society. Iwaizumi doesn't have anything against Kenma, but seeing him reminds him of Kuroo and so he's crushing his coffee, which Kenma points out.

"Oh. Sorry."

"No need to apologize to me."

"Oh. Sorry."

"…That's exactly what you just said."

Iwaizumi blinks and opens his mouth before realizing it would be his third apology. Kenma gives an amused, slight smile. "Looks like that coffee's well needed."

"Yeah… yeah, classes have been crazy," he mutters and gives a tired smile. "How've you been?"

"Went home for a bit and then away again for work," he answers and shrugs. "Just came back this morning. Out buying breakfast. Do you want to join us?"

Iwaizumi assumes that by 'us' he means himself and Kuroo, so he shakes his head.

Kenma blinks. "Are you sure? Oikawa's there too."

Iwaizumi doesn't realize he's stopped breathing or is squeezing his cup until he feels the hot liquid on his hand. Swearing, his fingers loosen and Kenma watches him fumble to readjust his grip in time. He offers a wry smile as he takes out a napkin and silently hands it to him. "…I'm guessing you know about them, judging by that reaction."

"Yeah," he mumbles, clears his throat.

Kenma's watching him as he cleans up his mess. Kenma's observant; Iwaizumi knows he is, so he has no doubt that Kenma's figured out his feelings. Because usually, if Iwaizumi hears that Oikawa's at their place, he'll just get mad and go over, drag him back home, tell him to stop imposing on other people and being a leech. But today is different and Kenma's not dense, so he knows Kenma's picked up on that.

Kenma and Oikawa are similar in that sense.

"Do you want to get food with me?" he asks instead after a beat of silence and Iwaizumi looks up. "You don't have to come back with me. We can eat there."

Iwaizumi hesitates, but the way Kenma's looking at him has him nodding. He offers a small smile and they head towards a small café that Oikawa's always raving about. Iwaizumi doesn't even have to look at the menu; he knows what he's getting. He's been here enough with Oikawa that they've essentially tried to the whole menu, and today is the sort of day where he needs comfort food. This entire week has been that sort of week, actually.

The waitress comes and takes their orders, smiles brightly and bustles off. Iwaizumi gives a sigh and leans back in his seat. He can feel Kenma watching him as he sips his drink and eventually looks at him tiredly. "…Don't make me say it," he mumbles. "Because I know you know."

"I don't know."

"I know you've figured it out."

Kenma doesn't answer that. He just gives a small half smile and finally averts his eyes with a slight nod. "I've got a general idea."

Reaching forward for his water, Iwaizumi brings it close enough to sip from the straw as he focuses his eyes on the specials menu. He remembers the first time he and Oikawa come here: Oikawa's been bugging him about it for weeks, so when they're stumbling back home after a party at six in the morning, Iwaizumi finally caves and agrees to go because he's so hungry. He's pleasantly surprised and Oikawa's still drunk so he ends up paying for the meal.

(Iwaizumi orders extra once he realizes he's still drunk.)

"Tell me honestly," Iwaizumi says tiredly and Kenma looks up from playing on his phone. "…How long have you known?"

"I've had a hunch for a while," Kenma answers and Iwaizumi groans. "But I didn't confirm it until now."

"That obvious?"

"Fairly. Oikawa-san doesn't seem to have noticed though."

"Asshole's a grade A idiot."

Kenma's the sort of friend who's a quiet supporter. He doesn't say much, but he has a dry sense of humor and wit that makes Iwaizumi laugh at times. He's funny in a more sarcastic way, but just as loyal as Kuroo and Oikawa are. But unlike Kuroo and Oikawa, Kenma's not the type of person to go confront someone (at least, that's what Iwaizumi thinks.) His support is more in the background and will orchestrate something from in the shadows, which Iwaizumi thinks could be more dangerous than just going up to someone and yelling at them. So Iwaizumi knows to not get on Kenma's bad side.

Iwaizumi's still pissed at Kuroo, but he is grateful that Kuroo's existence brings Kenma's into his life.

Stupid Kuroo.

Their food arrives and Iwaizumi's surprised when he sees their meals arrive and two more, already packaged into the take-out boxes. He frowns but the waitress has left before he can stop her. Giving a sigh, he scratches his head. "We should tell her we wanted these after—"

"No," Kenma interrupts and picks up his chopsticks. "I told her to just bring them out."

Iwaizumi stares. "…They'll be cold by the time you get back."

"Yeah."

And Kenma begins eating, to Iwaizumi's amusement. He slips into his first genuine smile all week and laughs quietly. "Kuroo's your best friend, though."

Kenma shrugs, looks up and smiles slightly at him.

"Kuro can be stupid."

* * *

Because, apparently, everybody except Oikawa already knows that Iwaizumi's in love with him.

It's more than a week later and he's at a bar with Kindaichi and Hanamaki, Matsukawa unable to make it because of a project deadline. The two of them have known about how Iwaizumi's felt for years; they were friends in high school and continued to stay in touch through their undergraduate years until now. They're the ones who encourage Iwaizumi to confess, so he tells them how it goes and then drinks his beer while they sit there a bit awkwardly. He considers it luck he hasn't actually spoken to or seen Oikawa for the week, despite them living together.

Hanamaki looks less surprised than Kindaichi, but he does frown when Iwaizumi says what he's probably already figured out.

"… _Oh_. Oh…"

"…Have to say, did _not_ see that coming. …Sorry, Iwaizumi-san."

Shaking his head, Iwaizumi finishes another bottle of beer and leans back in the booth, eyes closing. He doesn't drink often, but this week he has a reason. This week, he feels as if his heart was ripped out and stomped on, so he decided to knock back a few beers and vodka. Because that's what people do when they're upset. They get drunk and do stupid things.

"So," Kindaichi clears his throat, "…are they… dating?"

He'd told them about Oikawa and Kuroo, how he can't stop thinking about it, seeing it. Oikawa's naturally flirty with everyone, with varying levels, so he doesn't think much about it at first. But maybe he'd been entirely overlooking something because of how he felt, what he assumed. Oikawa had always been the one to go on dates, always had been popular with girls throughout high school and undergraduate years. Iwaizumi had grown used to it; it wasn't the best mindset, but part of him had always been relieved when Oikawa was dumped. All his relationships had been relatively short term; even when he was with them, he'd always joke that ' _Iwa-chan's my number one'_ , words that meant more to Iwaizumi than Oikawa had ever fathomed.

It's easier to be in love with Oikawa when he's single. Iwaizumi wants Oikawa to be happy, but he feels like he's being repeatedly stabbed when he sees him with someone else.

"Don't know," Iwaizumi mumbles tiredly. "Don't think so. Oikawa's never brought it up. If he's got a crush on him, he would've said something by now."

"I mean, I'm sure it's just physical… right? Worst case they just hook up now and then—"

"Stop talking," Hanamaki mumbles, elbowing Kindaichi before he turns back to Iwaizumi. "Let me get you some water."

Hanamaki ushers Kindaichi into standing and disappears into the throng of people. Sitting down again, Kindaichi leans forward with a frown, brow knit in concern. "…Are you going to tell him still?"

Iwaizumi's drunk, but he can still make a pretty good _what the fuck_ face.

"No," he says, expression still retaining its incredulity. "No way."

"Why not?" Kindaichi asks, pressing a topic Iwaizumi clearly doesn't feel like talking about. "If it's just physical—"

"If Oikawa felt the same way, he would've done something about it by now," Iwaizumi interrupts, leaning forward and pressing his index fingers to the bridge of his nose. "If Oikawa felt the same way, wanted _anything_ , he would've said something. I know him. That's the type of person he is. So if all he wants is sex… well, he's got that goddamn cat now."

"Hm, I always thought of Oikawa-san as a dog person…"

"…"

"Off topic, sorry."

Because it's true, Iwaizumi thinks. If Oikawa had ever had any intention of advancing their relationship, he more likely than not would've hinted at it. Iwaizumi's seen him go on date after date, have girlfriends and boyfriends, far more than Iwaizumi has. Most of them are short relationships; he doesn't know if Oikawa's ever celebrated an anniversary.

So if Oikawa wants to go and commit to some stupid stray cat, he's more than welcome to.

"Fuckin' Asskawa…"

Iwaizumi groans.

"Goddamn cats… always hated them. Fucking…"

Hanamaki returns with the water, this time just waves Kindaichi into sitting further into the booth. Accepting the glass, Iwaizumi glances around the crowded bar as he raises it to his lips. He doesn't go out often, but this is where he goes if he does. It's cozy and familiar; it can get loud sometimes, but he's gotten used to it. It feels like a third home of sorts; the library is his _study_ home, the apartment is his _home_ home, the bar is his _unwind-and-relax_ home. In all three places, Oikawa more often than not is there.

So this bar, like everything else, reminds him of Oikawa.

He doesn't know how much time has passed. Bars have that effect; it's hard to keep track of time unless he's actually checking his phone every now and then. Iwaizumi's just trying to relax. It's been a strenuous, emotionally draining, and frustrating week. He's just talking with Hanamaki and Kindaichi, actually manages to smile once in a while at something one of them say. In fact, he's almost starting to feel better when he spots unmistakable crappy hair.

Iwaizumi's had three beers and four shots; his lips have touched the glass of water without actually drinking any when he spots Kuroo and Oikawa sitting at the bar. He's staring at them; Kindaichi is too, but only because Iwaizumi's brought a fist down on the table so harshly that beer number four nearly topples over. Hanamaki says something, but Iwaizumi doesn't hear. He's staring because Oikawa's laughing and Kuroo's laughing and their shoulders are bumping into each other. They keep leaning over and Iwaizumi wants to yell that it's not _that goddamn loud_ , there's no reason for them to be that close.

"Iwaizumi…"

"I'm fine. It's fine," he says automatically, tears his eyes away. "It's okay."

He has to take a moment to remind himself that it's not as if he and Oikawa are anything beyond friends. They never have been, so, of course, Oikawa can go drinking with whoever he wants. He can go kiss whoever he wants.

Iwaizumi makes the mistake of looking over again and then his blood runs cold. Kuroo's arm had been around Oikawa's waist to loosely hold him close, but he's moved it; his longer fingers are over the nape of Oikawa's neck, thumb circling a very dark, very obvious hickey.

Iwaizumi feels sick.

He can go make out with whoever he wants, he reminds himself. Oikawa can do what he wants with who he wants. He can do who he wants to do. It's his choice.

Iwaizumi's almost entirely convinced himself that he's okay with Oikawa doing whatever he wants, whoever he wants, but then he watches Oikawa lean in so close to that his nose brushes against Kuroo's and they could almost kiss.

And then Kuroo slings an arm around Oikawa's shoulders.

Ignoring Hanamaki, Iwaizumi stands, officially toppling beer number four. He jerks his arm free from Kindaichi's lunging grasp and makes his way over, eyes fixated on Kuroo Tetsurou and his stupid hair, Kuroo Tetsurou and his stupid grin, Kuroo Tetsurou and his stupid back. Kuroo Tetsurou and his stupid arm around goddamn, piece of shit Oikawa Tooru.

"Oi."

Kuroo looks over his shoulder; he blinks before starting to smile and Iwaizumi notices that he pulls away from Oikawa immediately. He looks a bit startled when Iwaizumi reaches a hand out to grab his shoulder. Oikawa looks surprised too and Iwaizumi wants to snarl _what_ , _not funny anymore?!_

Iwaizumi is drunk and angry and abrasive, so once he's face to face with Kuroo Tetsurou, there's only one thing to do:

Punch him in the face.

Iwaizumi swings a fist and it cleanly connects with Kuroo Tetsurou's stupid jaw. It sends him toppling from the stool straight to the ground, wincing and swearing loudly enough that it can be heard over the noisiness of the bar. Iwaizumi hisses in pain and shakes his hand; asshole's got a strong jaw, but the pain isn't enough to knock any amount of sense into him. Had it not been for Oikawa's hands on his chest to shove him back, right into Hanamaki and Kindaichi's waiting arms, Iwaizumi would've given Kuroo a black eye to match his busted lip.

"Iwa-chan, what the hell?!" he snaps and Iwaizumi only gets angrier because, apparently, Kuroo has become important enough that Oikawa will get upset over him. He's glaring; Iwaizumi just stares at him for a moment as if he doesn't recognize him. It seems to piss him off more because Oikawa grabs his shirt. "What are you doing?!"

"Piss off!" he growls, shoving Oikawa away and he tries to lunge forward at Kuroo but Hanamaki and Kindaichi are holding him back, firm grips more than enough to overpower Iwaizumi's pissed off, drunken state. "Lemme go! This is between me and that goddamn cat-!"

" _Hajime_ , calm down—"

"Oh, you're first naming me now, Oikawa? What, pissed your new boyfriend can't take a hit?"

"What's your problem tonight?" Oikawa yells, he actually yells, and Iwaizumi's eyes go from Kuroo to his best friend. Oikawa, despite his sunshine disposition, can actually look terrifying when he's mad; unfortunately, though, Iwaizumi's not afraid of him. Iwaizumi's known him since they were babies. There's little about Oikawa that he hasn't already seen and witnessed. Oikawa being mad is rare, but it's nothing he can't handle.

"My problem? _My_ problem?" he snarls. " _You're_ the goddamn problem, Oikawa! I don't know where the hell you go for more than a week and suddenly you show up here?"

"I'm sorry," Oikawa sneers, "I didn't realize this bar was now _your_ bar. Am I still allowed in the library on campus, or is that yours too?!"

"You've always been a piece of shit, Oikawa, but sometimes you go too goddamn far—"

"Me? You're the one who gets so ridiculously drunk that you start punching people! I don't think you're in any sort of position to be lecturing people right now, Iwaizumi!"

There's a crowd forming around them. Kuroo has gotten up, thanks to the kind hands of some strangers. He steps between Oikawa and Iwaizumi, seems to be the only one brave enough to do so, and has a hand to each of their chests, though his touch against Iwaizumi's is fleeting. His hand drops from Oikawa soon; the touch doesn't linger at all. Kuroo manages a smile as best he can, has accepted a napkin and is holding it to his lip as he takes a step back, stumbling a bit. "Hey, this isn't a high school cafeteria, all right? Nothing to see. Nothing exciting, sorry."

He's got a smile that manages to dissipate most tension, is also charming enough that people approach him to ask if he's all right. Kuroo manages a laugh and nods, waves them off as best he can. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. We're friends. It's just a scuffle."

"You sure?" the bartender asks. "Want me to call security?"

Iwaizumi and Oikawa had been holding each other's glares. Oikawa's the first to break it; he mumbles 'are you all right?' and Kuroo nods, waves off his concern. "I'm fine. You weren't kidding when you said he was strong."

Kuroo realizes now is not the time for a joke when Oikawa sends Iwaizumi a dirty look.

"No, I'm fine," he says instead, sighing and putting a hand on Oikawa's shoulder. He glances at Iwaizumi and, seeing his expression, removes his hand. The napkin is beginning to stain dark red with blood and Kuroo shakes his head when he's offered another.

Iwaizumi's still pissed and Oikawa is too; Kuroo's actually never seen either of them this mad before. His jaw still aches and his lip is stinging, pain increasing when he turns to look at Iwaizumi and offers him a sincerely apologetic smile.

"Trust me," he says, eyes locking with Iwaizumi's. "I deserved that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha i admittedly had too much fun writing iwaizumi thinking that kuroo's stupid and punching him. thank you for reading, comments/kudos are appreciated!
> 
> (also i'm 99% sure this is going to happen but every time i add a chapter note at the end for a new chapter, the original one from chapter 1 also shows up... how do i make it so it doesn't do that...?)


	4. slight turn of the head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kozume kenma thinks kuroo tetsurou's pretty stupid sometimes.

**From: Hinata Shoyo**

_kenma! i need a favor, think you can help me out?_

**To: Hinata Shoyo**

_probably. what do you need?_

**From: Hinata Shoyo**

… _actually never mind! just wanna hang out! can we grab lunch?_

Giving a slight purse of his lips, Kenma finds himself questioning Hinata's sudden aversion to the topic. But as his thumbs hover over the keyboard in preparation for his response, the door slams open and Kenma flinches, golden eyes flitting upwards and the purse immediately deepens into a frown, brow knit as he stands with a sigh.

"…What happened?" he asks, slight worry entirely overshadowed with annoyance.

Kozume Kenma thinks Kuroo Tetsurou's pretty stupid sometimes.

He's smart. He studies hard and when coupled with his natural intelligence, Kuroo seems to easily and effortlessly take top marks in the highest level classes all the time. So when he gains admittance into one of the top chemistry graduate programs in the nation, Kenma's not surprised. He moves with him from their home to an apartment closer to university, still in the Tokyo area, and Kenma spends his time developing games, works the relatively low stress, flexible job.

So Kuroo's smart. He's book smart, knows the facts. He's street smart, can navigate through most situations well. He's intelligent, can apply what he knows. He usually does smart things, given that he's a smart person.

But getting himself punched in the face?

Not smart.

_Not smart._

That's a situation Kenma thinks is more likely for Oikawa to be in, though he only sees Oikawa engaging in the taunting part, not the actual receiving a hit. He's somehow good at evading the consequences of his actions; maybe it's the charming smile or the wily words, but, for the most part, Oikawa gets away pain-free.

Kuroo, though.

Not so much.

Kuroo returns holding a bloody napkin to his otherwise grinning lips and a steely-faced Oikawa. Oikawa comes in and quietly explains what happened. Kenma doesn't quite understand; all Oikawa really says is what he's already figured out ("Kuroo was punched") and decides to wait for Kuroo to fill in the gaps. He's never seen Oikawa this angry and Kenma's just glad it's not at him. He gives a curt nod once he has his first aid kit and Kuroo's on the couch. "Thanks for bringing him home."

"Text me if you need anything."

"Will do."

Nodding, Oikawa doesn't linger and immediately turns. He opens the door and Kuroo cranes his neck, napkin falling away. "Wait, Oik—"

Sighing, Kenma promptly sits on Kuroo's lap as he's standing and forces him to sit back down. His knees are straddling his hips and hears the door close as Kenma takes Kuroo's face gently to examine the wound. "Let him go, Kuro," he mumbles. "Pretty sure you've done enough."

"You don't even know what happened," Kuroo retorts, tries not to move his mouth too much because of the stinging pain. After the crowd had dispersed, he'd grabbed Oikawa's arm and ushered him out of the bar as soon as he could, assumed that Kindaichi and Hanamaki had taken Iwaizumi home.

He's not at all surprised that he was punched, though he was surprised that _Iwaizumi_ actually hit someone. The only person he's ever seen him hit was Oikawa, and even that was fleeting and nothing serious. Iwaizumi's always been rather level headed, if a little short tempered. But, Kuroo realizes, he's got every right to be mad and probably deserves more than a busted lip.

Kuroo knows he's not a _good_ person, but he has to admit that this is a new low for him.

His sigh moves his chest and Kenma just stares quietly. Kuroo knows he's waiting for an answer but doesn't feel like talking yet. It's hard enough to try to concentrate with him so close; being friends since they were kids, physical contact isn't new for them. But ever since he's realized his feelings, Kenma being close does strange things to his heart, feels like it's both racing and stopping at the same time.

It sucks, being so in love with him.

He watches Kenma pick up a bottle of antiseptic and wet a cotton ball with it, and decides to close his eyes. Kenma's fingers are taking hold of his chin and Kuroo tries not to make the way he swallows too apparent; his eyes end up opening and he's mesmerized by Kenma's concentration. It's just a small injury, something Kuroo could take care of himself, but he's not about to argue with Kenma over that. He'll take anything he can get at this point.

Kenma's got the same expression right now as he does when he's in a final boss battle. His brow is slightly knit and his eyes are narrowed, focused and unwavering. Kuroo can tell that he's biting his lip a bit; sometimes when it's really intense, he'll stop breathing all together. There have been a few times where Kuroo hesitantly gently places his hand on Kenma's back just to make sure he's breathing, murmur 'breathe' when he realizes he isn't. He only pulls back when he feels, hears, and sees the inhale.

He's not about to let Kenma pass out over his video game, contrary to what Kenma's priorities may be.

Kuroo's watching him so intently and it takes everything to not jolt when he feels Kenma's fingers, soft and warm, fleeting against his skin.

"Then tell me," Kenma says quietly once he's finished examining the wound, checking to see if Kuroo's sustained any other injuries.

Kuroo just sighs and looks away. "Iwaizumi punched me."

"For sleeping with Oikawa?" Kenma asks.

"For sleeping with Oikawa," Kuroo confirms.

Kenma frowns a bit and Kuroo offers a slight smile. Kenma's never judged him. Kuroo's done stuff that Kenma wouldn't do or like, but he's never passed judgment. A part of Kuroo wonders if this is a first; his heart starts sinking to think that Kenma's opinion of him has lowered. He hears 'hold still' commanded quietly, wincing a bit regardless when the antiseptic touches to his wound. Kenma's grip on his chin tightens, sending Kuroo's heart into an erratic rhythm.

He and Oikawa had ended up at the bar after a long day of class. Oikawa announced he felt like going out and Kuroo made him compromise on just hanging out at a bar because of morning classes the next day. Oikawa begrudgingly agreed but his pout turned into a grin a few drinks later. Kuroo realizes it may have been smart to check if anyone they knew was there, but neither of them were exactly thinking clearly. He remembers Oikawa leaning over under the guise of reaching for a napkin, but he gives a sly smirk when he's so close he can kiss Kuroo, hand on his thigh, but pulling back just before Kuroo thinks to lean in and steal one.

Their arms brush a lot, as do their thighs; physical touch has never been something they actively shied away from, but, given their new _extracurricular activity_ , it's something they're more aware of. And Kuroo almost doesn't think twice of it; his hand against Oikawa's thigh, Oikawa's head on his shoulder. But when he drapes an arm around Oikawa's shoulder, it's apparently the last straw because Iwaizumi comes over and punches him.

He's got a nice right hook, though Kuroo's never expected any different.

Kenma's focused on tending to his wound and Kuroo watches him for a bit. But when he realizes the way he's looking at him might be what Oikawa describes as "puppy eyes that make even puppies sad," he decides to look away. Kuroo winces again at the antiseptic but stays still other than that; his arms are draped over the back of the couch and tries to not think about how close Kenma is, how warm he is.

How Kenma smells of afternoon rain, of hot chocolate on wintry evenings, of warmth after a chilly morning. How being with Kenma is soothing and calming and familiar; it's like everything that's ever made him happy is represented in Kenma and Kuroo knows he can't depend on one person but he can't help it. This person is his everything, _absolute everything_ , and he's accepted it. Kenma is his home; he's who Kuroo wants to come back to and who he does come back to.

Without exception.

He glances around the living room and sees Kenma's laptop on a desk, screen still lit up. He can't see it clearly but sees that he was coding and frowns, hears Kenma murmur 'stop.' He tries to return his face to a neutral expression but can't help feeling bad about ruining Kenma's night. He was probably trying to get some work done and there's a mug of what Kuroo assumes to be coffee.

Kuroo hates feeling like an inconvenience.

"It's for fun," Kenma says, having glanced at where Kuroo was staring. "It's fine."

"How did you know that's what I was thinking about?"

"You frowned," Kenma explains quietly. "And you're selfless. Not that hard to put together."

Kuroo offers a small smile. "Perceptive."

Kenma finishes with the antiseptic and leaves it on a napkin on the coffee table. He's staring at the wound before he decides to pick up a piece of gauze. But he just holds it in his fingers, keeps his eyes downcast and Kuroo watches him.

"Why did you sleep with him?" Kenma asks finally after a beat of silence.

Kuroo raises an eyebrow. The question is certainly fair, just a bit out of character of him to ask. Maybe it's because he's friends with Oikawa too. Or maybe because he's friends with Iwaizumi, doesn't understand why Kuroo, who's also his friend, would hook up with the person their friend is in love with. It's definitely a fair, valid question and Kuroo actually has no halfway decent answer. "What, jealous?" he teases.

"No, just wondering if sleeping with friends is your thing now."

"Are you judging me?"

"No."

And he isn't, which Kuroo knows even without him having to say it. Kenma's never judged; he has faith in Kuroo's decision making (for some strange reason.) Giving another sigh, Kuroo shrugs and leans back. "…I don't know," he says quietly, other corner of his lips curling into a slight smile. "I know it's wrong. Iwaizumi's in love with him, but here I am, entirely aware of that, there when he was about to confess and screwing Oikawa anyway."

Kenma doesn't say anything, but Kuroo can feel him watching him.

"…I guess because the guy I really want to kiss…" Kuroo hesitates and shrugs. "…I can't. So this… helps with that. I know it's cliché, sleeping with someone to forget someone else, but it's seriously about the only thing that's actually been working."

"…You didn't tell me you're in love with someone," Kenma says quietly and Kuroo almost, _almost_ laughs.

_Because it's you._

He shrugs. "It's nothing. I'm just hung up on them."

"Are you sure?" Kenma asks, his brow furrowing and Kuroo offers a smile. "I don't want you to get hurt like last time."

Kuroo blinks in surprise at him bringing it up. He laughs softly and shakes his head. "It's different this time. That was a break up. This…"

Kuroo pauses and shakes his head, shrugging.

"…We're not even going to break up because it's not going to happen. So there's one good thing, right?"

He doesn't realize that almost thirty seconds of silence have passed. Clearing his throat, he opens his mouth to apologize about suddenly being so depressing, when Kenma cuts him off. "I just don't want you to get hurt again," he repeats, voice softer.

Kenma looks up and Kuroo's surprised, unable to find the right words to describe how he's looking at him. "…Because your last break up…" Kenma pauses. "It really got you down. You wouldn't get out of bed for a week."

He's talking about Kuroo's most recent break up, two years ago when they were still undergraduates. Kuroo hasn't dated since. It initially was because of the break up, but then it became more because he's so in love with Kenma he can't even think about dating someone else. But he remembers that break up; everyone has a break up that absolutely obliterates them and Kuroo's fairly sure this had been that one for him. It had been a long-term relationship of three years. They'd met in their first year of undergraduate and instantly clicked. Something happened by the time they graduated and the break up was messy; she'd argued that he didn't love her anymore and Kuroo tried to defend himself, said that he _did_ and she'd have to trust him if this were to work out.

What he'd never told Kenma about the break up, though, was that she was very convinced Kuroo was and had always been in love with Kenma. He denied it vehemently; he was in love with her, he tried to argue, she was the person he wanted to be with. She was right, but he didn't want to admit that. He desperately wanted this relationship to work because that would mean moving on from Kenma, that would mean keeping his best friend and also no longer having to deal with his unrequited feelings.

But she wouldn't budge from that position and he didn't blame her, because it was the truth. He could only delude himself, and her, for so long.

Their fight ended up encompassing every argument they ever had. All the traits they had once loved became a point of annoyance; it was a brutal argument that lasted all night, Kuroo just nodding when she suggested they break up.

Because even if she was right, it hadn't meant that Kuroo hadn't fallen for her. He had; he'd come to care for her so much and his biggest regret was that it hadn't been enough. So when she finally said 'let's break up' with her voice cracking, Kuroo just nodded, unable to trust his own voice to carry his objection. He'd never been one to push someone to do something they didn't want to or weren't ready for; if it made her happy, he'd mumbled, then it was all right with him.

" _I'm sorry, Tetsurou."_

Kuroo had given one last heartbroken smile.

" _Yeah. Me too."_

He'd shown up at Kenma's apartment at five in the morning with red eyes and Kenma had just let him in silently. They slipped into bed together and Kenma wordlessly held Kuroo close, didn't need to ask him what was wrong. Kuroo woke up like that, limbs tangled with Kenma's, and he just sighed into his shirt. _"You're awake, aren't you?"_

" _Yeah."_

"… _I don't want to talk about it."_

" _Okay."_

And they didn't talk about it.

"It's a break up," Kuroo murmured, still holding the same half smile. "They're never fun. It's not like you don't know."

"It's not the same. We didn't go out for as long as you did and she was…" Kenma sighs and Kuroo blinks at how firm he sounds. "…Kuro. That break up seemed like it was going to kill you. I don't want you to have to go through that again. So this person…"

"This person wouldn't hurt me," Kuroo says and looks at him. "…I know they wouldn't. I'm sure of it."

Kenma looks dubious (and Kuroo almost laughs because even if Kenma knew it was him, he'd likely have that expression too) and ends up sighing, nodding. Kuroo gives another smile and moves to wrap his arms loosely around Kenma's waits to hold him close. "Have you confessed?" Kenma asks.

"Nah. They're not where I am and I don't want to make things awkward."

Kenma nods and, after a moment, rests his arms on Kuroo's shoulders and rests his chin on top of his head. "…Do I get to know who this person is?"

"Mm… not now."

"Okay."

One of the things Kuroo loves about Kenma is that he doesn't push him for answers. Kuroo reciprocates that; they know the other will tell if it's important, but otherwise, they respect their privacy.

"But, Kuro…" Kenma starts, pausing after a moment and pulling back so he can look at him, "…nobody can resist you. So you should just go for it."

Genuinely surprised at what he says, Kuroo manages a small smile and tilts his head. "Oh? Does that include you?" he teases.

Kenma scoffs, shoves at Kuroo's shoulder gently. He tells him to make sure and rest as he gets off of him and heads towards his bedroom, probably to get ready to go to bed. Kuroo finds himself watching Kenma walking off and his heart is still racing a bit as he reaches for his phone.

_Nobody can resist you._

Kuroo chuckles, scrolls down his contacts list as he looks for Oikawa's name.

"Apparently the only one I want is able to."

* * *

"Iwaizumi, _explain yourself_."

"You're not my fucking mother, Oikawa…"

Iwaizumi has an ache in his hand to match the one in his head, a sort of two-for-one deal he didn't know he was getting. Kindaichi and Hanamaki usher him home from the bar and Iwaizumi just waves them off, snaps that he'll be okay. He manages to wash up in his drunken state, but still tastes toothpaste as he runs his tongue over his teeth when he's stumbling over to bed. His sheets are probably going to reek of beer and hard liquor when he wakes up, he thinks, but he can't be bothered to care. Sober Iwaizumi can care. Drunk Iwaizumi can't.

He doesn't know how long he's been sleeping when he's woken again. It feels like his cheek has met his pillow for just a second before he's forced awake again, groaning in annoyance. His drunken state makes everything feel a little hazy; he may or may not have even fallen asleep when he hears Oikawa's voice. The door is slammed open and then he's on Iwaizumi's bed, shaking him and yanking the covers off.

Grunting, he tries to pull the blankets over his head, but Oikawa just forces them down again. He opens his eyes begrudgingly; it's rare for Oikawa to be genuinely angry and show it instead of stifling it between a tight-lipped smile and tense words. Iwaizumi just looks at him, sighs because he's very rarely on the receiving end of that glare. "Piss off, Oikawa…" he grumbles, tries to turn on his side and go back to sleep.

"Not until you tell me why you punched Tetsu-chan," Oikawa snarls, grabbing Iwaizumi by the front of his shirt and forcing him up. "What the hell was that?!"

"The guy pisses me off," Iwaizumi snaps, winces and tries to push him away to no avail. "Piss _off,_ Oikawa. I don't want to do this right now."

"You two get along fine!" Oikawa yells and, annoyed at being both shaken and wincing at his volume, Iwaizumi shoves his hand away firmly. "Is this a new development I should be aware of now?! You'll punch anybody I kiss?!"

"You and I know you didn't just fuckin' _kiss_ him, Oikawa."

"Fine, so we slept together! That doesn't give you the right—"

"Well, thanks for the confirmation."

Oikawa falters and blinks, realizes that Iwaizumi thought they'd only gotten so far as an intense make out session. But after a moment, he's glaring again. "So?! Iwaizumi, we're not dating, all right? I can be with whoever I want and you can't go around hitting them! _Especially_ not when they're my friends!"

"You seriously think you and fuckin' defend what you and him are doing?!"

" _We're not dating!_ "

"That's not the goddamn point, the point is apparently you two care more about fucking than friendship—"

"That's not fair—"

"It _is_ , Oikawa, fucking realize what an asshole you're being!"

Oikawa reaches out to grab him again when Iwaizumi brings one leg up. Since Oikawa had been straddling him, it catches him off guard and successfully knocks him off balance. But Oikawa's fast and manages to grab Iwaizumi's shirt again, so they both tumble off the bed. Oikawa's the one who lands on the ground, wincing as his head bumps against the nightstand and not the plushest carpet. He hisses and Iwaizumi grabs a wrist, tries to pin it to the ground. Oikawa manages to free his limb and grabs Iwaizumi by his shirt, yanks harshly and uses momentum to flip their positions.

Iwaizumi grunts, shoves at Oikawa's chest. He's almost forgotten just how strong Oikawa is; he may not look it, but he's certainly able to take most people on, including Iwaizumi. They fought a lot when they were younger and he remembers how he could've just picked Oikawa up at one point. But then he grew taller and Iwaizumi's still bitter.

They struggle for a few moments, but Iwaizumi's drunken state renders him weaker and he eventually gives up, is lying on the ground with Oikawa's knees straddling his hips. His eyes close and he gives a sigh; one hand is brought up to cover his eyes and mumbles 'fine' as he pinches the bridge of his nose. "Congratulations. You win. Go fuck him again, I don't give a damn."

"Iwaiz— _Hajime_ ," Oikawa corrects, voice nearly cracking because he's always hated fighting with Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi grunts as Oikawa's hands pull his chest up a bit just to shove him back down. His hand drops and he looks up at him. "Fucking _explain yourself_."

They're both heaving slightly, staring at each other with just a faint light streaming in from the living room. Oikawa's eyes are glassy and Iwaizumi looks away. He's always hated when Oikawa's about to cry; he cries when he's emotional, but that never lessens his bite or anger. It just means he cares much more than he'd like to admit.

"Answer me, _Hajime_ ," he snaps, repeats his name and Iwaizumi swears quietly. "Tell me why you punched him. Or were you not even _thinking_? You can't blame everything on being drunk! Fine, Tetsu-chan and I were being selfish, but you can't just-"

"You're awfully goddamn protective over him," Iwaizumi can't help but sneer.

"Tetsu-chan's my _friend_!"

"So, what, am I nothing now?! You're going to cast me aside like all your exes?! Because that's what you're good at, right? Getting tired of people and throwing them away when you're done?!"

Oikawa falters, fingers loosening their grip and he looks at Iwaizumi, expression a mix of confused and guilty. The thought they've both been trying to avoid is finally sinking in with the reality of Iwaizumi's words. _I'm in love with you and you aren't in love with me_ is now some sort of banner extending over both of them. While Iwaizumi looks away, a bit ashamed at the low blow, Oikawa's feeling guilty as hell. He chews on his bottom lip for a few moments and swallows, straightening a bit.

"…I didn't say that," he says quietly.

"You didn't need to," Iwaizumi snarls and shoves at Oikawa. He silently moves off of him and Iwaizumi sits up, bringing a hand to his face. Oikawa reaches for a water bottle nearby and offers it to him, waits as Iwaizumi downs half of it in one gulp and swallows. He sighs.

Because he _knows_ why Iwaizumi had punched Kuroo, just didn't want to think about it. He'd spent the entire week trying to not, after all. Thinking about it reminded Oikawa of his guilt, but it also made him angry because he wasn't Iwaizumi's. He _wasn't_.

He's spent all week trying to justify what he knows is a terrible thing to do and what he hates is that he knows that's not nearly enough.

"…Iwa-chan, you're really important to me," Oikawa finally says quietly. "You could never be replaced. But I don't want anything to change between us, okay?"

The confession note sits in the bottom of Oikawa's top drawer of his desk, the one he clearly uses the most often, has only the most practical of office supplies: staples, post-it notes, tape, thumbtacks, extra pens and pencils. The letter is carefully slipped beneath everything and he then organizes what he took out on top of it.

He's tried really hard not to think about it, but now that he's here with Iwaizumi, it's all he can think about.

"…Got it."

"You're not just anyone to me," he continues and looks up. Oikawa offers the slightest of smiles, slightly crooked and eyes softening. "Iwa-chan, I could _never_ toss you aside, okay? Don't even think that."

"…That's hard to believe," Iwaizumi mumbles. "Because—"

"I know what my track record is like with exes," Oikawa mumbles. Even if Oikawa's the one who's dumped, he's usually the one to move on first; they've both seen the messes Oikawa leaves behind, flouncing easily to the next person while his ex is still trying to deal with their feelings for him. It's always been some disconnect; what Iwaizumi doesn't know is that Oikawa has a certain barrier between himself and everyone, but only Iwaizumi doesn't have one. Iwaizumi's the only one Oikawa entirely trusts and for that reason, Iwaizumi is irreplaceable.

"But you're not an ex, Iwa-chan. I know this sucks for you, but… you're so much more to me than anyone ever has been. You're really important to me. You're someone I'm proud to call my best friend. Okay?"

The silence is almost unbearable but Iwaizumi sighs, breathes an 'okay' with his exhale.

Oikawa gives him a tired smile, standing and extending a hand. Iwaizumi accepts it and Oikawa laughs, catching him when he stumbles, doesn't even think twice about how he holds him for a few moments longer than necessary because they've always been like that. Since they were small, they've always been touching each other, sharing a bed, even occasionally walking into each other's rooms to borrow clothes because they didn't feel like doing laundry.

Of course, when Oikawa begins to discover a fashion sense, Iwaizumi keeps to his sweats. But there is one alien t-shirt that Oikawa allows him to keep. It had been his favorite at one point, but if it makes Iwaizumi happy, he'll give it up.

"I'll leave you some aspirin before I go to class tomorrow, okay?" he says quietly, breath hot against the shell of Iwaizumi's ear.

Iwaizumi grumbles some sort of an agreement and climbs back into bed. Oikawa's humming as he helps him out of his clothes, leaves him in just his boxers so he won't wake up with clothes bunched up uncomfortably. He tosses everything into a nearby laundry hamper and closes the door to Iwaizumi's room, heads into the bathroom to take a shower when he takes out his phone.

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_you okay?_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_fine. how are you feeling?_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_fine. hows iwaizumi?_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_he'll be okay_

Setting the device down, Oikawa's turned on the showerhead after getting undressed when his phone starts ringing. He stares for a moment and picks up, frowns and folds one arm over his chest. "Tetsu-chan, is this a booty call?"

He hears Kuroo laughing and leans his hip against the sink counter. "What, you naked right now?"

Oikawa stares at his clothes hanging on the door handle.

"Yes."

"…Oh. Uh…"

"I'm about to shower."

" _Oh_. Say that first then."

"But it was fun!"

Laughing quietly, Oikawa turns off the showerhead. "So," Kuroo says and Oikawa hears him moving, guesses he's in bed. "…I have to ask."

"Then ask," he answers easily.

"…You're really not into Iwaizumi?"

Oikawa's looking in the mirror, examining a particular strand of his hair when he hears Kuroo's question. He frowns before he can help himself. There's a crease in his forehead from his furrowed brow and he doesn't say anything for a while. He hears something from Kuroo's end; it seems to be Kenma and he hears their muffled conversation, waits until the static dies down.

"I'm not. Why do you keep asking that, Tetsu-chan?"

"Because that's the first time I've ever seen you get angry at someone."

"Well, Tetsu-chan… most people would interpret me getting angry in your defense as having feelings for _you_ ," Oikawa says lightly.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure you've got those too. But... you're my friend, you know? I don't want you to lie to yourself. There are some people who get angry at everyone. There are some people who only get angry at people they truly care about."

Oikawa's silent for a bit.

"Hey, Tetsu-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm getting angry at you right now."

Kuroo laughs again before hissing in pain, to which Oikawa's the one who chuckles. He's instructed to shut up and can hear Kenma again, most likely giving a disapproving look. Oikawa turns on the water again and waits until it's warm enough, giving a small smile as he bids him good night and hangs up.

Kuroo, Oikawa decides, doesn't know what he talks about. Kuroo just likes to irk people, so Oikawa brushes off what he says, steps in.

Hot water rains over him and he closes his eyes, indulges in the warmth as he pushes his now wet hair back from his face. Iwaizumi's always been there for him, from when they were kids and Iwaizumi carried him the mile home because he scraped his knee to when they were in high school and Iwaizumi was the one who dispelled any doubts about deserving the captain title. Always there, always a pillar.

They'd spent countless nights sharing the same bed. It starts when they're kids because even a day of playing together isn't enough and Oikawa wants to sleep curled up against Iwaizumi. The habit continues until they're well into their teenage years; even though Iwaizumi grumbles about Oikawa possessing more heat than the normal human ("it's because I'm hot, Iwa-chan!"), he never tells him to stop.

Arguing with Iwaizumi is common. Oikawa teases a lot, resulting in bickering. But fighting is rare; Iwaizumi and Oikawa get along well for the most part and are more or less entirely synchronized. When they'd played together in Seijou, there was a reason that Oikawa tossed to Iwaizumi every time he felt like he was backed into a corner. That sort of trust is built but it's also innate; it's entire, pure, all consuming. Oikawa would trust Iwaizumi with his life, if it came down to it, and he knows the feeling is reciprocated.

That's what makes Iwaizumi absolutely irreplaceable to Oikawa.

Turning around to let the water hit his back, Oikawa opens his eyes and stares at the tiles. Iwaizumi's been there when Oikawa receives his first confession (yells at him to not let it get to his head) and goes through his first break up (tells him that he's not alone, never will be). He's there through the first lost tooth, first failure, first breakdown, stays strong and is a constant, unwavering presence. Iwaizumi's such an ingrained part in Oikawa's life that he can't imagine life without him.

He's so lost in his thoughts about _you're really not into Iwaizumi?_ that a good forty minutes pass before Oikawa even remembers to shampoo his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i always forget to thank her but my beta is loveandallthat so thanks for always accepting what i shove at you in the morning and having it done by noon hahahah you're are so very incredibly kind and patient with me.
> 
> THANK YOU FOR READING, kudos/comments appreciated! ♥


	5. eyes end when you said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to: iwa-chan  
> iwa-chan, have you ever just had to deal with someone really annoying?
> 
> from: iwa-chan  
> look in a mirror dumbass
> 
> to: iwa-chan  
> (」゜ロ゜)」

" _Hey, Kenma. Do you know where I can find Kuroo?"_

" _If not the chemistry building, then the coffee shop right next to it."_

Kuroo Tetsurou is probably made of 30% chemistry knowledge and 70% caffeine, Kenma had said at one point, with such a deadpan expression that Iwaizumi laughed. Kenma's a good friend. Iwaizumi, despite his current feelings, ultimately thinks Kuroo's a good friend too, but his personality matches Kenma more. Kuroo's a chameleon. Kenma's more constant. His dry humor and witty remarks never fail to make Iwaizumi smile, even if he's in a bad mood.

Kenma's a good friend.

"Hey, Kuroo."

Iwaizumi woke up that morning to a headache and promised aspirin, complete with a charming, if slightly condescending, note left by Oikawa that was propped up against the glass of water. He checked his phone and saw a barrage of texts from Oikawa; Iwaizumi couldn't help but smile, was relieved that Oikawa's gone back to normal between them.

The conversation had stung, but it was better than Oikawa telling him he didn't want to be friends anymore. Because if Oikawa had accepted his feelings, there would've been two outcomes: be together or not. And if he'd rejected them, there would've been more.

Pretend it never happened, try to go back to normal.

This branched into: success or failure.

Or accept that it happened, try to go back to normal.

This branched into: success and failure.

So Iwaizumi was glad that Oikawa had confronted it. Because having it in the open, having had a conversation, having had a solid answer made things _slightly_ easier. Because hope was what would kill him eventually; having it crushed lessened the hypotheticals that Iwaizumi hated, made it clearer that it was time to move on.

It made him want to die a little, but that was fine.

That's life, after all.

**From: Shittykawa**

_iwa-chan! good morning! o(^_ _^)o_

**From: Shittykawa**

_is your phone on? maybe the ringing will wake you up!_

**From: Shittykawa**

_IWA-CHAN DON'T IGNORE ME (´_ _；_ _д_ _；_ _`)_

**From: Shittykawa**

_i have to go learn now, but remember to wake up, iwa-chan! ( ´_ _` )_ _ﾉ_

**From: Shittykawa**

_ps: you snore when you sleep drunk_

When his headache dulls enough that Iwaizumi can walk without wanting to fall to the ground in crippling pain, he gets dressed. Despite the sunglasses perched on the bridge of his nose, he's still wincing when he went outside. He pockets his phone after the short conversation with Kenma; Iwaizumi didn't explain why he needed to find Kuroo, but he trusts that Kenma knows. Kenma's observant, the way Oikawa's good at reading people and Kuroo's good at pissing them off. Except Kenma's skill is probably useful and not intensely irritating.

He checks the chemistry building; since Iwaizumi's there all the time for Oikawa, he knows the lounges, even the secret study spots. He looks for terrible hair, but everyone seems pretty normal, so Iwaizumi heads towards the coffee shop. Even before he enters, he sees Kuroo's hair. He hesitates, is frozen at the door before he manages to will himself in. He's in the wrong; he can still see how Kuroo's lip is slightly swollen and feels a pang of guilt. Swallowing thickly, he opens the door, walking over without second thought, blurts "I'm sorry" in a loud enough voice that a few people turn their heads.

And then he realizes Kuroo's wearing headphones.

Composure faltering, he blushes a little, raps his knuckles against the table. This time Kuroo looks up. He blinks and pulls down his headphones, offers a smile and doesn't manage to hide his wince well enough. "Oh, Iwaizumi. Hey. What's up?"

"I'm sorry," he repeats, voice quieter. Strongheadedness has always been one of Iwaizumi's trademarks. It's how he can keep someone like Oikawa in line; it's why people say they respect him. He's blunt and to the point, knows when to apologize and accept the blame. Iwaizumi's always been like that, ever since they were kids. He's always owned up to his mistakes and made sure Oikawa did as well. "…For punching you, I mean."

Kuroo seems genuinely surprised to hear him say that and the two stare at each other before he's the one who gives a small laugh, shaking his head. Sitting up a bit straight and uncrossing his ankle from his knee, he puts his book down and closes his laptop. "No, it's fine," he says and Iwaizumi flinches at his lazy smirk because it's too reminiscent of a certain someone's. "I get it. I'd do the same, honestly."

"Even so," Iwaizumi mumbles with a shrug. "I'm sorry."

Despite how he thinks it's unfortunate that Kuroo and Oikawa are friends (a sort of match made in Hell), Iwaizumi actually gets along with Kuroo just fine. Kuroo's got the kind of personality that gets along with anyone. On one hand, he can be close with Oikawa and tolerate his terrible one. But on another, he's able to keep up with Bokuto Koutarou, match his energy level and, despite being a little more mature, ultimately ending up in being involved in all his shenanigans. And then there's Iwaizumi, calmer than the other two, unless irritated, and Kuroo's personality also matches with him. But of course, Kenma can't be forgotten; Kuroo gets along exceedingly well with him, better than anyone else. He's sort of like a chameleon.

Now that Iwaizumi thinks back on it, he never expected to actually get mad enough to punch Kuroo.

Kuroo shakes his head again and Iwaizumi watches him close his book, a bunch of papers marking where he's left off. The title is something related to biochemistry; Iwaizumi knows a bit, but it's essentially restricted to what Oikawa has to learn for his classes. He'll sometimes just explain things because he finally understands and is excited, or because he's trying to make sure he really knows it, tests out his comprehension by attempting to explain to Iwaizumi. It's a valid study method and it does sort of help with Iwaizumi's own studies.

Kuroo motions for him to sit down and Iwaizumi does. He keeps staring at Iwaizumi and he begins to get uncomfortable until he remembers his sunglasses. Hurrying to take them off, he immediately regrets it, groaning and bringing his hands up to shield himself from the sunlight. Kuroo laughs again and stands; he's chosen a table by the window, which is unfortunate for Iwaizumi's hangover, but he lowers the blinds as much as he can. "Better?"

"Yeah, thanks…"

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Iwaizumi swears quietly. He reaches into his pocket to take out a small plastic container, shakes an aspirin onto his palm and dry swallows it. Kuroo looks impressed and Iwaizumi sighs as he pockets the container. "Had to learn how to prove to Oikawa that it's possible."

"…Did he need to do that or…"

"…It was just a really stupid bet."

Kuroo laughs quietly and moves his book aside so he can rest his elbow on the table. It's a tense silence; Iwaizumi's not sure where to look and has always wondered why Kuroo's able to so intensely look at people. He doesn't seem to be bothered by it; Kuroo's certainly not oblivious to social cues, so maybe he's just an intense sort of person. Kenma tells him it's because he's shameless, but Kuroo, compared to many others, isn't _that_ bad.

Or so Iwaizumi thinks.

Adjusting the way he's sitting a few times, Iwaizumi ends up bouncing his leg as he looks around the coffee shop. He doesn't frequent them often; if he needs something to drink, he gets it to go or picks up a can from the store. His choice of places to study are generally the library or his apartment; he's the sort of student who needs silence and coffee shops are a bit too lively with their chatter.

But Kuroo seems to live in these kinds of places.

"...So," Kuroo says eventually, picking up his iced coffee and taking a sip, "about last night. I'm not mad," he adds when Iwaizumi inhales to speak, "But I need to apologize too. I knew how you felt, but I still hooked up with him. That wasn't cool. I'm sorry."

"…Oh. You knew."

Iwaizumi remembers how Kuroo had been there when he left the letter. Somehow both were very important events but he hadn't connected them until now.

"Yeah."

"…Fuck."

Kuroo gives a grin. "You've got bad taste in guys, Iwaizumi."

"I know."

He groans and leans forward, face buried in his hands. Kuroo laughs again—asshole laughs a lot, doesn't he?—and leans back in his chair. "And if it helps, we really are just friends. We'll stop. We never should've started to begin with. It was just really crappy decision making on our part."

Iwaizumi's hands fall away and he gives a nod. "…Thanks."

The silence that stretches between them is filled with white noise and clinking of ceramic. It's not as comfortable as it is with Oikawa (Iwaizumi's sure Kuroo's thinking the same thing about Kenma), but it's good enough. Iwaizumi feels a brick of guilt lifted; though he'd had his reasons, valid as they might be, hitting him still wasn't something he was proud of. It had been satisfying in the moment and had Kuroo been a stranger, Iwaizumi may not have cared. But Kuroo wasn't a stranger; he was a friend who was also friends with Oikawa, got along with him and was unfortunately good looking. He did a shitty thing, but that didn't give Iwaizumi the right to hit him.

Not 100%, at least.

Maybe 75% of that was deserved.

Iwaizumi hadn't expected him to actually do so, but a part of him was prepared to let Kuroo hit him in retaliation. He hadn't and had reacted as calmly as Iwaizumi would've imagined him to. Kuroo Tetsurou, at the core, is a good person.

Iwaizumi sort of hated that when he saw him kissing Oikawa, but most of the time he's glad for it.

Iwaizumi's phone starts ringing and he fishes it out of his pocket. Eyes dropping to the screen, he sees Kenma's name flashing. It goes to voicemail and he frowns a bit. "I've got to go," he says, standing and looking up at Kuroo. "But… thanks. We're okay?"

"Definitely."

Turning and already a few steps away, Iwaizumi halts suddenly. He turns back around and rests a hand on the back of the chair, fingers tightening their grip. Kuroo's looking down again, has opened his computer and book. He doesn't seem to have realized that Iwaizumi's staring at him; apparently, he can be pretty oblivious despite his keen instincts and sharp eyes. "…You don't have to," Iwaizumi says right before his headphones can drown out his voice.

Kuroo looks up in surprise.

"To what?"

"Stop… being with him." he says, eyes averting Kuroo's just as they widen. "You seem to make him happy and it's not like we're dating. It won't do anything to our friendship. Even if you two weren't just friends… it doesn't matter to me."

"…"

"Well, it matters, but—fuck, never mind, just… you don't have to not screw him if I'm the only reason, okay? I'll get over it."

Kuroo's giving him a slightly confused sort of look and Iwaizumi can't discern the way he's smiling as he tilts his head. Kuroo can give unreadable expressions, which probably piss Oikawa off. Returning his headphones to their place around his neck, Kuroo runs a hand through his dark hair, one brow arched higher than the other. "…Thanks, I think. That's pretty big of you to say, actually. If it were me, I don't know if I'd be able to say that."

Kuroo gives one last lopsided smirk before his eyes are back on his book. Iwaizumi turns and leaves. He's met with cold air biting at his cheeks and once he's far enough, he pulls out his phone and calls Kenma back. Kenma doesn't call often; he usually texts, if anything, so Iwaizumi's wondering if it's something important.

"Did you talk to Kuro?" he asks immediately after picking up.

"Huh? Yeah."

It's silent and Iwaizumi's wondering what Kenma wants to know that he can't ask Kuroo directly.

"…Uh… it's only physical between him and Kuroo," he supplies, decides that's the only piece of information that Kenma might care about.

"Oh."

"He said they'd stop."

"Oh."

Iwaizumi's good friends with Kenma, but, unlike Kuroo or the way Iwaizumi is with Oikawa, he can't read him through a phone. However, this time he can sense some sort of a change; maybe it's the way Kenma says 'oh' or how the silence has no static, how that means Kenma's not fidgeting. Smiles can't be heard, but Iwaizumi swears there's one as Kenma says 'good.'

Which makes Iwaizumi feel a bit bad when he continues: "But I told them they didn't have to."

"…Oh."

Kenma's said 'oh' three times, all of them sounding a bit different. Iwaizumi's mulling over this when it hits him and abruptly stops, clears his throat.

"…Kenma."

"Yeah?"

"…You don't have to answer, but…"

"…"

"…Do you have terrible taste in guys too?"

It's quiet for a little bit before Kenma gives the biggest sigh he's ever heard and Iwaizumi laughs, brings a hand up to his face. He hears another exhale of breath from the other line, interprets it as some sort of a chuckle because it's more forceful than a sigh. "We're morons, aren't we?"

"The absolute worst."

They talk a bit more, make indeterminate plans to meet up for lunch, before hanging up. Iwaizumi's about to pocket his phone when he feels it buzzing again. Taking it out, he sees a text from Oikawa asking about dinner plans.

**To: Shittykawa**

_yeah, sure. not doing anything. no plans with Kuroo?_

He actually doesn't mean it vindictively but realizes it can be easily read as that way. But before he can try to clarify, Oikawa's response comes and Iwaizumi's smiling. Because the thing about Oikawa texting is that he texts the way he talks. It's like the emoticons are a substitute for his actual facial expression and Iwaizumi can see it so clearly, read his messages in his tone.

**From: Shittykawa**

_tetsu-chan's stupid! I haven't eaten with iwa-chan in so long o(^_ _^)o_

**From: Shittykawa**

_tetsu-chan makes me pay for my own food, you know (´_ _；_ _д_ _；_ _`)_

**To: Shittykawa**

_lol yeah must suck being an adult. btw i don't actually like paying for you_

**From: Shittykawa**

_?!_

**To: Shittykawa**

_its just a small price to pay for making you stop whining_

**From: Shittykawa**

_(_ _Ｔ_ _Ｔ_ _)_

And despite how he's smiling while texting him, it fades from Iwaizumi's lips as he pockets his phone. His brow knits and Iwaizumi brings a hand up to his chest, presses a palm to his sternum because he's forgotten how to breathe. It burns and he feels hollow; he has to remind himself, actually command his lungs, to breathe. To inhale, to exhale. To keep living, to keep going forward. Things don't stop, even if it feels like they have. They don't stop; they never stop. He can't either.

He's heading home to kill time until they meet up and he has to take a moment to sigh, lean against a wall. Eyes are downcast and closed as he brings a hand up to his face with a groan.

Because the only thing that's harder than getting the nerve to confess to his best friend is having to get over him.

* * *

Kenma hangs up his call with Iwaizumi and gets mad at Kuroo for being the reason his heart both swells and clenches within ten seconds. It's lucky Iwaizumi calls him when he does that morning. While Kuroo had been getting ready to leave, Kenma had been wrestling with his question; it had been nagging at him, but he couldn't bring himself to ask. Kuroo was observant; he'd notice Kenma showing more interest in his sex life than normal, probably piece it together because all that playing detective as a kid apparently helped him.

Because until about three years ago, Kenma wouldn't have cared who Kuroo was hooking up with or why. Not that he actually has to care; despite some rumors Kenma at some point hears (because Kuroo is, in a strange, twisted, unfortunately glaringly obvious way, _attractive)_ , Kuroo's still pretty traditional in terms of sex, usually only sleeps with people he genuinely cares about. So while his _thing_ with Oikawa isn't the first, it's not common and leaves Kenma with an uncomfortable feeling.

He's jealous and he hates feeling that way because Kuroo's not his, never has been, probably never will be.

He'd helped Kuroo with his wound again later, when he got too agitated on the phone with Oikawa and it started bleeding again. Kenma sighed and instructed him to stop talking as he held gauze to the corner of his mouth. He couldn't help but brush his thumb against Kuroo's lips _entirely by accident_ and found himself wondering what it would be like to kiss him.

The thought makes Kenma feel the same way as when he's about to go into a final boss battle.

When he goes to bed that night, he realizes he's jealous of Oikawa Tooru and is slightly annoyed about that. He lies in bed for a while, just stares at the ceiling with a slightly knit brow. He can't stop thinking about Kuroo and Oikawa and hates the uncomfortable feeling it leaves in the pit of his stomach. He thinks about every time they've hung out, every time Oikawa had been at their apartment. Kenma had never thought twice about it, but now he's wondering if there had been signs. Had he missed them? Was he supposed to have noticed? Eventually he sighs and moves onto his side to try to sleep, but he wakes up still bitter.

Surprisingly, Kenma gets along relatively well with Oikawa. They're opposites but after the first few meetings, Oikawa becomes the older brother figure with the younger brother personality. It's probably because he's close to Kuroo; whenever Kuroo's not around but Oikawa is, he ends up stepping in as a sort of protector. Kenma appreciates it, which is why he allows Oikawa to call him 'Pudding-chan' when the original nickname had been 'Ken-chan.' His relationship with him is the way it is with Bokuto; it seems that Kuroo's habit of looking out for him rubs off on all his close friends.

" _Bokuto-san, you don't need to follow me around…"_

" _Sure I do! You're the most important person to Kuroo! I can't let anythin' happen to you!"_

Akaashi had glared at Bokuto and Kenma just gave a wry smile, brushing it off. It's not Bokuto's fault that those words make Kenma want to vomit.

But although Kenma appreciates the effort (usually), no one gives him the same feeling Kuroo does. Ever since they were kids, Kuroo's always been attentive and picks up on the small things Kenma does when he's nervous or overwhelmed. He's the one who pulls him aside and shields him from the world for a little bit when it's too much, is the one who's patient and will go with him to new things and new places if he wants. Even during Kuroo's first year of college where Kenma's still at home, Kuroo will notice the terseness of Kenma's texts, text him:

_on a scale of one to ten?_

And, knowing Kuroo's got a test tomorrow:

_three._

So then Kuroo shows up after five hours, gives a smile.

" _Because it's really an eight, right?"_

Kuroo is his Superman.

Kuroo can get along with just about anyone and even though Kenma's spent his life feeling like he can't offer nearly as much as, say, Oikawa can, Kuroo's never made him feel that way.

Except now, but that's not even Kuroo's fault.

**From: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_you know there's nothing between them, right?_

**To: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_is that what you keep telling yourself?_

**From: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_sort of have to_

Kenma bites his lip before his thumbs are quick over his keyboard.

**To: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_it sucks._

**From: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_tell me about it_

**To: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_you won't tell kuro, right?_

**From: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_no. already promised you_

**To: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_good_

Kenma hesitates.

**To: Iwaizumi Hajime**

… _why did you tell them to keep going?_

Iwaizumi's ellipses hover over on his screen for too long, considering the terseness of his response.

**From: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_makes him happy_

**From: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_sorry, if i knew about you i wouldn't have told him that_

**To: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_no, its fine. i don't have a leash on kuro or anything_

**From: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_he could use one sometimes_

**To: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_tell me about it._

Kenma's interrupted from his conversation by a knock at his door. Looking up, Kenma leaves his phone face down on the table and heads over. He expects it to be Kuroo because there's a forgotten folder on the counter; it's either the entire reason Kuroo needs to go to a café to study or just supplemental material that really would've helped, so Kenma decides to stay in, just in case Kuroo comes home for it. When he opens the door, the person is over six feet tall and pretty, but with chestnut hair and a radiant smile.

"Pudding-chan!" Oikawa sings, not at all perturbed by Kenma's blank expression. He grins, holds out a plate with piece of apple pie on it.

"…You brought me that?"

"Yup!"

"…You walked around in public holding a plate with a piece of apple pie on it?"

"Yup!"

Oikawa Tooru is a strange person, Kozume Kenma decides.

He gives a wry smile and knows Oikawa's sharp eyes have picked up on the folder Kenma puts to the side in favor of the plate. "Come in," he says, starts eating it with the fork that Oikawa has so graciously provided. "And what do you want?"

Because Oikawa doesn't bring people's favorite foods to them without reason.

"So suspicious, Pudding-chan! What if I just wanted to see you?"

Kenma stares at him while eating the pie.

Oikawa gives a dramatic sigh and picks up the folder, rifles through the paper and nods, laughs at some point. "Tetsu-chan must've been sleeping. Like a hydrogen ion would do _that_ …"

He laughs again. Kenma really doesn't understand their chemistry humor.

OIkawa puts the folder down and rests his hands in his pockets afterwards, seems to be beaming for some inexplicable reason that leaves Kenma feeling a little scared. His movements halt, fork suspended in mid-air, as he holds Oikawa's gaze.

Oikawa can be a little creepy sometimes.

"Actually, Pudding-chan, I came over to apologize."

"For what?" Kenma asks with a slight frown.

"Well, we're friends, right?" Oikawa says while smiling. "Friends shouldn't sleep with the guy their friends are in love with."

Kenma knows that it'll ultimately be useless because not only is Oikawa perceptive, Oikawa also isn't easily swayed once he's convinced himself of something. But he scoffs anyway, turns around to sit on his couch. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I haven't told Tetsu-chan," Oikawa says easily and follows him, "because if Pudding-chan hasn't told him it's for a reason, right?"

"There's nothing to tell him."

"Lying isn't very pretty, Pudding-chan."

His frown deepens and he knows Oikawa's probably full of more things to unnerve him, but murmurs 'no more, I promise.' Instead, he just leans back in the sofa and folds his hands to rest behind his head and look up. "You're not upset with me?"

"You can do whatever you want," Kenma answers. "Whoever you want."

Oikawa looks over.

"Pudding-chan, you should tell him."

"No."

"Well, what if I told—"

" _No,_ " Kenma says sharply and Oikawa freezes, nods and looks away. Kenma gives a sigh; he feels a bit bad about snapping at him. Bringing his knees up to his chest, he rests a chin on one and wiggles his toes. "…Why won't you tell Iwaizumi-san?"

"…You know, Pudding-chan, you and Tetsu-chan must spend too much time together. You both keep saying that."

He's pouting as he reaches for a remote and turns on the television, watches the show for a bit. Kenma doesn't know if he planned all of this. He probably did. He's Oikawa, after all. He's annoyingly good at reading people, figuring out what they're thinking, know how to goad them on (a skill he probably perfected from Kuroo.)

Kuroo is a bad influence.

Kenma sighs and puts the plate on the coffee table. He pulls his knees up to his chest after a bit and buries his face in his arms. He listens to the white noise of the television for a bit; this is really the first time he's talked to someone besides Akaashi about it and can feel his heart racing a bit. "…Because he doesn't feel that way around me. I'm not the kind of person people fall in love with."

Oikawa hums and Kenma feels an arm around his shoulders after a moment. It reminds him of how Kuroo will do the same thing when he's upset, but it's extremely apparent that he's not Kuroo. The weight is off, the feeling is off; Kenma appreciates it, but it still leaves a hollow ache in his chest. "Pudding-chan, you know how you told me that Kuroo's the reason why you try new things?"

"…Yeah."

"Doesn't this count as one?"

"…I could lose him."

"Is that why you won't tell him?"

"…Yeah. Because it hardly ever works out," he mumbles. "And… even if he does feel the same way, I just… I don't know if it's worth it. Sometimes I think it is. Other times I don't. So it's better to just not tell him. _Especially_ if he doesn't feel the same way. I can't lose him."

"Your friendship's stronger than that," Oikawa says. "…Pudding-chan, you're in love with him. And it might feel like you have everything to lose, but you've also got everything to gain. You should tell him."

"I just…" Kenma starts but stops, bites his lip. "…I don't want to make him sad."

Oikawa tilts his head. "What makes you think you'd be making him sad?"

"Because we'd break up," Kenma says quietly, shrugging. "If we did date… we'd break up. Because he's Kuro. And I'm just me. He's extraordinary, and I'm just extra ordinary. And once he realizes that…"

"Pudding-chan, Tetsu-chan thinks the world of you," Oikawa says softly, giving a smile as he tightens his arm around his shoulder. "He really does. It's sort of annoying."

"…Kuro's stupid," Kenma mumbles, buries his face in his arms.

Oikawa gives a laugh. "He is," he says as he turns on the television, drapes an arm over Kenma's shoulders and coaxes him close. "Pudding-chan, remember that night where you were upset because of that work issue? Coworker stole your idea, got a promotion?"

"…I don't see why you're bringing it up."

"Well, Tetsu-chan went out and bought everything to bake you an apple pie, remember? And I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but we tried to find him, but you know Tetsu-chan. He still has to type in Google to go to Google instead of just using the search bar like any tech-savvy millennial."

"…That's not being tech-savvy."

"You get my point. And he rushes through tests if he knows you're having a bad day? And he does stupid things, even for him, if it'll brighten you up. Remember when he and Owl-san gave that very enthusiastic rendition of 'What Makes You Beautiful'?"

"I'd rather not."

"Me neither. But that's the point, Pudding-chan," Oikawa says, turning to him just as Kenma reluctantly looks up to be greeted by his smile. "Tetsu-chan thinks the absolute _world_ of you."

Kenma's eyes drop; Oikawa's persistent, annoyingly so, but he can keep a secret. It's something a lot of people may doubt, but Kenma knows he can trust Oikawa. There aren't many people Kenma will trust; Kuroo is at the top of the list, has his own level, and then it's Oikawa, followed by Iwaizumi. He's lucky he has good friends he can trust, he thinks, especially with something like this.

"…We're friends. He has to do that."

"But—"

"Just don't tell him, okay?" Kenma says, expression beleaguered when he looks up. "If I did want him to know… I want to be the one to tell him. Okay?"

Oikawa blinks once, twice, thrice. But he nods and Kenma can relax because having Oikawa's word is essentially the same thing as an iron lock. He pulls his knees close and rests his chin on them, watches the television for a bit.

"…Your taste in shows suck, Oikawa."

"That's mean to say, Pudding-chan… this plot's actually really intricate!"

"Yeah, because it's _pointless_."

"Well, Pudding-chan, if you aren't suddenly a drama critic!"

* * *

Oikawa's on the way home from Kenma's, having successfully cheered him up when he gets a phone call from Kuroo. He glances at his screen and raises an eyebrow. Purposely letting it almost go to voicemail, he's smiling when he answers. "Tetsu-chan! To what do I owe this joy? Is this a booty call?"

"So Iwaizumi apologized," Kuroo says and Oikawa is slightly indignant at what he said being completely ignored. Huffing, his other hand rests in his pocket and he flashes a smile at a few girls whose gazes linger on him obviously.

"Well, of course! Iwa-chan's a stand up sort of guy."

"Yeah, he is."

There's a silence and Oikawa pouts because sometimes Kuroo's _incredibly_ easy to read. He heaves a dramatic sigh.

"I say that without implying I have feelings for him in any way, shape, or form."

He can hear Kuroo give a soft laugh. There's clinking in the background; Oikawa's eyes narrow until he places Kuroo at a coffee shop. He's gotten used to hearing that atmosphere; more often than not, Kuroo's there if he's calling, either standing in a long line or just having gotten bored of studying.

"I didn't even think about that," Kuroo says, voice slightly teasing, "but now that you—"

"You're wrong, Tetsu-chan."

"I didn't finish my sentence."

"You're wrong anyway."

Oikawa realizes he sounds like he's about five years old. Ducking into an alley to not impede pedestrian traffic, he looks upwards and folds his free arm over his chest after mulling over something. He sucks his cheeks in a bit in contemplation. Clicking his tongue, he finally speaks, having mapped out a very general plan of attack. "Hey, Tetsu-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"Hypothetically, if Pudding-chan felt the same way, would you want him to know?"

Kuroo's quiet and Oikawa immediately frowns because he'd been hoping for a resounding 'yes.' He catches glimpses of conversation while waiting for his own to continue. Someone, it seems, is planning to break up with her boyfriend. And someone else has brought home a cat and is hoping their roommate won't mind. And then someone else forgot to pay their electric bill so they had to study game theory by the light of their phone.

Such interesting conversations to overhear.

Pressing the toe of his shoe against the gravel, Oikawa's marveling the architecture of the building across from him when he hears a tired sigh. He looks up in anticipation of Kuroo's response, though he's already frowning before he even answers.

"…Nah."

"Why not?" Oikawa asks, voice less chipper.

"…Because it's complicated. It's Kenma."

"…Pudding-chan's complicated?" he asks slowly.

"…Because we have everything to lose," Kuroo returns. "If he felt the same way… I mean, you can be mutually in love but not want to be together, right? I might be there. I know how I feel about him, I just—no, no, thanks but—uh, no, you can keep the cookie… hold on."

Oikawa laughs quietly as he hears static from Kuroo's end. "Tetsu-chan, let me guess, someone overheard and tried to offer you a pastry to ease your aching heart?"

"Shut up," Kuroo says and that's how Oikawa knows he was right. "Anyway, the point is I don't want him to know. I'm fine as I am."

"Would you be fine if he felt the same way?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're pretty stupid for a smart person, Tetsu-chan."

"…Oi."

"I mean," Oikawa murmurs, "if Pudding-chan was also in love with you. Then would you want him to know?"

Kuroo's quiet for a bit and Oikawa doesn't push him. He shivers a bit at a particularly cold breeze, nose wrinkling and sniffing.

"…You know what Pareto efficiency is, right? Can't make one person better without making the other worse?"

"I paid attention in basic economics, yes."

"I think we're there right now. Our friendship has been the most important thing to me. And I like where we are right now. If we try to change that… what if I want this more than he does? And he goes along with it because he knows it's what I want? So I'm better off, but he's not. Or vice versa? Because I know I would. I'd do anything to make him happy."

"Well, if we're going to talk about Pareto efficiency, then there's the Pareto frontier."

"And how do you know we're going to find that right balance again?"

Mouth opening, Oikawa ends up closing it because he's not an economist and, unfortunately, Kuroo had gotten higher grades in those classes than he did. Instead, he makes a frustrated sound, closes his eyes and presses his thumbs to them. "Tetsu-chan, this is actually really easy, but you two make it so difficult."

"What?"

Lips still parted, Oikawa chimes a quick 'just feeling sorry for Pudding-chan for having to put up with you!' which successfully irritates Kuroo enough to distract him from his near slip up. Kuroo's listing something that's supposed to exemplify how Oikawa's actually the annoying one when he cuts him off again:

"You _really_ don't want him to know?"

"No," he answers, beginning to sound slightly annoyed. "Oi, what's with this sudden interest? Wait, did you tell him? Oikawa, fuck, if you—"

"I didn't, don't worry."

It's quiet for a bit and Oikawa has to reassure him again before he hears a relieved sigh. "…Good. Because I'm not ready, okay? I know you might think it's stupid, but…"

"It's your choice," he says, smiling tiredly. "Don't worry, Tetsu-chan. I'll respect that."

"…Good. Thanks."

The conversation ends with Oikawa suggesting they get coffee ("to replenish Tetsu-chan's life force") soon. Hanging up, Oikawa stares at his phone until the screen turns black and he catches a glimpse of his reflection. Frowning, he unlocks it again and goes to his messages, scrolls down until he finds Iwaizumi's number.

**To: Iwa-chan**

_iwa-chan, have you ever just had to deal with someone really annoying?_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_look in a mirror dumbass_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_(_ _」゜ロ゜_ _)_ _」_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it frustrating that oikawa isn't telling either kuroo or kenma? yes, yes it is. but is it because i need the kuroken plot to last longer than five chapters?
> 
> yes, yes it is.


	6. guess i need my life to change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you're a good guy, kuro. you just need to stop pissing people off all the time."

"It's been a while."

"Nng… fucking…"

"Nice to see you too."

It takes a few moments for Iwaizumi to remember that he's in a library study room, having fallen asleep on top of his textbook opened to a complex-seeming diagram of the human arm. Sitting up, he winces at the pain in his neck and brings a hand up to massage it. The other hand goes to press to the inside corner of his eye and he's wondering why Kenma's staring at him until he sees a wet spot on his notes. Swearing, the back of his hand rubs against the corner of his mouth and he flushes a bit at having been caught drooling.

"Tired?" Kenma asks casually as he takes a seat diagonally across from Iwaizumi. He takes out and opens his laptop, screen concealing the smirk Iwaizumi caught a glimpse of.

"Shut up. Not everyone's got endless coffee like you do."

Hands reaching over his head as he stretches, he's leaning forward again after a few more seconds. His elbows are pressed to his notes, index fingers to either side of the bridge of his nose. It's Saturday and while studying at home certainly is an option, being surrounded by frantic fellow students provides a motivating environment that's hard to match. Iwaizumi's rented a study room; he'd asked (read: forced) Oikawa to rent it for right after him so that he can get double the time. Oikawa had asked if he could come and Iwaizumi nodded, to which Oikawa had beamed.

" _Only if you let me use you as my practice dummy."_

Iwaizumi had held up a diagram of a skinless model, notes and arrows pointed at all the different tendons and muscles. Oikawa had blinked slowly.

"… _I-I'll study at home…"_

However, Iwaizumi did ask Kuroo if he wanted to join. Kuroo was a good study partner; he would be focused and wouldn't interrupt him every ten minutes to announce he wanted to go to the vending machines. Checking his phone to see if he'd answered, Iwaizumi frowned a bit.

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_you still there?_

**To: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_yeah_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_might join you in a bit_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_just fell asleep cooking ramen_

"Kuroo says he just fell asleep cooking ramen."

Kenma sits up straight so quickly that the table jostles and Iwaizumi laughs quietly. He puts his phone to the side to rifle through his backpack for his pencil case. When he finds it, his phone's lighting up again, catching his attention. He glimpses at Kenma and sees him putting his phone down, going back to his computer.

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_kenmas there? and you told him?_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_thats it im telling oikawa_

Iwaizumi has no idea what Kuroo's talking about until:

**From: Oikawa Tooru**

_IWA-CHAN?_

**From: Oikawa Tooru**

_YOU TAPED OVER MY ALIEN CONSPIRACY DOCUMENTARY?_

**From: Oikawa Tooru**

_ON PURPOSE?_

**To: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_fuck you_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_lol_

His frustration must've been showing on his face because he hears Kenma laughing quietly. Looking up, Iwaizumi's scowl deepens. "Thanks."

Kenma just gives a wry smile that disappears quickly and they both go back to work. The clicking of Kenma's keyboard as he types is somehow soothing for Iwaizumi; he'd always studied best with white noise in the background, something between music and silence. Cafes get too distracting and certain people just never stop talking. But Kenma's a good balance.

Iwaizumi highlights and annotates a few more pages before taking another break. He hadn't slept well last night; Oikawa was up late yelling at some game he'd started, so Iwaizumi dragged himself out of bed to help him. He told himself it was only to get Oikawa to shut up and go to bed and not that he wanted him to sleep happily.

But the level was damn well near impossible, so they both slept at six in the morning, Iwaizumi getting up three hours later to go study.

Fingers lacing, and arms stretched over his head, Iwaizumi leans back in his chair. His locked hands are brought to cradle the back of his head and he sighs, rolls his neck. "Kenma," he says suddenly, "you're not a student."

"Yeah."

"They only let you in if you show an ID."

"Used Kuroo's and just covered the picture with my thumb."

Iwaizumi blinks and laughs; he murmurs 'nice.' He sits upright again to reach for his phone; if Kuroo is planning on coming, he decides, he should tell him of this new development.

**To: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_you don't have your id_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_whoa how'd you know_

**To: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_kenma used it_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_again? tell him to stop doing what the hell_

"Kuroo wants you to stop."

"Yeah, probably," Kenma agrees and Iwaizumi can't help but laugh again. "I just like the ambiance. It helps me concentrate."

"Yeah, and it probably helps him study."

"He'll get in with no problem."

"And how do you know that?"

"He's already flirted with the person checking IDs today."

Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow; a corner of his lips pulls higher and he mumbles 'you've got a point' and nods. As he's reading about ATP production, Iwaizumi realizes that this is the first time he's really hung out with Kenma in a while. Given their schedules, it's obvious they don't see each other every day, the way Iwaizumi sees Oikawa. But they do make the effort to grab a meal or coffee once a week or so, just to catch up and exchange their woes about their roommates.

Actually, Iwaizumi realizes, this is the first time he's been alone in person with Kenma since the Oikawa and Kuroo thing. The last time had been breakfast and that had been before the entire bar fiasco. And the last time he'd spoken to him was on the phone. A lot of things happened, apparently.

He hesitates and glances up, sees Kenma still focused on his computer, black-rimmed glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose. Iwaizumi's the only one out of them who doesn't need glasses; none of them have vision so bad they have to wear them all the time, but he'll occasionally see them pulled out for intense work.

He likes to make fun of Oikawa's, but doesn't so much with Kuroo or Kenma.

"Kenma," he says suddenly, clearing his throat. "…How've you been?"

Golden eyes glance at him over the top of the screen. "Fine."

"…That's good."

"You don't sound like you mean that," Kenma says in his monotonous voice, but the small quirk of his lips gives away his amusement. Iwaizumi frowns.

"Just… is it weird?"

"Is what weird?"

"Kuroo and Oikawa."

Iwaizumi's proud he can finally say that without feeling his insides churn.

Kenma's fingers hover over his keyboard for a moment and if he didn't know him better, Iwaizumi would've thought that he hadn't heard him. But it's a small room and Iwaizumi's voice isn't soft. He _knows_ Kenma's heard.

His eyes drop for a moment and then Kenma shrugs, fixes his glasses. "Not really. Oikawa's already over all the time."

"You don't mind?"

"Kuro can do what he wants. Who he wants."

Iwaizumi about to press the subject when the door to the study room opens and Kuroo walks in, frowns slightly at Kenma.

"Stop doing that."

Kenma waves a hand, eyes never leaving his screen.

Grumbling, Kuroo gives a nod to Iwaizumi and takes the seat next to Kenma at the table. He's brought with him four drinks; Iwaizumi stares as Kuroo gives him one and leaves the other three by himself. Kenma looks over. Kuroo stares at him.

"If you didn't take my ID, I'd offer you one."

"I knew you'd flirt your way in."

"It's not like I _like_ doing that."

"Yeah, but you're good at it. Give me one."

"No. You take my ID, I take your coffee."

Kenma slides the ID across the table.

"Give me one."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

Iwaizumi feels like he's watching a pair of married cats arguing.

Picking up the drink Kuroo gives him, Iwaizumi takes a sip and isn't surprised that it's black coffee. It does make him pull a face when he puts it down; he hadn't prepared him mentally for that. It takes mental preparation to drink black coffee.

Kuroo can chug a mug without batting an eye. Iwaizumi's seen him do it.

He doesn't think Kuroo Tetsurou is actually human.

"Give me one."

"No."

" _Give me one_."

And when Kenma stares at him. Iwaizumi sees the way Kuroo falters; it's slight, the way his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows, but he relents and gives Kenma one of the cups. He gives a victorious smirk as Kuroo pockets his ID, scoffing. "I'm hiding this next time."

"Fine. I'll just make a counterfeit."

Iwaizumi snorts, which earns him a glare and kick under the table from Kuroo. He just shoots him a smirk and picks up his pen, uses his teeth to bite off the cap. "All right, you're here. I actually need to study, so be quiet."

"How's our kitchen?"

"I'm _fine_ , by the way."

"I know. How's our kitchen?"

"Fine."

"Pot?"

"Fine."

"…"

"Scorched. I'll replace it."

Iwaizumi laughs again at the way Kenma pointedly stares at Kuroo until he admits the truth, then deflating a bit. Iwaizumi's gaze lingers on Kuroo; he's sadistically amused by the smile that Kuroo's wearing when he's talking to Kenma.

Because Kuroo actually doesn't smile a lot. Oikawa smiles a lot, fake as it is. He grins all the time, holds up victory signs whenever he wants and finds fitting (all the time.) Kuroo's more like Iwaizumi in that aspect; smiling isn't his natural reflex. Smirking is. Shell smiles, maybe.

Kuroo smirks a lot. Sometimes for a reason. Sometimes for no reason.

But when he smiles, it's always for reason, and the reason's almost always Kenma.

Kenma's gone back to his computer and Kuroo glances up. He catches Iwaizumi's eye and his smirk widens.

Kuroo scowls and reaches for his phone, stares until Iwaizumi looks down, sees the floating ellipses to indicate he's typing.

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_whats up iwaizumi_

**To: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_nothing_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_you like the view?_

**To: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_just wondering what oikawa sees in you_

He sees Kuroo hesitate, but when he looks up and sees the way Iwaizumi's smirking, he relaxes and nods.

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_im pretty charming, actually_

"Stop texting."

"My phone's on silent."

"You tap loudly."

"…Do I?"

"You do."

Kenma gets up, says he needs to use the restroom. Once the door closes, Kuroo and Iwaizumi keep studying for a bit, but the clicking of pens seems magnified somehow. Iwaizumi's a few pages in when he hears a sigh. Kuroo's voice sounds soon thereafter and Iwaizumi can't help but notice that Kuroo's been staring at him for a while.

"You're really okay with this?"

His eyes flit up. "…Us studying?"

"No, with me and Oikawa," Kuroo asks. "We haven't, since the café. But… isn't it weird for you?"

"Oikawa's not interested in me like that," Iwaizumi says with a shrug. "I'm not going to fuck up two of my most important friendships. I'll get over it."

Iwaizumi's looked back down to his notes but he knows Kuroo's still staring. When he looks up, he's met with a kiddish sort of grin. "Our friendship's important to you?"

"Moron."

Kenma comes back and immediately asks why Kuroo looks like that, but they just wave it off, Iwaizumi explaining he watched another cat video. Kenma seems to buy it, though Kuroo has to scramble to find something when he asks to see it. It's a mediocre video, at best, and Kenma comments on how Kuroo's way too easily amused.

Iwaizumi reaches into his backpack for his headphones, untangling them. Kuroo and Kenma have quieted down, but that just means their communication is silent now. Kenma tugs at Kuroo's sleeve, points at the screen. Kuroo looks over and grins, Kenma glances and smiles softly in return. Then Kuroo goes back to his notes; he taps his fingers on the table twice and Kenma looks over. Kuroo points at something and Kenma reads it, picks up a pencil and writes something down on a sticky note.

Iwaizumi blinks.

_They're like a couple._

Going back to his notes, Iwaizumi actually manages to get a decent amount done. Kuroo occasionally shares a funny video he's found ("are you even studying?" and "why are you looking up cat videos") and Kenma mentions an opening of a new arcade. Kuroo looks at him. "You want to go? All right. Just tell me when."

Kenma smiles.

While Iwaizumi knows Kuroo smirks more often than he smiles, Kenma's smiles are even rarer and seem to happen the most often because of Kuroo.

Iwaizumi's finished an entire chapter of notes, has made flashcards and highlighted the most important parts. The coffee's eventually gone and Iwaizumi can feel the caffeine hitting. He's about to ask if the two of them want another one (half of Kenma's seems to be gone and Kuroo's finished both, as the freak he is) when the door flies open and all three of them jump.

They stare, can see the annoyed students glaring at the sudden noise.

"Oikawa-sama is here!" Oikawa announces brightly.

"Fuck."

"Go away."

"No."

"What?"

Oikawa looks upset and Iwaizumi tiredly raises a hand, beckons him in. He immediately brightens again and as soon as the door closes, Iwaizumi glares at him. "That was just so you'd shut up. Don't disrupt others, Shittykawa."

"M-mean, Iwa-chan…!"

Oikawa pouts and shoots Kuroo a dirty look when he laughs. He walks over to take the seat next to Iwaizumi. "Anyway, since Tetsu-chan and Pudding-chan are both here, I decided to come too!"

"We're _studying_."

"I can study!"

"No, you can't. I know for a fact you're done with exams for the next few weeks. You'll just distract us."

"But Iwa-chan!" Oikawa whines, wraps an arm around Iwaizumi out of habit and sidles as close to him as he can. "All my friends are here!"

"Make more."

"I don't want to!"

Iwaizumi's about to open his mouth to retort sharply about Oikawa's terrible personality, but there comes a knock on their door. "Iwaizumi?"

Oikawa blinks.

"Iwa-chan, you have a fourth friend?"

"Shut up, Oikawa. Hey, Semi."

Semi Eita, setter for Shiratorizawa, the school that had always, _always_ gotten on Oikawa's nerves during their volleyball days in high school. Iwaizumi glances at him just in time to catch the way his expression darkens momentarily, and then his grip on his arm is even tighter. Iwaizumi frowns a bit, curve deepening when he hears Oikawa's chipper-than-normal, fake tone. "Semi-chan!"

Semi just stares at him, frowns a little before he looks at Iwaizumi again. "Just wanted to say hi. Didn't realize you went here."

"Same. Surprised we haven't seen each other around. You want to join us?"

Oikawa whines, like the overgrown child he is. "We only have four chairs, Iwa-chan."

"Moron, we can find another one."

"No we can't! The librarians don't like us moving the chairs!"

"Well, they're not supposed to let people in without their IDs, but Kuroo gets around that."

"Wait, why am I in this conversation now?"

"Because you're laughing over cat videos."

"Hey, you laughed too."

"I'm not the one actively seeking them out."

Waving a hand at them, singing 'have your lovers' quarrel later,' Oikawa turns back to Semi with a sweet smile. "Semi-chan, you want to study with us?" he asks and Iwaizumi doesn't like the way he changes his mind. He doesn't like his smile and based on the slightly wary way Semi's looking at him, it's obvious Semi knows Oikawa's doing the thing where he's nice but very obviously not.

"I actually have somewhere to be," Semi says and Oikawa's smile remains bright as ever. "It'll be hard to study with both your hands grabbing Iwaizumi's arm, though."

"Don't worry about me, Semi-chan! I'll find a way!"

Semi gives a slow nod and bids another farewell. The door closes and once he's out of sight, Iwaizumi turns to glare, gently shoves Oikawa away. "The hell was that?"

"Making friends, like Iwa-chan told me to," Oikawa answers airily, taking out a notebook without meeting Iwaizumi's eyes.

"That's not how you make friends, dumbass."

"Then Iwa-chan should show me! Since he has four whole friends and all."

"What's your problem?" he snaps. The thing with Oikawa is that he's rarely directly rude, especially off court. His emotions are more genuine during games; outside of them, he usually has a threshold that he rarely goes over. He can be passive-aggressive and that pisses Iwaizumi off more than anything.

So he hadn't been _rude_ rude to Semi, but he'd been rude. Passively rude. The most annoying kind of rude.

"I have none! It's part of being perfect!" he chimes.

"Oikawa, I swear—"

" _So_ ," Kuroo interjects a bit quickly, managing to stop a possibly explosive arguments, "hybrid orbitals, huh?"

Oikawa looks over at him and tilts his head. "… _That's_ what your test is on?"

Kuroo seems a bit lost for words and Oikawa laughs, though it's tight. "Can't think of a question because Tetsu-chan knows nearly everything there is about them? Lie better, Tetsu-chan!"

"Fuck this, I'm getting more coffee," Iwaizumi grumbles, standing a bit suddenly. Oikawa doesn't bother looking to receive the dirty glare he gets before Iwaizumi leaves after grabbing his wallet. The room is deathly silent until Oikawa starts humming, pulling out a notebook. Kuroo and Kenma just stare as he casually opens it, sets up his work area calmly. He aligns his notebook and folders so the corners match up before opening his laptop, edge parallel to his papers. He takes out a pencil and eraser, sets them down horizontally and then moves his water bottle so it's equal in distance from everything around it.

Kuroo and Kenma just stare.

"Uh," Kuroo starts after a few more seconds, "so you want to tell us what that was about?"

"What what was about, Tetsu-chan?" Oikawa chirps.

"How you were ruder than normal."

"That's not nice to say, Pudding-chan."

"Oikawa, you know, if you're jealous of Iwaizumi and Semi, maybe it's because you have feelings—"

"Semi-chan is the setter from Shiratorizawa," Oikawa cuts Kuroo off, looking up with a smile. The other hesitates before nodding and pulling back. He sees the way Kenma glances up; their gazes meet and Kenma's the first to look away, his typing a bit faster and louder. Kuroo doesn't notice; he's just staring at Oikawa with an unreadable expression.

"That's it?" he asks slowly. "Just high school rivalry?"

Kenma's tapping on Kuroo's wrist.

_Don't._

Kuroo moves his wrist away.

"That's it."

"Nothing more to it?"

"Nothing more to it."

Kuroo looks dubious but nods when Kenma's escalated to pulling at his sleeve. His gaze lingers on Oikawa for a bit longer but Kenma's already lost interest, has gone back to his code. Iwaizumi returns about twenty minutes later with four drinks; Kenma and Kuroo each receive one immediately, but Oikawa doesn't so much as blink when the one that's presumably his is kept at Iwaizumi's side.

An hour later, when it's definitely cold, Iwaizumi silently places it next to Oikawa. Kuroo glances up in time to watch Oikawa take a sip without batting an eye.

"Oikawa?"

"Yes, Tetsu-chan?"

"You want to explain nuclear fission to me?"

"I could, but why? The only reason I can think of a biochemist needing to review that is if somebody swallowed something like uranium. Did somebody swallow uranium?"

"I don't know, but you'd be the neutron and Iwaizumi would be the nucleus, right? I learn best with examples."

Kuroo feels a kick to his foot and knows to check his phone.

**From: kenma**

_if you're going to piss them off, do so in thirty minutes_

Kuroo writes down 'why?' on the corner of his notebook, slides it over.

Kenma sighs and takes the pencil from his hand, scribbles his response:

_Because I'm leaving in ten and want to get a head start before you singlehandedly start World War III._

* * *

" _You guys want to get dinner?"_

" _I'm going to keep studying."_

Iwaizumi's response is so cold that even Kenma frowns a bit. Kuroo nods and says that he'll text him if they find a good place. Iwaizumi bids two of them a stiff goodbye and entirely ignores Oikawa. Oikawa, in return, does the same. Kuroo's not sure he's ever seen Oikawa pass up an opportunity to annoy Iwaizumi, but he packs up his things and leaves without dropping anything or "accidentally" kicking Iwaizumi's chair.

He smiles and Kuroo swears the room gets colder.

Kenma had stayed at Kuroo's bequest; he explained that if things between Oikawa and Iwaizumi got worse, he'd need him because Kuroo could only calm down one of them and the other might explode in the meantime. He threw in a piece of apple pie and "you stole my ID" before Kenma begrudgingly agreed, pulled out his laptop charger to prepare for a long afternoon.

They'd surprisingly studied nearly all day. When Oikawa and Iwaizumi's reservations ran out, Kuroo renewed it. After that, they decided to stay there until someone would come in to kick them out, but nobody did. Kuroo still isn't sure if it's because nobody needed it or because they took one look at Iwaizumi's pissed off expression and decided it best to not risk angering him further.

The sun had long since set by the time the three are outside. The library is full of students; leaving provides an almost surreal experience as they walk past zombies of students, sleeping or desperately tapping away at computers with drained cups of coffee next to them. They're out of the building and near the edge of campus when Oikawa speaks, so suddenly and so loudly that Kuroo puts a hand on Kenma's shoulder to ensure he doesn't actually jump out of his skin.

"So! Where should we eat?"

His voice is bright and chipper but it's still strained. It's been tense; it's not too rare for Iwaizumi to be some level of mad, but it is rare for Oikawa to be the same way. It's hard to detect for most people, but Kuroo knows him well enough. His smiles last a little too long and his voice sounds tight. The pleasant expressions are robotic; they come and go a little too quickly, lack the natural progression from one to the next.

"Uh… anywhere you want. Ramen?" Kuroo suggests and when he sees Oikawa nod, he looks over at Kenma for confirmation before heading in the direction. "Oikawa, you okay?"

"Fine!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yup!"

"You don't want to talk?"

"Nope!"

"Can you manage a sentence of more than one syllable!"

"I can!"

"…Damn."

Oikawa's smiling, but it's the same one as three hours ago. It's somewhat concerning; he has many expressions, but really only one smile for when he's angry. _Can't do much about it._

They arrive for a late dinner and are seated quickly. Kuroo and Kenma take one side of the booth, their bags taking the space next to Oikawa's. He beams at the waitress, who seems a bit flustered and giggles before hurrying off to put in their drink orders. Kuroo raises an eyebrow at him. "Glad to see you can still flirt at least."

"Tetsu-chan, don't mistake pleasantry for flirting," Oikawa murmurs. "Ah! I've been here before!"

"Yeah. You like it, right?"

"I do!"

"So does Iwaizumi."

Kenma moves a bit further closer to the wall and shoots Kuroo an annoyed look. But he doesn't seem to notice; he pushes his glasses a bit further up the bridge of his nose and watches Oikawa's expression carefully. Oikawa's taken his glasses off for the night (he hates wearing them longer than necessary) and looks at Kuroo over the top of his menu. "Tetsu-chan," he says a little too pleasantly, "what are you doing?"

"Making sure you're not the next Pompeii," Kuroo sighs, rubbing his temples tiredly. "I also figure you're not going to make a scene in a restaurant."

Oikawa blinks. He offers a smile, chirps 'you're right!' and proceeds to not talk for the entire meal.

With no one talking, the meal is quick, just a bowl of ramen for each. Oikawa finishes first but he still waits for Kuroo and Kenma; he's started playing on his phone, hums in response whenever Kuroo tries to ask him something. Kenma just sighs throughout the entire meal and mouths _stay out of it_ whenever he catches Kuroo's eye.

But, of course, Kuroo doesn't.

Their apartments are in the same direction, so the three of them begin heading that way. Kuroo's quiet until about halfway, when they're off campus and into the apartments area. Oikawa had been a few steps ahead of him the entire time and Kuroo's eyes were trained on his back. When he begins talking, Kenma lowly murmurs 'don't, Kuroo' but it's entirely ignored.

"So, Oikawa, you want to tell us why you've been acting like such a bitch all day?" he asks a little too loudly.

Oikawa doesn't even bother turning around.

"That's not nice to say, Tetsu-chan."

"I'm not trying to be nice."

"Is that what a good friend does?"

"A good friend makes sure you don't internalize everything and let it eat you up," Kuroo says, taking longer strides to catch up with him.

Oikawa laughs dryly. "Tetsu-chan, " he drawls, voice low and smooth, "Iwa-chan and I fight all the time. This is nothing."

"This isn't just a _fight_ ," Kuroo snaps. He successfully grabs Oikawa's shoulder and they stop walking; Kenma just groans into his hands and hangs back. "A _fight_ is you whining and Iwaizumi yelling. A _fight_ between you two is resolved soon and you're the one person I know who can actually compartmentalize stuff like this. You don't let crap with other people affect your other friendships. You've been making Kenma nervous."

Oikawa stares at him, lips smiling but eyes remaining dull. "Please move your hand, Tetsu-chan. Also, isn't your behavior also making Pudding-chan feel that way?"

"You've been weird ever since Semi. I get he's Shiratorizawa's setter, but that's something from eight years ago, Oikawa. Let it go. If Iwaizumi's friends with him, you have to be fine with it. You don't get to decide who he befriends."

"Let me go, Tetsu-chan."

"Or, what, you're jealous?" Kuroo sneers and Kenma sighs, runs a hand through his hair. Kenma's asked him multiple times if he's stupid or brave, something that Kuroo just grins at. But this is beyond pissing someone off for fun; Kuroo's not the type of person to get worked up very easily, but he's loyal and he cares about his friends. If anything can get him worked up, it's his friends getting hurt, whether because of someone else or themselves.

Unfortunately, Oikawa can be pretty self-destructive, annoyingly in denial, and, to top it off, one of Kuroo's closest friends.

"You don't want Iwaizumi to have another friend? You're that petty? Or maybe you just hate the idea of him possibly getting along with Semi. Because, you know, Iwaizumi's not allowed to be friends with another setter. Because maybe you just don't want to admit you're in love—"

Kenma begins to take a step forward, but Kuroo's sharp 'don't' stops him. Oikawa has an arm pressed to Kuroo's chest, pinning him to the wall of the nearest building. He's got a fistful of his shirt and their faces are dangerously close; Kuroo's just smirking at him, taunts 'what, did I hit a nerve?' and, for a moment, thinks Oikawa might actually hit him.

Kuroo's rarely seen him that angry; for his bubbly personality, Oikawa Tooru can truly be terrifying when angry. There are a tense few seconds before Oikawa pulls back, lets Kuroo go roughly. "I'm going home," he says lowly. Kuroo begins following him but Kenma steps forward and grabs his wrist.

It's his turn to instruct 'don't' and Kuroo listens, just like the way Kenma did. His gaze lingers on Oikawa's disappearing back and then he just sighs, runs a hand through his hair. "Sorry, I know you don't like it when I get physical."

"You shouldn't have pushed him that far," Kenma said quietly, looking up and frowning at the way Kuroo's jaw is still clenched. "If he's in love with Iwaizumi, it's something he has to figure out on his own. You can't make someone realize it."

"Yeah, I know, but—"

"Kuro, do you really think Oikawa's in love with him or do you just want him to be?"

"It's not that, he was being annoying as hell today, so—"

"Kuro."

Kuroo stops talking and he just sighs again, bringing a hand up to his face. "You always figure it out, huh?" is mumbled along with a dry laugh and he shrugs. "…I don't know. I don't. I think he actually is in love with him and I just hate when people lie to themselves."

Kenma's quiet for several moments. The nighttime air is sweet and he looks up to see the bright moon and stars, begins counting before he looks away to face Kuroo instead. His jaw is still tense; that has Kenma frowning, and he steps forward to tug at his sleeve gently. When Kuroo looks at him, his expression is more relaxed, albeit fatigued. Kenma offers a smile.

"…You're a good guy, Kuro. You just need to stop pissing people off all the time."

He laughs quietly, nods as they begin walking.

"…Yeah, guess you're right about that."

* * *

Oikawa's awake when Iwaizumi comes home at two in the morning, but the light to his room is off and he's quiet. He waits until he can hear the shower begin running before slipping out of his bed. He's got a bundle of handmade notecards that earned him top rank on a test that's covering exactly what Iwaizumi's studying and he slips it into Iwaizumi's backpack, hurries back to bed before the shower stops.

He wakes the next day to a piece of milk bread and a note on the kitchen counter. Oikawa gives a small smile and picks up the note, curve of his lips exaggerating.

_Shittykawa,_

_Eat this so you're less salty._

His phone rings after his first bite and he laughs again, knows everything's okay.

**From: Iwa-chan**

_thanks for the flashcards_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_don't lose them, okay?_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_wouldn't dream of it_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have this bad habit of forgetting i have ongoing fics hahah so then i make up for it by neglecting my academics to update. in this case, all i had to do was copy paste and google 'tongue tied's lyrics for a chapter title and ~voila~
> 
> thank you for reading! comments/kudos appreciated ♥


	7. just not the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> to: princess-chan
> 
> nah
> 
> to: princess-schan
> 
> think i'm okay where i am right now

**To: Iwa-chan**

_iwa-chan! still on campus? let's walk home together!_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_yeah, i'm at the café_

Oikawa's not _jealous_ because of course Iwaizumi can have other friends. Like Kuroo and Kenma. They are two of Iwaizumi's friends. Iwaizumi has other friends.

Iwaizumi can have plenty of friends.

Oikawa just doesn't like when Iwaizumi's friends put their hands on his shoulders or when Iwaizumi doesn't brush it off.

Going to find Iwaizumi so they can walk home together, Oikawa's mildly surprised to see him chatting with someone, teeth coming down a bit more harshly on his straw than he had intended. A few days have passed since he last spoke with Kenma; Oikawa quickly backs off of trying to push him into confessing to Kuroo because while sometimes repeatedly bugging someone works, it certainly doesn't with Kenma. They switch topics and the topic of Kuroo is soon buried under conversation about best RPGs and Kenma helping Oikawa with the one he's playing right now.

Oikawa can be a good friend sometimes.

(Among all his instances of not exactly being a shining example of one.)

Their schedules are still busy with classes, but Oikawa's glad he and Iwaizumi have now officially more or less gone back to normal. Oikawa isn't someone whom people expect to be sensitive, but he does try for Iwaizumi, despite how it appears. And Iwaizumi knows; Iwaizumi that Oikawa's trying, in his own way, and that's all that really matters.

So he doesn't bring Kuroo over more than necessary, not even just to hang out. Oikawa's slightly amused but mostly flabbergasted when Kuroo nonchalantly mentions they now have Iwaizumi's blessing to keep screwing, the topic coming up in the middle of a study session at the library.

_"…Are you serious, Tetsu-chan? He said that?"_

_"Well, he didn't actually say the words 'blessing' or 'screwing.' But that's the general gist."_

_"…Are you sure?"_

_"I understand Japanese, yes."_

But aside from that, it's back to staying up past midnight and arguing in the kitchen over who's going to cook (Iwaizumi) and wrestling over who gets the comfy throw pillow (Oikawa.) They're even walking home together again and it leaves him content, lifts his spirits in a way only Iwaizumi can. Even though he had also been avoiding Iwaizumi, being without him left Oikawa feeling incomplete.

He grew up with Iwaizumi by his side, after all.

So things are back to normal, and Oikawa should be used to seeing Iwaizumi with other people. After all, it's not like Iwaizumi only has three friends. He definitely has at least _four_.

He has Oikawa, Kenma, and Kuroo. And then he's got Kindaichi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa. And then he also has his study partners and classmates. So, actually, he's got at least _six_ definite friends and a few unnamed ones.

So Iwaizumi has other friends. Oikawa's okay with that. He supposes he needs those friends.

But why does Iwaizumi need a hand on his shoulder? He _doesn't_. And if he does, Oikawa's got a hand. Oikawa's got _two_ hands, actually. So he doesn't see why Iwaizumi needs someone else's hand on his shoulder, especially when it's Semi Eita's hand.

Oikawa's drink is empty and all he's sucking up is air when he realizes how ridiculous he's being. Scoffing, he throws the cup out and saunters over with a bright grin. "Iwa-chan! Semi-chan!"

Semi pulls his hand back, _thank god_ , and Oikawa drapes his arm around Iwaizumi's shoulders instead. "Sorry to keep you waiting, Iwa-chan! Hi Semi-chan! Funny to run into you again after the library!"

Semi gives a nod and Oikawa can't help the way his nose turns up a bit when he looks at Iwaizumi. "Next week then?"

Iwaizumi offers a smile and Oikawa feels like someone punched him in the gut because Iwaizumi's only supposed to smile like that at _him_. "Yeah, I'll text you."

Staring at Semi's retreating back, Oikawa waits until he's out of ear shot to broach the subject. Stretching and pulling his arm back, his hands fold behind his head as he nonchalantly comments, "Next week? What, Iwa-chan's got a date?"

Iwaizumi frowns and looks over and Oikawa wonders how he's never noticed the way shadows fall perfectly over his face. Has Iwaizumi's hair gotten a bit longer? Must be time for a haircut, Oikawa thinks, though he doesn't object to the length it's at now. "It's not a date; we're just catching up."

"Well, they have _phones_ for that, but _fine,_ " Oikawa sighs dramatically. "If Iwa-chan wants to go _all the way_ to…"

"The place I always go for lunch on campus."

"… _All the way there_ ," Oikawa emphasizes again, "then _fine_."

Iwaizumi gives him a strange look but doesn't say anything else until they're almost home. They don't say much, but it's not out of the ordinary. Sometimes best friends talk for three hours straight, sometimes they say absolutely nothing. Oikawa slips out of his shoes and he has one foot in his room when he hears Iwaizumi:

"Hey. If it was a date, you'd be fine with it, right?"

Oikawa feels his entire body freeze. His grip on the doorframe tightens and, grateful how it blocks his face, he takes a moment to regain his composure. Leaning back, he smiles brightly at Iwaizumi.

"Of course! I have no reason to mind!"

And then he closes the door behind him, hops into the shower after and lets the warm water wash over him. But as he's massaging the shampoo into his hair, he can't stop thinking about Iwaizumi going on a date with Semi. Iwaizumi sharing food with Semi, Iwaizumi sharing a drink with Semi, Iwaizumi laughing with Semi, Iwaizumi _kissing_ —

Oikawa abruptly stops, eyes opening just in time for shampoo to sting them.

He doesn't care. He doesn't, not at all. Iwaizumi can go out with whoever he wants and as long as that person is good enough, Oikawa won't mind. Because Iwaizumi deserves only the best, so it's Oikawa's job, as the best friend, to administer those tests. Semi already fails them. Because Semi's short. He's not even a hundred eighty centimeters. Semi's _short_.

He's _short._

Swearing quietly as he washes his eyes out, still wincing when he's out of the shower. Oikawa's made it a habit to sleep in his own bed ever since the confession, to keep things from getting awkward, but after he's dressed, he heads across the apartment and slips into Iwaizumi's bed without thinking twice about it, head burrowed against Iwaizumi's hip. Iwaizumi seems a bit surprised but doesn't kick him out, just mumbles something under his breath. When he turns the lights off and lies down, Oikawa instinctively curls up against him. He drapes an arm over Iwaizumi's waist and Oikawa's forehead is to his back, the space between his shoulder blades, focuses on Iwaizumi's steady breathing.

They sleep like this all the time; Oikawa used to be afraid of thunderstorms, so he'd always sleep with Iwaizumi. And then it was whenever they were sleeping over or whenever they wanted; at some point, they'd crossed essentially every physical boundary and it had never felt strange. Oikawa doesn't like sleeping alone. He never did and his favorite person to share a bed with has always been, will always be Iwaizumi.

"…Iwa-chan?" he mumbles finally.

"What?" Iwaizumi grumbles.

"…It's not a date, right?"

"It's not. Stop worrying. I'll still be around for all of your stupid whining."

Oikawa gives a small smile.

"…Okay."

* * *

"So that's it?"

"Yeah. If you have any problems, just come get me."

"Huh. That's not too bad…"

Kuroo clicks something and his entire screen goes black. Kenma can't help but laugh softly as he takes Kuroo's computer from him, mumbles 'nice going.' He presses a few keys and the screen is back to normal, Kuroo sounding a sigh of relief and thanking him with a grateful smile. "Never mind."

Kenma gives a small smile and nods. "Just come in if you have questions. I'm not doing much today."

Kuroo gives a nod before he disappears into his room. Kenma lingers in the kitchen for a bit to find a few crackers; he's holding one between his teeth when his phone goes off and he sets down the package to answer it, blinking to see it's Hinata.

Kuroo's trying to figure out some program. He's taken up coding as a hobby, which Kenma finds both amusing and commendable, and is somewhat pleased that this isn't one of those things Kuroo picks up immediately. Kuroo's one of those people to whom things seem to come naturally; it's refreshing that he can't even read in a dataset right most of the time.

**From: Hinata Shoyo**

_kenma! r u home?_

**To: Hinata Shoyo**

_yeah_

**From: Hinata Shoyo**

_ur apartmnt # is 328?_

**To: Hinata Shoyo**

_yeah_

And then there's a knock at the door.

Kenma realizes he must've been staring for a bit too long because the knocking comes again, this time louder and more fervently. Kenma casts a glance in Kuroo's direction; his door's open enough for him to see Kuroo's back, headphones on as he's hunched over his laptop. Eating the cracker already in his mouth, Kenma opens the door just as he swallows blinks at Hinata. "Shoyo."

"H-hi Kenma! How are you?!" Hinata chirps and if he were a bird, Kenma thinks he'd see his feathers ruffling.

"…Fine," he says slowly, regarding him warily. "What's wrong?"

Hinata blinks a few times before his cheeks turn a few shades darker, scratching his wildly bright hair awkwardly as he clears his throat. He's come back into the Tokyo area for some reason or another; probably practice, Kenma thinks, or even tryouts. He's been coming here a lot, Kenma realizes suddenly, and he frowns a little.

The frown sends Hinata into a frenzy so Kenma has to reassure him he's not mad or anything.

"Y-you were the only one I could think to ask, um… c-can I come in?!"

He nods and directs Hinata to his room, explains that Kuroo's home too. Hinata bristles a little bit and Kenma just sighs, explains to him that Kuroo's really _not_ scary, he's just kind of stupid sometimes if anything. Hinata doesn't seem to believe him, but that's fine. Kenma's been trying to convince him for years that Kuroo's harmless, but then Kuroo goes and does something to freak Hinata out all over again.

Leaving the door slightly ajar, Kenma takes a seat on his bed, legs crossing while Hinata sits on his desk chair. He watches him fidget for a bit; Hinata's more or less stayed the same since they met in high school. His hair is still bright and wild, but he's a bit taller now (though still pretty short for a professional volleyball player.) That's never stopped him though; despite being taller and a bit more built, he's still got an innocent baby face.

"S-sorry to just drop by! And um, this is actually sort of really weird and you can totally say n-no! I just didn't know where else to go and… well, you're in Tokyo s-so…!"

Kenma waits patiently.

"…C-can you give me pointers on how to kiss?!"

Kenma keeps waiting because he's fairly sure this is a joke.

"I-i-i-it's not a joke!"

"…Oh."

Kenma's eyes widen a bit. He's certainly never thought of himself as some sort of expert and has no idea why Hinata's decided to ask him. He's kissed people but is fairly sure he's not anything spectacular, more likely than not average. Kenma's about to suggest Hinata go across the living room and ask Kuroo, when Hinata's babbling again, stumbling over his words and waving his hands.

"I-I-I know it's weird, b-but, well… y-you're the only one who it's not super weird to ask! It's still weird, I mean, but… I don't know, you're not as scary as like K-Kuroo-san! A-anyway, K-Kageyama and I have this date in a few days, s-so I just w-wanted to be pr-prepared in case… in case… in c-c-c-case-! I-I-I don't want him to s-say… or th-think-!"

"I understand," Kenma says, mainly so Hinata can stop talking and remember to breathe. He's certain that Kageyama's not some kind of kissing expert; someone could probably slobber over him and he's not sure if Kageyama would register that as an extremely bad kiss. Kenma stares at Hinata for a bit longer; he wonders if he should tell him that he has nothing to worry about, but Hinata looks so desperate that Kenma can't bring himself to. Bringing a hand up to run through his hair, he finally sighs.

It's not as if he's dating anyone and he's really got nothing to lose.

Nodding, he murmurs 'all right' and motions for Hinata to come closer. Eyes lighting up, he moves from the chair onto the bed with him. Kenma can't help but give a slight smile at his innocence; he begins leaning in and immediately Hinata's eyes are closed.

"…Shoyo."

"…Yeah?"

"…Maybe not that soon. You want to make sure you know where you're aiming for."

"…Oh. Good call."

So Hinata opens his eyes except they're really wide.

"Not like that. It's kind of scary."

"Oh…"

Kenma gives a slight smile, murmurs 'act natural.' He rests a hand on Hinata's chin and slowly leans in until their lips are brushing.

Kenma doesn't know _how_ to kiss. He knows how to _kiss_ ; he's probably about average about it. But he finds himself thinking about Kuroo while he's kissing Hinata, ends up leaning in a bit more. He feels the back of his neck begin heating up; the kiss is slow and gentle, almost ticklish in sensation. He's so lost in the idea of kissing Kuroo that he doesn't hear his slightly ajar door opening wider, his 'hey, Kenma' because he's probably got a question about reading in a different dataset now.

The door opens and Kenma hates himself for forgetting to close it. He pulls back immediately and turns to look at him, feels his breath hitch at Kuroo's expression. He can't place it; Kuroo doesn't look angry or anything, he's just surprised. _Really_ surprised.

It's not as if they're dating, but Kenma still feels this unimaginable guilt.

"Ku—"

"Sorry," Kuroo says quickly, flashes a smile and takes a step back. "It's not important. I'll figure it out myself."

Frowning, Kenma murmurs 'hold on' to Hinata and stands. But he's barely out of his room when Kuroo's already out of the apartment, grabbing just his phone and keys. Kenma just stands there as he hears the door being slammed shut, feels his stomach falling to the floor as Kuroo's footsteps gradually disappear.

* * *

"Sorry about grabbing you the other night, by the way."

"It's fine. I got my revenge by shoving Tetsu-chan against the wall."

Oikawa smiles and Kuroo smirks tiredly. He'd received a text from him asking if Iwaizumi was home, and Oikawa had wondered if Kuroo would explain without him prompting. But then there came a knocking at his door and now here they were, an hour later.

Still no explanation.

"I saw Kenma kissing Chibi-chan," he says finally.

Now with explanation.

Oikawa props himself up on his elbows, lying on his stomach, and turns to stare at him. "Oh? That's interesting… I thought Chibi-chan and Tobio-chan were going to be a thing."

"Apparently not," Kuroo mumbles and Oikawa frowns to see the way his friend bring his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. It's rare for Kuroo to be so visibly upset; it's hard to actually get under Kuroo's skin, but seeing Kenma kissing someone else is certainly more than enough to do so.

Kuroo had come over, immediately grabbing Oikawa and kissing him once the door was opened. His ' _is iwaizumi home?_ ' text made a bit more, though not complete, sense and Oikawa discarded any questions he had and kissed back, not entirely certain what was going on, but also not going to argue it because thinking about Iwaizumi and Semi still left a bad taste in his mouth.

They hadn't spoken since their fight, and Oikawa had been slightly surprised to receive Kuroo's text. Curiosity won out over lingering annoyance, and when Kuroo didn't say anything, just kissed him, Oikawa swallowed all his questions. The remnants of their irritation at each other showed in the way bodies were slammed against walls and furniture; Oikawa was sure there had been more welts than normal because the only thing better than sex to distract is _angry_ sex to distract.

And the distraction certainly works. It's the first time all day that Oikawa's preoccupied enough that he doesn't think about anything except Kuroo, busied with sheer pleasure and dull aches. But now they're lying in bed together and as the hazy afterglow begins to fade, they're confronted with reality again.

Oikawa doesn't like reality.

There are fresh bruises that Oikawa doesn't mind, but interprets them as Kuroo being in need of more distraction than usual. Oikawa's been waiting for an explanation; they're lying in bed, neither willing to move more than necessary. Usually they're talking about something by this point, if not already sleeping, but there's a tenseness he can't quite explain.

Obviously it has to do with Kenma. Their entire hooking up arrangement is anchored around Iwaizumi and Kenma. Oikawa's been making up little scenarios in his head as to what could've happened, but Kuroo's explanation surpasses all of them. The idea of Kenma and Hinata is interesting; Oikawa could see them working out, but only in short term. Because, call it bias, the only person Oikawa can see with Kenma is Kuroo.

Kuroo moves his hand and Oikawa frowns to see his eyes are glassy. He reaches a hand out to touch against his arm and Kuroo laughs, but it's a broken chuckle that makes Oikawa's frown deepen, heart feel cold. "Shit, sorry… pretty sure it's rude to just start crying after sex…"

"Don't worry, Tetsu-chan. I know it's not because of me," Oikawa teases quietly and is relieved when Kuroo manages to smile, despite it being short-lived. Kuroo brings both hands up, heels of his palms pressing to his eyes, and he keeps trying to laugh it off. But the sound breaks Oikawa's heart; he opts instead to rest his head on Kuroo's chest, sigh and drape an arm over his waist so he doesn't have to watch the tears escaping the corners of his eyes. "Tetsu-chan…"

"It's lame, isn't it?" he manages, voice uneven. "I mean… we never dated. I never even told him. But I see him kissing someone else, and I just… I didn't know anything could be worse than being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way, but this is infinitely worse. It actually feels like I'm dying. Like someone might as well stab me and twist the knife because then at least I can _die_. This sucks. This really fucking sucks."

Biting his lip, Oikawa frowns. He knows that if somebody told the person he was in love with of his feelings, he'd be angry. But he can't lie there and listen to one of his closest friends like this while knowing what he does. It breaks his heart; Oikawa's the type of person who's hard to get close to, but once he trusts and cares for someone, it's with everything he's got. Kuroo's one of those people. Pushing himself up, Oikawa's mouth opens, but Kuroo talks first, eyes still red and glassy. "I should just move on, right? It's always been hopeless. Yeah, I'm done."

Oikawa's eyes open and breath hitches as he closes his mouth after a moment. "…You're sure?"

"Yeah," Kuroo says quietly and looks at him. "I'm done. Kenma's never going to feel the same way, so… I'm just going to move on."

Oikawa swallows. "…You're sure?" he asks again.

Kuroo nods and wipes at his eyes roughly. "Yeah. I mean, I should've a long time ago. I can't spend the rest of my life pining over him."

Oikawa doesn't say anything. _He's in love with you too_ is still on the tip of his tongue, but hearing Kuroo stalls him. Thinking about Kenma with Hinata, though, is what convinces Oikawa to swallow his words instead. He knows Kenma's in love with Kuroo; he knows that much for sure. But he doesn't know why he was with Hinata and decides it's better to not say anything than to try and fix it, give Kuroo false hope. Because seeing him like this already killed Oikawa on the inside; he couldn't imagine anything worse.

Giving a small smile, he nods and lies back down with his head on Kuroo's chest.

"…All right," he says. "Then you're moving on. How're you going to do that?"

"…No idea."

"Is it possible?"

"…No idea."

Kuroo falls silent and closes his eyes. He brings an arm up to rest over his eyes; his chest still feels like it's burning and he's given up on stopping the stinging of his eyes. Oikawa's head on his chest is soothing; it's comforting to know he's not watching, but also to know he's there for him.

Kuroo is Kenma's first kiss. They're thirteen and, as teenagers, they start noticing things like that. They're on Kuroo's couch after school, watching a drama his mom likes. The two main characters are tangled in each other's arms when Kenma mumbles, _"looks weird."_ Kuroo grins and faces him. _"Yeah, but aren't you curious?"_

 _"...A little,"_ Kenma admits.

_"You want to try?"_

And that's how they share their first kiss with each other, a three second press of their lips. They probably do it wrong, anyway. Their noses bump because they don't know to tilt their heads and they just stay like that. Kuroo pulls back and blinks. _"...Nothing special."_

Kenma nods and they go back to their normal thirteen year old lives.

The next time they kiss is when they're nineteen, when Kuroo realizes he loves Kenma so much it's a little hard to breathe. When Kenma asks him how to kiss someone so they melt, Kuroo's heart shatters but he offers to give him an example. Kenma accepts and Kuroo kisses him like it's their last kiss, which he thinks it probably is.

He holds Kenma close to him, wraps an arm around his waist. The other hand tangles in his hair, combs it back as his palm is pressed to his jaw. He knows to angle his head now; Kuroo's kissed his fair share of people, so now he knows what he's doing. He captures Kenma's bottom lip between his own, holds him as close as he can before he presses him to a wall. He's trying to teach Kenma how to steal someone's breath away, but is losing his own in the process; his thumb brushes over Kenma's cheekbone, feels Kenma's hands grasping at his shirt. Their lips seem to desperately cling onto the last contact before Kuroo pulls back; he stays where he is for a moment, hot breath skimming over swollen lips, and it takes everything he has to pull back and smirk like he's not breathless and dying on the inside.

_"That give you a good enough idea?"_

_"Yeah."_

Kuroo's the worst best friend because when Kenma and his girlfriend break up a year later, he's relieved. He's human trash, he thinks, and as much as his heart aches while holding Kenma in his arms, a part of him is relieved and he hates himself for it.

Despite his feelings, Kuroo does actually date somebody eventually. It's part of his _time to try and move on_ thing and he happens to meet someone who makes him happy, someone who, when he's with them, actually commands his full attention. So he's beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, he can move on when they break up three years later. It leaves him absolutely shattered and the first person he goes to is the one he's been trying to escape from, but Kenma's his home and always has been.

Kuroo realizes once the initial post breakup depression passes that the girl he had been so in love with was so similar to Kenma in so many ways, and all the traits he fell in love were what she shared with him.

It makes him groan so loudly that he wakes his then roommate, Bokuto, up.

He's never seen Kenma actually kissing anyone else, he realizes. Kenma's walked in on him a few times and so after that, Kuroo starts to be more aware of what he's doing and when. It's likely because Kenma's so private; whenever he does see Kenma out on a date, the most that ever happens is handholding.

That, in itself, is enough to kill him. So Kuroo doesn't want to know how he'd react to seeing Kenma kissing someone.

And then it happens today.

"It's pointless," he repeats with a sigh. "I can't… keep being like this."

"The last time you tried to get over Pudding-chan, you dated someone for three years and had your heart broken," Oikawa points out bluntly.

Kuroo turns and stares at him.

"Want to know something?"

"Hm?"

"...That still hurt less than this."

* * *

Kuroo's asleep when Oikawa reaches for his phone. He's not allowed to tell either of them how the other feels, he knows, but he can't let something that could be everything slip away like this. He scrolls through his messages until he finds Kenma's name, is frowning a little.

**To: Pudding-chan**

_pudding-chan! tetsu-chan saw you kissing chibi-chan! it's mean to not tell your best friend if you've got a crush!_

The answer comes soon and his frown relaxes into a smile.

**From: Pudding-chan**

_i don't. shoyo just wanted help for a date._

**From: Pudding-chan**

_is he upset?_

Yes he is, but Oikawa can't say that outright. His thumbs hover over his keyboard; Kenma's answers are so quick that he can only imagine that he's just staring, waiting for his answer.

**To: Pudding-chan**

_he's a little bummed about not knowing. you should explain!_

**From: Pudding-chan**

_he cares?_

**To: Pudding-chan**

_of course!_

Oikawa's crowned himself as Cupid. He likes to boast that he's been the reason for many dates or hook ups; he's very good at setting people up because he knows who would get along with who.

He could very easily set up Kuroo and Kenma, he thinks. He already knows they feel the same way. He knows they've felt the same way for a long time and he thinks that what they could have is something incredible. But Oikawa also knows that their feelings were confirmed to him in confidence. So while he just wants to tell the other so they can get together, he realizes it's not his place; this is something that they're going to have to figure out themselves.

It's just that they're so dense it makes Oikawa want to cry.

As he looks over to Kuroo, eyes slightly swollen still but less so, Oikawa can't help but frown as he thinks about Iwaizumi. Is this how he feels?, he wonders. Because Oikawa still can't shake the feeling of seeing Iwaizumi with someone else; he imagines it's like that, except ten thousand times worse when it's a kiss.

The door opens and Oikawa's eyes widen; he doesn't have an explanation, but he grabs the covers and pulls them over Kuroo's head. Looking over, he sees that it's Iwaizumi and Oikawa gives as easy a smile as he can; Kuroo's awake, he can tell because of his slight movements, but is staying still.

Not that it matters because Kuroo can stay as still as he wants. He's still going to look like a human lump.

"Oh," Iwaizumi says and clears his throat, looks away. "Sorry, just… uh. Was going to ask about dinner."

"Together?" Oikawa asks and his smile is wide and bright. "Yeah, of-"

"Semi's coming over, if that's okay."

Oikawa doesn't know why but his throat dries up. He gives a nod, a little too quickly and too bright, smiling. "No, yeah, that's fine! Tetsu-chan's going to stay too."

He realizes his efforts to hide Kuroo are for naught if he implies he's there.

"Yeah, that's fine," Iwaizumi says and Oikawa's wondering if he's overanaylzing that pause. "Takeout?"

"That sounds good!"

The door closes and Kuroo looks amused when he pulls the covers down. Oikawa's sitting up, a strange look on his face as he focuses on the wall across from him.

"You know what I'm going to ask, right?"

"I'm _not_ in love with him, Tetsu-chan. Don't be ridiculous."

"So that just now…?"

"I'm just glad Iwa-chan's making friends."

"Are you really?"

Kuroo gets a pillow shoved to his face for that.

* * *

Dinner is just about the most excruciating two hours Oikawa's ever dealt with. And then, to make it worse, Iwaizumi suggests watching a _movie_. And stupid Semi agrees. _Stupid Semi agrees._

Oikawa is livid.

And to make it worse?

Kuroo leaves.

_Kuroo leaves._

Oikawa and Iwaizumi's backs are to him because they turn to bid him farewell, so Oikawa takes the time to send him a very pissed off, desperate, pleading look that Kuroo just smirks at. _"Yeah, I've got to get back. Thanks for the food, Iwaizumi. See you around Semi, Oikawa."_

And the bastard's smirk _widens_ , so next time he's over, Oikawa decides he's going to pull that damn hair _so hard_ that—

"Oikawa, move your head. You're blocking the view."

"I am the view, Iwa-chan."

Oikawa grins and avoids a pillow being thrown at his head as he goes to the kitchen to pour himself more water. They're actually watching one of his favorite movies, but Oikawa can't exactly pay attention when Semi's knee is exactly two and a half inches away from Iwaizumi's knee. Who needs to sit that close anyway? Doesn't he know Iwaizumi likes his space?

He's opening the refrigerator when Semi appears and Oikawa stares for a moment before smiling. He glances behind him to see Iwaizumi still on the couch and steps aside to let him through. "Semi-chan," he says, "I never did actually ask. What brings you to Tokyo?"

"Work," he answers.

"Oh? And what do you do?"

"Engineering."

A perfectly respectable profession, Oikawa hates to admit.

His smile doesn't falter and they continue a polite chit chat until Semi goes back to the movie first. Oikawa's lingering in the kitchen; he's put on a pot of water for tea, has it ready as his excuse if Iwaizumi inquires why he's not watching with them. While he waits, Oikawa sends Kuroo a few angry texts about bailing on him, but he doesn't answer; it annoys him, so Oikawa decides to just start brainstorming things to do to piss Kuroo off.

"Stupid Tetsu-chan…"

"Something wrong with you and Kuroo? Seemed fine at dinner."

Oikawa jolts when he hears Iwaizumi's voice. Turning, he manages to fall into a smile as he shakes his head. "Nope! Tetsu-chan and I are fine! You and Semi-chan get along well!" he says instead, changing the topic.

Iwaizumi looks at him with such a searching gaze that Oikawa's finding it hard to keep his smile as is. Iwaizumi's the one who can see through his fake expressions, so Oikawa really has to search for a happy memory, borrow that feeling for his expression.

It's kind of hard when Semi and his stupid head are right there in his view.

Not that he cares.

"…Look, Oikawa. I know this is hard for you."

Oikawa's smile falls and he blinks in surprise. _He knows? Iwa-chan—_

"But it's not Semi's fault he went to the same school as Ushijima, okay? Just give him a chance."

Oikawa's mouth is still open but he closes. He has to stare at him for a few seconds before remembering that's why he doesn't like Semi. _Of course_. Because he's from Shiratorizawa. Because he reminds him of Ushijima. _That's why_. That's why Oikawa is so bothered by Semi, of course. Semi's hand and knee and head aren't the problem; it's Semi and Shiratorizawa and Ushijima.

_Of course._

Oikawa smiles. "Just for Iwa-chan, I'll try!"

Iwaizumi frowns a bit at him and Oikawa starts bustling around the kitchen, even taking down two mugs without asking Iwaizumi if he wants tea. He starts babbling about something, voice loud enough that Semi knows they're talking but not loud enough so he can hear and want to join in. Oikawa doesn't want to talk to Semi. Oikawa wants to talk to Iwaizumi.

And Iwaizumi plays along for a bit; he even has some tea and Oikawa genuinely feels his mood lift when he even gets a laugh out of Iwaizumi.

Because who hasn't gotten a laugh out of Iwaizumi.

_Semi._

That's right.

"I should get back," Iwaizumi says and Oikawa blinks but nods. Turning, Iwaizumi falters and looks over his shoulder. "…Oikawa. If you really can't…" Iwaizumi pauses and shrugs. "I'll stop bringing him over."

Him means Semi; it's like their conversation from ten seconds ago has entirely been forgotten about and it's back to Semi.

Oikawa hesitates.

"…Really? You'd do that for me?"

Iwaizumi looks at him a bit skeptically, obviously tired. "Of course. You're my best friend. If you don't like someone, I won't bring them over."

Oikawa's speechless as he stares at Iwaizumi, just stupidly gapes at him. Iwaizumi seems to get unnerved by it and throws a grape from his plate at him. Oikawa's reflexes have him catching it and he pops it into his mouth, grinning at him again. "That's nice of Iwa-chan!"

Iwaizumi gives a smirk and he's about to go back when Oikawa stops him, reaching a hand to gently tug at the hem of his shirt. "…Hey, Iwa-chan, does hanging out with him make you happy?" he asks quietly.

Iwaizumi looks over his shoulder. "Well, yeah. I like hanging out with him. He's nice."

Oikawa's silent. He doesn't like the twisting feeling in his gut when he sees Semi, how the twisting feeling turns into a stabbing one if it's Semi _with_ Iwaizumi. But Iwaizumi's answer has him deciding that it just _feels_ like he's getting stabbed and he's not actually being killed. Giving a sigh, he nods and smiles again. "Then I'm okay with Semi-chan! As long as Iwa-chan's happy, I am too!"

Iwaizumi hesitates before giving a slow nod, murmuring 'you're weirder than usual today' and starts to turn. But he stops and looks at Oikawa again. "…I won't bring him over again though. I know you can't stand him, for whatever reason."

Oikawa blinks. "…Eh?"

"This is your favorite movie," Iwaizumi says, gives a lopsided smile. "This is the movie you pulled an all nighter to watch because you were hell bent on fixing the VCR. You don't miss this one for anything. But you're here, instead of on the couch. Don't worry, Oikawa. You won't have to see him again."

And as Iwaizumi walks off, Oikawa's left with an uncomfortable fluttering of his heart, flipping of his stomach. He pulls out his phone and sends a text. Watching the message send, he pockets it and spends the rest of the movie watching from the kitchen.

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_what does it mean when i'd rather pour boiling hot water on myself than sit within ten feet of semi-chan_

* * *

Oikawa had spent the entire dinner being extra fake, flirty, and pleasant, so Kuroo is thoroughly amused.

As far as he's concerned, Semi Eita is a decent human being. He reminds him of Iwaizumi, actually; they get along well, and that's exactly what's pissing Oikawa off. Oikawa throws these very sly digs that go unnoticed by people who don't know him well, so while Semi is just confused at best, Iwaizumi's glaring and Kuroo's snickering silently.

Kuroo's fairly sure that, at least from Iwaizumi's perspective, they're just friends. Kuroo knows what flirting looks like, and the way Iwaizumi's acting around Semi is _not_ flirting, not even accidental flirting. Though, Kuroo thinks, Iwaizumi actually doesn't really flirt. He doesn't flirt with Oikawa (which is understandable, since Oikawa can be infuriating) and has never seemed to purposely do so with anyone else, to Kuroo's knowledge. But Kuroo can still differentiate accidentally flirting, intentional flirting, and no flirting due to no interest and Iwaizumi is definitely the last.

And yet, Oikawa's acting like Iwaizumi and Semi are going to get married the very next day.

It's fun to watch, but, unfortunately, Kuroo has to excuse himself to go home because he's got an early class the next day that prevents him sleeping over. He checks the time before he enters; it's late and Kenma's probably sleeping, he expects, so he tries to be as quiet as he can. Unlocking the door, he turns the handle slowly, opens it at the same pace. He tries to avoid the one floorboard that's squeakier than the rest, though that's hard to do when it's pitch dark and he thinks he just stepped on a shoe.

"Kuro."

Kuroo's surprised to hear Kenma. He'd actually purposely lingered at Iwaizumi and Oikawa's to avoid having to see Kenma, but he's not annoyed at his plan being foiled. He's just worried because he sees Kenma hunched over the kitchen table, rubbing his eyes as he sits up and winces. Frowning, Kuroo walks over and leaves his share of the leftovers on the table. "Did you need something? Could've just texted. You didn't have to wait up—"

"Shoyo just needed practice because he's going on a date with Kageyama," Kenma blurts out, staring at Kuroo afterwards. Kuroo's just staring back, mouth still open from his sentence. He says 'oh' after a moment, reaches up and scratches the back of his head. He looks away, hopes that Kenma doesn't catch the smile he can't help from showing.

He's so relieved.

"…Oh. Okay."

"I just wanted you to know. To not misunderstand," Kenma says quietly.

Kuroo gives a slow nod. Kenma's looking down so he doesn't see Kuroo's relieved smile. "I see. Thanks… for clarifying. Is that it?"

Kenma's eyes flit up and he's met with Kuroo's smile and can't help but return the expression. "…Yeah. You just looked sort of upset when you left, so…"

Reaching a hand out, Kuroo ruffles his hair. "Aah, that was nothing. Glad everything's cleared up now. Go to bed, okay? Thanks for going through the effort of staying up to tell me."

He receives a nod before heading off to his bedroom. Kuroo's grabbed his pajamas and has gone into the bathroom when he takes his phone out.

**To: princess-chan**

_good news_

**To: princess-chan**

_chibi-chan just need practice. nothing between him and Kenma_

**From: princess-chan**

_aww tetsu-chan that's great!_

**From: princess-chan**

_still going to try and move on?_

Kuroo hesitates; from this angle, he can still see into the living room. He sees Kenma shuffling around to clean up a bit in the living room before he goes to bed and ends up smiling just watching him.

**To: princess-chan**

_nah_

**To: princess-schan**

_think i'm okay where i am right now_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my beta (loveandallthat) is great because i sent the google doc and then a few hours later i was like 'oh right so i want to update within two or three hours' and she finishes in an hour bless her soul i am undeserving
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments are appreciated ♥


	8. what could i say?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> from: princess-chan  
> what does it mean when i'd rather pour boiling hot water on myself than sit within ten feet of semi-chan
> 
>  
> 
> to: princess-chan  
> it means you're in love with the guy semi's with

Kuroo only remembers the next morning that Oikawa had actually sent a message before he sent his own. He hadn't meant to ignore it; he was tired and didn't so much as glance at his notifications or the additional message before composing his news. Oikawa also hadn't brought it up; he would usually throw a fit if Kuroo accidentally (or not so accidentally) ignored him, which he found a bit surprising.

It must've been serious.

Sitting up in bed, he grabs his phone and scrolls up a bit.

**From: princess-chan**

_what does it mean when i'd rather pour boiling hot water on myself than sit within ten feet of semi-chan_

It takes Kuroo a good fifteen seconds to fully comprehend the message. Five seconds to wake up in general, ten seconds to specifically read those words. Another three to text back, one of them used to form his smirk.

**To: princess-chan**

_it means you're in love with the guy semi's with_

And then after a moment:

**To: princess-chan**

_wait you didn't actually pour the water on yourself right_

**To: princess-chan**

_right_

Staring at his phone for about thirty seconds and not even seeing the bubble of ellipses to indicate his typing, Kuroo decides that he's probably still asleep. He sighs and gets up; it's already a quarter past eight and while Kuroo _could_ sleep in, he decides not to. He has work he's been meaning to catch up on and still needs to finish setting up that program he'd gotten interrupted in the middle of.

Kuroo, against all odds, is a pretty good and diligent student. It surprises many people. Kuroo knows this. Kuroo likes surprising people.

After washing up, he comes out of his bathroom and catches sight of his phone just as it's lighting up with texts. He's running a hand through his unkempt hair as he picks it up, dark eyes skimming the screen.

**From: princess-chan**

_are you awake?_

He smirks.

**To: princess-chan**

_no. i sleep texted you. that's how much i love you._

**From: princess-chan**

_did you brush your teeth_

**To: princess-chan**

_?_

**To: princess-chan**

_uh thanks for caring about my dental hygiene. yeah i did_

Tossing his phone onto his bed, Kuroo heads into the kitchen to decide what to have for breakfast. He's peering into the refrigerator when his apartment door slams open. Kuroo flinches and lowers the uncapped carton of milk from his lips, ready to come up with an excuse to avoid being scolded by Kenma about the lazy habit, but turns to see that it's just Oikawa.

He's relieved until he realizes it's Oikawa, who doesn't live here.

Kuroo stares.

"…Oikawa? You know you don't live here, right?"

Oikawa strides over without saying anything, an intensity in his eyes that both piques Kuroo's curiosity and turns him on. He just barely manages to set down the milk as Oikawa grabs him by his shirt, shoving him into a wall before stealing a searing kiss. Eyes close instinctively and Kuroo's hands rest on Oikawa's hips, holding him close before one begins to traverse upwards, settling on yanking his hair. Oikawa grinds his hips against Kuroo's, mouth moving to his neck just in time for Kuroo to breathe a strangled moan. And then:

"Pudding-chan?"

Kuroo's turned on, but that doesn't mean he won't _kill_ him.

"What the hell?" he hisses, grabbing Oikawa by his shirt. The other just looks over with a taunting smirk, a twinkle in his eyes.

"Pudding-chan!" he calls over his shoulder again. "Are you awake? Want to play?"

"Shut the _fuck_ —"

"Pudding-!"

Kuroo accidentally sent Oikawa flying into the air one time. It really was an accident. The four of them had been spending the night together; there had been a power outage and Iwaizumi and Oikawa didn't feel like going home when it was already 3 a.m. With only two sleeping bags and one air mattress, they'd flipped a coin and Oikawa and Kuroo had lost, so they had to share.

" _He's a human heater."_

" _Then Iwa-chan, you sleep with me!"_

" _A heating leech."_

Kuroo had gotten up to use the bathroom and, not thinking twice it, just collapsed onto the air mattress when he returned.

Luckily it wasn't Kenma. He may actually have hit the ceiling.

But this time it's not an accident and Oikawa doesn't go flying into the air so much as shoved onto his bed. Grabbing him by his shirt, Kuroo snarls at the way Oikawa's sadistically grinning at him, taunting him with that nickname, eyebrows raising suggestively. Kuroo slams his door shut and locks it; it doesn't cross his mind to wonder if the sound will wake Kenma up. If he were in a logical state of mind, he'd stop.

But Oikawa's hand has slipped under his boxers and Kuroo's been awake for a total of twenty minutes, so he's not really thinking very clearly.

Shoving Oikawa onto the bed, Kuroo climbs over him, one knee between Oikawa's as he's kissing him again, pinning Oikawa down with his body. He hears Oikawa laughing 'Pudding-chan' into Kuroo's mouth again and he yanks his hair harshly, grins at the way Oikawa winces before kissing him so that even mouthing the name isn't an option. The shirt he'd pulled on a few minutes ago has been discarded and Kuroo's attention shifts to what Oikawa's wearing, decides he's wearing way too much for a mouthy asshole.

The kiss is hurried. Kuroo moans into Oikawa's mouth as he moves their hips together, feels blood rushing through his veins as his hands run up and down Oikawa's body, nails leaving white marks and pink welts. Oikawa's long since given up with his taunting but when Kenma suddenly pops in his head, Kuroo's breath stills and he pulls back immediately, hair tousled and cheeks red as he stares at him. "…I can't. Sorry, just not—"

"Don't," Oikawa breathes, stops him with both hands on his face so Kuroo's forced to look at him. "Tetsu-chan, don't stop."

"I—"

" _Tetsurou_."

Kuroo doesn't even know what's with Oikawa and first names, but it's fucking magical.

Even with his sultry half lidded eyes and taunting smirk, Oikawa still looks upset. But Kuroo doesn't think to question it; he just swallows thickly when Oikawa reaches a hand between their bodies, presses his palm to a certain area. Leaning down, Kuroo captures his mouth in a kiss again. He grunts when he feels a sharp yank to his hair and Kuroo's back meets a cool spot in his sheets just a moment later as he realizes he's being straddled. Eyes flicker open to see Oikawa on top of him, grinning as his fingers hook around the edge of Kuroo's boxers.

"Tetsu-chan, not that you don't do a fine job yourself, but let me do the work today, okay?"

It's not like Kuroo's going to argue that.

And then it's a blur of passion and moaning, of his bed creaking and swears filling his room. There's something about doing it in the morning, Kuroo thinks; it's lazy and drawn out, lines blurring and everything seeming to swim together. It's maybe about thirty minutes after they're finished, thirty minutes of lying together that Kuroo finally mumbles what he's been worried has been more hopeful thinking than logic:

"…Kenma's not home, is he?"

"No," Oikawa mumbles, sighing and turning onto his side to curl up against Kuroo. "His shoes were gone and his door was slightly open. Pudding-chan always sleeps with his door fully closed."

Kuroo hums, drapes an arm around Oikawa's shoulders to keep him close.

"Surprised you knew that."

"You made me remember so I knew when to be quiet if I came over."

Kuroo laughs quietly, closing his eyes as he starts rambling about something that happened to him yesterday. Oikawa usually joins in with his own chatter, whether to side with Kuroo or inform him that he was being an ass, but today he's quiet. Kuroo doesn't mind too much. Quiet Oikawa is a blessing; he's just curled up against him, cheek pressed to his chest and arm heavy across his waist. But just as Kuroo's getting to the good point of his story, Oikawa sits up abruptly, leaving Kuroo speechless in surprise.

"Tetsu-chan, where are my boxers?" he asks as he swings his legs over the side of the bed.

"Huh?" Kuroo pushes himself up. "You're leaving?"

"Yes," Oikawa says calmly. "My boxers?"

"What's wrong?" he asks instead, frowning slightly as he watches Oikawa. He suddenly remembers the way Oikawa had been smirking, how Oikawa's always annoying but there are usually boundaries even he won't cross until he has a particular motive. Reaching out for his wrist, Kuroo's fingers circle it gently. "Oi, now that I'm not distracted with your tongue down my throat, why were you purposely pissing me off?"

"I'll just go commando," Oikawa sighs theatrically, but his expression doesn't hold any of the amusement it usually does. He's standing when Kuroo reaches over and grabs his wrist firmly, isn't at all put off by the cold way Oikawa looks at him. Kuroo's frown deepens in concern.

"Fine, don't tell me. But don't leave like this."

Oikawa stares at him, eyes narrowed tiredly.

"I don't want a round two.

"I'm not asking for that," Kuroo says. "I'm asking for you to stay as your friend, you moron. I don't know what happened, but something did, and you're not the type of person who should be left alone when like this. So get back in bed."

It's deathly silent as they just stare at each other. Kuroo Tetsurou and Oikawa Tooru are two people who most never want to piss off in their lifetime. When they're as they usually are, they're jovial and easygoing. But when they're angry, it can border on disastrous.

So it's natural that they can handle each other.

"Fine," Oikawa says curtly after a few more moments and Kuroo nods. He lies back down and feels Oikawa do the same, not having to look over to know he's on his side, facing away from him.

Ten comes and goes. Then eleven, then twelve. Kuroo's gotten up and had a bagel and two mugs of coffee by then, is sitting in bed with his shirt and boxers, glasses on the bridge of his nose. He's working on a lab report when he finally hears:

"What if he falls in love with somebody else?"

Kuroo's fingers are hovering over his keyboard and he looks over. Pushing his glasses a bit up the bridge of his nose, Oikawa's defeated body expression is all Kuroo needs to hold back the teases on the tip of his tongue.

"…Two choices. One, you let him go."

Oikawa frowns. "Or?"

"You fight like hell to keep him."

* * *

Oikawa goes home because if Kuroo tries to explain one more time why fish are friends, he's going to buy out the entire fish market, fill Kuroo's apartment, and then ask him if fish are still friends.

He woke up that morning to seeing Semi asleep on the couch, head on Iwaizumi's shoulder.

Oikawa had gone to bed early; it hadn't even occurred to him that Semi might stay over from the movie ending late, but if it had, Oikawa may as well not have slept. It was innocent enough; it seems they really just fell asleep that way because Oikawa didn't see any handholding. But just seeing them together left Oikawa's gut twisting and turning, immediately texting Kuroo as he purposely slammed the door closed behind him.

And the distraction had worked; sex has always been a good distraction, but once they're finished and Kuroo's gone from friend with benefits back to just normal good friend and Oikawa's stuck with having to remember what he's upset about. He's glad Kuroo doesn't press; Kuroo's the type of person who knows when to press and when not to (certainly useful when it comes to someone like Kenma), but it left Oikawa ruminating for hours, dwelling on a subject he didn't want to dwell about.

Oikawa hates Kuroo sometimes.

Semi's gone by the time he gets back, to Oikawa's relief. But as he drops his keys in a porcelain bowl by the door, he hears someone and looks up to see Iwaizumi tidying up. He stares for a moment before letting the door close and waits until Iwaizumi turns off the vacuum before smiling. "Iwa-chan, you don't need to erase all evidence that Semi-chan was here."

Iwaizumi glances up and gives a wry smile that Oikawa returns with a bright one as he's putting the vacuum away. "Oh, you're back. Sorry."

"For what?"

"Whatever made you walk out this morning," Iwaizumi answers and Oikawa freezes with one foot into his bedroom. His brow knits and he gives a nod when he hears Iwaizumi say that he's going out, has errands to run and study groups to meet. He hears the zipper of what he assumes to be Iwaizumi's backpack and shakes his head when asked if he wants him to bring something back for dinner. Oikawa's eyes are focused on a particular spot on his carpet, uneasy feeling knotting his stomach.

"Wait, Iwa-chan," he calls out when he hears the door open. Oikawa turns around to see Iwaizumi looking at him.

"Yeah?"

"…Semi-chan," Oikawa says, clears his throat because just the name is enough to leave a lump in his throat and a sour taste on his tongue, knot in his stomach tightening. "You two… are you just friends?"

Iwaizumi stares at him. His eyes narrow and he turns, folding his arms as he leans a shoulder against the doorframe. "…What if we weren't? Would you have a problem with that?"

Oikawa can feel the hair on the back of his neck start standing, skin prickling with electricity. He clears his throat and shrugs; it's rare he can't handle someone's gaze, but if there's anyone's intensity that can prove too much even for him, it's got to be Iwaizumi. "Of course not," he says as airily as he can manage. "But, Iwa-chan, he's an _engineer_."

"What's wrong with engineers?"

"They're _weird_."

"You realize you're willingly pursuing a higher degree in organic chemistry?" Iwaizumi answers and Oikawa doesn't like the way his stomach flips at his little smile. "Stop being weird. We're just friends. I need to go, so just text me if you need anything."

And then Iwaizumi leaves and Oikawa finds himself rooted to the spot for a bit. He's relieved, he thinks as he heads into the bathroom to take a shower, but at the same time he still feels uneasy. Just because they're friends _now_ doesn't mean they won't _stay_ friends, he thinks. Because on all accounts, Semi Eita is, unfortunately, a decent person, probably a good match for Iwaizumi.

Except the one small flaw that Oikawa really doesn't like him, but he supposes that's not reason enough for Iwaizumi to not pursue anything that might happen between them.

Oikawa feels a little sick now.

He feels only marginally better after his shower. The hot water runs over his body, reminds him of the marks Kuroo's nails have left on his hips and thighs, has Oikawa smiling just the slightest bit. Coming out with his towel around his neck, Oikawa's still drying off his hair when he sees someone who definitely isn't Iwaizumi on the couch. Blinking in surprise, Oikawa tilts his head before beaming.

"Pudding-chan! …This isn't your apartment! You know that, right?"

"I know."

"You don't want to see Tetsu-chan?" Oikawa teases but when Kenma doesn't react, he frowns. "…Oh. You don't want to see Tetsu-chan. Did you two have a fight?"

"No," he says quietly, sighing. "…I just don't want to see him right now."

Oikawa remembers Kuroo telling him about how Kenma will occasionally run away. Nowhere far, he promises, and nowhere dangerous. But he has certain places he goes that nobody knows about, not even Kuroo, and he goes there when he needs to be away from something or someone. He'll always come back, but it's important to give him space.

Oikawa doesn't really feel like leaving his apartment and isn't sure if Kenma planned on anybody being there.

He murmurs 'give me a minute' and disappears into his room, coming back out with a Gameboy and hands it to Kenma with a small smile. "Beat this boss for me, Pudding-chan? I've been stuck for weeks."

Kenma stares for a moment before giving the slightest of smiles and nods, taking the console from him. Oikawa decides to venture a guess to say he's earned the right to stay; he goes to make himself some tea before going back over to the couch and sitting a good cushion's distance from Kenma. His hands cup the warm drink as he watches Kenma for a while. "Pudding-chan?" he finally asks.

"What?"

"I never did ask how you felt about me and Tetsu-chan."

Kenma frowns a little and Oikawa catches the momentary furrow of his brow. "There's nothing to talk about," he answers shortly.

"I know Pudding-chan would rather it not be happening, right?"

"That wouldn't stop you."

Kenma doesn't mean it in the malicious way most people would, so Oikawa can smile. He's just being blunt as he always is. "Mm… maybe not. Tetsu-chan would, though. I know that if you told him you didn't like it, he'd stop."

"Then I'd have to tell him why."

"Shouldn't you?"

"No."

"Why don't you tell him then?"

"Because he's falling in love with someone else," he says and Oikawa doesn't like the way Kenma's voice nearly cracks at the end of the sentence. "Or he already has."

Oikawa hesitates for a moment.

"…How do you know that?"

"The way he looks at his phone. And the way he talks. Just the way he asks. I know how Kuroo acts when he's into someone. Anyway, I don't need to make things more complicated. It's fine, I can just keep ignoring it. It'll probably go away or something, I—"

"Pudding-chan, you've been in love with him for years. That's not the kind of thing that goes away."

"…But I want it to."

"Do you really?"

And his silence is everything.

Oikawa sighs. He decides to drop his subject because the last thing he wants to do is push Kenma to tears, which might happen if he keeps asking. Kenma's not like Kuroo. Oikawa can push Kuroo all he wants and he'll either just smile and be fine or get angry. But it's not that way with Kenma, and Oikawa's actually not that much of a sadist. He doesn't feel anything except guilt if he's the reason his friends cry.

He moves closer to Kenma so that he can watch him play.

"Explain to me what you're doing, Pudding-chan? So I know for next time."

He sees a corner of Kenma's mouth pull into a smile.

"I forget how much you can suck at these."

"Mean…"

* * *

"Oh. Hey, Iwaizumi."

"…You look awful."

Iwaizumi had been on his way back from a trip to the grocery store to satisfy a sudden craving for instant ramen. Bag in hand, he had opted to take a more scenic route him through the park when he caught sight of Kuroo on the bench, his hair a tell tale sign. At first he had thought that Kuroo was taking it easy today, but when he got closer, he realized that Kuroo was either about to throw up or upset about something.

Just to be safe, Iwaizumi is not standing where Kuroo would most likely projectile vomit.

Kuroo smiles tiredly, raises an eyebrow a bit at Iwaizumi's comment. "Went for a run to get my mind off of some things but it looks like it just made it worse," he sighs. "Looks like this is something endorphins can't even fix. Bummer."

Between Oikawa and Iwaizumi, Oikawa is, surprisingly, the person who is more emotionally resilient. Both of them are strong and don't let things get them down too often or too long, but when it comes down to it, Oikawa is the one who can withstand more. That also means that when he crashes, he crashes much, much harder, sometimes so much so that Iwaizumi feels utterly helpless.

That being said, Iwaizumi's always felt that Kuroo and Oikawa are also similar in that trait. He can't ever recall seeing Kuroo like this and it might very well be the first time. Without another word, Iwaizumi sits down next to him, ignores the grumbling of his stomach. "Okay. Tell me what's wrong."

Kuroo laughs dryly. "I don't think you want to hear about this."

"Is it about Oikawa?" Iwaizumi asks and Kuroo seems surprised at how casually he says it., eyes wide and bangs skimming across his forehead a bit as he looks over with his head tilted. "I'm fine with that."

"No, it's not," Kuroo says with a lopsided smile. "But you might get mad at me because it'll link back to Oikawa."

Iwaizumi shakes his head, waves his hand because he, more than anyone, knows how it feels like everything unfortunate links back to Oikawa Tooru. "Did he upset you?" he asks with a frown. "I'll go punch him."

Kuroo smiles again as he shakes his head, but he doesn't say anything else. Iwaizumi waits patiently; he leans back and drapes his arms over the bench as he looks up, is glad that even through the cloud of apparent misery, Kuroo's chosen the bench with shade. He doesn't mind waiting; Oikawa likes to play the game of 'should I keep pressing or will that piss them off?' but Iwaizumi finds that insensitive. So he sits there, enjoys the cool breeze, feels the handle of his plastic bag threaded between his fingers to ensure he's still got his spicy instant ramen.

This is the same method Iwaizumi uses with Oikawa. Sometimes Oikawa needs sense punched into him, so Iwaizumi will. But usually he doesn't; he'll eventually know that Iwaizumi won't give up or stop caring about him. That's the type of relationship they have. That's the type of friend Iwaizumi is.

For all his friends.

"…So I'm in love with Kenma," Kuroo says finally and Iwaizumi guesses he doesn't say that often because of the way he visibly winces. Iwaizumi's surprised but he doesn't show it, just nods. "And…"

"Wait," he says suddenly. "So you're hooking up with Oikawa, the guy I'm in love with, because it's the only way you can deal with Kenma, the guy you're in love with?" Iwaizumi asks slowly.

Kuroo frowns a little. "…I can see why you punched me now, Iwaizumi. I totally deserved it," he mumbles, head bowing as he groans and brings a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Sorry about that."

Iwaizumi blinks; he hadn't meant for it to come out as bluntly and tactlessly as it did and wishes he had phrased it better. "No, don't worry about it. I told you, I'm cool with it," he says, adds 'really' when Kuroo looks over again.

Iwaizumi's all too familiar with the stabbing pain of unrequited feelings, but he's sitting here with the guy who has been the reason for the recent influx of pain. It's not entirely his fault, he thinks. A majority of it is, but at least Kuroo has a reason. It may not be a good reason and it doesn't justify anything but, Iwaizumi reminds himself, Oikawa isn't his and Oikawa doesn't feel the same way. It hurts and it sucks, but it's fine. Iwaizumi's fine.

Totally fine.

Kuroo's in love with Kenma and Kenma's in love with Kuroo, so what seems to be the natural next step is for them to get together, Iwaizumi thinks as he stares up at the sky. But what's stopping them is Kuroo hooking up with Oikawa on Kenma's end and Kenma seeming uninterested and their friendship at stake from Kuroo's end. So as Iwaizumi sits there, he realizes what he _should_ do to get them together and then in the same though, realizes it's not his place or right to do so.

Iwaizumi doesn't go blabbing secrets his friends entrust him with.

That's not who he is.

(Even if his friends are utterly moronic.)

Sighing, Iwaizumi leans forward and claps Kuroo on the back firmly. "Oi. Cheer up. You haven't told Kenma how you feel, you haven't been rejected, you don't get to pity yourself. You only get to do that after you tell him. Besides, it might turn out better than you expected."

Because as much as Iwaizumi loves Oikawa, Kuroo has always been his friend first before "the guy who's sleeping with Oikawa."

Kuroo seems surprised; he looks over in a manner that Iwaizumi finds comparable to a cat, just stares for a bit with his eyes wide. But he gives a breathless chuckle after a moment and is back to bowing his head with the weight of Iwaizumi's arm over his shoulders. "So this is what Oikawa means by you whipping people back in line, huh?"

"He says that?"

"Did I just get him in trouble?"

"He's always in trouble."

That earns a small but genuine laugh from Kuroo, so Iwaizumi is satisfied. He gives a small smile and rubs his back in a manner he hopes is soothing because Oikawa's said that sometimes it just comes off as weird. "Look, I know what it's like to fall for your best friend. And I also know what it's like to confess and be rejected. And let me tell you that you're only allowed to be like this if you tried and got rejected. I'm not even like that. You know why? Because life goes on. It sucks, yeah, but you and Kenma are as close as Oikawa and I are. Your friendship will survive something like that."

"Yeah, but…" Kuroo heaves a sigh and the dip between his shoulders deepens dramatically. "…Kenma and Oikawa are different. Oikawa's… Oikawa. Kenma's…"

Kuroo hesitates.

"…We're close, yeah, but something like that… if he doesn't feel the same way, I don't know what he'd do. Or even if he did, I don't know. He might get scared. He's not exactly big on taking risks and… he matters more to me than anyone. It's not even about staying with him. It's about not upsetting him."

Iwaizumi stares and pats Kuroo's back.

"Yeah, you've got it bad."

"Shut up."

Iwaizumi's smirk disappears the longer he watches Kuroo, can entirely empathize with the way he's feeling. Sighing again, he lets his head fall back and closes his eyes. "…Okay, so it's like this. You can either tell him or you don't."

"Damn, you're smart."

"But," he continues and ignores Kuroo's comment, "you don't wallow in this self pity. Because even if it sucks… it's nice, isn't it? To at least always be with the person you're in love with. To _be_ in love. That feeling is what most people spend their entire lives trying to find. And you've got it."

"…Goddamnit, now I'm really a piece of shit for sleeping with Oikawa," Kuroo groans, covering his face with his hands. "Fuck, Iwaizumi, why do you have to be such a good guy?"

Iwaizumi frowns. "I told you, I'm not mad."

Kuroo shakes his head and Iwaizumi wonders what he's supposed to do when Kuroo's smiling like _that_. He knows what to do when Oikawa's smiling like _that_ ; he just tries to make him laugh, humiliates himself if necessary. Anything to get Oikawa to smile a genuine smile because Iwaizumi hates seeing him sad. But this isn't Oikawa and, for all Iwaizumi knows, maybe Kuroo doesn't believe in cheering up. He's a strange sort of guy.

"This goes against the entire bro code, doesn't it?"

"Oikawa and I are just friends," Iwaizumi says firmly. "I confessed, he turned me down, we move on. And, I mean, if sleeping with him keeps you from being like this—"

"I have been less like this since him," Kuroo mumbles thoughtfully.

"Then go for it. Because you could probably depress a dog at this rate."

Iwaizumi pulls his arm back so that he can offer Kuroo a pack of instant ramen, at which he just stares incredulously before laughing and shaking his head, mumbles 'who willingly eats that crap?' Iwaizumi's mildly offended but he decides to let Kuroo have this one, so he just puts it back and keeps the bag close to his feet.

But just as his precious ramen is back in its bag, he hears Kuroo's voice:

"…I saw Kenma kissing someone."

Everything makes much more sense now. This goes beyond 'I'm in love with my best friend' wallowing.

"…Oh," he says.

Iwaizumi wishes he has some sort of cooked comfort food to offer him right now.

"He said they're just friends," Kuroo continues slowly and Iwaizumi feels like he's seeing himself as Kuroo right now, "but it just got me thinking… what if he falls in love with someone else? Because it's going to happen eventually, right? And I don't… I want him to be happy, but I hate the idea of him with anyone else. I know I just said all that stuff about it not wanting to be with him but… well, that was crap. Of course it is. At least part of it. I want him to be happy but… I don't know if I can see him be happy with someone else."

Iwaizumi has a pretty good idea of what Kuroo's feeling right now and just shakes his head when he hears another apology. "You might think that now, but if it happens, you might be surprised at yourself. Something you think that kills you just leaves you dying but not actually dead," Iwaizumi says.

"…Iwaizumi, that really doesn't help."

"My point is," Iwaizumi continues, "that if you really love him, his being happy will mean more than anything."

"…Is that how you feel?" Kuroo asks quietly, looks at him.

Iwaizumi is quiet for a bit before nodding. "…Yeah. Not even just you. Whenever he comes back from a date and is in a good mood, I'm glad he's happy."

"Even if it kills you on the inside?"

"Yeah. I told you, Oikawa's a pain in the ass."

Kuroo smiles briefly and nods. His eyes fall to the ground again and Iwaizumi's just starting to think he's feeling better when Kuroo holds up his phone, shows him a text.

**From: kenma**

_what do you wear on a date_

"…Oh."

Iwaizumi is out of advice because Oikawa's hooked up, dated, flirted with other people, but he's never put Iwaizumi in the position of helping the love of his life go on a successful date. Because if there's one thing Oikawa Tooru knows how to do, it's take someone on a date, apparently.

"Yeah," Kuroo mumbles.

"…Okay," Iwaizumi says, making a snap decision and standing. "I'm out of wisdom. Let's go to a bar."

Kuroo stares at him. "It's two in the afternoon."

"Yeah, but have you seen yourself?"

"I can't look _that_ bad."

"Look at that text again."

Kuroo hesitates before nodding and pocketing his phone.

"…All right, let's go."

* * *

Oikawa's cutting a slice of apple pie as a thank you for Kenma when his phone goes off.

**From: Iwa-chan**

_uh heads up_

Oikawa is a little confused, but he answers in his normal, charming way.

**To: Iwa-chan**

_yes mine is up iwa-chan thank you for caring_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_no dumbass_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_kuroos drunk_

Oikawa's brow knits.

**To: Iwa-chan**

… _its three in the afternoon_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_what did you do to tetsu-chan iwa-chan_

**From: Iwa-chan**

… _uh_

**From: Iwa-chan**

_yeah_

"I'm in love with him."

The door slams open and Oikawa visibly jolts. Luckily Kenma's not on the couch; they'd moved into the bedroom because he wanted to lie down and be more comfortable. Taking a step back, he peers into the bedroom on the off chance that Kenma hadn't heard. Still holding the console, Kenma looks up and mouths 'Kuro?' and Oikawa can't bring himself to respond. Heart racing, he turns to face the doorway, starts closing the door to his room because as much as he wants Kuroo and Kenma to get together, he doesn't really want Kuroo's confession to be by mistake while drunk. "Tetsu-chan, actually, I'm not alo—"

"I'm in love with him," Kuroo repeats and Oikawa isn't sure if he should be glad this is happening or not. "Like, I can't even function around him. You know? He drives me crazy. I can't think around him. It takes everything I have to not melt around him and it's gross, I know, but I can't help it. That's how I feel. He makes everything better, just… everything could go wrong and as long as he smiles, then it's fine. I'm fine. This is so pathetic. No, you know what? Not fine. _Not fine._ I'm totally not fine, I'm goddamn in love with him and—hey, is that a new plant? Oh, it's not. Anyway…"

When Kuroo pauses his soliloquy to take a sip of his beer, Oikawa takes the opportunity to glance over his shoulder as Kuroo begins sifting through his pantry. He can't see Kenma from the crack in the door, but before he can peer around, Kuroo's talking again. Oikawa's torn between stopping him or egging him on; Oikawa Tooru's been faced with hard decisions before, but this is a new type that he is vastly unprepared for.

"I can't imagine being without him," Kuroo mumbles, frowning and looking away. "…But he doesn't feel the same way, so… what am I supposed to do? I can't tell him," he ends in that little mumble specific to drunk people.

Oikawa can't see Kenma and while he's worried about him, Kuroo currently takes the priority because of his vulnerable and inebriated state. Sighing, he heads over. "Are you sure?" Oikawa asks quietly, eyes softening because as amusing as this is, it's breaking Oikawa's heart to see his friend like this. "Maybe you should, Tetsu-chan. I mean, I've never seen you like this. Day drunk, I mean. You're drunk, right?"

"I'm _not_ ," Kuroo mumbles and sways.

"Did you drink? Alcohol?"

"…Well, _yeah_."

"You're drunk," Oikawa proclaims with a small nod. "And it's because of him. See, Tetsu-chan? You have to tell him."

"…I can't."

"You _know_ why," Kuroo says so tiredly and looks so hopeless when he looks up that Oikawa can't find it in himself to keep pushing him. Sighing in defeat, he moves forward to take Kuroo's wrist and gently tug him over to the couch. He initially intends on just helping him lie down, but when Kuroo just falls over and starts snoring, Oikawa drapes a blanket over him and manages to slip a pillow under his head.

He stares for a bit and snaps a few times in front of his face to make sure Kuroo's really asleep before Oikawa heads back into his room. He opens his closet, because that's where he finds Kenma once, but is surprised to see it empty. He definitely was in there, though; Oikawa can tell by the way his clothes are a bit disheveled. Brow knitting, he rests one hand on his hip and uses the other to push his hair back as he looks around. His room's not _that_ big; if someone's hiding in there, Oikawa should be able to see them pretty quickly. As he's looking around for any strange human shaped lumps, he realizes his window's open and swears quietly.

He pulls out his phone and goes back outside, hip leaning against the couch Kuroo's on.

**To: Pudding-chan**

_pudding-chan heard all that right?_

**From: Pudding-chan**

_yeah. whoever hes in love with really has him messed up_

And it's then that Oikawa realizes Kuroo never once said Kenma's name.

… _Goddamnit, Tetsu-chan._ And to further the message, he glares pointedly at Kuroo.

Sighing, he shakes his head. His thumbs hover over his keyboard for a moment before managing to continue the conversation in the same light, airy tone.

**To: Pudding-chan**

_pudding-chan knows he makes tetsu-chan happiest right? no matter who the person is. pudding-chan's irreplaceable to tetsu-chan_

**From: Pudding-chan**

_he could do a lot better though_

And Oikawa frowns. He steals another glance at Kuroo, can't tell if his lack of snoring is because he's actually still awake or because he normally doesn't snore when sleeping. Oikawa doesn't want to take any chances and grabs his keys, dials Kenma's number once he's in the hallway. He heads up to the roof and props the door open with a pile of old phone books before taking a seat on the ledge, facing the door just in case Kuroo's drunken mindset takes him to the rooftop. "Pudding-chan?" he chirps when Kenma picks up.

"Why are you calling?"

"Because this way Pudding-chan _has_ to answer when I say that no one has a lower opinion of Pudding-chan than himself."

Kenma doesn't answer and Oikawa realizes the slight flaw in his plan, but at least Kenma's not hanging up.

"Why do you think Tetsu-chan can do better?" he asks instead, makes sure to keep his voice at a relatively low level. "You're best friends for a reason."

"Probably out of ease or—"

"You're doubting Tetsu-chan's kindness?"

"No," Kenma mumbles and Oikawa hears rustling, can only think Kenma's already at home and lying on his couch. "I'm not. I know he's a good guy. I just…"

Oikawa waits.

"…I never understood why he chose to be friends with _me_. We played when we were kids because we lived so close together, but he's a year older. He's always been in a different class and popular, so I don't know why he still keepspt hanging out with me when he's made plenty of other friends."

Oikawa wishes he could be there to wrap an arm around Kenma's shoulders because it's rare he talks this much at once to anyone besides Kuroo. His voice is monotonous as always, but the quiet volume tells Oikawa everything he needs to know. Oikawa frowns. He doesn't like feeling helpless like this.

"Pudding-chan, you're not the easiest person to befriend," he says.

There's a lengthy pause.

"…Okay."

"But that doesn't mean you're not worth befriending," Oikawa continues quietly. "Pudding-chan knows the old saying that the best things in life are worth working for right? Like how the best apples are at the top of the tree and you have to climb? And how good things come to those who wait?"

"Why are you rattling off overused metaphors?"

"Because I'm making a _point_ ," Oikawa explains patiently. "Pudding-chan, when I first met you, you didn't talk to me at all. Or look at me, except one time to see what I look like. But you're one of my closest friends now, yeah? Because I know that you're a good friend."

"You can't know that without knowing me."

"But I know Tetsu-chan and I know he has a good judge of character. So it's okay if you don't talk a lot and you keep to yourself. That doesn't mean you're a bad person or a bad friend or undeserving of friendship. You're generous and loyal. And you're honest and funny in a mean sort of way. You're dependable and you're trustworthy."

Kenma hasn't said anything, but Oikawa still hears his breathing on the other end of the line. He smiles slightly and brings an ankle to rest on his knee, head tilting as he still watches the door for any signs of Kuroo. "…And whoever Tetsu-chan is in love with, no matter how happy they make him, nobody makes him happier than his best friend, Kozume Kenma. I promise. And I don't promise things if I don't mean them, do I?"

"Actually—"

"I don't."

"You—"

"I _don't_."

"…"

"Okay, sometimes I do. But not right now."

Kenma falls silent again, but Oikawa hears a quiet sigh. "Pudding-chan, you also know that thing about not being able to see what's on our backs, right? All you see is what great things everyone else has, but you can't see your own. Tetsu-chan, Iwa-chan, and I can see what an amazing person you are, even if you can't. And trust us, okay?"

"…But…"

Oikawa blinks and frowns.

"Pudding-chan, all Tetsu-chan likes me for is chemistry help and, well, _that_. Okay?"

"…"

"Well, that's not all. I mean, I'm beautiful and smart and kind—"

"You can stop, Oikawa."

But he hears a quiet little laugh and that has Oikawa grinning, straightening because he knows Kenma's going to be okay now. "Okay! So now that that's settled, let's get dinner tomorrow! It can be Pudding-chan's treat!"

"Shouldn't you offer if you're asking me?"

"Pudding-chan, I'm a starving college student. You're the one with the job."

He can almost _hear_ Kenma rolling his eyes.

"Fine. Dinner. I'll text you later."

Oikawa gives a satisfied hum and he stands. He's about to say that he has to hang up and make sure Kuroo hasn't rolled off the couch when he hears Kenma call his name quietly.

"Yeah, Pudding-chan?"

"…Thanks."

Oikawa smiles.

"I can see why Iwaizumi puts up with you now."

"…That's a little mean, Pudding-chan…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sometimes i look at all the files i have for this fic and i wonder what i ever did to want to subconsciously sabotage myself and make this a 16 or 17 chapter fic and... just... how did i even drag this out for that long... so as you read and discover, i am also reading and discovering my past self's mistakes.
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated ♥


	9. little more luck than a little bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you know how you feel really frustrated when it comes to how i feel about kenma? and how i won't tell him? that's how i feel about you and iwaizumi."
> 
> "…oh." oikawa nods solemnly as he sits up, hugging one of kuroo's pillows to his chest. "i'm sorry, tetsu-chan. i must be insufferable."
> 
> "damn strai—" kuroo frowns and sits up straight. "wait, what?"

Iwaizumi's an accidental hypocrite.

He doesn't mean to be. That's why it's accidental. But he's a hypocrite and he hates it. Because while he had been running his mouth to Kuroo about how being in love with his best friend, even if unrequited, is a good thing, it's actually the worst thing in the world.

Stepping off of the treadmill, Iwaizumi grabs his towel and presses it to the underside of his jaw, breath still heaving. He heads into the locker room; since it's early in the morning, there are few people there. Iwaizumi usually isn't the type of person to start his workout before the sun even rises (even he's not that dedicated), but he couldn't sleep. He's been replaying his conversation with Kuroo in his head over the past few days and the more he thinks about it, the worse he feels. He almost wants to call Kuroo to tell him that everything he said had been bullshit, but two reasons prevented him from doing so:

One, he doesn't want to be called a hypocrite.

Two, goddamn spiky haired bastard's love isn't unrequited. He's just stupid.

Stepping into a shower stall, Iwaizumi closes the curtain and turns the water on, keeping the water relatively cold. He closes his eyes and stands under it; he welcomes the cold that cascades over his skin. It wakes him up and seems to help with his sluggishness. He's always preferred cold showers in the morning; there have been times where Oikawa's tried to scare him, but he's the one who ends up yelping and swearing upon finding out Iwaizumi's showering with ice.

Being in love with Oikawa has never been easy. Not when Iwaizumi first realizes it and certainly now now. He's annoying, for starters. He's immature and naïve. He's dramatic and overreacts. He's childish and, frankly, _really fucking annoying_ at times.

But none of that is actually a bad thing. Not to Iwaizumi. Because he thinks it's charming in a way. Oikawa's annoying, but Iwaizumi wouldn't have it any other way. He's always liked that he's the one Oikawa comes to when he's upset, whether it's over something tiny or something serious. He likes that even though Oikawa's like _that_ , Oikawa can be serious. Oikawa can be loyal, intense, hardworking, stubborn. Oikawa pushes himself to be better and that makes Iwaizumi want to be better.

Because that's what being in love is about:

Being a better person with them around.

Oikawa's always been difficult, so Iwaizumi's not even surprised that being in love with him feels like being gutted at all times and then telling him where he's not ravaged with pain yet. He's not doing it on purpose; Oikawa's not that cruel, especially not to Iwaizumi. It's just who he is. He can be cruel without intending to and Iwaizumi finds a little bit of solace in that.

Because if Oikawa wanted to be cruel, it would be ten times worse.

So Oikawa likely knows that hooking up with Kuroo hurts Iwaizumi, but they both know there's no _official_ rule that says he shouldn't be doing that. And if Iwaizumi weren't his best friend, there'd be nothing wrong with it.

But Iwaizumi _is_ his best friend, and that complicates everything. Because best friends don't just fall in love. They shouldn't, even though that already creates a solid foundation of a relationship. They shouldn't, because it complicates things. Because friendships and romantic relationships are two separate things that usually clash like oil and water when mixed together.

But when it works, oh god, it's a beautiful thing.

And that's what Iwaizumi wants with Oikawa. That beautiful thing. He wants that relationship with Oikawa because Iwaizumi loves Oikawa more than life, volleyball, science itself. He loves Oikawa so much it's enough to render him unable to breathe or move and Iwaizumi hates himself a little because of it. Because as much as Iwaizumi's been trying to move on and shove his feelings for Oikawa under a rug ever since confessing, he can't. He can pretend to, but those feelings never disappear.

It'll hit him at the most random times and he'll be overcome with how much he's in love with the biggest moron in the world, how Oikawa sucks, how this sucks, how everything sucks, how Oikawa is the reason he doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning but also the reason he does.

Iwaizumi laughs, running his fingers through his wet hair.

"Man… this really sucks."

Stepping out of shower, Iwaizumi has his towel hanging low on his hips as he makes his way back to his locker. The silence of the locker room echoes his sigh back to him and Iwazumi dries off, pulling his clothes on after. He takes a moment to check his phone, other hand straightening the hem of his shirt and he frowns. "Still have time…"

He'd made plans with Semi at a perfectly reasonable eleven o'clock for lunch, but Iwaizumi's early morning workout leaves him more than an hour ahead of schedule. He'd tried to take his time: lengthier breaks between workouts, a long shower, working on stamina more than anything else. But it's barely ten and he doesn't want to go all the way back just to come out again.

He supposes waiting an hour isn't the worst thing in the world. It just means he drinks more coffee.

Slinging his duffel over his shoulder, Iwaizumi gives the receptionist a curt nod on his way out. He's indulging in that very special after workout glow; his endorphins are still running through his blood and he feels like he can do anything. There's a bounce in his step and he feels energized; this is how he'd start off every morning if he could, he thinks. If he didn't have classes or exams, he'd get up early and just work out.

Unfortunately, late nights of studying make getting up early less than desirable.

He'd once even compared the afterglow of a good workout to that of sex and Oikawa told him that, clearly, Iwaizumi hasn't had good sex. To which Iwaizumi replied that Oikawa's workouts are embarrassing.

The place Semi suggests is more of a café than a restaurant, which bodes perfectly well for Iwaizumi. It's a few blocks over and Iwaizumi ignores the entrance to the subway, crosses the street instead. It's not that far of a walk, especially compared to how much he just ran, and Iwaizumi likes the morning air. It's always been light and clean; it makes him feel incredibly productive to be walking around in it.

Oikawa doesn't know he's meeting Semi today and Iwaizumi can't explain the guilt that twists his stomach. He's not obligated to report every single outing to Oikawa; they're just friends. Best friends, actually, but still friends. And even if they weren't, Iwaizumi still shouldn't feel restricted as to who he can and can't see.

It's just that he knows hanging out with Semi upsets Oikawa and despite what Oikawa said, Iwaizumi's never liked being the reason Oikawa's uneasy. They argue all the time and Oikawa pouts a lot, but Oikawa's dramatic that way. Iwaizumi apologizes if he actually upsets Oikawa, the way Oikawa usually also apologizes.

The thing is, Semi's nice. Iwaizumi likes hanging out with Semi. Iwaizumi likes his friends, but sometimes he needs a fresh air of _normalcy_. Kuroo's Kuroo; he's fine and great to be around, but there are moments where Iwaizumi wants to slam his face into a desk because of him, even before the hooking up with Oikawa thing.

And it's not that Kenma's anything like Kuroo. There's a reason Iwaizumi and Kenma get along so well. But Kenma's Kenma; there are some times where he'll get lost in his own world and Iwaizumi respects that. Kenma also reminds him of Kuroo and sometimes just _thinking_ about Kuroo is exhausting.

And then there's Oikawa.

Oikawa can be mentally, physically, emotionally _draining_. He bounces from topic to topic, has mood swings that will one day drive Iwaizumi officially insane. He can be childish. He's _Oikawa_. He's dramatic and can be blunt and tactless while still, somehow, being utterly charming. Iwaizumi finds himself in the position to clean up his messes and sometimes he just gets sick of it.

But he's _Oikawa_.

Iwaizumi loves hanging out with him, even with all his stupid antics. Oikawa's the person who he feels the most comfortable with, the person who Iwaizumi can really see himself spending an eternity with. He's annoying and has so many faults, but Iwaizumi wouldn't change any of them. Spending time with Oikawa makes him happy. It makes Iwaizumi a better person, somehow. Seeing how hard Oikawa works motivates Iwaizumi, seeing him reminds Iwaizumi that even if everything that day's gone wrong, he's lucky enough to have met Oikawa.

However, being with Oikawa also makes Iwaizumi a sap so aside from the gut wrenching, stomach flipping feeling of unrequited love, that's another reason he needs time away.

Semi's new. Semi's fresh. Semi's nice.

When he arrives at the café, Iwaizumi halts at the door after entering. Semi's there already, he sees immediately, and has to check his phone again to make sure he hadn't read it wrong. It's one thing for Iwaizumi to be an hour early. It's another for Semi to be an hour early.

Jolting when the waitress brightly asks if he'd like a table, he says his friend's already there. Iwaizumi makes his way over, nods when Semi looks up and closes his book. "Hey. Sorry for being late to being early," he jokes as he sits.

Semi laughs quietly. "It's fine. I had errands to run."

"Finished them all?"

"None of the places were open."

Iwaizumi laughs.

"That's happened to me too. Sucks."

"Yeah."

Giving an amused smile, Iwaizumi turns to the waitress when she arrives and orders a cappuccino. Semi shakes his head when she asks if he wants anything else and Iwaizumi notes his iced coffee. Eyes fall to his book and he smiles slightly. "How are you liking that?"

Semi picks it up with a slight frown. "Not bad. Slow in the beginning, but it's getting better. Have you read it?"

"Oikawa was really into that series so I read the entire thing in one day."

"To discuss with him?"

"Blackmail him with spoilers."

Semi smirks. "Poor guy. Probably deserved it though."

"Definitely deserved it."

Iwaizumi's cappuccino arrives and he can feel Semi watching him as he takes his first sip. It's slightly unnerving but he doesn't think much about it and licks the foam off his top lip. Picking up his spoon, he starts stirring his cappuccino, metal clinking against china. He lifts the mug to take a sip when he hears Semi's question and it sends his drink straight into his lungs:

"It's none of my concern, but are you in love with Oikawa?"

Semi waits until Iwaizumi's done hacking.

"That's a yes, I suppose."

"How—" Iwaizumi starts before another coughing fit interrupts him and he winces, accepts the glass of water the waitress offers him. He drinks half of it before he finally feels like he's able to talk again, clearing his throat and cheeks red for multiple reasons. "How did you—"

"The way you act around him, even in high school," Semi says with a shrug and a small, lopsided smile. "I kind of just guessed. Does he know?"

"Uh… yeah," Iwaizumi says, scratching the back of his head. "We're just friends though."

"Ah," Semi blinks and pauses. "Sorry."

"No, it's fine." It's not, but that's not other type of thing Iwaizumi just brings up with someone he's not close to. It's not even something he'd bring up with someone he is close to; if anything, he'd talk about it with Oikawa.

But there are very obvious reasons as to why he doesn't in this particular scenario.

"I realize this may sound entirely juvenile," Semi says as he picks up his drink, "but you could always get with someone as revenge."

Iwaizumi frowns and shakes his head. "I'm not that type of person. It's not his fault he doesn't feel the same way."

"All right," Semi shrugs. He leans forward and when his fingers thread for his chin to rest on, Iwaizumi notices for the first time that Semi Eita's got pretty eyes. "Then get with someone to move on."

Iwaizumi's surprised at the suggestion, but the way Semi's looking at him is just as intense as before. He shakes his head with a small laugh and runs his hand through his hair, trying to dismiss the feeling. "Don't know about that."

"You're that hung up on him?" Semi asks.

"…No," Iwaizumi says slowly and the lie is so obvious that Semi smirks. "But I don't know if I could do that. Be with someone while having feelings for someone else. It just doesn't feel right."

"…You're a pretty stand up sort of guy, Iwaizumi," Semi says quietly and Iwaizumi shrugs tiredly. "Oikawa's lucky."

"Pretty sure he thinks the opposite," Iwaizumi mumbles, reaching for his cappuccino again. "He probably thinks it's bad luck. Things at home—"

"You live together?" Semi interrupts. Iwaizumi freezes a bit when he looks up. He's never thought twice about it; after all, he and Oikawa have been living together for so long that it really comes as second nature to him. But judging by the way Semi's looking at him, by the way he sounds, it might be a bit odd to keep living with the person who had turned him down.

Iwaizumi opens his mouth. "…Yeah," he tries to say as casually as he can. "I mean, we have been since forever."

Semi hums. He looks down and Iwaizumi watches the way he traces a finger around the rim of his glass, finds himself staring at his hair. Both Semi and Oikawa have nice hair, he thinks; it's messy but, for the lack of a better word, _fluffy_. Actually, Semi's is fluffy. Oikawa's is, as he says, _tousled by the angel of pillows._

Iwaizumi hits him for that.

"It's not awkward?" Semi asks finally and Iwaizumi lingers a little too long before shaking his head. "It's not my place to say anything, though. As long as it works for you two. You've always been together I'm actually surprised he's not around here…"

"We're not _always_ together," Iwaizumi protests.

"An overwhelming majority of the time."

Iwaizumi can't help but agree with that. Semi smiles and Iwaizumi finds himself doing so as well, sighing. "Oikawa can disappear sometimes. Not sure what he's up to today."

"I'm pretty sure I can summon him," Semi says in his deadpan manner.

That makes Iwaizumi laugh. "You think you can _summon_ Oikawa? How?"

Semi puts his hand on top of Iwaizumi's.

It's warm, an unfamiliar weight. It's really warm and Iwaizumi's suddenly wondering if they're supposed to be linking fingers or not. He doesn't want to, but just having a hand on top of his is a bit strange. Staring, Iwaizumi's about to start laughing again and ask what kind of a cheap magic trick this is supposed to be when something spectacularly awful happens:

Oikawa appears.

"Semi-chan!" Oikawa chirps, smiling brightly. "You look ravishing!" he says as he sits down and Iwaizumi realizes he's been gaping at Oikawa. He shakes his head when Oikawa asks what's wrong and then he's gaping at Semi, who just smirks at him, that smug _see?_ expression that Oikawa probably invented.

Semi turns to Oikawa. "Thanks. What brings you here?"

"Caffeine!" he nearly sings, holding up what Iwaizumi assumes is an iced caramel latte. "Did Semi-chan and Iwa-chan meet up by accident?"

"The only accident is that we both arrived an hour early," Semi says and Iwaizumi can't help a small laugh at the sarcasm and when they make eye contact, Iwaizumi feels cold at the glimpse of hurt on Oikawa's expression.

It's just a laugh, Iwaizumi wants to defend himself, but it disappears even before he looks away. He clears his throat. "Yeah, just overestimated how much time I'd need to work out."

"I see," Oikawa says quietly and Iwaizumi can't help feeling guilty. "Iwa-chan," he says instead, "do you have more plans after this? There's something I need your help with."

"Huh? Oh, no, I'll be home before dinner. Does that work?"

Oikawa smiles and Iwaizumi almost melts right then and there. He nods and bids a cheerful enough goodbye to Semi before standing and leaving. Iwaizumi knows full well that he's watching Oikawa, still staring even long after he's gone. He turns back to Semi and gives a frustrated sigh. "…Don't say it."

"Say what?"

"That I'm stupid and completely screwed."

"All right."

Heel of his hand to his forehead, Iwaizumi stares at his reflection in his water for a few seconds. He shouldn't have to feel guilty, he thinks. If Oikawa doesn't feel guilty about sleeping with Kuroo, then Iwaizumi definitely shouldn't because he's just hanging out with someone.

"Can I say one thing though?" he hears Semi ask.

"Go for it," Iwaizumi sighs, looking up tiredly. But Semi's looking at him again, in that way that unnerves Iwaizumi a little bit. Because he thinks he knows that look. He doesn't want to know it because it's the way he looked at Oikawa even before he realized he was in love with him, but it's definitely that look.

"I think you might be ready to move on," Semi murmurs.

Iwaizumi blinks in surprise. He frowns a bit. "And why's that?"

Semi smiles slightly and Iwaizumi's entire chest seizes because he's seen that smile before too. But it's not from himself; it's from Oikawa. That smile, that either breaks Iwaizumi's heart or lets him know there's a huge storm coming.

"Because," Semi says casually, "you never moved your hand."

* * *

"I wasn't _stalking_ Iwa-chan," Oikawa explains. "I just _followed him_ out of the apartment, waited outside in the bushes during his work out, then _coincidentally_ went to the same café he did."

"…I… I didn't ask…"

Oikawa signs dramatically, is sprawled out on the couch with his phone on speaker resting on the coffee table. He's waiting for Iwaizumi to come home. For all he knows, it could be hours because before dinner ranges from ten minutes after Oikawa's left to ten minutes before dinner, but Oikawa's hoping that it's closer to the first. Oikawa's a hopeful sort of guy.

"Semi-chan's hair is ugly."

"Hey, I think I just found a time portal. We must be in middle school again."

Oikawa reaches over and slams his hand against the desk. It's enough to rattle his phone and undoubtedly give Kuroo a scare; he hears the drawled complaint a moment after, but Oikawa can't find it in himself to really care. He has his other arm draped over his eyes, breathing shallow.

"And then I saw him with Semi-chan. Iwa-chan snuck out to meet with _Semi-chan_. That means they're dating, doesn't it?"

"Not necessarily," Kuroo says and Oikawa frowns at the way his voice sounds.

"…Are you eating? Tetsu-chan, I'm in a _crisis_!"

"And I'm hungry. Sorry."

Sighing, Oikawa rolls onto his side to face his phone. He'd been awake by chance that morning; he had had an unsettling dream and so woken up, had already brushed his teeth and was about to head over into Iwaizumi's room to crawl into his bed. But he opened his door just in time to see Iwaizumi leaving. He'd gotten dressed in record speed after that, slipping out and following him.

It wasn't as if Oikawa did this often. Just when he couldn't sleep and Iwaizumi was leaving when it was still dark out.

If anything, he was looking out for him.

And he found him _holding hands_ with Semi.

He definitely did the right thing following him that morning.

Flinching when he hears the door opening, he mumbles 'call you later' to his phone before hanging up. He sits up expectantly and beams when Iwaizumi comes in. "Welcome home, Iwa-chan!"

"…You look like a dog."

Oikawa doesn't even retort to that. He's too happy that Iwaizumi's already home. It's not even noon; it's not even lunchtime and he said he'd be home before dinner. That means he hadn't had plans to spend the whole day with Semi and if he had, he cancelled them to come home. Still smiling as he rests his chin on folded arms over the back of the couch, he watches Iwaizumi head into the kitchen with a plastic bag. "So what did you need help with?" Iwaizumi asks as he starts putting away bread and Oikawa audibly gasps.

Iwaizumi smirks and brings the milk bread over. "Here."

"Did Iwa-chan do something bad?" Oikawa asks mockingly, cradling the bread in his hands like a child, radiating with happiness.

"What the hell? No!"

"So Iwa-chan's just being nice?"

"I'm not like you, asshole," Iwaizumi says, coming around to sit next to him. "So what'd you need?"

"Oh," Oikawa says, blinking. He'd almost forgotten that he had requested Iwaizumi's help on something; that was definitely something he should've had Kuroo help him brainstorm. _Crap_. "Oh. Uh… I… I had a question for Iwa-chan."

"Okay," he says and turns on the television.

Oikawa racks his brain for any question in the world.

"…Tetsu-chan… passed… an exam…"

Iwaizumi looks over. "…Uh… if this is the first time he's passed an exam, I'd be really worried about the people who let him into college. Both undergrad and grad."

"He was worried about this one," Oikawa remedies, feeling a burst of inspiration. "So… I decided to congratulate him! I'm not sure how though."

"…So you're asking me?"

"Iwa-chan's good at gifts!"

Iwaizumi raises an eyebrow and for a moment, Oikawa thinks he's going to be called out on his lie. But he just sighs and shrugs tiredly, turns back to the television. "For Kuroo, huh… a book? Or a bunch of… what's that thing he likes? Grilled mackerel? Just get a truckload for him."

Oikawa frowns. "But then he'll have fish breath."

"Or you could just, you know."

"Know what?"

Iwaizumi frowns and Oikawa watches him raise the volume, thumb hitting the remote with a bit more force than usual. "…You're seriously going to make me say it?"

Oikawa frowns in confusion. "Iwa-chan, you know, sometimes you're actually not that blunt and even _I_ can't—"

"Sex."

Oikawa stops talking and suddenly he has remembered something very important, something that paints him out to be the most insensitive, gigantic asshole ever:

He's hooking up with Kuroo and is now asking the person who's in love with him how to help him celebrate.

_Celebrate._

That's really basically code word for _sex_.

Oikawa deserves to be punched in the face.

"…I liked that book idea," Oikawa starts and almost winces at the way Iwaizumi grumbles. He looks away. "…Sorry, Iwa-chan."

"Yeah, whatever."

"…Can I ask you something?" Oikawa pulls a pillow into his lap and starts pulling at a loose thread.

Iwaizumi switches the channel and lowers the volume a bit. "Go for it."

"…How do you feel about me and Tetsu-chan anyway?"

Iwaizumi doesn't answer. Not at first, and Oikawa doesn't blame him. It's a strange question to ask and probably also insensitive. Oikawa's good at reading people, but acting tactfully is a different matter altogether. There are some people whom he'll purposely try to unnerve and some people who he'll upset by accident. He's not sure which category Iwaizumi falls into right now; he knows it'll upset him, but that's not his intention.

"I'm fine with it," Iwaizumi mutters.

"…Really?"

Iwaizumi opens his mouth but nothing comes out. "No," Iwaizumi says the second time and Oikawa stills, looking up in surprise. "…It's not fine. It sucks. Sorry, you wanted me to be honest right?"

Iwaizumi shrugs tiredly and Oikawa feels his stomach doing nauseous flips.

"It sucks that you're hooking up with Kuroo. And I know there's no rule that says you can't because we're just friends. And if I were anyone else… if this was some other person, I wouldn't care. But… it's not. It's me. And you can do what you want but this… it hurts. A lot. Because you're my best friend and Kuroo's my good friend. So the two of you… I mean, Oikawa, you've done some really shitty stuff to some people, some of them justified. But this, to me… I just…"

Breaking off with a sigh, Iwaizumi swallows and turns away, back of his neck flushing red as he brings a hand through his hair. "…Damnit, sorry, I know I shouldn't be saying this. I don't have a right to—"

"Of course you do, Iwa-chan."

Oikawa's smiling gently when he looks up again. Oikawa looks away after a moment and focuses on the design of the pillow, tracing his finger over it as he takes a breath and exhales slowly.

"I knew this probably wasn't the best thing, but… I guess I didn't realize how much it hurt Iwa-chan until now. I wasn't thinking about you at all and only about myself. I'll stop. I'm sorry. I know this doesn't make everything okay either. I just… I want to start trying to make things okay again."

Iwaizumi's staring at him incredulously and Oikawa isn't really sure why.

"…You're actually apologizing?"

Oikawa looks a little offended. "Of course!"

"…That's… a nice thing," Iwaizumi says slowly.

"I'm a nice person!"

"…No… you aren't."

Oikawa's huffing but when he sees the way Iwaizumi's laughing, he relaxes, swears he feels his heart swell. Leaning back, he touches his shoulder against Iwaizumi's. When he hears him humming, Oikawa rests his head on his shoulder, hugging the pillow close to him. "…Iwa-chan?"

"Yeah?" he mumbles gruffly.

"…You can date Semi-chan if you want."

Oikawa doesn't look up but he can tell by the shifting that Iwaizumi's looking at him. "…Moron," Iwaizumi mumbles after a pause that Oikawa swears is a bit too long. "We're just friends."

"You were holding hands," Oikawa says quietly. "And if not now then maybe later. Who knows. Semi-chan's not the _worst_ person."

"Because that would be Ushijima, right?"

"Exactly," he says and smiles when he hears Iwaizumi laughing again.

He's about to get up for some water, so Oikawa straightens. But just as both feet are on the ground, about to push himself up, he hears himself saying:

"Because Iwa-chan's going to move on, right?"

And after he says it, he realizes, with horror, how bitchy that may have just come out. But as he's about to apologize, he looks over and sees Iwaizumi looking at him with that lopsided smile, that slightly perplexed, very tired, ultimately amused expression that makes Oikawa's heart drop from his stomach to three floors below.

"Trust me, Shittykawa. You're not that easy to move on from."

* * *

"I lied to Iwa-chan. I don't want him to date Semi-chan. Semi-chan's awful. Semi-chan's an _engineer_."

"Do you actually hate engineers or is it only because Semi's one?"

Today, Iwaizumi has class. Oikawa waves brightly while enjoying his milk bread as he leaves and then when he's trying to go to class himself, he makes a turn and ends up at Kuroo's apartment. Kenma's door is closed and so the first thing Kuroo says is ' _no_ ' like he's talking to a dog, but Oikawa just waves him off and steps in. _"Just here to chill."_

"… _Like, Netflix and chill or—"_

" _No."_

So now Oikawa's in Kuroo's room, sprawled out on his bed and fully clothed. Kuroo's at his desk working on homework and had handled their little breakup quite well. He'd been surprised but smirked, nodding and just resuming his work. Oikawa had stared for a full thirty seconds, finally frowning when he realized there was no additional reaction.

" _That easy? I'm hurt, Tetsu-chan! I thought I was something special to you…!"_

" _Yeah. I mean, it was just sex and I think it was doing more harm than good. Actually, maybe you were the only one who was entirely benefiting from it."_

Oikawa whines quietly and buries his face in a pillow. Laughing, Kuroo finishes his problem before spinning around in his chair, reaching a foot out to nudge Oikawa's for his attention. "…Look, you know what I'm going to say. But the way you're acting, how you feel about Semi—"

"I'm _not_."

Kuroo groans and Oikawa looks up in time to see him staring at his ceiling. He knows he's frustrating; most people don't realize how aware he is of it, but he is. He knows he can be difficult to handle and while Iwaizumi deserves the gold medal, Kuroo comes in with silver. Kenma is probably bronze.

Oikawa's lucky he' has Olympians as friends.

"You know how you feel really frustrated when it comes to how I feel about Kenma? And how I won't tell him?" Kuroo asks at last and Oikawa frowns.

"I am quite familiar with that feeling, yes."

"That's how I feel about you and Iwaizumi."

"…Oh."

Oikawa nods solemnly as he sits up, hugging one of Kuroo's pillows to his chest. "I'm sorry, Tetsu-chan. I must be insufferable," he says monotonously.

"Damn strai—" Kuroo frowns and sits up straight. "Wait, what?"

"But the thing is," Oikawa continues, entirely ignoring Kuroo's glare, "is that I'm _not_ in love with Iwa-chan."

"Right."

"…I'm _not_ ," he says again, though this time slower and quietly. His brows furrow and he knows Kuroo's just sitting there smirking at him. Giving a frustrated growl, Oikawa messes up his hair before lying down again. "Just…! I don't… _Semi_. I…! You know?!"

"No. But, all right, you're not in love with Iwaizumi," Kuroo says and goes over to the bed to sit next to him. "Do you want him to move on from you?"

"… _Yes_."

"Come on, Oikawa."

"…Fine. No," he mumbles and sits up, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The thought of Iwa-chan moving on… I don't want him to not move on because I want his feelings, I just… I want him to be happy. But I don't want somebody else to be his priority. We grew up together. Ever since I can remember, it's been Iwa-chan and me and if there's someone else… even if they make him happy, I…"

Oikawa bites his lip.

"…I can't lose him. But I want him to be happy."

"Then let me ask you this," Kuroo murmurs. "Which is more important: you not losing him or him being happy?"

"…Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"…I don't know," Oikawa mutters. He heaves a sigh and lies back down, staring up at the ceiling next to Kuroo. "Does that make me a bad person?"

"Yeah," Kuroo says without a pause. "But," he continues and turns to face him, "you could be worse. I mean, you gave him your blessing to be with Semi. That was very noble of you, even if it was fake."

Oikawa groans so loudly that Kenma knocks on their door and Kuroo jolts a bit. "Keep it down. You can do it, but I don't need to know," they hear through the muffled door and Oikawa laughs softly.

"You probably feel the same way about that as Iwaizumi did when he gave us his blessing," Kuroo grins, sitting up. Oikawa's pouting as he sits up and Kuroo opens the door just as Kenma's taken a few steps away. He looks over his shoulder wryly. "At least you're both dressed."

"Just so you know," Kuroo says, grinning at him as he crosses his arms and leans against the door, "we're not. Not anymore."

Kenma hesitates, the crease in his brow gone. "…Really?" he asks slowly.

"Really. Hey, are those leftovers still there? I'm starving…"

Kuroo slips out of his room to head into the kitchen and once he's completely immersed in the contents of his refrigerator, Kenma turns to Oikawa. "…Really?" he asks again, voice quiet.

Oikawa smiles and nods. "Really."

Kenma seems to give a sigh of relief as he smiles.

"…Thanks."

* * *

**To: Semi Eita**

_free for lunch?_

**From: Semi Eita**

_yeah. just pick a time and place_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i sort of panicked because i thought i went a super long time without updating this fic. but, as it turns out, i confused this with another fic. the other fic i haven't updated in two months. this fic i updated just last week. BUT TOO LATE, I'VE FINISHED THE CHAPTER SO HERE IT IS.
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated ♥


	10. the words won't fit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "oikawa, do you realize that everyone in the entire world wants to punch you in the face right now?”

"I have to ask, just to get it out of the way."

"All right," Iwaizumi murmurs.

"So… what is this?"

Iwaizumi falters. He's in the middle of lifting his glass of water to his lips when Semi poses his question. They've met for lunch, just as his text had asked, and Iwaizumi finds himself feeling a bit awkward already. It hadn't been like this the few other times; it's probably because of the romantic implications now, he thinks. Because they had been just friends getting lunch, but now this is a _date_.

Iwaizumi doesn't know what he's doing.

This doesn't feel right. Not when he knows who he wants to be with, not when he knows this is probably leading Semi on. He shouldn't be on this date.

"You're not leading me on, by the way. I know perfectly well you're in love with Oikawa and see me as a friend."

It still feels like he's leading him on.

"…Then why?" Iwaizumi asks and looks up with a small frown. "I mean… doesn't this sort of… suck for you?"

"Yeah," Semi answers and Iwaizumi's a little amused at his blunt honesty. He leans back in his chair and takes a sip of his Coke. "But at least I know what I'm getting into. I like spending time with you, Iwaizumi. And even if this doesn't turn into anything more, at least there's this. Guess I'm willing to take the risk of being hurt."

Iwaizumi's quiet for a bit; he fingers the chopsticks he's lain across his plate for a few seconds. Semi's a nice guy and what he just said reaffirms that, thus successfully, and unintentionally, making Iwaizumi feel a bit worse. But, at the same time, it's not as though Iwaizumi's entirely _un_ attracted to him. He does like him. He wouldn't ask someone out on a date if he had absolutely zero interest, but it still feels like he's being morally grey and Iwaizumi doesn't like being morally grey.

Sighing, he looks up again. "…I know I asked you out, but—"

"It's not a _date_ date."

"Oh, I was going to say it was."

And for the first time since they sat down, Semi looks genuinely surprised.

He's got pretty eyes, Iwaizumi notes again. And his hair isn't bad; actually, he realizes, Semi in general isn't bad looking. He makes Iwaizumi laugh and he likes spending time with him. He's not Oikawa but, Iwaizumi realizes, he needs to start moving on from him and clearly not dating hasn't worked in his favor. So it's time to start dating and already there's someone who's interested in Iwaizumi and whom Iwaizumi might also be interested in. It's perfect.

It's just that he's not Oikawa.

"If you want it to be," Iwaizumi adds after a beat.

He feels happy right now, he realizes. Iwaizumi hadn't realized how heavy he'd felt until now. Because right now, Iwaizumi isn't:

Iwaizumi, who's in love with me, as Oikawa probably sees him.

Iwaizumi, whom I've been a crappy friend to, as Kuroo probably sees him.

Iwaizumi, who is the only person in a worse place than I am, as Kenma probably sees him.

He's just Iwaizumi, someone who Semi wants to spend time with.

This feels simple and easy. The rest of his life feels complicated and difficult. The rest of his life is weighed down by the fact that he's in love with Oikawa, the human version of a spider who's created a web that's entangled Iwaizumi for what feels like forever.

Being here doesn't mean he's not in love with Oikawa. Being here doesn't even mean he's _less_ in love with Oikawa. But being here means Iwaizumi is still Iwaizumi; he isn't bound to Oikawa and has a life of his own. He's still got the potential to move on.

So he's happy.

"Yeah," Semi says. "…A date date."

Iwaizumi smirks a bit as he sets his glass back down, watches the ice cubes clink against each other with the jostle. "Just wish it was a bit less casual than lunch at a restaurant across the street from the neuro labs. Sorry about that."

"It's fine. But if you want…" Semi says and Iwaizumi can't help but smile a bit when he takes his hand. Semi pauses; Iwaizumi senses his hand stiffening and reaches out to lace their fingers together before he can pull back. He traces his thumb over Semi's knuckle, looking up after a moment. "Yeah?"

"…If you want," Semi starts over with a small smile, "there's this movie—"

"Iwa-chan!"

And for some reason that Iwaizumi can't explain, he jerks his hand back. He doesn't dare look at Semi; it's befuddling to him because logically, there's no reason for him to act like that. It's what he tells himself all the time. There was no _reason_ Oikawa _couldn't_ sleep with Kuroo. And just like that, there's no _reason_ Iwaizumi _can't_ hold Semi's hand.

But actually, he realizes, there is.

Loyalty.

Oikawa may not feel the same way, but their friendship should've been enough for him to not sleep with Kuroo.

And just like that, Iwaizumi feels this unfortunate, unearthly strong loyalty to someone who maybe doesn't even deserve it. And as long as he's in love with Oikawa, Iwaizumi doesn't think he'll be able to be with someone and let him know. Because Oikawa gets upset; for some reason, he gets ridiculously upset and that guilts Iwaizumi tremendously. He doesn't like being the reason Oikawa's upset; Iwaizumi's not sure if it's because he's his best friend or because he's in love with him, but he's never liked being the cause of Oikawa's distress.

It sucks to be Oikawa's friend, Iwaizumi thinks.

"Oikawa," he says, clearing his throat and frowning. "…Asshole, are you stalking me?" he asks and glares at him tiredly. Oikawa shouldn't be here, he thinks. He has no reason to be. This isn't an area he frequents and, as far as Iwaizumi's concerned, this isn't a restaurant Oikawa likes to eat at often. The only possibility is that he had been passing by the neurology buildings as a shortcut to the chemistry ones and decides that he might just be that unlucky.

"Iwa-chan, did you forget? We were supposed to study together today!"

"Did you not get my note about how something else came up?" he mumbles tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "It's on the fridge. And I texted you this morning."

"But you _promised_!" Oikawa presses.

"Oikawa, it's one afternoon—"

"But Iwa-chan, you're my lucky charm!"

Mouth still open, Iwaizumi's ready to turn him down but then he hears himself agreeing. It's like an out of body experience; he's got 'no, piss off' ready, but what sounds is 'fine, let's go.' Biting his lip, he turns to Semi. "…Sorry about this—"

"It's fine," Semi says, shaking his head and smiling a bit. "A promise is a promise."

That smile stings.

"That's right!" Oikawa chirps.

That doesn't help Iwaizumi's guilty conscience one bit.

Taking out his wallet, Iwaizumi pulls out enough bills for both of their yet-to-arrive meals, murmuring with a slight smirk that Semi better just accept having lunch bought for him. Semi laughs quietly and nods. "Next time's on me then."

"I'll hold you to it."

Nodding, Iwaizumi lingers at the table when Semi reaches out to brush their fingers together. Iwaizumi can sense Oikawa's laser like eyes on him and pulls back after their pinkies link for a second, murmuring another goodbye. He shoves his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched as he starts heading home with Oikawa, shakes his head at the waitress's slightly alarmed sounding questions. Oikawa's rambling, babbling as he always does. It's never quite deterred him when Iwaizumi doesn't answer. The one solace is that this time he does seem to hesitate when he glances over and sees Iwaizumi's stony expression, but he just keeps talking anyway, tries to fill the silence.

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything for the whole tread home. It's only when he hears 'so my test was cancelled, how about we watch a movie?' that Iwaizumi says:

"You know what, Oikawa? Fuck you."

Oikawa stops. They're right outside their apartment and he has his key in the door. He looks genuinely surprised at Iwaizumi's first sentence and scratches the back of his head. "…Eh? Iwa-chan?"

"That," Iwaizumi says tiredly and looks up, "is probably the first time in _months_ where I've been able to feel normal. Where I wasn't weighed down by the fact that I'm in love with you. Where I felt carefree and happy. Look, if you were always this fucking possessive, maybe I'd be okay with it. But you even encouraged me on dates in high school. So what the hell changed? My confession? You turn me down but I'm not allowed to move on? That's fucked up, Oikawa."

Iwaizumi shoves Oikawa and he stumbles back, still too stunned to react. His chest feels like it's burning from where Iwaizumi's hand made contact; the door slams shut behind Iwaizumi and even though it doesn't lock, Oikawa can't bring himself to go in. Swallowing thickly, he tries to smile.

It doesn't work.

He takes out his phone with shaking hands.

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_are you home?_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_haven't slept in 27 hours and just laid down for a nap but sure what's up_

* * *

"Iwa-chan's being unreasonable."

"My exam went great, thanks. If you mix Red Bull and black coffee you don't get wings, but there were a few times where I thought if I jumped off the building I could fly. So maybe it's like that."

"We've known each other for _years_. More years than he's known Semi."

"No cutesy honorific, huh…"

Oikawa knows Kuroo's tired. It shows. When he opened the door, the bags under Kuroo's eyes may have been even darker than his hair and his entire apartment reeked of coffee. Oikawa had ignored it and just strode in, kicked his shoes off and started ranting while running his hand through his hair. Kuroo sighed tiredly and listened patiently until now, had begun to offer his snarky responses.

Oikawa's not patient enough for that right now.

"He's allowed to date other people," Kuroo drawls, rubbing his face tiredly.

"How would you feel if this were Pudding-chan?" Oikawa snaps without thinking twice.

Kuroo lowers his hand and looks up with such an incredulous expression and Oikawa halts, mumbles an apology and looks away.

"If it were Kenma, I'd be heartbroken because I'm in love with him," Kuroo says slowly. "But you, as you continuously say, are _not_ in love with Iwaizumi and this isn't how a best friend reacts to his best friend going on a date with someone he might be into."

Oikawa frowns and crosses his arms. He pouts childishly and even kicks the floor a bit. "…You're supposed to be on _my_ side," he mumbles.

"I'm on the side of whoever isn't being a little bitch," Kuroo says with a slight smirk, eyes half lidded and Oikawa wonders if it's because he's about to fall asleep. "Sorry. If you want agreeable, come back after I've slept a nice satisfying eight hours," he says and groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Christ, I should've ignored your text… wonder where Kenma is…"

Huffing, Oikawa throws his hands up. His chest still feels a bit strange from where Iwaizumi had pushed him; he can't explain it, but it's like there's something missing. Iwaizumi hadn't shoved him that hard, but that slight push was more than enough to leave a lingering sensation. "It's just… I don't see why—"

"All right, fine," Kuroo snaps and Oikawa's a bit surprised at the outburst. "Fine, you're not in love with Iwaizumi."

"I didn't say—"

"You know what that makes you? An asshole. A really _selfish_ asshole. Your best friend confesses to you and not only do you not _tell_ him that you don't feel the same way, you meddle in his chance to move on. Grow up, Oikawa. Honestly, the least Iwaizumi deserved was you acknowledging his feelings and turning them down, not going behind his back and screwing me. I admit, I fucked up there too. But now, just… Iwaizumi might like Semi. He and Semi might have something. But he's still in love with you and both of you know that if you throw a big enough fit, he won't pursue it. Because you matter so goddamn much to him. If you're in love with him, then fucking admit it and decide if you want to be with him. And if you're not, let him move on. He deserves that. You're my friend and I love you, but sometimes, Oikawa, you're just downright unbelievably _selfish_."

Oikawa's speechless and entirely taken back. It's embarrassing to be told off like this. And not because it's by one of his closest friends; he'd prefer to be told off by someone who knows him well than someone who doesn't, but it's still humiliating. Because as much as he'd wanted to stop listening, he realizes Kuroo's right.

Oikawa's not the type of person who likes being wrong and admitting it but right now, right here, he realizes it. Or maybe he's always known, but it takes someone yelling at him to admit it. He'd been throwing tantrums left and right about Iwaizumi doing _anything_ not involving him, whether just talking to someone else or going on a date with him. And he's allowed to; even Oikawa knows that. But what Oikawa can't seem to grasp is letting him go.

Because while growing up, people have been ephemeral. He's always been told he's so lucky to be popular, but most of the people who had been his friends were temporary, some leaving because of natural ends to friendships, others for heavier reasons. Iwaizumi's been the one constant. Kuroo's a good friend and so is Kenma, but Oikawa's known Iwaizumi since they were kids. They grew up together and never has their friendship wavered or faced the risk of ending.

But that's not to say Iwaizumi hasn't made other friends, so Oikawa knows there's a specific reason why he's reacting so awfully to Semi, he just can't pinpoint it.

"I can't lose him," Oikawa mutters at last, cheeks feeling a bit flushed and throat dry. "…I know it's not fair, but… I can't… I can't lose Iwa-chan. He's everything—"

"Then imagine how it feels," Kuroo interrupts tiredly, rubbing his face again, "if you were in love with him, confessed, were rejected in a roundabout way, and then still had to deal with him acting around you in the same way. In case you haven't noticed, Oikawa, you _act_ like his boyfriend. You're always touching him and sleeping with him and being all possessive. It's probably killing him on the inside. I know he's important to you. I know how important a childhood friend is, okay? But I also know how much it sucks to be in love with them so, for the sake of your goddamn friendship, _let him go_. Either let him move on or really _seriously_ think about your feelings for him."

"…I mean," Oikawa mutters, "I'm not in _love_ with him. If anything, maybe a crush—"

"Oikawa, do you realize that everyone in the entire world wants to punch you in the face right now?"

"I don't… I mean, I'd _know_ if I felt that way, wouldn't I?"

"Sometimes you don't."

"Even if… he's my best friend. He's allowed to have friends and go on dates, but…"

"But what?" Kuroo sneers. "Does Iwaizumi have to pledge his entire life to be by your side because you're so concerned with what makes _you_ happy that you're entirely disregarding him? The problem is that Iwaizumi's a great guy and he'd do anything for you. And now the problem is that you're the kind of asshole who would take advantage of that. I know you've done shitty things to other people, but this is Iwaizumi. He's put up with too much of your crap to be treated like this. Let him go, Oikawa. Because honestly, you don't even deserve him as a friend right now."

Oikawa visibly flinches like Kuroo's hit him. "I'm… I'm _not_ —"

"Well, that's what you're _acting_ like. Will you be satisfied when Iwaizumi dies alone after having tended to your every whim? After Iwaizumi's devoted himself to you, serving you hand and foot? It's one thing to expect that of someone when you're seven years old. But you're not. You're twenty four years old, for Christ's sake. Stop acting like such a goddamn _brat_."

Oikawa's silent. He's looking down, bangs obscuring his expression, and he hears Kuroo give a groan after a few moments. He pushes his bangs away from his face and takes a few moments to catch his breath, blink a few times so his vision clears. "Sorry," he mutters. "Not about all that, because it's true, but just going off on you."

Oikawa's still silent. Kuroo rubs his eyes and sits down on the couch, elbows on his knees. "…You're not a bad guy, Oikawa. You're just… the way you act sometimes is really ridiculous. And obviously I'm in the wrong too. But it feels like you don't even know that. You think all this is justified and… I don't even know anymore. I thought it was all because you're in love with Iwaizumi and you just don't see it, but you keep saying you aren't."

Kuroo looks up.

"…You're not, right?"

Oikawa's always had a habit of digging his nails into his palms when he's anxious. He started when he was a kid and it got to the point where he wouldn't even notice blood until it was too late. But luckily for him, Iwaizumi's always been by his side. He'd take his hands, whether they were six or sixteen, and unfurl them before his nails broke the skin. And if they already had, he'd silently press bandages onto his fingers and frown slightly.

_"Don't do that."_

_"It's okay, it doesn't hurt too much…"_

_"Not that,"_ Iwaizumi always says. _"I don't like seeing you hurt yourself."_

"Oi… oi, shit, you're bleeding—"

"I'm all right," Oikawa breathes, relaxing. It's not enough to sway Kuroo; he disappears into the kitchen and comes back with paper towels, grabbing Oikawa's hand and pressing them to his palm. Oikawa still doesn't feel the pain. He's just watching red start blossoming on the white towels, stares at them like this is the first time he's seen blood.

He can hear his heart pounding in his chest, the blood rushing through his ears, and standing there in Kuroo and Kenma's apartment feels a bit surreal. Kuroo's not the type to yell at people like that and Oikawa's not used to anyone besides Iwaizumi being so accurate and knowing just what to say.

"I'll get antiseptic… Jesus Christ, Oikawa, what the fuck…"

He gives a shaky breath and closes his eyes. His throat stings but he forces himself to swallow, clenching his hand and unfurling his fingers after a moment. Kuroo's right, he thinks numbly. He's right. Maybe he's been right all along.

"I'm going to go apologize to Semi-chan," Oikawa says softly and pulls his hand back. He stares at his hand and tilts his head. "Yeah, this'll be okay." He looks up and smiles warmly, catching Kuroo a bit off guard as he's coming back from the bathroom. "Thanks, Tetsu-chan. …Really. That… I needed that, I guess."

Oikawa's not even halfway to the door when Kuroo calls his name tiredly. Biting his lip, he laughs quietly and murmurs 'will do' before slipping his shoes on and leaving.

_"Make sure to dry your tears first. You're an ugly crier."_

* * *

Oikawa finds Semi in one of the quieter spots on campus, doing homework while listening to music. The moment he steps out of Kuroo's apartment, Oikawa promptly realizes he doesn't know Semi well enough to find him, but then he remembers that if Iwaizumi likes him, they probably have things in common.

So he goes to where he'd start looking for Iwaizumi.

He stops when he sees him, unmistakable hair and concentrated expression. It reminds him of Iwaizumi and, for once, that nearly has Oikawa doubling over like someone just sucker punched him. Being reminded of Iwaizumi usually doesn't do that to him. Being reminded of Iwaizumi usually makes Oikawa smile or, at the very least, amuses him.

But being reminded of Iwaizumi right now means Oikawa remembering just how awfully he's been treating the most important person in his life.

Iwaizumi's told off Oikawa several times while they were growing up, telling him time and time again how selfish he can be. Oikawa's just never thought that he'd be doing that to Iwaizumi.

He manages a shaky smile and strides forward.

"Semi-chan!"

"Iwaizumi's not here."

Wincing at how blunt he is, Oikawa recovers quickly and smiles again. But the way Semi's glaring has him faltering; Oikawa sighs and clears his throat, this time the smile he's wearing sincerely apologetic. "…I'm sorry about lunch," he says. "You and Iwa-chan looked like you were having a good time."

"We were."

Oikawa frowns again. He fidgets in place for a moment; Semi's just staring at him, ignoring his book and drink. There's an empty seat but he hasn't offered it to Oikawa and Oikawa has a feeling he shouldn't just sit. He glances at the book; it's one Iwaizumi's fond of, he remembers, and that makes him frown more. Giving a heavy sigh, he reaches into his pocket to fish out his wallet. He slips out two tickets and chewing on his lip for a moment, he ends up offering them to Semi.

Semi stares for a very long time.

"I don't want to go on a date with you."

"Not with me," Oikawa explains calmly. "With Iwa-chan. These are tickets to the premiere of a movie he wanted to go to. It's based on martial arts and has his favorite actor in it. He was upset they were sold out, so these should cheer him up."

Semi's eyes narrow but he takes the tickets and Oikawa's mildly offended that he turns them around in his hands, as if making sure they're real. Looking up at him, he levels his gaze. "…Must've cost you quite a bit."

Oikawa shrugs nonchalantly.

"He did say you guys always went to premieres together," Semi adds slowly, surveying Oikawa for his reaction.

"…Things change," Oikawa says softly, mustering a smile. "Iwa-chan doesn't like the movie theatre popcorn butter, so don't get any, okay? He's also against sneaking snacks in because it's against the rules, but if you can somehow get agedashi tofu in, he'll be really happy."

"How am I supposed to get that in?"

"Be creative, Semi-chan. It's what engineers do, right?"

Semi doesn't say anything. He just eyes the tickets for a moment longer and then he's looking up at Oikawa, looking at him in a way he doesn't appreciate. He's seen that expression before. He's seen it during games, the way Semi scrutinizes someone on the other team who's been a pain to deal with. But most of all, he knows that look because it's the way Oikawa looks at someone who he doesn't trust and thinks is hiding something.

"I'm serious," Oikawa says. "I know I haven't been and I've been acting like a child—"

"Oh. So you are cognizant of that."

"—but I really… really want Iwaizumi to be happy," Oikawa says.

Semi blinks. "…You called him Iwaizumi."

"Yes," Oikawa explains patiently. "Because I know Iwa-chan's full name."

"It's not that," Semi says. "It's…"

He stops and Oikawa tilts his head.

"Yes?"

"…Never mind," he says and goes back to looking at the tickets. Oikawa watches the way he runs his thumb over them; his throat feels like it's closing up for a moment when he sees the way Semi smiles, can only imagine he's thinking of how Iwaizumi's going to react. But Oikawa shakes the feeling and smiles again.

"Iwa-chan doesn't like fancy restaurants," he says and takes the empty seat. "They stress him out because he doesn't like having five forks. Mm… Iwa-chan's not really that cheesy of a romantic, but if you bring flowers, he'll like them. But nothing with a lot of pollen, okay? Iwa-chan's clumsy. Iwa-chan also doesn't do well with ties… this might be a black tie sort of event, though. Iwa-chan gets really stressed out about silly things, so make sure to notice if it happens, okay? Sometimes he needs a bit of a push. Just remind him that you're there for him. Sometimes he'll get nervous over really stupid things. Try to make him laugh. Distract him. Iwa-chan can get into his own head. He's really good at keeping other people calm but he's extra hard on himself, so as much as he looks out for you, you also have to look out for him."

"…You know a lot about him," Semi says at last, looking slightly overwhelmed.

Oikawa smiles. "We grew up together!"

Nodding silently, Semi looks back to his notes. His brow furrows and even though he's smiling, Oikawa feels like there's a physical ripping in his chest when he watches Semi start putting his things away and pulling out his phone. "Thanks for the advice," he says, looking over with a small smile. "…You're actually not that bad a guy."

Oikawa's breath catches in his throat again. He's going to call Iwaizumi, he knows, and he needs to be away when that happens. "You make Iwa-chan happy, so that's all that matters," Oikawa says. "And I mean it."

Semi looks at him.

"…Yeah, you actually do. Thanks. again."

He turns around just as Semi dials Iwaizumi's number and holds the phone up to his ear, Oikawa's footsteps hurrying so he doesn't have to listen to him ask Iwaizumi out. His own phone buzzes in his pocket and Oikawa's pace slows to a normal stroll as he pulls it out, sees a text from Kuroo.

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_you okay?_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_yup! tetsu-chan doesn't need to feel bad!_ _（_ _*´_ _*_ _）_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_yeah well im still gonna. whered you go?_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_talked with semi-chan_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_oh god_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_no no!_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_it was nice. gave him the premiere tickets so he and iwa-chan can go (_ _)_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_? you tutored middle schoolers for three months for those tickets_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_its fine! i think iwa-chan would be happier going with semi-chan_ _ヾ_ _(_ _)_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_so you care more about iwaizumi's happiness than your own now huh?_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_guess so (*^_ _^*)_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_lol you poor bastard_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_i'm not ( д)_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_then howd you know what i was talking about?_

Oikawa stops walking and is rooted to the sidewalk. People are giving him slightly dirty looks as they move around him but he doesn't notice; he's just staring at his phone, feeling his skin prickle. But he shakes his head and ignores the lurch of his stomach.

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_…_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_(_ _^´)_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_i'm not talking to you anymore, tetsu-chan._

* * *

Iwaizumi wakes up from his nap to two strange things:

Oikawa setting down the drink he bought him, using his own money.

Oikawa offering him his cheek.

"…What the hell?"

"Iwa-chan can hit me," he explains.

"I'm not going to hit you, dumbass. Or maybe I should to knock some sense into you."

"I apologized to Semi-chan," Oikawa says and Iwaizumi's eyes widen. "So now I'm apologizing to Iwa-chan too about ruining your date. ...Semi-chan's not bad. I mean, Iwa-chan likes him so there has to be some redeeming quality—"

"Oikawa, it was high school—"

" _Iwa-chan_."

"…Fine," Iwaizumi concedes, unable to help the small smile lifting his lips. He's about to thank Oikawa for apologizing (because that, in itself, is exceedingly rare) but then Oikawa says:

"And I'm sorry… about the way I reacted to Iwa-chan's confession."

Iwaizumi freezes and he stares at Oikawa. He's looking for the telltale signs of him teasing but he sees none; Oikawa's sitting still, his smile is faint and distant, he's pressing his nails into the pads of his fingers. Iwaizumi sees white towels stained with blood and frowns, reaching forward and taking his hands. "Oi… you're doing that again?"

Oikawa smiles slightly and Iwaizumi feels his entire body heating up at Oikawa taking his hand. But he seems to realize what he's doing and pulls back after a moment. "…Iwa-chan, you're my best friend," he says and looks up. "And… I take that for granted sometimes. Because as much as Iwa-chan yells at me, you're still nicer to me than you should be. I was really mean to you about all this, wasn't I?" he murmurs softly and Iwaizumi has to look away because he can't _stand_ that smile, it breaks his heart more than Oikawa could ever know. "…And Iwa-chan was still so patient. And then with Semi-chan… I've been pretty unbelievable, but Iwa-chan…"

Sighing, Oikawa shakes his head. "…I'm sorry. Iwa-chan's usually the one to tell me off when I'm like this so I know to stop, but Iwa-chan… you deserve a lot better, okay? You're too nice. You stand up for everyone except yourself. I knew that and still I was like this. I'll try harder from now on. It's just hard, thinking of losing Iwa-chan, but—"

"Who said anything about losing me?"

Oikawa stills. He looks up to see Iwaizumi giving a small smile, a bit exasperated but true. "Just because I'm hanging out with someone else doesn't mean I care about you any less," he says. "Even if I'm dating Semi, it doesn't mean you mean less to me. You're still Oikawa, the person I grew up with. You're my best friend. You're not going to lose me, okay?"

Oikawa looks away and frowns. "But if you're dating him, then he'll be Iwa-chan's most important."

"Then I'll have two people who are most important."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because _most_ implies one."

"Not for me."

"Iwa-chan's special?"

"No. You are."

Iwaizumi notices Oikawa's cheeks pinking and he laughs softly. "Now stop getting all sentimental and crap," he says, reaching up to ruffle Oikawa's hair. He whines a little and pouts, but when he sees Iwaizumi's smile he breaks into a grin of his own. "One more thing," Iwaizumi says as Oikawa takes a seat next to him on the couch. "Thanks."

"Iwa-chan better be grateful! The line for the coffee—"

"For the tickets."

Oikawa freezes. Iwaizumi doesn't bother looking over from the television; he knows Oikawa well enough to know which expression he's making as he's just staring. "…Did Semi-chan…"

"He didn't have to," Iwaizumi says softly. "Premieres have always been our thing and only you'd be stupid enough to save up for those tickets. So… thanks."

Oikawa smiles. "You're welcome," he chirps happily before drawing his knees up to his chest and falling quiet as they watch a rerun of one of their favorite series. It feels normal, Iwaizumi thinks. It feels like before the confession, even before college. It feels like they're Skyping during undergraduate years or going to each other's houses after classes in high school. It feels like it always has, even if everything's changed.

He's happy.

He's missed this.

"Iwa-chan?" Iwaizumi hears softly.

"Yeah?"

"Your confession…" Oikawa starts before trailing off. Iwaizumi hates it, but he finds him clinging onto it; he has to know what Oikawa's going to say next. Not because he's hoping for a confession, but because this time he can have closure. Because Oikawa's always had a tendency to run away when things get hard and leave them undone because he can't face them, but this won't be one of them.

"…Thanks."

Iwaizumi's heard 'thank you' as Oikawa's response of choice to confessions before. He always says it so gracefully, with practiced ease; Iwaizumi must've watched him say it to dozens of girls, turning them down with the composure of a gentleman. He's always been polite when he does so; 'thank you' is a definite rejection, but it's gentle in the way it lets the other down.

But Iwaizumi gets a 'thanks.' Not a 'thank you.' He gets a 'thanks' with a genuine smile, not the practiced, distant one that Oikawa gives otherwise. When he looks over, Oikawa looks sad and Iwaizumi believes that smile, believes that Oikawa's not treating this confession as any other.

Iwaizumi scoffs but he's smiling as he reaches out to playfully punch Oikawa's arm.

"…Dumbass."

Oikawa laughs and Iwaizumi's heart goes straight to his throat.

"Rude, Iwa-chan."

* * *

"So you two are okay again?"

"Yeah."

Beleaguered from today's interval training, Iwaizumi downs half his water bottle in one sip. Kindaichi collapses on the bench and does the same; both of them are exhausted, coats of sweat sheen across their foreheads and towels draped around their necks. Iwaizumi rests a hand on his hips, leans back a bit to stretch out his back. His heart rate has steadied to a still quicker-than-normal rate but it doesn't render him unable to breathe anymore; a few more minutes pass and he's more or less fine, looking over to Kindaichi. He gives a nod and stands, picks up his bag. _"It's always more intense with you, Iwaizumi-san."_

Iwaizumi smirks.

_"That just means you don't push yourself enough normally."_

The rush of cool air when they go outside is welcomed. Iwaizumi takes a deep breath and nods when Kindaichi thanks him for holding the door open; his hands go into his pockets afterwards as they begin walking. It's a Saturday, a rare reprieve of a weekend between exams, and the first thing Iwaizumi does is get back into the working out he's been neglecting. He'd bring Oikawa, but he had stayed up to sunrise either studying or playing some game, so Iwaizumi decides to let him sleep in for once. Kindaichi's a better workout partner anyway; he actually does his best to keep up with Iwaizumi instead of whine the way Oikawa does.

"Really?"

Iwaizumi looks over with a small frown. "Yeah. Why's that weird?"

"It's not," Kindaichi says and then hesitates. "…Well, it is. Just… it's hard to recover from something like that, right?"

"Something like what?"

"A confession."

"Oh. Not really," Iwaizumi says after a moment. "We've been friends our whole lives. We just go back to how we always were. It's not even going back. Nothing changed. We keep being as we always are."

"Yeah, but…"

"We _are_ ," Iwaizumi says and realizes he sounds a bit defensive only after he's snapped. Mumbling an apology, he stops by a Starbucks and the two stand in line. "…I think we are."

"Your friendship with Oikawa is strong," Kindaichi says and Iwaizumi gives a wary glance. "But you've been in love with him for a long time, right? It's one thing when you don't know where it's going. But now that you do…"

And he stops.

Iwaizumi's frown deepens. He orders an iced coffee and heads over to the other end of the counter to wait for his drink. He hasn't thought of it that way; when he thought about going back to how they were before, he'd considered only the status of his relationship with Oikawa. They had always been friends and so they'd remain that; he assumed that it may be a bit awkward for a bit, but they'd be able to get over it. And it seems like they are; it had been slow, slightly painful at first, but Iwaizumi really feels that he and Oikawa were going to be able to continue being best friends.

What he hasn't considered, though, is how he feels.

He's still in love with Oikawa. The rejection hasn't changed that; it's not as if Iwaizumi's feelings are contingent on reciprocity. He's in love with Oikawa's annoying ass personality and his stupidly pretty face, his kindness, loyalty, determination, faithfulness. He's in love with the person who's been at his side without exception since they were kids, has always supported him. Even in the times where Oikawa's been annoying, Iwaizumi knows he's always been trying to help. Sometimes he's not aware that his joking is more harmful than good, but Oikawa's never purposely tried to hurt him. Nobody's perfect. Oikawa certainly isn't, and Iwaizumi knows that.

Even after everything, even right now with Semi, he's still in love with him.

"I guess…" Iwaizumi says when Kindaichi joins him, "…I hadn't thought about that."

Kindaichi nods and scratches his cheek. "Are you… going to try to get over him?"

"…I don't know if I can, actually," Iwaizumi says after a beat.

Habits form if they're repeated enough for long enough. It's a given fact of life and it's what Iwaizumi's seen in case studies in his classes. Habits form. Sometimes not good ones. Usually not good ones. They're detrimental habits and breaking them is harder than forming them.

Iwaizumi might've formed a habit out of being in love with Oikawa.

It's been eight years after all; how can he move on from that? Just how long would it take to move on from someone who he's been in love with for a third of his life? Iwaizumi feels a chill when he thinks about it and knows it's not because of the iced coffee he and Kindaichi are leaving with.

It's sort of like he's molded his world around being in love with Oikawa. It's become such a stagnant feeling that he doesn't think twice about it; that's just how things are for him. He's in love with Oikawa. It sucked at first, but he accepted it and that's essentially life as he knows it.

His unrequited, twenty four seven incessant pining for his best friend.

How does he move on from that?

Is dating someone else really enough?

"Uh, Iwaizumi-san… it's red."

Iwaizumi's got a foot off the curb when he hears. He mumbles his gratitude and takes a step back, brow knit. His teeth bite down on the green straw and he can feel Kindaichi looking at him curiously.

"…I hadn't thought about that," he echoes a previous answer. "I… don't know. I guess I should, right?"

Kindaichi nods, clears his throat.

"You're entirely free to decline, Iwaizumi-san, but… I was just thinking that you could move in with me. Because getting over someone would be easier if you're not living with them, right? But it's just a thought you can keep in mind."

Their paths diverge after crossing the street and Iwaizumi promises to keep his offer in mind. The rest of the walk home is a slow amble; Iwaizumi's lost in his own thoughts that he keeps nearly bumping into people, stuttering apologies every few blocks.

He'd been wanting to get over Oikawa but now that he's trying, he realizes it's infinitely harder than he'd expected. Oikawa's a pain in the ass, but he's not the type of person someone can get over easily, especially not when that person is Iwaizumi. Semi makes him happy, but he's not Oikawa. And what Iwaizumi feels towards Semi right now pales in comparison to how he's always felt about Oikawa.

And being so close to Oikawa, still living with him, definitely isn't making things any easier.

He comes home and hears 'Iwa-chan!' in a sing song voice. Iwaizumi looks up and gives an amused smirk to see Oikawa donning some sort of apron, standing in the kitchen. "I'm making dinner!"

"You're actually cooking?"

"I'm making Iwa-chan's favorite!"

"What, burnt everything?" he teases and can hear Oikawa whine from behind him. Oikawa's actually a fairly decent cook. Oikawa's a good roommate, actually; Iwaizumi could do much worse. He pays rent on time, he's a good friend, he keeps clean, he cooks, he even knows his way around basic utility repair.

But Oikawa's also the person Iwaizumi's in love with and even though it's not his fault, Iwaizumi feels a part of him die every time he sees him and remembers.

"Iwa-chan, are you okay?"

Iwaizumi realizes he's just been standing in the living room for several minutes. He shakes it off and heads over to the kitchen; standing close to Oikawa, he peers into the pot and smiles slightly. "Agedashi tofu? Are you trying to make up for something?"

"Of course not! I'm a nice person! I'm always this kind!"

"You sound like Kuroo now."

Oikawa's cheeks puff out. He reaches up to open a cupboard and Iwaizumi doesn't move in time; his arm brushes against his chest and suddenly they're close, noses nearly touching. Iwaizumi's eyes widen and Oikawa lingers for a bit too long, just staring at him. For a second, Iwaizumi can't help but glance at his lips, though he tears himself away immediately after and mumbles an apology.

"Iwa-cha—"

"Sorry. I'll be in my room until you're done."

He closes his door and leans against it; his heart is still racing and he can't stop remembering Oikawa's face, how his lashes contrasted against his skin, how his hair looked so soft. And he can't stop thinking about his lips, back to when they were sixteen, the last time he'd kissed him.

Iwaizumi groans, slides down into a sitting position and pulls out his phone.

**To: Kindaichi Yutaro**

_when can i move in?_

* * *

"Go fish."

"…"

"Should I play for you?"

"I hate this game."

"Because you're losing."

Kenma huffs and tosses his cards down. Giving a quiet laugh, Kuroo cleans up the cards as Kenma pulls his legs up onto the couch and crosses them. Kuroo stands to get something to drink from the kitchen and when he returns to see Kenma on his phone again. He averts his eyes; snooping on Kenma has never been something Kuroo's done, mainly because if Kenma wants him to know, he'll tell him.

He leaves a can by him and reclaims his seat on the couch, brings his beer to his lips. Kenma glances over. "…It's one in the afternoon, Kuroo."

"Yeah. There's nothing to drink."

Kenma looks pointedly at the apple juice Kuroo brought him.

"That was the last one."

Kenma uses his foot to move it closer to Kuroo.

"Thanks, but it's for you."

"I'll drink water if it means a sober you."

"I won't get drunk off of one beer."

But he puts it down and goes to get a glass of water instead. This time when he sits down, Kenma leans against him and Kuroo laughs softly. "You're like a cat."

"How so?"

"Stay away when you're mad, come close when you're not."

"That's not what a cat does. That's what every animal does."

Smirking, Kuroo shifts to drape an arm around Kenma's shoulder and press a kiss to the top of his head absentmindedly. Kenma hums and Kuroo ends up laughing in his hair when he moves a bit. He kisses him again and can't help but glance at his phone when it lights up, tears his eyes away right as he sees that the sender is Hinata.

"So how was your date?" Kuroo asks after a moment, chin on top of Kenma's head.

Kenma's brow furrows.

"What date?"

"You asked me what to wear. Sorry about not answering, by the way. Got distracted. You find anything?"

"Oh," Kenma murmurs, "not for me. Shoyo was asking for help. Told him to wear what he normally does, just nothing stained."

"…So not you?" Kuroo asks after a beat.

"Didn't I just say that?"

Eyes closing, Kuroo murmurs 'thank god' into Kenma's hair and pulls him close. There's a slight sound from him, but Kenma relaxes. He's always loved having Kenma close to him, even before he fell in love; that familiar weight and warmth has always been comforting for Kuroo. He's losing himself in the feeling and barely manages to hear Kenma's voice.

"Kuro."

"Yeah?"

"…You thought I was going to go on a date?"

"Well," Kuroo mumbles, "it's not like you've never asked me for first date help." And it's true; Kuroo's been the one who calms Kenma before dates, has always been there for him. He stays by his phone in case of emergency texts, whether a 'I said something I shouldn't have' or 'get me out of here.' He's been the pretend boyfriend for bad dates, the wingman for good ones. Anything Kenma's needed, Kuroo's been there for him.

It's part of being hopelessly and stupidly in love.

"I haven't asked you in three years."

"Yeah, figured it was about time," Kuroo murmurs and closes his eyes. "Or figured you didn't need my help anymore."

"You're the first to know every time I even have a date," Kenma responds. "What made you think that would change?"

"I don't know. Maybe you met someone else."

"You're my best friend, Kuro. You're irreplaceable."

Kuroo blinks a few times before he gives a small smile. Lingering for a moment, he pulls back and shifts to be closer to eye level with him, bumping their foreheads together. "Hey. So you really would tell me if you're into someone?"

Kenma looks up at him. "Why do you ask?"

"Because," Kuroo grins, "are you into anyone?"

Kenma just holds his gaze; Kuroo's always wondered how Kenma can go so long without blinking—is he actually part cat?—and an initially harmless, teasing questions begins to make Kuroo's heart race because he's dreading the answer. But when Kenma's eyes crinkle with the signs of a smile, he gives a sigh of relief and pulls back. "Don't scare me like that."

"Me being interested in someone scares you?" he murmurs and Kuroo reaches for the remote. He picks up his apple juice and takes a sip, leaning against Kuroo again. His arm naturally comes to rest around his shoulders and he presses his cheek against the top of Kenma's head. "Well, yeah."

Kenma looks up and Kuroo's forced to hold his head up on his own. "Really?"

"Don't know if I'm ready to lose my best friend to someone who doesn't deserve you."

"You don't even know them."

"Yeah, well, they're not good enough."

Kenma seems surprised. Kuroo pulls back when he feels him moving and looks down to see Kenma staring questioningly. "…And why do you say that?"

Kuroo's breath hitches; Kenma's not someone who needs to be protected, he knows, but it's just always been in his nature to. They grew up together and Kuroo's just always been there to look out for him, even when Kenma became more confident. But when he stares at him like that, Kuroo sees the six year old he met for the first time at the playground.

Kenma's eyes have always been big; they just have that effect.

And that effect is amplified when it's Kuroo.

"No one's good enough for you," he says finally, one corner of his lips lilting higher than the other. "Hear that? No one. You deserve the entire world, Kenma, and don't settle for anything less."

Kenma smiles slightly; it takes everything for Kuroo to keep his breathing steady because Kenma's so close that it's intoxicating and overwhelming. "What if that person's you?" Kenma murmurs, looking up.

Kuroo doesn't even bat an eye.

"Definitely not me. Not even close."

And then Kuroo pulls back; he misses his warmth immediately but settles for just cuddling against him. Kenma checks his phone again but tosses it aside after a moment. Eyes half lidded, Kenma ends up pulling at a stray thread on Kuroo's shirt when suddenly:

"Why have you never asked me?"

"Asked you what?" Kuroo drawls. "There are about a million different questions I've asked over my lifetime."

"For sex."

Even though the couch is entirely solid, Kuroo swears that for a moment, he started falling right through it. Hoping that Kenma doesn't pick up on how quickly his heart is racing, he plays off his nervousness with a laugh. "Oh. Uh… I didn't think you'd be into that."

"I wouldn't with a stranger," Kenma murmurs.

Kuroo is now wishing he'd pursued a master's in physics because maybe he can know if universes can just _switch_. His throat becomes dry suddenly and he feels like he's forgotten how to talk. But he calms himself as much as he can and clears his throat. "…Do… you want to?" Kuroo asks slowly.

Kenma's quiet for a very long time before sighing. "…I don't know. I mean, it's better than you doing yoga."

"When did—"

"You can mute all the videos you want, but that doesn't mean I don't hear you swearing. And it's hard to miss the yoga ball rolling around our place."

"Oh…"

It's dead silent in the apartment and even talkative Kuroo can't think of a single topic of conversation right now. His heart is beating so quickly he feels almost nauseous and wonders if Kenma's always been so _hot_ when he leans against him. His throat feels dry and he swears his palms are sweating; just as he's about to make up a lame excuse, Kenma pulls back. Kuroo's relieved but he's also disappointed at the weightlessness and the cool rush of air.

"Just a thought," he says airily, avoiding looking at him. "I'm going to take a shower."

"Yeah, me too," Kuroo mumbles and stands, staggering a bit on the way to his room. Stumbling into his bathroom, he presses his palms against the cool surface of his sink and stares at himself in the mirror after taking a few breaths.

It was just a question, he tells himself. It was a perfectly valid question that Kuroo probably would've asked if he wasn't in love with Kenma and Kenma had been hooking up with someone.

"Pull it together," he murmurs before groaning, hands going to run through his hair. "Damnit, I'm pathetic!"

"Kuro, I can hear you," he hears.

He blinks.

"…Goddamn, these walls are _thin_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE MARKS THE BEGINNING OF OIKAWA'S REDEMPTION ARC. THERE'S GOING TO BE AN IWAOI ENDING BUT OIKAWA'S GOT TO WORK FOR IWA.
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated ♥


	11. i get tongue tied

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> from: tetsu-chan
> 
> fuck this is why kenma says i shouldnt be allowed to talk sometimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this particular chapter is dedicated to inkandwords, as she is the reason why iwasemi is even in this chapter. may all your iwasemi hopes and dreams come true ♥

"Left."

"Okay."

"…Other left."

"Shit."

Semi's giving that one particularly familiar lopsided smile when Iwaizumi retraces his steps, having turned right by accident. He mumbles an apology and Semi shakes his head, the smile persisting. Iwaizumi finds his eyes lingering and he looks away probably a moment too late because that smile turns into a smirk. "It's all right. Left and right can be difficult concepts to grasp."

"Now you're just mocking me," Iwaizumi retorts.

Semi's smirk grows. "A bit."

Semi laughs quietly and Iwaizumi gives a small smile, shakes his head when Semi inquires what's wrong. The premiere had gone well; in many ways, Semi was a better date than Oikawa. He didn't alternate between furious whispers and vehemently abiding by the no speaking policy of movies, hog popcorn, or fix Iwaizumi's clothes every ten minutes, even while sitting.

But he missed those little nuances.

He missed Oikawa's arm against his. Semi took his hand and that was all dandy and fine, but it didn't give the same electricity as feeling Oikawa against him, shoulders touching and moving only when the movie was over. Oikawa was warm; he just radiated heat and in the cold movie theatre, it was more than appreciated.

He missed Oikawa's explanations, whether needed or not, sometimes tinged with spoilers. Semi was good at watching movies, which meant he didn't talk, but Iwaizumi found it _strange_ to go the entire movie and concentrate. He actually reacted to all the plot twists because Oikawa hadn't figured them out forty minutes prior and excitedly informed Iwaizumi.

He missed Oikawa's dramatic gasps, his slightly too loud laughs, his excited pointing. Semi was too quiet. It was nice because people weren't shushing him, but it was too peaceful. Semi was nice. Semi _is_ nice. But Semi's not Oikawa and Iwaizumi's painfully aware of that.

He missed Oikawa because premieres were their _thing_ and as much as it means for Oikawa to willingly step aside, that hadn't meant Iwaizumi was also ready.

But that's how things are now.

"You sure you're okay?" he hears Semi ask again and Iwaizumi nods. Semi takes his hand and Iwaizumi laces their fingers together without thinking. They don't have anything planned today; it was just a simple lunch and now they're walking around aimlessly. It's easy. It's casual. This is what dating should be like, Iwaizumi thinks. This is how he should be spending his mid twenties. This is fun. This is nice. It makes his heart skip a beat every now and then. It makes him laugh. It makes him smile.

He tries not to think about anything other than that.

"So you're moving out, huh?" Semi asks after a few more minutes of silence.

Iwaizumi nods. He steps a bit closer to Semi so a little boy can run past and Iwaizumi gives a fond smile; he's always liked kids and Oikawa says Iwaizumi is "surprisingly good with them."

He's hit Oikawa for that comment before.

The kid passes and Iwaizumi steps away again but, after reconsidering, returns to being closer. "Not sure when. Probably soon."

"Have you told Oikawa?"

"No way. No idea how."

Semi looks over. "You think he'll be upset?"

Iwaizumi sighs tiredly. "You know Oikawa."

"Right," Semi murmurs, free hand running through his hair. Iwaizumi finds himself entranced, even wondering what it would be like for _him_ to be running his hand through Semi's hair like that. "Well," Semi continues and Iwaizumi's pulled out of his daze, "I don't know if I'm allowed to say anything, since I'm your…"

Iwaizumi blinks when he realizes Semi's trailed off. He knows what's next and appreciates that Semi hasn't just said it; it's nice to take things slow right now. Because Iwaizumi feels like the way he fell in love with Oikawa was like being sucked into some sort of vacuum; it felt out of his control and was immediate. But this right now, this is nice. This is slow. This is comfortable. This is just what he needs.

So he finishes the sentence for him.

"…Boyfriend," he fills with a slow smile.

Semi raises an eyebrow and smirks. "Wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to label something you weren't ready for," he drawls but nods. "As I was saying, not sure if I'm allowed to say anything since I'm your _boyfriend_ , but I think this is good. I'd say that if I were just a friend too. Oikawa's great, but, honestly, sometimes he just-"

"I like you," Iwaizumi interjects and both he and Semi are caught off guard by the slight snap in his tone, "but Oikawa's my best friend. So… keep that in mind, okay?"

There's a bit of a silence before Semi mumbles an apology and the way they're holding hands feels awkward suddenly. Iwaizumi feigns needing his hand to check his phone so he pulls back and it's only after two blocks that he finally apologizes, voice gruff. "Oikawa's just… it's complicated. I know he hasn't been the greatest friend but… he's still my best friend. It's just instinct to stand up for him, even though he's screwed up."

Semi shakes his head and Iwaizumi notes how, if he were Oikawa, he would've whined, not be this understanding. It's not fair, but Iwaizumi realizes he's comparing nearly every single thing Semi's doing to what Oikawa would. He needs to stop. He should. But he can't help himself; it's instinct.

"It's fine, I get it. You're loyal. It's one of the things I like about you."

Semi's just so different from Oikawa that Iwaizumi can't help but marvel.

Iwaizumi laughs. This time he's the one to reach out for Semi's hand just before they turn into the library, fingers threading together and palms touching. "What, you want to read with me?" Iwaizumi teases in a low voice when Semi makes not move to stop or pull away once they're a good ways in. "It's not that exciting. Just looking up some articles I thought were interesting."

"Figured I could walk you to your shelf," Semi murmurs and Iwaizumi smirks, bumps his shoulder against his.

"Romantic."

The topic Iwaizumi's looking into for a possible thesis is muscle atrophy and it's one of the less popular topics, so his section of the specialized library is pretty empty. Semi comments on that and Iwaizumi laughs. "Don't get any ideas."

"Were you the kid who reminded teachers of homework?"

"No, too busy trying to keep Oikawa from pissing off the teachers and getting us more homework."

"The class hero."

Iwaizumi stops by the shelf against the wall, runs his free hand over the spines of the books until he finds what he's looking for. Tipping it free, he maneuvers his hand skillfully to open a page and isn't even ten words in when Semi interrupts him, pinching the bridge of his nose. Iwaizumi laughs. He laughs a lot around Semi. It's nice.

"What, can't keep up?"

Semi smirks. He doesn't say anything and Iwaizumi feels his breath hiccup at the way he's looking at him. When Semi takes a step forward, Iwaizumi takes one back. The pattern continues until he's against the wall and doesn't mind that there's nowhere left to go as Semi keeps approaching him. His breath comes out shaky when Semi raises a hand, back of his fingers brushing over Iwaizumi's cheek. His eyes close for a moment and he relaxes into the touch, opens them to answer Semi's 'hey' with a 'hm?'

"I know you're in love with Oikawa, but am I allowed to kiss you?"

Iwaizumi blinks and he's suddenly very aware that his mouth feels either too relaxed or too positioned, so he clears his throat and hopes it helps.

It doesn't.

"I… guess so."

And now Iwaizumi's entirely preoccupied with the way he's standing. Is his posture too straight? Is it too good? What if he's slouching? What about his hair? What's going on up there? His cheeks feel stiff. Are his eyes normal? What does he do with his hands? What about his feet? And knees? Why does he have so many parts to his body?

"…Are you okay?"

Iwaizumi tries to say 'fine' but his voice cracks so it seems that both external and internal parts are refusing to cooperate. Semi smirks again; he smirks a lot, Iwaizumi notices, like Kuroo. But Semi's not like Kuroo, actually, so he can see that smirk without sort of wanting to punch him in the face.

"You're sure?"

"Yes," he says and Iwaizumi's voice cooperates, so he thanks his vocal cords.

Semi nods. And then he's stepping forward and Iwaizumi realizes anyone passing by could see, but he doesn't care. Semi's right in front of him now, his hands in his pockets and shoulders slightly hunched (should Iwaizumi's shoulders be like that?) as he starts leaning in. Semi's taller than him, Iwaizumi finds himself thinking suddenly as his eyes start closer. By about two tenths of a centimeter, but he's still taller. It makes him a little mad, actually. Everyone's taller than he is (except Kenma, but Kenma doesn't seem to care.) Who he's _really_ mad about being taller is Oikawa, but—

This is not the time to be thinking about Oikawa, Iwaizumi sternly reminds himself.

It takes everything for Iwaizumi to not jolt when he feels the slight pressure against his lips. Semi's lips are warm, which is completely expected. He's a warm-blooded mammal so of course his lips are warm.

It's just that...

They're _warm_.

And his touch is gentle; Iwaizumi feels Semi's hand coming up to cup his face. His cologne smells nice and all in all, it's actually a pretty pleasant kiss. Iwaizumi remembers that he also has limbs of his own and so reaches out, rests his hands on Semi's hips to pull him closer. He feels him smirk a bit at that; Semi takes his bottom lip between his own and Iwaizumi exhales a breath, feels his entire body relaxing just as Semi pulls back.

"See you tomorrow?" Semi asks quietly, eyes half lidded and still close enough for Iwaizumi to feel electricity.

"Yeah," he murmurs, smiles a bit. "I'll text you when."

Semi nods and he leaves after taking Iwaizumi's hand for just a split second, the touch of his fingers lingering even after he's rounded the corner. Iwaizumi's eyes close as he leans against the wall, head pressing to it.

It was a good kiss. It was; it left Iwaizumi a little breathless, a little disoriented, a little lightheaded.

But the problem is that it's all _a little_ and what Iwaizumi wants is feeling like his stomach's dropped, his heart's going to jump out of his chest, and entirely breathless.

"Goddamnit, Oikawa…"

Because now Iwaizumi's thinking of his last kiss with Oikawa, the kiss when they were sixteen. The kiss that hadn't had any romantic implications behind it but had still been the single most, breathtaking, amazing kiss in his life so far. The kiss that cemented how he felt; that kiss and that feeling is what Iwaizumi's been pining after. It made him feel alive and want to jump out of his skin, filled him with adrenaline. That's an effect that only Oikawa can have and Iwaizumi curses his own bad luck.

Semi's kiss was nice. It left him with tingles.

Oikawa's kiss was electrifying. It left him completely dazed.

Pulling out his phone, his brow knits when he sees his screen lit up with messages. "Of course," he mutters as he sees Oikawa's texts.

**From: Shittykawa**

_iwa-chan! what are we doing for dinner?_

**From: Shittykawa**

_iwa-chan_

**From: Shittykawa**

_iwa-chan_

**From: Shittykawa**

_IWA-CHAN_

**From: Shittykawa**

_IWA-CHAN IWA-CHAN IWA-CHAN_

He should answer, he thinks. Iwaizumi's standing in the middle of the library and staring at his phone, thinking that he should answer his best friend's texts. It's not nice to ignore someone, especially when they haven't done anything wrong. It's all him; it's entirely because of Iwaizumi and it's selfish to not answer.

He should answer his best friend, Oikawa.

But Oikawa isn't just his best friend.

So Iwaizumi puts his phone away because Semi's a nice guy and Iwaizumi does like him, so he's going to try his best to make it work.

He hasn't spoken to Oikawa that much in the past a few days, not after since deciding to move out. He doesn't know how to talk to Oikawa; he doesn't like lying to him, doesn't even like keeping things from him. And right now, even looking at Oikawa reminds Iwaizumi that he's moving out and this is something that'll crush Oikawa when he talks to him.

So Iwaizumi's keeping his distance. He's distracting himself to avoid remembering he has to tell Oikawa. The decision is for his own good; Kindaichi's right that if Iwaizumi ever wants to even begin moving on from being in love with his best friend, he can't _live_ with him. Living Oikawa just serves as a constant reminder of his feelings and their one-sided nature.

Hesitating, Iwaizumi can't help but pull his phone out again and look at Oikawa's messages. Guilt is clawing at him. He knows Oikawa's distressed; he's obviously worried about why Iwaizumi isn't responding and that's why his phone isn't blown up with more than a hundred texts. This is Oikawa trying to hold back and give him space.

Oikawa's actually been helpful recently. Iwaizumi doesn't know what happened, but ever since that apology and the premiere tickets, he's been a lot more mature about the whole Semi dating thing. Iwaizumi appreciates it; Oikawa's even helped him pick out outfits and date places. It's a bit strange to have the person he's in love with helping him to advance his relationship with someone else, but Oikawa is probably one of the best date planners Iwaizumi knows.

_I'll tell him this week._

Biting his lip, he pockets his phone again and clears his throat. He tries to start reading the book he had already pulled out but he can't focus and ends up replacing it.

Sighing, he leans forward and rests his head against one of the shelves.

_…Damnit._

* * *

**To: Iwa-chan**

_iwa-chan! what are we doing for dinner? (*^▽^*)_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_iwa-chan_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_iwa-chan (;´Д`)_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_IWA-CHAN ∑(;°Д°)_

**To: Iwa-chan**

_IWA-CHAN IWA-CHAN IWA-CHAN (´_ _･_ _(´_ _･_ _(´_ _･_ _(´_ _･_ _(´_ _･_ _(´_ _･_ _д_ _･_ _`)_ _･_ _`)_ _･_ _`)_ _･_ _`)_ _･_ _`)_ _･_ _`)_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_i think iwa-chan's mad at me_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_why whatd you do_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_nothing (⊃д⊂)_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_no really what did you do_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_NOTHING._

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_lol what if he breaks up with you_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_oikawa?_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_shit oikawa i didnt meant that_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_answer me_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_fuck this is why kenma says i shouldnt be allowed to talk sometimes_

So Kuroo's at Oikawa's apartment in ten minutes, despite the normally twenty five minute walk from his class on campus. He's huffing when he shoves the door open; Kuroo nearly collapses but manages to catch himself, palms flat against the carpet and knees following as he pants. After barely managing to make out Oikawa's name, he struggles to stand and grasps onto the closest surface for support. Forearm pressing to the counter, he rests his other palm on his knee as he heaves, the dip between his shoulder blades exaggerated with every breath. "Mother… Jesus… Oi… fucking…"

"Tetsu-chan! What if you're right, what if he broke up with me?!" Oikawa whines. His wording is dramatic and stupid as always, but he is genuinely worried. Kuroo's learned to tell the difference; this is Oikawa trying to calm himself down by trying to overreact as he normally does. But there's a slight waver in his voice and he's looking at his phone far too often. Reaching forward, Kuroo grabs the device from him.

"You… two… need to be… _dating_ … for that… _fuck,_ I'm out of… shape…"

"Stop wheezing, Tetsu-chan. That's not attractive," Oikawa murmurs, but he does smile a little.

Kuroo pushes himself up to glare halfheartedly, groaning as he clutches his side. Clearing his throat, he tries to straighten before realizing it's a bad idea; swearing, he's hunched over again, this time both hands on his hips and a searing cramp in his side. "Fuck… when I text… you… _answer…_ Oikawa _._ "

"Iwa-chan's not answering," Oikawa says, going over and shaking Kuroo's shoulder, to his extreme annoyance. "He's not answering! What do I do? Should I keep texting him? Or maybe just call? Do you think he's mad? What did I do?"

"You… let me… _breathe_ …"

"Tetsu-chan, you know what, you need to work out more!"

Kuroo finds enough energy to straighten and shove Oikawa, sending him toppling over the couch with a yelp. Smirking, Kuroo even chuckles but regrets the waste of air because he's gasping to breathe again. He straightens as best he can with a grunt and heads over to the refrigerator, opening it and relishing in the cool air. Two bottles of water later, he feels like a human being again and brings a beer over to the couch. Oikawa's lying on the floor and glaring, pushing himself up after Kuroo's first swig. "All right. Let's talk it through. What happened?"

Oikawa pouts and gives Kuroo a dirty look. "That was mean, Tetsu-chan. You don't go pushing people over couches."

"Not my fault you fell over like a scarecrow. Now who needs to work out?"

"Have you ever worked out with Iwa-chan?! It's terrifying!"

"That is true."

Kuroo's never actually worked out _worked out_ with Iwaizumi, but he's seen him when he's passing by or also at the gym. Iwaizumi's intense; it's admirable, Kuroo thinks, but he's not crazy enough to try and keep up with him. Nobody is, though Kuroo has once or twice tricked Oikawa into doing so.

Kuroo had to run away from Oikawa for a total of maybe ten blocks, but it was entirely worth it.

Sighing, he takes another sip of his beer and holds it by the neck as he looks over to Oikawa. Kuroo's perched on the armrest; one foot is on the cushion and the other remains on the floor as he watches his friend. Oikawa's staring at his phone again; his brow is knit and his teeth worry his bottom lip. Kuroo gives a small smile as he reaches a hand out to ruffle his hair. "Hey. It'll be okay."

"But he usually never ignores me for this long," Oikawa mumbles and Kuroo's smile widens a bit, holds a fondness to it.

"How long has it been?"

"A few days. I don't think I did anything to make him mad…" Oikawa's voice trails off and he looks up, genuinely concerned. "I helped him with his dates and everything. Or do you think he's just mad about before? I'm trying to fix that but…"

It's endearing to watch Oikawa get genuinely worried over the idea of pissing off Iwaizumi. Kuroo's been friends with both of them long enough to know that their relationship goes much, much further beyond the surface level 'Iwa-chan!' and 'SHITTYKAWA.' That façade is because of Oikawa's nature and Iwaizumi's temper; he threatens to hit Oikawa all the time, but Kuroo can probably count on one hand the number of times he follows through with the threat. Oikawa and Iwaizumi are two people who genuinely, truly care for each other. More so than some couples.

They're probably actually soulmates, even if one of them is too dense to realize it.

"Maybe he's just busy. Probably Semi?" Kuroo offers softly and Oikawa's frown deepens.

"What if he's really mad at me?" he asks quietly and looks up. "Even when Iwa-chan's home, his answers are short. He doesn't look at me much either and he always goes back to his room. I try asking about Semi-chan but he doesn't say anything…"

"Stressed?"

"No exams for a few weeks."

"Other drama?"

"Iwa-chan's very drama-free, Tetsu-chan. He's not you."

"…"

"Or me."

Kuroo shakes his head. He hums and taps his beer against his chin. "Mm… you know, Oikawa, you've, surprisingly, been a pretty good friend these past few days. I actually can't think of a reason for Iwaizumi to be pissed at you. I doubt it's of all the Semi sabotage from earlier because Iwaizumi's not the type to hold onto that and get mad later."

"But—"

Smirking, Kuroo shakes his head. "Look, it'll be okay. It'll probably pass over. You've got nothing to worry about. If Iwaizumi was mad, he would've yelled at you already, right? He's not the passive aggressive type."

"Yeah, but—"

Oikawa doesn't look convinced. His brow is still knit and so Kuroo pokes at his forehead with a grin. Oikawa's frown deepens but sighs and takes a seat on the couch. Kuroo moves to sit next to him, draping an arm around his shoulders. "You've been a good friend," he says again. "I'll vouch for that. It's actually really impressive how you went from selfish bastard to supportive best friend, but Iwaizumi recognizes that. If you're really worried, you should just ask him outright. But, Oikawa, I doubt there's anything weird going on. Sometimes people just don't want to talk. Or maybe he and Semi are having a fight and he just doesn't want to talk about it."

"…Iwa-chan seems so happy with Semi-chan," Oikawa mumbles and Kuroo looks over in time to see him draw his knees to his chest. "And with me he's just…"

"You're his best friend," Kuroo says immediately, "and Iwaizumi is the _last_ person who would ever prioritize a boyfriend over his best friend, especially someone he's been seeing for just a few weeks."

Oikawa frowns. "…If you say so."

Kuroo also hasn't seen much of Iwaizumi lately, but he has a feeling that if he brings that up, it'll just worry Oikawa more. He'd assumed Iwaizumi was just busy; he'd seen him around a few times on campus with Semi or Kindaichi. They waved and exchanged greetings but were usually on their way to class. Kuroo hadn't thought much about it but, then again, if this were Kenma, he'd probably be agonizing over it too.

"Don't worry," Kuroo repeats, giving a firm nod as he takes another sip. "It'll all be okay."

* * *

Days pass. Judging from Oikawa's texts, Iwaizumi's still being somewhat cryptic and distant, but Kuroo does his best to talk him down from fretting, though there are times where he just eggs him on.

He can't help himself, it's fun.

**From: princess-chan**

_iwa-chan is still being distant…_

**To: princess-chan**

_maybe you're too sparkly_

**From: princess-chan**

…?

**To: princess-chan**

_lol_

Oikawa actually did come over once, hold up his phone with Kuroo's 'lol' and look dangerously close to punching him, so Kuroo stops with those texts.

He bumps into Kageyama and Hinata on the way home one night with dinner; Hinata actually squeaks to see him and Kuroo just gives a curt nod. Kageyama glowers a little but Kuroo's hardly fazed; he's amused at the way Hinata's trying his best to either stand his ground to appear taller, neither of which seem to be working. _"I'd stay and talk, but apparently I scare you and Kenma told me not to do that. See you around."_

Apparently Hinata texts Kenma because when Kuroo gets home, Kenma's glaring at him.

_"I told you not to scare him."_

_"I didn't."_

_"Was your hood up?"_

_"No, why?"_

_"Then your hair scared him."_

"I'm home."

There's no response, but Kuroo's used to announcing himself to silence. He slips his shoes off and peeks into Kenma's room, frowns a little to see it empty. "Weird," he mumbles and starts shrugging out of his shirt as he heads across the living room to his own room. He grabs some clothes and goes to take a quick shower, tossing his phone onto the bed carelessly.

It's been a long day of class and lab work; on top of that, Kuroo has the additional task of calming Oikawa's increasingly erratic outbursts of panic due to Iwaizumi. Kuroo sees Iwaizumi on campus again and goes over to talk to him this time, knowing that he'll be late to class. When he asks if something's up, Iwaizumi just frowns and shakes his head.

_"Why?"_

_"Oikawa's been pretty worried," Kuroo answers and sees Iwaizumi's eyes widen. "He thinks he pissed you off."_

_"Huh? No, he didn't. What the hell… moron…"_

_"That's what I keep saying," Kuroo sighs and shrugs. "Whatever's up with you, though, you should tell him that yourself. He's seriously freaked out. He cares about your friendship a lot. He's kind of worried you're replacing him with Semi. And, I know," Kuroo holds up his hand, "that I'm the last person to say anything, but… Oikawa's really,_ really _upset. Just… talk to him, okay?"_

_Iwaizumi hesitates and nods._

_"…Yeah. Okay, thanks for telling me."_

When he comes out of the shower, Kuroo's looking forward to collapsing in his comfortable, unmade beds and soft sheets. His muscles are begging for relaxation; stretching as he makes his way towards the bed, a hand reaches up to try and loosen the knot in his shoulders. He climbs into bed and sighs, is about to lie down and just knock out when he realizes:

"Oh. There you are, Kenma. Bad day?"

Kuroo feels Kenma nodding, head moving against his hip. He gives a small smile before moving to lie down next to him. Once he's settled, Kenma moves to rest his head on Kuroo's chest, cheek pressed to the soft fabric of his favorite pajama shirt. Their legs tangle loosely and Kuroo holds him close, one arm around Kenma's shoulders and the other hand behind his head. They do this enough that his heart isn't racing; sharing a bed has been something they've done since they were kids. It's become so second nature that Kuroo doesn't think twice about it, forgets that something like this is usually considered intimate for couples.

"Kuro," Kenma murmurs and even though his eyes are closed, Kuroo's not intending on falling asleep anytime soon, "can you tell me something?"

"Anything you want."

"…Why were you hooking up with Oikawa in the first place?"

Kuroo's body stiffens and his eyes open to stare at the ceiling. Kenma doesn't usually ask personal questions like this; between them, they usually share what they want without having to be prompted. Humming, Kuroo sighs and wonders how to avoid telling the person in his arms that they're the reason when he doesn't want to lie.

"…There's someone I'm in love with," Kuroo says a bit slowly, "but they don't feel the same way."

"Same person you were talking about when Iwaizumi punched you?"

"Yeah."

"Same person you were ranting about at Oikawa's?"

Kuroo freezes. "…You were there?"

"Yeah."

He swallows and nods. "…Yeah."

Kenma moves a little; Kuroo loosens his grip until he's comfortable again, ends up tracing circles on his arm without thinking twice about it. "And it helped?" Kenma asks quietly. "It made you feel better?"

"It made me forget for a little," Kuroo murmurs. "Can you tell me something?"

"Yeah."

"Why do you ask?"

Kenma doesn't say anything for a long time. Kuroo feels him shift and even though it's to be closer to Kuroo, his body tenses. He runs his hand down the length of Kenma's arm, turns and his lips are moving against his hair when he asks, "You okay?"

Kenma nods. "Hey, Kuro?"

"Yeah?"

"…You know that I would, right?"

Kuroo's breath hitches. This time it's his turn to tense. He can't say he doesn't _want_ to; the problem is that it's too risky and while Kuroo's always been one who can separate love and lust, Kenma's the one person for whom it's inseparable. But when he turns to him, the way Kenma's looking at him, the way his hand is pressing to his chest erases all those lingering doubts and Kuroo finds himself pushing himself up.

Supporting himself on an elbow, the other hand goes to cup Kenma's cheek. Kenma's lying with his back on the bed, one knee slightly bent with Kuroo's between his own. Kuroo watches the way Kenma's eyes flutter closed at his touch, the way his lips are slightly parted. He begins leaning down; his heart's racing so quickly it feels like he might throw up and just as he's about to kiss him, just when their noses brush, Kuroo pulls back. It surprises him as much as it does Kenma. His eyes open and they lock gazes just before Kuroo collapses next to him, heart still pounding. "Sorry," he manages, "…I can't. You're my best friend, Kenma, I can't just…"

"It's fine," Kenma says. "You just don't see me that way, right?"

"No, wait, shit—"

Kenma's moving to sit up but Kuroo manages to grab his wrist before he can stand. He stops but he still isn't looking at him and Kuroo's wondering how he can tell the person who's most important to him that he means everything without telling him that outright. Throat dry, he swallows and drops his eyes to the crinkled sheets outlining where Kenma's body had been. "…Kenma, you mean more to me than you know, okay? And this… this doesn't always work out. I don't want to risk our friendship."

Because, Kuroo realizes, what he wants with Kenma is a _real_ relationship. He doesn't want something that's built on the foundation of only sex. And he doesn't want to be _just friends_. He wants to be with him; he wants to date him and spend an eternity with him. More than anything, that's what he wants, but going down this path is going to complicate that and muddle (or further obliterate) any chance he has.

"So then why Oikawa?"

"…Okay, because he's Oikawa. You know?"

He can't see it, but he can tell Kenma's smiling a bit. "…Yeah, I do. Like I said, Kuro, it's fine," he says and tugs his wrist free. Kuroo gives a silent groan as he lies back down with his hands covering his face, wondering why it seems that every time he has or comes close to having sex he seems to screw things up.

"But…" He moves his hands and looks at Kenma. "Just one thing," Kenma says, back to Kuroo and feet just barely skimming against the carpet of his bedroom. "…No one can resist you, Kuro." He looks over his shoulder with a small, rueful smile that makes Kuroo's heart ache more than he can describe. "You should just confess."

Kuroo blinks and he laughs softly. "What, are you trying to get rid of me?"

"No," Kenma says and stands. "I just really want you to be happy. That's all."

* * *

Iwaizumi finally texts back something more than three words a few days later.

**From: Iwa-chan**

_are you at home?_

Four words, but Oikawa's beyond happy.

**To: Iwa-chan**

_yup! waiting for iwa-chan! (*^_ _^*)_

Oikawa's just about to text Kuroo the news when there's a knock at his door. He pauses and stares, eyebrow arching as he goes over to answer, seeing Kuroo at the door. Oikawa blinks. "Yes? What, Tetsu-chan decided whining over a phone call about how he almost slept with Pudding-chan wasn't enough?"

"Shut up. You have a suit I can borrow? I've got an interview."

Oikawa's eyes light up in recognition and he nods, remembers that aside from their disasters of a romantic life, they've also got other pressing concerns. For Kuroo, it's a research position for the next academic year. "You couldn't text and ask?"

"I don't trust you remembering to bring it. Or, rather, I don't trust you not screwing with me and pretending you forgot it fifteen minutes before the interview."

Oikawa pouts but doesn't bother to argue Kuroo's points because he only argues when he can win. He opens the door wider to let him in, gestures in the general direction of his room. Oikawa glances down at his phone again on the off chance that Iwaizumi's texted something else in the past thirty seconds, but there's nothing.

"Go in and find what you like. Don't be sad if it doesn't look as good on Tetsu-chan as it does on me though!"

He flashes a grin and Kuroo gives a smirk. "Your ego's insufferable, you know that?"

"Don't tell me you weren't turned on by it!"

He hears Kuroo laughing from his room along with the sounds of hangers being moved around. "That doesn't mean I like it. That just means I _like_ it."

"Tetsu-chan, your emphasizing of words is strange."

Humming and blocking out whatever retort Kuroo's come up with, Oikawa instead heads into the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator and frowns when he doesn't see anything he feels like eating, opting instead to look for something to drink. He decides on a soda instead and has unscrewed it when he hears the door opening. He looks over his shoulder to see Iwaizumi and he smiles brightly when he sees him holding a bag.

"Iwa-chan! Milk bread!"

"Yeah, yeah. Figured I owed you some for not really answering these past few days."

Oikawa's slightly put off by the way Iwaizumi smiles at him and it's a bad feeling even milk bread can't ameliorate. Iwaizumi doesn't bother with fake expressions the way Oikawa does; if he's happy, he'll show it, and if he's not, he'll show that instead. But the way he gives a brief, fleeting curve of his lips gives Oikawa a bad feeling and he starts walking towards him. Iwaizumi puts the bread into the refrigerator and takes out a water bottle, avoiding looking at Oikawa.

He leans against the wall. "What's up, Iwa-chan? Bad day?"

Iwaizumi hesitates; Oikawa watches the way his fingers freeze when they touch the plastic cap. He meets his eyes for just a second before looking away again. "I… need to talk to you about something."

Oikawa blinks. "Okay."

Nodding, Iwaizumi gives a slow breath. Oikawa's still trying to figure out what it is; Iwaizumi's usually blunt and to the point. He doesn't like wasting time or words, and so Oikawa's got a bad feeling in his gut. But he keeps it from showing on his expression and waits, takes a sip of his soda. His mind flickers to Kuroo in the other room; the sounds of doors opening and hangers being pushed around have silenced, so he's grateful that Kuroo picks things up quickly. He steals a glance and the door's nearly entirely closed and he doesn't see Kuroo doing anything obvious like stick his face right in the crack, which is good. This doesn't seem like a good time to let Iwaizumi know Kuroo's in his room.

"There's no easy way to say this so…"

Iwaizumi stops and twists off the cap. One sip, and then another. Oikawa's frowning is deepening with every passing moment that Iwaizumi's not saying anything. He tries to stay lighthearted and offer a smile, but the nervous twisting in his stomach makes it hard. "What is it, Iwa-chan?" he manages pleasantly.

"Uh," Iwaizumi starts and caps his water bottle, setting it down on the counter. "…I'm moving out."

Oikawa's smile freezes and he feels like someone's poured ice water over him, rendering him both immobile and mute. He opens his mouth but closes it; clearing his throat doesn't help either. He's just staring at Iwaizumi, who seems to notice and sighs.

"I… you're my best friend, Oikawa," he says tiredly, looking at him. "And I'm in love with you. You don't feel the same way and that's fine. This isn't because I don't want to be friends. I do. You're my best friend. But… that's why I need to move out. I can't try to move on if I'm living with you because it's just this… constant reminder. When I didn't know where this was heading, it was fine. But now that I know it's not…"

He hesitates and shrugs, looks away.

"…We grew up together, but I guess it's time to grow up. That part of our lives is over."

His finger traces a water ring left behind by a cool glass.

"…We're over, I guess."

Oikawa barely remembers the soda in his hand until he drops it. The glass bottle shatters on the floor and his 'don't' comes out a lot sharper than he means to when Iwaizumi moves to clean it up. Oikawa swallows thickly; he feels like he's been sucker punched but can't lose face and just nods, smiles. "No, I… I understand, Iwa-cha—Iwaizumi," he tries and it feels so wrong, so very wrong to call him that. "…Yeah, I get it. Um… do you… do you already have a new place?"

"Kindaichi's. Are you sure-"

"Yeah," Oikawa says and his voice comes out a bit strange. "I'm fine. I understand."

"…Are you sure?" Iwaizumi asks slowly and when he moves to take a step forward, he stops because of the immediate way Oikawa flinches. "It's—it's not you, okay?"

"This sounds like a break up now," Oikawa says a bit too cheerfully and mechanically.

Iwaizumi winces. "I know this isn't fair to you, but—"

"No, like I said, I'm okay," Oikawa says firmly and nods. "…You're right, it's… this is better. This makes sense."

Iwaizumi nods, casts another worried glance at the glass. "…Watch where you step. I'll find someone to take my place."

"No, it's fine," Oikawa says and his own voice feels foreign to him. "I know some people who have been looking for a place. I'll ask if they're interested."

"Oh." Iwaizumi seems a bit taken back. "Okay."

"Okay," Oikawa echoes.

And just like that, twenty four years of friendship flashes before his eyes. Oikawa remembers the first time they caught crickets, the first time they went bike riding, the first time they got lost in the city. How there was a day when they were six that they somehow found their way onto a train and nearly left the Tokyo area, had it not been for Iwaizumi's father also taking it on the way home from work. How they'd practiced volleyball everyday in summer together before try-outs. How Iwaizumi had to physically restrain Oikawa from going out to practice because of his knee, actually sit on him when necessary.

How, for twenty four years, Oikawa's known the world only as it is with Iwaizumi right there beside him. How, on every date and with every friend, Iwaizumi's been on the back of his mind. _Iwa-chan wouldn't eat that_ and _Iwa-chan would like that_. How he could be shopping with a girlfriend and end up spending more time deciding which sweater to buy for Iwaizumi than for himself. How she'd tease that _she_ felt like the third wheel if all three of them were out together and Oikawa would laugh it off but never admit how he sometimes felt that way too.

How there had been very few first experiences that didn't include Iwaizumi. How Oikawa had thrown a fit about wanting to camp, but his mother not letting him, so Iwaizumi convincing his to set up a tent in their living room and project stars onto the ceiling. How Iwaizumi had always known if Oikawa needed comfort or if he just needed to be told to 'suck it up and keep going.' How every time he felt like he couldn't keep going, Iwaizumi was there to push or pull or both.

More than two decades had passed by and it all very suddenly, very abruptly came to an end.

Oikawa manages another smile and nods. "Right. So… is that it?"

"Yeah," Iwaizumi follows suit: a quick smile and a nod. "I'll probably move out in two weeks or so. Is that okay?"

"Fine!"

It's fine, just fine, Oikawa wants to say, but he doesn't trust his voice to carry that many words.

"Okay. Well, I have some stuff to do. So I'll be back later. Uh… want me to bring back anything for dinner?"

"Nope!"

"Okay."

"Okay!"

"You don't need help with the glass?"

"Nope!"

Iwaizumi seems dubious but nods and carefully steps around him. Oikawa doesn't bother to look as he leaves, hears the lock clicking shut and footsteps slowly fade away. He's still frozen in the kitchen when he hears Kuroo coming out of his bedroom. Whatever he says is a jumbled mess to Oikawa; it's echoing but none of it is coherent. All he's aware of is hearing his heart beating, blood rushing through his ears. His breathing begins to turn shallow and he stumbles back, feels Kuroo's arms around him immediately. He guides him away from the broken glass and eases him onto the couch; Oikawa sits with his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands so that Kuroo can hear the laugh but not see the grin. His palms feel wet and he's fully aware that he's crying but makes no move to try to dry the tears. Through the cracks of his fingers, he sees Kuroo crouching by him, wearing an expression that just makes Oikawa feel worse. Because part of him had been hoping he was overreacting; because he's known to do that. Oikawa overreacts. But Kuroo doesn't.

His breathing is shaky and he's trying his best to not be gasping for air. He hears a window sliding open and then Kuroo's back, his hands on Oikawa's hands to ease them away from his face. "Hey. Hey, Oikawa, you need air. It's just me."

So he lowers his hands and the cool air hitting his face hardly helps. Oikawa becomes acutely aware tears are wetting his cheeks; his eyes close and he bows his head, hair obscuring his face entirely. Kuroo gently lets go of his hands and Oikawa clenches them; he digs his nails into his palms as a vague reminder of reality, keeps him grounded enough to feel Kuroo's hand on his shoulder.

His fingers pass over the back of Oikawa's neck and then they're threaded in his hair; Oikawa doesn't say anything when Kuroo pulls him close, lets him lean against his shoulder with his eyes wetting his shirt. Kuroo says nothing and Oikawa's glad for it. He doesn't want to hear anything because there's nothing that can be said right now to make him feel better; his entire world has just changed and the best thing about it is no longer there.

"…Iwa-chan's moving out," Oikawa manages after a long time, voice cracking. His tongue wets his dry lips and squeezes his eyes shut, feels more tears rolling down his cheeks.

"…Yeah."

He can hear Kuroo sigh, feel his cheek press against him. Kuroo's warm, he thinks, but not as warm as Iwaizumi. He's not as built as Iwaizumi and all Oikawa can focus on is all the difference between Kuroo and Iwaizumi, how he's grateful Kuroo's here but he's not what he needs.

"I deserve this, right?" Oikawa hiccups with a small smile, voice shaking. "Because… because of how I've been, that's—"

"It's not that," Kuroo says immediately. "Don't go there, okay? You heard him. It's not because of that. It's not your fault."

"…He said we're over," Oikawa continues, voice uneven and inflection making Kuroo's frown deepen. "I think… Iwa-chan just broke up with me."

Kuroo doesn't say anything to that and Oikawa gives a quiet hiccup, shoulders beginning to shake. "I know why, I just… I don't want… I never thought I'd…"

"Lose him," Kuroo finishes quietly.

And Oikawa can't say anything else because it's taking everything to not start sobbing into Kuroo's shoulder; he doesn't have that kind of energy, but it's all he wants to do. And as he's leaning against Kuroo, feeling his arms around him, all Oikawa can think about is that he feels like everything could fall apart, but when it's Iwaizumi's arms, he feels like he can be invincible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the sad oikawa express choo chooooo
> 
> kudos/comments ♥♥♥ as always ♡


	12. need a little good luck to get me by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kuroo tetsurou's pretty stupid for a very smart person sometimes.

Iwaizumi's moved out.

The entire process takes a week, maybe a week and a half. Oikawa averts his eyes and pretends to not notice the boxes around the apartment whenever he comes home. He's in and out quickly; he stops to say hi if Iwaizumi's there, but their conversations are stilted. And whenever they lapse into an extended silence, Oikawa leaves before Iwaizumi can bring up wanting to _talk_ about all this.

Because of course that's what Iwaizumi wants to do. He wants to talk because he knows Oikawa isn't all right with this, and Oikawa doesn't want to talk because he doesn't want to let Iwaizumi know how much it's killing him. He's only moving out and it's not as if this is a definite end to their friendship, but Oikawa still can't help the empty chasm aching in his chest whenever he remembers.

The beginning of an end. That's what it feels like, he thinks, and that scares him. Because all this time, all Oikawa wanted was to not lose him, which prompted selfish, immature behavior. But then he realized how awful he was being and now-

-he was beginning to lose Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi moving out feels like a lot more than him changing places to live. Oikawa wants him to be happy and he wants to support what makes Iwaizumi happy, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. He's trying his best but supporting someone and liking it are two different things. Wanting his happiness and being unconditionally happy about whatever causes his happiness are not as separated as once thought, which Oikawa discovers more and more with every passing day.

He's been spending a lot of time at Kenma and Kuroo's. The couch becomes his official bed; both Kuroo and Kenma offer him their beds but he waves them off. It seems to worry Kuroo because, as he says, Oikawa's usually high maintenance and demanding. So him being fine with the couch is alarming. Him not demanding milk bread every other meal is strange. Him being quiet and just laying there is _terrifying._

_"You're sure you don't want the bed?"_

_"I'm fine, Tetsu-chan!"_

_"I can sleep with Kuro. Or you can. Don't you whine about your back hurting?"_

_"I'm fine, Pudding-chan!"_

_"Your shirt's on backwards."_

_"It's to represent a physical manifestation of how he can't breathe."_

_"Kuro, I told you. You're not allowed to talk during times like these."_

He passes by Iwaizumi on campus a few times. They freeze whenever their eyes lock and Oikawa's always the one to look away first and hurry to class; their most recent texts consist of Iwaizumi asking if he's left something, Oikawa replying cheerfully but curtly. Every time Iwaizumi asks if he's there, Oikawa honestly says no and adds the key should still work.

**To: Shittykawa**

_you haven't changed the lock?_

**From: Shittykawa**

_nope!_

**To: Shittykawa**

_you should, you know_

**From: Shittykawa**

_it's not like iwa-chan will break in and hurt me, right?_

The reply takes a while and Oikawa honestly feels bad because he hadn't realized how obvious that passive aggressive message was. He's about to apologize when Iwaizumi does and it makes Oikawa put his phone face down and under a sweater for the rest of the day.

**To: Shittykawa**

_trying my best not to_

Oikawa can't stand being in the apartment. It's newly single, but instead of freedom, all that provides for him is loneliness. It's full of memories; it's the first apartment he and Iwaizumi have ever signed a lease for. It's their first official home away from home, because college dorms don't actually count. It's where they struggled trying to figure out how to do adult things like paying bills. It's where they pulled all nighters without electricity because they forgot to pay, having fretted over water instead. It's where they accidentally ordered two pizzas because all that had been said 'let's get pizza' and both thought they were the ones ordering. It's where Oikawa was reminded over and over again why Iwaizumi's his best friend.

There have been a few times where Oikawa goes home and he bumps into Iwaizumi. It's unavoidable; there are things Oikawa needs that he doesn't realize until its use becomes vital and with Iwaizumi moving out, he's there often, packing up his things and cleaning. One afternoon Oikawa comes back for an old notebook with important lecture material when he sees Iwaizumi in the kitchen, gathering his share of dishes. They don't say anything at first; Oikawa's the first to move, tries to chirp an 'excuse me' but the second syllable is lost in his throat and he feels something hot press to the back of his eyes.

_"Oi—"_

_"I'll be out of here in just a sec, Iwa-chan, don't worry—"_

_"I won't move out if you don't want me to."_

_Oikawa stops. His skin prickles and he turns to Iwaizumi, sees that his words leave him just as surprised as Oikawa. He manages a hesitant smile and clears his throat. "Iwa-chan, don't be ridiculous. I can't be the only reason you'd stay."_

_Iwaizumi doesn't even have to say it:_

I'd do anything for you.

_"This is good for Iwa-chan, yeah?" Oikawa continues and looks away. He's still talking as he goes into his room; he keeps all his notes relatively neat, so finding the notebook he needs is effortless and his voice can still be heard clearly as he's sifting through the pile. "Besides, Iwa-chan was right. We grew up together but maybe it is time for a change since other things have changed."_

_"Oi—"_

_"Classes have just been extra stressful lately," Oikawa says as he comes out, flashes a smile. "So… I've been a little tense. Sorry, Iwa-chan. Ah. Wait. Iwaizumi."_

_Iwaizumi visibly cringes and Oikawa looks away._

_"…You don't have to call me that," Iwaizumi says quietly and Oikawa shrugs tiredly. "I don't want you to call me that," he corrects and Oikawa's surprised for a moment. But then it passes and he gives a familiar lopsided, relaxed smile that coaxes one from Iwaizumi as well. "What I said… look, I've been 'Iwa-chan' to you since about five minutes after we met. That's not going to change. I don't want that to change. Okay?"_

_"…Okay. Iwa-chan," he says and nods. "…Do you need help packing?"_

_"No, I'm okay."_

_He's relieved with that answer._

_"Okay then."_

_And then as he's about to leave, hand on the doorknob, he stops and looks over his shoulder again. Iwaizumi's no longer looking at him but he hasn't gone back to packing just yet; he's just standing in the kitchen, staring at a pile of plates. Oikawa spots a particular mug with penguins on it by the moving box; it had been Iwaizumi's, but it was also Oikawa's favorite, the one he'd always use for his coffee before a particularly stressful exam or interview. Iwaizumi looks up in time to see Oikawa staring at it, but before he can say anything, Oikawa speaks._

_"Iwa-chan, as long as it makes you happy, I promise I'm okay with it."_

_He smiles again, but it's not the genuine cheerful smile that Iwaizumi usually receives. It's not fake, but it's definitely not happy._

_"And I never break my promise, right?"_

_Iwaizumi's quiet for a bit. But then he chuckles quietly, palms the back of his head as he nods. "…Yeah, you're right. Thanks."_

When Oikawa returns a few days later to pick up some more things, after everything of Iwaizumi's is cleared out of the apartment, he sees the penguin mug remaining on the counter and it makes him smile. He goes over and picks it up. The apartment is strangely empty without any of Iwaizumi's belongings and just holding the penguin mug is reassuring. It's almost like he was never there; between them, Iwaizumi had always been the cleaner one, so naturally he didn't even leave any messes or garbage.

Oikawa almost wishes he had.

He's still in the kitchen holding the mug when Kuroo comes looking for him, having gotten tired of waiting outside. One scan around the room and he goes over to Oikawa, slinging an arm over his shoulders.

_"Hey. It'll be all right. You're still friends, okay?"_

_Oikawa smiles sadly._

_"But what if we're not best friends anymore?"_

Kuroo hadn't said anything to that.

Oikawa's on campus again today; he still goes to class, after all. Feeling like his entire world is collapsing around him is hardly a reason to not go to class. For one reason, he's paying for this education. For another, Kuroo drags him. And for a third, if Oikawa's losing control of his social life, at least he's still got full control of his academic one.

Smiling when handed his coffee, he takes a sip and feels minutely better at the sweet hazelnut taste. He turns around a bit too quickly and bumps into someone; the coffee is saved, luckily, but his textbook falls to the ground. He laughs politely and is about to say 'it's fine, don't worry about it' when the 'sorry' makes his heart stop.

There are tens of thousands of students on this campus, and yet the one person Oikawa bumps into has to be Iwaizumi.

"Oh. Oikawa."

Iwaizumi hesitates and holds out the textbook. Oikawa's throat is dry, but he nods as he takes it. They linger and then Oikawa's smile is so robotic and immediate that Iwaizumi actually flinches. "Nice to see you, Iwa-chan! Bye now!"

"Oikawa—"

But Iwaizumi doesn't bother trying to stop him as Oikawa brushes past; Oikawa manages to hear him sigh in his dash out of the coffee shop in favor of lecture. Kuroo's already there when he arrives and when he puts his hand out, Oikawa hands him his drink automatically. Kuroo takes a sip and he winces. "What is this, pure sugar?" he asks but doesn't give the drink back.

"You need to drink something besides black coffee, Tetsu-chan. It makes you bitter and that only works on Pudding-chan."

Kuroo mumbles something with a frown and Oikawa just smiles as he takes out his notebook and pencil case. Kuroo's on his third sip, seeming to have to ease himself into the flavor, when Oikawa casually says, "So I saw Iwa-chan."

Kuroo almost chokes to death on a hazelnut latte and Oikawa has to say he's pleased.

"Seriously?" he chokes out, fisted hand hitting his chest as he tries to clear his throat. "You talked to him?"

"Nope!" Oikawa answers brightly.

"…What?"

"We just saw each other and then I hurried to class because I can't bear to be away from Tetsu-chan!" Oikawa says charmingly with a radiant smile.

"That's nice," Kuroo replies without missing a beat. "Why didn't you talk to him?"

Oikawa faces front like a good student.

"Look, class is starting."

"No, it's not."

"It is for this row. Hush now, Tetsu-chan." And that's the last thing he says before all of Kuroo's questions are met with silence.

Lecture goes by in a blur. He remembers the lights being dimmed when diagrams have to be projected and the professor calling on random, sleeping students. A few awkward chuckles sound because of his attempt to be funny. There's chalk squeaking against the blackboard in short, quick successive beats. There are footsteps and rhetorical questions. He barely even realizes class is over; it takes Kuroo tapping his wrist and assuring him he'll send him the notes. Oikawa looks down at his notebook and he's not surprised to see that he hasn't even opened it. He gives a wry smile as they're leaving the lecture hall together. "Tetsu-chan knew I wasn't paying attention?" he murmurs much less energetically than before class had started. Looks like that coffee really would've helped.

"Yeah, you weren't drawing all over my notebook. Thinking about Iwaizumi?"

Oikawa doesn't honor that question with a response. He frowns; Kuroo seems to take note of the way Oikawa's brow furrows because he changes the topic, but even an alien movie marathon offer isn't enough to distract Oikawa from Iwaizumi leaning against the wall outside the building. He seems to be on his phone, the way he's tapping and his concentrated expression telling Oikawa he's playing a game. But he looks up when he hears the doors open; Oikawa wonders how Iwaizumi knows to look up; there had been throngs of students going in and out of the building, milling around and chattering. So many that it would be hard to pinpoint Oikawa immediately even if looking, but Iwaizumi looks up right as he steps out, like he just _knows_ Oikawa's there.

Their eyes lock and Oikawa feels nauseous.

It's the first time he's really seen him, Oikawa realizes. The other times had been glances, looking long enough to realize it's Iwaizumi before tearing his eyes away. But right now he's actually looking at Iwaizumi, taking in his chiseled jawline and short, messy hair. His built frame, slightly disheveled clothes that have always worked in his favor. Oikawa finds his eyes lingering on his lips, his own mirroring the small frown. "Oikawa," Iwaizumi says tiredly and Oikawa snaps out of his daze because of his gruff voice, "can we talk?"

"Actually, Oikawa was going to help me study," Kuroo offers.

"Sure, Iwa-chan."

"Yeah, I'll just fail. It's fine."

Oikawa gives Kuroo a tired smile; Kuroo smirks in response and claps him on the back encouragingly before leaving. He's grateful that Kuroo offered him an out and as much as Oikawa wanted to take it, as instinctive as it is for him to run away, he can't this time. Not when Iwaizumi came all the way here and waited for him, not when he's looking at him and sounding like that. Oikawa doesn't come across as a good person to most people; he comes off as superficial, shallow, and selfish. But he's got an undeniable loyalty to those he cares about and at the top of that list is Iwaizumi.

So if Iwaizumi asks him for something, seriously asks, then very rarely will Oikawa not comply.

By the time they reach a cafe, Oikawa realizes Kuroo has stolen his coffee. It's a bit of an annoyance, but he shakes his head when Iwaizumi asks what's the matter.

(He hadn't realized his expression was that noticeable.)

After they order, they bring their drinks to an empty table. Oikawa takes a seat; he's not trying to not look at Iwaizumi, it just happens that he doesn't look at him. He takes a sip and wonders if it's possible that just smelling coffee gives him enough adrenaline for his heart to be racing like this. "So," he starts, "what did Iwa-chan want to talk about?"

"Nothing in particular," Iwaizumi mumbles with a shrug. Oikawa watches the way he scratches at the sleeve of his drink with his thumb. "Just… talk. How we used to. I hardly see you anymore."

"Well, that's because we don't live together," Oikawa says and it comes out much snappier than he had intended. He'd been hoping for something light and airy that could pass off as casual, but the dent his fingers have left in his cup only serve to prove the opposite. When Iwaizumi sighs and looks away, Oikawa immediately feels bad, biting his lip. "Sorry," he says quietly. "I didn't mean to-"

"No," Iwaizumi interjects. "It's fine. That's fair. Are you all right?"

Oikawa readjusts himself. "Fine!"

"Bullshit."

Iwaizumi's always been the person who can see through him and Oikawa knows that. Oikawa's not a bad liar; most people can't tell when he's being dishonest. But Iwaizumi isn't most people; Iwaizumi is Iwaizumi, the person who knocks sense into Oikawa and keeps him straight. So of course he can tell that Oikawa's lying through his teeth when he says he's fine with all this, but that doesn't mean Oikawa has to explain why until he's ready.

Their relationship centers around transparency and pushing, but never forcing, always finding that boundary and approaching it but waiting instead of crossing. It's to keep both of them from burying something and avoiding it, but also not leave them uncomfortable.

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything else and Oikawa doesn't trust himself to, not wanting to snap by accident again. He focuses on the foam in his drink and starts adding sugar. Iwaizumi silently watches as Oikawa watches him pour in packet after packet. The result is a drink that's far too sweet, but Oikawa sips at it anyway, pretends this is what he had wanted.

Five minutes pass. Then ten. Oikawa doesn't dare look at Iwaizumi and Iwaizumi doesn't try to catch his eye either. They just sit at the same table, not doing anything, not looking at each other.

It breaks Oikawa's heart.

This isn't how they're supposed to be. They're Iwaizumi and Oikawa. They're two kids who grew up together, have gone through every major milestone together. They're the type of friends who last from cradle to grave and uncomfortable, awkward silences aren't supposed to be a thing between them.

All Oikawa had wanted was for things to go back to normal, but it seems like no matter what he does, normal is becoming more and more a thing of the past.

"…So this is what you wanted?" he says finally, unable to entirely conceal his hurt. "To go back to normal? _This_ is normal now?"

"No, of course not," Iwaizumi says, brow furrowed. "Oikawa—"

"You moved out. You _left_ , Iwaizumi, you—" Oikawa stops to inhale sharply. It's not fair, he knows, to lay all this on Iwaizumi and while he wants to be supportive of this, he feels like his insides are twisting and shredding themselves up. "I'm sorry, but—"

"When we were five years old," Iwaizumi interrupts tiredly, "I made you a promise. It was a really stupid promise. But my parents were trying to take me on a trip and you somehow managed to lock me to the banister in my house. The fire department had to come to free me, but you kept throwing a fit about not wanting me to leave. You were a brat."

Oikawa frowns, but Iwaizumi just smiles and Oikawa finds his expression relaxing.

"I promised I'd come back," Iwaizumi says tiredly. "And I did. It's like that now. Yeah, I moved out. But there are things I have to do, Oikawa."

"But this isn't _normal_ ," Oikawa says, voice tight. "This isn't anywhere near what normal is for us. Like… us sitting here. This is… And the apartment just feels so _wrong_ now. I can't… I haven't been able to sleep there. It's not home anymore. Not without you. How are we supposed to go back to how we always were? I can't…"

Oikawa bites his lip.

"…I can't lose you, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything at first. Oikawa sees him reach for his drink and take an excruciatingly slow sip, setting the ceramic back down on the saucer. "You're not going to," he says finally, looking up at him. "Oikawa… we're growing up, okay? And part of that means having to let go of things in order to save something that's more important."

Iwaizumi offers a smile.

"Being your friend… no, being your _best_ friend means everything to me. And to be able to do that, I need to get over you. So, yeah, I moved out. Yeah, it's not normal. Yeah, it hurts. But I have to if I want to get over how I feel for you so that I can go back to kicking your ass."

Oikawa can't help but laugh at the last part, quiet but genuine and more relaxed than he'd been in weeks. Leaning back in his seat, Oikawa's wearing the most relaxed smile he has since Iwaizumi moved out. His fingers are laced loosely as contemplates what Iwaizumi's just said. He presses his lips into a thin line and focuses on the old coffee stain on the table. "…Promise, Iwa-chan?" he asks in a small voice.

Iwaizumi nods.

"Promise. You're not that great, I'll get over you, don't worry."

Oikawa laughs again; this time it's louder and more confident, leaves him with a smile as he stands. "That's rude, Iwa-chan. I have to go to class, but…" he hesitates and smiles again, in a way that only Iwaizumi can seem to coax out. "I'll see you around, okay?"

And Iwaizumi nods.

Oikawa leaves while smiling, feeling better. He's even considering skipping class to go home and start tidying up, move some things into where Iwaizumi's had been to fill the empty space. There's still a void in his chest but hearing directly from Iwaizumi that they're friends, that they're _best_ friends, is reassuring. There are things where implications are enough, but then there are things that need to be explicitly stated. Oikawa had needed that extra confirmation; it might've been a bit ridiculous and he may have been overreacting (as he looks back with his new found calmer perspective), but there are some things so precious that of course he'll be that scared. Because, Oikawa decides, as long as they're best friends, he'll be okay. What Oikawa can't handle is losing Iwaizumi.

"Ah… I was going to buy a cookie…"

Stopping abruptly, he turns around and retraces his steps. But just as he reaches a hand out open the door, he sees Iwaizumi and Semi standing from the table where he and Iwaizumi had just been talking at. Oikawa doesn't recall seeing Semi there, but maybe he'd been too focused. Or maybe Semi was waiting at another table or, Oikawa realizes with a sinking feeling, Iwaizumi had asked him there because they had plans for after this. When he sees that they're getting ready to leave, he hides; Oikawa can't explain it, but he ducks behind a nearby corner and presses his back to it as much as he can. He hears the door opening and then the familiar sound of Iwaizumi's laughter feels like a stab straight to his gut.

"No, I was talking with Oikawa. I think we'll be okay."

Oikawa smiles.

"That's good. You two are close, huh?"

"We grew up together, so yeah."

"So I'm going to be second to Oikawa all the time?"

Iwaizumi doesn't answer. He doesn't answer, which means he hasn't agreed, but his neglect to answer leaves Oikawa feeling cold because he also doesn't disagree. Unable to help himself, he cranes his neck just in time to see Iwaizumi smiling before he leans up to kiss him.

Oikawa watches Iwaizumi kiss Semi and he swears the world could open up and swallow him whole, burn him alive and that would be less painful than this very moment.

He watches the way Iwaizumi's head tilts, the way his hand cradles Semi's jaw. He watches his best friend kissing someone else and realizes he wishes that it were him, that Iwaizumi were leaning into _him,_ not Semi, that Iwaizumi's mouth is smiling against _his_ , not Semi's. That Iwaizumi is holding _him_ close, not Semi. That he hasn't had that same _jolt_ from a kiss ever since kissing Iwaizumi at sixteen and how he hadn't realized that until now. That every kiss since then hadn't been bad, it just hadn't left him breathless because there's a difference between the physical act of pressing his lips to someone else's and the emotional aspect that a kiss carries. It's not hard to find someone who's good at physically kissing, but searching for _The One_ who can make his knees turn weak is the stuff movies and books are made of and suddenly, Oikawa's very aware that maybe, just maybe-

He stops his thought because this is the last thing he needs right now. Pulling away, he presses his back against the wall and closes his eyes, but he can still see them together.

He knows they're dating. He knows because Iwaizumi's told him and because, well, Oikawa helped orchestrate one of their dates, thus ensuring his success. But he hasn't seen them together until now. This is the first time he's seen it with his own eyes, that they're _really_ together now. And they're kissing, exchanging gentle smiles that only people who are into each other do.

"You think you can get out of answering that question with a kiss?"

"I just did, didn't I?"

And as they walk away, it takes Oikawa everything to not keel over. He manages to sit, sliding down against the wall. With shaking hands, Oikawa pulls out his phone and scrolls down until he finds Kuroo's name.

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_i think i might've lost my best friend_

* * *

"Kuro, why's there an egg in the microwave?"

"Oh, because you're not supposed to microwave them."

"Yeah, so why was it there in the first place?"

"…Because I was about to."

Kuroo Tetsurou's pretty stupid for a very smart person sometimes.

Lips pursing a bit, Kenma decides to let the subject drop and climbs into Kuroo's bed. There's nothing wrong with his own bed; it's fine and probably actually in better shape than Kuroo's. But Kuroo's bed is more comfortable; the sheets seem gentler, the mattress softer, and Kuroo's presence soothing. Kenma usually sleeps in his own bed at night but when it comes to napping, he'll almost always opt for Kuroo's, whether or not he's there.

He hears him laugh quietly but doesn't object to Kenma curling up against him. He'd been reading a book but Kenma notices that Kuroo hasn't turned a page ever since he came out of his room, bed angled so that he could see everything going on in the kitchen. "Bad day?" he asks.

"No," Kenma answers and rests his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes with a content sigh. Kuroo's bed is like Kuroo himself to Kenma; it's soothing and it's gentle and it's something Kenma would willingly lose himself in. It's got this own dimension; Kenma doesn't feel like he's in the same world as everyone else is. He feels like it's just him and Kuroo and that makes him feel safe.

"Kuro?" he broaches quietly.

"Yeah?" Kenma's hand rests on Kuroo's chest and he can feel the vibrations when he answers, sending a slight shiver down Kenma's spine.

"…Iwaizumi and Oikawa are going to be okay, right?" he asks quietly. He doesn't mind Oikawa sleeping on their couch; he really doesn't, but seeing him leaves Kenma feeling anxious. Because this is what happens when someone's rejected; it doesn't matter that Oikawa wasn't the one who was turned down, it just matters that these are two people who have been friends since probably before they could walk and a rejection's torn even them apart.

It's terrifying to him.

"Yeah," Kuroo murmurs without missing a beat. "They'll be fine. Their friendship's strong enough to withstand this, especially now that Oikawa's a little less stupid than before. Still pretty bad though."

"He's in love with Iwaizumi, right?"

"I'm pretty sure the entire world knows except for those two."

Kenma feels a little better with Kuroo's reassurance, but it's not enough to entirely assuage him. Kuroo can tell; he can always tell and Kenma moves to bury his face in the crook of his neck when he feels Kuroo holding him a bit tighter. "Hey, don't worry, okay?" he hears and curls his fingers around the fabric of Kuroo's shirt that's bunching beneath his hand. "Iwaizumi and Oikawa are going to be okay. Oikawa's being a lot less of a snotty little brat."

Kenma still doesn't say anything. He resists at first when he feels Kuroo moving, but after a quiet 'what's wrong?' he gives in. Kenma keeps his head bowed as Kuroo shifts so they're facing each other at eye level. The blanket is up to their cheeks and Kenma's surrounded by warmth: the blanket is warm, the sheets are warm, Kuroo's warm, his entire body is warm. He chews on his bottom lip for a few more moments, but when he feels Kuroo's palm press to his jaw, he looks up.

"Tell me," Kuroo says quietly and the genuine concern lacing his features makes Kenma stop breathing. "Whose ass am I kicking?"

_Your own._

"Nobody's," Kenma mumbles, eyes dropping and pressing his face into the pillow. Kuroo gets the message and when he pulls his hand back, Kenma immediately misses the warmth.

Kuroo stays silent and Kenma's grateful for that. He begins pulling back but Kenma immediately reaches out, grasps his wrist gentle with a silent _stay_. Kuroo nods. _Yeah._ Kenma smiles briefly and moves closer to him, until their foreheads are touching. He closes his eyes before reaching a hand out, fingertips grazing along Kuroo's throat before settling at the hollow between his neck and jaw. He frowns a little without opening his eyes and doesn't flinch when he feels Kuroo take his hand, guide it to his chest, placing it right over his beating heart.

It's been habit since he was young; there's something that's soothing about Kuroo's heartbeat. Maybe because it's so steady. Maybe because it's so strong. Maybe because it's constant. Maybe a combination of all three, maybe none at all. But it's the one thing that's never failed to calm Kenma down, something that grounds him.

(Maybe because it's a constant reminder that Kuroo's alive and Kuroo's here.)

"Better?" Kuroo asks quietly, voice hoarse with his whisper. Kenma nods and he smiles before pulling his hand back.

"Yeah."

"Can I ask something?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you so worried about this? Are you really worried about Oikawa and Iwaizumi or…?" Kuroo's voice trails off and Kenma feels his stomach lurch.

_Are you worried about us?_

That's not something Kenma can answer without exploiting something else.

Kenma's eyes fall to a particular crease in the sheets. Kuroo's always been patient; he doesn't push the question or ask again and Kenma can feel his eyes on him as he tugs and pushes at the sheets, straightening then creasing over and over again. Finally, he swallows thickly and looks up. Ignoring the fact that his heart is beating so quickly he feels nauseous:

"If you were Oikawa, would you have wanted Iwaizumi to confess?"

Kuroo hesitates and he's searching Kenma's expression. Kenma's not the easiest person to read, but Kuroo can have him more or less figured out. It's not a hundred percent, but Kuroo can usually figure out what his expressions mean. He knows what Kenma is really thinking most of the time and while it can be annoying, it can also be nice to just have him _know._

Kuroo, on the other hand, can be a labyrinth and a minefield.

"…Am I the Oikawa who's dense as hell or has realized his feelings?" he asks slowly.

"You're just…" Kenma's voice is hoarse and it almost cracks despite his attempt to keep it calm. "...You're just Oikawa."

Kuroo still has that unreadable expression. "…Right. Then…"

Kuroo sighs and Kenma can feel his entire body trembling when he hears:

"Yeah, I'd want to know."

Kenma honestly has no idea what Kuroo's thinking right now. He thinks he can fathom based on his answer, the way he's watching him, the question he asked, but he's not sure he's willing to trust all those signs. Because for all he knows, he could be blinded by faith and optimism. Kenma's not much of a _what if_ person; he takes things at face value and that's what he acts on. But Kuroo isn't some everyday, little problem; Kuroo is a human being who can be annoyingly complicated and impossible to read. Kuroo is the biggest _what if_ in Kenma's life and he might just be worth taking the risk of their friendship. So Kenma's weighing the pros and cons right now, trying to determine if it's time for instinct to triumph over reason. And at first he thinks it's reason; it's safer and while he gains nothing, he wouldn't lose the most important thing and person to him.

But Kuroo swallows and Kenma's staring at his lips, so everything goes out the window.

It's like an out of body experience. Kenma's body moves before his mind can think to stop; the feeling of his palm pressing to Kuroo's chest to coax him onto his back barely registers. Kenma's skin feels like it's electric and every time any part of him brushes something, it intensifies.

But when he's touching Kuroo, it's like he's on _fire._

"Kenma…"

He reads his name off of Kuroo's lips more than hears it. Kenma's over him now; their legs are tangled and Kenma has both hands on either side of Kuroo, feels Kuroo's hands resting gingerly on his hips. Somewhere in the back of his mind, there's a small voice of reason telling him to stop, yelling at him to stop, begging him to stop, but Kenma ignores it. He's got adrenaline now; that's all he needs, he thinks, and that's all that matters.

Fingers curling, sheets bunching under his hands, Kenma realizes only after he's started to that he's leaning down. Kuroo's eyes close and Kenma can feel his shallow breathing, see every lash contrast against his skin. Kuroo's good looking. Kuroo's beautiful. Kuroo's everything Kenma's ever wanted, Kuroo's everything Kenma didn't know he wanted.

The one thing that's always stood out about Kuroo is how understanding he is. He's never pushed Kenma; he seems to just innately know where that line is between encouraging him to stretch his boundaries and when to stop because it'll make him uncomfortable. Nothing with Kuroo has ever been forced or pressured; being with Kuroo just naturally coaxes Kenma out of his shell. He wouldn't be where he is without Kuroo. He wouldn't be who he is without Kuroo.

He's so in love with Kuroo that he's out of his shell because all that love never would've fit.

Even now, Kuroo's hands on his hips are only to steady him. They're not insinuating anything else and the way his eyes close keep from adding any pressure. Kenma loves Kuroo so, so much. More than anything. More than anyone.

Their noses brush and it becomes very real, very apparent that he's about to kiss the person he's in love with and tell him that he's in love with him. Kenma's eyes are about to close when a bright light catches his attention and he'll later blame human instinct to stealing a glance.

Because it's Kuroo's phone.

It's Kuroo's phone lighting up with a text from Oikawa.

It's Kuroo's phone lighting up with a text from Oikawa that says:

**From: princess-chan**

_i think i might've lost my best friend_

And he stops.

The magic is gone. The trance is broken. The voice is loud. The desperation is there. The command is heard and the command is obeyed.

Kenma stops and he jerks back, breathes 'sorry.' The hurt that flickers over Kuroo's expression breaks Kenma's heart into more pieces than the universe could hold. He looks away quickly and moves off of him, agilely climbing off the bed. But just as his feet touch the carpet and carry him to the threshold of Kuroo's room, Kuroo's arms are around him and he's pulled back into a crushing embrace that might just be enough to keep him from falling apart.

Kenma can't breathe.

Kuroo's warm. He's intoxicating; he always has been. Usually being in his arms like this is nothing but calming for Kenma, but right now all he can do is stiffen and bite his lip to try not to cry. Because if he cries, Kuroo's never going to let go and right now he wants him to let go because he can't bear to be in this room with him, so close to him, so close to what almost could've been.

"Let go," he chokes.

"Not until you answer my question, Kenma."

"Let _go,_ Kuro—"

"Kenma," Kuroo says, his voice sounding strained. "Tell me… are you in love with m—"

The door slams open, loud and sudden enough for Kuroo to jolt and loosen his grip. Kenma slips out and into his shoes, grabbing his keys and phone and hurrying out. Oikawa looks a bit perplexed; he stares after Kenma and then turns to Kuroo. "Did I… interrupt?"

"…No," Kuroo says after a moment too long and clears his throat. He strains to give a smile but he knows Oikawa's seen through it. "Uh… what's up?"

"What happened?"

"I really don't—"

"Tell me."

Kuroo hesitates but he nods, eyes lingering on the door. Walking over to the couch, he gingerly sits down on it. With elbows on his knees, his hands go up to his hair, fingers threading through the dark strands. "…He was about to kiss me," Kuroo says and swallows. Oikawa sits next to him. "He was… he was going to kiss me, Oikawa. Just… he doesn't do that. Ever. He'd never do that. The stuff he was saying, the questions he was asking, I think…"

His heart is hammering in his chest as he remembers Kenma leaning down, the feeling of his hair tickling Kuroo's cheek. His questions and his answers, the way he'd been looking at him are all imprinted in Kuroo's brain and everything jerked to a stop when he remembers how quickly Kenma had pulled back. Kuroo's throat is suddenly very, very dry and as his hands fall away; he forgets to breathe altogether, though managing to say:

"…I think he might feel the same way."

And when he looks up, Oikawa's smiling in a way that feels like a sucker punch straight to the gut. Of course, he thinks. Kuroo gives a breathless laugh, one that sucks all the air out of his lungs, and he buries his face in his hands. "Oh, god… _fuck_. I… you knew? All this time?" he asks weakly.

Oikawa nods. "…He asked me not to tell," Oikawa says quietly, gently bumping his shoulder against Kuroo's. "But yeah. All this time."

"I… why did he stop?" Kuroo mumbles, staring at his palms. "Just… I mean, I didn't stop him. I don't _think_ I gave any hints unless… unless it's because I wasn't being forward enough? But, damnit, I didn't want to scare him or make him feel like I was pushing for something-oh god-what the hell did I even do, how could I do something without knowing I did it, what-unless," Kuroo pauses and his eyes widen. "Unless… he realized he doesn't want to be with me—"

"Where's your phone?" Oikawa asks suddenly.

Kuroo freezes and then very slowly turns to Oikawa. His expression's frozen as he stares at him, wondering why Oikawa cares about his phone, realizing that it has to be something important if he brings it up now. He swallows thickly. "…On my bed," he says slowly, straightening and narrows his eyes at the way Oikawa's looking at him. "…Right next to me, where he would've…"

Oikawa swallows.

"...Seen it," Kuroo finishes. "What the _fuck_ did you do, Oikawa?"

Oikawa fidgets, pushing his bangs away from his face.

"…I texted you."

It seems innocent enough, Kuroo thinks. "…What did you text me?" he asks next.

Oikawa doesn't say anything to that, so Kuroo just watches as he stands and goes to the bedroom. He returns with the device and Kuroo's still silent as he watches Oikawa unlock his phone-how he knows his password, he really doesn't know-and even though Oikawa hasn't said anything else, Kuroo's got a growing pit of dread in his stomach. And when Oikawa holds up his phone to the message, Kuroo just blinks. "...I didn't reject him," he says after a moment. "Why would… why'd that freak him out-"

"Did you tell him how you feel?" Oikawa asks softly, but it's only in his volume, not the way he says it.

"No," Kuroo answers after a beat. "I was going to—"

"Then he got scared."

Oikawa taps a few times on his phone and when he offers it to Kuroo, it's on Kenma's contact information, just one more step away from a call. "He got scared. Because it's terrifying to be that vulnerable and even though _you_ know you weren't going to reject him and _you_ knew what signs you were giving, all of that to Pudding-chan was still speculation. He could've thought that he was reading too much into things and remembering what happened between Iwa-chan and me…"

Oikawa stops and Kuroo's heart jumps to his throat at the way he looks crestfallen, at the idea of this is how Kenma's feeling right now. Shaking his head after a moment, Oikawa clears his throat.

"…He has to hear it from you. Directly. Bluntly. Leave no room for misinterpretation or speculation."

Kuroo nods stiffly and takes Oikawa's phone with shaking hands. Just pressing call feels impossibly hard; but once it starts ringing, he feels his nerves dissipating. His free hand comes up to his face as he calms his breathing, is grateful for Oikawa's presence next to him.

Because this phone call, right here and right now, has the potential to change everything. Everything makes sense suddenly; he'd been wondering why Kenma had been acting this way, but his actions left Kuroo this tingling, bumbling, moronic mess, so he hadn't been able to really piece everything together. But now that he knew, it was like the puzzle was finally coming together, how both of them had been hiding the same secret all this time, how now that he knew, he could fit them together.

"Kenma," he says when he hears the click, straightening. "Kenma, I need to-

"Kuro," Kenma interrupts and even though _I'm in love with you_ is on the tip of his tongue, the way Kenma sounds has Kuroo stopping. "Kuro, just… forget what happened."

"What? No, look—"

"Forget what happened," Kenma repeats and Kuroo visibly flinches, can't bring himself to look at Oikawa's inquiring face. His palms are sweating even though his body feels cold. "Just… okay? Please. For me. Forget it. I don't want to talk about it."

"Kenma, listen, I'm i—"

"Don't say anything."

"Just let me-"

"Kuro, _please_ , okay?"

Kenma's only begged Kuroo once in his life for anything and it was when they were in middle school, when Kuroo finds Kenma curled up and crying because of some bullies. He'd been so mad he was ready to beat the life out of them had it not been for Kenma's hand on the hem of his jacket. _Please_ , he'd begged, _don't._

_"I can't fucking let them get away with-!"_

_"Don't. Okay? I need you here with me right now. Kuro, they're not worth it—"_

_"Those sons of bitches-!"_

_"I need you right now. Please. Don't leave."_

Because Kuroo would change the entire world for Kenma, but that's only if he wanted it. He'd do anything, only if he wanted; what Kenma wants, to Kuroo, matters more than anything else. And when he wants something _this badly_ , Kuroo can't find it in himself to not give it to him, as long as it's in his power.

Even if it's killing him.

Because maybe, Kuroo realizes numbly, Kenma may have been scared at the prospect of rejection, but now he realizes he doesn't want to be with him. Maybe coming so close was what he needed; love isn't always enough, Kuroo knows, and there are some things that aren't worth risking. And while he wants to be with Kenma, if Kenma doesn't, if there's any part of Kenma that's lingering or has doubts, Kuroo won't push him and will stay his best friend forever, take his feelings to the grave with him.

Because telling him, he realizes, would complicate this. It might guilt him into being with him and there's nothing worse than being with someone when they don't want to.

It's all speculation, Kuroo realizes, but sometimes speculation's right.

What it comes down to is what Kenma wants, and if Kenma wants this, Kuroo can't say no.

"…You're sure?" Kuroo finally asks and feels his heart breaking when he hears Kenma's confirmation. He clenches his fist and nods, bowing his head and swallowing. "…All right, then. For you."

"What?" he hears Oikawa ask immediately when he hangs up, is just staring at the screen. "Wait, what—just _tell_ —"

"No," Kuroo says sharply, looking up tiredly. "…No, he doesn't want to talk about it. He wants to stay as friends. I don't know why, but… that's fine. I'm fine with it."

Oikawa's not as easily convinced. "But what if it's—"

"It doesn't matter, Oikawa," Kuroo snaps, rubbing his face. "It doesn't matter _why_. Kenma doesn't want to. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is the universe fucking me over just one last time or it's karma for fucking you, but… he doesn't want to, so… drop it. Okay?"

He has no idea what happened. He doesn't know how to fix it and while confessing is all he wants to do now, Kenma wants everything forgotten. And maybe his confession is what Kenma needs, but maybe it's not. Maybe it'll make things worse because not everyone's who's mutually in love ends up together.

Kuroo wants to be with Kenma, but only if Kenma wants to.

"…Not okay," Oikawa mumbles tightly, but that's the last thing he says before Kuroo leans his head on his shoulder and Oikawa rests his arm around his shoulders. "...Tetsu-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"...If this is karma for sleeping with me, I'm sorry."

Kuroo laughs weakly.

"It's my fault too. I'll only half beat your ass."

* * *

_"I did something stupid."_

_"What did you do?"_

_"What you did."_

Kozume Kenma shows up at Iwaizumi Hajime's doorstep and he lets him in without question. He ushers him over to the couch and brings over two glasses of water; Kenma's shaking, he notices, and he's biting his lip so harshly Iwaizumi worries about him drawing blood. He mumbles 'thanks' at the water but doesn't even so much as glance at it. Iwaizumi goes over to his computer to stop the video he'd been watching because a cooking competition as background noise doesn't seem quite right. When he comes back, Kenma's still got that wide eyed expression and shallow breathing.

"…You confessed to Kuroo?" Iwaizumi ventures slowly.

"Yeah. No."

Kenma takes a shaky breath.

"…I almost kissed him, which is essentially the same thing. But then I stopped because Oikawa sent this text and I just…"

He trails off and all Iwaizumi needs to know is that Oikawa's the one who sent a text and nods, leaning back.

"You don't want to lose your friendship him the way we may have lost ours," he murmurs.

Kenma frowns a little.

"…Sorry."

"No, it's fine," Iwaizumi says and musters a smile. "Did Kuroo say anything to the kiss?"

He shakes his head. "No. I pulled back and he asked if I'm in love with him, but Oikawa came back so I just went to my room," he recounts. "Then when I heard Oikawa go into his room, I left and came here."

Kenma gives another shaky breath that shudders his entire frame. He brings a hand up to run through his hair and Iwaizumi's never seen him frazzled like this; Kenma's usually composed and put together. He's the one in their group who's _calm_. He's already said more than he usually does; his voice is shaking and Iwaizumi frowns, wishes he knew what to do to help him calm down.

"I don't know how I'm going to face him," Kenma continues, voice quiet but nearly cracking. "I don't even know why I thought it was a good idea. He said that he'd rather know if someone had feelings for him and he'd be able to go back to treating them how he always did, but…"

"Yeah," Iwaizumi mumbles, looking away. "It's hard for them to. But Kuroo's a good guy and he cares about you. Maybe if you talked—"

"I can't lose him."

"What if you didn't? What if he feels the same—"

"He doesn't," Kenma interjects and Iwaizumi stops immediately. "I'm not… I'm just his best friend. He goes after people like Oikawa. Not…"

Kenma stops.

"…I just want him as my best friend. I want to stay like that. I can't lose him."

Iwaizumi has to look away. It's on the tip of his tongue, that Kuroo feels the same way about him, but it's not his secret to tell. Kenma came to him to get away from Kuroo, and Iwaizumi doesn't know if it's his place to meddle and try to send him back. Because not everything should be taken at face value; maybe Kenma's reason for not wanting to be with Kuroo is something unrelated entirely, maybe him knowing how Kuroo feels will make everything worse. Iwaizumi doesn't want to take that risk; he doesn't want Kuroo and Kenma's friendship to follow a trajectory anything similar to his and Oikawa's.

His nails dig into the flesh of his palm and he swallows thickly at last, nodding. "…Just give it some time, okay?" he says finally, looks over. "If you just want to be friends, I mean. A lot has happened so..."

Kenma frowns and opens his mouth, phone buzzing cutting him off. He hesitates and then shakes his head as he picks up. Iwaizumi frowns a bit but nods; it's his decision after all, he thinks as he goes into another room to give him his privacy until he hears him hang up; coming back from the kitchen with a slice of apple pie he's grateful Kindaichi bought on a whim, he offers Kenma a small smile. "...Here. It's not much, but hopefully it helps."

Kenma thanks him quietly and picks up the fork but doesn't reach towards the plate. He mumbles an apology and Iwaizumi shakes his head immediately.

"No, don't apologize. It's fine. I'm glad you came to me."

Kenma offers a small smile. He picks up the glass and Iwaizumi watches him trace his finger around the rim slowly; he's back to worrying his bottom lip with his teeth and it's quiet for a bit.

Kindaichi's out and Iwaizumi's glad for it. The last thing Kenma needs is for Kindaichi to be around, trying to help but possibly smothering him with a snack platter. Iwaizumi thinks the reason he and Kenma get along well are because they're both more mellow; when they're upset, they know that sometimes they want to talk, sometimes they don't. Iwaizumi's entirely fine just being there for him as a physical presence; it's what he'd want from Kenma. It's what Kenma does for him.

He takes another sip of water and doesn't even bat an eye when he hears Kenma's voice, low and quiet.

"...Is it possible? Moving on?"

Iwaizumi thinks about Semi. About spending time with him, how it makes him happy, how it makes him feel relaxed. How things are still nice and easy with Semi and it's effortless, which is all Iwaizumi's ever wanted in a relationship.

And then he thinks about Oikawa and his smile, his stupid hiccuping laughs and dramatic expressions. He thinks about how he's moving on by dating someone else and moving out, but would still drop everything for Oikawa if he asked. Or even if he didn't.

He thinks about Semi. Easy, effortless Semi.

He thinks about Oikawa. Complicated, messy Oikawa.

Iwaizumi gives a small smile, ruffles Kenma's hair.

"…Honestly, I have no idea."

"Because moving on would mean someone else being your most important?" Kenma asks and looks up.

Iwaizumi nods. "Yeah."

"So could Semi…?"

Iwaizumi doesn't even have to think. He just sighs.

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah," Iwaizumi mumbles. "I know. I haven't been with him for that long, but… I just know. Maybe I could fall in love with him, who knows. But… to Oikawa, I really don't see him coming before him. Of course, that's not something I can tell him."

"...Oh."

Iwaizumi smiles tiredly. "That's not the answer you were hoping for, huh?"

Kenma shakes his head and chews on his lip. "Hey, Iwaizumi?"

"Yeah?"

"...Can I stay here?"

Iwaizumi nods.

"Already set up the futon in my room."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the ball finally starts rolling despite seeming to have rolled straight into a rock
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos and comments are adored ♥


	13. little more help than a little bit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa tooru is a remarkably patient person, which is surprising considering he’s constantly testing other people’s.

Oikawa's avoiding Iwaizumi and Kenma's avoiding Kuroo, so it makes perfect sense that they hang out together.

"Want a drink?"

"No."

"A shot?"

"No."

"…Water?"

"Yeah."

"Boring."

But Oikawa doesn't try to argue with him. Instead, he goes to the kitchen, returning with a glass of water for Kenma and a soda for himself. He'd bumped into him on campus a few days after everything had happened; Kuroo and Kenma weren't speaking, as Oikawa knew from Kuroo constantly asking how Kenma was doing. Oikawa was honest when he replied that he didn't know; Kenma _was_ speaking to him, though with even fewer words than before. After dragging him to a café, Oikawa offered Kenma his apartment. He'd frowned and stirred his hot chocolate.

" _I'm staying with Iwaizumi."_

" _I know," Oikawa says easily and smiles. "But I know what Kindaichi's apartment looks like and I know Pudding-chan would like a bit more space and privacy, right?"_

_Kenma hesitates and nods after a long moment._

"… _I'll move my stuff in after class today."_

Oikawa opens the door later that night to two people, one whom he expects and one whom he doesn't. It feels like the air's sucked out of his lungs for a moment when he sees Iwaizumi but smiles and steps aside so Kenma can enter and head into what used to be Iwaizumi's old room, furniture left but other belongings gone.

_"Thanks for walking him here, Iwa-chan."_

_"Yeah," Iwaizumi nods and Oikawa notes that he doesn't leave or give any signs of wanting to. "…How are you?"_

_"I'm fine."_

_"Oi—"_

_"Half off movies tomorrow night," Oikawa interjects and takes a step back, unable to hide the hurt from Iwaizumi but still able to smile genuinely. "Iwa-chan always said his favorite part of the week is movies on Fridays. I can't make it tomorrow, but you and Semi-chan should go."_

_Iwaizumi hesitates but he nods. But just as Oikawa's about to close the door, Iwaizumi's palm thuds loudly against it. Startled, Oikawa opens it again and stares at him._

_"Oikawa," Iwaizumi says and Oikawa has to look away, "…you know that I still care about you, right?"_

_"Iwa-chan," he mumbles, "is this supposed to be revenge?"_

Iwaizumi's confused but can see that Oikawa doesn't want to explain, so he eventually leaves. Oikawa's still standing with his back against the door when Kenma comes out to ask if he has a spare toothbrush; he takes one look at him before walking over, sighing before wrapping his arms around him. Oikawa laughs softly, ruffling his hair.

_"This is rare. What's up, Pudding-chan?"_

_"You look like you could use one."_

"Playing?" Oikawa asks and stares at the screen of Kenma's computer.

"Working."

"Ah."

Oikawa watches Kenma's screen for a bit longer it gets too overwhelming; he's a chemist, not a coder, and is still trying to readjust his eyes when he feels his phone buzzing against his leg. He steals a glance to reaffirm that Kenma's entirely preoccupied. Seeing the way the letters quickly appear on the screen leave Oikawa feeling a little overwhelmed and dazed, so he looks away, blinks slowly as he pulls out his phone.

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_is kenma there?_

He folds one ankle over the other knee and begins texting his response. "Pudding-chan, is Iwa-chan's old room all right?" he asks, casually. "Enough blankets?"

"Yeah," Kenma replies without looking over.

Oikawa beams, pauses his texting to look over.

"You can sleep with me if you get lonely!"

Kenma frowns, fingers never once stilling.

"I heard you sleep like a leech."

"Tetsu-chan's a liar!"

"Iwaizumi says it too."

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_yes_

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_i'm looking after him for you, don't worry. just don't do anything stupid like come over unannounced_

"But Pudding-chan," Oikawa pouts playfully and looks over after he's done. " _I_ get lonely."

Kenma huffs quietly. He's wearing one of Oikawa's old sweaters; he hadn't brought much clothing with him, mainly because he hadn't intended on staying more than a few days. But almost a week has passed and he still doesn't want to go back, so Oikawa's introduced Kenma to their washing machine and lent him whatever he needs. Everything's a bit big on him, which Oikawa teases him about, and Kenma just mumbles he's used to oversized clothing.

_"Oh? Pudding-chan doesn't know his own clothing sizes?"_

Kenma's answer had been short and succinct, but said with pursed lips that leave Oikawa feeling guilty for not having known the answer and sparing the question.

_"Kuro."_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_can i call?_

Oikawa's thumb lingers over his phone for a moment before typing out his response, though holding off on sending. He looks over again; Kenma's still engrossed in his code and Oikawa can't help but watch fondly for a bit. It's one of the few times Kenma doesn't seem to realize; otherwise he would've snapped at him to stop. "I'm going to go to the vending machines," Oikawa announces when he starts feeling dizzy again and stands. "Want anything?"

"No."

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_yeah_

The call is almost immediate; Oikawa waits until he's a safe distance before answering, steps hurrying so he can answer it in time. He's sure Kuroo's fretting on the other end by the time Oikawa answers, keeping his voice low even though he's already in the staircase. It echoes and he peeks over the railing to see if anyone else is there. "Tetsu-chan, stop calling all the time. Pudding-chan's going to start noticing if he hasn't already."

"Yeah, sorry." He doesn't sound sorry. "How is he?"

"Well, I'm fine, Tetsu-chan, thanks," Oikawa proclaims dramatically.

" _Oikawa_ ," Kuroo says, voice hinging on desperate and Oikawa feels a bit bad about teasing him. Sighing, he stops when he's on the second flight of stairs. Oikawa's palm just barely skims over the handrail and his gut twists, remembering all the times he and Iwaizumi have gone up and down these stairs as part of a grueling workout.

He lifts his hand. "He's fine," Oikawa says after clearing his throat. "Staying in Iwa-chan's old room, eating normally, constantly working. Normal Pudding-chan activities."

"Upset?"

"Well, Tetsu-chan, if I'm going to be honest, _yes_ ," he answers bluntly. "You haven't spoken to him? Wait," he says and scrunches his nose, "where are you? It's so loud."

"Oh," Kuroo answers. "Café by the chem building. Anyway, He wants space from me," he continues and Oikawa can imagine him rubbing his face. "So I haven't contacted him. I just… he hasn't been home. I thought he'd be home by now. Has he said anything?"

Kuroo sounds like an overbearing parent but Oikawa thinks he can imagine how it feels. He realizes this is how Iwaizumi must've felt when Oikawa stayed at Kuroo and Kenma's after his confession; it drives the stake deeper into his gut, remembering the way he'd treated his best friend. He sighs and pushes his bangs back. "No. You know how he is; he's not going to talk about it, especially if I try pushing him. Why don't you tell him how you feel?" he suggests for probably the third time since everything happened.

"Because I don't know if he wants to hear that right now. I don't know if it'll make things better or infinitely worse and I'm not going to take that chance and upset him."

"But—"

"He's freaked out and what he needs is for me to stay there as his friend, okay?" Kuroo says, voice sounding a bit sharp. "I want him to know but I can't tell him. Not right now. Maybe not ever. And just… I really, _really_ fucked things up. I want to apologize because… because if I knew he felt the same way, I never would've hooked up with you. I want to make sure he knows that. Not even because maybe we'd be together because there's no guarantee of that, just… I don't want him to think I'm this gigantic inconsiderate piece of shit and-"

"I'm sure he knows that," Oikawa says quietly, cutting him off calmly. "Tetsu-chan, Pudding-chan knows you'd never hurt him knowingly. Everyone knows you'd never hurt him willingly. Even when you realize you did so without knowing it, you react like this. You're a good guy, okay? Especially to him. You're the best guy to him. You'd do anything for him; if he died, you'd die. Everyone knows that, including him. I'm the one who never should've suggested it."

"Yeah," Kuroo says, "you're a real asshole."

"…I can't see your face right now but—"

"I'm pissed."

"Oh."

"But also at myself," he continues, voice sounding tired again. "We slept together, thinking it would help things, but really, all four of us just got fucked."

"…Yeah," Oikawa mumbles, kicking at the ground. His frown deepens. The stake is twisting again and he swallows, but all that does it hurt his throat.

"…Sorry. Really, Tetsu-chan. I'm sorry."

And Kuroo's sigh is long and drawn out, but he ultimately says 'it's fine' and Oikawa manages a little smile, eyes half lidded as he scuffs the front of his shoe against the barren ground. "I'll find a way to make it up to you, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

Oikawa continues down another flight of stairs in silence. He can hear Kuroo breathing on the other end of the line, but it's shallow and almost silent. He presses his lips into a thin line until the last few steps. It's strange, he thinks, to be on the phone with Kuroo while Kenma's upstairs, sitting in the living room. They haven't spoken to each other, their relationship has probably never been this strained, and Oikawa has the one piece of information that could solve _everything_. And yet he's holding onto it out of loyalty, even though it's making them miserable.

And, he realizes, Kuroo's technically never said outright to not tell Kenma the way Kenma told him.

"…Tetsu-chan," Oikawa says lightly, pushing open the door once he's reached the lobby and veers towards the vending machine, "has it ever occurred to you that you might be very awfully, entirely, totally wrong?"

Kuroo gives a quiet, defeated laugh. "I'll come over there and hit you," he mumbles.

Kuroo means to tease him but his voice is weak and soft. Oikawa doesn't say anything else; he sandwiches his phone between his ear and shoulder as he fishes out the appropriate amount of change, makes two transactions to buy a cookies and chips. He anchors the snacks under his arm afterward, free hand holding his phone as he heads back towards the stairwell. "Tetsu-chan, you've always been acting as a hero to Pudding-chan," he says finally. "And it's sweet. You're always looking out for him. But Pudding-chan's not this tiny kid anymore. You can't spend the rest of your life treating him as one. He can handle being hurt."

"I don't want to be the one to hurt—"

"I know," Oikawa says quietly as he ascends. "But you might be hurting him more than you're protecting him."

All Oikawa hears for a while is Kuroo's breathing from the other end of the line. He doesn't say anything and Oikawa slows down a bit. The entire situation feels a little bit surreal to him; Kuroo and Kenma had always seemed like this constant. They've always been together. They hardly fight. This doesn't feel real and he wonders that maybe this is how they had perceived his friendship with Iwaizumi. It's almost a mirror image and Oikawa didn't realize his heart could feel even heavier.

Oikawa wonders when everything got so complicated.

Stopping at the door that opens to his floor, Oikawa leans against the wall. "Hey, Tetsu-chan?"

"Yeah," comes the answer, voice gruff and soft.

"Right now… what do you want?"

Kuroo doesn't say anything at first. Oikawa shifts so his back presses against the wall next to the door, one arm folding over his chest as the other holds his phone to his ear.

"I really just want him to know," he says finally. "Not even to get together or anything, I just want him to know that I feel the same way he does. I know that just because two people are in love with each other, it doesn't guarantee they'll get together. Or stay together. Of course I want to be with him, but more than that, I don't want him to think his feelings are one sided. Because he's not unloved, nowhere even close, and just—it kills me he might think that right now."

"What if you told him later?" Oikawa asks. "Maybe in a week? Or a month? Or even a year?"

"I don't know," Kuroo sighs with a heavy sigh. "I don't… I don't know if I'll ever get a chance. He wants me to forget what happened. I feel like that's also his way of asking to shut down _anything_ that would even hint in romance between us and…"

"You don't want to risk being the one who hurts him," Oikawa finishes and Kuroo just mumbles his agreement. He closes his eyes and smiles slightly. "…All right. Well, I have to get back before he gets suspicious, so I'm going to hang up, okay?"

"All right. Oh, one more thing."

"Yeah?"

"Iwaizumi wants me to ask why the hell you're avoiding him."

"Bye!"

"Wait, asshole, don't hang up on—"

He hangs up on Kuroo.

He'd already expected Kuroo and Iwaizumi to be talking; the same way the avoiders are together, the avoidees also are. Oikawa will admit he's been avoiding Iwaizumi; he purposely takes longer ways to class so he knows there's no chance of Iwaizumi being there, just straight up turning and walking away if Iwaizumi sees him. Oikawa's good at mixing into a crowd, considering how he's usually the one who stands out, and manages to lose him easily. He answers his texts enough so that he knows he's alive, but not enough to answer his questions.

Because whenever Oikawa thinks about Iwaizumi, his stomach feels like it's knotting and he feels nauseous.

It had started as Iwaizumi wanting space, turning to Oikawa not being able to stand being around him, to Oikawa deciding to grant him the space. Because what Iwaizumi wants, Oikawa will try to do. He can discern the difference between Iwaizumi _needing_ something (to which he'll obviously reply) or him _wanting_ something (to which he'll distance himself from.) Maybe Iwaizumi doesn't realize what he's doing. Maybe it's habit. But that space is needed if his relationship with Semi is going to grow and despite all of Oikawa's negative feelings, Semi _does_ seem to make him happy.

So there's really only one thing for Oikawa to do; it's the best friend's duty to help out in the romantic life, after all.

"Pudding-chan!" he announces his return brightly. "Cookies or chips?"

"Cookies."

Oikawa pulls a face and Kenma laughs softly after a quick glance.

"We'll share both."

Oikawa takes the liberty of opening both bags and takes a cookie, glancing at Kenma. He can just imagine Kuroo anguishing in the café right now, making his awful hair even worse, bags under his crazed eyes. There are very few reasons why Kuroo would get worked up, but Kenma is definitely one of them. Oikawa's watched him go into overdrive if Kenma's so much as running a slight fever. Kuroo Tetsurou can be remarkably calm ten minutes before the biggest exam in his college career but if his best friend's temperature is more than one degree above normal, he'll endure countless of sleepless nights and drop everything for him.

It's amazing, Oikawa thinks, how much Kuroo cares for Kenma. It's like he'd lay down the foundation for an entirely different world if that's what Kenma wanted. He'd spend the rest of his life trying to do the impossible for this person and Oikawa thinks that's a little ridiculous and straight out of a fairy tail until he realizes:

If Iwaizumi wanted the world to stop, Oikawa would do anything he could. Obviously he can't stop time; gravity's a hell of a force and try as he might, Oikawa can't counter it. It's a hell of a force, but Iwaizumi's a hell of a person, someone who's worth it. So Oikawa would stop the clocks. Stop people. Make them freeze. Pay them if he has to. If, for some reason, Iwaizumi seriously needs the world to stop, Oikawa will make as much of it stop as he can. He'll even board them up in a room with one light in the same position to act as the sun.

He can't really make time stop, but he'll make time stop.

_"Because obviously this is how best friends act,"_ Kuroo had sarcastically remarked when Oikawa explained something of a similar vein.

Eyes half lidded, Oikawa presses his lips into a thin line. He gives his phone a cursory glance. There's no new text and he wonders if Kuroo's fiddling with his phone, staring at it with his chat with Kenma pulled up. Kuroo's never had much trouble talking to people; he's charismatic and smooth at speaking, an occasionally lethal combination. But with Kenma, it's even more effortless. Oikawa can tell; he and Kuroo get along well, but Kuroo and Kenma are different. Oikawa's never seen Kuroo more relaxed than when talking to Kenma, whether in person or texting, so to imagine him staring at his phone and unable to bring himself to say anything makes him sad.

That's not how best friends, whether or not lovers, should act.

Oikawa clears his throat.

"So, Pudding-chan, can I ask you something?"

"I guess," Kenma mumbles.

"What are you scared of with Tetsu-chan?"

It actually takes a lot to divert Kenma's attention from whatever game he's working on. Oikawa's seen and heard Kuroo bang pots and pans to try to distract him, only for Kenma to keep working without so much as an extra blink. So when Kenma's fingers stop and hover over the keyboard, Oikawa knows he's hit a nerve, half expects Kenma to reach out and shove him off the couch.

"…I don't want to talk about it," Kenma says at last, frowning a bit.

Oikawa sighs. "You don't have to tell me everything. I know I'm not Tetsu-chan. But you're one of my closest friends and so is he. I want to make sure you two make it through this all right."

"…Instead of how things are between you and Iwaizumi?" Kenma returns and Oikawa flinches a bit with a slight frown.

"We're not talking about me and Iwa-chan," he says coolly and looks over to challenge Kenma's gaze. "This isn't something you can avoid, okay? This isn't something where you can just assume worst case scenario and go with it. You need to talk about it."

Oikawa watches the tips of Kenma's fingers rest on his keyboard again and he runs a hand through his hair because it looks like Kenma's going to go back to work after all. Closing his eyes, he leans back so his head is resting along the couch, neck arching. The sounds of tapping fill the room and Oikawa's about to just go to plan B, which is to blurt everything out, when the tapping stops and he hears the very definite sound of a laptop being closed.

"I'm scared of being rejected."

Kenma bites his lip and his fingers curl, knuckles pressed against the top of his laptop.

"Of losing him. I can't face him right now. Not after… I just can't."

"Pudding-chan," Oikawa says kindly and moves over, offering a lopsided smile. "You know Tetsu-chan would never think differently of you, right? You could call him up and say that you killed someone and he'd just say he'll bring the acid over."

Kenma's brow furrows. "Acid?"

"Of course. To get rid of the body. Even if you cut it up, the pieces will probably still be found"

"…That's morbid. You're twisted."

"I'm _prepared_ ," Oikawa clarifies and he grins when Kenma gives a tired smile. But it fades quickly and he moves only to put his computer on the coffee table. Afterwards, he leans back against the couch and pulls his knees up to his chest. "…I can't imagine what I'd do if Kuro rejects me," Kenma says quietly. "I know it's stupid and I shouldn't be afraid of that, but… Kuro's always accepted me. No matter what. And that…"

"He's your rock and you don't know what would happen if he wasn't there."

Kenma nods.

"…Yeah."

_He's in love with you._

Oikawa's mouth opens but the words won't come out; it's somehow much more difficult than he had anticipated to tell Kuroo's secret. Inhaling sharply, he closes it and frowns. "So, Tetsu-chan told me what happened," he starts and sees Kenma flinch a bit. He apologizes quietly for being so blunt and moves closer until their arms are brushing. When Kenma doesn't pull away, Oikawa reaches up to ruffle his hair. "Based on what he said… he didn't give you any reason to think he doesn't feel the same way, right?"

"It's _Kuro_."

"No, I know, he can be stupid but—"

"Not that," Kenma mumbles and Oikawa blinks. "It's…"

Kenma stops again and this time he buries his face in his arms. "…He's too kind."

"…Eh?"

"I think the reason he didn't stop me is because he doesn't want to hurt me," Kenma says quietly after lifting his head, looking exhausted. "…Because he's always been like that. He… he puts how I feel before himself. Yeah, he didn't stop me or anything, but it was just going to be a kiss. To him, that's probably nothing, so he figured it was all right to let me. But if I actually confessed… Kuro's kind, but it's because he's kind that he wouldn't lead me on. If I confessed and he doesn't feel the same way, he'd definitely be honest about it. It's the right thing to do. He's a good guy."

Oikawa feels like pressing his thumbs into his eyes until they start bleeding.

"Pu—"

Kenma's phone goes off and when he hears Kenma breath Kuroo's name, Oikawa instinctively checks his own. No new messages, so he has half a mind to text Kuroo, demand what the hell he's doing, what about giving him space, when Kenma holds up his phone and Oikawa stares at it.

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_are we okay?_

"You should answer," he says after a pause.

He watches Kenma nod as he's staring at the screen again. His knuckles start turning white around the device and just when Oikawa thinks he's going to compose a message, Kenma locks it and leaves his phone face down on the coffee table.

"…Is Pudding-chan going to telepathically answer?" Oikawa asks daintily.

"I'm not answering."

Oikawa nods.

"That's not what we agreed," he says helpfully.

"I don't want to talk to him right now. He'll be fine."

"Pudding-chan—"

"I don't want to, okay? Don't—"

Oikawa Tooru is a remarkably patient person, which is surprising considering he's constantly testing other people's.

But right now, knowing Kuroo's falling apart on the inside while Kenma's entirely blinded by fear is too much even for him. He's made mistakes in his friendships, been so self involved he'd accidentally hurt the people who matter the most to him, but when he's conscious of it, he cares so deeply for his friends and wants them to be happy more than anything. Sometimes two people are completely blind sighted and it takes a third, uninvolved party.

(Oikawa's not really uninvolved since he's slept with Kuroo and knows both of them and how they feel, but he's about as close as it gets.)

"Kenma," he says and can see Kenma look up with a start, surprised at being addressed properly, "…you can't do this to Tetsu-chan. He's scared. He's really, _really_ scared right now. And whether he feels the same way or not, this… this radio silence isn't fair. You can't know he'll be fine. Because I know he's not. He's the furthest thing from fine."

Kenma's eyes narrow. "You're in no place to say—"

"I am, because that's what I did and that was the worst thing I could've done," Oikawa says tiredly. "I'm telling you not to because if I hadn't, maybe things wouldn't be like this. Maybe they'd be a bit better. I messed up so, as your friend, I'm trying to prevent that from happening to you."

Breaking off to push his bangs away from his face, Oikawa takes a moment to stare at his phone. There's no text from Iwaizumi, but Oikawa doesn't expect there to be. After not responding to the first few, Iwaizumi seems to get the message and stops reaching out. Iwaizumi knows him like that; sometimes he'll keep texting until Oikawa answers, other times he'll stop until Oikawa reaches out. Oikawa doesn't know how he always knows which to do, but he knows and he's always right.

He regrets not texting back; he's being selfish, he thinks, but at the same time, Iwaizumi wanted this space. His texts aren't anything of pressing importance; Oikawa answers those, but they're simple ones that ask about his day or if he's all right. His days are miserable and he's fine, but he can't tell him that, not when he's hoping Iwaizumi can be happy.

He thinks he has an idea of how Iwaizumi feels right now and he's definitely got an idea of how he feels. So he knows both how Kenma feels and how Kuroo feels, being the one who texts and the one who ignores. But what's different about them is that things could be fixed if all Kenma's afraid of his rejection, not of being _with_ Kuroo.

"…Tetsu-chan's really scared of losing you," Oikawa continues and shrugs. "I don't think I've ever seen him this upset and, honestly, I'm surprised that's the first time he's reached out. Because he's been wanting to ever since that phone call. The only reason he hasn't is because he's giving you the space you wanted, but… he doesn't want space right now. He wants you. He wants to talk to you. He gets more upset about you being upset than anything that could happen, I think. He cares so much about you. Radio silence from you is the absolute worst thing for him."

Biting his bottom lip, Kenma wiggles his toes for a moment. "He'll be fine," he mutters. "He's already got someone he's in love with. I'm just complicating things by telling him how I feel."

"Pudding-chan, nobody thinks as lowly of you as you do. Especially not Tetsu-chan. He thinks the world of you."

"Yeah, right."

"No," Oikawa says staunchly. "You know the first thing he told me about you when we met? Yeah, he told me about you the first day we met. He told me that you're the youngest developer at your firm in ten years. He's always bragging about you and the only times I ever see him riled up are because of you."

"That's because we're friends," Kenma says in a small voice. "He'd do the same for anyone else.

" _No,_ he wouldn't," Oikawa says, beginning to get frustrated. "Pudding-chan, just… you're important to Tetsu-chan. You're _beyond_ important. You're his everything. He's freaking out more about this than you are. He's a good guy, right? Has he ever done anything to hurt you on purpose?"

Kenma bites his lip. Oikawa can see his fingers lacing together over his shins, nails digging into the flesh as he bows his head until his forehead skims his knees. "…No," he says finally, "but…"

"Exactly," Oikawa sighs. "He wouldn't do anything to _ever_ lose you. I've watched him run out of class for you, stay up all night for you, skip lecture entirely for you. As long as it's for you, anything is worth it."

"That's stupid," Kenma mumbles, hugging his knees closer and resting his forehead on them. It reminds Oikawa of the first few nights where Iwaizumi's not there, how he'd curl up against the foot of his bed, feel hopeless and lost and utterly miserable. "I'm not…" Kenma pauses. "…He's in love with someone else. That person's going to be his most important."

Oikawa can hear the slight wobble in Kenma's voice and feels his heart breaking to see him like that. He almost forgot about that _incredibly_ unfortunate misunderstanding. He sighs slowly. "Pudding-chan… even if he were in love with someone, you, as his best friend, come first. _Always_. You _always_ come first to him. Your friendship means everything to him. You know he told me about that time you were both little? How before he introduced himself, you were the first kid to talk to him?"

Kenma hasn't moved; his hair is still curtaining around his face, making it impossible for Oikawa to ascertain his expression. Oikawa gives a lopsided smile and shakes his head, leans back against the couch and crosses his arms over his chest. "He just moved here," he starts recounting, "and he was out exploring. He didn't know anyone and ended up going to the park. Other kids were mean to him because kids are mean. They're always cruel to the new one. So Tetsu-chan acted like he didn't care, but when you're six and have no friends, every comment can hurt. So he's just sitting on a swing by himself, trying not to cry, when you go up to him. You remember what happened, right?"

"…I gave him one of those stupid collectible cards and it had been of a superhero who looked like any random person," he mumbled. "…My mom had taken me to the bookstore that day and the artist of one of my favorite mangas was there and I got really excited."

"Yeah," Oikawa says quietly, and laughs after a moment. "That's actually really cheesy, Pudding-chan. Anyway, he still has that, you know? He's kept it after all this time. And he told me that until then, he'd always thought of superheroes as everyone else did, how they always had that uniform and everything. But anyone can be a superhero; not all superheroes have capes. I think he's been trying to be yours. Just any normal guy, but one who always looks out for you and protects you."

Kenma pauses. "He told you that?"

"He was pretty drunk, but yeah."

Kenma still doesn't say anything. Oikawa sighs, raising both hands to press the heel into his eyes. "…Let me put it this way," he says, dropping his hands. "Tetsu-chan and I were sleeping together because he didn't know how to deal with the feelings he thought were unrequited. He was too scared to lose that person because that person is _the absolute most important_ to him. Nothing matters to him more than the friendship he has with that person and he _grew up with_ that person. He's skipped studying exams for this person. He's cancelled an entire day of events if that person's feeling upset. He's lined up at video games for an entire night for the release of a game is that person can't go. And that day he was ranting about how much he loved them? You realized he never said their name, right?"

He looks over and Kenma hasn't moved. But Oikawa smiles anyway because Kenma's breathing is slight; he can tell from the way he's so very still because finally, _finally_ the realization is sinking in. Oikawa's still looking at him when Kenma slowly straightens and turns to look at him, eyes wide.

"Did you know?" Oikawa asks softly. "That all Tetsu-chan's ever wanted to be is someone that person considers a superhero."

He grins.

"Cape or no cape."

Kenma's breathing is shallow and Oikawa sits forward, elbows on his knees. His back's hunched and he's playing with his fingers; he's just waiting because everything's falling together, he can sense it, and any moment now, Kenma's going to get it. Eyes half lidded, his smile is gentle and soft as he waits, counting down until _three, two, one…_

"…He…"

"Pudding-chan," Oikawa murmurs. "You know, right?"

He looks over, tilts his head and feels his soft, brown hair brushing against his cheeks.

"You're _that person_. You're his person."

And then Oikawa can _see_ Kenma stop breathing.

He watches his eyes widen. He watches his expression change, realization finally flickering across his features. He unfolds his legs and stands quickly; Kenma doesn't even bother to grab his phone or keys. Oikawa calls out where Kuroo is right before the door slams shut and sprawls out on the couch, stretching as he reaches for his phone.

**To: Tetsu-chan**

_tetsu-chan! \\(_ _＾Ｏ＾_ _)/_

He smiles and waits, hums as he holds his phone to his chest.

Kuroo's response comes pretty quickly and Oikawa's delighted.

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_…_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_oh god_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_what the fuck did you do_

* * *

The café is open twenty-four seven and Kuroo takes full advantage of that.

Kenma hasn't been back in almost two weeks and though Kuroo's tried his best to give him space, knows he doesn't like to be crowded, it's starting to drive him absolutely insane. Even though he's got Oikawa and Iwaizumi, Kenma's the one who calms him down. Just by being there, Kenma can calm him in a way nobody else can. Kenma's the only one who can help him feel better but, ironically, Kenma's the reason he feels like this.

_"What? No, he left. He went to Oikawa's. Huh? Hold on—Semi—"_

_Kuroo suddenly feels like he called at a very bad time._

_"Just—all right, fine—" and there's the muffled sound of what he assumes to be Iwaizumi pressing his phone to his clothing. But it's not quite enough to entirely drown out the sound of what Kuroo knows is kissing and laughing; despite his heartache, he smirks. "So you two, huh."_

_"He's probably as need as you were with Oikawa."_

_"What? No way—"_

_"Oikawa's whiny, but when he whines about you whining?"_

_"…He told you that?"_

_"He sleep talks and I hit him."_

_Kuroo hears rustling; his eyebrow arches as the opposite corner of his lip does when he hears a new voice. "Hey, Semi. Sorry to interrupt your time with Iwaizumi."_

_"No, that's fine," he hears Semi's voice, low and husky and suddenly Kuroo feels he definitely called at a bad time. "You want to come over?"_

_"…Uh…"_

_"We're clothed."_

_"Oh. No, it's fine."_

_"You sure? We're going to watch a movie and Iwaizumi'll hate it."_

_"What?!" Kuroo hears in the background. "You said you'd choose something else!"_

_"Yeah, well, you said you wouldn't eat all the tofu and look what you did. It grew on me. You got me addicted."_

_Kuroo hears Iwaizumi laugh and even though he still feels like his world's ending, he smiles anyway; it's good Iwaizumi's happy, he thinks. Iwaizumi deserves it. He deserves to be with someone who makes him happy because he's a genuinely good person._

_"Hey, Semi?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"…Do you believe in karma?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Fuck."_

He's done lamenting about Kenma to Iwaizumi, figures he must be both busy and annoyed by now, but going home leaves him antsy. The two of them have been hanging out ever since Kenma went to Oikawa's. Kuroo doesn't want to keep Oikawa from Kenma, thinking he could use the company, but being by himself also isn't doing him any favors. Iwaizumi's sympathetic and while he does help a bit, Kuroo still feels a void that only one person can fill.

He can't help but keep glancing at Kenma's room as if he'll suddenly appear, stare at the front door like some sort of a cat waiting for its owner to come back to feed it. He can't concentrate; there are traces of Kenma everywhere. His jacket draped over the couch, Kuroo's sweater that he had worn because it was cold, his favorite bowl still in the sink, a coding book left on the table. Everywhere Kuroo looks, he sees Kenma. Everywhere Kuroo looks, it's Kenma except Kenma himself.

He can't stand it.

It's driving him absolutely insane.

So, to keep his mind off of things, Kuroo studies.

He goes to a café at three in the morning, is, surprisingly, not the only one there. There's always an exam happening; Kuroo brings with him a laptop, charger, textbook, notes, goes to order his first coffee of the morning and starts studying.

He's always been good at studying. He's always been good at academics; he'd been in class five back at Nekoma, would often tutor the other members of the volleyball team in his spare time. Kenma was the only one he tutored consistently; he reviewed with him before every test and teased that Kenma wouldn't be getting those grades without him. Kenma had agreed, and then Kuroo very quickly changed stances and assured him he'd be capable of getting those grades without his help.

_"Don't go into law. You suck at picking a side and arguing for it."_

Iwaizumi's asked multiple times why he won't tell Kenma that he feels the same way and, frankly, Kuroo's tired of explaining that he's giving Kenma space. He's not making things worse for him; the last thing he wants is for Kenma to feel pressured into anything with him. Maybe it doesn't make sense to other people, he tries telling Iwaizumi. Then he realizes maybe it doesn't make sense at all; maybe this is his overprotective instinct coming out. All he knows is that he wants Kenma to be okay and if Kuroo has to be miserable, then he's entirely fine with that. Anything is fine as long as Kenma is okay, so Kuroo decides that this is fine, that, for Kenma, he can handle this.

But remembering how they'd almost kissed in itself is enough to drive Kuroo crazy.

He still remembers how quickly his heart had been racing, whether or not Kenma had been able to feel it. His eyes had closed instinctively and he stopped breathing entirely; the last time they'd kissed had been years ago. This was going to be their third kiss, but it still felt like their first. Kuroo has kissed his fair share of people, but nobody compared to Kenma. Nobody ever did. Nobody ever could; Kenma's _Kenma._ There's no replacement in the entire universe for how much this boy means to him.

Kuroo unintentionally grunts at his phone; his phone call with Oikawa had left him all riled up again. It brings back everything Kuroo had tried to suppress; he'd done well in keeping from contacting Kenma, but Oikawa's different. He can bug Oikawa all he wants. And Kuroo needs to know how Kenma is. He _needs_ to know if he's doing well or not; he _needs_ to know that Kenma will be okay. Because their friendship matters so much to him, but even that comes second to Kenma himself. It pains him to even consider it, but if ending their friendship is what makes him happy, then Kuroo would most likely actually do that.

He just _really_ doesn't want to because he can't imagine his life without Kenma.

It had taken another drink to calm him down, somehow caffeine quelling his racing heart. Kuroo launched himself back into studying; his notes are even more meticulously organized than usual and it's only when he's about to fold over from hunger that he remembers to eat, managing half a pastry before going back to studying. Studying is the best distraction and a distraction is exactly what he needs.

His phone is on silent but Kuroo immediately sees the text, a bit because of the bright light but mostly because he's constantly glancing over, hoping Kenma will answer. It's not Kenma, but seeing Oikawa's name has Kuroo putting his pencil down anyway. Because Oikawa is with Kenma, so Oikawa's texts are also important.

And his blood runs cold because Oikawa Tooru and his goddamn emojis.

**From: princess-chan**

_tetsu-chan! \\(_ _＾Ｏ＾_ _)/_

**To: princess-chan**

_…_

**To: princess-chan**

_oh god_

**To: princess-chan**

_what the fuck did you do_

Kuroo has an exceedingly bad feeling about what Oikawa's done. But he isn't answering and he can only really handle one highly stressful situation at the moment, so he puts his phone facedown and stands to get a coffee. It takes him a moment to steady himself; Kuroo abruptly realizes he also needs _food_ besides just coffee and half that pastry, otherwise this lightheaded feeling isn't a one time thing. Sighing, he fixes his glasses.

He's been studying so intensely that he had to put on his glasses.

Kenma hasn't answered his text. Kuroo's tried not to think about it, but he can't help it; it had taken two coffees for him to muster up the courage to send that and he hadn't answered. Kenma isn't the best texter in the world, but he usually answered questions if they were directly asked.

Then again, Kuroo supposes he hadn't really been expecting an answer.

Kuroo is fine with never taking their friendship to a next level, but only if it meant still having Kenma in his life. Kenma is someone he can never lose. He refuses. He doesn't know how to be Kuroo Tetsurou if he doesn't have Kozume Kenma with him; he's anchored his entire world around this person and having him means everything. _He_ means everything.

But if it came down to it, if it was between their friendship and Kenma's happiness, Kuroo thinks, he _thinks_ he might be able to do that. It seems impossible. Even now, thinking it feels impossible, but then he realizes that he couldn't live with himself if he were why Kenma was upset.

Groaning and rubbing his face in his hands, Kuroo takes a moment to recollect himself. His hands are still to his face, fingers pressed together and covering his mouth as he stares up at the menu. He needs to decide what to order before ordering. It's a relatively simple process, just a bit stressful under this current predicament. Baby steps, he thinks. He's taking baby steps on how to be a functioning human being.

He hates being a functional human being.

" _Kuro_."

It takes a second for him to recognize that someone's talking to him. He blinks a few times to make sure he's not imagining things because that voice, the nickname, the very slight change from his full family name feel too surreal right now. He turns around, eyes widening and hands falling away from his face to see Kenma standing there, panting heavily and clothes in a slight disarray from what he assumes is a sprint. His heart leaps to his throat and though he's so relieved to see him, he's also worried about the state of his appearance. Kuroo's brow furrows as he looks him over. "Kenma, what's—"

Kenma's eighteen and a half centimeters shorter than Kuroo, but that's never stopped him from yanking on Kuroo's shoulder to pull him down to his level, action immediate and rough. His glasses are perched on the bridge of his nose and Kenma pulling him down only skews them, but that's really the least of Kuroo's concerns.

Because Kenma's kissing him.

Kenma's kissing him and he's too concerned about that; Kenma's kissing him and unlike last time, he's _actually_ kissing him. His mouth is pressed _hard_ against Kuroo's. It's entirely different from their last two kisses. The first had been reminiscent of childhood innocence, of two pre-teenagers wondering what the big deal was. The second one had been more passionate, still gentle and sweet between two teenagers who were beginning to understand love.

This is a kiss between two young adults who are familiar with that nauseating, sickening feeling of being head over heels in love, but have no idea of its mysterious intrinsic nature.

Kuroo almost stumbles from surprise and can't recover quickly enough to return the kiss; his lips are slightly parted still when Kenma pulls back, looks at him a bit hesitantly. They're both panting a bit from that kiss and Kuroo can't help but lick his lips as he stares at Kenma. His eyes fall to the floor and he clears his throat.

Everyone's watching. Kuroo can tell because the chatter has died down and from his peripheral vision, he can vaguely make out heads turned towards them. But the only thing he focuses on is Kenma's face; he sees the slight freckles that can only be seen from close up, the way his eyes are so sharp but a bit hesitant, his soft, smooth skin. He's entranced by Kenma's features; he's always loved them, though he was mesmerizing in a subtle, demure way.

Kuroo's finding it hard to breathe but that's okay because Kenma's here.

"…Unless Oikawa was lying," he says quietly and Kuroo's eyes widen.

The text makes sense.

The text makes total sense now and Kuroo could almost start laughing, but he's not going to. Because his exhaustion hasn't edged into delirium, he's still aware of what's going on, knows what's more important. What's important is that Kenma's kissed him. Kenma's kissed him after knowing how he feels; _Kenma's kissed him after knowing how he feels_.

Kuroo's expression splits into a grin.

"Oikawa's an ass."

Kenma's eyes flit back to look at Kuroo.

"…But he wasn't lying."

And this time Kuroo leans in and they share their fourth kiss. Kuroo kisses him with every intention of sweeping Kenma off his feet, leaves him as breathless as Kenma does him. An arm wraps around Kenma's waist and pulls him close; when he feels Kenma's arms rest around his shoulders, he hoists him up and feels his legs come to wrap around his waist. Kuroo supports him easily and the other hand comes up to cradle the back of his head, keeps kissing him like they're the only ones in the café, like nobody else is staring at them.

Even when he can't breathe, Kuroo keeps kissing him until he's on the absolute verge of passing out. He gives a shaky breath, eyes still closed as their foreheads touch. He's still holding Kenma in his arms and his lips smile before his eyes open, half lidded as he looks at him. There's a delicate silence that hangs between them; both of them are panting a bit from that kiss and Kuroo's still feeling dazed from it. He's a little dizzy; he's entirely intoxicated by Kenma, but his presence, by his lips, by his everything. Holding Kenma in his arms right now means everything and Kuroo can't help but laugh, steal just one more kiss.

Everyone's watching and he grins when he hears Kenma's quiet, breathy chuckle when there are suddenly wolf whistles and cheering because apparently college students love watching people get together. Threading his fingers in Kenma's hair, Kuroo can't stop smiling; his cheeks start aching but he just can't stop.

Kenma smiles, tangles his fingers in Kuroo's hair. "Sorry."

"For what?" he asks, can't help but watch the way Kenma gives his little lopsided smirk.

"Might be awkward for you next time you come back here to study."

Kuroo laughs and Kenma smiles and exhales in that way he does when he's finished an intensive project, just took the first bite of a freshly baked apple pie, when he gets good news regarding something he'd been stressing over.

When he's happy.

"I can find another coffee place. I can't find another you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A N D T H E R E W E G O for these two at least. i think it's amazing how so many of you still stuck around omg so thank you so much for that here is kuroken happiness. now i can focus entirely on the iwaoi pain :) 
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated ♥


	14. the perfect one word no one's heard yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa realizes he’s got to be the stupidest person on earth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is long. i'm sorry. i don't know why. i don't know how. i don't know why i'm like this. i'm sorry. it's so long. "for this fic i will average 5k for words" has gone out the window.

" _Iwa-chan!"_

_Sixteen-year-old Iwaizumi Hajime turns around to see his best friend approaching him, one hand in his pocket and the other waving to match his grin. Iwaizumi frowns; he's glaring lightly and waits until Oikawa has stopped by him to push off the wall. "What is it? I've got to study for the exam tomorrow."_

_"Iwa-chan, we're best friends, right?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Forever?"_

_"Yeah. I mean, it's already felt like an eternity with you."_

_Oikawa pouts. "That's mean!"_

_Iwaizumi smirks. "You're annoying."_

_Oikawa huffs, hands on his hip and chest puffing. Iwaizumi gives a sigh in response; it's been a tiring day at school and he'd been about halfway home when Oikawa texted that he needed him. Despite the aching in his body from a particularly hard practice (damn captain really likes pushing their ace sometimes) and mental exhaustion from two exams that day and studying looming over his head for tomorrow's, Iwaizumi had turned around and met Oikawa back at the school gates. He adjusted the strap of his backpack so it wasn't putting so much pressure on just one shoulder. "Oi, Shittykawa. What do you want?"_

_"Oh!" Oikawa's eyes light up and he claps his hands together; seeing the glint in his eyes gives Iwaizumi a bad, bad feeling. "I needed to ask Iwa-chan a favor!"_

_"All right."_

_"I have a date tonight," he starts and Iwaizumi just nods because Oikawa going on a date is about as rare as Oikawa wanting milk bread, "and, well, I wanted to practice kissing beforehand!"_

_Iwaizumi isn't moving, but he still manages to almost trip over his feet._

_"…What?"_

_"Iwa-chan, we've kissed before, so it's okay!" he says and beams. "So will you?"_

_"Will I what?"_

_"Kiss me!"_

_"What the fuck?"_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because, didn't you hear my 'what the fuck'?"_

_"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa whines and Iwaizumi just groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. It's futile to resist; if Oikawa wants something, Iwaizumi will end up acquiescing. And the sooner he does, the sooner he can go home._

_"All right," he says and nods, looking up tiredly. "Just… don't do anything… weird."_

_Oikawa beams again and Iwaizumi sighs. It's hard, being Oikawa Tooru's best friend. It's really hard._

_He stares at him for a few more moments but relents and steps forward to lessen the distance between them. Oikawa's taller, but not that much; despite that, Iwaizumi's got the annoying feeling he's physically looking down on him (though the girl he's taking on a date is probably shorter than him, too.) Iwaizumi keeps his arms crossed over his chest and as Oikawa leans down, he starts closing his eyes until their lips meet._

_Iwaizumi could melt right then and there._

_His arms uncross. He kisses back without thinking twice about it; it's instinctual and it's almost ticklish. Oikawa's not a bad kisser by any standards and Iwaizumi doesn't think he is either, but compared to Oikawa, he definitely is less experienced. But Oikawa's disappearing smirk against his lips as he keeps kissing him is comforting; at least he doesn't suck, he thinks._

_Except he's not thinking that right now. He's not thinking about anything except he's kissing Oikawa and what he expected to be a three second thing is turning out to be longer and affecting him much more than expected._

_Iwaizumi can't breathe and not just because he's kissing Oikawa. He can't breathe because the kiss feels like it's making his chest explode; he wants desperately to pull him in to deepen it but, at the same time, wants to linger on this hanging delicateness. Hands resting on his hips, Iwaizumi kisses him slowly. He takes Oikawa's lip between his own, biting gently before he sighs; Oikawa repeats the ministration and it almost turns his knees weak and he nearly collapses right then and there._

_Oikawa tastes sweet, like some sort of a pastry. He's warm and he's gentle; the kiss is making Iwaizumi feel like he might implode, and yet the kiss is making him feel like everything in the universe is aligning right now. He's hyperaware of everything and desensitized to everything at the same time; he can feel the fabric of his shirt brushing against his body with movements but no longer hears the chattering of students on the other side of the wall. He can't stop kissing Oikawa. He doesn't want to stop kissing Oikawa. The way he moves grows bolder and what had started out as a chaste kiss is evolving (devolving?) into something much, much different._

_Palms pressing to Oikawa's hips, thumb brushing over the hip bone that's revealed above his hem of his pants, Iwaizumi almost leans in to kiss him again when they break apart. His breathing is shallow and he presses his lips together, clearing his throat._

_He hears a buzzing._

_His skin feels like it's on fire._

_He can barely focus his eyes._

"… _That good enough?"_

_Oikawa hums and Iwaizumi can't believe he looks entirely fine while Iwaizumi feels like he's about to go up in flames. And as Oikawa keeps talking, he can't seem to process anything; all he's focusing on is the way his heart is racing and there's that tingling feeling in his limbs like pins and needles, except it's accompanied by both a coolness and hotness._

_Iwaizumi's stomach drops to the floor just as his heart jumps to his throat when he realizes:_

I'm in love with him, aren't I?

_"…Fuck."_

_Oikawa blinks and tilts his head._

_"Don't worry, Iwa-chan. You're not that bad of a kisser."_

* * *

When Oikawa opens the door and sees Kuroo standing there with a sweet smile, he tries to slam it shut as quickly as he can.

"T-Tetsu-chan!" Oikawa grins, still trying to close the door despite Kuroo's foot firmly wedged in place. It's terrifying, that smile; Kuroo doesn't _smile nicely_ to anyone unless it's Kenma. Kuroo smirks or grins. He doesn't smile so pristinely and so perfectly. Basically, Oikawa might die today. "How nice to see you!"

Kuroo's sweet smile is unwavering.

"I'm going to kill you, asshole."

Twenty minutes later, Oikawa's sitting on the couch with Kuroo, holding a bag of frozen peas to his head. Kuroo had chased him around for a bit and Oikawa realized he was much more acrobatic than thought and might have a natural talent for parkour as he leapt and evaded. In the end, it was an open cabinet that led to his demise; Kuroo just smirked as he stood over him, said he hadn't even planned on hitting him.

"I did a nice thing for Tetsu-chan and _this_ is how you repay me?"

"You told him how I felt."

"No," Oikawa straightens. "I never _directly said_ that you're in love with him."

Kuroo scoffs but he's still smiling. Oikawa stares at him for a moment and leans back against the cushions. There's an obvious topic looming over them, but Oikawa's not sure how to broach the subject. Based on Kuroo's current mood, it _seems_ things went well, but he doesn't want to rub salt in an open wound on the off chance it didn't. "Shouldn't you be with Pudding-chan right now?" he asks delicately, opting for a perfectly neutral question.

"He's got work stuff and I had something to do," Kuroo answers succinctly.

"Oh?" Oikawa brightens.

"Kill you."

"Oh." Oikawa deflates.

Oikawa frowns and he shifts a bit, glancing over. "This was supposed to be dinner," he mumbles about the peas, glaring pointedly at Kuroo.

Kuroo just smirks when he looks over. "Great. Now it's served two purposes."

Lips pursing and nose wrinkling for a moment, Oikawa mumbles under his breath and changes his position so that one ankle tucks behind the other, knee propped up for his elbow to rest on so he can keep the peas to what he assumes will leave a noticeable bruise. The television is still on; during their chase, Oikawa hadn't had a chance to turn it off and he's glad for the entertainment it provides as they navigate the gigantic elephant in the room. Finally, he asks: "So what happened with you and Pudding-chan?"

"Ah. Yeah, he came by the café."

"And?" Oikawa asks a bit impatiently.

"Then I came over to kill you."

"…Wow, Tetsu-chan, you're so efficient," he says monotonously. Looking over, Oikawa removes his peas from his head and presses the bag to Kuroo's cheek. He grins at the way Kuroo jolts, yelping. And then when Kuroo turns to face him, Oikawa immediately picks up on the slight swollen lips and his grin grows even more. Kuroo just gives a defeated smile, mutters 'shut up' as he looks back to the television. A hand raises with his fingers curled, backs brushing against his lips, hardly hiding his smile.

"You know, _I_ made that happen," Oikawa says proudly.

"Yeah, by _telling_ him. Or at least heavily hinting at it."

"You said you wanted him to know!"

"I didn't say you could _tell_ him."

"You didn't say I _couldn't_ ," Oikawa counters and he laughs when Kuroo opens his mouth and then closes it again, shaking his head as he keeps smiling tiredly. Oikawa's giddy and radiating with joy next to him; he reaches a fist out to playfully punch him. "Pudding-chan's kisses have made Tetsu-chan soft, huh? Just make sure you two don't third-wheel me, okay?"

"You're using the wrong word. You'd be third-wheeling us."

Oikawa huffs. "Don't do couply things and exclude me!"

"I don't think we could get rid of you if we tried."

Kuroo is teasing but he looks over with a lopsided smile that Oikawa sees first in his eyes. He blinks before laughing, his 'you're welcome' silent between them. He reaches for the remote to turn up the volume; Oikawa realizes after a bit that this is an episode that Iwaizumi's got particularly strong feelings about. He can still remember the first time they'd watched it, how Iwaizumi had ranted about it for days on end afterwards. He nonchalantly changes the channel and Kuroo doesn't say anything.

Oikawa's not sure if it's because he somehow _knows_ it's related to Iwaizumi or because changing the channel is something entirely normal. Maybe he's being paranoid. Oikawa can't tell anymore.

"Tetsu-chan," Oikawa murmurs, "I'm really happy for you and Pudding-chan."

Kuroo glances at him and gives a slight smirk. "You know, I'm actually surprised to hear that."

Oikawa frowns. "Tetsu-chan… you must have a really low opinion of me…"

"Not that," Kuroo says, waving off Oikawa's disapproving expression. "Just… all right, I know what you say about Iwaizumi," he says and Oikawa instantly freezes, draws his knee closer to his body. "Trust me, I've heard you say all that plenty of times. But I've still got this feeling that it's _not_ just friendship between the two of you. And with me and Kenma… I mean, if it were me, I'd be… I don't know."

Kuroo shrugs.

"But, you know, maybe I'm just completely wrong even though my instincts are almost always right. Or maybe you don't believe in love."

Oikawa doesn't say anything to that at first. The cold is beginning to hurt, so he lowers his bag of peas and tosses them carelessly on the table. He picks up his glass of water instead, though he hesitates it when it's halfway to his mouth. Instead, Oikawa's eyes focus on the coffee table through the glass. He can see it, despite being a bit distorted, and traces the rim with his index finger. Kuroo's watching him; Oikawa can sense it and he makes no indication to brush off his comment. He bites the inside of his cheek and closes his eyes, swallowing. "…First of all," he says, "I believe in love."

Oikawa exhales slowly through his nose and feels his body relaxing. Before he knows it, he's smiling, though it's a bit distant and it's not in his eyes when they open again. His feet are flat on the floor now, elbows on his knees and fingers laced loosely as he concentrates on the coffee table.

"A lot of people think I don't because all my relationships have been short term, but I believe in spending your life with one person forever. I think that's really nice. To have someone next to you and know you can rely on them when something happens. Someone you trust entirely. Who's there through thick and thin."

Oikawa's voice begins tapering off at the end as he sets his glass down on the table and Kuroo's already smirking; Oikawa doesn't even want to look. He knows who he's thinking of and he's fairly sure Kuroo knows too. Sometimes he can handle Kuroo Tetsurou's smirk, other times he can't.

It's a heavy silence.

"Oikawa, can I ask something?"

"Anything for you, Tetsu-chan," Oikawa answers lightly.

"Really," he says, "why have all your relationships been short term?"

Oikawa's brow furrows. "Most of them break up with me because I was too obsessed with volleyball or—"

He stops.

Kuroo's smirk widens.

"…No, Tetsu-chan," Oikawa sighs, runs a hand through his hair. "It's not _that_."

"You were just about to say it," Kuroo says and looks over. "People keep dumping you because you're too close to Iwaizumi, right? You talk about him too much, you spend too much time with him, you prioritize him over everyone else?"

Oikawa scoffs but he doesn't refute anything he just said. "Tetsu-chan, you seem to know an awful lot about this."

"Of course," Kuroo answers without missing a beat. "I've been dumped and accused of being in love with Kenma way before I realized it. And now look at me."

"It's not the same—"

"Is it?"

"I'm not in love with Iwa-chan."

"Are you sure?"

Oikawa's good at lying. It's not something to be proud of, but it's a fact: Oikawa Tooru is good at lying. Sometimes they're harmful lies, like pretending he wasn't the one who made someone cry. Other times they're white lies, like telling a girl who handed him her heart in an envelope that he's seeing someone. Either way, lies will slip from his tongue in the same breath a demand for milk bread will.

So lying isn't a problem, and yet Oikawa can't bring himself to deny Kuroo's question. The first thing he thinks about is when he saw Iwaizumi and Semi kissing, how seeing them had left him feeling incomplete, inexplicably upset. It's just a kiss, he thinks. And it didn't look _passionate_. It looked like a nice kiss, but it wasn't _the_ kiss.

And yet, Oikawa realizes he's not breathing and it takes Kuroo hitting his back for him to remember to do so. He inhales sharply, hears his gasp. He nods when Kuroo asks if he's fine. That's a lie. He's not.

"Tetsu-chan," he asks in a strangled voice, "can I ask you something?"

"Go for it."

Biting his lip, Oikawa fiddles with his fingers. Breathing is possible now, though it's still a bit labored, he still feels a little strangled because he keeps thinking of Iwaizumi and Semi. Iwaizumi and Semi going on dates, holding hands, laughing, kissing, feeding each other. Iwaizumi and Semi being the couple they are. Semi making Iwaizumi smile. Semi making Iwaizumi happy.

Semi being Iwaizumi's most important.

Iwaizumi no longer needing Oikawa.

"How did you know you were in love with Pudding-chan?" he asks quietly.

Oikawa doesn't even need to look over. Kuroo's smirking, that slight, sly smirk. He sighs dramatically; Oikawa is sure his lips have turned white from how harshly he's biting down on it and he feels warmth radiating from Kuroo when he, too, leans forwards with his elbows on his knees. Oikawa's eyes flit to the television. He watches the show but doesn't quite register what's happening; he just sees actors and actresses moving, distantly hears music that can only fit a drama. His stomach's flipping; he tries swallowing to quell it, but it just seems to make it worse.

Iwaizumi and Semi.

Iwaizumi and Semi.

_Iwaizumi and Semi._

Kuroo gets up. He disappears for a few minutes and then comes back with two beers. He leaves one in front of Oikawa and while he makes no move for it, Kuroo opens his with one hand expertly and takes a swig. "There was this one night," Kuroo starts slowly, "when Kenma was sick. It was before a release of one of his favorite games, so he was pretty upset. I went in his place, ended up with a fever and bombed a final."

"…And that's when you realized?" Oikawa manages, smiling lopsidedly. "Also, Tetsu-chan, how stupid."

Kuroo laughs. "No, but that was the first time where seeing him smile made me realize I'd do anything if it made him happy. I think I realized it when his happiness became more important than mine. It's hard to pinpoint, but… yeah. When I realized it, it definitely had to do with that."

Kuroo grins and shrugs.

"And when I realized it, it felt like I'd been in love with him forever."

Oikawa hums, lips pressing to the cap of the unopened bottle with a frown. It sounds strange on a basic level, but on a more innate one, it feels right. It feels instinctual, everything Kuroo's saying, and Oikawa starts feeling cold because it makes sense and he doesn't want to know why it makes sense.

"…I see," he says slowly.

Oikawa can be selfish; he really, _really_ doesn't try to be, but sometimes he's got tunnel vision and it takes the sun itself to illuminate anything else. It's something he knows about himself, but he never quite realizes until it's too late and he's hurt someone he cares about. Like Kenma, for example, when he slept with Kuroo. It somehow didn't register in his mind that what he was doing was hurting him; Oikawa had been so preoccupied with getting rid of that unsettling feeling that Iwaizumi's confession left that he just wasn't thinking.

And then Iwaizumi, the way he'd hurt him by hooking up with Kuroo, by not acknowledging his confession immediately. He'd hurt the person most important to him so awfully and part of him wonders how in the world Iwaizumi hadn't _yelled_ at him. He'd had his outburst, but Oikawa deserves more than that. Even he knows that. It makes him feel guilty because Iwaizumi's always been far too kind to him, too forgiving. He's always, always put Oikawa over himself, always willing to sacrifice himself for Oikawa.

That, he realizes, is what it's like to be in love and Oikawa wants to throw up.

"Because it used to be that I thought I couldn't live without him. I couldn't imagine my life without the person who I had grown up with," Kuroo continues, voice getting softer but still remaining enough for Oikawa to be able to hear. Oikawa closes his eyes and bows his head. His fingers lace together and his thumbs bite into the flesh of his index fingers. "And then one day," he hears Kuroo's voice, "I realized that even though it would absolutely _kill_ me if he left… if it made him happier to be without me, then I was okay with that."

Kuroo looks over and smiles tiredly.

"Because I think that's what being in love is. Wanting someone's happiness more than your own."

_"You're a pain in the ass, insufferable, fucking annoying, but you bring out the best in people."_

It's what Iwaizumi says to him when Oikawa says he doesn't know if he deserves the title of captain, that maybe Iwaizumi is better suited. Iwaizumi remained stubborn and refused to let Oikawa linger in his own self-doubt. Because that's what he always does; he's always there to support Oikawa, do anything to make him feel better.

"I mean," Kuroo murmurs, "have you ever done anything for Iwaizumi because it made him happy, even if you didn't like it?"

"… _Iwa-chan, does hanging out with him make you happy?"_

" _Well, yeah. I like hanging out with him. He's nice."_

" _Then I'm okay with Semi-chan! As long as Iwa-chan's happy, I am too!"_

Oikawa feels his chest seize for a moment and he closes his eyes, shakes the feeling off. That's different, he tells himself. That was him not coming in between a friendship because of his own stupid feelings. He gives a sigh and moves, pressing the heel of his palm right above his eyes.

"Friends do that," Oikawa mumbles, not even convincing himself.

"Fair enough," Kuroo laughs quietly. "I guess the biggest difference between being friends and being in love… is that really god awful feeling in your stomach."

For a moment, Oikawa's fairly sure he's going to throw up.

"Even when they're not around, you feel awful. It's nauseating and unsettling and you can't even pinpoint _why_ , which is what's frustrating. You don't _know_. But it's there constantly. Just thinking about their name can trigger it. Just seeing them. Worst is when you see them with somebody else. Then it feels like you're going to die."

Kuroo pauses and takes a sip of his beer.

"…But then there's also when you see them smile and everything is worth it. Because you just feel so incredibly happy that you didn't know it was possible. And they might not even realize they have that effect on you. You want to do everything with them and be everything to them because they're everything to you. But even if you aren't theirs, they'll still be yours."

Kuroo looks over.

"Sound familiar yet?"

Oikawa's frozen.

Kuroo gives a dramatic sigh. " _Or,_ you know, you're absolutely terrified at the prospect of losing them that it's entirely blindsided you on how you feel, so you act like a three-year-old before having this mini revelation that you can't act like a three-year-old at the expense of their happiness. So then you act closer to the twenty-four-year-old you are but then you kind of _do_ lose him and it leaves you an emotional wreck. But, you know," Kuroo pauses to take a sip of his bear. "Technicalities or something."

Kuroo's words keep replaying in his mind, echoing and as Oikawa's staring at the television screen, he slowly becomes less aware of the drama and more aware of his own heart. It's slow but as Iwaizumi's name keeps repeating in his mind, as Oikawa keeps seeing his smile and his glare, as he remembers all the times Iwaizumi's been there, his breathing grows shallow and it feels like his heart is sinking.

Because this is a thousand times worse when they're arguing over the same homework problem for an hour and Oikawa realizes Kuroo's right but keeps arguing, just to keep from losing face. Because this isn't a twenty-point homework assignment; this is the person he's known since diapers and possibly the rest of his life. This is someone who means absolutely everything to him and someone who Oikawa's unknowingly taken advantage of over and over again. Iwaizumi is the kindest person in the entire world, far too forgiving and far too patient for someone like him. Because Oikawa never means it when he says Iwaizumi's mean; he's just whining like the child he is. But he knows how kind Iwaizumi is. How wonderful Iwaizumi is.

How supportive Iwaizumi is, how Iwaizumi's his rock, how Iwaizumi's his anchor. How Oikawa can't imagine a world without Iwaizumi. How Oikawa can't even begin to fathom what his existence would be like without Iwaizumi at his side. How Iwaizumi has defined his entire life and without him, he's not Oikawa Tooru.

His eyes widen.

"…Oh god."

Iwaizumi's there when Oikawa needs to study, stays up all night with him until he understands everything. Both of them then bring identical large cups of coffee to class the next day, looking the same type of exhausted. Iwaizumi always threatens him with 'this is the last goddamn time!' and Oikawa always apologizes profusely, promises there won't be a next time.

But there always is.

Oikawa remembers a night where Iwaizumi's upset. It's rare for something to upset him that much, so even Oikawa doesn't tease him. He can tell by the way Iwaizumi's texting, how the answers are short and terse. Oikawa asks a few casual questions just to test the waters and confirm his suspicions, perfectly neutral questions that won't upset him or give him any idea of what he's planning. Iwaizumi answers curtly; Oikawa doesn't need to be told anything else. He shows up at Iwaizumi's house within twenty minutes, beams and holds up his favorite movie.

Iwaizumi had glared at him tiredly but opened the door. _"Barging in as usual."_

Oikawa had grinned. _"Yup! I'll make the popcorn!"_

And Oikawa doesn't even regret missing an alien special he's been waiting for for months that night.

He hadn't thought much about it at the time, most likely because he assumed he could just record it and watch it some other time. When he returns home and finds out his nephew has manage to work the television into taping it over, he's upset, to say the least.

But when Iwaizumi asks him the next day why he's so upset, Oikawa finds himself shaking it off, beaming and saying that nothing's wrong.

_"…Are you sure?"_

_"Yeah!"_

And then not even a week later, Iwaizumi shows up at Oikawa's doorstep, holds up a flash drive.

_"You and your goddamn aliens."_

He realizes he's been quiet for too long and clears his throat, offers Kuroo a bright smile. But it's a little bit too forced and Kuroo studies him before reaching for the remote. He glances back at the television only to watch the volume decrease until it's barely more than white noise in the background. Taking a sip of beer, Kuroo's eyes keep watching Oikawa's smile before he smirks.

He leans back and looks annoyingly triumphant.

"…So?"

Oikawa clears his throat, brings a hand up and touches it to the middle of his chest. His heart's _leaping_. It feels like it's actually leaping and he doesn't like it. Pressing his hand to his chest, Oikawa frowns when it doesn't offer any solace. He feels nauseous. He feels dizzy. He feels both hot and cold. He feels like he can't breathe and thinking of Iwaizumi both closes his throat and fills his lung with air.

"…I may be dying."

Kuroo gives an abrupt laugh that Oikawa is insulted by because what if he _was_ dying. "You're not dying," he says and Oikawa glares.

"What makes you say that?" he challenges, though his voice isn't that confident.

Kuroo's eyebrow arches as he looks at him. His grin is annoying, makes Oikawa want to punch him, but he knows. And he knows Kuroo knows. But even if he knows, it won't feel real until someone says it to him, and Oikawa's always been a little cowardly when it comes to himself.

Kuroo takes another sip of his beer, languid and lazy.

"Because, Oikawa, you're in love with Iwaizumi. And you've got it _bad_."

It drops like a ton of bricks and Oikawa finds himself still denying it, even though hearing it out loud and materialized has his heart swelling and his lungs remembering how to expand again. His first instinct is denial; it's got to be some sort of defense mechanism because it's just _immediate._ Kuroo says it; he's said it before, but this time is different. Because this time Oikawa's resolution is faltering. Even if he's denying it, every time he says _no_ it's slighter, softer, smaller.

"No," Oikawa tries anyway and clears his throat, but his voice doesn't even fool himself anymore. His breathing's labored and his bottom lip is actually wobbling, spots dancing before his eyes. "I'm not. Really, Tetsu-chan. You… you and Pudding-chan are obsessed with that idea."

"Look, I know it's scary," Kuroo says and this time he looks serious. "When I realized it, it wasn't like I just accepted it calmly. But you can't go the rest of your life acting like you don't feel this way about him, whether or not anything comes out of it. Yeah, it's taking a huge risk. Yeah, it leaves you open for a plethora of pain. Yeah, it sucks. But you know what? It's how you feel and you can't change that."

"I'm _not_ ," Oikawa says with a tight voice, swallowing thickly. "I _can't_ … because…"

He inhales sharply.

"Because couples… couples break up. Romantic relationships end. You either die or you divorce. It's…"

Oikawa shudders.

"…I can't lose him."

"Just because you're in love with him doesn't mean you will," Kuroo murmurs, eyes softening. "Being friends feels safer, but a big part of that is because you've been friends since you were young. You haven't ever dated him. You don't know what will happen. So, yeah, I know it's scary. And I know it sucks. It sucks so badly, but if it works… it's amazing. Believe me, okay? But you'll never have a shot at that if you don't admit it, Oikawa."

He doesn't say anything.

Oikawa remembers making it to every single one of Iwaizumi's games in college without being asked and having the favor returned. He remembers essentially scheduling his days around promised Skype sessions with Iwaizumi. He remembers disappearing for a while in some place he doesn't tell anyone about and Iwaizumi always finding him, somehow always when Oikawa's ready to talk.

He remembers when he's seven years old and it's the first time he successfully makes Iwaizumi smile in the middle of crying over something, how he's so happy and hugs Iwaizumi. He's forgotten the reason by now, but that feeling of triumph and relief has never left him nor diminished whenever he successfully makes Iwaizumi feel better.

Oikawa doesn't like when Iwaizumi's upset, simple as that.

There are nights where Oikawa forgoes sleep because Iwaizumi's talking; he just won't stop, whether he's upset or excited, and Oikawa does his best to stay up with him. And the nights where he does fall asleep, he wakes up to the phone call still being connected; they've run up quite the bill from time to time and even though their parents both yell at them, they keep doing so.

Oikawa realizes, suddenly, that every moment in his life where he's felt glad to be alive has Iwaizumi right there next to him.

He feels nauseous.

"Let me ask you this," Kuroo murmurs. "Would you do anything if it made him happy?"

"Yeah." Oikawa has to pause and swallow because his throat's so dry. "Anything."

"Even if it meant him leaving you?"

Oikawa has to hesitate; just hearing that makes his heart ache because he can't imagine life without Iwaizumi. He's been with Iwaizumi since they were both in diapers and crawling around; his entire life has been shaped around Iwaizumi's existence. He's been there through thick and thin, ups and downs, never faltered, never wavered. Oikawa can't imagine life without him, without Iwaizumi there to keep him in line, keep him going.

Then, he remembers, that's what it felt like when Iwaizumi moved out.

He's not out of his life, but he's out of the apartment and he's with someone else. This is the most distant Iwaizumi's ever been and even though Oikawa feels his heart break a little more every day, a hammer every time he sees Iwaizumi, the one thing that reminds him all this is worth it is that Iwaizumi is _happy_.

"…Yeah," he says, voice cracking and hoarse. It's incredibly quiet after that and Oikawa feels numb, head bowing. His hands are shaking, he realizes, and he stares at them like he's never seen them before. "…Yeah, I would."

"Mm…"

Kuroo doesn't say anything else. He doesn't have to; Oikawa's heart jumps into his throat all by itself and when he finally admits it, lets the realization wash over him, he's glad he's sitting because his knees would have given out. "Oh, god…" he breathes, hands coming up to his face. "Oh, god…"

"I don't know if you were just really dense this entire time or stupid, but maybe you were just scared."

Kuroo looks over.

"It's terrifying, I know. It feels like the world's opened up under your feet but… at the same time, isn't it like a huge weight's been lifted?"

"Oh god," Oikawa breathes. "…I'm in love with Iwaizumi."

He doesn't hear the television anymore. He doesn't even really see it; Oikawa doesn't see anything except for the coffee table right in front of him which, he realizes, is the one Iwaizumi had picked out. Oikawa had taken far too long at the furniture store and Iwaizumi left him, came back with a slip and shoved it in his face. _"We're getting this one_ ," he said and Oikawa liked it far better than the ones he was considering.

He just keeps exhaling; it's like Oikawa's forgotten how to inhale. _I'm in love with Iwaizumi_ courses through his blood every time his heart beats. _I'm in love with Hajime_ slowly winds itself around his bones. _I'm in love with my best friend_ gradually burns itself into his mind.

And as Oikawa stands and sprints out of the apartment, Kuroo leans back and takes another sip.

"Took you long enough."

* * *

There was a brief time where Oikawa ran track before ultimately quitting to focus on volleyball. He was good, though. Oikawa's generally good at most of what he does; natural talent and genius can only carry someone so far, but a solid work ethic and determination will never fail.

"Where the hell are you, Iwa-chan…?"

Stopping at a red light, Oikawa rests his one hand on his hip as his shoulders round, heart racing for reasons other than pure exhaustion. His fingers curve over the bone and dig slightly into his flesh, but he welcomes the pain; he really welcomes any pain that distracts him. He uses his other hand to push his bangs away from his forehead as he struggles to catch his breath. People are staring at him; it's not a particularly hot day but Oikawa's sprint has him breaking out in a sweat, looking a level of disheveled he'd normally only allow in a gym.

Oikawa nearly flew out of his apartment. He's three blocks away when he realizes he doesn't have his phone but, by that point, is too far to have the patience to go back and grab it. It's probably still on the coffee table and he hates himself, realizes that having a _phone_ would be _instrumental_ in finding Iwaizumi quickly and efficiently. Instead, Oikawa's got to run over the entire Tokyo area because he's a hopeless idiot in love.

_In love._

Releasing his bangs, Oikawa uses the back of his hand to wipe at the beads of sweat now tracing his sharp jawline. He feels like he can't breathe and it's not entirely because he's just sprinted more than he has in all of college put together (including when he wakes up late for classes or exams.) Whenever he thinks about Iwaizumi, the breath is knocked out of him and he has to consciously force himself to inhale, just so he doesn't pass out and can still think about Iwaizumi.

Because it's been so _obvious_.

Iwaizumi's been such a presence in his life that Oikawa's sick to realize he's taken him for granted. He's lucky enough to have known the love of his life since they were babies and he doesn't even realize that his soul mate, his partner, his everything has constantly been at his side.

Iwaizumi's the one who stands up to the fourth grade bullies when they're just little second graders, stands with arms out, feet apart because they made Oikawa cry.

Iwaizumi's the one who comes over in the middle of a downpour because Oikawa's terrified after stupidly watching a very convincing conspiracy theory about aliens.

Iwaizumi's the one who _holds Oikawa together_ when he can't do so himself. He remembers crying because of frustration and Iwaizumi's right there, strong arms firmly locked around him, reminding him that he's survived worse and he can survive this.

His lungs are feeling only slightly scorched instead of persistently on fire, so Oikawa forces feeling back into his legs and starts running again the moment the light changes. He agilely ducks between the throngs of people populating Tokyo's sidewalks. Iwaizumi could really be anywhere, from office hours to the gym to his apartment to picking up a snack to in the library. Iwaizumi could be anywhere. It doesn't matter. Oikawa's going to find him, no matter what it takes.

He remembers laughing off the concerns of the girls he used to date, assure them that he and Iwaizumi are just friends. He never paid their concerns a second thought because, to Oikawa, it was just second nature to drop everything for Iwaizumi. The thing with Iwaizumi is that he knows to ask for help, but doesn't like to. So when he does reach out, it's bad. It's _bad_ and Oikawa has to be there for him. He _has_ to be, because Iwaizumi's always been there for him.

It's just second nature to Oikawa.

_"You spend too much time with him! What about me?"_

_"You're leaving?! Tooru-kun, it's our anniversary…!"_

_"He's not just your best friend, is he?"_

Oikawa's hands are shaking. He's never once thought about Iwaizumi being a second priority. He'd been worried whenever Iwaizumi went on a date, was scared that he'd fall in love with them and suddenly Oikawa would be second priority, but it never happened. Oikawa remembers staying up late for Iwaizumi, always feeling relief when he came back alone.

_"Didn't work out? She was cute!"_

_Iwaizumi shrugs, leaves a bag on the table. "Yeah, but we just didn't click. Those are for you."_

_"Your leftovers?"_

_"No, moron. Milk bread."_

Oikawa never thought twice about that relief. After a bit of chatting that always ends up in banter, Iwaizumi goes and washes up. When he comes out, Oikawa's already in his bed, curled up under the covers. He makes a small whine of irritation when Iwaizumi gets in because cold rushes in as soon as he lifts the covers. _"You wait for me to go to bed?"_ Iwaizumi asks as he lies down.

Oikawa huffs but curls up against Iwaizumi once the lights are off. _"Iwa-chan knows that I don't like to sleep alone."_

Oikawa can place Iwaizumi at every single important even in his life and every emotional moment. He can't believe he's passed everything off as just being _friends_. He can't believe he's been this dense. He can't believe Kuroo's been right this whole time. He can't believe he didn't realize it himself.

He can't believe that when he thought he was sleeping with Kuroo to not think about Iwaizumi, he was sleeping with him because he didn't realize he had been offered everything he'd ever wanted.

Oikawa realizes he's got to be the stupidest person on earth.

Maybe that had been the underlying reason why Oikawa's break ups never had him down for long. Iwaizumi used to call him heartless; he'd be upset for a bit, but usually be fine again after a few days. Iwaizumi would always regard him a bit warily, disapproval _radiating_. Oikawa just claimed it as resilience, a _good_ thing, and stuck his tongue out at Iwaizumi's glare.

_"Be more sensitive to their feelings."_

_"I am, I am!"_

_"Take them more seriously. Take dating more seriously, Oikawa. You can't trample on people's feelings like that."_

Oikawa doesn't know how long Iwaizumi's been in love with him, but it twists the knife in his stomach to think that Iwaizumi's in love with him when he says that.

Because after every date, fling, boyfriend, girlfriend, there's always been Iwaizumi. For the break ups that actually get to Oikawa, Iwaizumi's there with milk bread and ice cream, wraps a blanket around him and marathons Oikawa's favorite movies with him. He promises that he'll never leave him as Oikawa sniffles, adds that Iwaizumi's absolutely not allowed to take ugly crying pictures of him and have them circulate on the internet.

_"Idiot. I wouldn't go through that much effort."_

_"M-mean, Iwa-chan…"_

One of his girlfriends had once asked if Oikawa imagined a future with her. As a good boyfriend, he assured her he did; he painted her a picture perfect image of a future. She'd been happy and kissed him, but Oikawa completely ignored the fact that the person he'd imagined sharing the described life with was Iwaizumi.

Looking back on it, Oikawa is genuinely surprised at how _stupid_ he is.

It's amazing, how dense one can truly be.

Iwaizumi is athis constant in his life and Oikawa can't imagine a future without him, even if they're not together. Their friendship has gotten both of them through hard times; without Iwaizumi, Oikawa thinks, he might not be the same person today. There have been things that happened that would've absolutely broken him, if it hadn't been for Iwaizumi at his side to hold him together.

Because Iwaizumi is glue. Iwaizumi is glue, Iwaizumi is rope, Iwaizumi is everything.

Oikawa knows Iwaizumi on a different level from everyone else. Everyone else thinks Iwaizumi is responsible and smart, caring and kind. And he is; he can be harsh sometimes, but he's loyal and honest. But Oikawa knows that at the core, Iwaizumi is _gentle_. Being with Iwaizumi calms Oikawa. Being with Iwaizumi makes Oikawa brave. Being with Iwaizumi makes Oikawa want to be a better person, always improve himself because he has someone he can't disappoint.

He's probably been in love with Iwaizumi his entire goddamn life and realizes only just now.

"Damnit, Iwa-chan…"

Oikawa has to stop because if he takes one more step, his legs are going to give out. His back thuds against a wall and slides down against it, gasping for breath as he stares up at the sky. He's panting, lungs desperately begging for air and he finds it hard to concentrate on anything besides two thoughts:

_I wonder if I'm actually going to burn out my lungs._

And:

_I need to find him._

* * *

"Where's Oikawa?"

"Running around Tokyo so he can find Iwaizumi and profess his undying love."

"No, seriously."

"Seriously."

Kenma stares at Kuroo for a very long time before taking a seat next to him on the couch. His lips purse and just shakes his head when Kuroo's grin widens. Kuroo's arm drapes around him and as he pulls him close, Kenma moves to rest his head on his shoulder. It's an action they're both used to, and when Kuroo kisses the top of his head, that's also something Kenma's used to. But his eyes flutter close and he turns to him instinctively, smiling slightly even before Kuroo pulls back from the chaste kiss he leaves on his lips.

 _That's_ what's new.

Kenma had passed by what vaguely looked like a madly sprinting Oikawa on the way to Oikawa's place but dismisses it, thinking it's just some Oikawa lookalike. He was still in the process of bringing all his stuff home; the essentials are there, but he'll realize he's left something or another at Oikawa's place. Today it's a flash drive he needs for work, so he decides to stop by, also deciding to keep Oikawa's spare key.

But he opens the door, he hears Kuroo call out 'you're really stupid, you know' and Kenma stands there for fifteen seconds until Kuroo looks around, vague feeling of insult entirely forgotten in favor of the way Kuroo starts panicking.

_"Who did you think I was?"_

_"Oikawa…"_

_"Oh. That's fine then, I don't mind."_

"So Oikawa feels the same way?"

"Yeah."

"And he knows now?"

"Yeah."

"Because of you."

Kenma can _hear_ Kuroo's Cheshire cat grin.

"Yeah."

About to lean forward to grab the remote to change the channel, Kenma stops because of the arm wrapped firmly around his waist. His breath hitches when he feels Kuroo's forehead against his temple; he's frozen and is suddenly hyperaware of Kuroo's cologne, of his own racing heart, of how warm everything feels, of how he wouldn't change anything.

"Hey," he hears Kuroo's low voice and feels his lips brushing against his cheek with the syllables, "I didn't actually say it, you know."

Kenma's lips are dry, so he licks them. "Say what?"

"That I'm in love with you."

His eyes flutter close and he can't help but give a breathless laugh, both feels and hears Kuroo doing the same. His laugh makes Kenma's heart skip a beat. It always has; there's something about Kuroo that can bring people to their knees, and, unfortunately, Kenma's a person. He turns to him and their foreheads bump together. "I know that," he murmurs. "Oikawa told me."

"Yeah, but I wanted you to hear it from me. That I love you. I'm _in_ love with you."

Kuroo's grin widens and he cups Kenma's cheek, leans in and steals a kiss. Kenma shifts to face him so he doesn't have to twist his body and Kuroo's arm loosens its grip to allow him to do so. As he moves, the hem of his shirt rides up and he shivers when Kuroo's forearm brushes against the back of his waist; Kuroo seems to have the same idea, as his hand scratches gently across his lower back. Kenma moans before he can think twice about it; his only regret is that arrogant Kuroo's ego has just inflated a bit. "Stop smirking," Kenma mumbles, but doesn't argue as Kuroo gently lays him down across the length of his couch. He coaxes one of Kenma's legs to wrap around his waist, the other knee brushing against his hips.

Kenma gives a breathy sigh. One of Kenma's elbows rests on Kuroo's shoulder and his fingers are loosely tangled in his black hair while the other hand is grasping at his shirt; Kuroo's lips are moving against his, impossibly hot, the warmth from his body radiating. He can't help but smile into the kiss and shakes his head when Kuroo laughs softly, asks 'what's so funny?'

"Nothing," Kenma returns, pulls him down for another kiss. "Just…"

Kuroo pulls back enough to look at him, search his expression. Kenma's gazing at him with a small lilt of his lips and he brings both hands back from behind his neck to cup Kuroo's face as he says:

"…I'm in love with you too."

And the way Kuroo smiles is enough to decimate Kenma. Kuroo mumbles some sort of a swear under his breath, Kenma can read it on his lips, but then they're on his again and reprimanding Kuroo about profanity is really the last thing on his mind. He can feel himself slipping into a downwards spiral again, lost entirely in Kuroo's arms, ready and willing to melt into him.

His eyes flutter open when he hears Kuroo grunting. Kuroo looks annoyed and he's rubbing the back of his head as he glances at the floor and then the door; Kenma follows his gaze both times and since Kuroo had been the one hit, Kenma's just amused.

"Iwaizumi," Kuroo says, sitting up and glaring, "did you just throw your _sock_ at me?"

Kenma laughs quietly and Kuroo glares, but Kuroo can never really glare at Kenma. He sits up as well, legs on either side of Kuroo, and sees Iwaizumi standing by the doorway, wearing, indeed, only one sock.

"It was either my sock or my textbook," Iwaizumi says, sounds deadpan but Kenma can see the way he's smiling. He crosses his arms and leans against the doorframe. "So you two…"

"Yeah," Kuroo says, "probably if you didn't throw your smelly ass _sock_ at me."

"Textbook, then?"

Iwaizumi holds up his six hundred page book on human anatomy and Kuroo hesitates, clears his throat.

"You are a very kind person."

Iwaizumi relaxes; he laughs and murmurs 'congratulations' and holds out his hand. Kuroo just sighs and reaches for the sock, tosses it over to him. "Sorry to interrupt, but I need some notes I lent Oikawa a while back. Are they here?"

"No, because I definitely don't know which set of notes you're talking about, but Oikawa should know. Did you see him?"

"No, why?"

Kuroo blinks. "He's looking for you."

Kenma sighs. He leans forward so his cheek is resting against Kuroo's shoulder and he's facing away from Iwaizumi, watching the television. He can feel Kuroo's arm coming to rest around him and smiles, loosely drapes both of his arms around his waist in return.

"Do you have your phone?" Kuroo asks and Iwaizumi frowns, shakes his head.

"Left it at home. Oikawa's looking for me?" he asks after a pause. "Do you know… why?"

Kuroo stares at him for a very long time and Iwaizumi fidgets.

"…You're like a goddamn cat."

"What, you're not a cat person?"

"No."

"I'm sort of rethinking our friendship."

Iwaizumi looks slightly annoyed and Kuroo just smirks. He rests an elbow on the back of the couch, very gently and slowly moves to rest his chin on his palm so as to disturb Kenma as little as possible. Iwaizumi wants to leave, Kuroo can tell. He'd intended on staying for just a minute and leaving, because the door's still open and he's standing there.

But Kuroo knows how to make people stay:

He just smirks.

Because there's something intrinsically frustrating and mischievous about the way Kuroo Tetsurou smirks. He knows it because everyone gets mad at him about it. In fact, the only person who can walk away is Kenma because he knows, more often than not, that Kuroo's bluffing.

But Iwaizumi's not Kenma.

His eyes narrow and Kuroo's delighted to watch him drop his backpack, close the door and take another step into the apartment. "…What's with your face?"

"Wouldn't _you_ like to know?" he nearly purrs.

Kenma just keeps watching the television.

"…What do you know, Kuroo?" Iwaizumi asks slowly. He's crossed maybe half the distance, stopping by the kitchen and leaning against a part of the wall. Iwaizumi's got his arms folded over his chest again as he challenges Kuroo's look with a slight glare.

"What do you think it could be?" Kuroo asks innocently enough.

Kuroo doesn't make a habit of teasing Iwaizumi because, frankly, it could end up dangerous and life threatening. Iwaizumi's more than capable of throwing him off the balcony; for the most part, he stays on his good side, but he can't help himself right now. He's a troublemaker; he likes riling people up. It's in his blood.

The few times he does tease Iwaizumi, though, he's fairly easy to get him worked up. But the telltale signs of glaring and swearing aren't there; as he watches him, Kuroo can feel the adrenaline slowly fading. "…What?" he asks after a moment, eyes taking in the way Iwaizumi's standing and, more importantly, the way he's frowning without glaring.

"Oikawa's been avoiding me and now he's looking for me?" Iwaizumi asks and runs his fingers through his hair. "…Everything's okay, right?"

"You two still haven't spoken?"

"He wasn't answering any of my texts so I've stopped sending them," Iwaizumi mumbles, sighing and shrugging tiredly. "…I guess he's angry with me. I can't really blame him."

"He's not mad," Kuroo says. "He's—"

"Kuroo," he hears Kenma mumble, " _don't_."

He frowns a little and looks down. "Why not?" he asks quietly. "I thought you'd be in favor of me telling."

"Why?"

"Because that's how we got together, right?"

"That's different."

"How so?"

Kenma sighs.

"You wanted me to know."

"Then why's Oikawa running around—"

"He might want to tell Iwaizumi himself."

Kuroo hesitates. He had been at a point where he just wanted Kenma to know; he didn't even care how he knew, just that he would. But that wasn't Oikawa's situation; he'd just recently realized it and maybe he wanted to tell him himself. Or maybe he didn't want to say it, had some other Oikawa plan that Kuroo might ruin by telling him.

"…He's not mad," Kuroo says eventually and looks up, offering a little smile. "Don't worry."

"Then why isn't he answering me?" Iwaizumi returns and Kuroo stares at him for a long time until it starts unnerving him and he fidgets again. "…What?"

"…Because you asked him for space," he says slowly. "That's why Oikawa's been keeping his distance."

Iwaizumi frowns.

"I asked for space but that didn't mean no communication."

"Then what does it mean?"

"…Just—"

"Look, Iwaizumi," Kuroo says and ends up threading his fingers through Kenma's hair when he feels him moving, "you mean so much to Oikawa and I don't think you know just _how_ much. So when you asked him for space, it killed him. I was there when you told him and he completely broke down after you left. And I get you're worried because you care about him, but if you ask him for space and still try to reach out, that's giving him mixed signals. He just wants you to be happy right now and if him staying away so you and Semi can work, then he'll do that. Or maybe you meant something else by that, I don't know. But that's how Oikawa interpreted it. Because as long as he's around and you guys are talking, it'll be impossible to move on, right? He feels like he's lost his best friend and I'm not trying to say it's harder for him, but I'm saying it _is_ hard for him. Maybe more than you realize."

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything and Kuroo can't tell if he's gotten through to him, but he heaves a sigh and nods. His eyes are downcast and Kuroo catches the slight movements of his fingers; he's digging his nails into his fingers, though not as intensely as Oikawa does; Kuroo doesn't need to worry about Iwaizumi drawing any blood. He closes his eyes and swallows. "…I guess that makes sense," he mumbles and picks his backpack up. "Thanks."

Kuroo nods. "Uh… like I said, Oikawa's looking for you, so keep an eye out for him."

"Will do."

And just as the door closes, he feels Kenma patting his back. Kuroo moves back slowly so Kenma has enough warning and looks down at him, starts smiling but frowns at Kenma's narrowed eyes. "What?"

"…Oikawa's out there, possibly wanting to confess to Iwaizumi, and it sounds like you just told Iwaizumi the exact opposite."

Kuroo thinks about what he just said and frowns.

"…Fuck."

Kenma moves back when he sees Kuroo's palm press to the back of the couch; he manages to hoist himself, clearing the furniture easily and sprints to the door, throwing it open and mentally making a note to tell Oikawa in case this affects his deposit.

Or not, actually.

"Iwaizumi!" he yells, stumbling out and catching him just before he's about to turn the corner.

Iwaizumi looks over his shoulder. "What?"

"You need to know something," he says, taking a step towards him. "When Oikawa and I were hooking up, it wasn't just… I mean, he had his reasons."

"Yeah, I'm sure of that," Iwaizumi mumbles, expression darkening. But Kuroo calls out for him to wait and he does, despite it being reluctant. "Kuroo, I don't really want to talk about this—"

"Then just listen," he says. "When you confessed to him… that scared Oikawa. Maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but for him… he just got scared. And when Oikawa gets scared, he'll do anything to protect himself …We never wanted to hurt you. It was a really, _really_ shitty thing for us to do, but we were both just selfish.

"I thought Kenma didn't return my feelings and Oikawa… was just scared to lose you. Somehow in his head, him not returning your feelings equated to the end of your friendship. And honestly, on some level that might be true for some people. Your friendship isn't like that, but he's so scared of losing it anyway that he somehow convinced himself of that. So he was scared, I was miserable, and we're both stupid. But…"

Kuroo gives a lopsided smile.

"…Right now, he really just wants your happiness."

Iwaizumi looks surprised and Kuroo sees the faintest of blushes tinging his cheeks. His mouth opens but nothing comes out and he just clears his throat. He mumbles something under his breath and Kuroo smirks a bit, eyes softening. "Can I ask you something?"

"Uh, yeah. Go for it."

Kuroo pauses.

"…You're not really over Oikawa, are you?"

Iwaizumi frowns and sighs in a way that lets Kuroo know his answer even before his hand falls away, before he looks up. He shrugs.

"Do you ever think you could move on from Kenma?"

Kuroo's smile is slight and Iwaizumi turns to leave, brings a hand up in a wave just before disappearing. Kuroo reaches into his pocket to pull out his phone, sending two texts while smirking.

**To: princess-chan**

_lol_

**To: **princess-chan****

_youre welcome_

"Kuro," he hears called from the apartment, "his phone's on the table. I don't know what you did, but he won't appreciate it."

"…Damnit. I just wanted to freak him out too."

* * *

A part of Oikawa has always been, on some level, afraid that Iwaizumi will leave him.

Maybe he'll get bored. Or maybe he'll get annoyed. Maybe, just maybe, he'll get so fed up with Oikawa. Oikawa isn't actually as oblivious as some people may think; he's quite self-cognizant to a certain extent and recognizes when his behavior might be overwhelming.

People leave. He understands that. People drift apart over time and go their separate ways. Sometimes it's natural and sometimes it's for a specific reason. There have been people who Oikawa has been close to and they no longer speak and he's so, so, _so_ scared Iwaizumi will be added to that list.

Because who is Oikawa Tooru without Iwaizumi Hajime?

Oikawa trusts Iwaizumi more than anything, anyone in the world, but there's always that constant, lingering fear that something will drive him away. And if it isn't something Oikawa does, then it's someone else and that current someone else is proving to be Semi Eita. And if it were anyone else, Oikawa would do everything to keep this from happening; if Oikawa thought that Iwaizumi would be better off staying with him, he'd never let him go.

But Semi is making Iwaizumi happy.

Oikawa's only seen them _together_ once, at the cafe before Iwaizumi had kissed Semi in lieu of answering his question. But the way he smiled, the way he kissed him, the way he cradled his face all made it incredibly evident that Iwaizumi had grown to truly care for this person. Iwaizumi's not the type to go into a relationship without full commitment. He's that sort of a person; he's the best boyfriend anyone could ask for and now Oikawa recognizes that feeling in his gut as _jealousy_ when he thinks about the fact that Semi's dating him. Iwaizumi goes all out; Iwaizumi wouldn't even have started dating Semi in the first place if he didn't have an ounce of affection for him.

Iwaizumi doesn't lead people on. Oikawa does and he knows that's bad. Iwaizumi doesn't, because Iwaizumi isn't selfish and cowardly.

Once is enough, but then there's Kuroo and Kenma and the tiny anecdotes that accidentally slip into conversation.

How Iwaizumi smiles when they talk about Semi.

How Iwaizumi's eyes soften when Semi has his arm around him.

How Iwaizumi leans into Semi's touch.

How Iwaizumi brings up Semi sometimes and then flushes a bit, apologizes, says he'll stop.

Oikawa had ignored the way his stomach twisted and turned when he heard that; Kenma always murmured an apology and move on but Kuroo would stare at him with those cat-like eyes until Oikawa swatted at his hair playfully. _"I'm not_ " was his response. _"I didn't say"_ was Kuroo's.

"God, I'm stupid…" he breathes when he stops at another crosswalk. Oikawa presses one hand against the pole with the other on his knee. His shirt is uncomfortably warm against his body. He straightens enough to be able to take the front of it, creating a breeze as he fans himself. It helps with the heat but not with the nausea in his stomach.

He'd rushed out of his apartment, adamant on finding Iwaizumi, but now that he's looking for him, he's not sure what exactly to say when he finds him. Just blurt it out? Start with an explanation? Ask about his day? Oikawa's been avoiding him for weeks now; Iwaizumi would undoubtedly find it strange for him to see him out suddenly. Iwaizumi's not stupid, especially not when it comes to Oikawa. Oikawa is, apparently. Both in general and when it comes to himself.

Skimming the premises, Oikawa realizes he's almost on campus. He lets his shirt fall in favor of pushing his bangs back and just as he's about to focus on the light, he sees spiky dark hair and a hoodie he used to steal all the time.

Oikawa freezes and it's only after three people's shoulders bump into his when the light changes that he remembers to move.

His throat is so dry that his first attempt to call Iwaizumi's name comes out a hoarse rasp. He swallows and focuses his attention on nearing him, narrowly evading the throngs of students leaving and heading towards campus.

He tries again. It's a little better, almost nearing a whisper.

Oikawa has to keep moving because otherwise his legs will collapse; even though he's running, he swears they're still shaking. His heart is racing and he feels his head pounding; Oikawa's the victim of glares and a few curses, but he doesn't care about that. He tries to call Iwaizumi's name over and over again, but some attempts don't even sound and are lost in the back of his throat.

Iwaizumi is walking annoyingly quickly, he thinks.

"Iwa-cha-"

"Hey, watch it!"

"Excuse _you_.."

"Iwa-!"

"Dude!"

"Jesus-"

"I-"

"Can you not?"

"Bro-"

" _HAJIME!_ "

That one comes out loud and clear.

Iwaizumi's not the only one who stops. Enough people do so that a path is cleared and Oikawa almost laughs when he watches the way Iwaizumi's eyes widen, how he stumbles back and holds his arms up in case Oikawa runs straight into him. He slows to a stop and raises a finger in response to the 'what the fuck?' His feet ache. His legs are sore. His chest is on _fire_.

"Dumbass, did you run all over the city?"

Oikawa manages to nod.

"Are you fucking-are you all right? What's the matter? Oikawa!"

He holds up the same index finger.

_Give me a minute._

Iwaizumi sighs, sounding frustrated. Oikawa's arms are shaking, even with the weight he has his palms pressing on his knees. His breaths are coming out in uneven gasps when he straightens and he manages an exhausted smile. He doesn't even care that everyone's staring and he looks awful; all he cares is that he finds Iwaizumi. This has to be some kind of a sign; with no phone, no communication, no earthly _idea_ where he could be, Oikawa still manages to find Iwaizumi. "Iwa-chan… you nerd… on campus… on a Saturday…"

"What the hell's going on?" Iwaizumi snaps. "Is everything all right?"

Oikawa nods and then shakes his head.

Iwaizumi stares at him.

"...So which is it?!"

Oikawa swallows. "It's… I…"

He takes a deep, staggered breath.

"Iwa-chan, I…"

_I love you._

"Do you want water?" Iwaizumi asks and Oikawa wants to laugh because of the way Iwaizumi's looking at him. How after everything he's put him through, Iwaizumi's still Iwaizumi, treats him like he didn't walk over him in the worst way possible. How after everything Oikawa did, Iwaizumi's still going to offer him water because he looks exhausted.

"Oikawa," he tries again, this time frowning and voice holding more concern, "you're kind of scaring me-"

"Iwa-chan, I-"

"Oi, what is it?"

"Just…" Oikawa doesn't know why he can't say it. His throat dries up every time he even thinks about saying the next word; it's like his body is telling him not to say it and he can't figure out why until he sees Iwaizumi's phone ring. He's holding it face up in his palm parallel to his body so while Oikawa can see the screen, he can't. Human nature causes his eyes to be drawn to the light and even upside down, Oikawa can read the name:

_Semi Eita._

His stomach drops.

His next breath comes out choked and even though he hears Iwaizumi's voice sounding a bit more frantic, he can't bring himself to look up. The characters of Semi's name are burned onto the back of his eyelids and he keeps seeing them displayed brightly on Iwaizumi's phone. Oikawa's used his phone countless of times throughout the years, whether because he forgot his own or he wanted to make a prank call and have Iwaizumi take the blame. Even when Iwaizumi gets a new one, Oikawa always makes sure he has his fingerprint stored for easy access; it's the same the other way around. They've never kept secrets from each other and, at the same time, trusted the other to not go through texts or do anything invasive.

But it's different now. Because Iwaizumi is dating someone and though Oikawa could still go on his phone, there are chat logs that Iwaizumi probably doesn't want him going through. Emails from Semi. Pictures from Semi. There's a part of Iwaizumi's life that Oikawa isn't a part of, that Oikawa doesn't have a right to be part of.

Because Semi is Iwaizumi's boyfriend, because Semi and Iwaizumi are dating, because Semi and Iwaizumi are in a solid relationship that Oikawa isn't a part of.

Because Iwaizumi chose to be with Semi and Oikawa's got to respect that.

Because Iwaizumi chose Semi.

Oikawa pinches the bridge of his nose and waits until the heat pressing against his eyes and the lump in his throat subsides. Even after that, he waits ten more painstakingly long seconds before looking up and offers a smile.

"...I found your pen," he manages as a lame excuse.

Straightening, Oikawa pats his pockets to keep up his charade.

"Except it's at home. Looks like I forgot to bring it!"

Oikawa grins and it's amazing how he can still smile when it feels like a glass bottle just exploded inside his chest.

"Sorry! False alarm!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back on the pain train BUT LOOK AT THIS PROGRESS. GOOD JOB OIKAWA. GOOD JOB. NOW THE SUFFERING TRULY BEGINS. also, can we take a moment to appreciate my beta (loveandallthat) because when she gives me 10k+ words she's like 'it's fine no rush take however long you need' but when i do it's like 'i'm updating in two days thanks'
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments make everything better ♡


	15. cause every time that i try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oikawa’s still suffering, but that’s expected.

" _Tetsurou!"_

_Kuroo looks up; he'd been on his phone, a small smile on his lips from texting Kenma. But when he sees a short girl approaching him, her long hair put up in a messy bun and beaming, his entire face lights up. He pockets his phone and easily catching and lifting her in his arms, spinning her around. "Went well?"_

_"Nailed it!"_

_"That's my girl," he murmurs into her hair, kissing her cheek. He hears her laugh and pulls back, watches a moment longer before pressing their lips briefly. They linger close to each other even after their lips aren't touching anymore; Kuroo holds her in his arms, one arm cupping the back of her head and the other supporting her. She has both hands on either side of his face and, even without opening his eyes, he can tell she's grinning again._

" _I'm proud of you," he murmurs, pressing his lips to the corner of her mouth._

_She grins, leans in and steals another kiss. "Couldn't have done it without you. I love you, you know?"_

_He smirks. He opens his eyes this time and watches her, feels his heart swell at how much he loves this girl._

_"I know. I love you too."_

* * *

It's Oikawa's apartment, but Kuroo answers when he hears the doorbell ringing, seeing the rightful resident himself. And at first he's ready with a plethora of teases; Oikawa's hands are in his pockets, head bowed and shoulders hunched. Kuroo's through his third joke about Oikawa being a coward when he finally looks up and Kuroo stops short, immediately regrets every single word he's said for the last minute.

Because when he looks up, Oikawa gives this rueful smile accompanied with slightly red, swollen eyes and he tilts his head as he looks at him.

_"Yeah, I didn't tell him, I chickened out. Can we do all this later?"_

Kuroo's halfway to Oikawa with a glass of water when he stops and goes back to the kitchen, grabbing a soda from the refrigerator. When he sets both down and he doesn't so much as glance at them, Kuroo goes to get an empty glass and a bottle of rum. Oikawa laughs quietly. _"It's a little early for day drinking, Tetsu-chan."_

_"A rum and cola doesn't count."_

_"Yes it does."_

_"Yeah, it does. But I know how you feel, so…"_

He pushes the glass towards him and watches as Oikawa heaves a sigh and reaches for it to take a sip. _"Everything is fair game right now."_

Kuroo doesn't press. It's fairly obvious that Oikawa doesn't want to talk about it yet and the last thing he needs is for someone to pry. Oikawa has one foot flat on the floor and one on the couch, knee propped for his elbow to rest on as he cradles the glass in his hand. Kuroo's turned on the television and tries to find an alien documentary; he finds these kinds of things stupid and boring, but they usually make Oikawa feel better.

He looks over when he finds something similar, but Oikawa's not even watching. Kuroo's seen Oikawa genuinely upset only a handful of times. It's always been heartbreaking for him, not only because Oikawa's one of his closest friends but Oikawa's also one of the more emotionally staunch people he knows. Even in high school, before they'd become friends, he'd hear about the famed Oikawa Tooru, how after their loss to Shiratorizawa they just worked harder, how Oikawa had stayed strong and pushed on.

But now, Kuroo realizes, Oikawa may be a lot more fragile than most people thought, even though his coping mechanisms had seemed impenetrable. He doesn't let things show but he's not as resilient as people might think him to be.

An hour and two drinks pass (with plenty of water at Kuroo's bequest) before Kuroo broaches the subject. He looks over at Oikawa; he'd kept from looking over most of the documentary because he'd hear sniffling. People don't like to be watched when they cry, Oikawa most likely even more so. He'd just handed him tissues silently, made sure to keep refilling his glass of water. When Oikawa had reached for a third glass, Kuroo stopped him and Oikawa smirked tiredly. _"Oh? Wasn't Tetsu-chan the one who brought this out in the first place?"_

_"And I'm cutting you off," Kuroo answered. "I'm your friend and friends do that."_

_"Stop them from feeling better?"_

_"Stop them from bad decisions."_

Kuroo's since then put the alcohol away and Oikawa hasn't said anything, though Kuroo notes the slight frown.

"….You want to talk about it?" he asks finally.

Oikawa shrugs. He takes a breath and it's shaky.

"Nothing really to say. I found Iwa-chan but couldn't tell him."

Kuroo frowns. "…Did he say anything?"

Shaking his head, Oikawa reaches forward to leave his empty glass on the table. "…No, but Semi-chan called. And when I saw his name on Iwa-chan's phone, I just…"

"… _Oh_ ," Kuroo says with a little more emphasis than he'd intended. "Oh," he repeats and frowns, not liking where he knows this is going. "So you…"

"Told him he forgot his pen."

"…Did you have a pen with you?"

Oikawa smirks tiredly. "No."

_"…You ran all the way here… to give me a pen you didn't even have?" Iwaizumi asks slowly, tone incredulous._

_Oikawa's still grinning. "Yup! Sorry about that! Anyway, Semi-chan's calling, you should get that. I'll see you around…"_

_Oikawa's voice trails off and he watches silently as Iwaizumi glances down at his phone. Frozen, he sees Iwaizumi's thumb tap the red button to hang up without even pausing. "What's wrong?" Iwaizumi asks quietly, looking up with such a concerned look that Oikawa almost forgets there are still people watching. "You've been avoiding me for weeks and now suddenly you run all over the city to look for me? For a pen? I don't have a pen that's that important, Oikawa."_

_Oikawa's frozen in place. Iwaizumi blinks and looks around, seems to recognize that they're in public. When he reaches forward to grab his wrist, Oikawa's skin feels like it'll burst into flames but he makes no resistance. Oikawa stumbles after him as he pulls them into the nearest building, first classroom being luckily empty. As soon as the door closes, Iwaizumi turns to him. Oikawa's found a desk to lean against; he keeps his hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on the floor. "Tell me," he hears Iwaizumi demand. "What's wrong?"_

_"…I miss you," Oikawa says honestly, glancing up and giving a wry smile. "…That was it. Sorry. You know me. Stupid and dramatic."_

_"Oh."_

_Iwaizumi seems to debate if just missing him is a viable reason for Oikawa to go through such ridiculous lengths and, since it's Oikawa, Oikawa presumes, he deems it acceptable._

_"I know you wanted space, so I've been trying to give it to you, but… you're my best friend, Iwa-chan. …Or were, I'm not sure." His heart aches to say that. "I… I miss you."_

_It's not the real reason, but it is honest and that candidness is what he's relying on to keep Iwaizumi from prying. He almost feels a hiccup rising but swallows it and tries to ignore the tightness in his chest; inside his pockets, he's digging his nails into his palms._

_It's quiet. Iwaizumi doesn't say anything and Oikawa's heartbeat is deafening. He kicks at the ground and the squeak from his sole to the floor echoes._

_"…Sorry, I know I shouldn't have—"_

_"I miss you too."_

_Oikawa looks up with a start. Iwaizumi's standing across from him; while Oikawa's leaning against the middle desk in the first row, Iwaizumi is to the blackboard. He gives a little shrug. "I do. I know I asked for space and… maybe that was a bit extreme. We're best friends. There's no past tense of that. I want to move on from how I feel about you, but… I don't know, when you do something like that, you sort of need your best friend there as support."_

_He laughs softly and Oikawa grips the desk tighter because his knees turn to jelly at that sound._

_"It's just that for me, both those are the same."_

_Oikawa feels a bit warmer and even though he still feels like he could throw up at any given moment, he finds himself laughing a bit. His breathing is more or less steady but his heart is still pounding in his chest and he glances down at his shirt, makes sure it's not moving with the beating. "Sorry," he mutters, unsure of why he says it._

_"It's not your fault."_

_"…It kind of is."_

_Iwaizumi doesn't say anything to that. A silence falls between them and just as Oikawa decides it's the perfect time to make his escape, he hears Iwaizumi:_

_"Can we go back to talking?"_

_Oikawa's eyes widen as he looks up. Iwaizumi takes a moment longer to meet his gaze; he looks a bit embarrassed as he palms the nape of his neck. "I know what I said," he continues, clearing his throat. "I just… didn't realize I'd be losing my best friend too and… I can't lose you. Not in the romantic way," he adds hurriedly, "but as my friend. Because… you're my best friend. I don't want to lose you over this."_

_It takes a second for Oikawa to regain his senses, but when he does he nods, smiles probably a bit more widely than he means to. Iwaizumi mirrors his relief with his own smile, curving a bit more when he sees Oikawa's nod._

_"Good," he murmurs quietly. "Because, Shittykawa, movies aren't the same without you."_

_Oikawa laughs, but he feels like his ribs might break from just that. "What, Semi-chan's not as fun?"_

_"Things are going fine with him, but," Iwaizumi shrugs. "…He's not you."_

_The three words make Oikawa inexplicably happy and his palms feel sweaty despite his attempts to wipe them off inside his pocket. He hears Iwaizumi say that he needs to get to an appointment with his professor, but just as he hears the door opens, Oikawa finds himself asking, "Are you happy with Semi-chan?"_

_Iwaizumi stops in surprise and looks over his shoulder. "Huh? I mean, yeah, I guess. I like him."_

_"…Good," he says, looks up with a gentle smile. He chews on the inside of his cheek as he focuses on a mark on the floor, looking up with a grin._

_"Then make sure to get over me, okay? So we can go back to how we always were."_

Kuroo stays silent, brow furrowing. He has half a mind to get Oikawa more rum but, as if hearing Kenma's voice in his head, he's reminded that alcohol actually isn't the solution to all problems. "You're a good guy, Oikawa, you know?" he mumbles instead and hears Oikawa laugh quietly.

"Right."

"No, really. This isn't you being a coward," Kuroo says quietly. "…This is you thinking about what Iwaizumi wants. It's you being the bigger person. It must've been really hard."

"It's the least I can do," he says quietly and gives a shrug, wiping at his eyes again after a sniffle. "After everything. Even if I told him… even if he wanted to be with me, I don't think he should."

Kuroo looks over. "Don't be ridiculous. Everyone makes mistakes—"

"Tetsu-chan, he doesn't even _want_ to be in love with me."

"What the hell? How did you even get that—he didn't say—"

"He doesn't have to. Why do you think he's been going through so much to try and move on from me? He doesn't want to be in love with me."

Oikawa's voice cracks just before he brings his hands up to his face and Kuroo thinks he hears something between a laugh and a sob. "I'm such a terrible person that being in love with me is the worst thing in the world, I can't… I can't drag him back into that. He needs to move on. I hurt him too much, I don't even deserve to be with him—"

"That's not your call," Kuroo murmurs softly, resting a hand on Oikawa's back gently. "That's Iwaizumi's. He might've already forgiven you—"

"But I don't deserve to be forgiven," Oikawa interrupts in a strained voice. "I broke his heart and then trampled on it right in front of him, just… who even _does_ that? Semi-chan makes him happy, so…"

"But you make him happier. You're _the one_ —"

"You don't always get to end up with _the one_ ," Oikawa snaps tiredly, voice tight. "Maybe because they don't feel the same way, or maybe because they're pieces of shit who don't deserve you. I want Iwa-chan to be happy and… and I've hurt him too much. I don't want to hurt him again, even if by accident."

He falls silent and picks at a stray thread on the pillow that he pulled into his lap. Oikawa bites his lip. "Besides," he says, voice wobbling, "he has Semi-chan. And if Iwa-chan still feels that way about me, then… I can't be why they break up."

"…I don't think that's going to be up to you," Kuroo tries. "How Iwaizumi feels is beyond your control, no matter what you think. If he breaks up with Semi because of you, that's not your fault."

"But I can't be the one who instigates it. I can't be the one who puts the idea in his head."

"It's probably already in his head, Oik—"

"I can't be why he's hurt again," Oikawa says and this time his voice cracks. His head bows and Kuroo can see the way he bites down on his lips, futilely trying to suppress the sobs. Kuroo stands and comes back with a spare towel, draping it over Oikawa's head before sitting with another beer. He hears Oikawa laugh, despite it being short. A hand reaches up, fingers skimming over the towel.

"…You're really good at comforting people, Tetsu-chan."

Kuroo smirks, rubbing the back of Oikawa's head through the towel and just nodding when he hears a quiet 'thanks' after a moment.

"It's when Kenma used to do for me after a tough loss," he says quietly.

Oikawa hiccups and Kuroo thinks that was meant to be a laugh. "Pudding-chan's smart."

"Yeah. He is."

Kuroo hears Oikawa sniffling for a few more moments and opts to look away, tries to watch the documentary but is completely lost. When he glances over, he can see from the corner of his eye that Oikawa's bowed his head even further; Oikawa's basically folded himself at the waist and, setting his glass down a bit hurriedly, Kuroo stops reaching towards him only when he hears Oikawa reassuring him he's fine in a quiet but calm voice. He nods, despite Oikawa not being able to see it, and picks up his beer again.

Kuroo doesn't know how much time passes. All he knows is that he's ready and willing to spend all day here if that's what Oikawa needs.

The documentary ends and now Kuroo finds himself watching a bunch of people hunting what they think is some paranormal activity.

"…What if we're really over? If we can't even be friends how we used to?" he hears Oikawa's voice croak. He looks over; the paranormal thing is actually more interesting than he thought and when Oikawa's in a better mood, Kuroo thinks he'll try to get him to watch as well.

But for now, Kuroo's brow knits.

"Don't be such a drama queen, Oikawa," he says, clapping him on the back. "Being in love with someone means accepting all their mess ups, no matter how many there are. You and Iwaizumi aren't over yet."

He looks over and is relieved that Oikawa's shoulders have stopped shaking.

"I mean, you're talking again, right?" he asks, voice gentler. "That's good."

Oikawa pauses for a moment and gives a slow nod, but it's a bit stilted. "I don't want to my hopes up," Oikawa mumbles afterwards.

"So then don't," Kuroo answers and taps his beer against Oikawa's knee, letting go when he takes it and takes a sip. He still has the towel draped over him, though his face is revealed and Kuroo can see how glassy his eyes are. Kuroo's expression softens as Oikawa reaches for his water. "Just be realistic and take things at face value. Don't read into them too much. I don't think I've met two people more made for each other in every single way, platonic or romantic, than you and Iwaizumi."

"What," Oikawa murmurs in a slight tease, looking over as he lowers the glass from his lips, "you're our number one supporter?"

Kuroo smirks.

"What can I say? You remind me of myself. Of course I'm going to root for you."

* * *

_"But what if we break up?"_

_"…Babygirl, something on your mind?"_

_Kuroo looks down, lifts his book so he can look at his lap. He's met with the face he sees before he sleeps and first when he wakes up most of the time; it's strange, he thinks, that he thought he'd never be able to move on from being unrequitedly in love with his best friend but maybe, just maybe, there's someone else._

_"I love you, Tetsurou," she says softly and he smiles at that. "But…"_

_Kuroo hums. He takes one of her hands and brushes his lips against the back of her slim fingers, closing his eyes. "Why would we?"_

_She's quiet for a moment too long._

_"Things happen. People change or… people never do."_

_Kuroo decides to breeze right over the latter half of that sentence._

_"If we break up," he murmurs, "it'll kill me. You mean so much to me. It'll be the one breakup that I'll always regret."_

_When he doesn't hear a response, Kuroo opens his eyes and frowns at the way she's still staring at him. "…Uh, I know I'm not the most romantic guy ever, but that was worth something wasn't it?"_

_"…Tetsurou, did you know? You're one of the most down to earth people I know."_

_She sits up and Kuroo doesn't even blink when she leans in, stopping just short of kissing him. She's smiling but it makes him frown and he feels her other hand coming up to frame his face. Their fingers lace and when she sighs, he feels it against his lips._

_"…You only say that because the other breakup isn't a possibility."_

* * *

Three weeks pass.

Iwaizumi and Oikawa are talking again; it's not the _exact_ same as before, but it's close enough for things to feel almost to normal. Kuroo still remembers the first time he goes over to Oikawa's to pick up notes (because everyone seems to use Oikawa's notes) and sees Iwaizumi there, walked in on them laughing over something. It had made him smile and then he decided to use this opportunity to throw his own sock at Iwaizumi as revenge.

Iwaizumi and Semi, as far as Kuroo knows, are fine, still together, still getting along. Kuroo hasn't pressed any more questions, but based on how Iwaizumi laughs when he's with Oikawa and how he does when he's with Semi, he doesn't need to ask. It makes him smile. He might be an awful person, but it makes him happy.

Oikawa's still suffering, but that's expected.

"Nah, just on my way home from the grocery store. I'll have a surprise for you when you come back. …No, I won't burn anything down. I didn't even—a towel doesn't count—okay, well, nobody told me they're flamma— _yes,_ I'm a grad student!"

Kuroo huffs and stops at a crosswalk. "Look, you'll come home to a clean kitchen. No, not from being newly renovated because I burned it—I'm not going to burn it down! …Yeah, okay. I love you too."

Kuroo's smiling as he hangs up, his gaze lingering on Kenma's name on his phone before it fades to black. After pocketing it, he adjusts his grip on the grocery bags he has; he'd been on his way back from the store when the call came in and after some clever maneuvering, he was able to answer. His arms are laden with baking supplies; Kuroo's not much of a cook so when he decided he was going to bake an apple pie, he had to buy everything, from pantry staples to the pans themselves. Oikawa is surprisingly good at cooking but Kuroo explained that he plans on getting good at this to bake more in the future, to which Oikawa laughed and called him cheesy.

_"You want any help?"_

_"I'll be fine, just keep your phone with you. Besides, go hang out with Iwaizumi."_

_"He's with Semi-chan for the next few days."_

_"…Oh. Uh, you want to come over and hang—"_

_"No, I'd rather not die in a glorious fire of pie crusts and apple cinnamon mix."_

Kenma's on a business trip; he's supposed to be back in four days, but Kuroo's ready for it to be extended. Work's been getting busy for him and as the one who's done most of the coding for their most recent project, it's expected that he's flown out to all the meetings. Kuroo doesn't mind too much; he misses him, but he's also proud of him. He's even been bragging about Kenma to everyone and doesn't realize just how much until both Iwaizumi and Oikawa can word-for-word recite the entire project.

In unison.

"Shit…"

Kuroo hears something start ripping and he glances down, hoping the bag of apples is fine and readying himself for the worst. But everything seems to be in place and he's relieved, figures that for an apple pie, apples are the most important.

"Tetsurou?"

His breath hitches.

There are really only a handful of people who call Kuroo by his first name:

His parents.

His little siblings.

Kenma, on occasion.

Oikawa, if he wants to unnerve him.

And the girl who'd shattered his heart.

Kuroo's heart freezes.

"…Mieko," he says, swallowing. "It's good to see you."

He's surprised to see her but, after that, his heartrate goes back to normal.

Kuroo can say for certain that he's moved on from her. She'd been a big part of his life at one point and that breakup had crippled him more than he could ever have imagined, but she wasn't the love of his life. She isn't. And, as both of them had realized, though Kuroo did genuinely fall in love with her, even that was an attempt to move on from the best friend who he thought he had no chance with.

He clears his throat and smiles. "…How are you doing?"

"Fine," she says after a pause and he's struck at how her smile is still the same. He remembers the first time she had smiled; they met in a lab and were assigned as partners. She had been a bit quiet and withdrawn; Kuroo instinctively liked her since she reminded him of Kenma. It took a few sessions, but the first time she smiled, he could feel his heart dropping in a way that came closer to how Kenma's could than anyone else's.

It's a light and airy smile; everything about her seems light and airy. She'd been like a breath of fresh air for him and he had been so grateful for that. It didn't take Kuroo long to fall for her and when he asked her out, she'd turned so red that he couldn't help but laugh.

He liked that she got flustered easily.

Waiting at video game stores turned into waiting at bookstores. Hunting around for the best bakeries turned into hunting around for the best ice cream parlors. Nights in stayed as nights in, just with someone else leaning against him and the same documentaries playing on television. It all felt so routine but, at the same time, different enough that Kuroo felt relieved.

Looking back, it really wasn't that different at all.

She looks at the bags in her arms and arches an eyebrow. "…You're baking? You? Kuroo Tetsurou?"

"Hey," he says a bit indignantly with a twinkle in his eye, "what makes you think I didn't become a world class baker?"

"Because," she answers plainly, "I know you, Tetsurou. You almost microwaved an egg."

"…Crap, I did, didn't I?" He pulls a face and wonders how he almost did the same stupid thing twice. Readjusting his bags, he grins and shrugs good-naturedly. "Well, even the best had to start somewhere."

She hums her dubious agreement and he can see her give a sigh of relief. "What are you planning on baking?"

"An apple pie."

He doesn't say anything else, but as someone who had come so, _so_ close to being his everything for three years, Mieko knows him fairly well. She stares at him and then her eyes light up; he suddenly feels a bit flustered at how excited she looks. Her hands clap together and he swears she bounces a little bit; she actually _bounces_ , just like she used to. "Ah! For Kenma-san? Are you two…?"

He clears his throat, can feel his ears turning pink. "…Yeah. We are."

She beams; Kuroo's still smiling, but he's not sure how to feel about this. After all, Kenma was why they broke up; his feelings for Kenma had been so obvious that even Mieko had realized them. His feelings for Kenma had been so strong that Mieko recognized that and ended things. He could still remember the way she'd been crying, how he'd stepped forward to take her into his arms but she shook her head and held a hand out to keep him away.

_"D-don't... just don't, Tetsurou. Please. Don't make this any harder."_

But she seems genuinely happy now and starts even teasing him, which, naturally, makes him blush harder. Kuroo hates blushing. He doesn't blush. Kuroo Tetsurou doesn't blush, but, of course, bringing up Kozume Kenma will light up his entire face.

She laughs again, one hand coming up to briefly cover her mouth. "Even I couldn't get you to get blush this much and Kenma-san's not even here. How is he?"

"He's doing well," Kuroo answers immediately, brightening. "He's actually on a business trip; he's basically in charge of this entire project _and_ he's the youngest developer at the firm, it's a big deal and—"

He stops short because of the way she's grinning at him, eyebrow raising; it gets Kuroo to flush again, mumbling and apology and looking away. She shakes her head and reassures him, waving a hand. "No, no, it's fine, I think it's adorable. You've always been prepared to brag about Kenma-san."

"I can't help it," Kuroo murmurs before he can stop himself. "He deserves it."

Tilting her head, Mieko's smile is soft. She still likes wearing light blue, he notices. She's wearing a blouse made of _chiffon_ as she had informed him one day while they were shopping. It's tucked into a pencil skirt and as Kuroo keep staring, he realizes she looks professional. Maybe she's a professional now. Or maybe she's interviewing. He feels a little underdressed in his sweats and shifts, like that's going to help.

"…I'm glad you two are together," she says sincerely at last. "He makes you happier than I've ever seen."

Kuroo smiles and this time, even though he's still smiling, his expression isn't tinged with nervousness; he just smiles and agrees in a voice that she may not even have heard.

Kenma is both _the one_ and the first for Kuroo; some people may disagree, but even though he's always been in love for Kenma, he also fell in love with Mieko. He knows there are people who would insist that he was never _really_ in love with her, that she had just been an attempt to get over Kenma. But Kuroo thinks that's bull; he's the only one who knows how he really felt during those years, and he can honestly say that he was in love with both of them.

What Kuroo had loved about her was her softspoken but stubborn nature. She was quiet but that never meant she would back down for what she believed in without a fight. There were moments where she'd say something that surprised him, her dry wit and humor seeming to contrast against her otherwise sweet demeanor. She kept him on his toes. He liked that.

And Kuroo had tried so, so hard to make her happy, but there would be times where she would trail off and he'd know exactly what she was going to say. Because even though the break up was the first time she used Kenma's name, they had had other fights that hinted at what ultimately led them to break up. Kuroo doesn't like to lie and she'd known that, so she knew the difference between _"I care about you so much"_ and _"I care about you more than anyone"_ and why he couldn't say the second.

"Are you seeing anyone?" he asks and Mieko blinks. This time it's her turn to blush and he smirks. "What about all those guys who tried to hit on you? Was there a line at your door after us?"

"Yes," she answers.

He blinks. "Oh, whoa, really—"

"No," she laughs quietly. "Do you remember Nomura Eiji? From our chemistry class?"

"The guy who almost burned his hair off?"

"…Yes," she says after a moment and pulls a face. Kuroo laughs again. "For about a year now."

Kuroo grins; he murmurs that he's happy for her and there comes a natural lapse in the conversation. It happens; every conversation has a point where it can either end smoothly and Kuroo doesn't have a reason to keep it going. "Well," he says and Mieko starts a bit, "I've got to get these home before—"

"Would you like to get lunch, Tetsurou?"

Kuroo almost trips over his feet; he's surprised at how she'd just blurted out the invitation. He hesitates and looks at her; Mieko raises a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, something he actually used to do for her when she was upset, and smiles. "There's something I'd like to talk to you about. Something that, actually, I should've brought up a while ago. Well, given back, more like it. I should've mailed it, but... it didn't feel right."

"… _Oh_. That. Yeah. No, I get it, yeah… mail… yeah," he says and clears his throat, nodding. "Yeah, of course. You still have my number?"

"Haven't changed?"

"Nope."

She smiles and he nods.

"I'll see you soon then."

* * *

Iwaizumi's the type of person to only sleep with someone if he feels a genuine intimate connection with them, and while he does like Semi, he's not sure if he's classify it as a _genuine intimate_ connection. Also, in general, he doesn't sleep with someone if there's someone else he wants to sleep with more.

So he's not sure how he even got into this situation.

Groaning quietly, Iwaizumi lifts his hips instinctively to press to Semi's. He's met with a breathy moan into his mouth and finds his neck forced to arch more because of the hand cradling his cheek. Feeling Semi's knee pressing to the inside of his, Iwaizumi shifts a bit. Semi's breath is hot against his mouth; it seems paradoxical to Iwaizumi how he can feel so relaxed but also so overwhelming warm and breathless at the same time.

He _thinks_ that this had started as a study session, but he's not really sure of anything right now.

Except Semi.

Semi Eita's body is on top of to his, the weight comforting and adding to the shallowness of his breaths. Semi Eita's fingers threading through his hair, thumb tracing the shell of his ear. Semi Eita's mouth on his, kissing him deeply and passionately. Semi Eita's movements are slow and deliberate, sending chills up and down the entire length of Iwaizumi's body, eliciting moan after moan.

The first time he gets a proper chance to breathe is when Semi trails kisses to his neck. Iwaizumi throws his head back and presses into the pillow; it's a bit ticklish and he squirms, but Semi's hands are more than effective in keeping him still. Iwaizumi's eyes open for only a brief moment before they flutter close again, entire body falling weak when Semi's mouth finds a particular spot behind his ear. The laugh that Semi gives doesn't help much with the weakness in his lungs; Iwaizumi's manages a brief, fleeting smile when he feels kisses peppered along his jaw.

"Hey, Iwaizumi?" he hears in a low voice, feels along his skin.

"Yeah?"

He feels Semi's lips curving into a smirk before hearing the laugh.

"You're cute when you moan."

And when Semi pulls back to look at him, for a moment, Iwaizumi thinks the world stops.

Or maybe it ends. He's not sure; the world could be imploding at this very moment and he wouldn't be aware of it because all that matters right is the way Semi's looking at him, the way one corner of his mouth curves a bit higher than the other, how warm his palm is against Iwaizumi's jaw. All that matters is the light casting a soft glow on his face, shadows dipping and rising, tousled hair _begging_ for Iwaizumi's fingers to tangle in.

The world could start spinning the other way and Iwaizumi probably wouldn't realize.

Iwaizumi grins.

"You know what I think's cute?"

Semi smirks.

"What?"

"When you're under me."

Bringing a leg to hook around his waist, Iwaizumi uses momentum to flip their positions. Half lidded eyes watch the way Semi laughs before he bows to silence him. Reaching up, Iwaizumi brushes Semi's hair out of the way and focuses solely on the way their mouths are moving, wants to memorize the small dips in his breaths, the small hitches. Iwaizumi's uses his other elbow to support his weight as he presses his body to Semi's, sighing into his mouth.

He feels hands along his back; even through his shirt, the touch feels magnified. Semi's hips buck a bit and Iwaizumi smirks, focusing on one last kiss before pulling back just barely enough for air.

It's at this point that he realizes their bodies are apart enough for Semi's hands to rest on his chest and the previous haze very quickly, very suddenly dissipates as the gravity of what's happening (what's _going_ to happen) sinks in.

His stomach lurches.

"Can I?" Semi asks. Iwaizumi shivers at the question posed, both the way his breath skims over his lips and the implication, and hesitates before nodding. And then Semi's hand is on his chest, eliciting a shiver as it moves down Iwaizumi's body. It stops at the hem of his pants and for a paralyzing moment, Iwaizumi _thinks_ he knows what Semi's going to do, but then his fingers traverse back from where they came from, the only different being directly on his skin instead of over his shirt.

Nonetheless, it makes Iwaizumi sigh and shudder a bit to feel Semi's nails rake against his skin. The dip between his shoulders emphasizes itself with his breath and this time when Semi's hand rests on the hem of his pants, Iwaizumi flinches.

He mumbles an apology immediately but Semi shakes his head. "We'll take it slow, okay?" he says in a voice barely above a whisper. Iwaizumi nods and he rests his forehead against Semi's, exhaling with his eyes closed. Swallowing thickly when he feels Semi's hand skim over the back of his thigh, fingers dangerously close to the curve of his ass, Iwaizumi's fingers tighten their grasp on the sheets. Semi's movements are slow, his touches light; Iwaizumi's grateful for that. But despite how feathery they might be, when his hand skims over the growing bulge in his pants, Iwaizumi jerks back.

Semi seems surprised; he withdraws his hand immediately and Iwaizumi avoids looking at him as he climbs off. He begins to lie down but halfway through he changes his mind and sits upright instead, fingers laced to hold his knees loosely. His breathing is still labored and can hear the same from Semi; there's a slight distance between them, but Iwaizumi still feels too close.

Bringing one hand to his face, he manages a shaky breath before swallowing thickly. "…Sorry," he mumbles, "I just…"

Semi shakes his head. He looks away for a moment and even before he looks back up, Iwaizumi has a bad feeling. He closes his eyes just in time to hear:

"Oikawa, right?"

He doesn't answer. He doesn't want to; Iwaizumi doesn't want to admit that he's still hung up on his best friend, that, after everything, he still can't move on. That he's hopelessly in love with Oikawa and even though he likes Semi, he loves Oikawa in a way that feels permanent and eternal. So maybe he will be alone forever, pining after Oikawa until his last breath. Iwaizumi's starting to come to terms with that; sometimes it feels like the only person who could make him forget about Oikawa is Oikawa himself.

That doesn't even make sense.

Oikawa's making Iwaizumi not make any sense.

"Actually," he hears Semi start and immediately prepares himself for the worst, "there's something I wanted to ask you about."

Iwaizumi concentrates on his bedding. His heart's still racing but there's an added nausea; Semi's been extraordinarily understanding for all this time and a part of Iwaizumi has just been waiting for this conversation. He's been dreading it, but knows it has to happen at sometime.

"…You're still in love with Oikawa, aren't you?"

He swallows, manages to rasp 'yeah' quietly.

Semi nods.

"…And me?"

"I…" Iwaizumi starts but it trails off. "…I like you."

"But you don't love me," Semi clarifies without missing a beat and while Iwaizumi's voice seems to have forgotten how to work, Semi's is clear and strong.

"…No," he says quietly. "…I don't."

Iwaizumi won't lie. He's not like Oikawa, who will lie if it keeps him out of trouble; Iwaizumi feels people deserve the truth and if it'll really hurt them, he'll either not tell them or find a more roundabout way. He doesn't lie and the fact that he doesn't even have to think twice about his feelings for Semi versus his feelings for Oikawa leaves his gut twisting and turning with guilt.

"Okay," Semi says quietly. "Can I ask you something else?"

"Yeah."

"…Why are we dating then?"

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything at first. He just closes his eyes and pulls a corner of the blanket into his lap, starts trying to smooth out the bunched filling. But when he hears Semi sighing, he speaks up hurriedly. "Because I like you."

"But you don't love me," Semi clarifies.

"…No."

"…Liking someone is enough to date them?"

Iwaizumi doesn't know how to answer that because he's always though the answer was 'yes' but the way Semi's asking it makes it seem like he should say 'no.'

"Iwaizumi," Semi says, back to him and sitting on the edge of the bed. "…I really like you. And, I mean, thanks for liking me too, I guess, but you and Oikawa… tell me, are you ever going to get over him?"

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything and Semi just sighs.

Semi's a levelheaded person; he's kept his cool and, given the circumstances, has been extremely patient. But Iwaizumi isn't surprised when he hears a frustrated mumble under his breath; looking over, he sees Semi running a hand through his hair.

"Then, Iwaizumi, why are we even _dating_?" he snaps his question again, voice tight. "If this is going nowhere, then… this isn't middle school. I'm dating you because I like you—"

"I do too," Iwaizumi cuts in. "I—"

"Am I just some way to pass the time? What, until Oikawa falls for you? You just don't want to be alone until that happens?"

"What?" Iwaizumi looks up and furrows his brow. "No, what are you talking about? We're just friends—"

"Not from your end," he interjects. "Oikawa's never been _just_ your friend, Iwaizumi. And he never will be. He'll always be the one who got away or whatever; no matter what you say, you're always clinging onto that little bit of hope he might feel—"

"I'm not," Iwaizumi answers stiffly, tearing his eyes away and grasping the sheets tightly. "Yeah, I'm still in love with him. But I know how he feels and I've accepted it. He's my best friend; am I supposed to just cut him off?"

"Yes," Semi snaps and Iwaizumi's so stunned he's silent for a moment.

And then he gets mad.

"… _Yes_?" he echoes and sees Semi's shoulders rounding a bit. "Are you—you're serious, Semi? He's my _best friend_! We grew up together! I'm supposed to drop him just because he doesn't return how I feel? That's not his damn fault!"

"Well, that's what you were doing, weren't you?" Semi returns, finally looking over his shoulder and glaring. "And then suddenly you two are back to talking again—Iwaizumi, let me get this clear, I'm not that overly possessive boyfriend who won't let you have friends. But this isn't about you having friends. This is about you going back to the asshole who stomped all over your heart and how you're basically signing your life away to him. You can't get over him if you're still like this, Iwaizumi."

"He's my best friend," he repeats coldly, eyes narrowing. "I can't just stop _talking_ to him. That's not fair to him. It's not his fault I feel this way and don't talk shit about Oikawa, especially in front of me."

"He hurt you—"

"What, like you're being some kind of saint right now?" Iwaizumi's voice is nearing yelling, though he takes a deep breath to try and calm himself. "Just… Jesus Christ, Semi, don't take out your insecurity issues on Oik—"

"Are you fucking serious?" he asks incredulously. "Iwaizumi, I'm genuinely worried about you, all right? You're setting yourself up to be heartbroken again. This isn't even about _us_ ; this is about you protecting yourself—"

"That's not up to you to decide, all right?!"

Even Iwaizumi's surprised by his outburst. He usually keeps tries to keep his calm; he can be a bit rough, but he's got a good heart and tries to see things from both sides instead of just yelling. However, it seems that when it comes to Oikawa, logic doesn't have much of a say.

He doesn't look at Semi; Iwaizumi can't bring himself to and just grasps the sheets. Semi doesn't say anything either and a few more unbearably tense seconds pass before Iwaizumi swings his legs over the edge of the bed. He hears Semi sigh right before he's out of the bedroom; grabbing a jacket, he pulls it on and slams the door shut behind him. He's grumbling swears under his breath as he descends the stairs, shoes echoing against concrete. Pushing open the door, Iwaizumi hardly feels the cold air biting at his skin as he turns a corner and nearly runs into someone because Iwaizumi's that type of lucky guy.

And luck has brought him Oikawa.

Oikawa's eyes widened, lips parting a bit in surprise, and Iwaizumi's too annoyed to say anything. He keeps his mouth closed and looks away as he feels his stomach lurch. Oikawa stares at him for a moment longer before smiling softly and tilting his head. He murmurs 'good thing I wasn't someone else, right?' and puts his hands in his pockets. "…Do you want to talk?"

"No," Iwaizumi answers shortly.

"…Do you have some time?" he asks instead, smiles and Iwaizumi's entire body aches because he's _missed_ that little, lopsided smile. "You wanna go somewhere?"

He doesn't think he does, but Iwaizumi nods anyway and they silently start walking. He's grateful they're talking again; their time apart was harder than he could've ever thought and it made him forget how hard it was to separate his platonic and romantic feelings. But, Iwaizumi can say for sure, it's a lot better to have Oikawa in his life than not.

He's missed him more than words can convey.

Iwaizumi doesn't know where they're going at first; they grew up together in this city and there are so many crevices they've made their own. But he starts narrowing it down and realizes they're heading towards the docks even before the wafting stench of fish. Iwaizumi's even smiling a little as Oikawa slips his shoes and socks off, gestures for Iwaizumi to do the same as he sits with his toes skimming the water.

One of Iwaizumi's eyebrows arches.

"…What are we, fifteen?"

Oikawa leans back, palms flat against the wood and flashes that million-dollar smile.

"We're forever, Iwa-chan."

He laughs. Oikawa's ridiculous, he thinks, but he's also the only person who could do all this based on just one look. The nausea is quelling and his stomach feels like it's unknotting. It might be being in a place he'd already associated with tranquility since being a kid, but it might also be because he's with Oikawa. Just seeing his easygoing smile makes Iwaizumi feel better. Maybe Oikawa doesn't even realize he's the only person who can do all that so effortlessly. Somehow, that makes it more precious to Iwaizumi.

Setting his shoes and socks next to him, Iwaizumi sits beside him. The docks have always calmed him; something about the water and the smell is relaxing, even if Oikawa had complained about it for the first _year_. They sit in silence for a bit and Iwaizumi doesn't know how, but Oikawa only talks after he feels significantly better.

"Does Iwa-chan want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

Iwaizumi glances up because of a sudden horn, but can't help and look at Oikawa afterwards. He sees his soft his hair is, how light it is in the sunlight. How his skin is clear, as it always is, the way his nose wrinkles slightly when he laughs genuinely, no matter how small. How Oikawa looks over and there are stars in his eyes, how he smiles and Iwaizumi's heart stops.

Because Oikawa Tooru is extremely good looking, but to Iwaizumi Hajime, he's straight up breathtakingly beautiful.

Oikawa looks over and Iwaizumi forgets to pretend he wasn't watching. He blinks a few times at Iwaizumi's face and grins, throwing his head back. "Eh? Iwa-chan, you keep staring and I'll start charging you."

Iwaizumi scoffs weakly and kicks a bit of water at Oikawa. He whines; Iwaizumi can't help but laugh because Oikawa will probably still sound like a five year old when he's fifty and that'll always make Iwaizumi laugh. Iwaizumi exhales in a way that makes him feel like about half of what he's annoyed about just disappears. He closes his eyes and focuses on the fresh air; as fishy as it may be, it helps clear his mind.

(Or, at least, distracts him because of the stench.)

But when he feels Oikawa's fingers lacing with his, he can't help but jerk. Oikawa pulls back immediately and apologizes when Iwaizumi looks over with a start. "Ah, sorry," he says with a little smile. "That's probably not okay anymore, right? Sorry, it slipped my mind."

He knows what he means; while they'd never actually outright held hands, since they were young, they'd lace their fingers loosely as a sign of comfort. It started when Oikawa was afraid of a thunderstorm and Iwaizumi took his hand; Oikawa's palm had been sticky because he was shoveling milk bread into his mouth up until the first clap, as usual, and Iwaizumi didn't want to get his own palm dirty. So he just laced their fingers and, from then on, it became a habit.

"…No, it's fine," Iwaizumi murmurs and moves his hand closer. Their index fingers brush and Oikawa slowly moves to lay his fingers over and between Iwaizumi's.

Suddenly, the wooden docks beneath Iwaizumi's hand feel a lot less harsh.

Iwaizumi doesn't know how much time passes. He just knows that the slight breeze no longer coaxes goose bumps to his skin and the world feels a lot smaller and safer with Oikawa by his side, with his fingers laced with his. His hand is warm; it's such a light, almost ticklish touch, but it does more for Iwaizumi than a hug from anyone else ever could.

"Iwa-chan, you know, I'm still your best friend," Oikawa says after a moment. "Just… forget everything else, yeah? Pretend we're in high school. I'll even embarrass whoever upset you."

Iwaizumi laughs softly at the memories. Oikawa has his own justice system; it may not be the most mature, but it's very Oikawa-like. "Don't do that. It's just…" He sighs, uses his other hand to push his hair back. "…It's Semi," he states plainly and isn't sure how he feels about talking about his boyfriend to the person he's in love with.

It's confusing, to say the least.

Oikawa hums and their fingers remain just as relaxed as ever. "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah. No. …I don't know." Iwaizumi groans quietly, shaking his head. "I just… I don't know if I should be with him. We sort of got into a fight about—"

He stops.

"…Something," he finishes and is grateful Oikawa doesn't press for the actual topic. "And… it's not something that'll just disappear. I don't know if he's going to wait. I don't know if I can get over it. I don't…"

His voice trails off. It's hard to tell Oikawa what's wrong without telling him; what's going on with Semi is _about_ him, but Iwaizumi doesn't want to tell him. Oikawa will feel guilty and after they've finally gotten to this place in their friendship again, he doesn't want to risk anything that upsets it. Oikawa's the type of person who carries guilt to his grave; this is the last thing he needs to know and, Iwaizumi even wants to argue, it's not about _Oikawa_. It's about his _feelings_ for Oikawa.

Oikawa hums and he leans back, closing his eyes and letting his head loll back. Iwaizumi finds himself staring at his Adam's apple before the cool sprinkle of kicked water on his shin breaks his trance.

"Iwa-chan, just ask yourself this: do you want to be with him?"

Iwaizumi pauses and after a few more moments:

"…I think so, yeah."

"Then it'll be all right," Oikawa says simply and grins as his eyes open. "Iwa-chan's a good guy. If Iwa-chan has his heart in this relationship, he'll do anything to make it work, even if takes some time. Semi-chan's lucky. I'm sure by the time you go back you'll both be able to talk about it and move past, yeah?"

Iwaizumi doesn't like that his chest feels like it's caving in when he hears that.

"…Yeah," Iwaizumi says a little too slowly.

Oikawa frowns, tilting his head and focuses his gaze on him. He stares at him. Iwaizumi's never liked when Oikawa stares at him. Looking is fine. Watching is fine. _Staring_ is not, because this boy has some sort of x-ray vision. "You apologized, right?" he asks delicately, voice light and airy.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Iwa-chan," he warns.

"I was too upset," he mutters finally and scratches his head. He clears his throat and thinks about moving a bit away in case Oikawa wants to kick him into the water. "Besides," he tries, "it'll be fine—"

"Apologize," Oikawa says immediately and Iwaizumi blinks in surprise. "It's little things like this that build up in a relationship and lead to a break up. Semi-chan's special to Iwa-chan, right? So don't risk it. Go back and apologize to him."

Iwaizumi falls silent. Even without Oikawa telling him, Iwaizumi knows it's the right thing to do. But hearing it from Oikawa makes him sad. He's accepted that his feelings are unrequited and he's not holding onto any hope of that changing, but somehow having Oikawa encourage him to strengthen his current relationship seems like this nail in a coffin Iwaizumi wasn't ready to seal.

He'd accused Oikawa of being unable to let go of the past, but maybe Iwaizumi's guilty of that too. All of this feels incredibly final and Iwaizumi doesn't know if he's ready to _give up_ on his feelings.

Breathing shallow and quiet, Iwaizumi focuses his eyes on his reflection in the water. He probably needs a haircut, he thinks. His face is rippling. A fish swims through his forehead. His brow furrows. The fish swims away faster.

"…It sounds like you really want this relationship to work," he says finally and makes the mistake of looking over.

And the way Oikawa smiles, so gently and innocently, leaves Iwaizumi's stomach trying to claw its way up his throat as he realizes that he's definitely, entirely, horrendously in love with this boy.

"I want you to be happy, you know?"

Iwaizumi has to look away because sometimes Oikawa's like the sun and it _hurts_.

"…Yeah. I know."

* * *

Kenma's come back early from a supposedly weeklong business trip and has decided to surprise Kuroo. As he approaches the restaurant, he instinctively plays with the new ring on his finger.

That's a lie. It's not new. Kuroo had given it to him years ago, he had explained when Oikawa teasingly asked if they were already engaged. Kenma answered with 'yes' first just to watch his eyes grow wide before fretting, asking why he hasn't been asked to be best man yet. When Kenma explained he was joking, Oikawa looked relieved, but it lasted for only a moment before he pulls out his phone to, Kenma presumes, demand to be Kuroo's best man.

_"He gave it to me a bit after he broke up with Mieko—"_

_"Mieko-chan?"_

_"The girlfriend who devastated him. But yeah. I asked him if he minded that I wore it and he looked happy, so guess not."_

He stopped by the apartment first, going straight there from the train station. Surveying the kitchen quickly and discovering nothing to eat, Kenma was vaguely surprised to see baking materials and stared at a glopping mess of apples and cinnamon in the trash before sighing but ultimately smiling, feeling a little flutter in his chest.

He'd texted Kuroo but he hadn't answered. That was no problem; Kenma could find something to eat by himself. After washing his face and changing clothes, Kenma set out again, heading towards Kuroo's favorite restaurant. He didn't know if Kuroo had eaten; for all he knew, Kuroo could be in a café, having entirely lost track of time. Even if he did eat, he'd always eat more, so Kenma figured he'd just get take out for both.

It had seemed like a good plan, but seeing Kuroo eating lunch with someone has him reconsidering his choices.

Kuroo eating lunch isn't strange. Kuroo eating lunch with a pretty girl also isn't strange. Kuroo's a charismatic person; he's fine on his own, but if someone brings up conversation, he won't shy away. Kenma's always admired that about him because while it can be annoying if he's waiting to leave, it just reminds him that Kuroo's a good person, the type of person who can talk to anyone comfortably and make them also feel at ease.

But seeing Kuroo with this person leaves him feeling unsettled because Kuroo's not smiling. His expression isn't even neutral; he actually looks reluctant to be here. It makes Kenma's brow furrows as he continues watching; it's rare to see Kuroo silent and stoic, offering a fleeting smile every now and then. Kenma's eyes move to the girl; a plant obscures her face, but he can't shake the feeling that she still seems familiar. She's sitting with impeccable posture while leaning forward a bit and constantly playing with her hair; Kenma instinctively reaches his hand up to tuck a strand of his own locks behind his ear.

When she straightens, Kenma's blood runs cold because it's hard to forget the girl who essentially obliterated Kuroo's world when she broke up with him.

Kenma's jerked back into reality when someone bumps into him; they apologize and he stammers his own in response. He ducks behind the wall and presses his back to it; he takes one deep breath and then another, but it's still not enough. He closes his eyes. He tries to relax but he can't, just keeps seeing the girl's face every time he tries to think of something, _anything else._

Oyama Mieko is beautiful. But aside from that, she's kind, sweet, gentle, a bit on the shy side, witty, and intelligent. When Kenma first meets her, it takes him a total of ten minutes to realize that Kuroo's into her. He'd been vaguely amused; he hadn't fallen in love with Kuroo until later, so it was easy to be impartial. Her first impression on him was a positive one. He didn't dislike her. When she left, Kenma just waited for Kuroo to come back from seeing her out.

_"She's out of your league."_

Kuroo had laughed and shrugged.

_"Yeah, but I've gotta try, right?"_

And somehow, Kuroo gets her. He gets the girl who is almost annoyingly perfect and Kenma has no idea how someone like Kuroo can get someone like Mieko.

But then he realizes that there's no way anyone could resist someone like Kuroo.

A part of him has always felt inferior to her. She could easily border on the verge of being too perfect to the point of being annoying, but then she has little quirks that bring her back down to earth. She can get fussy if things don't go her way. She's probably the pickiest eater Kenma's ever met (they once have an hour long conversation about peas and corn being annoying because they just get everywhere.) She's meticulous about wiping things down but, ironically, she'll leave clothes scattered about. Her laugh can be loud sometimes, startling him if he's not expecting it. She jolts whenever surprised and the same way Kenma's console flies out of his hands, her phone does. She can be a little too stubborn and immature about certain things, absolutely refusing to budge or compromise.

He and Mieko had become friends in the three years she dated Kuroo and though Kenma doesn't warm up to many people, he gave her a decent chance, if only because he thought that she was _the one_ for Kuroo.

And, he realizes as he's hiding from them right now, a part of him still does.

Kuroo's world had _collapsed_ after that break up. Kenma's seen him at highs and lows, but never a low like that. It was like he'd lost the will to live and even now, Kenma remembers that blank stare and the way he'd hastily wipe his eyes when Kenma came back unannounced. It takes a lot to break someone like Kuroo, but she had done it. Not on purpose, of course. He'd seen her a few times afterwards and she looked just as drained as he did. There was a while where Kuroo was more lively than usual; he'd go out and stumble back drunk, leaving Kenma to take care of him. And then when he woke up the next morning, he'd insist he was fine, just fine, and Kenma just one day had to sit him down and actually _yell_.

Kenma doesn't yell. He doesn't like to raise his voice, but when he's watching his best friend destroy himself by refusing to deal with the emotional repercussions of a tough break up, he'll yell because he can't let Kuroo do this to himself.

 _No_ , he thinks and clenches his fist, closing his eyes and straightening. _…They broke up. I trust Kuro._

And as Kenma's about to leave, give Kuroo and Mieko their right to a lunch, Kenma can't help but glance back in time to watch Mieko hand Kuroo a ring that catches the sunlight brilliantly.

Everything stops. Kenma doesn't know how long he's been standing there; all he knows is that someone who may very well be the love of Kuroo's life just handed him a ring. She hesitates before putting her hand over his, offers him that same smile. Years may have passed, but her gentle, soothing smile is still the same. She pulls her hand back and leaves Kuroo at the table and Kenma rooted to the spot.

* * *

_Oyama_ _Mieko thinks she's in love for the first time in her life and is incredibly lucky to have those feelings returned._

_The problem, though, is that she thinks her boyfriend loves his best friend more._

_Putting the key in the lock, she turns and steps in. Her day had been long and exhausting, starting with an early lab and ending with a group study session in the library. Kuroo's texts had been somewhat sporadic that day; she dismissed them and assumed he had his own studies to deal with._

_She trusts Kuroo; the first thing her best friend offers when she expresses her concerns is him doing something behind her back, but she shuts it down immediately._

"Tetsurou wouldn't. And, besides, Kenma-san doesn't feel the same way."

"How do you know that?"

"The same way I know Tetsurou's in love with him," _she had said with a small smile._ "…How they look at each other."

_But the feeling in her gut twists more and more every time she sees him with Kenma. She wants him to be happy but, at the same time, it makes her feel nauseous to wonder if the person she's with really loves her more._

_Or even enough._

_She's contemplated breaking up with him; she doesn't want to, it's the very last thing she wants, but it doesn't seem fair to her or to him. Maybe she's a diversion. Or maybe she isn't and maybe, just maybe, he can love her enough._

_She's running out of maybes, though._

_"I'm home," she calls when she opens the door. Slipping out of her shoes, she looks up and smiles when Kuroo pokes his head out from the bedroom. She laughs at his hair and tells him that it's absolutely awful. He frowns and gives a little smile as he tries to fix it while following her into the kitchen. "Tetsurou, it won't help."_

_"A guy can hope, right?" he asks and her smile widens when he hugs her from behind, arms locking around her waist. She laughs when she feels kisses pressed to the crook of her neck; squirming in his grip, she whines quietly. "Tickles… stop, I'm trying to make dinner…"_

_"Dinner can wait," he mumbles and, at that, she smirks a little. Turning around in his arms, she reaches her hands up to frame his face and leans in to kiss him, keeping her eyes closed._

_"…I love you," she says quietly._

_"Love you too," he responds and she feels her heart swell at that. Lowering her hands to rest on his chest, she sighs and shakes her head again at his questioning hum._

_"Nothing… just thinking about how nice it would be to come home to this all the time," she whispers, smiling again after another stolen kiss. "Knowing I'll come home to you or you'll come home to me… grocery shopping, trying to teach you to cook…"_

_"…We could do that."_

_She blinks._

_"…Huh? How to cook? Tetsurou, darling… there's not enough instruction in the world for-"_

_"Marry me."_

_"…Huh?" she repeats, eyes wide. She takes a step back as Kuroo does and watches him fall to a knee gracefully. He's breathless; he looks a bit surprised at what he's doing, but then he's smiling and it's unwavering. There's no ring. He's in his pajamas. The hand he doesn't take comes up to her mouth to cover her gasp; she feels tears gathering at the corner of her eyes as she starts smiling, heart racing. "Oh my god…"_

_"Marry me, Oyama Mieko," he says. "I know we're young… I know I don't have a ring, but I'll get you one. I know this is sudden, but I'm in love with you. You want a forever? I'll give you a forever and if you'll let me, I'll try my best to make you the happiest girl in the world."_

_She's nodding and whispering 'yes' even before he finishes talking, throwing her arms around him when he stands. He comes through; the very next day he comes home with a ring, slips it on and kisses her. Later that night when they're in bed together, about to go to sleep, she's admiring the ring on her hand while feeling Kuroo pepper kisses on her shoulder. The day had passed in a dream; nothing felt real, not even with the ring on her finger, a feeling she's still trying to get used to._

"… _Tetsurou?" she murmurs. "Have you told Kenma yet?"_

_He shakes his head. "He's been really busy and has his phone turned off. It's why he's at home. No distractions. Even I can't get in contact."_

" _Can… can I ask for one thing?" she asks quietly and looks over._

_Kuroo looks surprised. He pushes himself up on an elbow and when he cups her face, she leans into the touch with a small sigh. "Yeah," he answers, "anything for you."_

_"…Could we just… keep this between us?" she asks a bit hesitantly. "I don't want everyone to know and pressure us or anything."_

_He nods and smiles, which makes her next condition feel even more unfair. "Of course."_

_She bites her lip._

_"…That includes Kenma, okay?"_

* * *

Kuroo stares at the glinting ring in his palm.

It's surreal. He actually hadn't thought much about it since the break up. Kuroo wants to laugh; this ring had caused him countless hours of overtime work and when the girl who broke up with him took it with her, he didn't even think twice about it. It had been a sudden splurge, though with about seventeen more hours of thought than the proposal.

He can't believe he didn't ever think to ask for it back. Somehow it didn't seem like it mattered. It wasn't cheap, but it was a ring he'd bought in one afternoon; it held sentimental value, _obviously_ , but not as much as other ones.

Sighing, Kuroo clenches his fist; the metal's warmed to his touch now and he can almost forget it's there. Standing, he leaves enough bills to cover his half of the bill after slipping the ring into his pocket. But after just one step, he stops again. He pulls out his phone and sends a text, gut still twisting after he hits 'send.' His waiter nods as he leaves and Kuroo returns with a smile, thanks him for his service.

He'll go home, he thinks. Go home, relax, collect his thoughts, hope Kenma texts back-

"Kuro."

He freezes. He has half a mind to act innocent but knows that if there's anyone who will see through it, it's Kenma.

Kuroo offers a tired smile and Kenma just looks at him. Mieko had exited the other way and Kuroo wonders if it would be better if he went that way.

"…Guessing you saw me and Mieko?"

Kenma nods.

Kuroo swallows.

"…You saw the ring?"

Kenma nods.

Kuroo sighs.

"…All right. Let's… get a coffee. I'll explain everything there."

* * *

_"Even from Kenma?" Kuroo asks with a small frown. "He's going to be best man, I need to tell him."_

_"Then… then just a month before the wedding," she says. "Okay? A small ceremony, nothing special. I know he's your best friend—"_

_"We've always been honest with each other," he interrupts gently, frown deepening. "I can't lie to him, especially about something this big. That's not fair to him—"_

_"I know I'm asking a lot," she says hurriedly and he can see the guilt manifesting as teeth on her bottom lip, "just… please? For me? I'm sorry. I-it's not just him. I'm not telling Ayumi—"_

_"You're telling me," Kuroo says incredulously, "that your maid of honor won't know she's the maid of honor until a month before the wedding?"_

_Mieko nods. "Yes."_

_She's had almost a full day to process this, he thinks. It's been almost an entire day since he proposed and given that she usually doesn't ask for anything, much less something this drastic, Kuroo can only guess that this has been bothering her ever since he asked last night._

_"…That sounds like a perfect setup for every wedding nightmare ever," he sighs finally._

_"Jerk," she mumbles but smiles. Kuroo laughs; he takes her left hand and brushes his thumb over the ring. He's not happy with not telling Kenma; it leaves his gut twisting and turning with guilt. But then he realizes sickeningly that a part of him is relieved and he nods, closing his eyes as he kisses the back of her fingers again._

_"…All right," he murmurs, half lidded eyes looking up to meet hers._

_"Anything for my fiancée."_

* * *

"It's an engagement ring," Kuroo explains and places the band on the table between them.

Kenma feels like he can't breathe. They're together in a little café and this is where he goes with Kuroo often, a place designated for when they both just want to relax. It's a place Kenma's associated with calmness and tranquility because it's Kuroo and it's warm drinks. But even though Kuroo had brought two drinks for them and Kenma's cupping one, he still feels cold.

He's staring at the ring, modest but beautifully cut and can only imagine that it looks stunning on Mieko's hand. Like it was made for her. Like Kuroo was meant to give it to her.

He feels sick.

"You were engaged?" Kenma echoes. His hands are shaking and when Kuroo instinctively reaches out to take them, Kenma pulls back sharply, a bit of his hot chocolate spilling and splattering on his hands. He hardly feels the heat though; he's still numb. He can't stop seeing Mieko handing him the ring, her slight smile. How, when she walked away, Kenma remembers all the times she'd left the apartment and Kuroo had stared after her like a lovestruck moron.

"You…" Kenma swallows before trying again. "Were you…"

"…I proposed, yeah," Kuroo says in a low voice.

Kenma presses his thumb against the ceramic.

"…You never told me you were thinking about that," he says tightly.

Kuroo gives a tired shrug. "It was really sudden, I didn't plan it. We were just… talking."

"You just _suddenly_ bought a ring?"

"Yeah," Kuroo answers, voice small. "Kenma, I'm so sorry, but we weren't telling anyone—"

"I'm not _anyone_ , I'm your best friend," he snaps and Kuroo flinches again. Kenma feels a little bad, but not nearly enough to lessen his anger. Kuroo can't even look at him; he's got his eyes fixated on the coffee and Kenma sees his entire body shaking from his bouncing leg. He runs a hand through his hair.

"I was going to tell you," Kuroo adds hurriedly and when he finally looks up, Kenma looks away. "I… I was going to ask you to be my best man. Kenma, I'm sorry, I know I should've—"

"You didn't tell me then and I only found out by accident. Were you planning on never telling me?" he interrupts. "So what if you were going to ask me to be best man? That's just reminding me I'm more best friend than the one you want to marry—"

"I never thought I had a chance with you," he says. "Even back then, I was in love—"

"So you were in love with me but you were going to marry someone else."

Kuroo stops talking. He brings a hand up to rub at his face and Kenma's shaking now, mug rhythmically clinking against the platter. He gives a deep sigh but it doesn't help and he pulls back. "I just…" his voice breaks and he stops. "…You were going to marry her," he says in a low voice. "I can't… you _proposed_ to her. How long…"

"…Five months," Kuroo says and Kenma feels nauseous. "Until she broke up with me."

"Because of that fight."

"Because of that fight," Kuroo reaffirms softly. Kenma doesn't say anything else. He's tracing the rim of his untouched hot chocolate and notes that Kuroo, usually a caffeine fiend, hasn't so much as moved his own coffee after setting it down. Chewing on the inside of his lip, he shakes his head. "It just…" he stops because his lips are dry and he licks them. "…It just feels like things are unfinished between the two of you if she waited until now to—"

"Yeah," Kuroo mumbles. "I mean, I knew she had the ring. But… remember when she went to South America for that research opportunity? She left maybe three days after the breakup, so it slipped our minds. She came back a few months later, but it wasn't a high priority to get it back because…"

"It just reminded you of how much you loved her."

Kenma's voice is terse and tight; he can't stop thinking about how happy Kuroo had been with Mieko. She was fine; they'd gotten along just fine, but the two of them didn't hang out much on their own. They were both on the quieter side; Kuroo was clearly the link between them and she made him happy. Kenma remembered asking Kuroo plenty of times why he didn't just date someone afterwards and when he answered that he was hung up on someone else, he'd assumed he meant Mieko.

"What? No, I… Kenma," Kuroo says and Kenma looks up reluctantly. "…That break up, our fight—"

Every time he blinks he thinks of Mieko. Every time he blinks he sees Mieko and Kuroo. Every time he blinks, every time he breaths, every time something in the world happens, he thinks of the way Kuroo had smiled when they pulled back from a kiss, not realizing Kenma had come home.

It makes him sick.

It makes him sad.

It breaks his heart.

"I don't want to hear anymore excuses," he says and stands suddenly, sees Kuroo's eyes widen. "I'm going home."

"Wait—"

"Don't."

"Please, Kenma, listen to—'

"No, you listen. You don't _get it_ , Kuro," Kenma says, voice holding the slightest waver. Kuroo stares at him. "You've never been…" he gives an exasperated sigh. "Kuro, you've always been the person who people want to be with. You're the person who's always the center of attention. You don't know what it's like to be passed up for someone else, all right? You can get anyone you want. Everyone you want prioritizes you. You don't know what it's like to be second or third or not even a choice at all, dismissed entirely—"

"Kenma," Kuroo tries desperately, "I've been in love with you—"

"But you wanted to marry someone else," Kenma interjects.

Kuroo falters and Kenma can see he has a lot more to say but doesn't, just slumps against the chair in defeat. He's always been like that; Kenma's been there when Kuroo gets into an argument with someone. Kuroo only argues or presses when he feels passionately (unless he's teasing), and the only time he's backed down or lost was against Oikawa. It's different with Kenma. Kuroo always stops himself short; he'd said it's because he doesn't like pushing Kenma or upsetting him. Kenma had huffed back then, but right now he's grateful; he doesn't know how much longer he can keep his voice steady.

"…Are you breaking up with me?" Kuroo asks quietly.

Kenma runs his hand through his hair. "No. I'm not, I just… I need time to process all this," he mumbles and looks away.

Kuroo nods; he still looks upset but also relieved. "...Yeah, definitely," he says and licks his lips. "I'll just… I'll give you your space."

"That would be for the best, yeah."

Kenma starts reaching for his wallet to pay but Kuroo's faster; more than enough is left for both of them and he just quietly puts his money back. Kenma starts turning to leave when he hears:

"...You're not doubting how I feel about you, right?"

And his voice is so low, so sad that Kenma closes his eyes because just seeing Kuroo's hand overwhelms with guilt. "Of course not," he mumbles. "...It's not about whether or not you love me."

He swallows.

_It's about who you love more._

The sun is disgustingly bright when he leaves. People are atrociously happy. Kenma feels like someone pulled the rug out from under his feet; this is a different kind of lost balance than when Kuroo sweeps him away. It's a terrifying one. It's unsettling. It's unnerving. It leaves him confused and alone.

Hands shaking, he pulls his phone out when he sees a text from Kuroo. He almost ignores it until he sees the timestamp; it was from almost an hour ago. He frowns.

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_you free tonight? can i call? theres something i need to tell you_

"…Oh," he mumbles and pockets it. A moment later, he pulls it out again and composes a text:

**To: Iwaizumi Hajime**

_can i come over?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "but you just made kuroo and kenma happy. why can't you leave them happy," you say in horror. "because," i answer solemnly, "i am me."
> 
> but for real the kuroken get together was moved up by like four chapters and wouldn't it just be a tad boring for it to be smooth from here to the end? :) i'm sorry please don't throw things at me
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated immensely ♥


	16. a little good luck to get me by this time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "no. nope. no way. not happening."

"Damnit, Tetsu-chan."

Iwaizumi texted back that he was free to come over, so Kenma was a little perplexed when Oikawa answered the door with flourish. He stared at him, stepped back and checked the apartment number, then looked at him. _"What did you do to Iwaizumi."_

Oikawa had looked shocked and feigned hurt before actually yelping in surprise from Iwaizumi jerking him back. _"Don't just answer Kindaichi's door."_

_"Doorbells were invented for this very reason!"_

Kenma explained the situation in one efficient breath, let it sink in while he sipped the water Iwaizumi had brought him. Both of them were quiet; Oikawa spoke first, just as Kenma had expected, but his words didn't help him feel better. Setting the glass back, Kenma pulls his knees to his chest and rests his forehead on them. There's a disturbance next to him. Kenma feels a warm hand on his back and can tell it's Oikawa because of the waft of mint.

"…Kenma," he hears Iwaizumi's voice, "look, I know this might not be what you want to hear, but… Kuroo isn't trying to hurt you. This happened years ago and he didn't know how you felt."

"I didn't feel that way back then."

"Pudding-chan," he hears Oikawa's voice next, much closer and heavily favored to one ear, "Iwa-chan's right. But also I know that it must suck to find out like this, right? So much later?"

Oikawa's hand is soothing and Kenma shivers because he can't help but think of Kuroo, how he'd drape his arm around his shoulders when he was upset and pull him close. He senses Oikawa hesitate and move his hand; the lack of warmth is disappointing, but at least that's one fewer Kuroo thing Kenma has to feel suffocated by right now.

"…I know," Kenma mumbles, looking up tiredly, glazed eyes focusing on his water as he rests his chin on folded arms. "I… I'm not _mad_ at him. He loved Mieko. I knew that and if he'd told me at the time, I would've been happy for him. But…"

His voice breaks off when it starts wavering and he pushes himself up a little, just enough so he can wipe at his eyes with his sleeve. "I don't know how to stop being hurt by this. He… he didn't tell me. And he was going to _marry_ this girl, I… Iwaizumi," he says and Iwaizumi looks a little startled to be addressed, "how would you feel if Oik—"

Kenma stops abruptly and shakes his head, goes back to hiding his face in his arms. "…Never mind."

It's rare that Kenma feels like he says too much, but it's also rare for Kuroo to be the reason he's crying.

It's tense. Kenma prays that both of them just let it go; they're getting along again, but it doesn't mean Kenma can say something like that. On the other hand, he's amused that two of the densest people he knows can offer such sage advice about love; if he were in any other mood, he might smirk at that. Seconds pass. Kenma's palms start sweating and his heart feels like it's beating in his stomach, but then Iwaizumi starts talking and he nearly jumps.

"…If someone I were in love with and dating had proposed to someone else in the past," he starts slowly, "I'd be hurt too, especially if they didn't tell me. But… in this situation, I… don't think I could actually be mad at them. If that person were to me as Kuroo is to you."

_Oikawa_ is the unspoken person Iwaizumi is referring to but all three decide to completely ignore that, especially since Oikawa is sitting less than three feet away.

"But hurt, yeah," he says quietly. Kenma hears Iwaizumi chuckle. The chair he's in creaks a little and when Kenma looks up, he sees that Iwaizumi's leaning forward, one arm supporting himself on his knee while the other reaches out to ruffle his hair gently. "The thing with hurt is that it can be the worst to deal with. If I'm mad, they can apologize and sometimes that helps. But hurt… only time can help with that. Do you still want to be with Kuroo?"

"More than anything," Kenma answers immediately.

"Do you trust him?" Oikawa adds his question.

"Yeah," Kenma responds.

"Then just… wait," Iwaizumi says quietly. "I don't know how long it'll take. Maybe you need time from him. Maybe you need time with him. Maybe both. But you love him and I know that it might be hard for you to believe this, but I _know_ for a fact that Kuroo loves you more than anyone. Not even only right now; he always has."

"I can also vouch for that," Oikawa offers and Kenma looks over to see him smiling, bright but gentle. "You know, Pudding-chan, I've been the unfortunate recipient of Tetsu-chan's lovesick woe rants. The way he talks about you… it's gross. He loves you so much. Do you believe that?"

Kenma nods. His brow furrows and after another moment, he gives a shaky sigh. "I… I _know_ he cares—"

"Loves."

"… _Cares_ —"

"Loves," Iwaizumi says this time.

" _Cares_ —" Kenma insists and neither of them say anything about his refusal to use the other word, "for me. I just…"

"Need time," Iwaizumi finishes and Kenma nods weakly.

Oikawa's eyes soften, offers a smile. He jolts when his phone buzzes and mouths an apology at Iwaizumi's glare, knows that his movement must have disturbed Kenma. Glancing down, his breath hitches.

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_can you come over_

He looks up and Iwaizumi takes two seconds before nodding, standing to take Oikawa's place. _Go. I can take care of Kenma._

He's about to thank him when Iwaizumi's phone goes off. Oikawa can't help it; he catches a glimpse at the screen and Semi's name is all he needs to see. But it's the way Iwaizumi gives a small laugh that makes Oikawa's gut wrench; he plasters a smile on his face when Iwaizumi looks up again.

Turning before Iwaizumi can realize the smile's fake (if he hasn't already), Oikawa grabs a jacket and leaves, making a detour to a nearby convenience store so when he shows up at Kuroo's, he holds up a bottle of vodka. Kindaichi and Kuroo live close together; the journey doesn't take long but Oikawa's lungs feel like they're burning away.

And yet, he offers a smile and lifts his other hand, showcasing a pack of beer.

"Whichever Tetsu-chan likes."

Kuroo smiles tiredly. Stepping aside, he lets Oikawa in and mumbles 'not thirsty.' Oikawa frowns. "But Tetsu-chan… you're _always_ thirsty."

"Then the beer."

Oikawa brings the vodka and two glasses but Kuroo doesn't argue him.

"I feel I have to preface this with telling you that Pudding-chan is at our apartment and he told me his side of what happened," he says as they sit down, glasses clinking when he sets them on the table. He looks over. "So?" he asks expectantly while uncapping the vodka.

"Everything Kenma said," Kuroo says instantly, nodding complacently. His hair's disheveled, Oikawa notes immediately, in a frustrated way, not Kuroo's natural, messy and seductive bedhead way. He watches his fingers run through his hair again to make it even worse and just sighs. He pours two glasses, lingering before adding a bit more and then setting the bottle down. Handing one to Kuroo, Oikawa waits patiently until he accepts it, picking up his own and taking a sip.

Now, he thinks, he can blame the burn on something else.

"Tell me yourself, Tetsu-chan," he says.

"Just…" Kuroo makes a vague gesture with his hand. "Everything he said. It's true."

"Tetsu-chan," Oikawa presses with a frown, "the admirable thing about you is that you're always taking the blame, but you can really go overboard with it, especially when it comes to Pudding-chan. You don't even know what he said or what he blamed you-"

"Kenma doesn't exaggerate," Kuroo interrupts quietly, tiredly. He shakes his head, bringing his hands up to cover his face. "I… I fucked up-"

"Did you love her?"

"What?" Kuroo stops and looks up incredulously, if a little pained. "What kind of question is that? Of course I did."

"Did you ever deny to Pudding-chan directly that you were engaged?" Oikawa asks curtly.

"No, it never came up-"

"Do you regret proposing to her, outside of it hurting Pudding-chan right now?"

And it takes him a moment, but Kuroo lowers his hands and silently shakes his head.

"Then," Oikawa smiles, "it's not a mistake. You were in love with someone and you wanted to marry them, so you proposed. That's not a crime. Even you can't see into the future, Tetsu-chan. You had no idea that Pudding-chan was ever going to feel the same way and, at the time, she was the person you wanted to spend your life with. You weren't wrong to propose to her and you didn't lie to him."

"But I should've told him," Kuroo says, swallowing. "Even if Mieko didn't ask me not to, I… damnit."

Oikawa frowns at the second part of his sentence but dismisses the thought, fingers pulling back from reaching towards his phone. "Why didn't you? Only because she told you?"

"That was part of it, yeah," Kuroo sighs. "I mean… I care about Kenma so much, you know? But I proposed to her. I was supposed to put her first, so…"

He nods.

"So that's why you respected what she wanted."

Kuroo nods, but Oikawa can tell by the way his brow is furrowed that he has something else to say. Taking another sip, he waits patiently until he hears, "But also because…"

Kuroo swears quietly.

"How the hell do I tell the love of my life that I'm marrying someone else and want him to be my best man?"

Oikawa doesn't say anything to that. He doesn't know what to say; he tries to imagine what it would've been like to be in Kuroo's position and sickeningly thinks of Iwaizumi and Semi. It makes his lungs burn again and it's the kind of burn that's too strong even for vodka. Oikawa shakes his head. He clears his mind. He has to focus on Kuroo.

"You were in love with two people and made the decision to commit to one because she made you happy," he says, sitting next to him and bumping their shoulders gently. "That's not a crime."

"Then why do I feel so shitty?" Kuroo mumbles. Oikawa smiles gently, eyes half lidded as he swirls what's left of his drink in the glass.

It's different comforting Kenma. Kenma doesn't talk as much; it's most likely because he's not Kuroo, but also because Kenma just doesn't talk much in general. He's not as vocal about how he feels and right now, he's hurt. Hurt can't always be reasoned out; hurt takes time.

But guilt is different and Kuroo's different. He's also not an overly emotional person, but when it comes to this, he certainly talks more easily than Kenma. He's overloaded with guilt and _guilt_ is something logic can help.

"Because, Tetsu-chan," Oikawa starts, "you have a conscience. You're a better person than most people I know. You're kind to everyone and you've got such a giving heart. You devote yourself entirely and solely, first Mieko, now Pudding-chan. The situation is complicated, but you're not a bad person. Don't forget that."

Kuroo doesn't say anything in return. He doesn't even move; Oikawa has his shoulder pressed to his as a sign of comfort but doesn't try to overstep any boundaries. He starts humming and laughs when he hears Kuroo weakly command him to shut up. He looks over and entertains the thought of headbutting him.

He decides not to.

Kuroo looks up eventually. Oikawa sees bags under his eyes, the slight redness surrounding them. He pushes his hair back and grasps at the strands, brow creasing with worry again. "...I don't want to lose him," he says hoarsely. "Because… because finally I get to be with him. And I can't imagine losing him over this. It's just like… why can't I do a single thing right? Why can't I go through one good thing in my life without fucking it up? First Mieko, losing her because I couldn't get over Kenma. And now this, I…"

"I don't think you'll lose Pudding-chan."

"I don't want blind optimism-"

"Pudding-chan's not mad," Oikawa shrugs. "That's what he said. He's just hurt and I don't think he'd leave you for feeling intimidated."

Kuroo stills. "...What?"

"Tetsu-chan," Oikawa says with an exhausted smile, "Pudding-chan's always been afraid he's not enough for you. Like how you're afraid you're not enough for him-"

"And how you also feel like you're not enough for Iwa-what the fu-Oi-!"

"As I was saying," Oikawa continues calmly after shoving a bunch of tissues into Kuroo's mouth, "Pudding-chan's not angry. He might appear so, but… he's just hurt and scared. I mean, I would be, too. The love of my life had proposed to another person. Marriage is a big deal, you know?"

"I do. That's why I proposed."

"So that's why Pudding-chan's feeling like this," Oikawa says softly. "He's intimidated by how much you loved her. It's easy to know how we feel towards someone. It's also easy to see how much someone cares for someone else. But what's hard is accepting that someone cares about us, especially if they're the person we care about the most."

Kuroo bites his bottom lip, Adam's apple bobbing. "...He's really not mad?" he asks quietly.

Oikawa shakes his head. "Nope."

And he can feel a knot of concern in his chest unravel when he sees Kuroo smiling. Oikawa playfully bumps against him. He brightens; Kuroo feels better, meaning Oikawa's succeeded. Oikawa did something good, meaning Oikawa gets to tease, so:

"Why wasn't _I_ invited?" he whines. "Five months is a long time. You would be at the time of sending out invitations…"

Kuroo stares at him incredulously.

"I didn't even know you then, moron."

"Then predict the future, Tetsu-chan!"

"What the-I can't-the fuck's wrong with you?!"

* * *

Three days later, Kuroo follows Oikawa into a bar.

He and Kenma haven't been talking; he's giving Kenma the space he didn't have to ask for. For the time being, Kuroo's staying with a friend because Kenma might want to be at Iwaizumi or Oikawa's and Kuroo doesn't want to risk Kenma seeing him before he's ready. Oikawa had seemed surprised when his offer was declined. Kuroo had glared. _"I have other friends, asshole."_

_"They must be saints…!"_

_"…I'll punch you."_

Oikawa's been fine, he thinks. He hadn't paid much attention until now, actually. Because before Kenma finding out about Mieko, Kuroo had been, admittedly, too wrapped up in the happiness of finally dating the love of his life that he'd been somewhat self-absorbed, blinded to what one of his closest friends was going through. And then when Kenma found out about Mieko, Kuroo had been too involved in his own misery to really notice Oikawa, who, despite how he must've felt, still tried to comfort him. But now, Kuroo realizes, he's not okay. He's a little too fine, too chipper after everything that's happened.

He feels awful for not realizing sooner and being too involved in his own concerns. Maybe he doesn't need to feel as guilty as he does, but Kuroo can't help it. It's in his blood to care. He's upset, he's anxious, he's worried, but his own concerns don't matter when he sees Oikawa heading into a bar before it's even dinner time. He crosses the street quickly and pulls open the door. Warm air envelopes him and it's just as busy as he had remembered it; it's a good place to catch up with friends, he thinks. It gives off that sort of relaxing ambiance, though when he sees Oikawa sitting at the bar, Kuroo swears the entire room dampens a little.

He sighs and starts making his way over, steps hurrying when he watches the bartender set down a glass in front of him.

"No. Nope. No way. Not happening."

Oikawa blinks when Kuroo plucks his drink from his hands. A brow arches as he slowly looks at him, hand frozen in place when the glass clinks to the surface. "…Would you like to see my ID, Tetsu-chan? I'm of legal age, I assure you."

"You're not doing this," Kuroo says and sits.

"…Drinking?" Oikawa asks slowly.

"Self destructing," Kuroo answers. "You're not going to shut down and spiral downwards because, Oikawa, I know that's what you're going to do. I'm not allowing it. No."

"It's one drink, Tetsu-chan," Oikawa laughs, but it's slight and tired. He flashes a smile, but Kuroo's expression doesn't flicker; he remains as stoic as always and watches Oikawa's eyes focus on the napkin set in front of him. "Besides, I'm fine, aren't I?"

"That's where it starts," Kuroo presses. "You're the most annoying kind of smart asshole."

"You'd know, right?"

"See, this is what I'm talking about."

"It's a joke," Oikawa laughs, averting his eyes. "Too mean for you?"

"Oikawa," Kuroo starts tiredly, "I'm worried about you, all right?"

In the last few weeks, Oikawa has been okay. _Too_ okay. He smiles. He beams. He chirps. He laughs. He goes out. He acts like how he always has been and while Oikawa's an amazing actor, Kuroo knows to not believe him because he and Oikawa are the same in how they shut down:

By not shutting down.

Because this is how Kuroo had reacted to the breakup. At night he'd be hollow and just lay in bed, stare aimlessly. But during the day he'd go out; he'd force himself to be _normal_ and entirely disconnect himself from the hurt and heartbreak. But the problem with suppressing everything is that it doesn't go away; Kuroo can remember the night he'd finally cracked and Kenma had hugged him all night until Kuroo could breathe again.

He doesn't want Oikawa to have to reach that point of utter, complete, unequivocal despair. The only worse thing than going through heartbreak is to feel all of it all at once.

Kuroo thinks he might be the only one who realizes, which he both does and doesn't understand. He and Oikawa are similar; they both share this way to react, so it makes sense Kuroo realizes it. Kenma isn't like them; he's keen and has most likely picked up on Oikawa's behavior, but also most likely has dismissed it.

But what Kuroo doesn't get is how _Iwaizumi_ doesn't realize it. He has to; he grew up with Oikawa. Kuroo remembers Iwaizumi telling him how he's always looked out for Oikawa and kept him from going too far, from pushing physical limits to neglecting his mental health because he's just so focused on a single goal. And for the entire duration of their friendship, Kuroo's seen that happen over and over again. It takes him a while to be able to pick up on the slight indicators of Oikawa's true mood, but Iwaizumi always knows and acts accordingly.

But, then again, they just started talking again. And on top of that, he's got Semi; Kuroo wouldn't blame Iwaizumi if he was so desperate to keep the two important people in his life that he'd overlook his best friend veering down the very path he's been pulling him back from all this time.

That, or Oikawa's a hell of an actor.

"I'm not going to explode like a bomb, Tetsu-chan," Oikawa murmurs and calmly takes back his drink with two fingers. "I'm a human being."

"Right," Kuroo says. "You're a person and you have feelings. Look, I'm here. I'm all yours, okay? Talk to me. Say whatever. Hit me if you want. You can't keep all this bottled up."

"I'm fine," Oikawa says curtly, words spilling into his drink as he takes a sip. "I made my decision. Iwa-chan is happy with Semi-chan, and if he's happy, I'm happy. Really. I don't want to talk about it."

"Just tell—"

"I _can't_ ," Oikawa says and his voice is strained, tight, and heartbreaking. "He's falling _in love_ with him."

Kuroo doesn't say anything. He watches as Oikawa's brow furrows and finishes the rest of his drink in one gulp. Sighing, he calls the bartender over and holds up two fingers. He vaguely hears Oikawa make some sort of smug hum, but even his arrogance is a little stifled. Kuroo knows the feeling and that's the only reason why he relents. "Of whatever he had," he says.

"Comin' right up."

"Thanks, Tetsu-chan, but you're a little too involved with someone to get in my pants," Oikawa remarks. He looks over and Kuroo just stares at him with that same unreadable expression. Kuroo's eyes search Oikawa's expression, looks for anything tell tale.

There's nothing.

Oikawa blinks, jolts a little. Kuroo watches him pull his phone out and stare at the screen; he quietly asks 'what?' and Oikawa just holds it up.

**From: Iwa-chan**

_you okay? havent heard from you all day_

"You gonna—"

"No," Oikawa says and puts his phone back in his pocket, looking over and smiling. "He's going on a date with Semi-chan tonight! I actually helped Semi-chan pick out a cologne; Iwa-chan's actually got a pretty sensitive sense of smell and since it's a big night, I figured everything should go as well as possible. Semi-chan really likes Iwa-chan, did you know that? I mean, I don't think he likes _me_ very much, if at all, but we do talk every now and then. Iwa-chan's my best friend, so obviously I want to get along with his boyfriend. Semi-chan's really hardworking and, like Iwa-chan, he goes all out on everything. He tries really hard to make Iwa-chan happy. I told him that Iwa-chan appreciates home cooking, even if it's nothing gourmet, and next thing I know Semi-chan's got like five cookbooks and is sending over recipes, asking which ones Iwa-chan would like the best. He also puts a lot of effort into the smallest things for Iwa-chan. You know how Iwa-chan and I buy each other little key chains whenever we visit somewhere? Semi-chan does something like that, except whatever little trinket he sees. Sometimes it's a stuffed animal, other times one of those collectible spoons. And I get a preview of everything he's considering because even though he thinks I'm scum of the world, he does know that I'm most likely to know what Iwa-chan likes the best. Semi-chan really, really, really likes Iwa-chan. He tries really hard to make him happy."

Oikawa sighs, his exhale slumping his shoulders as his back hunches.

"…He tries _really_ hard to make Iwa-chan _really_ happy."

Lifting his drink, Kuroo watches the way Oikawa holds the glass and swirls what's left inside. Watching Oikawa worsens Kuroo's inner turmoil; while he's trying to stay calm and rational with everything happening between Kenma and him, Oikawa seems to be trying to find an eye in the hurricane. It's a good thing, he knows, that he's trying to help Iwaizumi and Semi, but he's entirely sabotaging himself; he doesn't _need_ to help Semi all this much. It would be easy for him to not give what Kuroo assumes to be genuine opinions (after all, why else would he keep asking him?), but he is and as noble as it is, Kuroo thinks it's killing him so much that there's residual pain for him to feel.

Oikawa finishes his drink. "Sorry, Tetsu-chan," he mumbles quietly. "I really don't want to talk right now."

Kuroo hesitates but nods, standing slowly. He lingers for a moment before pushing his mostly untouched drink to Oikawa, mumbling 'I'm a text away if you do' and leaving after Oikawa's nod.

* * *

Kuroo means well, but the last thing Oikawa wants to do is talk. It won't help; it's not even a matter of not knowing what to say. It's a matter of saying the same thing over and over again except phrasing it differently. All it does is remind him of why he's upset and while some people benefit from that, Oikawa doesn't.

He doesn't want to talk.

He just wants to get stupid drunk and stop feeling.

Oikawa's actually pleasantly surprised he's held it together for this long; he has, on some level, known that he is stupidly good at denial, but this has to be a new record. From realizing he's in love with Iwaizumi to realizing he can't confess to realizing he messed up his chance to get everything he's ever wanted, it's been a constant emotional roller coaster that Oikawa is only now beginning to feel rickety in. Helping Semi is his way of trying to alleviate some of the guilt of hurting Iwaizumi, but then he feels selfish for even thinking that. Oikawa is Iwaizumi's best friend; he _should_ be helping that relationship.

Oikawa feels like a bad person.

He is a bad person.

Finishing his glass, he signals to the bartender for another. He had had another after Kuroo left; he's certainly not holding back on the liquor and Oikawa's beginning to feel his head spin, a pleasant buzz on his skin. Oikawa's not one who's good at dealing with unfortunate things. Being surpassed in volleyball led to a knee injury that still bothers him from time to time if he's not careful. Feeling like he was going to lose his best friend led him to lash out and _actually_ lose his best friend. His natural instinct is to avoid the topic; Oikawa doesn't know if he actually expects it to resolve itself, but he does know his plan is to keep running away, run fast and run far so it can never catch up.

Tipping his head back, Oikawa downs the shot and winces at the taste.

Alcohol is fun.

It's fine, he thinks, as long as Iwaizumi doesn't find out. Iwaizumi would stop him. Iwaizumi's like Kuroo, except he's _Iwaizumi_. Iwaizumi's the only one who can probably pull Oikawa back before he gets in too far because that's exactly what he's been doing their whole lives. But Oikawa doesn't want to worry him; he has the whole thing figured out, his plan relying on being just fine enough to not worry him and taking time to recover from the façade when he's busy with Semi.

Oikawa has it all figured out.

Iwaizumi won't find out.

Kuroo will remain satiated.

And he'll just… be fine, at the basest level.

"Oi. Oikawa Tooru, right?"

Oikawa's not in the mood to be spoken to, but he nods anyway. "Need something?" he mumbles, looking over to see four guys standing there. They look vaguely familiar but he can't place them and doesn't think much of it; Oikawa's met tons of people, and knows the names of only a small fraction.

One of them sizes him up and smirks. "Why don't you come with us?"

His eyes narrow and laughs dryly. "Ahh, not tonight. Not feeling up to it, sorry."

His heart hurts. It actually physically hurts and feeling the burn of alcohol is the only thing that even comes close to distracting him. But that's not enough; he can keep drinking, but the burn is only temporary. Once it subsides, he's left with that awful feeling in his chest again and Oikawa would do anything to just forget about it.

He doesn't like emotions very much. He never has because he'll go from feeling nothing to feeling everything and it's overwhelming. Maybe that says something about how he chooses to deal with things, but if the problem is not wanting to feel _at all_ , feeling in lesser quantities isn't the most appealing alternative.

"Come on now, _Tooru_ ," Oikawa hears as a purr dangerously close to his ear. A hand presses right by his elbow; Oikawa knows they're not stupid enough to start a fight in front of the bartender, and yet he shakes his head when he gives him an inquiring glance. _I'm fine_ he says. "Why don't we have some fun?"

"You know, you really sound like you're hitting on me," Oikawa mumbles. His stool gets kicked for that; Oikawa's free hand grasps the edge of the bar to steady himself as he looks over, expression calm. He sees the three guys behind the one talking flinch under his glare and he relaxes into a nonchalant smile.

"Everything all right here?" the bartender asks slowly, coming over while polishing a glass. He eyes the four suspiciously and then turns to Oikawa with a concerned frown.

Oikawa's smile widens and he nods. "Fine! I just lost my balance."

"You sure? Those stools are pretty sturdy."

"I'm fine, really."

The bartender nods but he looks dubious and leaves to tend to a few new patrons. Once his back is turned, Oikawa faces the other guy again and looks him over. Oikawa's a rational person; he can assess the pros and cons of any given situation relatively quickly to make an informed decision. And right now, the list is as follows:

Cons:

He's tipsy. Maybe actually drunk, but definitely tipsy.

He's outnumbered.

He's athletic but not trained to fight.

He's not in a good mental place.

Pros:

It'll be fun.

He smirks. "All right, I changed my mind. Let's take this outside, shall we?"

Oikawa catches the bartender's eye again; he looks concerned but Oikawa just waves him off. Two are behind him and two are in front; Oikawa silently follows them into a nearby alley and has his hands in his pockets, squaring his shoulders. "So," he says, voice crisp and clear, "you must either be from teams we've beaten or boyfriends of girls I've dated. Given a zero tolerance policy on violence for sports teams, I'll assume you're the latter."

Oikawa hums and looks around, smiles. "All for me? How flattering."

"Shut the fuck-!"

One of them starts lunging forward and Oikawa just looks over his shoulder passively, watches another restrain him. He smirks but faces forward when he hears the crunching of gravel underneath footsteps. It's the main one again; he keeps his eyes half lidded even when he's close, challenges his gaze easily. "You think you're hot shit, don't you?"

"Enough for your girlfriend," he murmurs, reaching for his phone when he feels it vibrate against his thigh. He breaks eye contact first to check the message and his brow furrows to see it's Iwaizumi again. "Sorry," he says airily and unlocks it to respond, "have to answer this. Then I'll be all yours, don't worry."

He pauses to smile sweetly. "I'm quite popular, but the four of you must know that, right?"

The first punch to his gut knocks the breath out of his body and phone out of his hands. He laughs; it's strained and breathy, but Oikawa laughs because that pain is the first, solid, attributable feeling in weeks. His head is spinning. It's hard to breathe. He can't straighten. His blood is pounding. Adrenaline courses through his veins. He feels something besides paralyzing guilt and regret.

He looks up and he smirks.

"Is that all you've got?"

The next hit is a fist to his face and his ears ring after that one, but he's given no time to recover before another blow to his stomach sends him crashing into the nearby garbage cans. Hands struggling to find something solid to support themselves on, Oikawa tastes blood and feels a sting when his tongue touches to the corner of his mouth. He hears footsteps approaching him and when he opens his eyes, he smirks again, wound on his lip threatening to split even further.

"You won't be able to smirk for much longer, pretty boy." Gravel crunches and Oikawa's heart beats furiously.

"You don't think much of me, do you?"

Oikawa hasn't had extensive training in fighting, but he is agile. Bringing a foot up, he kicks the closest one away and is on his feet immediately after. He ducks an incoming punch and jabs his elbow in his stomach. A hand grabs his other arm and continuing the momentum, Oikawa twists his body so the single movement successfully hits two of them. He jerks his arm free and brings his heel to the back of the fourth one's knees, crippling him immediately.

He hears footsteps approaching; turning, Oikawa just barely manages to avoid another punch, but this time momentum works against him and immobilizes him for two seconds too long. One of the other three grabs him from behind; both his arms are held captive, but he does manage another harsh kick, heel first and straight into his attacker's gut. He grunts again but Oikawa's smirk is short lived because he's hit again. As he hunches over from the impact, another fist collides with his cheekbone and the searing pain is interrupted only by a harsh twist of his arm. Luckily he doesn't hear anything crack, but it is enough for him to yelp out in pain, his dominant arm now more or less out of commission.

He stumbles to the ground, left hand coming to hold his shoulder. Still wincing in pain, he glares as the four approach him. "This doesn't seem quite fair, you know? Each of your girlfriends leaving you for me? Impressive. Four of you ganging up on me? Cowardly."

His eyes widen when he sees something metal catching in the moonlight; two of them have pipes, he realizes. It's like some scene out of a movie, he thinks, except if he's hit hard enough, there's no way he'll survive. His blood rushes through his body and for a moment, everything is numb.

And then, for some inexplicable reason, he starts laughing, stopping only when he accidentally puts pressure on his right arm. He's sore but all that riveting pain has somehow lessened; maybe it's adrenaline, he thinks, or maybe it's because there's just something wrong with him. He doesn't know. He doesn't really want to know.

"You want your revenge, right? All right, here's your chance."

His smirk widens.

"Just get it all out of your system."

He's entirely forgotten about his phone; a hand grabs his shirt and hoists him up again and though he puts up his best effort, he only really has the time to defend himself instead of even thinking of offense. The device has skittered a fair distance away, screen still lit up to the last accidentally sent message.

**To: Iwa-chan**

_ye_

* * *

Putting his phone away after the text, Iwaizumi looks up in time to see Semi coming out from the bathroom, still trying to fix his collar. Laughing quietly, Iwaizumi steps forward and does it for him; he catches a whiff of his cologne and leans in, teases a kiss against his jaw.

_"You're still here."_

_"I live here," Semi answers plainly._

_Iwaizumi nods stiffly before his eyes drop to his feet. After his talk with Oikawa, he'd gone back to Semi's. He didn't know what he was expecting when rapping on his door, but for some reason, Semi being at his own place was surprising and shocked Iwaizumi when he opened the door._

_Semi usually was glad to see him, giving a little smile and moving aside to let him in. But this time he crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe, kept the door just barely open enough with his foot and waited._

_"…I'm sorry," Iwaizumi starts and stops to run a hand through his hair. "I… yeah, you're right. This isn't fair to you. I just…"_

_"Hurry up, Iwaizumi."_

_Iwaizumi flinches at his bluntness but nods. "…I don't know if I'm ready to be over Oikawa," he mumbles quietly. "I mean… I know he doesn't feel the same way, so there was never anything between us to be finished. But after being in love with him for so long… it's hard to actually accept that I'm moving on. Maybe it makes no sense, fuck, I'm not good at explaining, but… I do care about you, Semi."_

_Semi stares at him. His glare lessens but he still hasn't moved; Iwaizumi can feels his heart pounding in his chest and swallows nervously._

_"…The thing about not being ready to move on from Oikawa," he says finally, words coming out slowly. "…Explain that more."_

_"Like…" Iwaizumi exhales slowly before weakly shrugging. "I'm not… expecting him to feel the same way. I don't know, maybe it's me clinging onto something just because I'm used to it. Or maybe I'm a masochist. I know he doesn't feel the same way. I'm not expecting him to and my not being ready to move on… it's just because this is how it's been for years. It's not like he's breaking up with me but finally giving up what I already know won't happen… it's a lot harder than I thought. I didn't realize there was a difference between knowing he doesn't feel the same way and accepting it. I… I think that eventually I'll be ready to move on. It's just not right now."_

_Iwaizumi looks down, shrugs again. "That being said, I understand if you want to break up. Really, it's not fair to you that I'm too scared to finally start moving on."_

_"Is that what you want? To break up?"_

_It takes Iwaizumi a moment. He's staring at the small scratch on the doorframe, remembers it from when he and Semi were moving a table from a neighbor. Semi had said something and Iwaizumi started laughing, losing his grip and scraping the leg. He'd shaken his head when he apologized and offered to get another, but Semi had smirked and murmured that it was "Iwaizumi customized."_

_"…No," he says and looks up, offering a smile. "…I like you, Semi. As selfish as it is… I don't want to break up."_

_And it's then that Semi's eyes soften, that he mumbles 'good' and steps back, pushing the door open and gesturing with his head to invite him in. "Because neither do I."_

"Reservations, huh? Must be a fancy place."

Iwaizumi smirks and steps back. "What, surprised? I can be classy."

"Always keeping me on my toes, huh, Iwaizumi?"

Curve of his lips faint, Iwaizumi leans in again and this time his lips press to Semi's. His hands come up to rest on his shirt, crisp and clean; nails raking over his chest, Iwaizumi feels Semi's hands coming to a rest on his hips. He takes a tentative step forward and Semi seems to understand; he takes one back and the pattern continues until Iwaizumi has him pressed to a wall, hands moving up to cup his face. His fingers curl; nails scratching over Semi's skin, Iwaizumi feels his lips curling as he pulls him closer.

It's when he's starting to feel a little too warm that he pulls back, murmurs 'we _just_ got dressed' and lingers his gaze a little too long on the way one corner of Semi's lips etches higher than the other. Clearing his throat, Iwaizumi straightens his clothes. His skin prickles when Semi approaches him; his eyes close instinctively when Semi fixes the collar of his shirt and he smiles, laughs quietly when calloused fingers brush over a sensitive spot on his neck.

"Oi—that tickles," he mumbles.

Semi doesn't seem to catch the slip that makes Iwaizumi's heart jump to his throat. He raises an eyebrow and repeats the motion. "Huh. You're ticklish?"

"Don't you dare."

"Don't I dare what?"

" _Semi_."

" _Iwaizumi."_

The restaurant isn't exactly close, but Iwaizumi doesn't mind walking and, luckily, Semi doesn't either. Their fingers lace together but Iwaizumi finds himself adjusting their hands every few blocks because something feels wrong, something feels off. Holding Semi's hand seems to be a conscious effort sometimes and he's not sure that's how it's supposed to be.

But sometimes it's unconscious, so there's that, at least.

"So, what, is tonight an anniversary?"

Iwaizumi looks over. "You don't know?"

Semi blinks. "…No, I don't. …Sorry?"

Iwaizumi starts laughing, shakes his hand and mumbles that it's fine. "I forget not everyone makes a huge fuss over stuff like this," he says as they start walking when the light turns. "Oikawa was just always on top of stuff like this. I ended up memorizing all his stupid anniversaries with his girlfriends during high school because, more often than not, I somehow had to help out."

Semi hums; Iwaizumi's stomach drops because he realizes he's talking about the guy he's in love with to the guy he's dating on their anniversary (Iwaizumi isn't sure how many months, exactly, he just knows it's a monthly one), but Semi doesn't seem bothered. Maybe this is okay, he thinks. It's ridiculous to expect him to not talk about his best friend, Oikawa. He just can't talk about the love of his life, Oikawa. But best friend Oikawa is fine.

"Sounds like him," Semi murmurs. "He was infamous, even at Shiratorizawa. Heard rumors about him all the time. Did he really fill a cafeteria with pink streamers and balloons?"

"No."

"Oh."

"He made me do that."

" _Oh_."

Semi smirks. They stop at another light and this time he leans in; their lips brush briefly because neither of them are exactly fond of being affectionate in public, but it's a special night, Iwaizumi thinks. "What a good friend."

Iwaizumi scoffs. "The best."

His phone buzzes when they've just stepped inside the restaurant and he pulls it out, mumbling an apology. Semi just nods; he heads over to look at the menu posted in a glass case on the wall and Iwaizumi's brow knits to see it's from Oikawa. His thumb swipes over the glass to unlock his phone so he can read the message.

**From: Shittykawa**

_ye_

Iwaizumi feels like he can't breathe properly.

"Everything all right?"

Iwaizumi inhales. Oikawa isn't known for short texts; he decorates them profusely to the point of being utterly _annoying_. Even when upset, Oikawa still texts brightly and cheerfully. Oikawa doesn't convey anger or irritation through texting.

He calls.

So as he stares at the single word that he assumes is likely the beginning of a different message, his grip tightens on his phone. When he looks up, Semi is just looking at him, a sort of _seriously?_ expression that Iwaizumi immediately apologizes for, mumbles the words and looks away for a moment. The guilt claws at him but Iwaizumi doesn't even think twice about it; he clears his throat. "I know tonight is special, I just… I've got a bad feeling."

He doesn't need to say it's from Oikawa. Semi doesn't need to ask; it's in his expression, it's the way he was staring at his phone.

"He's probably _fine_ , Iwaizumi," Semi tries and Iwaizumi hears annoyance edging on his voice. "Or he did that by accident—"

"But what if he's not?"

"And what if he is?"

"Then I come back—"

"Knowing you, you won't rest until you've found him," Semi interrupts, rubbing his face tiredly, "and he could be anywhere. We'll have long missed our reservation, restaurant will probably be closed…"

Iwaizumi feels guilty but not enough to acquiesce. He just looks at the phone again and tries to smile as gently as he can. "…I'll make it up to you. I promise."

Semi just shrugs, mumbles something Iwaizumi doesn't stick around long enough to hear. His eyes are back on his phone, composing his text and heart racing.

**To: Shittykawa**

_on my way_

The moment he steps outside, Iwaizumi starts running. He doesn't know exactly where Oikawa is, but he has Oikawa's favorite places to go memorized; he easily knows the most efficient way to check them all, peers through windows for chestnut hair or a bunch of girls staring at the same person (either works, really.) The restaurant he and Semi were at is close to most of Oikawa's favorite hang out places, luckily. But with every failure, his beating heart grows more erratic.

He's got a bad, bad feeling.

**To: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_do you k now wehre oiakawa is?_

His typing's atrocious but, given Kuroo's texting when drunk, he should still understand it.

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_was with him at bar. whats with that typing?_

Iwaizumi turns on his heel and starts sprinting the other way.

He can't explain it; he has a terrible feeling and, when it comes to Oikawa, it's always better to be safe than sorry. Oikawa's always muted how he feels until it becomes too much and, until recently, Iwaizumi was confident he'd always be there if he was feeling overwhelmed. But given the new strains in their friendship, he's not sure if he can say that; he wants to be, more than anything, but it just might not be possible. And if Oikawa gets hurt because of that, Iwaizumi doesn't think he could forgive himself.

Nobody assigned him the task of taking care of Oikawa, but it's what he does. It's what a best friend does.

Slowing to a halt outside the bar he assumes Kuroo's talking about, Iwaizumi looks up at the sign. It's where he first saw Oikawa and Kuroo and ended up punching the latter. It's Oikawa's favorite bar; if he's not at home, Kuroo's, or his favorite cafes, he's either shopping or drinking, Iwaizumi thinks, and he'd rather check this one bar before sprinting up and down some of Tokyo's biggest streets. He pushes the door open and immediately feels the alcohol-laden, warm air enveloping him. Looking around, he frowns; he doesn't see Oikawa among all the patrons. Swearing, he leaves. _Ginza…? He was talking about a budget though… damnit, Oikawa…_

Grumbling under his breath, Iwaizumi steps back out. He runs a hand through his hair and looks around, picks a direction and starts walking; his steps are still slow, focusing on deciding where to go before just sprinting.

"How do you like that, pretty boy?!"

Iwaizumi stops and looks over his shoulder, past the door he just exited from. His brow furrows; that voice isn't Oikawa, he thinks, but he's never been the type to walk away from trouble if he senses it. He retraces his steps and when he hears a groan, his pace quickens until he's full on sprinting, coming around the corner and stands at the entrance of an alley populated by garbage cans and five people.

His blood runs cold.

"Oi! Assholes!"

There are four of them, two of them holding pipes, but even so Iwaizumi's not afraid. All he can focus on is Oikawa, hunched over and one arm pressed against the wall to support himself. The other is folded over his stomach and there's blood from the corner of his mouth and nose, wincing as he tries to straighten but fails. One of them snickers to see Iwaizumi; he taunts him and reaches a hand out, grabbing a handful of Oikawa's hair. Iwaizumi sees red when he watches his best friend as his head is yanked back, yelping in pain as he stumbles.

"Oi, it's Iwaizumi! Remember him, boys? The one that was always tagging along with _this_ piece of shit."

"What," Iwaizumi snarls, glancing at each of them, "couldn't get your girlfriends back so you take it out on the guy they left you for? It's not his fault none of you could keep it up long enough."

He doesn't actually know _why_ they're picking a fight with Oikawa, but he seems to have guessed right, given the glares. One of them whistles; Iwaizumi assumes he's the leader. Hands in his pockets, he steps forward and Iwaizumi remembers his name as Kogo. The others, he thinks, might be Matsuki, Tsukade, and Seo; he doesn't remember their first names, but he doesn't care. Iwaizumi's always been better with names than Oikawa; it's not that they come easier to him in terms of remembering, but he puts in more of an effort.

"Kogo," he growls, fists clenching, "let him go."

"What," he returns with a smirk, "or you'll beat us up? This isn't high school, Iwaizumi. You want your boy back?"

Iwaizumi watches Kogo take a step back and when he presses his hand to Oikawa's shoulder, there's a yelp of pain. Iwaizumi's eyes widen but Kogo's smirk just grows; Matsuki steps back to allow Kogo to grab Oikawa by the back of his shirt, shoving him against the wall. Iwaizumi's hands shake as he watches the way Oikawa's cheek presses to the wall; his knuckles turn white while red flashes before his eyes, breathing 'you bastard' under his breath. Oikawa's lips are moving; Iwaizumi reads 'Iwa-chan' and his knees feel weak for a moment. But then Kogo lets go of Oikawa and he immediately falls to his knees after stumbling.

"Then come and get him."

Iwaizumi's never been much of a fighter. He can count on a single hand the number of fights he's gotten into; he doesn't know _why_ people assume he fights just because he works out. It's one of the stupider rumors he's had to deal with, the frontrunners all having to do with Oikawa. Iwaizumi isn't one to take rumors seriously though and it's never been difficult to walk away from kids trying to goad him into fighting.

But anyone who touches Oikawa is _dead_.

Seo starts at him first. Iwaizumi scoffs at his obvious stupidity and, to make it worse, he's _slow_. Iwaizumi ducks his punch easily, hits him hard enough in the chest that it takes a few moments for him to regain his breath again. He leaves Seo a crumpled, gasping pile on the ground and starts towards the others. Matsuki's got a steel pipe and as he raises it, Iwaizumi waits until he starts swinging to narrowly evade. This time he uses his elbow and when he doubles over, the back of his heel kicks at Matsuki's ankle and he falls with a grunt of pain.

Iwaizumi sees Tsukade moving from the corner of his eye. He turns to grab his arm, utilizing momentum to twist him around. He gives a cry of pain and it's only because of the scraping of steel on ground that Iwaizumi realizes Kogo's approaching. He barely manages to avoid getting hit; Tsukade's become his shield and he cries out in pain at the impact. Iwaizumi drops him immediately and Kogo swears. He quickly changes his mind and adopts a defensive pose instead. Kogo's bigger than him; not only that, he's faster and much more used to fighting.

Iwaizumi's pissed off but that doesn't mean he's stopped using his brain.

Holding his arms out in front of him, Iwaizumi winces as he blocks the blows. He ducks when Kogo tries to kick; grabbing his leg, he successfully knocks him off balance. His heart's racing and he makes the mistake of taking a moment to catch his breath. He sees the way Oikawa's eyes widen a moment too late; Iwaizumi turns just in time to feel the solid impact of the other pipe with his stomach. He swears and gasps; it seems to have missed his rib cage, _thank god_ , but it's still rendered him breathless.

Stumbling back until he hits the wall, he holds himself and uses the other arm to cover his head as the blows start coming in. He's being kicked and Iwaizumi is lifted and his head hits the wall so hard that everything spins. He's let down and he immediately falls, cheek colliding to the ground.

He tastes blood and wonders if it's from inside his mouth or if it's the blood trickling from the head wound. One is better than the other, but both aren't exactly _stellar_.

"Better than expected isn't good enough," he hears Kogo sneer. Grunting at another kick to his gut, Iwaizumi tries to stand but fails. He collapses again and just helplessly watches as Kogo makes his way back to Oikawa; he tries to will himself up but his body aches. "Leave him alone, asshole…" he tries, but his voice is weak.

"Cute, you don't want Prince Charming caught up in this, right?" he smirks. He gives a nod and Iwaizumi watches as Tsukade and Matsuki go over, each taking one of Oikawa's arms and hoisting him up. He groans with pain and Iwaizumi can see the blood staining his clothes, the bruises, and how he can't straighten. "Honestly, Oikawa, Iwaizumi would've been way better off without you… even in high school." He laughs and shakes his head.

"You really just exist to fuck up his life, don't you?"

_He doesn't_ Iwaizumi wants to call out, but it comes out barely a whisper and he doesn't know if Oikawa sees his lips move.

Oikawa bites his lip, but the pain flashes across his expression when Kogo takes another swing at him and he grunts. Iwaizumi wants to move; his mind's screaming at his body to move but he's immobilized on the ground, watches a bully who never mentally outgrew high school beat up the most important person in his life.

Punch after punch to his face, and Iwaizumi's shaking because Kogo actually has the audacity to sigh about how his fist _hurts_. Blood trickles down Oikawa's chin and when he looks up, all four of them are quiet to see him smirk. Iwaizumi's blood runs cold. "That really all you've got?" he drawls, sounding impressively calm given his situation.

_Dumbass…!_

"Do whatever you want with me," Oikawa mumbles, wincing. "But… let him go. Let Iwaizumi go, all right?"

Kogo glances over his shoulder and Iwaizumi's fingers curl, nails scratching against the concrete. "Yeah, that's fine," he says with a shrug. "We don't have an issue with you, Iwaizumi."

He turns back to Oikawa and Iwaizumi's stomach lurches to watch him yank his head back by grabbing his hair again.

"But _you_ , pretty boy…"

Iwaizumi sees the steel pipe passed to Kogo and his stomach instantly drops at the way he's holding it, tapping it into the palm of his other rhythmically. He stops breathing and then he hears:

"Look, I don't _want_ you dead. But, you know, sometimes things happen, so…"

Iwaizumi forgets that he's in pain. He forgets that he might be looking at a few fractures, some cuts, and definitely some bruising. All he sees is the other pipe laying nearby and he's on his feet, grabbing it before he straightens. Swinging it, he successfully knocks out Seo with a hard hit to his chest, sends him tumbling back with a jab to his throat.

Tsukade's the next to realize he's up again; he looks surprised and Iwaizumi feels the solid connection of his hand to his jaw, but Tsukade jerks back and shakes his hand out. He immediately lunges; the heel of Iwaizumi's hand goes to his face, shoving upwards and hears the cracking of bone, feels warm blood on his hand.

Matsuki gets him from behind; Iwaizumi grunts in pain when his arm is twisted behind his back. It causes him to drop the pipe but he just maneuvers his body around; he drives his elbow into Matsuki's gut and takes the moment of surprise to twist his arm until he hears the crack of his wrist, lets him go.

He turns immediately so his back isn't to Kogo any longer than necessary. The other three, as far as he can tell, are incapacitated. Matsuki and Tsukade have broken parts of their bodies that are enough to keep them down and Seo still looks like he can't breathe properly. Heaving, Iwaizumi picks up the pipe and swallows, wincing at the pain from his shoulder. "Kogo," he croaks, "let him go. Don't you dare fucking touch him."

Kogo grins.

"Or what?"

"Iwa-chan, just go," he hears Oikawa mumble. "I'll be fine, okay? Just…"

"Dumbass, I'm not leavin' without you," Iwaizumi snaps, gripping the pipe tighter and taking another step closer. "I swear, Kogo, if you—"

"If I what?" he taunts. He lets go of Oikawa's hair and he's relieved until he watches Kogo bend his arm, sending his elbow straight into Oikawa's gut. He hears the sharp gasp; Oikawa's eyes are wide upon impact and then Kogo hits him with a right hook, sending him slamming into the wall.

"Oops."

He smirks.

"Something like that?"

Again, Iwaizumi's not much of a fighter.

He's not awful at it, though. As part of his training, he'd taken a few classes here and there to learn the basics so he would work more fitting workouts into his routine. He doesn't like to fight; that he can say for sure. Unless necessary, he'd rather take the high road.

But this is more than necessary.

Kogo's laughing as he evades Iwaizumi's punch with ease. He grabs his arm and as Iwaizumi stumbles forward, both because of Kogo and momentum, he feels a sharp jab to his side from the back. Yelping in pain, he manages to catch himself from falling and turn around, raising an arm just in time to block another hit. He raises a leg and kicks him in the chest. It doesn't do much in terms of damage but he does stumble back and, with the newfound distance, Iwaizumi raises the steel pipe and swings it at him.

He misses the intended target, but Kogo doesn't duck quickly enough and it manages to hit his shoulder. He winces and Iwaizumi lets the weapon drop. Pushing off of his foot, he manages to knock him over; straddling him, Iwaizumi gets a few punches in. Kogo's face is showing more bruises and redness than before, but he gets his breath back and flips Iwaizumi over. The weight of his knee on his chest is almost suffocating and it's only because of a nearby rock to his head that he gets off. Standing, Iwaizumi delivers swift kicks in succession to his gut. Kogo swears but he reaches a foot out, swinging it and though Iwaizumi manages to avoid being knocked off balance, he does step back.

It's all Kogo needs to stand back up. As he's catching himself, Iwaizumi's shoved against a wall. He ducks the punch aimed for his face and bows so his head is under Kogo's arm, his own shoulder against his chest. He uses the position to push him away, running him into the opposite wall. Giving a sharp gasp, Kogo's momentarily immobilized and Iwaizumi hits him again and again until he acquiesces, sliding down the wall and looking up at him as he holds his side. "Tired?" he manages, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth.

"No," Iwaizumi breathes after a moment, shoulders rising and falling. He almost can't hear anything, can't feel anything. Everything seems numb and all he can see is Kogo and while the temptation to bash his head in is overwhelming, Iwaizumi resists. "I'm just not at your level. But…"

Kogo flinches when Iwaizumi raises his foot, kicks it to the wall uncomfortably close to his head. Hands in his pockets, Iwaizumi bows a bit; he sees the shadow the moon casts from his body on Kogo's face. "Touch Oikawa, come near Oikawa, breathe the same fucking _air_ as Oikawa, and I can't promise what'll happen next time."

He steps back and watches as Kogo stands, gesturing to the other three. Staring at the entrance of the alleyway in case they do something stupid like try to rush him again, Iwaizumi waits until he's sure to go back to Oikawa. His legs are shaking as he makes his way back, dropping to his knees and reaching a hand out to grasp his chin lightly. Oikawa winces and Iwaizumi apologizes, frowning. His hand is trembling, despite his best efforts, and his throat is dry, no matter how many times he swallows. Adrenaline is still rushing through his body and Iwaizumi just knows he's going to be in for a world of pain when it wears off, but that's all secondary to Oikawa.

Bloody, bruised Oikawa who still manages to smile, even murmurs an apology. Iwaizumi just shakes his head, swallows again before he tries to talk. "What the hell, Oikawa… how badly are you hurt? What the fuck were you even thinking…?!"

"Mainly my shoulder, but I'm fine," Oikawa mumbles and Iwaizumi reaches into his pocket for a tissue to press to the blood. Oikawa winces again but he doesn't try to turn away. Iwaizumi's eyes run over his body; his hand brushes over him lightly to check for any broken bones, anything sticking out where it shouldn't be. He finds nothing and he's relieved for that; he can feel Oikawa's eyes on him as he does so, but waits until Iwaizumi looks back at him to talk. He frowns, brow furrowing. "Iwa-chan, you're hurt badly…"

"I'm fine," he says shortly but when Oikawa takes the tissue from him, their fingers brush and he forgets what he was doing. It's stupid, he thinks. They both could've died and now they're bloodied in an alley, but Iwaizumi's receded to some sort of love-struck teenage moron over his fingers brushing Oikawa's.

Oikawa looks concerned as he reaches up to press the tissue against his head; Iwaizumi winces and remembers he has an injury there. Sighing, he shakes his head.

"Oi—"

"Thank you, Hajime."

Oikawa smiles.

"…You saved my life."

The way Oikawa's looking at him does funny things to Iwaizumi's heart. It makes it both stop and race at the same time, so he's not sure what exactly is going on in his chest. He never does, not when it's around Oikawa. Iwaizumi turns away and hates that his cheeks feel warm.

But the warmth fades and he's suddenly very aware of how cold it is. "I know you're not that bad of a fighter," Iwaizumi says after a bit longer and turns back to him. "…I know you could've defended yourself a hell of a lot more."

Iwaizumi's not mad at him. Part of him feels like he should be, but he can't; he can't bring himself to yell at Oikawa about stupid life decisions when he's like this. It doesn't feel right; Iwaizumi actually has no problem yelling at Oikawa when he deserves it, but right now, he can't. He feels guilty if he does so, even though he's not exactly sure _why_ he feels guilty.

It's not his fault Oikawa went to a bar and got himself beat up.

Is it?

Oikawa shrugs nonchalantly before remembering his shoulder and wincing. "What can I say? I was tired."

Iwaizumi stares at him. "…How drunk were you?"

Oikawa averts his eyes and says nothing.

"Did you eat today?" Iwaizumi asks, voice a bit sharper.

"…"

"Fucking—"

"I'm sorry," Oikawa mumbles and with the way he sounds and looks, Iwaizumi can't help but stop feeling angry almost immediately. He just sighs and helps him up; neither of them can straighten fully and they're both limping a bit, but this is fine, Iwaizumi thinks. They're alive, they're coherent, they don't have anything broken.

Iwaizumi looks up and his eyes linger on Oikawa's lips. He'll admit that he's stared at them before; Iwaizumi doesn't do it on purpose, but he'll stare at Oikawa from time to time, though never because it's so swollen and bloody that it wrenches his gut.

"…Oikawa."

"Yeah?"

Iwaizumi hoists them up, has Oikawa's good arm slung over his shoulder as support. Their faces are close; Iwaizumi feels Oikawa leaning against him, their cheeks almost touching with certain sways.

"…Don't do stupid shit like this again."

_I don't know what I'd do without you._

They start walking slowly, limping and Oikawa laughs quietly, his breath hot and Iwaizumi involuntarily shuddering.

"…Yeah."

* * *

Kuroo comes over.

Oikawa is not pleased.

Iwaizumi had taken him home and spent the night because there was no way Oikawa would let him leave in that shape. They both shared the bed but only because Oikawa was absolutely not going to allow him to take the couch that night, not when both of them were injured, not after Iwaizumi saved him. With Iwaizumi being just as adamant about Oikawa not being subjected to the couch, sharing the bed was their only viable option.

After the shower, Iwaizumi had fixed him up and Oikawa returned the favor, everything done in silence. It certainly wasn't the first time; growing up together as athletes, injuries were common. Feeling Iwaizumi's hands along his skin had caused Oikawa to shudder; he couldn't help it, and just nodded when Iwaizumi asked if he was cold.

He had gone to bed first after Iwaizumi forced water and rice on him, but he couldn't sleep and caught tidbits of Iwaizumi on the phone. He could see his shadow moving as he paced in front of the door, bedroom dark but living room light still on. Oikawa curles up under his sheets, eyes half lidded as they focus on that little sliver of light.

_"Yeah, he's okay. I don't know. Guys from high school. No, there's no way in hell I'm leaving tonight. I'm staying over. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kuroo, no. Don't. Damnit. No. I won't let you in. I know. He's stupid. That's a given. Yeah. Okay. No. Fucking—"_

Oikawa's still awake when Iwaizumi gets in bed and he wishes he weren't because this may be the one night where he's needed to be close to Iwaizumi but the first night of many where he realizes he can't be pressed against him. But even so, he eventually falls asleep, knowing Iwaizumi is by him more than enough to comfort.

He wakes up by himself because Iwaizumi steps out the next morning. Oikawa finds a note saying that he'll come back, that he needs to eat the breakfast he left out for him. He smiles a little and shakes his head, but when he steps outside and sees Kuroo sitting on couch, Oikawa loses the appetite that only Iwaizumi's food could coax.

"…Crap."

Kuroo slams his book shut and stands. "What the _fuck_ ," he snarls, "did I tell you not to do?"

"This was not self destruction," Oikawa explains calmly. "This was a vendetta."

"Moron! You didn't have to go with them!"

Kuroo's rightfully angry but that doesn't stop Oikawa from being annoyed. He winces as he moves stiffly, exhaling between his teeth. He actually feels worse than last night; turning around, Oikawa disappears into his bathroom for a moment and flicks on the lights. The bruises have all darkened and his muscles are beyond sore; lifting his shirt, he hisses in pain as the fabric brushing over a dark spot sends waves of pain ricocheting throughout his body.

So this is what the aspirin on his nightstand is for, he thinks. He wishes he'd taken it now.

"Tetsu-chan, I'm tired," he mumbles and lets his shirt fall back down, going back outside. "I can't do this right now."

"You _will_ ," Kuroo snaps, "and you'll also eat the damn food."

"I _was_ until you showed up," Oikawa says tightly, pinching the bridge of his nose. " _Leave_ , Tetsu-chan. _Please_. I really don't want to talk right now."

"When I left," Kuroo presses, ignoring him, "you seemed fine. That's why I left, I trusted you to be a rational adult." Oikawa's eyes narrow and he crosses his arms. Kuroo's not leaving, it seems.

Oikawa doesn't appreciate being ignored.

"Apparently that's your fault then," he answers coolly. "I can't control your perception of me."

"You can't do this, Oikawa," Kuroo says, still sounding agitated but not as abrasive as before. He looks tired, Oikawa notes, which he finds a little amusing because he's the one who should be tired. "You can't… be getting drunk, skipping meals, and getting beat up. You have to take care of yourself, all right? You have people who care about you. I haven't been the greatest these last few weeks, I know, and I'm sorry about that. But I care about you. And Iwaizumi wouldn't—"

"Can we not bring Iwa-chan into this?" Oikawa asks lightly but, of course, that makes Kuroo bring him even more into it.

"Iwaizumi cares about you so much. I know you're hurting because you realize how you feel and that's huge after denying it for so long," Kuroo continues, taking a step towards him. "But you can't shut down and stop feeling it. That's not how being in love with someone works—"

"Oh, so you're all wise on the subject now?" Oikawa snaps bitterly, crossing his arms. He leans against the wall so Kuroo can't catch on to the way he's swaying, stomach feeling like it's about to cave in on itself. "Funny, considering everything you've done to Pudding-chan. Going behind his back and deceiving him, to name two."

Kuroo hesitates and he clears his throat. The hurt that flickers over his expression is obvious; Oikawa notes it silently. "Look, go eat the breakfast," he says in a low voice. "I've got nothing planned today. I don't care if it takes hours, I want to make sure you're—"

"I don't need you here," Oikawa says, waving a hand to dismiss him. "I know how to take care of myself, Kuroo. Iwa-chan will stop by again later. Anyway, shouldn't you be with Pudding-chan right now? Ah, that's right, you're not talking."

Kuroo gives a slow breath. "Oikawa—"

"Not that I blame him," he continues and examines his nails nonchalantly. "I mean, Kuroo, you may not have lied to him, but you did keep something pretty big. Honestly, if it were me, I'd react the same way. He's your best friend. And even if she were your fiancée, if you pushed, she should've understood. I never thought of you as someone to put your partner over your best friend and I'm sure Pudding-chan didn't either, but I guess we were wrong. Did you not want to tell him after all? Because if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you stop at nothing if it's for Pudding-chan. But from the sounds of it, you gave in pretty quickly. That's just sad, for both Pudding-chan and Mieko-chan.

"For Pudding-chan, his best friend apparently doesn't trust him or respect him enough to tell him of his engagement. And for Mieko-chan, the guy she's in love with and is engaged to is in love with his best friend but too cowardly to pursue it or break up with her. So, instead, he proposes and then _she_ has to be the one to end things with him. You say these two people are the most important in your life, but from the sounds of it, they'd be better off without you."

Oikawa looks up, eyes wide and feigning innocence.

"Right?"

Kuroo freezes. Oikawa can see the guilt in his expression and how he stops breathing. He almost feels a little bad for everything he'd just said, but before he can even think about apologizing, Kuroo turns sharply. Oikawa's eyes remain half lidded and focused on his nails.

"You know what? Go fuck yourself," Kuroo mumbles and heads towards the door, pausing with his hand on the knob. Oikawa doesn't bother looking up. "I get you're hurting, Oikawa, but that's not some damn excuse to act like this to someone who's worried about you."

He flinches when the door slams shut, despite having expecting it. Oikawa's eyes close and he gives a shaky sigh. Arms uncrossing, he allows himself to slide down against the wall and presses the heel of his palms to his eyes, elbows on his knees. His breathing is shaky; he feels so weak he's shaking and the food on the breakfast table feels infinitely far.

His stomach twists and turns as he can't stop hearing what he just said to Kuroo. "Damnit…" he mumbles and Oikawa fishes his phone out of his pocket. But just as he's typed _I'm sorry_ into his chat with Kuroo, he stops and exits, swallowing and tossing his phone aside.

He doesn't know how long it takes for Iwaizumi to come back, but after smiling just enough to assuage his guilt and eating enough of the food, he manages to get Iwaizumi to leave, promising that he'll take care of himself.

"Really?" Iwaizumi asks, looking a bit suspicious. "Where's Kuroo? Thought he said he was coming over."

"Tetsu-chan had something to tend to," Oikawa says airily. "Really, Iwa-chan, I'll be okay! You've bought enough frozen meals for a mini army and I'm but one person."

"Oikawa, you're hurt—"

"I'm okay," he interrupts, offering a genuine smile. "Go back to Semi-chan, okay? He's probably upset about last night and it's better to apologize as soon as possible."

Iwaizumi hesitates but nods slowly. He still looks dubious, so Oikawa keeps that smile plastered on his face.

"You're… really going to be okay?"

Oikawa beams, turns up the wattage for emphasis.

"Fine, just fine!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i recently realized that almost every detailed kiss or make out scene in this fic is iwasemi. that had not been my intention, but a certain friend has an unquenchable thirst for them and, because i am ultimately a people pleaser, i keep adding that in, resulting in an imbalance of smutty scenes (angry emoji) that being sad, there's the possibility of explicit content for kuroken and/or iwaoi later on. haven't decided (which is why rating is still mature), but if i do end up putting it in, i'll make a note and include the start/end lines to provide ease of skipping ♥
> 
> thank you for reading! comments/kudos appreciated beyond words ♥


	17. stare up at the stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “nice, iwa-chan. the twenty-year-old whisky. you’re paying me back for that, right?”  
> “tastes like shit.”  
> “now now, iwa-chan. i don’t insult your friends.”

" _Kenma!"_

_Mieko has perfect vision, something she's actually a little too proud of, but so does Kenma. But what differs between them is that while her sight is great for using microscopes unobstructed, she isn't keen like Kenma is. She'll go on a grocery store trip with him because Kuroo's bedridden and while it takes Mieko ten minutes to find one item, Kenma will spot it immediately and hand it to her wordlessly as she gushes with praise._

_Mieko can also be a little forgetful of certain details whereas she swears if Kenma bothers to pay attention to it, he'll never forget it. For example, Kenma never closes out of a tab he's listening to music from three seconds after telling himself 'don't close this tab, I'm listening to music from it.'_

_Mieko angers herself sometimes._

_His eyes immediately go to her hand and Mieko wonders why she didn't think about waving him down with the other. She falters a little as she pulls her hand back to her chest, her other hand coming to cover it. He's been back for a few days; back might not be the right word, she thinks, it's more that he's now talking to people again. Kuroo had been ecstatic; they'd been about to go to bed together when the text came and Mieko yelped, his sudden jolt startling her into falling off the bed. He'd helped her back in with a laugh as he showed her his phone and she saw a single word message._

"Tetsurou… all he said was 'yeah.'"

"Yeah! In response to 'text me when you're free to get lunch'!"

_"Hey," he greets as he comes over, sits down next to her on the bench. He offers her a smile as he sets his backpack down by his feet and even though her hand's over it, his eyes focus on the where the ring is. "Kuro give you that?"_

_She blinks before nodding widely. She moves her hand and both of them stare a moment before Mieko's other hand goes to adjust it. She's been staring at it a lot but somehow it's still unreal every time she sees it again. She'll toy with it unconsciously and then be all too aware of the new jewelry adorning her finger, of its weight and the metal to skin contact._

_It makes her happy and she's so close to being the happiest girl in the world._

_"Special reason?" Kenma murmurs with a small smile that she's seen make Kuroo drop a textbook on his foot._

_"You know Tetsurou," she answers instead, feeling guilty even just evading answering. Her hand's shaking as she lifts her water bottle to her lips and Kenma seems to take note of that, reaching a hand out to help her steady it. She thanks him and, after a moment, sets it down and can't bring herself to look at the person she thinks her boyfriend loves more than his own fiancée. "…Kenma, can I ask you something?"_

_Kenma frowns. "Did Kuro do something wrong?"_

_She laughs and shakes her head, but both are short lived and she bows so her hair obstructs her eyes. Mieko's teeth bite into her bottom lip, worries the flesh for a moment before offering a shaky sigh. "…Do you… do you think Tetsurou and I could be happy together? In long term?"_

_He's quiet at first. Mieko's almost not sure if Kenma heard her; he may have gotten distracted on his phone. But then she hears him sighing, the bench creaking as he shifts. She still can't bring herself to look at him; Kenma's honest, sometimes to a fault. Kuroo's usually around to explain, defend, or laugh off, but he isn't here now and she's asked a question that only Kuroo's best friend could be qualified to answer. "You did apply for that research position in," he murmurs. "Are you worried about long distance?"_

_She doesn't say anything, just plays with her fingers. Kenma doesn't seem perturbed by her lack of response. "Yeah. I've never seen him happier."_

_She smiles a little. Her heart slows a little from racing; his answer helps but there's still a twisting feeling in her stomach. "My, Kenma… you forget about yourself."_

_"You're probably the love of his life," Kenma returns and Mieko almost laughs at that. "Are you worried? Kuro's stupid sometimes, but that just means he's stupidly loyal. If he commits to you, he's in it for life."_

_"…You think so?" she asks, finally looking up._

_Kenma graces her with a little smile. "I'm sure."_

_Kenma's smile and his words still linger with Mieko when she gets home that night. Kuroo greets her with a kiss that leaves her heart fluttering and then launches into something amusing that happened that day. Mieko laughs at the right times, but Kuroo stares at her afterwards. If there's one person who can be more perceptive than Kenma, it's Kuroo; it's just that while Kenma's perceptive about everything, Kuroo needs to actively want to focus on it._

_Mieko is definitely being focused on right now._

" _Something the matter?"_

_She shakes her head. Mieko drops her backpack on the floor and hurries the few steps between them; throwing her arms around Kuroo, she buries her face in his chest and inhales shakily. He smells like mint and the cologne she gifted him. She feels his arms come around her, warm and strong as always. "I love you," she mumbles, voice tight._

_"I love you too," he returns and she manages a smile as she pulls back, sniffles and apologizes for the tear stains she's left on his shirt. He shakes his head; bowing and cupping her face. Mieko's forced to look at him and swallows, nose wrinkling out of instinct. He leans in, kisses her chastely. "Babygirl, what's wrong?"_

_"Nothing," she mumbles, turning to kiss his palm. She exhales before smiling again, shoulders slumping and opening her eyes, leaning up on to bump her forehead against his. "Nothing, I just… I'm really glad I have you in my life."_

_Her hands come up to rest over his and Kuroo smiles softly. One hand takes hers and she watches as he brings her fingers to her lips so he can kiss the ring._

" _Me too. Hopefully forever."_

* * *

_"Not—"_

_"We're talking," Semi says firmly and Iwaizumi just sighs. He's halfway up from his chair but Semi's voice, expression, and the way he sits convinces Iwaizumi to do the same. Iwaizumi has to admit he does like Semi's bluntness; had this been Oikawa or Kuroo or Kenma or even him, they'd be playing some sort of passive aggressive game of avoidance and assumptions, leading to a huge convoluted mess that drags on for months._

_A few days have passed; Iwaizumi goes over to Oikawa's every now and then, but he's ushered out usually even before he has a chance to sit. He doesn't like lying either, so when Oikawa brings up Semi, Iwaizumi decides maybe it is for the best to leave. He inquires about the way Oikawa looks and he just shakes his head, says that he must've caught a cold._

"…Oik—"

"Really, I'm okay. I just need to rest."

"Do you want to go to the hospital? You really don't-"

"You were there with me, Iwa-chan," _Oikawa returns with a gentle smile._ "Really, I'm all right. Don't worry about me."

_"How's Oikawa?"_

_"Fine," Iwaizumi says after a pause. He doesn't know how much of what happened he should tell Semi. He feels his eyes focusing in on his bruises and he shifts a bit; one good thing about living with Oikawa had been a seemingly endless amount of makeup to cover these things up with. He's still a bit sore (or a lot sore), but it hasn't hindered his ability to go about his daily life. He hadn't needed to go to the hospital and Oikawa didn't either; every time he went over, Oikawa seemed fine, bandages changed and fresh. Iwaizumi doesn't like leaving Oikawa alone, but he also knows that when Oikawa wants to be alone, he'll push people away for that space until he's ready to talk again._

_So, Iwaizumi decides, he'll wait._

_He sighs, shrugs and immediately regrets the action when it sends a wave of pain through the side of his neck. "…There were some guys and we kind of got into it. Nothing bad."_

_Semi nods. "So his text was real."_

_"…Yeah." Iwaizumi was right about that, but he somehow doesn't feel any sort of victory. He just keeps his eyes on the table, feels the terse silence between them worsening by the second._

_"Good thing you went to him then."_

_It could be sarcastic. Semi could be sarcastic in saying that, but he isn't; he hasn't injected his sentence with emotion or anything, but it's genuine and that makes Iwaizumi feel even worse because Semi Eita is a good person. Iwaizumi nods numbly again._

_"Oikawa's… I mean, he's… well, I'm…"_

_"Iwaizumi."_

_Iwaizumi doesn't complete his sentence, but it's no real loss because he hadn't been sure what he was trying to say. Grimacing a bit as he presses his thumb against the side of his knuckle, Iwaizumi closes his eyes. "…All right. I'm sorry—"_

_"You're not."_

_"What?" Iwaizumi looks up. "I know I wasn't right in leaving you like that, but that doesn't mean I'm not—"_

_"You're not the type of guy who realizes he does something wrong and keeps doing it," Semi snaps. "You've done this before. You've apologized before. And I'm not going to keep getting jerked around with the same excuse that he's your best friend. I know he's your best friend and I know I can't expect you to put me above him. But come on, Iwaizumi; you drop everything for him and don't I deserve at least some respect?"_

_Iwaizumi flinches when Semi stands, chair scraping against the floor and table jostling. Everyone else in the café looks over at the sudden movement, but Semi doesn't seem perturbed in the least. He just glares at him._

_"This is your last chance, Iwaizumi. I like you, but that doesn't mean I'll allow myself to be treated this way."_

Semi's not returning his calls now and Iwaizumi doesn't blame him one bit.

He keeps checking in on Oikawa every now and then, but he's still usually ushered off because Oikawa's either sleeping, engrossed in a drama, or studying, the last two activities of which Iwaizumi is usually called upon for companionship. But now Oikawa just says that 'Iwa-chan should be with Semi-chan!'

Iwaizumi doesn't feel like explaining that he and Semi aren't really talking, especially given that Oikawa seems so invested in their relationship working, so he spares him the details and just leaves after assurances that Oikawa's fine. Iwaizumi brings food every time and the rare times he does manage to sit in, Oikawa eats about half.

Half's better than nothing and Oikawa promises to eat the rest later.

Maybe it's good to have some time to himself. Recently he's been with either Oikawa or Semi, neither of which he _minds_ , but Iwaizumi's been so torn between two people that he's forgotten to spend time by himself.

So, now that he has this glorious time, he decides to play video games.

Iwaizumi's not necessarily a fanatic; he plays quite a bit, probably, but it's not enough of an addiction to cause any sort of problems with academics. If he were to chart his hours, it would likely be a sinusoidal sort of curve, assuming it started with the beginning of the year with exams coming. He doesn't play at all during exam season, but as work lessens, his playing hours go up, reaching a high during summer before going down again as finals approach once again.

_"Iwa-chan, no… no, there—there-!"_

_Iwaizumi dies, so he just tosses his controller, shrugs with a smirk when Oikawa shoots him an annoyed glare. It's after school on a Friday; with all their homework waiting for Sunday night, they decide to play a newly released game for a bit. Iwaizumi leans back on his hands. He's watching the screen at first but then his eyes move over to Oikawa; it's a few weeks after that kiss and he doesn't know how the date went, but Oikawa hasn't taken her out again._

_The thought makes him unreasonably relieved._

_Iwaizumi doesn't want to make a habit of it, but he finds himself intimidating people who he catches talking crap about Oikawa. He supposes he can see why; most people perceive Oikawa as ditzy and shallow, a pretty boy with a penchant for volleyball. But what makes Iwaizumi so angry is that Oikawa works damn hard for everything he's good at. He's skilled, but he's not a prodigy; to try and make up for that, he works relentlessly, tirelessly._

_Iwaizumi can't stand it when anyone tries to discredit Oikawa's hard work and lend it to luck instead._

_Oikawa Tooru works too fucking hard for anyone to even imply otherwise._

_He's got this incredible concentration; it terrifies Iwaizumi a little because the same boy who once rambled for four straight hours on aliens and almost lost his voice is the exact same one who stayed up all night watching and rewatching games of their next opponents. When he puts his mind to something, Oikawa accomplishes it._

_And right now, it's his game._

_Oikawa's made a peace sign and tongue sticking out his signature "look" when he's being ridiculously annoying, but his tongue is out right now and he's anything but ridiculous or annoying. His brow's furrowed, his eyes narrowed, tongue teasing the corner of his lip. His back's hunched, his thumbs moving quickly and methodically. He barely looks like he's breathing; Iwaizumi considers passing his hand under his nose to make sure he is. He's mumbling things under his breath, 'left' and 'right' and 'now' and 'later.'_

_Iwaizumi can't stop watching because this is the person he's in love with at his most terrifying._

_Because Oikawa's concentration, Oikawa's determination, Oikawa's stubbornness have inspired Iwaizumi, driven him countlessly over the years. Anywhere Oikawa goes, Iwaizumi tries to follow. There are times where he has to pull him back, but Oikawa Tooru is an absolute inspiration and Iwaizumi Hajime wouldn't be half the person he is today without him._

_He's breathtaking, he's beautiful, he's—_

_-about to break the television—_

_"OIKAWA, DON'T FUCKING THROW THE CONTROLLER AGAIN—"_

"Damn. I need Oikawa to beat this level."

Tossing the controller to the side, Iwaizumi stares at it and reconsiders.

"…I'll just stay stuck."

Lying down, Iwaizumi raises his hands to his face. The heels of his palm press into his eyes as he sighs. Thinking of Oikawa leaves him guilt-ridden; Semi's right, he thinks, he can't drop everything for Oikawa. And even though he wants more than anything to be over there right now, knows Oikawa's not the type of person who should be left alone at times like these, he doesn't, both because of Semi's words and because he has Kuroo, so it should be all right. Kuroo's probably there. Iwaizumi might be uncharacteristically backing off, but Kuroo probably wouldn't.

Iwaizumi tries to stop thinking Oikawa, but that just leads to him thinking about Semi and his gut drops again.

Staring at the ceiling for a bit longer, Iwaizumi rolls over to grab his phone.

**To: Semi Eita**

_can we talk?_

**To: Shittykawa**

_are you all right?_

He waits for their responses. Iwaizumi doesn't like being in fights with people, especially people he's dating. He's generally good at talking things out but, it seems, anything involving Oikawa has him avoiding and circling, including talking to Oikawa himself.

Because sometimes just thinking about Oikawa leads Iwaizumi's knees to turn to jelly and he wonders how he can remain calm and rational around him. Sometimes Iwaizumi is good at just being Oikawa's best friend, the one who grew up with him. Habits have formed; it's a role that Iwaizumi's more than used to, just being there with him, yelling at him if needed, keeping him in life, talking with him.

But then there's the part of Iwaizumi who's in love with Oikawa, who can't help but admire his sleeping face when they used to take naps after classes together, who feels his heart racing whenever Oikawa pats his back and laughs, who can't help but linger his touch when he pulls Oikawa back from almost walking into oncoming traffic because he got too involved in telling some story.

There's a part of Iwaizumi who strove to be better at volleyball because he loved the sport, pushed himself to be the best ace could be, one that Seijou deserved. And then there's the part of Iwaizumi who strove to be better at volleyball because he wanted to be a good enough ace for Oikawa, who wanted to be _enough_ for him and wanted to make sure he never regretted not choosing Shiratorizawa.

And, most of all, there's the part of Iwaizumi who tries so hard to not think about how much he loves Oikawa Tooru because that's not what Oikawa Tooru wants.

His phone dings and Iwaizumi's thinking _Semi?_ but he feels disappointed when he doesn't see _Shittykawa._

**From: Semi Eita**

_sorry. busy atm._

He closes his eyes. Another ding comes a moment later and his heart skips to see _Shittykawa_.

**From: Shittykawa**

_fine! (＾▽＾)_

He unlocks his phone, moves to be on his elbows so he can text back.

**To: Shittykawa**

_want me to bring something over to eat?_

**From: Shittykawa**

_no, i'm fine! are you and semi-chan okay? (๑ ˊ͈ ᐞ ˋ͈ )ƅ̋_

Staring at the emoticon, Iwaizumi goes back to his chats, sees Semi's last curt response. He swallows.

**To: Shittykawa**

_yeah fine_

Oikawa's response makes Iwaizumi feel even worse for lying.

**From: Shittykawa**

_good! （‐＾▽＾‐）_

* * *

"Kuro."

Kuroo looks stunned, either at Kenma addressing him or Kenma being there. He isn't sure which it is but before he can say anything, he sighs. "I'm… still not ready to talk, but…"

He hesitates and furrows his brows.

"…Are you all right? A few days ago, you came out of Oikawa's place looking pretty upset."

Kenma can't help it. Even when he's upset, he cares about Kuroo and not immediately texting him to ask what was wrong had been the hardest thing to do. But when he sees Kuroo a bit ahead of him, he forgets how upset and hurt he is; he reaches out and tugs gently at his sleeve, is a little breathless at the sight of Kuroo's face.

It's only been maybe a week, but it feels like an eternity.

"It's… nothing," Kuroo says and flashes a smile, is turning away even before Kenma can say anything. Kuroo's always been like that; there are people who Kenma has to actively push away and then there's Kuroo, who knows what he wants and has always tried to give it to him, sometimes in excess. "Sorry."

Kenma blinks as Kuroo begins walking away. "…For going to class?"

"For crossing your path," he says and stops, shrugging. "I tried to stay out of your way."

Kuroo starts walking again. Kenma's lips press into a thin lips and his 'stay' is uttered in barely above a whisper. He doesn't know how Kuroo heard; he swears there's no way Kuroo could've heard that, but he stops and turns around. Kuroo's superhuman sometimes. Kuroo's a superhero all the time to Kenma. "…You're sure?" he asks hesitantly, a little hopeful smile etched on his lips.

"I haven't stopped being in love with you," Kenma says quietly. "…I miss you."

And it's true. It is; Kenma misses Kuroo with every bone in his body. This is probably only the second time they've gone with absolutely no contact, maybe even the first. When he had thought Kuroo was going to reject him, at least Kuroo sent one text. But this was complete silence; Kuroo didn't reach out and Kenma was glad because the last thing he needs when clearing his mind is having Kuroo's name pop up in his phone. It's not Kuroo's fault, he knows, but this is how Kenma deals with things. He needs to distance himself otherwise he feels like he'll get overwhelmed and, when it concerns, he'll definitely get overwhelmed.

He doesn't know how to stop being hurt, but he knows he loves him still. He knows he wants to be with him, but he doesn't know how he can move past.

It makes thinking about talking to Kuroo difficult and it makes actually talking to Kuroo impossible.

Kenma's fairly sure the only reason he can bring himself to talk to Kuroo right now is because of Oikawa. A few days ago, he'd gotten a text from Oikawa. He immediately remembered seeing a distraught Kuroo leaving Oikawa's apartment complex and frowns. Kenma had stared after him, debated between going after him or not. His grip had tightened on his phone; his gut was doubly wrenching, one for remembering Kuroo and Mieko, the other for seeing Kuroo upset.

He ultimately went with not going after him, even though it made him feel terrible for leaving the love of his live obviously distraught (but would Kenma going to talk to him have brought up other things to make it worse?) Oikawa's text came maybe a day or two later. Kenma hadn't intended on leaving his apartment; he's still not sure how Oikawa convinced him to come over through texts and emojis alone.

_"Pudding-chan, how are you doing?"_

_"Better than you, by the looks of it."_

_Oikawa sniffs in a dignified manner._

_"Rude."_

_Kenma gives a small smile at his response but it's short lived; he's too taken by Oikawa's appearance. Judging by the way Kuroo had left, the two of them aren't exactly on speaking terms and because there's Semi, it's likely Iwaizumi also hasn't been stopping by. Kenma feels a bit bad; unless it's Kuroo, he's typically not the type to drop by unannounced even if he does worry, but Oikawa is someone who has to be checked up on. "You want me to run out and get some food?" Kenma asks with a small frown. "…Are you sick?"_

_Oikawa shakes his head; his demeanor's more or less the same, but there's a stiffness in the way he moves and Kenma had smelled the stench of liquor even before he stepped in. As Oikawa sits down, he starts collecting the glasses and empty bottles, silencing Oikawa's small whine with a glare. Oikawa just grumbles, pulling the blanket tighter around himself and curling up on the couch._

_Kenma's beginning to figure out why Kuroo was agitated._

_"Are you still upset with Tetsu-chan?" he inquires lightly._

_"Yeah. What's with you two? Saw him leaving here the other day," Kenma returns a bit more snappily than he'd intended._

_"We had a fight," Oikawa says easily, adjusting the blanket around himself as he leans back. He props his feet up on the coffee table and lowers them only when Kenma swats gently with a book. "You want to talk about it?"_

_"No, but you will regardless."_

_"Indeed," Oikawa agrees and Kenma just sighs. But when he finishes cleaning up, he opens the window for some fresh air and sits by Oikawa, having brought two glasses of water. Oikawa pouts a little but drinks it without much complaint and when Kenma reaches over to pull an apple out of his bag, Oikawa teases 'so health conscious.'_

_"You need it more than I do," he says and holds it out challengingly._

_Oikawa hesitates but seems to acquiesce. Kenma understands; by him eating the apple, now he'll have to listen._

_He supposes he's fine with this trade._

_He hears the first crunch, a dry comment on the tartness following. "Do you believe Tetsu-chan's sorry?" Oikawa asks and Kenma reprimands him about talking with his mouth full as a mumble before heaving a sigh._

_"Yeah."_

_"Do you believe Tetsu-chan when he says he loves you?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Do you believe Tetsu-chan when he says he loves you more?"_

_Kenma doesn't say anything. Oikawa nods; he's about halfway done with the apple and Kenma's got a feeling that he's ready to throw it out. In response, he glares and Oikawa frowns, takes another bite after a pause. "What makes you not believe him?" he asks quietly._

_Kenma looks away. "…Because he was going to marry someone else."_

_"You keep saying that. You and Tetsu-chan, Pudding-chan—"_

_"Because," he interrupts and rubs his face tiredly, "how do you get over something like that? Knowing the person you're in love with, the person you're dating, the person who's the love of your life was ready to marry someone else?"_

_His chest hurts. Kenma adjusts the way he's sitting and hugs his knees as close as he can, but the pressure helps only minimally. Nails digging into his legs through the fabric, he bows so his head rests to his limbs as he gives a shaky sigh. He hears Oikawa crunching away, followed by a very slight sound of something being set down. He peeks over to see the core set on a napkin and sighs._

_This means Oikawa held up his end of the bargain._

_"Just because he proposed doesn't mean he loved her more," he says, voice smooth and soothing. "Pudding-chan, you're not a romantic, right? You're like Tetsu-chan. But I am. So when I say that sometimes people don't marry the loves of their lives, I mean it._

_"Tetsu-chan accused me of not believing in love, but that's not it at all. I used to read all the great romances. I've watched all the movies. I've memorized the iconic monologues. I go all out on holidays. When I date someone, I don't stop at anything until it feels like we're in a romance movie. I believe in love and I believe in spending your life with someone who makes you feel warm for the rest of your life."_

_"…That's great, Oikawa."_

_"But," he continues as if Kenma hadn't said anything, "even I know that the person you marry isn't necessarily the love of your life. The love of your life… they're that one person, right? The one person you love more than anything. The one person you never really move on from. The one person with whom you have something so, so incredible and so special. Yeah?"_

_Kenma hates that Kuroo's name immediately comes to mind for every single one of those criteria._

_"…Yeah."_

_"But marriage," Oikawa says, "it doesn't have to be_ the one _for that. I know that sounds bad, but just hear me out, okay? When you want to marry someone… it means you love them. It means you want to spend the rest of your days with them. It means you want to show them your commitment in the ultimate way. But you can love so many people of varying degrees and you can love someone enough to want a forever but not have that one thing. Tetsu-chan loved Mieko-chan. He loved her a lot, enough to want to marry her. But that doesn't make her the love of his life."_

_Oikawa looks over and grins._

_"That's always been you. We might only have one love of our lives. One soulmate. But that doesn't mean we can't love other people and be happy with them."_

Kenma has to admit, he does feel a little better after Oikawa's little spiel. He didn't know how to feel at first; it left him with mixed feelings but ultimately _it doesn't mean she's the love of his life_ resonated with him and helped him to feel like he could breathe again. Kenma had smiled slightly, mumbled that Oikawa's certainly got a way with words. He beamed until Kenma noted that that wasn't necessarily a compliment.

He had left a bit later, after getting Oikawa to promise to eat, that he really _will_ get sick if he doesn't. He just laughed but nodded. _"Oh, one more thing, Pudding-chan?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Mind keeping our talk a secret from Tetsu-chan?"_

Kenma doesn't get Oikawa sometimes, but he doesn't have to understand to keep a promise to a friend.

Kuroo smiles again and Kenma can see his body stiffen; the thing is that Kuroo's always been more than good about giving Kenma his space, even when space might not be what he really wants. Kuroo's understanding to a possible fault, he realizes, he's the type of person to lay down everything for the person he loves. It makes his chest hurt again. "…How've you been?" Kuroo asks finally.

"Fine," Kenma answers, frowning a bit. "Sleep more."

Kuroo blinks. "How'd you know I haven't…"

"Your hair's not as awful as usual."

Kuroo blinks again before he laughs and Kenma's chest seizes because he's _missed_ that little laugh. The way it lilts, how his lips curl into that small smile, how he palms the back of his head almost like he's shy. That genuine, sincere laugh that takes Kenma's breath away and Kenma's _so close_ to stepping forward and burying his face in Kuroo's chest.

Because Oikawa's right; with the love of his life, there's a special something. There's something he hasn't felt with anyone else, something he doesn't think he will feel with anyone else.

Kuroo is irreplaceable.

"Aah, yeah. School," Kuroo says after a pause and then a nod a little too fervent. "…Yeah. Lots of late nights cramming with Mizuki."

Kenma blinks. "You're not at Iwaizumi's?"

"Feel bad since they've already got two people," Kuroo frowns and shrugs. "It's fine. Mizuki's close to campus and we're in the same classes."

Kenma's frown deepens. He's about to say something but his phone goes off; a bit startled, he glances down and sees that it's no one worth answering right at this moment. But when he looks up, Kuroo's already turning, smiling gently. "See you around, yeah? Whenever you're ready."

Kenma nods.

"Oh, wait. One more thing."

"Yeah?"

Kuroo's eyes linger on the sweater he's wearing and Kenma suddenly feels awkward because it's Kuroo's sweater. Of course he's going to recognize it.

He grins.

"Looks better on you."

Kenma can't help but watch as Kuroo walks away; somehow he's charismatic even without meaning to be and Kenma just can't keep from staring. But when he rounds a corner, Kenma turns and begins walking the other way; it'll be a longer way home, he thinks, but better that than awkwardly following Kuroo for a while.

It's strange to be without Kuroo; they're separate people, so naturally there have been days where they're not together, but Kuroo and Kenma have generally gotten along. His gut twists; it's really only because of the romance that it's ever been uncomfortable between him, and he can't help but wonder:

Is it worth it to be with him?

"Kenma?"

Kenma freezes. He knows that voice; he knows it's Mieko even before he looks up because even her _shoes_ are pristine. She's seen him and it's not as if he can walk away; at one point, he had been friends with Mieko. Naturally, their relationship's existence ceased upon the break up, but she had been a large part of Kuroo's life at one point.

A part he had intended on keeping forever.

His gut twists more. He swallows and nods. "…Hey."

He wonders why the two people he doesn't really feel like seeing both show up within ten minutes. He'd rather have a wobbling, half-blanket-half-human Oikawa stumbling out from a bar at this point.

That's a lie. He wouldn't want that.

"Hello," she greets and beams, though the expression lessens when Kenma looks away. "Ah… are you all right, Kenma?"

"Yeah."

"…Ah…"

"…Yeah…"

Mieko pauses. Kenma looks up in time to see her actually frozen, mouth open and hand in mid-air. He can't help but smile a little, murmur 'a bug might fly into your mouth.' She gasps and immediately her lips close, offering a bashful smile. Gesturing to a nearby cafe, Kenma remembers how this was the girl who had followed him and sat through an entire programming lecture with him because he'd seemed "a little upset" one day. He knows to give in. She's stubborn the way he is; Kenma doesn't like to talk to many people about personal matters, but when she actually paid attention to a lecture on loops, he decided she deserved at least a proper answer. Nodding, Kenma follows and sits across from her, allowing Mieko the booth seat. She sets down multiple bags and Kenma just stares, wondering how he hadn't noticed those first.

"…Still?" he asks.

She looks a little bashful.

"There was a sale…"

"There's _always_ a sale."

" _Right_ ," she agrees with a sage nod that makes Kenma laugh quietly.

Their drinks arrive, an iced tea for Mieko and apple juice for Kenma. She murmurs that nothing's changed and he guesses his gaze on her lingers a bit too long because of the way she frowns when he says the same. "Kenma," she starts, stirring her drink, "you're with Tetsurou now, right?"

He nods. She's always been blunt like that; it's one of the reasons why they'd gotten along. "…Sort of."

"Sort of?" she asks. Kenma sighs; he hasn't spoken to her ever since a bit after the break up, their conversation back then a bit brief. She'd texted to ask when she could stop by to pick something up, wanting to make sure Kuroo wasn't there. He could still remember the way she'd smiled, her eyes red. Kenma had felt his gut twist; his heart had ached when he saw Kuroo, but Mieko was also someone he'd grown to consider a friend. Seeing her upset and seeing Kuroo upset made him all the more upset at feeling utterly helpless.

_"…Can I ask one thing? Kuro's… not really up for talking."_

_She nods and picks up the book._

_"What… happened?"_

_Mieko sucks in a huge breath and Kenma realizes he probably shouldn't be asking that._

_"Sorry," he tries, looking away, "it's none of—"_

_"Kenma, will you do me a favor?"_

_He pauses, looks at the girl Kuroo had fallen head over heels for, the girl Kenma had befriended. "…I can try."_

_She smiles._

_"…Be there for him, okay? Always."_

"We're… together." Kenma sighs again; he sighs a lot, it appears. "We are, but… I don't know. Right now…"

He shrugs.

"…I found out you two were engaged."

Mieko doesn't say anything at first. He hears 'oh' after a bit and doesn't know what else to do, so he nods. He wonders if it's strange to be talking to Kuroo's ex-fiancée about the reason they're not talking, but it's too late now. Mieko is like Kuroo in that she makes Kenma feel comfortable, like he can say anything.

In retrospect, though, maybe there are some boundaries.

"I mean, I'm not mad," Kenma mumbles in a low voice as he toys with his straw. "It's just… a lot to take in. If I hadn't seen the two of you at lunch, I may have never found out, and that just… I just don't get why he didn't tell me."

He takes a sip of his apple juice and is a bit perturbed when he looks up to see Mieko staring at him with her head tilted, resembling a confused owl. Kenma's eyes narrow in response.

"I asked Tetsurou to keep it a secret," she says slowly. "He… didn't mention that?"

Kenma stares at her. It doesn't really change anything; Kuroo still proposed to Mieko and never told Kenma, but somehow finding out that she was the one who asked shifts everything a little. It doesn't change that Kuroo didn't tell him, but knowing that it wasn't at least entirely Kuroo's decision helps, somehow.

He's a little perplexed but, at the same time, realizes it makes total sense that he didn't try to divert the blame at all. Again, Kuroo's that kind of person where, for the one he loves, he does everything he can. That also applies to exes; Kenma realizes Kuroo's never broken up with anyone on _bad_ terms. His relationship with Mieko had been the longest and most intense to recover from but, even then, they're at a point where they can talk now.

Most people seem to have this perception of Kuroo being badass and dripping in all sorts of sin but, really, he's anything but. Kenma once called him an oversized teddy bear and, in response, Kuroo just grinned. _"That your way of asking to cuddle?"_

"…No," he mumbles. "He didn't say anything about that."

"Maybe Tetsurou had his own reasons," she answers with a small smile, "but I asked him first. And we both know that if you ask him, he'll do it, right? But, Kenma, please believe me when I say this: he wanted to tell you. He really, really did, but I asked him not to repeatedly… and Tetsurou's a good guy. You know?"

Kenma knows.

"Then…" Kenma swallows. "Can I ask why? Did I do something? Or…"

He watches the way Mieko blushes; reaching a hand up, she tucks her hair behind her ear and looks away, clearing her throat. Kenma almost does the same; Kuroo had once mentioned that they have the same nervous habit of playing with their hair when feeling awkward. "He… he didn't tell you why we broke up? Because of you?"

"Oh. He mentioned it." Kenma frowns. "What does—"

"I broke up with him because I realized that he would always love you more," she said softly, offering a gentle smile from across the table. "So that's why I asked him to keep it a secret. Back then… I was ecstatic when he proposed. I loved him so much and I was so, so happy, but I could never quite shake that feeling I got whenever he looked at you, whenever he was with you. Tetsurou's such a good guy and I was lucky to have been able to spend those few years with him. But from when we started dating to when we broke up, the person he loved the most was you. …I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by asking him to not tell you," she mumbles and looks away. "I guess… I wanted to keep trying to convince myself that I was enough. There's no doubt in my mind that Tetsurou would've gone through with the wedding and have been absolutely amazing as a husband, but… it's not fair to him. He loves you more. Both of us knew that, even if neither of us said it until that night we broke up."

Mieko offers a smile and Kenma feels like his world just fell apart a little under his feet.

"But that was unfair of me, I'm sorry. Really."

Kenma's grip on his drink tightens; his eyes drop to the straw, stares into the tiny hole. "…You thought that?" he asks quietly, thinks back to how Kuroo's world had been shattered, finds it hard to believe that one of his greatest loves ended because of another. He feels blood rushing to his face, bringing with it a coolness that somehow turns into a hotness that has him brushing his hair back. "Even back then?"

"Always," she reaffirms. "When he asked me out, I was really surprised too. Because from the first time I saw you two, I knew he had feelings for you. But I liked him too, so…"

She laughs quietly, brushes her hair behind her ear again. "Love can make you blind."

He gives another mute nod, uses his thumb to wipe away a bit of the condensation on his glass now. It feels a little surreal, especially hearing this from Mieko. He glances up to see her looking around the café and his eyes drop again. Because now he can only remember the heartbroken Mieko he'd opened the door to, the heartbroken, red-eyed Mieko whose voice had been so shaky Kenma was surprised she could even say anything at all.

"You…" Kenma's voice trails off and he gathers the nerve to look up, a little tiredly, a little dubiously. "…You don't hate me?"

Mieko blinks. "For what?"

"…"

" _Oh_ ," she says, eyes lighting up. " _Oh._ For Tetsurou's feelings?"

Kenma nods.

"I'll admit that I was hurt," she says, one corner of her lips a little higher than the other as she gives a small shrug with her shoulders. "But… I was never angry with you, Kenma. Of course not. It's not your fault Tetsurou's so crazy for you… I was jealous and always felt a little inferior—"

"Really?" Kenma blurts before he can help it.

"Of course," Mieko says, voice a little smaller than before and Kenma wishes that he hadn't just asked that. "My boyfriend was in love with you, even after proposing to me. Knowing that I'd always come second to you, no matter how hard he tried…"

Breaking off, Mieko suddenly picks up her spoon and stirs her drink. Kenma's eyes drop. "…No matter how hard he tried, it would always be you for him," she finishes her previous thought. "And when I realized that, I had to end it. Because even though I loved him and wanted to be with him, I wanted him to be the happiest he could be. Because he's a good guy; he tries so hard, always puts those he cares about before himself. So when you're with someone like that… sometimes you have to take the initiative, even if it breaks both of your hearts. In fact, the only thing that really got me through that breakup was knowing I did the right thing."

Kenma suddenly has a flashback to Kuroo's excessive drinking and partying that intermingled with days and nights of solitude and refusal to eat. "…Sorry I didn't reach out or anything," he mumbles.

She shakes her head. "I'm sure Tetsurou was like me. Didn't want to talk to anyone…"

Kenma nods.

"Wanted to be alone…"

Kenma nods.

"Drowned in fast food and crappy movies…"

Kenma blinks.

Mieko blinks back and clears her throat.

"Well, _mostly_ like me."

Kenma frowns a little.

"The point is," Mieko says instead, deciding to entirely change the subject, "I think he's happier now, with you. You're _his person_ , you know? You've always been on the humble side, but please understand that you're the absolute most important person in his life. _Always_."

Kenma nods. He's still a little dubious, but everything Mieko just said has him feeling a little bashful, so he lifts his drink to his lips again. He feels guilty for his inadvertent role in their break up; both of them had been so upset and he had no idea, didn't even question Kuroo giving him that ring not even a month later. He'd accepted it, despite being a little confused, and kept it safe until now. Playing with it, he slides it off his finger and glances down at it. He notices the engraving again; it's of a date that he can't attribute to anything important in Kuroo's life, but he, as usual, dismisses it.

He puts it back on his finger. "…Mieko," he starts and she flinches a little before smiling happily at him. "…This might be weird since he's your ex, but…"

"Ask away," she replies cheerfully.

"…Do you think it's always worth risking a friendship for a relationship?"

Mieko blinks. She blinks and Kenma knows it's not to think; she knows exactly what he's talking about and she's just processing what he's asking. Kenma bites his lip and looks away, digging his nail into his thumb. "…It's a bad question to ask, I know, I just—"

"Not always, but in your case, yes," she answers, sounds more sure than he's ever heard her. Kenma looks back in surprise. "Kenma, you and Tetsurou…" she pauses and laughs, shakes her head. "…I think you and Tetsurou are soulmates. Soulmates aren't always romantic. They're just two people meant for each other in every single way and you and Tetsurou… you're that. You two have one of the most amazing friendships I've ever witnessed and even though that in itself is something rare and beautiful, what you two have right now… that's even more precious. Does he make you happy?"

Kenma nods.

"Do you make him happy? Yes," she answers before Kenma can even think to hesitate. "Right now, you two are _so_ happy. I've always thought that you make Tetsurou happier than anyone else ever could; really, that's one of the reasons I ended things with him. We were happy, but we could be happier with other people."

Mieko smiles, this time reaching across the table to take his hand and Kenma just blinks.

"Please don't doubt Tetsurou's feelings for you and please don't doubt what you have. It's one in a million. It's irreplaceable and it's what most people spend their entire lives searching for."

Kenma feels his cheeks warming and Mieko laughs again.

"You two are meant for each other, you know?"

* * *

When Oikawa returns home, Iwaizumi has found Oikawa's secret stash alcohol that he hid in a very obvious place.

In his mind, that _was_ the best hiding place.

Looking around the room, he regrets telling Kenma he'd eat a proper dinner. If he'd known that Iwaizumi would somehow get in and drink his alcohol, he would've just ordered a pizza instead of buy ingredients.

It may have been a few days late, but Oikawa always keeps his promises to his friends. He's even started drinking a little less; Kenma's different from Kuroo and Iwaizumi. Maybe it's his demeanor or maybe it's just the way he so pointedly _glares_ , but Kenma has a way of making Oikawa feel guilty in a way that neither Kuroo or Iwaizumi can.

"Um… Iwa-chan…? Why are you… here?" he asks slowly, heart lurching. "…You didn't move back in without telling me, did you?"

He grunts— _Iwaizumi grunts_ —in Oikawa's general direction, so he sighs. Oikawa playfully sticks his tongue out when Iwaizumi slurs at him to stop blocking the television; he picks up as many of the empty bottles of beer and bags of chips on the table as he can. Heading to the kitchen, Oikawa spends a few minutes either throwing things out, recycling them, or clipping them so they'll stay fresh, ultimately coming back with several bottles of water. He pries the glass Iwaizumi's holding and finishes it himself, gives a frown.

"Nice, Iwa-chan. The twenty-year-old whisky. You're paying me back for that, right?"

"Tastes like _shit_."

"Now now, Iwa-chan. I don't insult _your_ friends."

Oikawa's always liked drunk Iwaizumi, partially because it's rare for Iwaizumi to willingly get drunk. Oikawa's trying to guess what possible reason has caused him to go on this binge tonight while also feeding him water when Iwaizumi suddenly slumps against him.

He's heavy, but in a comforting sort of way. Oikawa's breath immediately hitches because when he looks over, his lips almost skim across Iwaizumi's forehead. And then when he moves, they're tickled by his hair. Iwaizumi's radiating warmth and Oikawa's finding it hard to breathe, can't seem to control his limbs and yet they won't stop shaking. He swallows to ease the dry aching in his throat and just as Oikawa is mustering the self-control to laugh it off, Iwaizumi moves.

He'd be relieved except Iwaizumi doesn't move far. He doesn't move away at all, actually; all he does is look up and Oikawa can't help but look at him.

"Semi'n I… got in a fight."

Oikawa's stomach drops and he blinks. "…What about?" he asks, voice raspy and hoarse.

Iwaizumi frowns. He shrugs and it comes off childish, a bit exaggerated and stubborn. "Pissed 'im off, I guess…"

This time he pulls back.

Oikawa manages to smile. "Semi-chan means that much to Iwa-chan that he'll get this drunk because of a fight?" he asks lightly, starting to turn away. But he doesn't even get to look at the television before he feels a pressure on his cheek and is coaxed into looking at Iwaizumi again. The warmth is from his fingers; slight as they are, their touch is still burning.

Then his hand moves and it's Iwaizumi's palm against his cheek and Oikawa's entire chest clenches, leading his next breath to be shuddered despite his desperation for normalcy.

"Tch… don't make me laugh, 'kawa…"

Oikawa isn't quite sure what to make of the way Iwaizumi's looking at him. It leaves him breathless, that's for sure. And when Iwaizumi begins leaning, Oikawa feels both like ice is running through his veins while fire is dancing over his skin. They're so close; it's like when he was a kid, how he'd hold his face just barely an inch away from the television and feel the static tickling him.

But this isn't just static.

This is enough electricity to light up Tokyo. Maybe all of Japan; all that electricity between them right now.

Iwaizumi's breath reeks of whiskey and Oikawa swears the heat in his stomach, that burning sensation in his chest isn't only because of the shot he just downed. He can't move; his thoughts are either going a million miles an hour or not at all. Oikawa can't tell. He doesn't know. Oikawa doesn't know anything except that Iwaizumi is leaning in, Iwaizumi is closing his eyes, Iwaizumi is drunk as hell, Iwaizumi is about to kiss him.

Shaking hands struggle to move their fingers, but Oikawa's not sure what he wants to do when he can control his own limbs. Iwaizumi's warm and Oikawa catches a whiff of his cologne, a blend of aquatic and citrus. He keeps swallowing and it takes everything to not lick his lips. Oikawa isn't a stranger to kissing; he knows how to kiss (he knows how to kiss quite well, actually) but it suddenly feels like this is his first kiss. That excitement, that terror, that anticipation, that mystery all overwhelm him at once.

His eyes start closing and Oikawa starts tilting his head as Iwaizumi keeps leaning in; he's got one hand on Oikawa's thigh to steady himself, lips parted.

And then Oikawa ducks.

He remembers how to use his hands and he uses them to pull Iwaizumi into a crushing embrace, trembling palms steadying themselves on his back. His fingers curl around the fabric of his shirt and Oikawa gives a shaky breath as he buries his face in the crook of Iwaizumi's neck. He doesn't know how coherent Iwaizumi is or how much he's going to remember the next morning, but he feels Iwaizumi's arms coming loosely around his waist as he exhales, slumping against him.

"Nn… sorry…" Iwaizumi mumbles.

Oikawa laughs and it's choked with a sob.

"Let's… let's get you to bed, Iwa-chan," he says, pulling back with a bright smile.

Iwaizumi's a relatively easy drunk to deal with; once he gets past a certain level, he'll just fall asleep within fifteen minutes and Oikawa's strong enough to carry his dead weight to bed. After tucking him in, Oikawa leaves his room quickly. He closes the door and leans his back against it; his fingers remain curled around the knob briefly before he slides down, collapsing and shuddering terribly as he sighs. He buries his face in his hands but then they move to be grasping his hair and the heels of his palms press to his eyebrows.

"Damnit, Hajime…"

Allowing shaking hands to fall, Oikawa rolls his head so he's staring out the window. He can see the reflection of the whiskey bottle in the glass, only source of light from the kitchen to enhance the image. He gives a quiet laugh, closes his eyes before standing and making his way over.

At one point, he'd been mesmerized by the stars, by the universe by what it held. But right now, it feels like the galaxies are conspiring against him, issuing some sort of galactic karma and Oikawa can't help but think that he must really be a _terrible_ person if the entire universe is now turning against him after a childhood of romanticizing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know i'm always like 'okay say this in the end note' but i never note it so by the time i get to uploading, i entirely forget what i wanted to say... probably wasn't important though... ((´д｀))
> 
> best part about writing oikawa texting is i have a tab of super cute emoticons pulled up at all times （*´▽｀*）
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments always motivating (°◡°♡).:｡


	18. wonder just where you are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he has an entire galaxy of feelings threatening to turn his heart into a supernova.

If Semi Eita did not exist, Oikawa Tooru most likely would have kissed his best friend and the love of his life, Iwaizumi Hajime last night.

But Semi Eita does exist. And, on top of that, Semi Eita is Iwaizumi Hajime's boyfriend, so Oikawa Tooru does not kiss him. It had been something that Oikawa realizes only at the last moment, that final inkling of reality that jerks him away from allowing their lips to meet.

Had it been anyone else, he just may have kissed them. Despite knowing it would be wrong, if he was this head over heels for anyone besides Iwaizumi and they were leaning in to kiss him, he probably would've.

But this is Iwaizumi and Oikawa won't be the one who ruins a relationship that clearly means a lot to him.

He tells him when he asks; Oikawa never intended on keeping it a secret, but when the first thing Iwaizumi asks is 'what happened last night?', Oikawa answers truthfully with, "we almost kissed."

Iwaizumi's frozen. He's just staring at him and Oikawa manages a little smile as he waits for his response. Reaching for the bottle of aspirin, he undoes the cap calmly.

"…Almost," he hears Iwaizumi croak. "So—"

"We didn't," Oikawa answers as he hands Iwaizumi a few pills without meeting his eyes. "But, yeah, that's what happened. I put you to bed and spent the night on the couch."

Iwaizumi's quiet. Oikawa notes the way his brow furrows, the creases in his forehead and he playfully reaches for a pillow, even then not letting the physical contact linger. He grins when Iwaizumi looks over. Oikawa had gotten up early that morning after a restless few hours of trying to sleep. He'd decided to tidy up and then watch television; when he passed by the bedroom just as Iwaizumi was stirring, he grabbed a water bottle and headed in.

Of course it's awkward. Maybe if he didn't have feelings for Iwaizumi, Oikawa, being Oikawa, could brush off something like that. They'd kissed before; he would just dismiss it as that again.

But Oikawa has feelings for Iwaizumi; he has an entire galaxy of feelings threatening to turn his heart into a supernova. And because of that, this is awkward and painful. But Iwaizumi doesn't know how Oikawa feels and this isn't the time to tell him, so Oikawa tries to be the feelingless, emotionless, chipper Oikawa that would be the least simple thing in this convoluted mess.

"Iwa-chan, Semi-chan'll understand if you tell him," he says. "I guarantee it."

The way Iwaizumi's holding his gaze is disconcerting. Oikawa pretends to be fascinated by the thread count on the pillow and examine the hem.

"…What makes you think I'm going to tell him?" Iwaizumi mumbles finally, looks away.

Oikawa tilts his head, allows a gentle smile to grace his lips without looking at him.

"Because, Iwa-chan," he says quietly. "You're that type of genuine, honest guy. And that's exactly why Semi-chan'll forgive you."

* * *

"I almost kissed Oikawa last night."

Oikawa's right. Not telling Semi never even crossed his mind.

Semi's quiet. Iwaizumi catches him as he's leaving his last class; brushing his hand over his arm briefly, he asks if they can talk and Semi pushes his hair away from his face before nodding and following him to a quiet part of campus, one mostly obscured by trees. Iwaizumi stands by a bench and gestures for him to sit. Semi doesn't, just says that he has to get to his next class.

"…Right," Semi says slowly. "And you tell me this because…"

"Because I also came to apologize about apologizing," Iwaizumi says. "You're right. I can't keep doing this to you. It's unfair."

Semi just stares at him and Iwaizumi clears his throat.

"…I'm sorry."

Semi keeps staring and Iwaizumi realizes he's out of things to say. Reaching a hand up to palm the back of his neck, he opens his mouth but Semi interjects, chin tilting upwards as he assesses him. He adjusts his backpack on his shoulder a bit and narrows his eyes. "…That's it?"

Iwaizumi stiffens. "…I don't really know what else—"

"Is this relationship something you even want?" Semi asks bluntly and Iwaizumi's breath hitches. "You can want to date someone and not want to be with anyone at the same time. With you, though, I don't know if you realize that and if you don't, you sure as hell don't realize which one you actually are. I know I've made how I feel for Oikawa plenty clear, but I've also made how I feel about _you_ clear."

"What are you…" Iwaizumi swallows and takes a step back. "…Are you breaking up with me?"

"No, Iwaizumi," Semi says and takes a step back, turning halfway. "I'm not breaking up with you because that's the easy way out and I'm not going to let you keep getting away with this delusion. I'm not a backup option and something's got to change, whether or not you want to be with me, but I'm not telling you what it is."

He walks away, leaving Iwaizumi feeling like he was slapped without ever once having stepped within three feet of him.

* * *

The thing is, Semi didn't actually intend on liking Iwaizumi this much.

It sounds bad, he knows; he shouldn't date someone if he's not serious about them but, he thinks, isn't that the point of casual dating? Iwaizumi's nice. He's funny, in his own dry sort of way, and he's loyal and passionate. He's someone Semi can both _talk_ to and just chat with and that combination in a person is rare nowadays. So he starts dating Iwaizumi because he likes hanging out with him, likes talking to him, likes him as a person. There's no crime in dating someone because he likes them. That's why people date each other. They like each other.

It's a simple concept.

So Semi knew what he was getting into and, back then, he'd been fine with it. He knew of Iwaizumi's feelings for Oikawa and Semi thought it would be one of two outcomes:

Iwaizumi never moves on from Oikawa, which is fine, because it's nothing serious.

Iwaizumi moves on from Oikawa, which is also fine, because Semi does like him.

But Semi hadn't anticipated liking him this much, that spending time with Iwaizumi would have him falling harder. That Iwaizumi's name lighting up his phone doesn't only make him smile, it makes his heart skip a beat. That Iwaizumi falling asleep while on the phone with him ends up more endearing than annoying (and a waste of his minutes.) Semi realizes that sometimes serious relationships stem from ones that were initially casual, he just didn't expect _this_ one to become serious from his perspective.

Sighing, Semi rests his hands in his pockets and starts heading home after a long day of classes. The meeting with Iwaizumi rendered him unable to focus for the rest of his lectures; he'd just stare aimlessly at the professor. He was lucky to answer the question right when he was called on, but he still has no idea what they went on over in class, is glad he has a friend who owes him notes anyway.

He knows the type of person Iwaizumi is. He knows Iwaizumi would only date someone if he has genuine feelings for them. Semi's doubt has nothing to do with whether or not Iwaizumi likes him. He trusts he does. He just doesn't know (or, rather, he unfortunately _does_ know) that Iwaizumi likes someone else more and what he feels for Semi isn't enough.

Maybe he underestimated Iwaizumi's feelings for Oikawa. Maybe he hadn't anticipated on them being so strong, an unbreakable bond between two people, something that's difficult to imagine unless one's also experienced it. Iwaizumi and Oikawa are often spoken of in the same breath; it seems there's no Iwaizumi without Oikawa. While some people argue that Oikawa, the grand king himself, can stand-alone, Semi feels that he's only gotten where he is because of Iwaizumi.

Ushijima's convinced Oikawa made the wrong decision by not attending Shiratorizawa. Semi thinks otherwise, especially now.

_"The king and his lionheart."_

_Iwaizumi looks up from studying, frowns. "What?"_

_"Oikawa and you," Semi murmurs, smirks at him. "The king and his lionheart."_

He sighs again and rounds a corner, stops and narrows his eyes at an approaching figure.

"…Oikawa," he says and blinks. "You look like shit."

"Well, that's just _rude_ ," Oikawa returns, though he does raise an eyebrow at seeing Semi.

Semi knows that's a rude thing to say, but it's true. Oikawa looks awful; Semi doesn't exactly pay him much attention, but he knows that the bags under his eyes, the lack of luster in his hair, the baggy sweats all aren't part of Oikawa's signature look. He frowns and glances at the bag he's holding, hopes the clinking is from glassware. "…Dinner?"

Oikawa sighs dramatically. "Well, I need _something_ to keep me going. Anyway, Semi-chan, it's been nice—"

"Hold on," he says just as Oikawa's about to walk past him. "I've got something to ask you."

Their arms almost touch and they're taking up the entire space of the sidewalk but neither of them move. Oikawa sighs; the clinking intensifies as he shifts to rest his hands in his pockets. "All right," he murmurs and Semi looks over in time to see his nose wrinkling as he pulls his phone out and begins tapping away. "What is it, Semi-chan?"

"Iwaizumi told me about last night," he says curtly and watches the way Oikawa stiffens. "So I'm here to ask you about it."

"Didn't you just say Iwa-chan told you?" Oikawa drawls, never once looking up from his phone. "Does Semi-chan not believe his version? I may lie to you, but Iwa-chan never will."

"No. I'm here to ask about something else."

"All right," Oikawa responds coolly. "Ask away."

"Are you in love with Iwaizumi?"

Because that's the million dollar question. That could change everything; Semi's always had his suspicions, but after everything that transpired, it both lessened and strengthened that belief. Oikawa Tooru's hard to read; if he doesn't want anyone to know something, he seems to be a master of keeping it under wraps. But Semi's got a gut feeling about this and he's got an extremely accurate gut.

Oikawa hesitates. Semi sees his fingers freeze, his eyes widen, his entire body stop moving. But then it passes, first with a smile and then with a laugh as he pockets his phone. "What," he murmurs and looks over. "Do you feel threatened? Semi-chan, honestly, if you actually think Iwa-chan would be unfaithful, that's an insult. Iwa-chan is the best guy you could be with."

"I know," Semi answers. "I'm not asking because of that, I'm asking because I want to know if the guy I'm dating has feelings for someone who has feelings for him in return."

"Why?" Oikawa drawls. "You'd back off?"

"Yeah."

Oikawa's surprised. His eyebrows raise and he seems to be at a loss for words. Semi's eyes narrow when he hears 'why?'

"Because I want him to be happy," he answers with a shrug. He fixes his backpack strap again. "I know the person he wants to be with is you and if you want—"

"Semi-chan, you're making him happy, right?"

Semi's a bit surprised but he nods. "I mean, I'm trying. I try to do what you recommend and—"

"Is Iwa-chan happy with you?" Oikawa asks, voice quiet.

Semi hesitates. "…I think, yeah."

"Then," he mumbles, turns away again. "Don't back off."

Semi doesn't say anything when he walks away, just stares at the ground and wonders about the unsettling feeling in his gut. "Oikawa?" he calls, not turning around.

He hears the clinking stop.

"…Thanks," he mumbles after a second, "for the texts, I mean. Helping me with Iwaizumi even though, well, we don't like each other."

He hears Oikawa laugh and when he looks over, he sees a grin that leaves him feeling colder than he thought any grin could, finds himself sympathizing for someone who, up to that point, he thought was composed of mostly selfish, self-absorbed tendencies. But the way Oikawa smiles at him, the way he looks at him has Semi reconsidering who Oikawa Tooru is.

"Anything for Iwa-chan."

* * *

_Mieko twists the gorgeous ring on her finger, bites her lip and focuses futilely on her textbook._

_The past four months have been like a dream. She had brushed off any gasps with 'it's just a promise ring!' to anyone who noticed the new jewelry; Kuroo would pull her close, hand on her hip and hide his smirk in her hair as she laughed. Once they were alone, she'd find herself pushed against a wall; it was her turn to gasp quietly, smiling into the kiss as she grasped gently at his clothes._

_"What's with you…?" she'd mumble with a giggle._

_And every time he'd murmur 'I'm happy' against her lips, she'd almost entirely believe him._

_Mieko's a rational person; it's likely the cause of of her affinity for the hard sciences. For four blissful months, she had refused to linger on the way he'd stare at her ring, brow furrowed and eyes narrowed. She didn't think twice about when Kenma came back and how she had to intercept the conversation because she just_ knew _what was on the tip of Kuroo's tongue. And, most of all, Mieko didn't even acknowledge the only time Kuroo's eyes lit up more than seeing the ring on her finger was when Kenma greeted him._

_But last month, everything crashed down on her._

_When she hears the door open, she gives a shaky sigh and closes her eyes. Curled up on the couch, she hears Kuroo call her name before slowly standing, turning around but not quite looking up at him._

_"Babygirl, you—"_

_"Tetsurou," she says in a tight voice, cutting him off, "don't lie to me."_

_Kuroo frown. She hears his backpack set on the ground, seemingly heavy as ever, and the sound of footsteps approaching her. "…I'd never," he says quietly. "What's—"_

_"Do you love me?"_

_"So much," he answers immediately and she knows he means it. It makes her smile a little, but it's brief and disappears quickly._

_She swallows._

_"Do you want to marry me?" she asks a question that, until recently, she couldn't even bring herself to formulate. "It wasn't a spur of the moment thing?"_

_"…When I asked, it was a spur of the moment thing, but that doesn't mean I changed my mind. I love you."_

_She bites the inside of her cheek and looks away. "…Do you think you'll ever love me more than you love Kenma?"_

_It's the first time she says it out loud._

_She knows how he feels and she's fairly sure he knows. He'd realize she was watching him when his gaze lingered on Kenma and even though he laughed it off with 'making sure he goes the right way' and ruffle her hair, she could never help but think about how that's what he did with Kenma._

_For the entire duration of their relationship, they'd dance around the topic; Mieko would hint at it to ask something she was scared to put into words and trust in Kuroo's subtle reassurances. But the problem with believing those reassurances was that while they continued with her questions, his feelings for Kenma never changed; he was still in love with his best friend, maybe even more so than when they started dating._

_Kuroo's breath seizes and she can see him tense. He tries to laugh, but she just shakes her head. "Tetsurou," she tries again, voice shaking and tears pressing against the back of her eyes, "please, just… I know you're in love with him. I knew since before we started dating and I… I love you so much, I want to marry you, but—"_

_"And I love you," he says, stepping forward and taking her hand. "Mieko—"_

_"Then tell me honestly that one day you'll love me more," she manages, tears tracing the curve of her cheek and looks up at him, feels her heart break at his expression. "Tell me… tell me that. Because I love you and part of being in love with someone is wanting their happiness."_

_"I'll be happy with you—"_

_"Happiest?"_

_"Mieko, I love you so much—"_

_"More than anyone?"_

_"Please don't do this—"_

_"You can't even answer," she whispers, drawing her hand back. A sob wracks her body and she takes a step back, shaking her head over and over again. Her heart jumps to her throat and she almost feels nauseous, but she's busy trying to keep from crying._

_"Please," she hears again, his voice strained, "please, baby, don't… I'm sorry, but trust me when I say—"_

_"It's not an issue of trust, it's… you love him more," she chokes, looking up with blurry vision. "…I can't do this. I can't marry you like this, I… I'm sorry. It's not fair to either of us if you love Kenma more, I…"_

_She hears him try again, his voice cracking and desperate. But she shakes her head; her body is trembling as she holds herself, thinks that maybe she can hold herself together the way Kuroo would. Her nails dig into her arms through her shirt and she almost collapses on her knees right then and there because the first time she manages to put her biggest fear into words is the only time he can't reassure her, not even indirectly._

_She knows that he would make her happy and she knows that she'd make him happy; Mieko wouldn't have stayed in an unhappy relationship for this long. She knows that Kuroo Tetsurou is the type of person to give himself wholly, but she also knows that he's already devoted himself to someone else and, whether or not he realizes it, that means he can't give all of himself to anyone else._

_"D-don't... just don't, Tetsurou. Please. Don't make this any harder."_

_Bringing her hands up to cover her face, it barely muffles her sob._

_"I can't be with you knowing you'd be happier with Kenma."_

* * *

Kenma comes home finally, sighs and watches Kuroo stand even before the door closes. He'd asked him there; Kenma had been a bit late in getting back and his apology is accepted with a silent nod. Kuroo doesn't say anything; Kenma can feel him watching as he shrugs out of his coat and drops the keys into the bowl by the door. He feels like every single movement is observed; Kuroo's watching him the way he does a specimen under a microscope.

He goes to the kitchen and gets a glass of water. Kuroo follows him, but Kenma doesn't look at him as he walks past and goes over to the couch, takes a seat and a sip of water before another sigh.

"All right," he says quietly. "Let's talk."

Kuroo nods, and Kenma watches the way he's chewing on his lip. He keeps giving false starts, mouth opening and hands moving but no words coming out. Kenma is silent; he doesn't trust his voice to say anything, barely even trusts his hand to hold a glass steady. After everything Iwaizumi said, Oikawa insisted, and even Mieko reassured, seeing Kuroo in person does things to Kenma that no one else ever can. It leaves his knees weak and his hands shaking, his throat dry and heart racing. He doesn't want to be hurt by this and, until he saw him, he thought he no longer was. But Kenma still loves him more than anything; he just doesn't know how to stop being hurt by something that wasn't even done to hurt him.

"I'm sorry," Kuroo finally says. "…To start with. Oikawa…" he pauses, shakes his head. "…I should've told you. I should've asked Mieko, explained to her that… I couldn't just _keep_ something like that from you. I'm sorry."

Kenma nods slowly, but can't help but mutter, "…That doesn't change the fact you were engaged."

He doesn't mean it harshly, but Kuroo flinches and whatever he was going to say next is swallowed when he closes his mouth. Kenma feels a little bad; it's always been hard for him to stay angry at Kuroo. Kuroo Tetsurou is someone with a ton of pride, but realizing his wrongs has never been a problem. He's always been one to own up to his mistakes and try his best to fix them.

Staying hurt, though, has nothing to do with how mature and responsible Kuroo is.

"I know," he manages and licks his lips. "…It was… well, about two and a half years. After we started dating, I mean."

Kenma nods silently. Kuroo chews on his bottom lip and takes a seat on the loveseat across from him, sitting with his elbows on his knees. "I… just did it. We were talking one night and so I just proposed. I didn't have a ring or anything, had to go out the next day and buy it."

"Were you thinking about it at all before?" Kenma asked softly.

"No. I mean, I guess I'd think about marrying her because she was someone who I thought I could spend my life together. But never seriously."

Kenma frowns. "...That sounds impromptu."

Kuroo nods. "Yeah. I just… I fell for her really quickly and really hard. We were young, we were in love, so I just…"

"But you _did_ want to marry her."

Kuroo closes his eyes. "…Yes. I'm sorry about not telling you. Really, I am, I just… I trust you more than anyone and I really, _really_ wanted you to know. I was going to ask you to be best man, Kenma. You mean so much to me. Even back then, you meant so, so much. I hated keeping things from you—"

Kuroo's talking quickly; his words are coming out jumbled and mashed together, but Kenma can just barely separate them as they're meant to be. He sighs and nods; this isn't what he's upset about, he wants to tell him, he knows Kuroo's sorry. "Mieko told me she asked you not to—"

"I didn't want to tell you because that would make it real."

Kuroo's voice sounds defeated and Kenma's too surprised at what he said to realize he interrupted him. Kuroo's voice nearly cracks at the end, desperation peaking. Kenma watches the way he pushes his bangs back; he looks so utterly lost and hopeless that, for a moment, Kenma can't stay hurt. This is the person he's in love with, very much so, and when Kuroo looks like that, it just rips Kenma apart in ways he can't explain.

He swallows and looks away with his brow knit. "…What do you mean?" he asks quietly.

Kuroo sighs. The heels of his palms press to right above his eyebrows and he exhales, shoulders trembling with the breath. "…When I told you… that I was getting married to Mieko, it felt like… it felt like that would be it. For us. It felt like the moment I told you would be the moment I gave up any chance there was in the entire _universe_ of us being together. I loved her. I love her so much I proposed but even so…"

He hesitates. And this time when he looks up, it's at Kenma. And even though he still looks downtrodden and exhausted, Kenma's struck by the way he's looking at him; Kuroo's always had an intense gaze, but right now Kenma almost feels like he wants to shrink away. Because the way he's looking at him makes him feel like he's seeing right through him, magnifying every insecurity and highlighting it.

"…I wasn't ready to move on," he finishes quietly. "Even though we weren't together, we never had been, I didn't think we'd be, I just…"

He sighs so deeply his shoulders move and Kenma swears he mirrors the action.

"…I was moving on from the greatest love of my life and I just wasn't ready. You… you mean everything to me. And being in love with you, as much as it hurt me, also meant everything to me. It defined me. It made me better. You, Kenma, make me better. That's why I wasn't willing to move on from that part of my life, even if I loved Mieko. I loved her so, so much. But I loved you so, so, _so_ much and you're the only one who I could honestly say that I love you more than anything and anyone.

"Yeah, Mieko also asked me to not tell. Because we were really young, you know? We wanted to keep it small and quiet, until we had everything solidified. We didn't want to complicate anything and, looking back…" he pauses and gives a dry, quiet laugh. "…Looking back, she was probably worried about my feelings for you. I don't blame her one bit."

Kenma nods. His heart skips a bit at what he said, but when he hears Kuroo ask 'tell me what's still bothering you' he just sighs and shrugs. "…You _proposed_ to her," he says quietly. "That's… that's huge. I can't… it's hard for me to wrap my mind around. It's… it's a forever."

Kuroo exhales slowly.

"Yeah. It is."

"You were really in love with her."

He nods.

"I was."

Kenma echoes the nod, biting his lip, worry creasing his brow. Kuroo seems to take note; he hears him sigh and then stand. "Kenma," he starts, voice almost wavering. "I love you. You have to know that, right?"

"That's not the issue."

"Then what is?"

"You _proposed_ to her," Kenma repeats and this time when he looks up, he sees Kuroo looking at him so desperately and vulnerably. "You were going to spend the rest of your life with her. Something like that… those feelings don't just stop. They _don't_ , not when you love someone that much—"

"I loved you more."

Kenma has mixed feelings about that and apparently Kuroo can tell because he mumbles 'not the best thing to say' with a little laugh. "But it's true," he murmurs and pushes his hair back. "…I did. I do. All this time, it's always been you, Kenma. I just didn't know back then that we would have a chance to be together. You mean more to me than she does. Than she ever did—"

"Not when you were engaged."

Kenma looks up.

"She was your priority then, right?"

He doesn't say anything for a solid twenty seconds and even though Kenma's gut twists, he knows why. Because Kuroo's that sort of person; he and Iwaizumi actually have that in common: going all out in a relationship once they commit. When he proposed to her, Kuroo had given her a silent promise that she would be his everything and he had stuck to that promise as best he could. Because that's how a fiancé acts. That's how a husband acts. That's how a good boyfriend acts.

It's not his fault, but Kenma's heart aches thinking about it.

Breath coming out a shallow exhale, Kenma pulls his knees up to his chest, head bowing so his forehead rests on them. His nails dig into his legs through his pants; blood is rushing, pounding in his head, and everything feels distant except for Kuroo pulling a blanket over him. He mumbles his halfhearted gratitude, lingering in the warmth.

"…I was always kind of jealous of her, you know," he says finally, looking up so Kuroo can hear him. Kenma rests a cheek on a knee and stares at the wall instead of Kuroo. "…She's kind of like the person people either want to be or want to be with. She's beautiful, smart, sweet, a bit sassy, funny… she's more or less perfect, but something about her makes her impossible to actually hate. She… she was a good match for you, Kuro."

Kuroo doesn't say anything to that at first; he just sighs slowly and Kenma remembers to blink only when his eyes threaten to start tearing up. He's always felt a certain level of insecurity; Kuroo's helped him immensely, but maybe that's why it feels exasperated around him. Kenma doesn't want to let him down, not after everything he's done for him. But he just can't measure up to someone like Mieko. It's not in his blood.

"Kenma, all the reasons I fell for her were because they reminded me of you," Kuroo says and Kenma's eyes widen, feeling his cheeks and ears start heating up. "She doesn't talk much but when she does, it's either this dry, witty remark or something blunt but honest, delivered in a way that's not insulting. She gets worked up over tiny things and focuses on them until she figures them out. She's logical; she's the only person I've met who actually likes doing labs more than I do and she followed every step precisely. She works things out in her head and thinks before she acts. She observes more than she acts and knows what to say when and when to just not say anything at all. Hell, she's short and for one summer she went blonde. Do you get it now? I loved her, I really did, but it was because she reminded me of you."

He's silent for a moment.

"…Everything, for me, has always been you."

Kenma's silent. His eyes close and the stinging from being kept open too long ends up being somewhat soothing. His slight fingers start curling and grasping the fabric of his pants; he's trying to shrink away, hugging himself tighter and tighter because maybe, just maybe, he'll disappear.

"Just because I loved her that much doesn't mean I love you any less," Kuroo says. "We… we're not born with a certain capacity of love. It's not like I give her a third and you two thirds, or her one fourth and you three fourths. How much I love… it's infinite. And back then, yeah, there were the two of you. But now? It's all you. Everything is for you. My entire fucking existence, Kenma, lives to be in love with you."

Kenma has to admit, it feels like his heart skips two beats at that.

Kuroo's always been a smooth talker.

Kenma's been witness to Kuroo talking his way out of tickets and into phone numbers, sometimes even out of having to pay if he forgot his money (though he always goes back to make up for the fare.) And, for the most part, Kenma's used to it and he doesn't get affected by it, just watches other people fall head over heels.

But right now, he suddenly understands that intoxicating effect Kuroo's words can have.

Because the way he's looking at him, the way his voice holds that pleading tone, the way he's leaning towards him all make Kenma's chest seize. He's being so sincere; Kenma looks at him and before he can stop himself, he murmurs 'you're so cheesy' and stands. Kuroo looks surprised, but his arms come out automatically when Kenma leans in to hug him; he buries his face in his neck and allows himself to be coaxed into Kuroo's lap. He hears 'thank god' and feels it as a hot breath against the crook of his neck; Kuroo's hugging him so tightly he almost can't breathe, but he wouldn't have it any other.

Kenma swears their hearts beat in synchronization for a few moments.

"Are we okay?" Kuroo asks quietly, his words almost lost in Kenma's dyed hair.

Kenma nods, smiling slightly when he pulls back and touches their foreheads together. "…Yeah," he mumbles. He can't help but smile when he sees the way Kuroo relaxes, murmuring 'thank god' under his breath and pulling him into a crushing embrace again.

The ring Kenma still wears catches the light and he stares at it, thumb reaching to touch along it as his cheek rests on Kuroo's shoulder. "I'm just surprised you didn't get your grandmother's ring back from her earlier," Kenma continues, playing with the band around his finger and dropping his eyes.

"…What?" Kuroo asks as he pulls back; he sounds confused, brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"The engagement ring," Kenma mumbles.

"…I bought the one I gave her," Kuroo says slowly.

Kenma's frown deepens. "…But you said your grandmother's ring meant everything to you. Why would you buy a wedding ring if you already had one—"

"It's not necessarily a wedding ring," Kuroo says. "It's… just a band with a date inscribed on the inside."

Kenma's breath stops.

"…You said," he starts, swallowing, "you said that you'd give it to…"

"The most important person to me, like she told me to," Kuroo said quietly, one corner of his lips tugging higher than the other in his smile as he nods. His eyes drop to Kenma's hand and he's more than aware of it, yet can't seem to tear his gaze away from Kuroo. "…Yeah. It's been with that person for years now."

The back of Kenma's neck starts heating up.

"...You said…"

"I guess I couldn't get over the thought of us," Kuroo murmurs. "I wanted to, but… the possibility of us was something I couldn't let go over completely. Not ever. I've known it was yours from when my grandmother gave it to me," Kuroo finishes quietly, eyes half lidded. "…Stupid, hopeless romantic side of me, I know."

Kenma swallows.

"…You didn't even know we would be together. You thought we wouldn't."

"Yeah," he shrugs, "but you're _the one_ , Kenma. I was never unsure about that."

Kenma's not one for big, romantic gestures, but when Kuroo Tetsurou says something like that, he's got to take his face in his hands and kiss him until his lips are bruised and his lungs ache, until their bodies are flush together and he almost forgets what day, what month, what year it is because the only thing that matters is that it's just him and Kuroo and they can face anything together.

* * *

**To: Shittykawa**

_oikawa no ones seen you for three days_

**To: Shittykawa**

_what the fuck_

**To: Shittykawa**

_answer me_

**To: Shittykawa**

_i have hw and milk bread_

**To: Shittykawa**

_im not leaving your door until i see you eat a full meal and make sure youre alive_

"So stubborn, Iwa-chan…"

Oikawa's swaying when he opens the door and Iwaizumi immediately scowls, finds it a toss up between hunger and being drunk. He mumbles a few choice swears under his breath as he walks in; the air is musty and heavy, unhelped by how dark it is. He hears Oikawa's half hearted whine when he throws aside the curtains; opening all the windows and the balcony door, Iwaizumi inhales the fresh breath.

With the new sources of light, he turns around and is appalled at the mess he sees.

"Oikawa," he snaps, feeling his stomach drop when he looks at his best friend, "…what…"

"You know, Iwa-chan, if you were going to force your way in I really would've cleaned…" Oikawa mumbles halfheartedly.

Iwaizumi had thought he was losing Semi because of Oikawa when he was also neglecting Oikawa because of Semi. Looking around the apartment is proof of that.

He hasn't seen Semi in a few days; after what he said, Iwaizumi's at a complete loss as to what he had meant. He likes Semi. He loves Oikawa. That much he knows, but what did he mean by the change? Is there something obvious that Iwaizumi's entirely missing?

He sighs and goes into the kitchen to grab a trash bag to start cleaning. Oikawa stands in a corner and just watches him; Iwaizumi clears the couch first and motions for Oikawa to sit. He does so and waits until Iwaizumi's finished. He shakes his head when asked if he wants food, so Iwaizumi brings over some instant ramen, chopsticks on the lid to keep it down. "Three minutes."

"I can't _wait._ "

Iwaizumi scowls but sits next to him. He hears Oikawa call his name softly and grunts as his response. "…How are you and Semi-chan?"

Somehow, Oikawa is really good at figuring out just what he doesn't want to talk about.

"Are you two okay?" he asks and looks over with a little frown. "Iwa—"

"We're… we're in a weird place," he admits with a shrug. "…Not really sure what he wants. Not… really sure what I want either."

"Oh. Communication issues?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"I've had a few of those myself."

"How'd they end up?"

"…Yes, Iwa-chan, I am still dating all of those girls right now."

Iwaizumi manages a little laugh but mumbles 'shut up.' Oikawa smiles happily and reaches a hand out to punch his arm lightly. "Made Iwa-chan laugh. That counts for something, right?"

"Shittykawa," he mumbles and looks over. "You count for everything. You're in charge of the stupid scoreboard and could rig it so you're always in the lead."

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Yeah, well, you don't make much sense."

This is what he wants, Iwaizumi realizes. _This_ is the type of relationship he'd want with the person he's dating, just mindless banter and stupid things. Sitting together in front of a television and caring more about the other than what's playing, feeling his heart leap when they laugh and somehow smiling when it feels like there's nothing to be happy again.

He wants to be with _Oikawa_.

Iwaizumi blinks. "…Oh. Fuck."

Oikawa tilts his head and looks over. "…What?"

"…Nothing. I'm just… a really shitty person."

Oikawa hums. Iwaizumi doesn't know what he's doing but he's surveying him, and by the time he looks over to snap at him, Oikawa's picked up the ramen and started stirring it. "Impossible. As the worst person in the world, I can assure you, Iwa-chan, that you're one of the best."

Iwaizumi scoffs. "Of course—"

"I mean it."

Oikawa's eyes soften and he smiles in a way that breaks Iwaizumi's heart and the shards feel like meteorite impacts on his chest.

"…You're the best guy I know. Semi-chan's lucky to have you."

* * *

Kuroo's not good at staying mad at people he cares about.

He's still hurt, but he knows the type of person Oikawa is. Some people talk to people when they're upset. Some people take a bit of coaxing. Others shut down entirely. Oikawa is definitely the latter and Kuroo knows it because that's the type of person he is.

Kenma asks about Oikawa about three days after Kuroo's moved back and Kuroo's mostly surprised it takes him that long. They'd been sitting on the couch together, Kuroo with his arm around Kenma's shoulders, their fingers laced loosely. Kenma was leaning against him and Kuroo knew the moment his heart skipped a beat that Kenma would note it. And sure enough, after setting his phone down (it hadn't been Oikawa after all, just Iwaizumi asking about him), he felt Kenma shifting, looking up at him. Kuroo tried to smile reassuringly but Kenma persisted.

_"We just… said some stuff. I don't know."_

_"Was it you or him?"_

_"…Him."_

_"Must be bad if you haven't gone to see him_ ," _Kenma mumbles._

_Kuroo's brow furrows. His thumb traces circles lazily on the back of Kenma's hand and he presses a kiss to the top of his head. "…Have you seen him?"_

_"Yeah," Kenma says quietly. There's a silence that extends for a bit too long and Kuroo sighs even before Kenma finishes his thought. "…I don't think he's doing that well."_

"Oikawa. I've got water, bread, plain bread mind you, vegetables, and the cheapest cut of steak I could find. Let me in or all of this is rotting."

Kuroo's reaching for his credit card and a bobby pin when he hears the door unlock, looking up tiredly. The door doesn't exactly open more than a few inches, but that's enough for him to see Oikawa's face, unsure if he's still pissed off or if he's just feeling guilty. "Tetsu-chan," Oikawa starts, "I really don't—"

"You've already said the shittiest thing you could to me and I'm back, so go for it," Kuroo snaps. Oikawa stumbles when he shoves the door open, almost tripping over his feet but catching himself on the counter behind him. Kuroo hears the door close as he heads over to the kitchen, wordlessly moves all the empty bottles to the side and sets his bags on the counter instead.

Oikawa shuffles over and Kuroo catches the way he wobbles before hiding it as a lean against the wall. He clears his throat and crosses his arms. "…Right, then. You're here because of your guilt?"

"I'm here because I'm your friend, you gigantic jackass," Kuroo mutters, taking out a cutting board and knife, feeling twinges of anger despite the logic and reasoning he'd convinced himself with so he would actually come over. He runs a few leaves of the cabbage under water before transferring to the board and begins cutting them up. "I don't stop caring when I'm pissed."

Having Kenma back had been everything Kuroo thought he wanted, but even with Kenma curled up against him when they went to bed and waking him up with kisses along his jaw, there was still a part of Kuroo's gut that kept twisting. He eventually gave in and recognized it as his last encounter with Oikawa; no matter what had been said and how it had been said, the point was that it was true on some level. Without it, Kuroo didn't know if he and Kenma would be all right right now. Maybe they would. But maybe they wouldn't.

Oikawa doesn't lie, he realizes, he just says things in the wrong way sometimes.

"Kenma and I are okay," he says after a moment. He hears 'oh?' from Oikawa and when he looks up, there's that smile that reminds Kuroo why Oikawa's such a good friend.

"Good."

It's a little awkward and even though Kuroo's trying to focus on the rhythm of his blade meeting the cutting board, he can't help but tense at the atmosphere. He's not used to feeling awkward with Oikawa; after Kenma, Oikawa's likely the person he's closest to. He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know where to start, but he knows that leaving isn't an option. Just looking at Oikawa is evidence of that.

He sighs and catches sight of Oikawa flinching a bit. "...That stuff you said, it hurt, but it put things into perspective," Kuroo says quietly. Kuroo doesn't need to look up to see the way Oikawa flinches at their last encounter being mentioned.

"Ku—Te—"

Oikawa seems confused and Kuroo doesn't blame him; he also doesn't know how he should be addressed right now. Fidgeting, he pulls one of his sleeves done and clears his throat; maybe he feels just as awkward as Kuroo does right now. He doesn't finish his sentence but Kuroo catches his eye when he looks up. Their gazes linger before Oikawa looks away.

_Sorry._

Oikawa doesn't like apologizing. Kuroo doesn't either, but what differs is that at least Kuroo _will_ apologize when he realizes he's done wrong. Oikawa, on the other hand, might not, and with his sunny disposition and bubbly personality, sometimes he gets away with it. And if Oikawa were going to try that right now, he wouldn't be trying to become one with the wall and keep his shoulders rounded.

Kuroo gives a short nod, makes sure Oikawa's seen it before he goes back to focusing on the food.

_Yeah, I know._

Holding the meat in his hand, Kuroo stares at the knife he was using and realizes that it won't do for anything besides vegetable. Looking around for another blade, he feels the package taken out of his hands. Surprised, he turns to see Oikawa putting it back in the plastic while the other hand simultaneously turns off the stove. "I'm glad for you and Pudding-chan, but you've caught me at—"

"I'm not leaving," Kuroo cuts him off. "Not until we talk because, Oikawa, you can't—"

"This isn't a request. I don't want—"

"I don't give a shit what you want. You're the type of person who can't be left alone when upset—"

"Upset? Who said I'm upset? Certainly I may not have been sleeping enough—"

"You freak out when you find out Iwaizumi's in love with you and then you freak out when you realize you feel the same way about him. And maybe I've just helped enable you, but—"

"But nothing," Oikawa says sharply and Kuroo flinches a bit. "I don't want to talk about it. I'll be fine; really, Kuroo, you and everyone else keep thinking I need to _talk_ about it, but I don't. Not everyone—"

"You're not one of those people who can get away with not talking," Kuroo snaps, on the verge of yelling. "You, damnit, Oikawa, you need to talk because otherwise it'll eat you up—"

"Everyone underestimates my emotional stability, it's quite insulting—"

"Because you don't fucking have any emotional stability!"

" _That's_ very insulting."

"What are you so afraid of?!" Kuroo pushes his hair back with both hands. "What, is it Iwaizumi? Are you afraid of if he still loves you or how he'll react if he finds out that you do? Or is this some deep-rooted insecurity thing because, holy shit, I don't think I've ever met anyone who's so good at running away. Don't you ever stop and think about the consequences? Or is it just decisions piling on top of each other to cover up how badly you've messed up this time—"

"I don't _know_ why I'm like this, all right?"

Kuroo's mouth is still open when Oikawa snaps and he's still from surprise. Oikawa bows his head; a hand comes up to meet his face and Kuroo can see the labored breathing taking its toll on him, the dip between his shoulders exaggerated with every exhale. The other hand still presses to the counter in order to steady himself and Oikawa looks up, seems defeated as he lets his hand fall away. "…Okay?" he mumbles. "I don't _know_ why I keep running away, it's just… it's just instinct. I know Hajime won't hate me. I know… I know he's not going to stop being my friend if he knows how I feel, but—"

"But what?" Kuroo presses. "I want to help, okay? But I don't know what to do if I don't know what you're scared—"

"I'm not asking for your help, Kuroo," he sneers.

"Too bad because I'm offering it anyway. You're my friend—"

" _Friend_?" Oikawa spits and laughs. "Seriously, you still consider me that? After what I said to you? After knowing how you feel about Kenma and how Kenma feels about you, still sleeping with you, thus hurting both him _and_ Hajime? Don't you get it? I'm some sort of unstoppable destructive whirlwind of fuck ups and I seem to be screwing over everyone around me! I hurt Kenma because I started hooking up with you, I hurt you because of what I said, and, god, don't even get me started on Hajime. He's gotten the shortest end of the stick but for some reason he's still here and-!"

"He's your best friend," Kuroo intercepts. "Oikawa, I get you're guilty. Anyone would be—"

"I'm not just _anyone_ , I've proven over and over again to be the shittiest person on earth. I don't know if you and Hajime are into some special type of _masochism_ to hang around me but—"

"I'm your _friend_ ," Kuroo cuts in, voice strong. "Friends stay with each other, no matter how bad they fuck up. Have you messed up? Yeah. Have I? Of course. And not even because of you; I make my own fuck ups and you're there to help me through them. Okay? That's how a friendship works. You're not unforgivable. You're not unredeemable. You—"

"Do you _not see_ what I do?" Oikawa's voice is tight, as if strained and close to tears. "I fuck things up. I don't think about other people, I just focus on myself and run away—" he breaks off, shaking hands coming to his face when Kuroo starts hearing a laugh. "I… I run away, every single time, and so far Hajime's been here every time, but one day…" he hiccups.

"One day he's not going to be. I'm going to _lose him_ and it's going to be all my fault and I don't know if I can handle that. I can't be that strong, put together guy people seem to think I am, I just can't, I—I wasn't born with this god given talent and hard work only gets you so far. I'm in love with my best friend. I'm in love with him and I want to be with him more than anything, but, honestly, he should've burned every single bridge with me because of how selfish I've been… rejecting him in that roundabout way, trying to keep him from being happy because I'm too scared to be without him, I—"

Oikawa shudders with his next breath. "I don't know how I didn't realize it sooner but, oh god, it feels like my heart's either going to cave in on itself or explode in my chest and then there's going to be all this shrapnel. And because I'm a human tank I'll just keep hurting everyone around me and, instead of facing that, I'll run away again and this'll be some fucking endless cycle that I generate every single time because-!"

"But you come back."

Reaching forward, Kuroo grabs Oikawa's wrist and tugs sharply. Oikawa stumbles forward and Kuroo easily catches him, arms wrapping around him and holding him close, sighing into his hair. "…Okay? Oikawa… yeah, you kind of fuck up a lot. Like… a _lot_. But you're human and people mess up all the time. We can't help that. What we can help is how we recover and… you hurt Kenma, but you called things off with me and helped us get together. You hurt me, but you're there for me when I need a friend. Hell, you were rude to Semi, but now you're helping him be the perfect boyfriend. And Iwaizumi. Yeah, you hurt him. But you're trying to help his current relationship. You've basically turned yourself into a ticking time bomb for his sake. You run away, but then you come back and throw yourself into making things better and that's why you're a good person."

Kuroo closes his eyes and sighs.

"…You're not unforgivable. There's a reason why we're still friends with you, asshole. There's a reason why we still care. There's a reason why Iwaizumi's in love with you. Eight years. Did you know that? Eight fucking years. How much crap do you think you've pulled? He still loves you. You just… can't shut down and push everyone away. We worry about you. You know how you said that stuff about it being hard to accept someone cares about us? Your own speeches apply to yourself."

Kuroo manages a little smile when he hears Oikawa sniffling, hugs him tighter.

"You're stuck with us, sorry."

Oikawa's slight but still warm, so, Kuroo thinks dryly, at least that's confirmation he's still alive. He doesn't know how long they stay like that in the kitchen, but he just knows he's more than fine with it. Oikawa's arms have come up around him, his fingers weakly grasping at his shirt. Kuroo hears a weak laugh and loosens his grip, giving a grin when he pulls back. "You're an ugly crier."

"Shut up," Oikawa mumbles, but he's smiling as he uses the hem of his sleeve to wipe at his eyes. Giving a smirk, Kuroo reaches for a water bottle and tosses it to Oikawa, reaching into one of the drawers and taking out a large garbage bag.

"You going to start eating again?" he asks quietly.

Oikawa sniffs. "Only if Tetsu-chan cooks for me."

Kuroo glares but he waves a hand. "…Fine, for three days. But no more drinking. No negotiation on that."

Oikawa nods gravely. "Yes, sir."

"Answer when I text or call. And tell me about your day."

"…Is Pudding-chan okay with you dating me too?"

"More like we're unofficially adopting you as our kid," Kuroo mumbles. Oikawa huffs but he follows Kuroo over to the island; Oikawa leans on his elbows and watches Kuroo take the meat back out again, unwrapping it and searching for a knife as he sets it on the cutting board.

"Oh, I lied," Kuroo says with a smirk. "This isn't the cheapest meat."

"Oh?" Oikawa brightens a little.

"Third. You're worth a pretty penny, buddy."

"…Oh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> （‐＾▽＾‐）is what i imagine to be oikawa's favorite emoticon
> 
> (´∩｀。) is what i think i've turned his giant emoji of a face into with this fic
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated as always ♥


	19. a million miles away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “iwaizumi hajime is who he is because he grew up with oikawa tooru. who knows who you’d be without him?”

" _Iwaizumi."_

_"Semi? What—"_

_"Talk to Oikawa."_

_Iwaizumi hesitates. He sets his pencil down and leans back in his chair, holding the phone to his ear. Semi had called; a stunned Iwaizumi had almost let it go to voicemail before picking up on the last ring, scrambling to do so and nearly knocking over his drink in the process._

_"You haven't, right?" he hears._

_Iwaizumi flinches. "…No, but how'd you—"_

_"This is coming from someone who isn't Oikawa's biggest fan," Semi sighs. "…He didn't look like he was in a good place last I saw him. …Go take care of him, Iwaizumi. I think he needs you right now."_

"…Kuroo?"

"Hey there, buddy."

Kuroo grins and leans against Oikawa's doorframe like it's his own. "What's up?"

It's strange, but Oikawa and Kuroo are strange people. Iwaizumi accepts the situation at face value. There could be odder things than Kuroo answering Oikawa's door.

Iwaizumi clears his throat. Oikawa isn't answering his phone, so Iwaizumi had been ready to use the spare key he still has, but Kuroo answering the door renders his second plan much more intrusive than originally intended. Craning his neck, he tries to see if he can spot Oikawa, but Kuroo moves his head accordingly. Iwaizumi tries again and Kuroo's head slinks back over. Growing a bit annoyed, Iwaizumi glares at Kuroo's easygoing smile. He tries again; this time Kuroo doesn't move, but Kenma pop ups and Iwaizumi nearly falls. "Jesus—"

"Hi."

"What are—why are you two here?" Iwaizumi frowns after a moment. "…Oikawa need roommates?"

"Just visiting," Kuroo answers a little too chirpily. But then his expression grows serious and suddenly Iwaizumi is aware that Kuroo is staring at his pocket. "…Don't you still have the key? Why're you knocking?"

"Oh." Iwaizumi scratches his cheek. "Yeah, but… I don't know. I don't live here so it feels weird using it. I have it in case something's wrong, but…"

Kenma nods. "You're a good person. Kuroo doesn't even knock anymore."

"…I've never walked in on you doing anything."

"You've interrupted me when I was thinking."

"Oh, that's why you throw things at me?"

"…No, you're just target practice."

"Stop flirting," Iwaizumi snaps and rubs his face. He figures it's safe to assume they're okay now if they're here together; if he weren't worried about Oikawa, he'd comment on that, but Semi's phone call had left him on edge. Iwaizumi knows that saying that Semi doesn't like Oikawa is an understatement. It probably goes beyond their relationship and Iwaizumi's feelings for Oikawa; it isn't a matter of jealousy because Semi, like many others, had reasons to not like Oikawa.

Sometimes even Iwaizumi doesn't know why he likes Oikawa.

Sighing heavily, Iwaizumi looks up tiredly. "Look, is Oikawa in there?"

Kuroo nods. "Yeah."

"Can I see him?" Iwaizumi asks.

Kuroo pauses and Iwaizumi's eyes narrow. "…Uh…"

"Oikawa's sleeping," Kenma says and if it hadn't been for Kuroo's face, Iwaizumi may have believed him. Instead, he stares at Kenma and, when he stares back unwaveringly, Iwaizumi looks at Kuroo again, squints, and nods when he flinches.

"I knew it. Something's up. What's wrong with him? Let me in."

"He's fine, we're taking care of—"

"Look, something's wrong with Oikawa," Iwaizumi says sharply. Kuroo doesn't quite flinch, but he does look startled and then guilty. Kenma just quietly sighs. Rubbing his face, Iwaizumi furrows his brow. "…It's so bad that Semi told me talk to him. Okay? Even… even Semi is worried."

Iwaizumi drops his hand.

"…He's my best friend. I don't care how badly he's messed himself up this time, I… I care about him. I need to talk to him."

Iwaizumi sees Kuroo match his gaze. When he swears under his breath and pushes his hair back, Iwaizumi relaxes with a small grateful smile upon hearing his agreement. Kenma's eyes widen and he looks up at him quickly at the same time his hand goes to tug gently at the hem of his shirt. "Ku—"

"No, it's fine," Kuroo says and steps back, hand around Kenma's waist to bring him out of the way so Iwaizumi can come in. "He's, uh, how do I put this… he feels like a piece of shit. The world's biggest, to be more specific."

Iwaizumi nods as he steps in and out of his shoes. "Okay. That sounds like normal Oikawa—"

"No," Kuroo interrupts gently. "He's… I mean, I think he's doing better, but, you're right. You're his best friend. Don't be a dick."

Iwaizumi's eyes narrow at the last remark. Kuroo just grins and claps a hand to his back. Mumbling a few choice words, Iwaizumi sighs as he watches Kuroo head over to Oikawa's closed door. Rapping his knuckles against the surface, he calls 'it's Iwaizumi' and opens the door after a muffled response, gesturing with his head while looking at Iwaizumi. "Seriously, Iwaizumi. Be nice. I finally got him to shower yesterday."

"Don't say _that_ , Tetsu-chan!"

Iwaizumi tears his eyes away from the fresh produce on the counter and washed plates, offering a small smirk. "Yeah, yeah, I know. And thanks for taking care of him. Sorry I wasn't around—"

"It's cool," Kuroo says and smiles with a shrug. "You have a boyfriend. Can't expect you to hang around the guy you're in love with when Semi exists."

Kuroo doesn't mean it with malice, but it leaves Iwaizumi feeling guilty. He shouldn't; that's the right thing to do, but Iwaizumi hates leaving Oikawa alone. Maybe he could've kept him from spiraling this much, he thinks, maybe if he'd been there, it would've been better.

Oikawa's not his responsibility, he realizes, but he can't help it. He wants Oikawa to be happy, even when he should be prioritizing someone else's happiness instead.

Ignoring the twinge of guilt, he heads over and closes the door behind him, mustering a tired half-smile. "Hey there."

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa says and sits up with a little smile. Iwaizumi's eyes linger on his bedding, sees how rumpled the sheets are and how pillows and his stuffed alien plushes are strewn about. "How are you?"

"Better than you," Iwaizumi says. He takes one look at Oikawa and sighs. "…What's this about?"

"What's what about?" he parrots innocently.

"Don't pretend. You've been drinking. I can tell because there are actually bags under your eyes. And if you're drinking, that means you're barely eating or sleeping, which means you're upset about something. That's how it's always been with you. Tell me what it is."

Oikawa blinks. They stare at each other and Oikawa's the one who breaks the gaze, laughing quietly. As Oikawa brings his hands up to his face, Iwaizumi watches his fingers touch along the skin under his eyes, giving a halfhearted whine. But then his hands fall away in favor of hugging his knees to his chest and he looks away. "…I'm okay now. Tetsu-chan's been taking care of me. I don't really want to talk about it."

Iwaizumi sighs. He glances over to see Oikawa's desk chair pushed in neatly and grabs it by the back, rolling it over and taking a seat. Eyes downcast, he tries to narrow down what it could be that has Oikawa this upset when Iwaizumi finds himself saying:

"Sorry for not being there."

Oikawa looks over with a start and it takes Iwaizumi a moment to realize he'd said something. "What? No, Iwa-chan," he says and reaches forward to take his hand. "It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself—"

"I'm your best friend," Iwaizumi says. Oikawa's hand against his is impossibly hot, ridiculously electric. Iwaizumi's never understood how the contact from Oikawa's hand can be so different from everyone else's, even Semi's; he's accepted it as some unfortunate part of life. "I grew up with you, I… Oikawa, I _know_ how you get when you're upset and I should've been there to stop it or at least talk to you. Instead, I was…" he breaks off and shakes his head. "I'm sorry."

Shaking his head again, Oikawa tries to reassure him that it's not his fault, but Iwaizumi can't focus on anything besides Oikawa's hand on his. He breaks off suddenly, probably because of Iwaizumi's staring, and pulls his hand back, clearing his throat. "Iwa—"

He shakes his head and looks up. Even when Oikawa isn't at his best, Iwaizumi thinks he looks stunning. He always thinks Oikawa looks good, unfortunately, but there's something about the vulnerability that entrances him completely. "Oikawa, whatever's upset you is bad enough that Semi told me to talk to you. _Semi_. I don't know when he saw you, but… I worry about you," he says and sees Oikawa flinch and look away again. "I really do. So, please, just tell me—"

"…"

Iwaizumi sighs.

"Oikawa—"

"Iwa-chan, why are you friends with me?"

The question catches Iwaizumi off guard. When Oikawa looks at him, Iwaizumi's entire body feels warm; Oikawa's got a particularly way of looking at people when he's focusing on them and Iwaizumi's never quite been able to keep from being flustered. Clearing his throat, he looks away under the intensity of his gaze. "…You ask this twenty four years later? Seriously—"

"Please?" Oikawa interrupts quietly.

Closing his eyes, Iwaizumi clears his throat and rubs his nose, shifts in the chair. He's still in love with Oikawa. He might, somehow, be even more in love with Oikawa because he's just that sort of a masochist. All he knows is that he feels everything for this boy and this boy doesn't want him to feel any of it and the question he asked, the question he desperately wants an honest answer to, is something Iwaizumi can't untangle from his feelings.

He sighs.

"…Well, I mean, I didn't _choose_ to be your friend," he mumbles halfheartedly and sees Oikawa frown. "Our moms set it up. Every single childhood memory I have is with you. I mean, even the first one is with you. There are all these albums and videos of us from when we were babies and we're always together. You know the one where I'm sitting up so then you try to do the same but you fall over and take me down with you? Accurate depiction of our entire lives."

He tries to smile but Oikawa just looks away and pulls at the blanket. Iwaizumi frowns and clears his throat again, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"…All right, so it seems like we were conditioned to be friends. But… that's not how friendships really work. At least not ours. What we have… our friendship," he clarifies quickly, "isn't something that can be forced. Just because we were each other's first friends didn't mean we had to stay friends, but we did. Elementary, middle, junior high, high school… even college, when we went to different schools, we were friends."

He trails off, unsure how to untangle the words rising in his throat as a lump. But Oikawa seems to take his silence the exact opposite way. "…You didn't answer me," Oikawa mumbles.

"I'm getting to it."

"Then hurry up."

And the only reason Iwaizumi doesn't snap back is because he sees the little way Oikawa briefly smiles.

Sighing, he leans back in the chair and crosses his arms. "Why'd I stay friends with you? Honestly, I don't know. You're a pain in the ass, you're dramatic, you're impatient. You steal my food when I'm in the middle of eating it and try to look at my cards when you don't think I'm paying attention. You always borrow my clothes without asking and leave the cap off of the milk."

He looks up to see Oikawa biting down on his lip and finds himself focusing on that for a moment too long, tearing his eyes away to see how his brow is furrowed. His knuckles have turned white from grasping the sheets tightly, a small tremble in his arms. Iwaizumi sighs and leans forward on his elbows with a little, tired smile.

"But… to be fair, you order more for me because you somehow know if I'm still hungry. The cheating I don't mind because you suck at cards so you could use the advantage. You're the one who helped me choose what to wear for dates and if you accidentally finish the milk, you run out and get more for me within ten minutes."

Iwaizumi smiles without realizing it and he focuses his eyes on a particular spot on Oikawa's blankets.

"…You're stupidly whiny over stuff like there being way more pepper than salt at the table we're at, but I've never seen you be anything short of pleasant and flirty, sometimes too much, with waiters or waitresses, even when you're upset. You can be annoyingly careless with your own stuff, but when you borrow mine, whether or not I know, you always return it as it was, if not better. You can be really self-centered and annoying, but you're also… the most giving and loyal person I know. When you mess up, no matter how long it takes you to realize it, you do everything you can to fix it. You're patient and help out even your competition if they ask you."

When he looks up, he catches Oikawa's gaze and flushes immediately, unsure of how long he'd been watching him. Oikawa laughs a soft apology when Iwaizumi snaps, "And then you go do embarrassing shit like that!"

Straightening, he rubs his nose again. "…That's why you're my best friend. Because I know I can count on you for anything and I can trust you. And after everything, Oikawa, I'm really, really glad we're friends. Even if I were to list all the times you've pissed me off, I'm glad you're in my life."

When he looks up, Oikawa's looking at a different part of the sheets, so Iwaizumi focuses on how his eyes are red but he's smiling a little. His nose wrinkles just before he sniffs and laughs, using a crooked finger to wipe at the corner of his eye. "…So you don't regret meeting me?" he asks softly, biting his lip after a moment. "After everything I've done—"

"Wait, that's what this is about?"

Oikawa doesn't say anything, so Iwaizumi leans forward, feet flat on the ground. "…You're still guilty about all that?"

"Iwa-chan, I was so mean to you—"

"Yeah, but you're _you_."

"…"

"Fuck, don't cry-!"

Nearly falling out of his chair to get tissues, Iwaizumi catches Oikawa burying his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. He swears; tossing the box aside, he reaches forward without thinking twice and coaxes Oikawa towards him. All he's wearing is a t-shirt so he can feel tears wetting his shoulder, but he doesn't care. Iwaizumi closes his eyes with a sigh; he's never liked Oikawa crying, not even when they were kids. He cries easily; he always has and Iwaizumi's tried, every single time, to bend over backwards to make him stop.

Wrapping his arms around him, he rests his cheek to his head and opens his eyes. "Oikawa. Honestly, you're harder on yourself than anyone else. You always have been. I've forgiven you for all that, okay? Yeah, it hurt, but I know you weren't intentionally doing that, it's just… it's who you are. It's how you avoid being hurt and you just keep ignoring it until it becomes too much. I'm never going to leave. I care about you too much. You're my best friend, snot and tears and all."

He laughs when he feels Oikawa hit him lightly in response to the last comment. The trembling subsides but Iwaizumi makes no move to pull back. Oikawa's warm; his weight's comforting and holding him like this leaves Iwaizumi's heart impossibly relaxed yet the beating indescribably erratic. "…Okay?" he asks when Oikawa starts pulling back. He keeps his head bowed so Iwaizumi understands to get a napkin, bringing his arms back. "…You going to stop crying now?"

"Iwa-chan makes the grossest, sappiest speeches…"

"Yeah, well, you got snot and tears all over my shirt."

When Oikawa gives a little lopsided smile, the way Iwaizumi's heart lurches is almost nauseating. Oikawa's fingers had brushed against his when he took the tissue, leaving his skin feeling like it's on fire and his water hardly helps.

It's amazing, he thinks, how utterly and hopelessly and entirely he's in love with this person.

"Iwa-chan, how are you and Semi?"

Flinching, Iwaizumi blinks. The question catches him off guard; he'd been expecting to leave, either by his own volition or Oikawa's subtle request, soon. The lengthy silence had seemed to lead to that until Oikawa spoke, catching Iwaizumi, as always, off guard. "…Why are you so concerned with us?" he asks with a small frown. "I mean… thanks, I think, but…"

Oikawa waves his hand a little too nonchalantly, smiles much too robotically. He seems a little more cheerful than before but there's still a lingering tinge of something upsetting him, but Iwaizumi knows better than to press it. "I believe in romance, remember? I just want Iwa-chan to be happy! I mean, maybe I'll just die alone—"

"No you won't."

Oikawa's mouth is still open, which makes it easy for him to utter 'huh?'

Iwaizumi scratches his head and looks away, a bit abashed at being so blunt and sudden. "I know the type of person you are, Oikawa. When you fall for someone, you fall hard and fast and you do everything you can to make them happy. Whoever you fall for will be lucky. Nobody can resist you."

Oikawa tilts his head. "…You think?"

Iwaizumi smiles and nods. "Yeah, I know."

He doesn't know why Oikawa's lingering. Between the two of them, Oikawa has, hands down, had more experience in terms of dating. There are things that Oikawa's insecure about, things that only Iwaizumi knows and things even Iwaizumi doesn't know, but _dating_ has never been one of them. Iwaizumi's eyes narrow when Oikawa finally looks away. "…Oikawa, what's—"

"Say, Iwa-chan, are you in love with Semi-chan?"

The question throws him off in a way he can't find the words to describe properly. Iwaizumi knows his answer; it's a solid, definite 'no' and he doesn't know if Oikawa knows he's still in love with him. Mouth growing dry, he swallows and doesn't know how to answer that, no, he's not, because he loves Oikawa. "Why… I mean…"

"Iwa-chan, I've never been in a relationship with someone I'm in love with," Oikawa says simply and shrugs. He looks over and Iwaizumi doesn't like his guise of a smile but his stomach feel too nauseous to try and press for the truth. "I just… I guess I'm curious."

"What…" Iwaizumi clears his throat. "…Why don't you ask Kuroo and Kenma? They're…"

"They're not you," Oikawa answers and tilts his head. "Come on, Iwa-chan. Is it that weird to want my best friend to gush about his relationship to me?"

_Yeah, it's really fucking weird in our situation._

"…I'm not in love with him," Iwaizumi mumbles and looks up. "…If that's all you wanted to know."

"…Oh."

Oikawa's eyes widen. And then he repeats 'oh' in a softer voice, looking away and Iwaizumi can't tell if he's biting his lip from guilt or to keep from smiling; he's seen him do both. Palming the back of his neck, Iwaizumi looks away when they fall into a silence again.

His heart feels heavy. The air feels heavy. The silence feels heavy. Everything, around Oikawa, feels heavy. Iwaizumi has taken physics; he knows that for every two bodies, there's a gravitational pull. But, he swears, there's something else between Oikawa and him. It's not just that attraction; there's something that weighs on him so badly. Oikawa both makes him feel like he can't breathe and is the only reason he can at once; Iwaizumi wonders if it's possible to get so used to being suffocatingly in love that he doesn't even realize it anymore.

"Does Semi-chan make you happy?" Oikawa asks quietly and breaks the silence.

Iwaizumi frowns and he looks away.

"…There's someone who makes me happier."

Oikawa hums; if he didn't know if Iwaizumi still loved him, he figures that reply answers it for him. Pressing his lips into a thin line, he begins folding the edge of his blanket, releases and watches it straighten before repeating the process. "…Iwa-chan, are you two okay? Don't lie."

Iwaizumi bites the corner of his lip and runs a hand through his hair with his next sigh. He'd almost forgotten that if he had an issue with his relationship, Oikawa would be the one he'd talk to. It's what he's always done; obviously this one came with a few more sensitive topics, but, in the end, his best friend is the person Iwaizumi would want to talk to about something like this.

Maybe if he tries hard enough, he can make it normal.

"…No, I think we might just be about over," he says finally. When he voices the last syllable, it takes Iwaizumi a moment to realize he's not breathing and he tries to do so without it coming out as a gasp and alerting Oikawa. It's the first time he's said it out loud. It's the first time he's actually cemented the feeling into a thought and he feels something in him ache. But when he looks up and sees the way Oikawa frowns, his heart feels like it might just break.

Iwaizumi realizes that those reactions should be switched.

"Are you going to fight for him?" Oikawa asks softly.

"…No, I don't think so."

"You should."

Iwaizumi blinks and stares at him. His mouth grows dry and he has to open it again after licking his lips. "You don't even like us being together."

"But I like Iwa-chan being happy," Oikawa counters. He smiles in a way that turns Iwaizumi's knees into jelly and almost rids him of his entire backbone. "And that's what's most important to me, okay?"

Iwaizumi has to leave after that. Oikawa seems surprised that he stands suddenly; he asks if he can stop by later with some food and Iwaizumi just nods numbly. He can't stay in the room anymore; he needs to talk to Semi because the way Oikawa's smiling at him is ripping his heart apart at the very seams Oikawa is so desperately trying to hold together as his apology. The guilt is overwhelming and Iwaizumi's not sure what he's going to do. But when Oikawa is smiling like that and when Iwaizumi is this in love with him, he needs to get out of there.

Standing, he hurries out and ignores Kuroo's call of 'is everything all right?' The door slams shut and Kuroo stands, saunters into Oikawa's room.

Folding his arms across his chest, he leans against the wall and stares at Oikawa until he sighs. "…How much did you hear?"

"Everything," Kuroo answers lightly. "…You're a real special type of masochist, you know that?"

Oikawa laughs quietly and lies down.

"…Yeah, but it's okay. As long as Iwa-chan's happy."

* * *

Iwaizumi's not good at breaking up with people. In fact, he didn't even do the breaking up of his first break up. Oikawa had. Iwaizumi had asked him to be there just in case he needed help but after forty minutes of stuttering (and actually seeming to be doing the opposite), Oikawa popped out from behind the teacher's desk and calmly broke up for him.

He'd done a good job. She wasn't upset or anything.

"…I think we should break up."

Semi doesn't look surprised.

He's lucky Semi's free; Iwaizumi doesn't know if he would've been able to wait to have this conversation. After leaving Oikawa's, he'd texted Semi and asked if he was available to come over, that he had to talk to him about something. Kindaichi was out; he mentioned studying with a friend and all Iwaizumi could hope was that he didn't walk back in the middle of their discussion. He'd offered him a seat on the couch but Semi had declined, so Iwaizumi stays standing across from him.

Semi nods. "Yeah, well, that's an understatement."

Clearing his throat, Iwaizumi echoes the motion. "It's not you—fuck, I mean, it really isn't, I just…"

Semi doesn't say anything, leaving Iwaizumi with added pressure as he brings his hands up to his face. Exhaling quietly, one hand drops as the other runs through his hair. "…Semi, I really do like you. But right now, I just… I can't be seeing someone. That's it."

Semi stares at him expectantly and Iwaizumi realizes this is becoming a pattern, just like his cluelessness. Except this time he sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as he mumbles a swear. He's used to this by now.

"All right, what is it? Semi—"

"Iwaizumi," Semi cuts him off, "you of all people know what it's like to be in love with someone and strung along and I really expected _you_ to not do that to someone else."

Iwaizumi freezes, looking up slowly afterwards, perplexed at the accusation. It feels like his breath's been knocked out of him and he realizes he's gaping a few seconds too late. "…Semi, I know I have feelings for Oikawa, but I'm not lying when I said I also have feelings for you."

"Are you joking, Iwaizumi?" Semi snaps and Iwaizumi blinks. "This isn't the main reason I'm upset. Yeah, it hurts, but if it were just that, I could handle it. Look, I care about you. That's what it comes down to; if I didn't, I'd have dumped you a while ago. But I can't let you keep lying to yourself—"

"About what?" he asks and frowns. "Semi—"

"That this relationship is your way of moving on without actually having to move on. This is your excuse. You're using me and this relationship to show everyone that you're moving on from your feelings for Oikawa, but you aren't. Not at all."

Iwaizumi feels the color draining from his face as he clears his throat and takes a step back without thinking about it. Semi is a calm person; he can be blunt, but Iwaizumi hadn't expected an outburst. He realizes only now just how annoyed Semi must have been. Iwaizumi wants to deny it, but the welling guilt in his chest makes it impossible because after everything, lying isn't something he's going to do and add onto what appears to be a mountain of wrongs.

"Semi," he starts after a pause, "I do like you. You have to believe—"

"And it's crap because he doesn't even deserve you," Semi continues. "You're a good guy. I'm fucking pissed off right now, but you're still a good guy, Iwaizumi. And Oikawa's been such a—"

"He apologized."

Iwaizumi realizes he's in the wrong right now and shouldn't be trying to be on the offensive, but hearing Semi on the verge of insulting Oikawa has him instantly turning abrasive. He straightens and meets his gaze, mumbles an apology for interrupting but only that. "What, you think I was just immediately fine with everything he's done? Of course not. But I know him. And I know that from an outsider's perspective, what he did might seem irredeemable, but it's not as simple—"

"He started hooking up with one of your closest friends while knowing how _you_ felt and how that friend and the guy he's now dating felt, evaded addressing your confession directly for months, continued to act like nothing was wrong and nothing had changed, doesn't want to be with you but also didn't want to let you be with anyone else—"

"Okay, I never said Oikawa was good at dealing with shit," Iwaizumi mumbles after a moment. "But… it's different. Did you know his brother left home right when he turned twenty because of a fight with their parents? They were close. _Really_ close. Oikawa was eleven at the time and that changes the way you see people and trust them. He never thought his brother would leave, but then one day he did. And before that, he had another friend who he was close with. We used to play together, but I was never as close. But one day he left too; he found a new friend group and they didn't like Oikawa, so they told him if he wanted to play with them, he had to just stop talking to Oikawa. And then high school. People aren't always constant with Oikawa. They get jealous and leave or, like a few weeks ago, try to beat him up because their girlfriends leave them for him. And Kageyama; he felt so inferior to him, it's…"

Iwaizumi breaks off and takes a deep breath as he pinches the bridge of his nose.

"…Oikawa is more fragile than anyone I know," he says in a low voice. "None of that excuses what he did, but it does explain _why_. He's scared of people leaving. He's scared of trusting people. He's scared of being second best no matter how hard he works. He's not good at dealing with it, but… he's not this selfish, cowardly bastard. So _don't_ call him that."

And when he looks up, he finds himself unnerved at the way Semi's staring at him. The glare has lessened, though there's this exasperated expression Iwaizumi can't quite make out the reasoning behind until Semi himself seems to figure it out, seems to be on the verge of laughing as he breathes:

"…He's the love of your life."

Somehow, hearing someone else say it solidifies it. On some level, Iwaizumi has known that; Oikawa is _the one_ for him, that one love only some people are lucky enough to experience, the one whom they never really get over. Oikawa is that one person for him, but when Semi says it, he feels like he's been sucker punched.

Admitting something, realizing something, and knowing something are three very different things.

"…Yeah," he says quietly. "He is."

"That's why you can't get over him," he continues breathlessly, raising a hand to cover half his face. "Oh, god… that was so obvious. No wonder you're stuck on… even now, you're still… Jesus _Christ_ how did I miss that? I thought it was just some form of puppy love or something, but this entire time…"

"I started dating you because I like you," Iwaizumi interjects. "Okay? Don't think otherwise because I _do_ have feelings for you. They're—"

"Just not enough, I know. Look, Iwaizumi, honestly, you should've realized this and not even bothered," Semi snaps. "I mean, you knew from the beginning this relationship was doomed, right? Really didn't think you were the type to use someone—"

"Being in love with Oikawa doesn't mean I can't have a successful relationship with someone else—"

"When you love Oikawa as much as you do, yes it does. I was always going to be second to him and you knew that, right?"

Iwaizumi flinches, feeling guilty because he immediately thinks of the dates he's left in the middle of, the plans he's cancelled, the lack of attention. "I'm sorry," he says genuinely after a pause. "Really, I am. I know I was unfair to you, but-"

"Don't," Semi says sharply and Iwaizumi falters. "I…"

Semi groans. Iwaizumi frowns uncomfortably and looks away just after catching a glimpse of Semi bringing his hands up, heels of his palms pressing to his eyes. "You're fucking _impossible_ , Iwaizumi. You're such a good guy, but it's like it's all wasted on Oikawa, who's got you wrapped around his little finger. He throws a tantrum and you drop everything for him; he honestly acts like an overgrown brat most of the—"

"Stop," Iwaizumi manages tiredly, fists clenching in his pockets as his arms start trembling. He can't help it; he's so defensive of Oikawa that even now, when he feels guilty about breaking up with him, he still gets upset at Oikawa being insulted. And Semi has a right to be angry, but Iwaizumi doesn't care, doesn't want him insulting Oikawa anyway.

Iwaizumi has a sinking feeling that Oikawa could do something utterly despicable and he'd _still_ jump to his defense without thinking twice about it. Because no matter what he's done, how badly he's messed up, Iwaizumi will always, _always_ believe in that Oikawa is a good person and never beyond redemption. It might be naïve, foolish thinking, but Oikawa has never given Iwaizumi a reason to doubt that. He's not a bad person and Iwaizumi believes that; the trust between them extends both ways and runs deeper than any other bond Iwaizumi thinks he can ever form.

He'll always, always, always believe in Oikawa and that, in the end, he has good intentions.

"…I get you're upset, otherwise I might've hit you, to be honest," Iwaizumi says in a low voice, looking up with a glare through half lidded eyes. "…But even if everything you said is true, he's my _best friend_ , Semi. I know you're pissed, so say shit about me. Not Oikawa. He's _not_ the reason this relationship can't work, okay?"

Semi stares at him. "You're kidding, right?"

"I know he's not the easiest person to get along with, but there's a reason we're friends. He's important to me—"

"This isn't _just_ you two being friends, this is you being in love with him and possibly any future chance of you being happy just for _him_ —"

"Then that's my choice." Iwaizumi's voice rises but he manages to calm himself, shuddering with a sigh meant to help him relax. "…Yeah, okay, I'm in love with him. Maybe forever. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't have been happy with you—"

"But you would've been _happier_ with him—"

"That might've changed in the future—"

"I'm really fucking sick of the word _might_ , Iwai—"

"I can't turn off what I feel for Oikawa—"

"Yeah, well, I couldn't turn off falling in love with you!"

Semi's outburst silences both of them. Iwaizumi is stunned, stares at Semi as Semi closes his eyes, head falling back. He seems to be counting to ten (Iwaizumi knows it's to ten because that's what he also would count to) before looking back at him. When he opens his eyes, Iwaizumi feels guilty at how exhausted he looks but, mostly, because he knows that expression. He's mastered that expression, that mix of exhaustion and exasperation but also misery.

"…I'm falling in love with you," Semi mumbles and shrugs halfheartedly. "I didn't actually mean to. When we started dating, it was just a little crush because I thought you were cool. But… like I said, you're a great guy. You're kind and you're honest. You're loyal, even to scum—sorry," he clears his throat. "…To _someone_ like Oikawa. I get he's your best friend. It's just… really hard to see the person you're falling for continuously being strung along and hurt over and over again. I don't want you to lie to yourself and I don't want you to keep being hurt by him."

He stops. Iwaizumi still can't bring himself to say anything; he clears his throat, but still can't summon nearly enough words for a coherent sentence. He fidgets and stares at his foot like it's not his own; everything feels surreal as he thinks back to the past few months, he remembers how it had gone from essentially silence between him and Oikawa to silence between him and Semi. He'd been impossibly patient with him; this conversation should've taken place much sooner and while everyone had been ragging on Oikawa about his tunnel vision and selfish tendencies, Iwaizumi realizes, with a heavy heart, that he's been doing the same thing.

He likes Semi; there's no question about that. He likes him, but if he were to compare that and what he feels for Oikawa…

There's no question about it, not even if he could see a future with Semi. Because, since he was sixteen, there's only been one person Iwaizumi envisioned a future with. He wants to move on from Oikawa but a surface level desire and the one his subconscious wants are two entirely different things.

"…I know he's your best friend, but… with how you feel, anyone would think that everything you do is out of love, not friendship," Semi continues. "And he doesn't even have to _ask_. You just drop everything for him. I was the person you were dating. You've stood me up. In the middle of a date, actually. You're always on your phone texting him when with me. You're—"

"Semi," Iwaizumi says quietly, voice pained and one hand goes to rub the inside corner of his eye. "just… stop. I know I was being unbelievable but Oikawa… without him—"

"Without him, you had a shot at moving on," Semi says quietly, but it feels like he's driving ice straight into Iwaizumi's gut. "What you did was basically shoot yourself in the leg and then handcuff yourself to him. Iwaizumi, you know what it feels like, right?"

Semi stares at him.

"To be strung along by the person you're in love with with the promise of a maybe."

Iwaizumi's speechless. He clears his throat and looks away; when he does speak, his voice is strained and it's almost painful to talk. Swallowing doesn't help either; Iwaizumi feels lightheaded at the accusation, but doesn't deny it.

Iwaizumi doesn't try to misplace blame.

"Semi," he starts, "don't—"

"Make you choose?" Semi snaps. "Don't worry. I won't."

He grabs his coat.

"You've already made your choice."

Semi walks out and the door slams shut so hard after him that Iwaizumi hears a glass topple over in the dish rack. He flinches and freezes in the living room; a moment passes before he raises his hands to his face, groaning.

"…Fucking damnit."

Maybe he'd never intended to get over Oikawa. Maybe he'd thought he could learn to live with it; in the back of his mind, it seemed like something that was possible. After all, he'd been living with being so ridiculously in love with Oikawa for so long that the rest of his life seemed fine, especially if he was still able to be by his side.

But Iwaizumi hadn't considered what it would be like for the other person. How even if Iwaizumi could be fine with loving two people, one requited and one not, it was vastly unfair to the other. Just because he had feelings for Semi didn't ameliorate the fact he was head over heels for somebody else; it would be awful, he thought, to be in love with someone and know there was always someone the other would put in front of them. Iwaizumi couldn't even tell himself that there could come a day where he'd put Oikawa second. It didn't work like that. Not for him; not when it was Oikawa.

It's terrible.

It's awful.

It's selfish.

It's hurtful.

But it's the truth, and that's what Semi realized.

Standing in the middle of the apartment, Iwaizumi pinches the bridge of his nose as he exhales slowly. He tries counting to ten but gets impatient and stop at three. Swearing, Iwaizumi goes to grab his keys; he can't let things end like this between them, he thinks. He doesn't like letting fights stay unresolved; they'd broken up but it felt unfinished and he didn't like leaving bad blood.

He cares for Semi; Iwaizumi's capable of caring romantically for more than one person at a time. And Semi is not Oikawa, but Semi is Semi. He's someone who Iwaizumi has come to care a lot for. Even if they've broken up, he doesn't want to leave things like this. Maybe if things were different, they could have worked out; the thought makes something inside him ache in the most awful way, but there's no point in lingering on a hypothetical scenario in a universe that is likely not to exist.

He's halfway to the table where his keys are when he hears voices outside. They're a little muffled, but his door and walls have never been that thick. Iwaizumi freezes as he hears the exchange, feels prickling on his skin and his breathing grows shallow.

"Semi-chan?"

_Oikawa?_

_Shit._

Turning sharply on his heel, Iwaizumi lunges towards the door. He yanks it open and stumbles outside. The heel of his palm slams against the opposite wall to stop himself from crashing into it and he turns to see Oikawa and Semi standing there. Semi's shoulders are slightly rounded and Oikawa is holding takeout; Iwaizumi's stomach drops because he'd _entirely_ forgotten that Oikawa said he'd be stopping by with food for him.

"Shit, Oikaw—" but they're too far and he knows it. He starts heading towards them, voices growing clearer.

"Semi-chan, what's wrong?" he hears Oikawa ask, his voice slightly frantic. "Semi—"

"Oikawa, _piss off_ —"

"Semi-chan, not until you tell me what's the matter. Is Iwa-chan all right? Did you get in a—"

And then Iwaizumi watches Semi swing his fist and deck Oikawa squarely in the face.

He nearly trips over his own feet but manages to keep going, reaches a hand out to grab Semi by his arm and jerk him back. Semi stumbles and catches himself against the wall, looking over, seems just as surprised, if not more so, than Iwaizumi is.

"Semi, what the _fuck_?!"

Oikawa has stumbled to the ground, falling after his shoulder hit the wall. One hand is up to his face but Iwaizumi can still see blood from the cracks between his fingers, his other hand on the ground. He groans quietly and winces, bowing his head as Iwaizumi drops to his knees next to him. "Goddamnit—Oikawa, are you all right? Semi-!"

But he's gone; Iwaizumi turns in time to see him disappear around a corner. Iwaizumi is shaking; he's never been good at breakups, but none of his exes have ever _punched_ his best friend.

"Iwa-chan…"

Oikawa's voice is slightly strained and muffled, most likely from the injury and his hand. Swearing, Iwaizumi turns back to him. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of tissues, letting it fall after taking one out with shaking hands. "Let me see, Oikawa…"

He apologizes whenever Oikawa grimaces; his nose isn't broken, Iwaizumi can tell, and he's relieved about that. But it does look painful and, despite his personality, Oikawa actually isn't used to being punched in the face. He sighs. "Let's go in. I'll get you some ice. Kindaichi makes a huge deal about keeping the damn tray refilled…"

"Iwa-chan," he hears and Oikawa's refusing to stand, so he looks over. He has an arm around his shoulders and Oikawa's grasping at the hem of his shirt, looking concerned, brown eyes peering at him desperately. "What happened?"

_We broke up after arguing about you._

"Nothing," Iwaizumi says after a moment and helps him up. "Just… you know, a fight."

"Same one as earlier?" he asks as he slowly stands.

"Yeah," he mumbles as they make their way back towards the apartment. "But… it might be over. I don't think this is something we can get past."

"But Iwa-chan, you care about him, right?"

He nods. Oikawa doesn't say anything for a while; he waits until he's on the couch and Iwaizumi's brought him some ice. He shakes his head at the offered water and watches Iwaizumi take a seat next to him, rubbing his face tiredly.

"Iwa-chan, you're the type of guy who anyone with a brain would do anything to keep," Oikawa says firmly and Iwaizumi manages to give him a tired smile. "And Semi-chan has a brain. Don't give up, okay?"

He smiles and by now Iwaizumi is used to it, but it breaks his heart to see Oikawa smiling that way about something that Iwaizumi just can't do anymore.

"If he makes you happy, he's worth fighting for."

* * *

_"…He punched him? Why?"_

_"I broke up with him."_

_"…Oh."_

_Kuroo stares at him._

"… _He knows he should've punched you, right?"_

_"Kuro. No more talking for today."_

Eyes dropping to the mug of tea in his hands, he sighs and closes his eyes, swearing quietly under his breath again. Oikawa is at home resting; Iwaizumi brought him back and stayed to eat with him before leaving, Kuroo following him out. Iwaizumi hadn't asked him to, but Kuroo explained that when Iwaizumi looks as upset as Oikawa did a few days ago, he need to make sure he's all right.

_"What, are you guys our parents now?"_

_"Yeah, basically."_

He pulls his hands back and opts to look out the window of the café they eventually decided on after almost half an hour of wandering around. Kuroo's stirring his coffee, one container of creamer so Iwaizumi can already tell he's in a chatty mood. Neither of them had said much back at the apartment; Iwaizumi succinctly explained what had happened after dropping off Oikawa. Kuroo and Kenma were still there; at first Iwaizumi thought it was because they were being good friends but realized they were probably just eating Oikawa's food.

(Then, Iwaizumi had to wonder, did he even have any food left?)

"So you two are over, huh?" Kuroo asks finally. "…What did Oikawa say?"

"Nothing," Iwaizumi answers. "Because I didn't tell him."

"Oh. So then—"

"And I'm not going to."

"...That's the exact opposite problem I had, but I doubt the end result will be any better."

Giving a weak smirk, Iwaizumi shrugs weakly. "Oikawa was really invested in making this relationship work, so… I don't want to tell him yet."

Kuroo stares at him.

"Iwaizumi, you do know that you breaking up with Semi doesn't mean you _failed_ Oikawa or anything, right?"

Iwaizumi really doesn't like how Kuroo hits the nail on the head.

Oikawa and Kuroo are both perceptive people, in different ways. Oikawa's the one who reads people, so an observation like that would be expected from him. But Kuroo's perception is more towards finding out what makes them annoyed; Iwaizumi also wasn't sure if he and Kuroo were close enough for him to pick up things like that but, it seems, he is.

Iwaizumi didn't think he'd be annoyed at realizing how close he and Kuroo are as friends.

"Besides," Kuroo continues, "the reason Oikawa was so invested is because he wants you to be happy—"

"Yeah, because he wants me to get over him," Iwaizumi cuts in. "…I don't know. I tried. But I can't… I can't get _over_ Oikawa, you know?"

Kuroo smiles gently. "Yeah, I know."

Iwaizumi narrows his eyes.

Kuroo stares back before his eyes widen, immediately shaking his head and clearing his throat. "No, not _Oikawa_ —Christ. I just mean that I know what it's like to not be able to get over someone, even when you're with someone else."

Kuroo offers Iwaizumi another smile that makes his heart ache because he'd almost forgotten that Kuroo does know how this feels. His eyes drop and one shoulder rises and falls in a halfhearted shrug.

"You try to give that person everything you have, but it's never a hundred percent. You really want to make them happy and you do everything you can but, whether or not you realize it, it's not enough. And then they realize and at some point, they've had enough and call you out on it. It sucks, doesn't it?"

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything. Kuroo's right, of course. Kuroo's entirely right because he's been in this situation, but the difference, Iwaizumi realizes, is that Kuroo had been genuinely earnest in his relationship with Mieko.

He bites his lip.

"…Not… particularly."

Kuroo blinks. "…Huh?"

Moving suddenly to bring his arms back to the table, Iwaizumi hears ceramic clattering and assumes nothing spills only because Kuroo is quick to steady everything. Elbows on the table, Iwaizumi's hands run through his hair as he bows his head. "I… fuck, I know what you mean, but, honestly…"

He sighs and shrugs.

"…Semi was right to be pissed. You and Mieko… you did absolutely everything to try and make her happy. But I… I mean, I wanted to. I really, really wanted to be that person who would try for Semi, but, honestly… I don't think I tried that much. Definitely not as much as I should have," he says in a low voice, unable to bring himself to look at Kuroo.

He wouldn't be surprised if Kuroo wanted to hit him upon hearing that (it could also be retribution for when he'd punched him for sleeping with Oikawa.) Kuroo's one of the few people who knows how it feels to be in that situation; he knows how hard it is, but he also knows it's possible to do what seems impossible because he _did_ do that. Iwaizumi took the cowardly, cheap way out and, to someone as honest and genuine as Kuroo, that would probably seem despicable.

"I know that I can't get over Oikawa. But when we started dating… I think I let him think that I could, but all this time, I just… I knew I couldn't. But I didn't even _try_. And Semi was right; he was pissed about that and I don't get why he didn't dump me—"

"…Because, Iwaizumi, I think he really cared for you."

Iwaizumi freezes for a moment. He looks up to see Kuroo still smiling at him; his brow furrows, entirely perplexed at Kuroo Tetsurou and his, annoyingly unpredictable reactions. After all, they're two people who were in similar positions and Kuroo is someone who doesn't like liars, someone who also isn't afraid to call out a friend. But he doesn't seem mad at all; if anything, he seems amused as he sips his coffee.

"I think he wanted to make sure you figured that out for yourself. It's one thing to tell someone but if they realize it themselves, it hits a lot harder. Semi might be pissed off about everything, and I would be too, but he cared about you enough to want you to honest with yourself." Kuroo shrugs. "He's a good guy."

Biting the inside of his cheek, Iwaizumi nods, mumbling a quiet 'thanks' that Kuroo nonchalantly waves off. He exhales again and shakes his head. "…Yeah. Just wish he'd punched me instead of Oikawa."

Kuroo smirks. "Probably should've."

"Thanks."

Kuroo laughs and leans back in his seat, sighing and looking out the window. "After all this time, huh? You know, for a while there I was wondering if you actually were getting over him. You seemed pretty serious about Semi for a bit."

"I tried, but… yeah. Oikawa's the one. You of all people know."

Kuroo laughs softly. "…Yeah, I do."

They spend the rest of the day at Oikawa's. Oikawa playfully whines about his face but whenever Iwaizumi seems genuinely concerned, he's quick to wave it off. When Oikawa asks about Semi, Iwaizumi hesitates but tells him they're fine. He stares at him for a bit and when Iwaizumi catches Kuroo's eye, he jumps in to reaffirm that everything's fine and Iwaizumi thanks him with a tired smile.

A few days pass before he gets the text. Iwaizumi is spending a lunch break with Kenma and he, perceptive as ever, asks if it's from Semi. Iwaizumi nods.

"You should probably answer."

"…"

"And to do that, you'll need to take your phone back out."

He laughs, mumbles that no wonder Kuroo's so much more on top of things now, but does as Kenma suggests.

**From: Semi Eita**

_coffee later today?_

He pauses but sighs in a way that moves his entire body.

**To: Semi Eita**

_all right._

Putting his phone back in his pocket, Iwaizumi doesn't need to look over to know Kenma is staring at him. "…Oikawa still doesn't know?"

He shakes his head.

"…Are you going to tell him?"

"…Well, yeah—"

"I know this is the exact opposite of Kuroo's engagement," Kenma says in a rare interruption, "but, really, the sooner the better, okay? Oikawa would want to know."

Iwaizumi nods. "I just… I really want him to be happy."

Kenma's quiet for a long, long time until:

"…Right. Hearing about this would definitely not make him happy."

Iwaizumi really can't tell if he's being blunt or sarcastic. Fiddling with his phone, he smiles, resigned. "…I'll tell him eventually. I just… I don't know how. And with how he's been…"

His eyes drop.

"…It's my fault, isn't it? Because otherwise he would've… reached out to me. Like he always does."

Kenma's quiet again. It's not rare, but the way he sees Kenma's lips purse has Iwaizumi's heart sinking.

"What matters now is how you deal with it," Kenma says quietly. "Kuro just gave Oikawa a huge speech about how no matter how badly he's messed up, he's not beyond redemption. Do you want the speech too?"

Iwaizumi laughs.

"Sure, why not?"

Kenma nods and puts down his mug, looks up at Iwaizumi:

"Stop messing up."

* * *

"I apologized to Oikawa."

Iwaizumi nods silently. Semi hesitates and Iwaizumi nods again when he motions to the chair. Taking a seat, he leans back in the chair. Iwaizumi's sitting forward; he's leaning against the table with his arms crossed, but he's staring at his drink. The café isn't loud enough to mask the sound of Semi's chair moving and this time when he looks up, Semi's looking straight at him.

"I shouldn't have hit him. He was just there."

Iwaizumi nods for the third time.

"But I stand by what I said. The kind of person he is and the kind of person—"

"Semi," Iwaizumi interrupts, raising one hand to his face, "…you need to stop talking shit about Oikawa. To me, especially. It's not because I'm in love with him. He's still my best friend and he always will be. Okay? I agreed to meet with you today because there's stuff I want to say, but… please. Stop with the Oikawa insults."

"Iwa—"

"Do you really think I'd still be friends with him for no reason?" he presses. "Yeah, Oikawa can be a brat. He can be selfish and flirty and annoying as hell. But you know what? He's loyal. And he's someone I know I can always trust. If you ask him for something, he always comes through. He's driven. When he focuses on something, there's no one who'll work harder than he will. And with someone like that… you just want them to succeed, you know? Because it kind of reminds you of yourself, how you want something so badly and you'll stop at nothing to get it. I know he can come off… pretty terribly. But… he's not a bad person. Okay? Sometimes he can be really fucking stupid, but… he's got good intentions. He's just…"

Iwaizumi pauses.

"…He's the biggest pain in the ass in the universe and while he makes life more difficult than necessary, I can't imagine it without him," he finishes, a small smile in place as his voice trails off. He teases his mug, alternating between aligning the handle to be perpendicular or parallel to the small spoon they'd given him. Semi doesn't say anything; when Iwaizumi looks up upon hearing a sigh, he can't help but laugh quietly at Semi's expression.

"…I still don't like him."

"That's fair; most people don't," Iwaizumi says. He sighs and leaves his mug alone. Leaning back in his seat, he looks out the window and crosses his arms. "…You know something? He tried to talk me into staying with you."

Semi looks surprised; his eyes widen and the sugar packet remains half ripped. Iwaizumi isn't sure what he plans on doing with that when he opens it and, judging by the way Semi looks down, he also doesn't know.

"Really?" he asks and Iwaizumi smirks as he takes a napkin and wraps up the sugar in it. He presses his lips into a thin line, has an expression that Iwaizumi can't quite make out. "…That's… strange."

"Like I said, he can come off terribly but he's a good person. Because even if how he reacted at first to us was immature, now…" Iwaizumi's smiling again, a way that only Oikawa seems to be able to cause, "he's not that bad a person. I wouldn't still be friends with him if he were. Once you get to really know him…"

Iwaizumi takes one look at Semi's face.

"…Not that I expect you to, I mean. He's… not as bad a person as most people think he is." Iwaizumi shrugs. "That's all. But… I do get why you don't like him. I mean, if Oikawa didn't exist… maybe we'd-"

"You can't say that," Semi says quietly and when Iwaizumi looks up, he's smiling a little, if ruefully. "I know what you're going to say, that maybe you could really be with me. But we don't know that because…"

He shrugs.

"Iwaizumi Hajime is who he is because he grew up with Oikawa Tooru. Who knows who you'd be without him?"

Iwaizumi's speechless for a moment. He doesn't know how to respond to that so he looks down and stirs his drink awkwardly. Semi doesn't say anything else for a little while either. There's the clinking of ceramic, low chatter of patrons, and a quiet melody from the jazz music resting over all that. The atmosphere is entirely different from earlier; it's calmer but bittersweet, much less tense and angry. Iwaizumi feels like he can breathe.

It feels a lot more like closure now.

"You know," Semi mumbles and Iwaizumi glances up, "even with everything you just said, I just… this still feels like it's because of him. And you too, I mean," he says and Iwaizumi smiles ruefully. "But… well, I knew what I was getting into from the start, I just didn't expect to like you this much or start really falling for you. And I also didn't realize how much you and Oikawa cared for each other. My fault, I guess."

Iwaizumi hesitates. He finally takes a sip of his coffee; it's a bit colder than lukewarm by now and he frowns a little as he swallows. He reaches for a packet of sugar and shakes his head with an amused smile when Semi pushes the napkin-wrapped one towards him.

"I know you might not believe this, but… this isn't about Oikawa," he says as he pours in a packet. He looks up and frowns. "Don't look at me like that. It's not."

Semi raises an eyebrow. "Okay."

"I mean, in a way it is," Iwaizumi clarifies and he frowns at Semi's little smile. "…It's about the fact that I have feelings for him, but not about the fact they're _for_ him. I can't be with someone else when I'm in love with him. This isn't not working out because I'm in love with—fine, a little," he says and Semi laughs, "but this… this is about the fact that I can't devote myself fully to you. And I should be able to. I thought that I could do this and… maybe I can, eventually. But it's not fair to you. I'm sorry it took me that long to figure it out."

Iwaizumi's voice trails off in favor of a frown and digs his nail into the flesh of his thumb. "Damnit, okay, I know you might not believe—"

"No, actually… actually I do," Semi says after a pause with a small shrug. "I know what kind of a person you are and… yeah. You're one of the few honest people left in the world."

He looks up, tilts his head and smiles.

"So… this is over, I guess."

"Yeah."

Iwaizumi stares at his largely untouched coffee. He hasn't had many breakups, but most of them had been pretty peaceful, while this one ended with Oikawa getting punched. Iwaizumi's always felt a tinge of sadness at breaking up; he doesn't date unless he feels a connection, and whenever something like that ends, his heart breaks a little.

But if he's going to be honest with himself, he has to be honest with them. And the truth is that he's in love with Oikawa. He has been for eight years; he might always be. And there's no promise of being with Oikawa, so when Iwaizumi breaks up with them, it's not for that false hope. It's knowing that it's unfair to lead someone on and be with them when his heart is ultimately with someone else.

"Hey, Iwaizumi."

"Yeah?"

He looks up and sees Semi giving a sad, small lopsided smile.

"…I really hope you get him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry semi. you're beautiful. much more than i anticipated and i ???ed when i saw you in the episode but, well, this is iwaoi. they were written into the stars and commanded by the heavens themselves. nothing can stop those two from being together, not even oikawa's stupidity.
> 
> thank you for reading! kudos/comments appreciated ♥


	20. wonder just where you are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "… maybe i don't want you to let me go."

_"Your nose."_

_Oikawa looks up with a start. His homework is in the exact state it's been for the past twenty minutes, paper starch and white, entirely untainted by the presence of answers. Iwaizumi's voice breaks his trance and it takes a moment for him to focus his vision. His eyes fall to Iwaizumi's pencil and he watches it scribble away, unable to help but purse his lips and feel a bit jealous. He sniffs and wrinkles his nose without thinking twice about it._

_"What?"_

_Iwaizumi taps his nose with a finger, eyes never leaving his notebook._

_"You wrinkle it when you're thinking really hard."_

Oikawa catches himself wrinkling his nose but Iwaizumi seems too focused on finding a piece of broccoli to eat.

(And he calls _Oikawa_ a picky eater.)

He hears Iwaizumi's chopsticks clinking against china and watches him push aside a myriad of other vegetables. Scratching his cheek, Oikawa unconsciously smiles when Iwaizumi finds what he's looking for. He lifts his bowl to hide his little grin and almost chokes on a rebellious grain of rice. A sip of tea later, Oikawa heaves a sigh, but Iwaizumi's already back to his mission for a baby carrot this time.

Oikawa watches Iwaizumi do this for every vegetable in the medley on the plate before he clears his throat.

"…Iwa-chan, not that I mind you eating all my food—"

"That I bought and then prepared for you," Iwaizumi grumbles.

"But…"

They'd spent the day together. Oikawa had fallen asleep last night during a movie and Iwaizumi was still here when he woke up, evidenced by a pile of blankets on the couch and Iwaizumi in the kitchen. It had made him happy, as most of Iwaizumi's had a tendency to do, but Oikawa realized this had happened for the past three mornings.

In a row.

Brow furrowing, his delicate features twist into a slightly pinched expression as he stares across the table at Iwaizumi. He lowers his chopsticks and bowl and heaves a sigh.

"…Did you move back in without telling me?"

Iwaizumi's been hanging out here more often recently.

It's not a bad thing. It's never a bad thing to hang out with Iwaizumi; it leaves Oikawa feeling warm and content and more at ease than he is with anyone else. He's relaxed with Kuroo and Kenma too, but it's different with Iwaizumi. Everything's different with Iwaizumi, but even though Oikawa's happiest when with him, he tries to usher him home several times. He's never said it, but he's sure Iwaizumi knows why:

Semi.

Oikawa doesn't want to give even the slightest wrong impression, and having Iwaizumi at his place constantly would certainly, and rightfully, raise suspicion. If it were up to Oikawa, Iwaizumi would never leave. He'd stay there forever with him and Oikawa would be eternally happy. But things aren't always easy and Iwaizumi has a boyfriend who makes him happy, so Oikawa wants to keep it that way.

Naturally, Iwaizumi ignores Oikawa's requests.

_"I'm not leaving."_

_"But Semi—"_

_"He's fine," Iwaizumi cuts him off and looks over. They're looking in each other's general directions but only Oikawa's looking at his eyes. After a blink, he realizes Iwaizumi's eyes are trained on his cheek and he gives a small smile after a moment. Iwaizumi's hand comes up and his fingers touch over the still slightly tender skin as he clears his throat, laughing softly._

_"I'm okay," Oikawa reassures with that same grin. "Semi-chan stopped by to apologize and brought milk bread."_

_Iwaizumi's chin dips and raises a bit slowly, the movement a bit disjointed. Oikawa watches his eyes turn their gaze onto something else, peripheral vision catching Iwaizumi's fingers twist a bit nervously. He brings one hand up and palms the back of his neck, scratches his nape. "…Did, uh, he say why or anything?"_

_Oikawa shakes his head. "No," he answers and sees Iwaizumi's shoulders sag. "And…" he continues, "if Iwa-chan wants to talk, then I'm here, okay? But if you don't, that's okay too. Your relationship is your business, so…"_

_Iwaizumi nods and mumbles a gruff 'thanks' under his breath. Oikawa's gaze lingers on the sharp angle of Iwaizumi's jaw and he has to force himself to look away. Shifting to readjust his position on the couch, he gingerly leans back against the seat cushion to try to be comfortable. Instead, he's hyperaware of his shirt bunched against his back, of an itchy tag. He leans forward and reaches an arm behind to scratch, but his fingers meet Iwaizumi's and he feels a relief of the irritation._

_Iwaizumi withdraws his hand without a word and Oikawa brushes his fingers over where his had just been, still not breathing when he leans back again. He presses his lips into a thin line and inhales deeply as he opens his mouth, but Iwaizumi's voice breaks the silence first._

_"Don't."_

_Oikawa freezes and now that he's not allowed to, words just want to tumble from his lips. "…What?"_

_"You're going to apologize again," Iwaizumi says tiredly. Oikawa stiffens and furrows his brow, looking away as Iwaizumi begins talking again. "Because that's what you've been doing. Look, Oikawa… I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm not hurt anymore. I forgave you a long time ago and, honestly, the only one who hasn't is yourself."_

_Neck craning as he rests his head on the back of the couch, Iwaizumi looks over with a tired smile. "You've got to find some way to move on from this. Okay? Not to put any pressure on you, but… it's killing me on the inside to watch you beat yourself up over this over and over again."_

_Sucking his lips in, Oikawa hugs his knees to his chest and nods numbly. He doesn't even try to watch the television anymore; he focuses his eyes on the carpet and wiggles his toes, something he picked up from Kenma at some point. He chews on his bottom lip lengthily before he clears his throat, keeping his chin on his knee. "…Yeah. I know. But, Iwa-chan… I don't… I don't know how to do that. I can't go back in time and keep that from happening. I hurt you… in one of the worst ways possible and I don't know how I can forgive myself for that. I don't even know how to stop thinking about it when we're together—"_

_"I mean we're together right now," Iwaizumi interrupts in a lazy drawl. "And think about when the guilt's not on your mind. When you got excited about discovering that bird's nest. When you got agitated about the car alarm going off. When you got way too invested in that one commercial with the dog. Those few moments. I'm not saying this is something you'll forget, but… I don't want you to keep punishing yourself up over it. You're my best friend and one of the most important people in my life. Knowing that you're sabotaging yourself because of me… I want you to be happy."_

_Iwaizumi shrugs, looks over and smiles kindly._

_"I've forgiven you, Oikawa. So... I think it's time you forgive yourself too."_

"Semi's busy," Iwaizumi mutters and finally decides on a piece, picks it up with his chopsticks. Oikawa doesn't realize he's gone from watching Iwaizumi's chewing to focusing on his lips, catching himself only when he begins to lean in. He pulls back and pretends it had been to observe one of the dishes. As good measure, he rubs the edge with a finger and hums.

Iwaizumi's dark eyes flick upwards towards him and he talks, voice gruff and mouth still half-full. It makes Oikawa shiver because everything about Iwaizumi, including his voice, _especially_ his voice, has an effect on him. "What, you don't want me here?"

"Of course I do," Oikawa huffs indignantly and puffs his cheeks out, kicking Iwaizumi lightly under the table. "I don't like it when Iwa-chan spends all his time with Semi-chan. Iwa-chan's not allowed to forget about me, you know."

Iwaizumi smirks. "What happened to you being so keen on me spending every minute with him?"

"Well, _obviously_ I want Iwa-chan to be happy and dating Semi-chan makes him happy," Oikawa answers matter-of-factly. "But I also want to spend time with you. I like Semi-chan if he makes Iwa-chan happy, but Iwa-chan's _my_ best friend," he explains. " _I_ still get to be most important."

"Well, aren't you self righteous."

"Is Iwa-chan implying otherwise?!"

The sound of Iwaizumi's laugh fills the room and becomes the only thing Oikawa cares about. It leaves him smiling as he drops his gaze to his food, a comfortable silence ensuing. For a while, it's just the sound of chopsticks against china and chewing. Iwaizumi's generally a fast eater, but Oikawa's noted that he's been taking longer over the past few days.

Of course, he doesn't mind. It just means more time they spend together.

He finds himself wondering if Iwaizumi's like this with Semi. Does he also slow down when eating with him? What if Semi's an even faster eater? Does Semi slow down? Do they share food, the way Iwaizumi and Oikawa do? Do they take turns choosing or does Iwaizumi let Semi choose every time, like he does Oikawa?

Oikawa realizes he's probably far too curious about Iwaizumi's relationship with Semi, and none of these questions are appropriate to ask. And that's okay, because that's not the main question he wants to ask:

_Why is he so much better than I am?_

_What made you choose him?_

It's a selfish question and Oikawa hates himself for even thinking about it. He knows why Semi's better. For one, Semi didn't jerk Iwaizumi's feelings around, lead him on, crush him, avoid acknowledging his hurtful actions, then throw a dramatic temper tantrum and make him worry. There's no doubt about it that Semi's _better_ than he is, but there's still a part of Oikawa who can't help but feel that _he's_ better fit for Iwaizumi.

He knows that it's just petty jealousy. But he's trying so hard to be happy for them and knowing that this is Iwaizumi's happiness is the only thing that can overshadow all of Oikawa's insecurities and sadness. He messed up but luckily, Semi exists and was there for Iwaizumi.

So, as long as Iwaizumi's happy, Oikawa's okay with it. He's more than okay with it. It's impossibly hard to be entirely happy for the person one's in love with when they're with someone else, but Oikawa's trying pretty damn hard.

Oikawa knows that he doesn't get to feel sad for himself. He knows he doesn't deserve it, not when he's the one who caused all this. He doesn't get the luxury of self pity or expecting anyone to side with him, but the thing about sadness is that it doesn't understand logic and it lodges itself in the center of his chest, into his heart, injects itself into his blood and spreads throughout his body that way.

He's so sad that he messed up the greatest, purest, most wonderful love in his life, but at least he's able to make sure Iwaizumi's still gets his happiness.

Biting the inside of his cheek momentarily, Oikawa sighs. He lowers his bowl and chopsticks to the table and allows his shoulders to slump. "I just… Iwa-chan, if…"

Iwaizumi's silent; he doesn't even look up. Oikawa's brow knits and he swallows thickly as he tries to find his words. His thumb starts turning white from how hard he's pressing it to his chopstick and stops just short of breaking it as he sighs shakily. "If only you didn't meet me—"

"You know what Semi said… once?" Iwaizumi interrupts, having to pause to catch himself. There's the clinking of his bowl against the table and Oikawa can't bring himself to look up to be able to see above Iwaizumi's shoulders. "…That I am who I am because I met you. I don't think I want to know what I'd be like if I didn't know you."

Oikawa feels heat creeping up the back of his neck. His heart skips a beat at that and he feigns a cough. Raising a hand to his face, he covers his embarrassment with a cough and pats his bangs down. "That's… Semi-chan said that? Iwa-chan's habit of saying cheesy things rubbed off on him so quickly…" he mutters, voice growing softer until it's barely a whisper by the end.

"It's true," Iwaizumi says and smirks slightly. "…I am who I am because of you, Oikawa. And I like who I am. I'm glad that out of everyone to grow up with, I got you."

Oikawa, between the two of them, is obviously the one who flirts more, says things that are daring and bold. He doesn't even realize he's flirting sometimes, until Iwaizumi calls him out on it; it's just part of his nature and charm, how he deals with people.

But the thing about Oikawa is that most of what he says is superficial and fake; it's not something he means from the bottom of the heart. Iwaizumi, while much less smooth and reserved with his words, says things only _because_ he means them. So while Iwaizumi has gotten used to Oikawa's flirting and is better than anyone at differentiating flirting and genuine words, Oikawa also realizes that when Iwaizumi says something, he means it.

Iwaizumi just might not know the effect of his words on other people.

Oikawa doesn't try to cover his blush. He just stares at Iwaizumi and when he sees him also start blushing, he teases 'now we're even' and brings a knee to his chest. He's still grinning when he rests his chin on it, unable to help but steal another glance. Iwaizumi's flustered; he's palming the back of his neck and then rubbing the side of his nose and Oikawa laughs quietly, marveling at how adorable he is.

"So it's okay?" Oikawa asks softly, eyes trained on the last few grains of rice in his bowl.

"Is what okay?" he hears.

"…To forgive myself?"

Iwaizumi looks over with such exasperation that Oikawa almost feels bad again before realizing that's not what Iwaizumi wants. "Of course," he says and sounds entirely and utterly defeated. "Oikawa, you're my best friend. I don't want you beating yourself up over this forever. We all make mistakes. So, yeah. You can forgive yourself. I don't want to think that every time we're together it's out of guilt—"

"It's not—"

"Yeah, but if you're going to punish yourself forever, it'll feel like that," Iwaizumi interjects. "Every time we hang out, every time you pay for something, every time we do anything we've always done is going to make me feel like you're doing it out of guilt and that pisses me off. I don't want you to be with me because of guilt, okay? I want you to be with me because you like me."

Ten seconds pass before they both hear the other meaning and Iwaizumi turns bright red.

"N-n-n-not—as a friend, okay? A shitty friend—not shitty, just—"

"Yeah, I get it," Oikawa laughs. It's amazing, he thinks, how he's so in love with Iwaizumi and how Iwaizumi has no idea. It's amazing how he's got so much passion and love for the person sitting just a few feet away from him and he's completely unaware, thinks that Oikawa sees him as just a friend when Oikawa sees Iwaizumi as his entire galaxy.

Iwaizumi's phone goes off and it makes him jolt. Oikawa can't help but grin and tease him a little; he lowers his leg and starts stacking empty plates and bowls even before Iwaizumi looks up with a frown. "Crap—I've got to help Kindaichi with something. Sorry, I need to go."

"I'll walk Iwa-chan out," Oikawa says and stands, looking up with a bright smile. "The whole five yards."

Iwaizumi scoffs. "Thanks."

Following him to the door, Oikawa crosses his arm and leans against the wall as he watches Iwaizumi step into his shoes, right one first and somehow struggling a bit more with the left. He nods at the 'see you later' and waves a little when the door opens, apartment already feeling a little emptier with the small rush of wind.

But Iwaizumi doesn't leave. He freezes with the door slightly ajar and while Oikawa doesn't say anything, he can't help but wonder. Oikawa watches the door close, stares at Iwaizumi's back, continues to wait and tilts his head.

"…Hey. Oikawa."

Iwaizumi turns around and he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Oikawa hums in acknowledgement. "Yes?"

"…Can I ask something?" Iwaizumi asks and ducks his gaze. "Just… just entirely hypothetically. It's about—well, about how I feel about you."

Oikawa feels like someone punched him in the gut, but he smiles effortlessly.

"Of course."

Their gazes meet and Iwaizumi lingers before he breaks the eye contact. Pressing the toe of his shoe to the ground, he shrugs once quickly and reaches the opposite hand up to the back of his neck. "…Just… just entirely hypothetically. If…" he breaks off and clears his throat. "Do… do you think we were ever possible?"

The underlying question:

_Could you ever have felt the same way?_

The answer is so glaringly obvious that Oikawa wonders how it's not beaming through his shirt, etched bright and bold on his chest. Of course, he wants to say, yes, yes, _yes_ , he could feel the same away. After all, he's Oikawa and he's Iwaizumi; it's like they were made for each other, fated to be together from the moment they were born to the moment they died. Oikawa knows it's ridiculous and stupid, but he feels like the entire universe created him to meet Iwaizumi and be with him.

Because that's how happy Iwaizumi makes him and that's how much Iwaizumi means to him.

His gentle smile continues to mask the growing ache in his chest and Oikawa manages to laugh, a light, chiming sort of sound. "Iwa-chan, you shouldn't be asking me something like that when you're dating someone else…" he teases but his voice is quiet and trails off.

His eyes avert to a mark on the wall; he remembers it from the time they'd gotten drunk and decided to play some game with shoes and brooms. They'd evolved from gym shoes and dress shoes and before he knew it, his black leather shoes had a new scuff while the wall had a new mark.

It was the first of many 'yeah, we're not getting our security deposit back' comments.

He's trying to figure out how he can answer this question and strike the balance between honesty and what he's allowed to say. He doesn't want to complicate anything for Iwaizumi, but he wants him to know that all of his love, _all_ of it, has been and will forever be reciprocated. He wants Iwaizumi to know that he loves him more than anything, doesn't want the same _why not me?_ questions to haunt Iwaizumi the way they've haunted Oikawa.

"…Of course," he says finally and looks up in time to see Iwaizumi doing the same, eyes wide. "I mean, Iwa-chan… it doesn't matter you're not like the girls and guys I've dated before. It doesn't even matter what you may think I felt or what I may have said because… because you're Iwa-chan. You know? You're Iwa-chan and I'm Shittykawa. You're everything. I don't even know what I want sometimes, but you… wanting you by my side is something that will always be true. There's no question about it. You make me happy. You…" Oikawa shrugs. "…You're Iwa-chan. Our friendship, what we have, our relationship… I want you to be happy, regardless of what kind of a relationship we have. Above all, I just really want you to be happy. I'd do absolutely everything I could to make you happy, I promise that. And… if you honestly believe that you'd be happiest with me…"

Oikawa laughs again. This time, the airy sound laughter is so natural and easy that it takes with it so much tension and stress that Oikawa feels like his entire body could crumple right then and there, the avalanche of emotions almost causing his body to cave inwards on itself.

"Then, yeah, I'd want to be with you. You're Iwa-chan. I'm Oikawa. We're Iwaizumi and Oikawa. I don't know life without you and… there's nobody else I'd want to share mine with. That's always how it's been for me."

And he realizes that it's so easy and natural because it's the truth. That after months and months of a twisted game of hide and seek, Iwaizumi has, somehow, given Oikawa the exact opportunity he's needed, allowed him a chance to say what he's been dying to tell Iwaizumi.

And Iwaizumi doesn't even know.

He has no idea that a part of Oikawa has been so desperate to admit this about his best friend, about how far he'd be willing to go and what he would do, but he's somehow said the right thing at the right time because he's Iwaizumi and he's Oikawa and they could probably be a thousand miles apart but he'll be the one person who knows just what to do for him.

Oikawa bows his head because the lump in his throat makes keeping his lips still impossible. Iwaizumi hasn't said anything and while Oikawa would love to keep looking at his expression, he feels like his heart's about to race out of his chest. "Iwa-chan," he starts in a small voice, "can I hug you?"

"Huh? Uh—" Iwaizumi seems startled by the question, still reeling from what Oikawa just said. He nods and clears his throat, scratching his cheek. "Yeah. Yeah, sure, just… are you okay—"

He finishes his sentence with a grunt because Oikawa nearly throws himself onto him. Burying his face in the crook of Iwaizumi's neck, he nods stiffly and mumbles 'allergies' when Iwaizumi asks why he's crying. He feels Iwaizumi's light touch of his hands on his waist and almost melts at the feeling, hugging him even tighter.

(They both know Oikawa's not allergic to anything besides penicillin.)

"Okay."

(But Iwaizumi doesn't press because he's Iwaizumi and he's Oikawa.)

It barely registers to Oikawa when Iwaizumi's arms fully come around him. All he can do is grasp tighter onto his shirt; his eyes squeeze shut and his next breath comes out a choked gasp. They've done this hundreds of times; hugging each other isn't something new, but Oikawa doesn't want Iwaizumi to ever let go. And not only because of the comfort and the safety, but he feels that the moment Iwaizumi lets go, it'll be the official moment that he loses him. That when Iwaizumi walks out the door, it'll be the end to something that had never started and while Oikawa's not ready at all, he'll force himself to accept it if it makes Iwaizumi happy.

"Iwa-chan, you're hugging me too tightly…" he mumbles.

"…Yeah. Sorry. Deal with it."

Oikawa laughs, sniffs and the fact that Iwaizumi's grip doesn't lessen in the slightest makes his heart skip a beat.

He thinks Iwaizumi's still in love with him. Maybe that's selfish to think, even worse to hope for, but that's what he thinks.

He knows he's in love with Iwaizumi. More than anything, more than anyone, he's in love with him, and he'd do anything, _anything_ to make this person happy, to keep him in his arms forever and kiss him senseless.

Oikawa knows he loves Iwaizumi, thinks Iwaizumi loves him, but realizes that just because two people love each other that it's not always enough.

"…You're not letting go," Oikawa mumbles, unsure if his inability to breathe is from his tears or from Iwaizumi's grip.

"…Yeah. You're not either. You always want to go first."

He laughs. "Maybe I never want to let Iwa-chan go," he teases and doesn't even try to cover up the way his voice cracks.

Iwaizumi's quiet for a long time, and then:

"… Maybe I don't want you to let me go."

Oikawa loses track of how long they stand there like that.

* * *

"…You're not Kindaichi."

Kenma looks up. "I know. Thanks for confirming my identity."

Rolling his eyes, Iwaizumi grumbles 'shut up' but nonetheless takes a seat in the grass next to him. Even before sitting, he'd realized Kindaichi isn't there and wasn't going to show up. There were no other texts and so Iwaizumi could only wonder if Kenma had asked Kindaichi to send the text or if he'd somehow gotten a hold of his phone. He certainly wouldn't put it past Kenma and admitted that this was a much better way to get him away from Oikawa than bursting through the door like Kuroo would have.

"How are you doing?" Kenma asks and Iwaizumi's so surprised that Kenma's initiating conversation he forgets to answer at first. Kenma stares at him for a solid five seconds before he remembers.

"…Good. I'm good. Oikawa's doing better—"

"I'm not asking about him," Kenma says immediately.

Iwaizumi smirks. "Because you've been texting him, right?"

Kenma wrinkles his nose.

Iwaizumi laughs. He reaches out to ruffle Kenma's hair instinctively and shrugs when he pulls back. Kenma's lying down, shoulders and head propped up against the tree and Iwaizumi's left to find a position of his own that's comfortable. The ground is hard and the tree bark is rough, but Kenma looks comfortable (with his hoodie as a barrier between nape and tree, Iwaizumi notes jealously) so he doesn't propose moving elsewhere.

After giving up on finding a position that involves leaning back, Iwaizumi opts to lean forward instead. His arms come around to loosely hug his knees and he laces his fingers together. Iwaizumi finds himself staring at the blades of grass surrounding his feet and notes the stark contrast of green against white as he tries to gather his thoughts. "I mean, I can tell it's still bothering him," he starts. "But I really think he's doing better, and—"

"Iwaizumi."

Kenma and Oikawa seem to be total opposites, but both of them really cut to the chase. Kenma's not one to repeat himself, so it's a good thing Iwaizumi, unlike some other people, pays attention to everything he says the first time.

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything. He smiles briefly and picks at a small stain at the hem of his pants, wonders when he got that, is amazed Oikawa didn't see it and rip the pants off to wash them. He doesn't know if it makes sense or not for Oikawa to be such a stickler for clean clothes; on one hand, it makes sense for modelesque Oikawa to be so focused on physical appearances, but on the other hand, it makes no sense for ditzy, spacey Oikawa to be so keen on detail.

He's a paradox, and Iwaizumi loves it.

Kenma sits up up and he sways a little, shoulder bumping into Iwaizumi's. _Answer me._ Closing his eyes, Iwaizumi heaves a sigh and lets go of his hem.

"…I feel like my chest is caving in on itself all the time around him," Iwaizumi mumbles, voice low and quiet. "…It feels like I can't breathe around him, but if I'm not with him, it's like I'm drowning. He's… he's the one. To me, he's… he's what Kuroo is to you. I can't… breathe without him, I can't live without him, I… it feels like I don't know how to be a person without him. I love everything about him and him existing… just him being there, makes me so grateful to exist because it gives me the chance to know him. I… fuck, I hate—I… I don't know. I really don't, I just…"

Iwaizumi shrugs and laughs quietly, bringing one hand up to his face.

"…I'm so, so ridiculously, madly, insanely in love with him I can't believe myself. I think I'm sick. I've got to be sick, right? The way I feel about him, it… I don't think it's ever going to lessen or stop making me feel nauseous."

Iwaizumi's teeth clamp down on the inside of his cheek in an attempt to steady his breathing. He feels something heavy but warm on his shoulder; without having to look over, he knows it's Kenma's head and he gives a weak smile. He reaches his hand over to tousle his hair and can't help but think back to how Oikawa would do that all the time, from when they were kids taking a nap to high schoolers falling asleep on the train.

"Yeah," he hears Kenma's voice. "I get that."

Iwaizumi nods, but it's hollow and it doesn't help at all. His throat's dry, but swallowing somehow makes it worse and he pinches the bridge of his nose. "…I love him. I know I've said that so many times, but… I do. It's the only thing I can say and that's still enough. I thought… when he rejected me, it felt like my world was going to end. But I told myself I'd be okay. Because that's how it works, right? You get rejected… it sucks, you want to die, but time passes and things get better. So I thought it was going to be like that. But the thing is… I…"

Iwaizumi bites his lip and feels the weight lessen from his shoulders, wishes the same could be for his chest.

"…You never saw yourself falling out of love with him, right?" Kenma asks.

It takes a moment, but Iwaizumi nods and laughs softly. "…Stupid, right? I mean, for it to suck less means I'd be less in love with him, but I never even thought about that. I think… I think I just accepted he's never going to be _just_ Oikawa to me. He's never going to be just another person, he's… he's Oikawa. He's stupid, but he's mine. After everything, that's the one thing that's never faltered."

Iwaizumi sighs.

"…Is it possible for the pillar to have a pillar? I'm… pretty sure he's mine."

"I think that's called a foundation."

"…You know what I meant."

Kenma just offers a dry smile to that. Iwaizumi doesn't know how much time has passed until he feels Kenma moving again, slowly and deliberately, exactly the way a cat would move. He seems to be adjusting himself and then his cheek is on Iwaizumi's shoulder again, warm and soft. Kenma doesn't say anything else, but Iwaizumi feels a quiet judgment radiating. It's the way a cat stares when it wants food, except Iwaizumi doesn't think handing Kenma a piece of pie will solve anything.

He sighs. Kenma doesn't have to stare at him to let him know he's waiting.

"Out with it."

Kenma sighs. "You're not being honest about why you don't want Oikawa to know about your breakup."

Iwaizumi frowns. "That's—"

"I think you're afraid of being available and him not taking that opportunity."

It feels a little like he was just elbowed hard in the chest, but Iwaizumi clears his throat and tries to play it off. "No, it's not—"

"It's like a second rejection," Kenma says quietly and while Kuroo or Oikawa would've gone on with a much longer spiel, Kenma's short response somehow hurts more.

Because the general rule of society is that if someone is single, they're available. There are obvious exceptions; not everyone wants to date, not everyone is ready to date. But in Iwaizumi's case, as long as it's pertaining to Oikawa, Iwaizumi being single definitely means he's willing to date him. He's willing to share his entire world and life with Oikawa and by being single, by not having made a conscious decision to have someone else as his number one, he's essentially plastering that all over his face.

So the fact that he and Oikawa _aren't_ together stings more.

Because that's the thing with a chance and hope; when they're not taken, it hurts. When Iwaizumi was with Semi, at the very least he had _because I'm with someone_ as the reason. But now that he isn't, all he has is _he doesn't feel the same way_ and that's just a constant, pressing reminder of how his feelings are unrequited. How he's madly in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way, how he's so devoted to someone who doesn't see him in the same way. And waking up knowing that makes Iwaizumi want to lie in bed all day, become one with the mattress, and disappear into a chasm of nothingness.

For however much Iwaizumi's told himself and everyone else he's okay, he's not. He thought he would be, but he's not.

Iwaizumi sort of feels like he was punched in the face and then kicked in the ribs. It seems to show on his face, because Kenma apologizes and Iwaizumi just shrugs it off with a brief curve of his lips. "…Damn. You're just like Oikawa. Anyone ever tell you that?"

Kenma laughs softly. "Unsurprisingly, no. I'm sorry, though."

"Don't be. It's fine; you're right."

"Not about that. About how you feel. It's… the worst feeling," Kenma murmurs. He looks over and Iwaizumi instinctively looks back. "You don't get over someone you've been in love with since before you realized you were in love with them," Kenma says. "You… can't help but hope. And that hope can be devastating."

Iwaizumi has to look away because there's something about Kenma's gaze that makes him feel too vulnerable. It's the same with Oikawa, but Iwaizumi thinks Kenma's deciding factor is that his eyes are _huge_. He clears his throat and bows his head. Iwaizumi brings a hand up to his face in an attempt to stifle his groan, but he lets it fall away and laughs. His shrug is tired and his half lidded eyes focus on the grass stain on his shoes.

His thumbnail digs into his index finger and Iwaizumi relaxes, stares at the dark crescent mark. The blood's still rushing through his veins, but he feels a bit cooler than before and exhales slowly. "…It's really stupid, isn't it?" he mumbles finally.

Kenma hums. "No. A little, but mostly no."

"…He's already rejected me," Iwaizumi mutters. "Both directly and indirectly. I know how he feels, so…"

"Feelings change, though," Kenma says softly and his cheek is on Iwaizumi's shoulder again. "Maybe Oikawa feels differently. You don't know—"

"But maybe he doesn't," Iwaizumi cuts off tiredly, unintentionally snapping a bit. "It's like you said. It was one thing when I was with Semi. Yeah, I liked him, but… it was also an excuse. I was with someone so even if Oikawa didn't feel the same way… me being _with_ someone made anything happening remote. And now that I'm not… now that I'm not, if nothing happens, it's because…"

Closing his eyes, Iwaizumi leans back. His neck cranes as he allows his head to fall back and he inhales.

"…It's because he doesn't feel the same way. You're right. There's a part of me that wants to be with him and will never be able to accept that we won't happen. I always made fun of him for being a hopeless romantic, but…"

"That's not being a hopeless romantic," Kenma says soothingly and pats Iwaizumi's hand.

Iwaizumi smirks. "Thanks. That actually helps—"

"That's you being naïve and stupid."

Iwaizumi laughs a bit louder than he'd expected at that, but it feels good to laugh like that. It feels nice to laugh in a way that isn't caustic and deprecating. As his smile slowly fades, he sighs again and picks at a blade of grass next to him, eyes half lidded as he remembers the time Oikawa decided to make a flower crown. He'd put the finished product on Iwaizumi's head only for a beetle to crawl into his hair.

Luckily for him, Iwaizumi doesn't mind beetles. Otherwise Oikawa Tooru may not be alive today. He was more annoyed that Oikawa didn't tell him and realized only when it was crawling down his forehead and between his eyes.

"Can I ask something?"

"Shoot," Iwaizumi mumbles.

"…If Oikawa wanted to be with you," Kenma starts, "would you want to?"

It's a simple question that should have a simple answer. It's simple, really, and it's simple in the way that it's not simple, not in the slightest.

"I know that you and Kuroo both had qualms. You were afraid of being rejected and Kuroo was afraid of losing the friendship you had. And, yeah, those are valid reasons. So sometimes, yeah, I feel the same way," Iwaizumi says. "That what Oikawa and I have is great. We have a kind of friendship that's rare. And sometimes I feel like that can be enough.

"But then there are days where that's not enough because I want more. What we already have is special, but it doesn't feel like it's _enough_. I want more. Not even sex, I want to know he feels the same way, that it's not just me who feels this crazy and overwhelmed with how much I care about him. And I know that's selfish, but… I want more. I want to know that he wants me just as much as I want him. He's an asshole and he's selfish and he's ridiculous and he's pretty fucking stupid, but he's my best friend and I love him so, _so_ much that _that's_ ridiculous and fucking stupid."

He breaks off and feels his cheeks turning pink again. Kenma chuckles and Iwaizumi's rubbing his face, covering it in embarrassment when he hears Kenma pose another question.

"Even after all this time and everything that's happened?"

It's actually simple in the way that it's so simple that it's not simple.

It's simple because when it comes down to it, it's a simple question with a simple and obvious answer.

Iwaizumi smiles tiredly, sighing with the next shrug of his shoulders.

"…Yeah. Always. It sucks, but… I never wanted him to be the one who got away, but I guess he is."

He sighs and Kenma bites the corner of his lip when he hears Iwaizumi's mumble, so quiet that he isn't sure if he was meant to hear:

"He's my forever."

Kenma doesn't say anything, just rests his cheek against Iwaizumi's shoulder again.

* * *

"He's probably with Semi-chan right now, right? I mean, after whatever Kin-chan wanted, Iwa-chan probably went back to Semi-chan. Because they're dating. That's what people who date do, right? Spend most of their free time with each other? Yeah. That's what I did when I was dating that one girl and Iwa-chan got mad and yelled at me so after that I realized I had to balance my time accordingly because you can't abandon your friends because you're dating—that's not the point, te point is that Iwa-chan is dating Semi-chan, so they have every right to spend time together because… because they're dating."

Oikawa stops walking and stares at a brick wall, thinks seriously about bashing his face into it.

"Dating," he repeats staunchly.

He hears Kuroo groaning. There's static and he holds his own phone away from his ear until it's subsided, bringing it back to his face and finally remembering to blink.

"Look, Oikawa… you started out this phone call by saying you were _glad_ Iwaizumi's gone…" Kuroo drawls, "obviously that's a lie because you're happiest when you're with him, but, really, at least try for some continuity."

"I think it's good he's still with Semi-chan," Oikawa chirps robotically, "This means they're serious, right? That Iwa-chan's serious about him? Iwa-chan's falling in love with—Iwa-chan would be a great boyfriend, you know? Actually, you wouldn't. I wouldn't either. Because Iwa-chan's not our boyfriend. He's Semi-chan's boyfriend. And he's great, he's a great boyfriend. He's attentive and patient and devoted and kind and loyal and he's a good person. Good people should be happy and Iwa-chan's a great person, so he should be really happy. And being mutually in love makes people happy, so it's great because Iwa-chan's falling in love with-"

Oikawa hiccups.

"…Yeah, this is good. Because as long as Iwa-chan's happy and in love with—"

Oikawa can't finish his sentence. His breath catches in his throat whenever he tries and though he's capable of saying 'Iwa-chan and 'love' and 'Semi-chan', he just can't say them in a certain order. Closing his eyes, Oikawa takes a moment to try and regather himself. But the pit in his stomach doesn't lessen and he folds an arm across his body, shoulders hunching as he tries to cave in on himself and stop existing entirely.

"You're usually a pretty good liar, Oikawa, but you're not even trying right now," Kuroo drawls over the phone. Oikawa winces at the gentle accusation and rubs the side of his nose as he continues walking, Kuroo's voice holding its playful tone but still serious, both deafening and small through the phone. "You're doing that thing where you try to talk yourself into believing something, but… you're not a bad person for not being happy about it. Okay? Not being happy that the guy you love is with someone else doesn't make you a bad person. You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you act and… I'd say you've been doing a pretty good job of that recently."

Oikawa's brow knits. He doesn't say anything at first and Kuroo's words weigh on him for the next block. He gets what Kuroo's saying but, at the same time, he doesn't know if _he's_ allowed to be okay with him not being okay. It feels selfish of him to do that. He'd thought that if he tried hard enough and waited long enough, the jealous twisting in his gut would stop, but it feels like it's worsened.

He wants to be happy for Iwaizumi and Semi, but it seems like he can't and it's getting harder and harder for him to even try and say that. All he can think about is how he missed _his_ chance and how he'd do anything for a second chance he knows he doesn't deserve.

Oikawa frowns. "…Am I a bad person for wanting Iwa-chan for myself?" he asks quietly.

"I wouldn't say so," Kuroo's voice comes through lightly.

"…So it's okay to feel that way? To want him even though he's someone else's?"

"I'd say so."

"Then… why do I feel like the worst person in the world?"

"Because," Kuroo answers, "I don't know anyone harder on themselves than you."

Oikawa smiles faintly at that, hears Iwaizumi's voice saying the exact same thing when he closes his eyes momentarily. "Hey, Oikawa?" he hears and opens his eyes.

"Yes, Tetsu-chan?"

"…You want to be with him, right? Iwaizumi?"

"…I don't know if I want to put in the effort to answer that."

"Shut up, asshole," Kuroo mumbles. "I mean… because you're beating yourself over this so much. Look, I worry about you. I just… if Iwaizumi wanted to be with you, if he asked you to be with him… would you? Or would the guilt stop you?"

Oikawa's silent. He acknowledges Kuroo when he asks if he's still there, but takes a few more moments to gather himself. Chewing on his bottom lip, he sighs and smiles. "Yeah. I'd want to be with him."

Kuroo's quiet. "…Oh. All right, well—"

"I know it's terrible of me to not even try and think about it, but that's how I feel. If he wanted to be with me, yeah, I'd want to be with him. Maybe I don't deserve him. I definitely didn't at first, but I'm trying really, _really_ hard to be somebody who deserves to be with him. I think I could make him happy. I know I'd try to do anything I could to make him happy and I'm trying my hardest to be someone who deserves to be with him. He's always made me want to be a better person. And to be good enough for that person…"

"You are already," Kuroo supplies. He pauses and then Oikawa hears a soft laugh. "…Or somethin' else Iwaizumi would say. Because to him… to him, you already are. You're someone he's always been proud of. So to him, you're already worthy. And anyone else… anyone else who thinks otherwise, fuck them. Because they don't know how hard you've worked or how you feel. So Iwaizumi, Kenma, and I think you're good enough. Don't think otherwise."

"…So you three are the only one whose opinions matter?"

"Yeah. Well, to you only Iwaizumi's, but I'm just going to add me and Kenma in there. You've got no say in it. Deal with it."

Sighing again, he mumbles that he's losing signal and will text him later with a little smile. They both know it's a lie; their voices are crystal clear, but Kuroo doesn't argue. He goes along with it and reminds him to remember to eat, that he demands a picture as proof.

_"What if I take a picture and don't eat it?"_

_"A before and after."_

_"What if I made someone else eat it?"_

_"A before, after, and of the food in your mouth."_

_"…That's gross."_

_"Yeah, don't do that. Just the before and after."_

Pocketing his phone when he finally hangs up, Oikawa veers into a café. He smiles politely at the waitress and flirts a little out of habit before sitting down in a booth and ordering a hot chocolate without so much as glancing at the menu. She beams and he adds in a wink before she hurries off.

Left on his own, Oikawa leans back in his seat and looks out the window. He misses Iwaizumi. He wishes Iwaizumi were here, wishes Iwaizumi were reprimanding him right now about flirting with people. Oikawa explains he doesn't even realize he's doing it. Iwaizumi tells him it's time he start.

He wonders if his flirting ever upset Iwaizumi, even if Iwaizumi knew it was harmless and playful fun for Oikawa. He wonders just how many times he's trampled over his feelings over the years, wonders how Iwaizumi could be so _good_ and tolerate all of that. He wonders how someone as upstanding as Iwaizumi could exist in this universe and, more than that, how someone like Iwaizumi could be friends with someone like Oikawa.

His hot chocolate comes (he's the first to be served despite several others having come in before him) and he smiles. Cupping the mug, Oikawa finds a bit of solace in the slightly painful feeling against his palms, though he quickly grows used to the feeling. His whipped cream's piled high, dusted with chocolate flakes and a small biscotti.

Oikawa smiles.

Iwaizumi loves whipped cream.

Oikawa's the one with a sweet tooth, but when it comes to whipped cream, Iwaizumi's the one who could eat an entire can of it in one sitting. He always asks for extra and sometimes Oikawa even gives him his. He chastises Iwaizumi about how unhealthy it is, but the teasing quickly stops when Iwaizumi just brings up milk bread.

Taking a sip, he licks the whipped cream from his upper lip and sighs. He misses winter breaks with Iwaizumi, when they'd come home from practicing at the gym, change out of workout sweats into lazing around sweats, pull up some terrible movie and make hot chocolate.

He misses weekends with Iwaizumi, where they pull all nighters by accident because they get into an argument. He misses school nights with Iwaizumi where they do the exact same thing and stay awake with the help of coffee and energy drinks the next day. He misses everything with Iwaizumi and wishes he could go back to those days, figure out sooner that he's in love with him and cherish every single moment.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Oikawa's half lidded eyes focus on his hot chocolate and he reaches for a spoon to mix the whipped cream into the beverage. Tapping the utensil against the rim, the sharp sound easily cuts through the dull chatter of the cafe. He sets it down and lifts the mug, finishing the rest of it in one gulp. And as Oikawa lowers the mug, right there in his line of sight is Semi Eita.

Oikawa realizes he's been a bad person, but he can't help but wonder when karma will stop punishing him.

Semi's staring right back before Oikawa can think about pretending he didn't see and hiding under the table and dying.

"…Hello," Oikawa says cheerfully with a happy smile because Oikawa is a cheerful and happy smiling person.

To his immense displeasure, Semi doesn't just walk away. It would be considered rude, but Oikawa really wouldn't mind. To add to his immense displeasure, Semi actually walks towards him. "…Why are you everywhere?"

"Well, I'd like to point out that I was here _first_. So really, the observation should be why you're following me everywhere."

"I'm not—" Semi starts but sighs. "…Never mind. Shouldn't you be with Iwaizumi?"

Oikawa tilts his head and frowns a little. His eyes narrow as he searches Semi's face, tries to figure out if he's kidding or not. It would be a mean joke but Oikawa feels Semi has the right to make some mean jokes. Semi's face is annoyingly difficult to read, so Oikawa decides to tread some waters. "Hm? That's an odd question. Shouldn't you be with Iwa-chan?"

Semi stares at him.

"…Uh, no. I don't make it a habit to hang out with my exes."

Iwaizumi tells Oikawa all the time that he's like some video game character. At first, Oikawa had assumed it was a compliment, like he was a superhero of some kind. But then Iwaizumi added that it was like lag, when they freeze in some ridiculous position or with some strange facial expression.

_"That's what you're like."_

So Oikawa doesn't know how much time has passed and he's not even sure what expression his face has chosen to present for several seconds, maybe nearing a minute. He clears his throat suddenly, entire body jolting. Semi also flinches and he's gone from suspicious to surprised, narrowed eyes to wide. Oikawa lifts a hand up before realizing he hadn't thought of something to do with it, so he lowers it.

He raises it again and straightens his mug, clearing his throat again. It feels like the world just exploded and of all the questions running through his mind, his stomach twists and wonders how Iwaizumi's feeling, how he wishes he could've known and done something to help. He's his best friend; that's what best friends do. They help each other through breakups. Iwaizumi's done that for him. Oikawa's tried his best to reciprocate.

His first question is if Iwaizumi's doing okay.

His second question is why he doesn't know.

His third question is one that he hates he wants to ask, so he doesn't and tries to ignore the hope in the pit of his stomach.

"You… you two broke up?" he asks daintily and clears his throat.

Semi seems taken aback and nods slowly.

"…He… he didn't tell you?"

Oikawa's smile is brief and he wonders if it's possible for hot chocolate to burn a hole in his chest.

He drops his eyes.

"…No. He didn't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when at first you don't succeed in updating on a timely basis... well, all that matters is that there was eventually an update hahaha. sorry for the delay, thank you for your patience ♡ kudos and comments appreciated!


	21. was it something i said?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i'm in love with you."

_Oikawa has never been self conscious about his ability to kiss._

_"Iwa-chan!"_

_"What is it?" Iwaizumi asks and Oikawa keeps smiling, almost bouncing in place as he waits for him. His hands separate from behind his back to tuck an escaped curl behind his ear without thinking twice about it, beaming as Iwaizumi approaches. He doesn't mind that Iwaizumi's scowling; he's almost always scowling and gets an extra wrinkle if it's because of Oikawa. Oikawa's named that specific wrinkle after himself, which earns him a sharp reprimand when he announces it. "I've got to study for the exam tomorrow."_

_Oikawa waves a hand nonchalantly. "Iwa-chan, we're best friends, right?" he asks casually once Iwaizumi's close enough, stepping to the side to not obstruct the other students' paths. Unlike Oikawa, Iwaizumi's considerate. Oikawa's always liked that about him, even if he often poked fun at it._

_"Yeah," Iwaizumi grumbles._

_"Forever?" he prompts._

_"Yeah," Iwaizumi and then he smirks. "I mean, it's already felt like an eternity with you."_

_Oikawa feigns being insulted, raising a hand to his heart and gasping dramatically. Iwaizumi rolls his eyes at his response. "That's mean!"_

_"You're annoying."_

_Oikawa huffs, hands on his hips. He'd been a little perturbed at Iwaizumi leaving without him; their walk home together has become something of a ritual and though usually it's just because Oikawa doesn't like walking along due to boredom, today he actually had something to ask Iwaizumi. He hears 'oi, Shittykawa, what do you want?' and looks back to him, grinning._

_Iwaizumi's got an incredibly sharp jawline, Oikawa muses._

_"Oh!" he brightens. "I needed to ask Iwa-chan a favor."_

_Iwaizumi regards him warily. A little annoyed, a little apprehensive, but he ultimately acquiesces with a nod. "All right."_

_Oikawa's smile doesn't waver, though he does take a step closer. "I have a date tonight and, well, I wanted to practice kissing beforehand!"_

_Oikawa's not a bad kisser. He's fairly sure of that, both from verbal compliments and the way girls look at him afterwards. But, truth to be told, it's been a while. And by a while, he means about three weeks since he's gone on a date or kissed anyone. He might be rusty by now and, honestly, Oikawa Tooru can't be known as a sloppy kisser. He blames volleyball and Iwaizumi for keeping him so busy. Sometimes both. Sometimes just Iwaizumi._

_Always including Iwaizumi._

_"…What?" Iwaizumi asks blankly._

_'Iwa-chan, we've kissed before," he explains nonchalantly, ignoring Iwaizumi's dumbstruck expression. "So will you?"_

_"Will I what?" he echoes._

_Oikawa feels like this conversation is a little one-sided. "Kiss me!"_

_"What the fuck?"_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because, didn't you hear my 'what the fuck'?"_

_"Iwa-chan!" he whines, but knows that Iwaizumi's given in when he sees him pinching the bridge of his nose. Oikawa's grinning again even before he gets Iwaizumi's verbal agreement, a tired 'all right' with a nod. It's normal for Iwaizumi to give into whatever Oikawa wants, but this time he feels a bit of extra elation._

_"Just… don't do anything… weird," Iwaizumi mumbles, but he steps forward. Most people have cleared out by now, so it's just the two of them and Oikawa's eyes are half lidded even before he leans in to kiss his best friend. He wonders why this is the first time the world's stopped for a kiss._

_The world's never stopped for a kiss, not even for their first kiss, which had been a way to make Oikawa shut up. So Oikawa's not sure if that even counts as a kiss because, if it doesn't, then this is their first kiss._

_Oikawa's kissed a decent number of people, more girls but also some boys. Compared to that initial kiss with Iwaizumi, those other ones were definitely better; instead of lips pressing to each other a bit too harshly, a bit too suddenly, most of them were planned and executed with a softness. There was also the fact that it was intended to be a kiss, which often made it a more pleasant experience for both parties._

_But if a firetruck drove by with its sirens blaring, Oikawa would notice._

_If a dog sat on his foot, Oikawa would notice._

_If his phone buzzed, Oikawa would notice._

_But right now, Oikawa thinks a hailstorm could commence and he wouldn't even realize, too involved in kissing Iwaizumi back. His smirk is short-lived; it disappears quickly so he can focus on the kiss. It leaves his stomach with a strange feeling, it leaves him feeling a little too warm. And yet, despite that, he finds himself wanting to kiss him more, wanting to kiss him longer._

_It makes him feel safe; something about kissing Iwaizumi and being so close to him makes him feel protected and secure. They're just barely hidden by greenery and the wall, but they're still in public, somewhere where anyone could see them. But that doesn't seem to matter to Oikawa, not when Iwaizumi takes his lip between his own, not when Oikawa does the same in return. He resists the urge to rest a hand on his face and when he pulls back, Iwaizumi's hands on his hips make him want to lean in again._

_"That good enough?" he hears Iwaizumi ask. He hums; it's really to buy time so he can think of an answer besides 'more than good.' Oikawa needs a moment to recalibrate himself to his surroundings; had it not been for Iwaizumi's hands, he may have swayed and instantly misses their touch when he pulls back. He smiles as he tilts his head, in a much, much better mood that he ever could've anticipated from just one kiss._

_Is that what kisses are supposed to feel like?_

_"It was! You know, Iwa-chan, you actually surprised me, I didn't know you could kiss that well! Have you been practicing with someone else? That's rude, you should tell me about these kinds of things. Anyway, do you want to get some ice cream? A new place opened up and it's right by where I normally get milk bread so—"_

_"…Fuck."_

_Oikawa blinks and tilts his head. Iwaizumi's staring at him, but instead of stare one (where he's about to hit him) or stare two (where he's about to go off on him) or stare three (where he's just in absolute disbelief), it's a new stare that Oikawa decides he needs a name for._

_Regardless, he reacts the same way he always does: a little frown and a tilt of his head._

_"Don't worry, Iwa-chan. You're not that bad of a kisser."_

* * *

There had been a time where Oikawa was terrified he'd prove himself to be an awful person by feeling relief at hearing of Iwaizumi and Semi's break up. He didn't want to know the answer to the hypothetical and tried to push it into the farther recesses of the mind, but every so often he'd stop to wonder.

He'd imagine the break up, try to decide what he'd feel. He'd never felt elated at the thought; his gut would always twist, his heart would ache, and he'd try to think about something else instead because once he imagined Iwaizumi being heartbroken, he'd feel his own heart shatter.

But then it happened and Oikawa felt nothing.

Even after Semi mumbled an excuse and left, Oikawa had remained sitting at the café, breathing shallow as he stared at his mug, feeling his skin prickle delicately as blood rushed through his ears. It didn't make sense, he thought. If they'd broken up, why hadn't Iwaizumi told him? He'd made no mention of it, and now Oikawa was left wondering how long it had been, if Iwaizumi had ever intended on telling him.

Closing his eyes and forcing a deep, proper breath, Oikawa reaches his trembling hand for his phone. He slips the device out of his pocket and brushes his thumb over the screen, watching it spring to life. But after staring blankly at it for a good ten seconds, he sets it down again; he doesn't know whom to text. Iwaizumi's out of the question; if he didn't tell him, he didn't want him to know. Did Kuroo know? Oikawa's gut twists to think he did, that Kuroo and Kenma knew, but he didn't. The logic extends to the rest of their mutual friends. How many people knew?

Had everyone known except him?

_Why?_

Through middle school, high school, and even college, Iwaizumi had been Oikawa's first phone call or text whenever something happened. If Oikawa could help it, Iwaizumi heard about everything  _first_  and directly from him. They were best friends. Best friends told each other everything; there was nobody Oikawa trusted more and nobody who'd even come close. And it had seemed like it was the same way for Iwaizumi; his life was, naturally, much less dramatic than Oikawa's, but every so often, he'd get a ' _got a second?'_  text and he'd drop everything to take the call or text back. Distance had never affected their friendship; in some ways, their constant communication let Oikawa forget just how far away they were. But when they'd see each other during visits or breaks, he'd realize just how badly he missed him.

So knowing that it seemed like he was the only one who didn't know about the breakup  _hurt_  more than he ever thought possible.

Standing and trying to steady his shaking legs, Oikawa fishes out the appropriate bills and leaves them on the table. He stumbles a bit as he makes his way out of the café, breathing once again uneven as he weaves his way through Tokyo's busy streets towards his apartment. His fingers itch for his phone, but he resists. He doesn't know who to text. He doesn't know what to text. He doesn't know if he should.

Iwaizumi hadn't told him, so no matter how badly he wanted to know, he can't bring himself to ask, to tell him he knows something Iwaizumi hadn't wanted him to.

Shoulder jerking back from a sudden impact, Oikawa mumbles a gruff apology at whoever he walked into, unable to help his brow knitting at black dress shoes and black pants revealing white socks.  _What kind of idiot—_

"Oikawa?"

His heart sinks and his eyes shoot up at the voice.

"…Iwa-chan?"

Oikawa manages to smile despite feeling like he'd been sucker-punched. But the smile is short-lived; he sees the worried crease on Iwaizumi's brow deepen. He flinches a little when Iwaizumi's hand brushes his arm and wordlessly understands, moving out of the way of the other pedestrians. Hands in his pockets, he kicks at the ground and leans against the wall. The fabric of his jacket catches against the rough texture of the bricks and he straightens after a second, takes in Iwaizumi's appearance and then mentally berates himself for not immediately remembering. "Aah, that's right… interviews today, right? You applied to the doctorate program after all? Didn't anyone ever teach Iwa-chan to not wear white socks with black shoes?" he teases, trying to inject as much natural inflection into his tone as he can. The last thing Iwaizumi needs is to worry about Oikawa on an important day, but since he's Iwaizumi, he'll worry regardless.

"Ran out of clothes," Iwaizumi mumbles, shifting uncomfortably and Oikawa feels bad for his teasing. Someone bumps into him and he takes a step closer to Oikawa. There's still a reasonable distance between them, but Oikawa feels his heart skip a beat as he catches a whiff of a cologne he doesn't recognize.  _Did he buy it just for this? Or maybe Semi bought it for him…?_

"You okay?" Iwaizumi asks, turning to face him and Oikawa barely manages to keep from jolts. "You seem a little—"

"Iwa-chan has another interview today, right? I remember he said he had two or three today," Oikawa interrupts, flashing a smile. "Don't be late, yeah? I'm fine!"

Iwaizumi hesitates, brow knitting and not moving back despite there being fewer people now. "It's in an hour. I've got—"

"You should tell Semi-chan how your first one went, yeah?" Oikawa says before he can help himself. It's petty and it's passive aggressive, but Oikawa couldn't help the innocently posed question from slipping out. Maybe Iwaizumi just didn't have a chance to tell him, he thought. Their relationship as of late has rendered any discussions related to anything romantic a bit stilted and awkward, but this gives him an opening.

He waits and holds his breath.

Iwaizumi inhales and nods curtly, looking away. "…Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'll call him now."

The silence is deafening. Oikawa's eyes linger on him for a moment longer before they drop as well.

"…Yeah, that's good. Good luck with your next one."

* * *

_He knows, doesn't he?_

Iwaizumi blows his second, and last, interview of the day. And as he walks out of the room, he doesn't care one bit.

One hand loosening his tie as he checks his phone for any unread messages and ignoring his twisting gut, Iwaizumi's peripheral vision catches sight of someone almost too late. He swerves at the last second and when he looks up to apologize, his eyes widen to see Semi. It takes him a moment to recollect himself but he clears his throat and nods. "Hey. Sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it," Semi says, flashing a smile before turning to leave. Iwaizumi does the same but calls his name out, surprising both of them. He hesitates before turning to see Semi blink.

"Yeah?"

"Uh… you… haven't seen Oikawa today by chance, right?" he tries.

"Oh. Actually, yeah, I did. I thought he already knew we broke up, but…"

Semi's mouth keeps moving but Iwaizumi barely hears him anymore, just nods and manages 'yeah, it's cool' and waits until Semi's rounded the corner and disappeared to exhale shakily, pinching the bridge of his nose.  _Fuck. I knew it._

Oikawa looking like that.

Oikawa's lingering gaze.

Oikawa bringing up Semi.

_Of course he knew._

Cursing under his breath again, Iwaizumi backs up until he hits a wall, collapsing weakly and bringing a hand up to cover his face. "Goddamnit…"

The hallway should be empty by now, but he hears an annoying laugh. "I mean… it couldn't have gone that badly."

Iwaizumi looks over to see Kuroo taking a seat next to him in his sweater and jeans and Iwaizumi shifts in his suit uncomfortably. He gives a good natured grin, but settles in as though he's preparing for a long talk. "I mean, you mess one up, you've got your other ones, right?"

Iwaizumi drops his hand and stares straight ahead with a heavy sigh. "…Oikawa knows."

For all the times Kuroo's been annoyingly dense, there are times when he's as sharp as his grades would imply. His eyes widen and then he whistles, leaning back to rest his head against the wall. Iwaizumi can see his shoulders slump as he rests his forearms on his knees. "Ah. Fuck, indeed. He told you?"

"Semi did," Iwaizumi mutters. "Guess he bumped into Oikawa and he just told me about it. I even saw him earlier today. I thought something was wrong… he mentioned Semi and I just… that was him testing me, right?"

"I mean, when you put it that way, it sounds kind of bad…" Kuroo notes, "but, yeah. I mean, wouldn't you? You find out your best friend hasn't told you something, but you don't want to straight up ask. So you set up a perfect opportunity for them to see if they'll tell you or not. And you lied, didn't you?"

"I wouldn't have if I knew he knew the truth."

Iwaizumi realizes how stupid a thing that was to say right after he hears it himself. Swearing again, he pushes his bangs out of the way and stares at the floor. He can't stop remembering Oikawa's expression, half of him blaming himself for not pushing, the other half hating himself for not telling him in the first place. Did Oikawa know, then, that he'd been lying the entire time every time he asked about Semi? He must've; he imagined from the moment Semi told him, Oikawa immediately thought about every time Iwaizumi had waved off a question or made up a general but believable answer.

He didn't  _mean_  to lie to Oikawa, but he just never found the right way to tell him. It finally felt like things were returning to normal; his life was coming back together, and didn't want this to rip open a still healing wound. His feelings towards Oikawa hadn't changed; those feelings were what eventually caused his break up with Semi and if Oikawa knew that...

He sighs shakily. Iwaizumi can't imagine that Semi would have told Oikawa he was the reason, but knowing Oikawa, he most likely already assumed the guilt the moment he found out of the break up.

"…How mad do you think he is?" he asks finally, breaking the silence.

Kuroo shrugs. "I don't think he's mad, honestly. I do think he's hurt."

Iwaizumi buries his face in his folded arms, his next exhale deepening the dip between his shoulder blades. His chest burns.

He hears Kuroo hum. "Yeah," Kuroo drawls. "You'd rather have him mad, huh?"

"Yeah. I can apologize if he's mad. I can let him hit me. I can let him yell at me," Iwaizumi mumbles. "But if he's hurt… I can't do anything to help him feel better. Even if I apologize… I mean, it's already been done. All I can do is talk to him and explain and hope that's enough."

Oikawa's got relatively thick skin, something a lot of people are surprised by. He's good at brushing off baseless hate,will use critique to improve himself, and doesn't wallow on insults. But when he is hurt, he takes it extremely personally. Iwaizumi's the same way; if almost nothing bothers him, then what does bother him can almost be overwhelming.

He hates that he hurt Oikawa.

Kuroo nods his approval at Iwaizumi's plan, then frowns.

"…What's your explanation?"

Iwaizumi sighs weakly.

"Haven't gotten that far."

Offering a sympathetic smile, Kuroo ruffles Iwaizumi's hair and laughs when he weakly moves his head away. "I really do think that Oikawa gets it, though," he says. "This situation is hard. He's got to understand that. He's got to have tried to see it from your perspective to understand why you didn't tell him."

Iwaizumi looks up with a tired nod. "I know. He's not entirely unreasonable and stupid. But it doesn't matter. He's hurt. He can't help it. I would be, too. If I were him, I don't even know what I'd want to hear me say."

He falls silent. Kuroo shifts a little, his shoes squeaking against the floor, and the silence that follows is suffocating. Iwaizumi closes his eyes and when he opens them again, he stares at a mark probably made from someone sprinting to avoid being late. He still feels nauseous, but he feels more grounded than before, now that he's had an opportunity to process that Oikawa knows. He keeps repeating himself, but the stinging never lessens.

"I never wanted to be the person who hurt him," Iwaizumi mumbles in a small voice.

Kuroo looks over with a gentle smile.

"Trust me, Iwaizumi. Everyone knows that."

* * *

_"It's because of Iwaizumi-san."_

_Glad that Iwaizumi's waiting at the school gates instead of outside the classroom, Oikawa blinks, admittedly caught off guard during an otherwise ordinary break up. "…Eh?"_

_Sniffling, the girl wipes her eyes and looks away. From that morning, when he'd found a note from her in his locker asking to meet after school, he'd had a feeling it was time for this. Oikawa had been through a good number of break ups (most of them with him being dumped) and it had gotten to the point where he was used to getting the note, but he'd always dread it._

_And yet, he never argued or shifted blame, because they were always right. Volleyball was his focus._

_But "it's because of Iwaizumi" was a first._

_"…I've seen how you act around him and how you look at him, Tooru," she says softly. "And… you've never looked at me that way."_

_Oikawa begins reaching out for her hand—he always hates it when anyone starts crying—but remembers that he's being dumped and thinks better of it. His eyes drop. His heart aches; he's been accused of being heartless, but he's never dated anyone if he didn't actually care for them. If anyone asked if he'd choose his current partner or Iwaizumi, he'd always answer Iwaizumi, but that never meant he didn't care for them._

_Because for someone like Oikawa, someone so wary to really trust, to even edge towards trying, dating someone and making the effort meant a lot more than most people would even consider._

_He's used to being accused of prioritizing volleyball over people; that's something he can handle. But having Iwaizumi be brought up in this conversation is a first and leaves Oikawa feeling a bit uncomfortable._

_"…Ah," Oikawa said quietly, looking down with a smile. "…I'm sorry that I made you feel this way during our relationship."_

_"But the other thing…" she started and he looked up in surprise, seeing her bite her lip and clench her fists in her lap. "…A relationship hits a standstill when you stop trusting each other. And… we hit that, Tooru."_

_He blinked. "You don't trust me?"_

_"No._ You _don't trust me," she corrects, looking up. "I care about you, so if you're in pain, I want to help you. But you never let me do that."_

_Her eyes fell to her lap again._

_"You… always push people away, whether you think you'll get hurt or if you'll hurt them."_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_sup?_

**From: Tetsu-chan**

_okay sorry that was lame. how are you doing?_

Kuroo's text goes unanswered.

Watching the volleyball fly straight up, Oikawa catches it easily with the tips of his fingers and repeats the motion, remembers when he'd used to toss to Iwaizumi and feel so proud to watch  _his_  ace hit the toss perfectly.

Oikawa's heart aches.

After he'd gotten home in a daze, Oikawa had dug an old volleyball out of the closet and laid down on the floor, tossing it up and down, a habit he'd had since high school. He'd halfheartedly glanced at Kuroo's texts when they lit up his phone but hadn't moved to answer, just turned it face down on the carpet before going back to tossing the volleyball.

He tries to reason with himself. Iwaizumi has no obligation to tell Oikawa of the breakup. It isn't the sort of thing he'd bring up and even if there had been times he had the chance, the ensuing conversation likely would've been uncomfortable and Iwaizumi just wanted to spare them of it.

But even as he reminds himself of these things over and over again, Oikawa still can't help but feel his heart break a little to remember  _he_  was the only one who didn't know. No matter what he does and what he thinks, he can't stop being hurt, almost wishes Semi hadn't stopped by the café today. It's ridiculous. He knows he shouldn't feel this way, but he does and he can't help but admit that it affects him much more than he feels he has the right to.

His gut twists again. He catches the ball one final time and sits up when he feels a wave of nausea, swearing and running his fingers through his hair. He shouldn't be upset, he tries telling himself again. He doesn't have a right to be upset; this hadn't been his relationship, this wasn't his business. It was Iwaizumi's business; Oikawa's not supposed to have such a strong opinion about Iwaizumi's relationship.

Except, a small voice interjects, isn't that normal for a best friend?

Iwaizumi didn't date much; Oikawa realizes he's never been in this position before. Iwaizumi's been in it plenty of times, but Oikawa's heartache has never exactly lasted for more than a few days. He'd always understood why he was dumped; there was never any resentment towards his past lovers because deep down, he'd realized they were absolutely right: it wasn't fair to be with someone and know they wanted something (or someone) else more.

Half-lidded eyes stare at his carpet, and Oikawa wonders when the last time he'd vacuumed. He instinctively pats the back of his head, hoping there's no lint stuck there.

He abruptly realizes never, because Iwaizumi did the vacuuming.

Oikawa's hand moves from his hair to his chest, clutching over where his heart is. Is this what it's like to love someone more than the moon and stars? He hadn't thought it would hurt this much; he hadn't thought that every single thing Iwaizumi did would affect him to this degree, even if it didn't involve him.

Except, he realizes with a start, that it does.

Everything had been about him, all because he threw a childish temper tantrum. He'd been scared of losing Iwaizumi, terrified of losing him to the possibility of romance and he'd hurt him without intending to. Even now, what if their breakup had been because of him?

What if Oikawa is the reason Iwaizumi could never be happy?

His next breath comes out as a choked gasp. Oikawa swallows thickly and groans, burying his face in his hands.

_Oikawa stares at her a bit breathlessly, but recovers and smiles. "What are you talking about? Is this your way of saying you wished we'd been closer?"_

_"No," she says and Oikawa's smile falters. "I'm worried about you, Tooru. Because If Iwaizumi-san is the only person you trust… if one day, for some reason, you lose him, you don't have anyone."_

_Oikawa tilts his head. "You think I'd lose Iwa-chan?" he asks, keeping his voice light and teasing but with a strained smile._

_"I know that you push people away if they get too close or if you think they're better off without you," she answers. "I've seen it happen; you've been through countless break-ups."_

_"I'd like to point out most of those were due to my volleyball passion."_

_"Then why didn't that eclipse the relationship from the start?" she asks and Oikawa falters. "Something happens at some point because you're a sweet, caring person, Tooru. It's when you push people away that they leave, but you feel okay with it because you chose that, right? But you've known Iwaizumi-san your whole life… if one day you push even him away because I know you'd never let yourself be the reason holding him back…"_

_She heaves a sigh and looks down at her hands. "We may not have worked out, but I still care about you. I don't want you to be so scared about hurting him that you isolate yourself. Don't give up your happiness for a hypothetical heartbreak."_

_With the way she's talking, he can't help but think about Iwaizumi. It's rare for anyone to speak so openly to him; normally, only Iwaizumi has that kind of courage. In fact, her courage had been one of the reasons Oikawa had started liking her._

_Smiling again, but this time genuinely, he reaches across the table to brush his fingers over her knuckles and takes her hand momentarily before pulling back._

_"…Thank you," he says softly. "Really. I'm touched by how much you care. But you don't have to worry. If I can help it, I'll never lose Iwa-chan."_

_And the way she looks at him has Oikawa faltering again._

_"That's what I'm worried about."_

Opening his eyes, Oikawa looks over at his phone. He reaches out to turn it over and feels his heart flip to see a new notification join Kuroo's. Immediately, his thumb swipes on it and he brings it closer to him, swallowing thickly.

**From: Iwa-chan**

_can we talk?_

* * *

Iwaizumi doesn't know how he knows to look up the moment Oikawa steps in.

He'd asked him to meet at a coffee shop on campus, figuring that asking if he could come over would be too presumptuous, and not wanting Hanamaki to come back in the middle of their conversation. Oikawa had answered asking if they could meet in a few days, since it was getting late, and Iwaizumi was more than relieved as he replied that that was fine.

Iwaizumi had never been one to put important discussions off, no matter how much he dreaded them. And knowing Oikawa is upset is just another reason he wasted no time. He isn't even sure what he's going to say even with the additional time; he just knows he has to do something. He can't sit around knowinghe'd hurt Oikawa and hadn't done anything immediately.

It;s still morning and the café isladen with students trying to get their caffeine fix before their first class, resulting in a lot of bustling and yelling of orders and names. But somehow, Iwaizumi just knows to look up, the way Oikawa instinctively knows where he was sitting. Their eyes lock and Iwaizumi's stomach flips.

Nodding in response to Oikawa's 'good morning,' Iwaizumi clears his throat and sits up a little straighter when Oikawa takes a seat. "…So," he starts. "Semi told you."

Oikawa nods, not meeting his gaze.

And that's it. Iwaizumi hasn't prepared any sort of speech. He could barely sleep that night, too nervous for this conversation that clearly is not going very well. Drumming his fingers against the table, he stops shaking his leg when he sees the leaves of the small plant décor trembling. He licks his lips nervously, but before he can resort to cliché small talk, he hears Oikawa's voice.

He'd been different from the moment he walked in - subdued, and hardly looking at Iwaizumi. Even now, his shoulders are slumped; it breaks Iwaizumi's heart to see him like this. Oikawa doesn't show he's hurt often, but when he does, it means that he just can't pretend he isn't.

 _That_  hurts more than anything else.

"Why?" Oikawa asks, voice soft.

Iwaizumi swallows thickly. "…I should've told you from the beginning. I don't know why I didn't, but…"

He trails off when he sees Oikawa shaking his head, "Not that," he says quietly, "you… you didn't have to tell me until you were ready. I mean… why did you break up?"

Iwaizumi has to admit he's surprised at the question, but remembering how Oikawa had tried so hard to keep them together, he supposes he should've expected it. He bites his lip and clears his throat. "We're… just different. Not compatible."

A reasonable enough answer, but he can tell Oikawa doesn't buy it.

"Look, that's not the point," Iwaizumi tries to change the subject. "I'm sorry for not—"

"But you and Semi-chan  _were_  compatible," Oikawa interrupts and Iwaizumi feels a vein twitch, annoyed at Oikawa for continuing to insert himself into a relationship he'd unknowingly played a huge role in from the start, "you two were happy, right? What changed?"

And it's when he sees Oikawa look up that Iwaizumi's stomach sinks, because Oikawa knows. He knows Oikawa knows and Oikawa knows he knows. Oikawa can be ridiculously dense and downright stupid sometimes, but then, like Kuroo, there are moments when he can be sharp and piece together even the tiniest of hints.

Oikawa knows he's why Iwaizumi and Semi broke up; Iwaizumi can tell by the guilt pervading his features. He's waiting for Iwaizumi to confirm it, but he can't bring himself to, not when he knows admitting that would hurt Oikawa even more.

Breath catching in his throat, Iwaizumi looks away. "That's not important."

"Then why won't you answer?"

"You're strangely obsessed with the relationship."

"I wanted you to be happy," Oikawa answers. "You seemed happy."

Chewing on his lip, Iwaizumi looks up. He's only half all right with what he's about to accuse, but it slips from his tongue before he can help it: "Did you want me to be happy or did you just want me to get over you?"

Oikawa's eyes widen and Iwaizumi immediately hates himself for hurting him— _again_.

"…What?"

"I mean," Iwaizumi rushes, "I know you don't feel the same way. And I know you don't want to lose what we have, and I don't either. But if that's it… just because I date someone else doesn't mean I'm over you. It's not that easy."

"I just want you to be happy," Oikawa says slowly, brow knitting and voice hardening. "I… you really see me as that selfish? That I want to pawn your feelings off on someone else?"

When Oikawa echoes it back, Iwaizumi realizes how insulting a question it had been and recoils.

"Of course not—"

"You really think I'm like that?" Oikawa asks, voice tight. "You think…"

"You're blowing this way out of proportion," Iwaizumi tries, feeling a twinge of annoyance. "You took that the wrong way, okay? That's not what I meant—"

"Well, it sure as hell sounded like it."

Iwaizumi's eyes narrow. "I know for a fact that clearly my having feelings for you has been inconvenient—"

"Of course it's inconvenient," Oikawa snaps, "knowing the person I'm in love with feels that way about me but I can't  _do_  anything about it!"

"You're—"

Iwaizumi stops.

"…You're  _what_?"

Iwaizumi's felt time come to a damn near standstill to draw out only two other moments in his life in excruciating detail:

One: when they lose to Shiratorizawa and he'd seen Oikawa's expression, at that moment vowed to never ever disappoint him.

Two: when he realized he was in love with his best friend, hopelessly and irrevocably so.

The world has stopped again and time has slowed, but it's not painful. It's not excruciating. It's…

Unbelievable.

Oikawa has his eyes closed and he inhales slowly, then pinches the bridge of his nose as he exhales, clearly not having meant to say that. Iwaizumi's ears are still ringing in disbelief as he stares at Oikawa across the table, waiting for him to say something. Wanting to hear it again, just to make sure he wasn't going crazy.

Because… maybe he is.

"…I'm in love with you," Oikawa breathes slowly, looking up to meet his gaze after a moment and offering a sheepish smile. "…Can't exactly play that off now, can I? Not after blurting it out like that…"

The world starts spinning and even when Iwaizumi closes his eyes, he still feels dizzy. Realizing his throat's dry, Iwaizumi reaches out for a water only to realize he doesn't have any. Raising his hand for a waitress's attention, he clears his throat. "Uh one—you want one?—why not, two glasses of water, please."

Oikawa seems dryly amused but doesn't say anything and Iwaizumi's gaze doesn't linger on him longer than he needs to. He's not sure where to look, ends up focusing on the spot where his water will be. His chest burns. His ears ring. His skin feels on fire. And yet, all he can focus on is his hands twitching and he folds them to keep from reaching towards Oikawa because all Iwaizumi ever wants to do is kiss him and the confession hasn't helped that at all.

When the waters come, Iwaizumi finishes half of his in one gulp, but it's still hard to talk. Dragging his thumb along the surface and wiping away some of the condensation, he swallows again. "…Was this recent? Or…"

"Around the time you started dating Semi," Oikawa says quietly, fidgeting in his seat.

Iwaizumi nods slowly. "When you returned my pen…"

"It… wasn't really about the pen."

Oikawa takes a deep breath and Iwaizumi accidentally looks up when he does, their eyes meeting. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to be why you two broke up," he says softly. "But I was anyway, wasn't I?"

Iwaizumi can't bring himself to answer. Oikawa's long fingers dance along his water glass and seem to be drawing designs in the condensation. Iwaizumi doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say. His mind is still reeling in disbelief to think Oikawa has felt this way for so long. He thought Oikawa trying so hard to keep him and Semi together had been him being a good friend, but knowing he felt this way and tried regardless…

His chest seizes.

"You…" he tries and licks his lips. "…You're really…"

"Yeah," Oikawa says, smiles gently. "…I am. Sorry."

Of course he'd apologize, Iwaizumi thinks. Stupid Oikawa would apologize after doing all those stupid things, being his stupid self. He's stupidly apologize for something he had no control over, blame himself for causing a breakup that Iwaizumi, on some level, had known to be inevitable.

"Hajime," Oikawa says, and Iwaizumi feels goosebumps lighting his skin as he watches him continue to wipe the glass clean, "…you're my best friend. I treated you so awfully after you confessed because I was so wrapped up in the idea of losing you that I didn't think about you at all. I was selfish. …We grew up together, you know? I only know the world as it is with you in it. You  _are_  my entire world and because you've always been by my side; I took that for granted. I was so focused on not losing you I didn't realize how lucky I was to have you all this time and it took you pulling away to realize…"

He breaks off and rubs the back of his neck, the beginnings of a blush painting his pale cheeks.

"…To realize that I've been in love with you for a long time. That I can't even remember a time when I wasn't in love with you, even if it took me this long to realize it," he says and Iwaizumi's heart almost skips. "You've been there through everything, through the doctors appointments, through my temper tantrums, through everything with me. You've been my pillar this entire time and I can't imagine how my life would've been without you. I don't want to imagine it because this life, with you in it, is where I'm happiest. When you're happy, I'm happy," he says and smiles a little and Iwaizumi finds himself lingering on his lips a moment too long.

"But…" Iwaizumi swallows thickly again, "if you told me…"

"I was afraid you would break up with Semi-chan because of me," he said, biting his lip and looking away. "Or even  _for_  me. I know that's selfish and presumptuous to assume—"

 _It's not,_  was Iwaizumi's immediate thought.

"—but I didn't want to be the reason why you and Semi-chan ended. What if you two were meant for each other?" he asked, his expression paining Iwaizumi. "What if I ruined what was supposed to be your epic romance? I didn't want to risk it and after how I treated you, I didn't deserve you. Or a chance with you. You seemed happy. After everything you went through, you deserved that."

Iwaizumi's still stunned; he can't bring himself to formulate a coherent thought or speak. All he can do is focus on Oikawa's words, hang onto every last one, and feel his heart race furiously in his chest, wondering if this is real, how this is real.

Because after pining for this boy for years, he can't believe that Oikawa feels the same way. It's something he's never let himself dwell on because he didn't want to get his hopes up. He'd tried to remain as realistic as possible and while he'd hoped his feelings were returned when he confessed, he never  _imagined_  they actually would be.

Oikawa's hand is shaking when he brings it up to rub his face tiredly and Iwaizumi suddenly realizes how he looks. He looks exhausted and…  _matured_. Oikawa has an eternally youthful face; to Iwaizumi, the high school and undergraduate and now graduate version of himself all looked the same. But now he sees the maturity defining his features, the way his smiles are slighter, how his eyes have lost that gleam from the bug hunting days. He's really grown up; he's not the same naïve, immature kid he was in middle school, even high school. He's still got his moments, but, all in all, he's grown up and he's trying.

"Aaah, damn, I must sound lame…" Oikawa mumbles, managings a small laugh. When he looks up again, Iwaizumi is relieved to see his small smile as he leans forward, elbows on the table and palm cradling his chin, other hand drumming on the table. "I was scared when I realized it. Tetsu-chan was there. I bet he was dying to say 'I told you so' but he was surprisingly nice about it. When I was running everywhere to find you, I had so much adrenaline pumping through my body that I didn't have time to be scared. It was only after when I realized, because… because it's terrifying. We're best friends, but being in love with someone opens a whole new world of vulnerability and even though I was terrified at the idea, knowing that I was in love with you… it made it a little less scary. Because I trust you wholeheartedly. I knew you'd never hurt me on purpose, that you'd always be there for me." He smiles cheerfully enough, but Iwaizumi's heart breaks a little.

"When you said we were over… " he continues, looking away, "when you moved out, that terrified me. Because I could never imagine a world without you. I can't imagine living a life where I couldn't reach out to you. Not even for support, just… reach out and see how you were doing. Knowing you exist in my life is enough for me. I know it's selfish, but… but I can't lose you. Ever. And I don't mean romantically. I mean… I mean in life. You're my everything. You're my entire life. Our relationship is something that I want to have until I die because, to me, we're forever. You and I are a forever. We're endless. And even though I want to be with you… what I want most is for you to be happy."

He grins, but Iwaizumi's seen that grin before, knows he's not truly happy.

"What I feel for you… it's like what I felt for everyone I've ever dated put together, and then multiplied by infinity. It's so much, it's overwhelming. Sometimes it's like I can't breathe, but at the same time, feeling this way about you, it… it makes me feel alive in a way I didn't know possible. I'm really rambling now, aren't I? So uncool, just like Iwa-chan…"

"So… when I was with Semi…" Iwaizumi starts slowly, swallowing, "it was… you thought…"

"I thought," Oikawa interrupted gently, "that this might be your shot for what everyone's looking for, and I didn't want to mess it up. But it looks like I did anyway."

And the way he looks down makes time slow, drag out the moment in excruciating detail, leaves Iwaizumi feeling more broken than after the Shiratorizawa loss and his own realization put together.

But just as Iwaizumi's about to try to say it's not, a waitress bumps into him, one of the drinks falling and spilling on his arm. Startled, Iwaizumi shakes his head and manages an 'it's fine' at her flustered apology. She promises cookies on the house, to which Iwaizumi manages a grateful smile and nod. When he turns back to face Oikawa, he blinks to see him standing. "Wait—"

"Sorry, Iwa-chan," he says quietly, averting his gaze. "I've got class. You do, too, actually."

"Fuck class," Iwaizumi grumbles. "We have to talk—"

"I'm in love with you."

Breathless, Iwaizumi forgets what he's about to say and just stares. Oikawa stares back, before giving an impish grin and rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "Sorry, I… just wanted to say that after thinking it all this time. I ended up saying everything else, so why not, right?"

And the way he smiles is so blinding, the way  _I'm in love with you_  sounds when he says it, that Iwaizumi is left stunned, realizes Oikawa's left only a moment too late. Jerking, he stands to see him walk out the door. But as he starts heading towards him, the waitress's bright 'here are your cookies!' interrupts him and he flinches. "Goddamn—wait, not you, sorry—fuckin' Asskawa-!"

The brown bag holding the cookies crumples under his grip.

" _You don't walk out on someone after saying all that shit_!"

* * *

"Hey, spiky-haired bastard!"

Kuroo grins, then hesitates as he lowers his hand.

"…Wait, I couldn't have done anything to you yet. I haven't even seen you today."

"Where's Oikawa?"

Kuroo knows. Iwaizumi knows Kuroo knows because Kuroo can't lie. He's never bothered to ask if it's a moral thing, so he doesn't even try, or if he's just that bad at it. But when Kuroo looks away and back to his book, Iwaizumi's got half a mind to flip the bench he's sitting on.

"Oi!" Iwaizumi snaps. "I know you—"

"What's it about?" Kuroo asks instead, closing his book and looking up with a smirk. "Maybe we can swap secrets. Oikawa told me not to tell but, hey, what've you got?"

Iwaizumi makes a mental note to remember this next time he swears Kuroo to secrecy.

Internally struggling with aimlessly sprinting around campus or playing Kuroo's little game, Iwaizumi gives in and takes a seat next to him. While Kuroo's leaned back, ankle over a knee with a lazy smirk, Iwaizumi leans forward with his head in his hands,elbows on his knees. "…He confessed to me."

Kuroo hums and Iwaizumi nearly stomps on his foot.

"Of course you knew, sneaky asshole."

"Hey, sometimes I'll keep secrets for real. He told me not to tell and I didn't tell."

Iwaizumi hears the book being set aside and Kuroo sighs with a stretch, draping his arms over the back of the bench. "Mm… so? What're you going to say when you find him? Oikawa's vulnerable right now. Not going to send you to him if you're going to rip him a new one."

"That's inevitable," Iwaizumi mumbles and Kuroo laughs dryly, "and… I don't know. I haven't thought it through, I just… I need to see him. Our conversation couldn't have just ended there."

"You don't want to take a few days to process?" Kuroo asks. "Now that you have all the information…"

"No," Iwaizumi answers immediately. Biting his lip, he drops his hands and loosely laces his fingers together as he looks straight ahead with a shaky sigh. "I've wasted enough time not being with him. If he feels the same way… if he feels the same way and he wants to, then I'm not letting another damn day go by."

He doesn't have to look over to know Kuroo's face has split into a grin, that sort of shit-eating grin that pisses Iwaizumi off. "So you do still want to be with him after all," he says, sounding annoyingly proud.

"Shut up," he grumbles but can't help a small laugh. He hadn't allowed himself to dwell in the thought, but if Oikawa wanted to be with him, just imagining being with him…

It made his knees go weak.

"I can't help it," Iwaizumi says. "He's… he's Oikawa. He's the love of my life. There's never going to be someone who replaces him. It's  _always_  going to be him for me. He's made mistakes, but when he realizes it, he works doubly hard to try and make up for it and that's all you can expect from someone, right? He's stupid, he's childish, he runs away, but… he comes back. He always comes back. And that's how I know I can trust him."

Kuroo hums and Iwaizumi can see him shaking his foot from the corner of his eye. "And what if one day he runs away for good?"

"He won't," Iwaizumi answers confidently.

"How do you know that?"

"Because I trust him to always come back."

Kuroo hums again, nodding as he sighs and tilts his head back to stare upwards at the sky through the leaves. "Must be annoying though, to keep chasing him. You're still going after him when he confessed but didn't act on it?"

Iwaizumi takes a moment. He closes his eyes and hangs his head. "…He's scared," he starts slowly, "and I only know that because I grew up with him. For him to even confess… I don't think he was expecting to. And he carries this ridiculous amount of guilt. He vilifies himself more than he'd ever do to anyone else. He's the type of person who puts his happiness last, so… someone's gotta take care of him. He's always considering mine, so I'm always considering his. And… he's worth it."

"He still makes you happy?" Kuroo murmurs.

Without missing a beat: "Always."

Kuroo hums again; Iwaizumi doesn't remember him humming this much, but he currently doesn't mind. He watches a kid drop his scoop of ice cream and start crying, only for the girl he's with to silently hand him hers, smiling brightly. Iwaizumi can't help but laugh when he sees the kid stop crying and take her hand as they walked off together sharing the ice cream, remembering how that's how he had calmed down Oikawa once, when they were in high school.

He looks over. "So? That good enough for you to sell out Oikawa?"

Kuroo's lopsided smirk widens, nods as he opens his book and leans back in the bench.

"He's just at home, hiding from everyone. But just so you know, I was going to tell you where he was either way. And…"

Iwaizumi stands, but he stops and turns.

Kuroo grins.

"Make sure you let him know I said 'I told you so,' all right?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... hi... i realize i last updated (more than?) half a year ago... but, see, what matters is that no matter what i do (like oikawa) i come back eventually (like oikawa). if all goes according to plan, this fic will wrap up in one (or two) chapters and if you're still here reading this, thank you so much for your support and patience. this fic honestly would not still be going had it not been for your loyalty.
> 
> thank you for reading! good to see you again ♥ as usual, kudos/comments make me happy and give me a chance to apologize for the ridiculously long wait hahah


	22. something i never did

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwaizumi doesn't open his eyes, but when he feels oikawa lace their fingers together, he smiles.

_"I'm Tooru! Oikawa! Tooru! Oikawa Tooru!"_

_Iwaizumi Hajime is confused aboutwhy the kid he's been playing with his entire three years of existence is suddenly introducing himself. His lips purse, but he relaxes the expression when he sees Oikawa's mother approaching from behind, laughing gently and ruffling Oikawa's hair. He makes a small sound of irritation, nose scrunching and hands waving to try and get her to stop, to no avail._

_"Tooru-chan, Hajime-chan remembers who you are… we've only been gone a month on vacation."_

_Iwaizumi brightens, sitting a bit straighter. That's right; they'd been on vacation. No wonder he hasn't been playing with Oikawa lately. It's almost strange to not have his sand castles stepped on all the time. It makes building them too easy. Oikawa looks like he's had an epiphany as pink lips form an 'o' shape and he nods enthusiastically. When his mother leaves to join Iwaizumi's mother on a bench, Oikawa takes a seat next to his friend with a bright smile. "Let's play!"_

_Iwaizumi nods, but he finds himself watching Oikawa struggle with the pail instead of helping him as he normally does. Oikawa doesn't seem to realize it and as he lifts the pail, it falls apart. He looks horrified. "No!"_

_"I missed you," Iwaizumi says bluntly, still staring at Oikawa._

_Oikawa stares back, a grin slowly spreading across his face, entire expression brightening._

_"Me too!"_

* * *

Four days pass and it's only when Oikawa has officially run out of anything remotely edible in his cupboards that he packs a duffel to go home.

He had isolated himself in an attempt to keep from running into Iwaizumi, Kuroo, Kenma, or anyone he knew. There had been visitors; it pained Oikawa to know that Iwaizumi was sitting outside his door, waiting for him, but he couldn't bring himself to answer. Whenever he'd hear Iwaizumi start knocking he'd put his headphones in and turn his music up full volume. It was only when he could see the lack of a shadow from under the door that he'd take them off, ignore the growing ache in his chest. Kuroo and Kenma were easier to ignore without nearly deafening himself; when it came to Iwaizumi, every cell of Oikawa's existence would gravitate towards him, and so he'd try to dull as many senses as he could to keep himself from opening the door.

Oikawa had watched his phone blow up over the next few days with texts and calls, mostly from Iwaizumi and a few from Kuroo and Kenma. They were a flurry of ' _where are you?'_  and ' _answer me'_ , messages that Oikawa read before tossing his phone aside with absolutely no intention of responding.

He wound up laying on his bed most of the day, occasionally being adventurous and laying on his couch instead. Either way, Oikawa's eyes were constantly trained on his ceiling, unblinking to the point of tears, at which point he'd squeeze them shut. Then when they no longer hurt, he repeated it all over again. The pain was comforting, his body otherwise entirely numb to the world.

His heart feels heavy, his chest feels empty. He keeps replaying his speech to Iwaizumi, wondering where the logical  _don't tell him_  Oikawa went when he'd blurted out his feelings. He'd been desperate to tell Iwaizumi all this time, but that, Oikawa thought over and over again, was not how he wanted to do it. He didn't know exactly how he had wanted to, but he knows for sure that yelling it out during an argument is  _not_  the way.

Inhaling shakily, Oikawa closes his eyes and rests the heels of his hands on his forehead, fingers tangling in his hair. Iwaizumi's face, wide eyes and mouth gaping, is permanently ingrained in his mind, and Oikawa can't help but laugh dryly because a surprised Iwaizumi had always made him laugh. When they were younger, he used to compare him to a fish, but that abruptly stopped when Iwaizumi snapped a picture of shocked Oikawa to show that if either of them looked like a fish, it was Oikawa.

Rolling onto his side, Oikawa folds an arm under his head and sighs, shoulders hunching. His stomach growls but the idea of food makes him nauseated, yet thinking of Iwaizumi cooking an omelette makes his mouth water. He remembers waking up in the afternoon to the sounds of Iwaizumi cooking. Sitting up blearily, Oikawa had peered over, squinting at the vague figure that seems to be Iwaizumi, finally grabbing his glasses and putting them on.

_"Iwa-chan, why're you up…?"_

_"Because you are," Iwaizumi answers, glancing over his shoulder. Oikawa sits up on the couch, draping his arms over the back and watches him for a moment before standing. "Awake? Moving to bed?"_

_"Still have to finish my paper," Oikawa mumbles, shuffling over as he yawns. He hums in disapproval at how cold the kitchen floor is under his bare feet but walks over to Iwaizumi, standing behind him and wrapping his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. His glasses are askew and he tries to wrinkle his nose, but it doesn't do anything. "Iwa-chan's cooking…?"_

_"Yeah," Iwaizumi answers and Oikawa watches him slide the finished omelette and fold it perfectly in a plate. "This is yours," he says, holding it up._

_Oikawa tilts his head, but his stomach growls at the smell. "What about Iwa-chan's?"_

_"You throw a fit whenever I don't feed you first," Iwaizumi says as Oikawa releases him in favor of the plate, looking up to see him smirk. "So hurry up and eat. You're slow as hell and I don't want to do the dishes twice."_

Oikawa doesn't want to admit he's a bad cook (are there better cooks? the answer is not no), but he'll admit that Iwaizumi is better than he is, which is why he'll try to make Iwaizumi cook as often as he can. As he's thinking about this, he realizes it's been months since he's had any of Iwaizumi's cooking and his heart aches more than his empty stomach.

Sitting up, he swings his legs over the side of the couch, stands in one fluid motion, and goes to his room. Oikawa's not the neatest person in the world; he's got a penchant for organizing, but keeping up with the organization is a different story. He steps over stray clothes and papers he's been meaning to clean up, can almost hear Iwaizumi snapping at him to stop being a pig. Opening the closet door, he grabs a duffel bag and tosses it onto bed as he starts pulling his favorite shirts and sweaters off the hangers, creating a pile next to the bag. He opens a dresser next and surveys his pants momentarily, grabbing sweats and jeans. "Clothes…" he mumbles as he stares at the pile, then heads into his bathroom. "Contact solution… contacts… face wash… hair gel…"

He drops his findings from the bathroom on the bed next to his clothes and shuffles over to his desk. "Glasses case… charger… computer…"

Rifling through a drawer, he frowns and opens the next one to immediately see a white cord neatly wrapped with a rubber band holding it in place. He takes it out and is about to close the drawer when he sees a white envelope, causing an empty heart to drop into an equally empty stomach.

"...Oh." His finger brushes against the envelope and then he pulls back, swallowing thickly; he'd forgotten he'd tucked the biggest shock of his life into yet another dark corner. He's good at compartmentalizing with his mind and, when it comes to physical objects, he's got a knack for hiding them pretty well.

His cheeks prickle as he gently tugs the envelope out from under a few empty notepads. He runs his thumb over a crease and stares at his name in Iwaizumi's familiar handwriting. Oikawa swallows thickly and sets the cord down, flipping the envelope over and taking out the note inside.

He'd only read it that one time, a very quick skim. And then he'd stowed it away, pushed everything into a corner of his mind because this had been huge and he didn't know how to deal with it, so he avoided it, like he did with everything, realizing only later that itwas the single worst thing to do. His self-preservation ended up hurting the single most important person to him.

He feels sick.

Iwaizumi, as his best friend, has delivered several confession letters to him. Oikawa has never even thought about how Iwaizumi must have felt, but thinking back, how many had he handed to him when he also had feelings for him? How did it make him feel?

Pushing his bangs back, Oikawa swallows thickly and unfolds the note.

_Oikawa,_

_I don't know how to start this off, so here goes._

_I've always thought of you as someone I could say anything to, but it turns out that wasn't true. I'd trust you with my life, but the idea of saying this to you, face to face, terrifies me. I don't know why, but I just can't, so I wrote this letter because that's how all the girls confessed to you, right? This might be stupid but just remember that you're stupider._

_I don't know when or how it happened, but at some point, our friendship meant more to me than just a friendship. You meant more to me than just a friend. You were always the one by my side and while you're always saying that I'm around to keep you in line, you're around to push me and motivate me to be better, just by watching you work so hard. You don't believe in boundaries stopping you, so why should I? As much of a nuisance as you are, I've always admired that about you. Seijou couldn't have had a better captain. I couldn't have had a better best friend._

_But I know you're someone who's afraid of change, and I don't want anything to change between us. But keeping this to myself has been suffocating. Don't ask me how long, because I don't know. Don't ask me why, because I don't know. Don't ask me when, because I don't know. All I know is that I'm in love with you and it's okay if you don't feel the same way. I don't expect you to. I just want you to know because I've always hated keeping secrets from you. You've always been the one I tell them to and the only reason I hadn't told you this one was because it was about you._

_You're immature, you're naïve, you're obnoxious, you've got the worst personality ever, but you're my best friend and I'd do anything for you._

_Iwaizumi_

Oikawa's startled to see a darkened spot by Iwaizumi's name and numbly raises a free hand to his cheek, brushing tentatively and feeling tears. He sniffles and smiles ruefully as he folds the letter back up, putting it into the envelope and standing to slip it into his back pocket. His heart feels like it's jumped up to his throat; when he'd first read the letter, everything had gone numb. And now that he's read it again, everything is painfully real.

Because Iwaizumi has felt that way this entire time; even in a letter confessing, he's remained selfless and concerned only about Oikawa's feelings. He's always been like that; even when they were kids, when Iwaizumi wanted to go bug hunting but Oikawa was still afraid, he'd make up an excuse and pretend he was sick of bugs and they could stay in and watch television instead. It took Oikawa months to get over his fear but the first time they went, he'd forgotten all of his anxieties when they reached the forest by the park because even as a toddler, Iwaizumi's smile was the cure for everything.

_"What are the letters like, anyway?"_

_Oikawa laughs as he pockets the most recent one Iwaizumi delivered to him. "Don't worry, Iwa-chan, maybe you'll get one someday! Or maybe you'll write one of your own!"_

_Iwaizumi huffs as they start walking home together, adjusting the strap of his backpack on his shoulder. "I dunno. If I like someone, why would I confess like that? I'd just tell 'em."_

_"Iwa-chan, you've never confessed before, have you?" Oikawa asks, looking at him with a twinkle in his eyes. "It's nerve wracking! And in a note, you can plan out what you say and when, instead of stuttering and losing your train of thought."_

_Iwaizumi frowns. "So you actually like getting them?"_

_Oikawa grins. "I do, actually. And unlike a verbal confession, you get to read it over and over again, which I always think is nice."_

Rubbing his eyes roughly and throwing all his things into the duffel and zipping it up, he grabs his phone from his nightstand and pockets it without even glancing. His next inhale is shaky, though his breath stops altogether when he catches sight of the picture of him with Iwaizumi on his desk.

Oikawa's phone has always had plenty of storage, but he'd always grab Iwaizumi's phone and take selfies on it, occasionally roping Iwaizumi into the picture too. This one, like most of them, had a beaming Oikawa and a severely annoyed Iwaizumi, reluctantly looking at the camera, glaring as he always did. Iwaizumi had always said he hated pictures and that not everyone was born photogenic to almost a fault like Oikawa, but Oikawa always felt that in all of their pictures, Iwaizumi was always the one who stood out, even so effortlessly.

(Naturally, he never admitted this to Iwaizumi.)

It's one out of probably thousands they've taken together; Oikawa had happened to be in a good mood that day and decided to get it printed. He'd shown Iwaizumi and Iwaizumi had told him he was a moron, so Oikawa went the extra mile to buy it a nice frame. It was the picture that traveled with him from home to college and now to the apartment they shared together.

Oikawa remembers contemplating getting wallet sized print outs, but opted not to, just to save himself from an untimely death.

He smiles faintly and hoists the strap of his bag onto his shoulder.

"…Sorry, Iwa-chan. As it turns out, I really am a dumbass."

* * *

"I fucking hate Oikawa. I fucking  _hate_  him, that immature son of a bitch. Why can't he be a damn adult and stay to finish the fucking conversation?! Fuck him.  _Fuck_  Oikawa."

Kuroo sips his drink calmly, avoids making an obvious sexual reference. Kenma's eyes don't even flicker from the screen of his PSP.

Iwaizumi gives a frustrated growl, the glasses on the table almost toppling over when he brings his elbows down sharply. His index fingers press to the inner corners of his eyes as he takes a deep breath, thumbs on the underside of his chin and rest of his fingers tapping together, making breathing a little difficult. He tries to calm himself with a deep breath into his cupped hands. Squeezing his eyes shut, Iwaizumi tries to stop seeing Oikawa's grinning face, but it's so effervescent and ingrained in his mind that it's impossible.

He drops his hands and opens his eyes to see Kuroo looking at him with that annoyingly unreadable smile. A corner of his lips quirks higher and he wiggles his eyebrows.

"Tell me how you really feel."

"Piss off, Kuroo."

Kuroo laughs, which makes Iwaizumi want to punch him again. But instead, Iwaizumi rests his chin in his palm and stares at the window, focusing momentarily on his reflection before looking past it to the bustling streets. He'd met Kuroo and Kenma at a café; after days of no answers from Oikawa, Iwaizumi felt like he was on the verge of losing his mind and figured being in a public setting would force him to calm down.

His back ached from hours of sitting by Oikawa's door, only for him to never answer. His fingers hurt from texting him repeatedly, and his throat hurt from the numerous voicemails he'd left, yelling lessening only because his voice was giving out. Oikawa had disappeared before, but never for this long, never when Iwaizumi was this annoyed.

To say he was pissed was an understatement; Iwaizumi's had to deal with the consequences of Oikawa's bad decisions before, but it's never been like this. He's usually been able to yell at Oikawa to vent his frustrations, but Oikawa has seemingly disappeared off the face of the planet. Iwaizumi knows he's alive based on the shuffling and shadows he sees from under the door, but he hasn't heard his voice in days.

His stomach still drops when he remembers hearing Oikawa say  _I'm in love with you_. It gets a little harder to breathe when he remembers the way Oikawa had looked at him. Oikawa Tooru has many faces, but sheepish and bordering on shy is one he seldom sees; for someone who's mastered having a façade up at all times, Iwaizumi's always taken back when he's completely genuine and vulnerable. It makes him want to hug Oikawa and never let go, always be by his side to protect him.

Kuroo hadn't lied about Oikawa being home; Iwaizumi heard music blasting when he got to his place. But after he started banging on the door and yelling at him to let him in, the music stopped and Oikawa had refused to open the door or even answer him. Iwaizumi understands why; Oikawa's pride has always been his downfall.

What he also understood was that Oikawa was harder on himself than anyone else, that even if Iwaizumi yelled that he still felt the same way, Oikawa would be convinced that after everything that happened, they shouldn't be together. Iwaizumi could always forgive Oikawa, but the same couldn't be said for Oikawa himself. It took Oikawa ten times longer to let go of something when it came to someone else, and twenty times if it involved himself.

"…He's so fucking stupid," Iwaizumi mumbles weakly, sighing again.

Kuroo smirks again and crosses his arms, leaning back in his seat. "What kind of messages have you been leaving?"

"That I want to talk," Iwaizumi answers, rubbing his face tiredly. "That he can't keep hiding forever. That he's fucking stupid and rude. Just… just normal stuff."

"Only that?" Kuroo asks, glancing over and patting Kenma's head affectionately before looking back to Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi nods, dropping his hand with a sigh. He shrugs weakly. "Yeah. Because… I don't know, I don't want to talk about how I feel about him through a phone or a door. That's… that's something that I have to say face to face."

_"Oikawa! Oikawa Tooru, you son of a bitch, open the door!"_

_The music stops immediately. Iwaizumi's eyes narrow and he takes an expectant step back when he hears footsteps. But moments of silence pass and he realizes that Oikawa is not answering the door. Grunting, he steps forward again and bangs on the door, other hand pressing the doorbell incessantly. His lungs are still scorching from sprinting over from campus, leaving an annoyingly smirking Kuroo, to Oikawa's apartment._

_"Oikawa," he tries again, swallowing and resting his forehead on the door. "…Tooru. Just… just open the door, okay? That conversation wasn't finished and this is one thing that I'm not letting you walk out on. Please. Open the door."_

_Silence._

_Iwaizumi's heart starts slowing, but each thump seems heavy with dread because as mad as he is and as stubborn as he is, Oikawa's just as, if not more, stubborn. If he doesn't want to answer the door, he won't. Iwaizumi knows that. Oikawa knows that Iwaizumi knows that. In the end, Iwaizumi will always do what Oikawa truly wants and they both know that for now, Oikawa just wants to be left alone._

_Turning and sitting with his back to the door, Iwaizumi sighs and crosses his legs, hands in his pockets. He can imagine Oikawa doing the exact same; even though the door's only a few inches thick, it feels like there's an entire galaxy of silence between them._

_Iwaizumi turns his head slightly, brow knit._

_"Don't shut me out, Oikawa," he says in a low voice. "…Please. I don't like it when you're hurting and I can't do anything to help."_

"…I sat there for two hours," Iwaizumi mumbles. "I left because his neighbors kept checking up on me. I know he needs time alone," he says and looks up, "but I don't get  _why_. I—"

"I think he just has to process everything that's happened," Kuroo interrupts quietly. "Oikawa probably at least has an idea that you feel the same way, especially if he knows he's the reason you broke up with Semi. But just knowing you feel the same way isn't enough. You know that, right? Just because you love each other doesn't mean it's enough, not if you feel like you don't deserve the other or you've hurt him too much."

Iwaizumi hates when Kuroo makes sense.

"Then what the hell does he need?" Iwaizumi can't help but snap, running a hand through his hair. "What does he want me to say? What—"

"It's nothing that you can say," Kenma murmurs, finally looking up from his game, thumbs stilling. "Oikawa's been denying how he feels for a long time, and now he's feeling everything at once."

Iwaizumi's brow knits and he leans back in his seat, biting the inside of his cheek. "It's okay if you don't get it," he hears Kenma and shifts a little. "You just have to give him space."

"I've been  _giving_  him space," Iwaizumi says, voice strained. "…How much more does he need? I grew up with him, so, yeah, I get that he has to be alone sometimes. But I also know that if no one pulls him out of his rut, he'll just keep spiraling. So…"

"So good thing you're the only one who knows when it's time to talk to him again," Kenma says, offering a small smile. "No one's been as patient and then as forceful with him. You know him better than anyone. Talk to him again when you think it's time."

Iwaizumi doesn't say anything for a bit. He presses his nails into his arm and can feel a slight sting despite his sleeve. Kenma being right is infinitely less annoying than Kuroo being right. All this time, Iwaizumi's wanted to talk to Oikawa, so desperately that he's been ignoring his gut feeling. Oikawa's as stubborn as he is, so if he doesn't want to talk, he won't. But he also has a hard time reaching out when he is ready, and Iwaizumi's had to do so for him.

He tries to calm himself, separate what he wants from what Oikawa's ready for.

Finally, he sighs and leans forward, elbows back on the table and begrudgingly sighs. He folds his hands and rests his forehead against his thumbs. "…Yeah," he mumbles and looks up. "You're right. Damn it."

Kuroo laughs heartily and Iwaizumi smirks when he watches Kenma elbow him sharply. "Stop it, Kuro."

"Have you thought about what you're going to say to him?" Kuroo asks, rubbing his ribs with a slight wince. Kenma's gone back to his game, now that he's achieved more in three minutes than Kuroo has in two hours. "Because we all know he'll cave eventually. As much as you give in to him, he does too, in his own way."

Iwaizumi shrugs and takes a sip of his coffee, realizing it's cold only after his sip and having to swallow. "No," he admits. "I don't usually…  _think_  about what I say to him. I just… talk."

Kuroo leans forward on his elbows. "Do you want to be with him?"

"Yeah," Iwaizumi answers without hesitating, "of course. But… if he doesn't want to, then…"

His shoulders round and his gaze drops to the small spoon he'd been using to stir his cappuccino earlier. "…It would hurt," he continues quietly, "but all I care about is that he's happy. As long as Oikawa's happy, then I am too. Even if it hurts."

He looks up to see Kuroo staring at him in that annoying way, but what makes him feel awkward is the fact that even Kenma's smiling, though faint.

Kuroo grins.

"Oikawa the bastard's got no idea how lucky he is to have you."

* * *

"No, I didn't  _cry_ —okay, maybe there were some tears—you know what, Mattsun, that's mean. I'm hanging up because you're mean, but pick me up when I get there, okay? I'm on the shuttle now. Okay, bye."

Huffing, Oikawa ends the call and glares at his phone for a few more minutes before pocketing it. He sighs again, this time feeling his bangs move from the forceful breath. The bus jostles a bit when they hit a less paved section of the road, and Oikawa glances down absentmindedly to make sure the duffel between his feet is fine.

Folding his hands behind his head, he leans back, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opens them again, he stares at the ceiling absentmindedly. Oikawa's taken the shuttle from campus to the train station often; he normally finds the ride relaxing, but this time there's a heavy weight of guilt that he can't seem to get rid of. And whenever they hit a bump, that weight makes him feel nauseous.

There are a few people standing; every seat is occupied, and Oikawa's in the aisle seat, with one person next to him. His eyes start wandering and he glances over; she's much shorter than he is, something he can tell even while sitting, and has tucked a few strands of her dark hair behind her ear. She seems to be on her phone and Oikawa can't help but steal a glance and his brow knits.

"…Tetsu-chan?" because that hair is too disastrous to have a twin.

The girl looks up and Oikawa stares at her for a moment.

"…Mieko-chan?"

Her eyes widen and then she's looking at him with the same petrified cat expression Kenma adopts when Oikawa catches him playing a game under his blanket after having been told over and over to go to bed (the discovery typically takes place at six to seven in the morning, meaning he'd never slept.) Oikawa momentarily forgets the anxiety that's been suffocating him for almost a week as he lowers his hands and tilts his head as he smiles.  _This is the infamous Mieko-chan…_

Oikawa almost laughs.

_She's way out of Tetsu-chan's league._

"I'm sorry," she says when she's recovered and seems flustered, "I'm really bad at names and faces, so—"

"Ah, it's fine, I'm a friend of Tetsu-chan's. We haven't met, but I assumed who you were based on that picture," Oikawa answers and sees her visibly relax, turning her phone face down on her thigh and nodding. "Sorry for startling you."

She smiles again and shakes her head, crossing her legs with her phone between them. "Are you all right?" she asks when she shifts to tilt her body towards him slightly, opting to lean against the window. She tucks her hair behind her ear again. "I heard you sigh twice earlier."

"I'm fine," Oikawa answers out of reflex.

Her eyes glance at the bag. "Taking a trip?"

"Home for the weekend."

"How's Tetsurou?"

"Happy with Pudding-chan."

"Any plans?"

"Not really."

"Did you leave the stove on?"

"Haven't cooked in a week."

"Are you really fine?"

"No."

Oikawa freezes.

"…Yes."

Mieko laughs, hand reaching out to grasp the seat in front of her when the bus hits a pothole. "I used to do that with Tetsurou when he wouldn't admit something. I'm glad it works on you too."

"That's sneaky," Oikawa whines playfully but he drops his eyes and crosses his arms. "Tetsu-chan keeps going after people who are way smarter than him…"

He lifts a hand to rub his eyes and even with them closed, he senses that Mieko's staring at him. He smiles faintly. "Are you going to do that the entire bus ride?"

"Yes," she answers immediately.

Oikawa smiles, but it disappears and he ends up staring at his shoes, remembers buying them with Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi had spilled coffee on him and though Oikawa hadn't actually been upset, Iwaizumi dragged him to a nearby shoe store and told him to pick out any pair he wanted. Oikawa had been surprised at the generosity and pushed his luck by taking three hours, trying on nearly every single pair in the store, eventually settling on one of the first three he'd chosen. He'd expected Iwaizumi to blow up and yell at him, storm out and tell him to pay himself.

But he'd remained calm and agreeable, patiently telling him which he liked and didn't. In the end, Oikawa wound up being the one who felt bad and bought him dinner.

Oikawa sighs, crosses his arms over his chest and looks in the opposite direction.

"I told my best friend that I'm in love with him," Oikawa says finally.

Mieko hums. "Mm… and what did he say?"

"…I don't know," he says softly, swallowing thickly as his eyes drop. "I walked out before he could answer, so… he's probably pissed. But… he did confess to me months ago."

"Oh," Oikawa hears, "then what's—"

"But I also basically ignored that," Oikawa continues, digging his nails into his arm. "…I hooked up with Tetsu-chan, knowing how he felt. I tried to monopolize his time, basically act like his boyfriend while not returning his feelings. I was constantly attempting to keep him from dating another guy who seemed good for him because I was too selfish to let him go."

"…Oh."

Oikawa swallows because it always sounds infinitely worse when he says it out loud.

"…Yeah," he mumbles, shoulders rounding. "So even if he still feels the same way, I don't deserve him."

"Is he still with that guy?" she asks gently and Oikawa shakes his head.

"No, they broke up."

"Why?"

"…"

"Because of you," she says quietly and Oikawa nods. She hums again and Oikawa can see her take her phone out and tap around on it before turning it face down again, holding it in her lap. "Is that why you're going home?" she asks. "To avoid him?"

"Well," Oikawa clears his throat, "the reason I was going with was that I ran out of food, but… yeah. He keeps trying to contact me, but I can't talk to him right now. Not yet. I just…"

He shakes his head and shrugs feebly.

"…I can't."

Mieko hums again; she doesn't say anything for a while, and Oikawa wonders if talking to one of his best friend's exes about this is the smartest thing to do. It's probably not, but then again, Oikawa's track record doesn't include many smart decisions in general.

"I don't really know you," she says finally and Oikawa almost laughs. "But I know Tetsurou, and you must be a good person if he considers you one of his best friends. And I don't know everything about what's happening between you and your best friend, but… when you fall in love with someone, it doesn't just go away, especially not quickly. And it sounds like you've made some mistakes, but what I think is your biggest one is running away."

Hearing the same thing from someone else does nothing except make the guilt feel heavier.

"From after his confession to after your confession to now, I know it must be terrifying, but you have to stop and face him at some point, right? He's your best friend. He should be the person you can talk to about anything."

"But—"

"Even if," she interrupts gently, "it's about him. Your best friend's the person you talk to about the person you're in love with and it should be him even more so if it's him. Nobody's perfect, you know? So maybe you've made some mistakes. But I think what matters is what you learn from them. Because I personally think that if two people make each other happier than anyone else, they deserve a shot to see if they can make it work."

She's not saying anything too different from what Oikawa's been hearing for the past few months. But somehow, listening to her makes his heart feel like it can beat without the constraints anymore. Maybe it's because she's an outsider; Oikawa can't use the bias argumentthat he does for Kuroo and Kenma. She doesn't know him. She doesn't know Iwaizumi. And yet she's saying all this, so maybe, just maybe, she's right.

Maybe that's all he needed, Oikawa thought numbly, to hear it from someone else. She's the open window in an otherwise sealed off room.

Oikawa chews on the inside of his lip and groans, brings both hands to his face as he leans forward with his elbows on his knees. "You sound like a more talkative version of Pudding-chan and more eloquent version of Tetsu-chan put together," he whines softly, laughing. But the smile disappears and Oikawa is left to swallow, lump in his throat painful. "…I don't know how I can be with him after how much I put him through. It's… it's just not fair to him, right? It's not. I can't keep taking advantage of—"

"I know you're trying to do the right thing," Mieko interrupts, putting a hand on his shoulder. "But maybe that's not your call. Or, rather, that's not  _only_  your call. You're probably harder on yourself and while you're ready to punish yourself for this, what if he wanted to be with you too? Isn't that punishing him too?"

Oikawa freezes, feels his chest burn. Maybe she's right, he thinks; he hadn't given Iwaizumi a chance to answer and has no idea what he wants right now. Or, rather, he's decided what Iwaizumi wants, and didn't want to stick around to let it become a reality.

"I think what's important is how you feel about him and how he feels about you," Mieko continues, pulling back as Oikawa lowers his hands. "And I think that, before you do anything rash, the least you should do is talk to him. It'll happen eventually, and doing it sooner rather than later will save both of you a lot of stress and jumping to conclusions."

She smiles. "Do you want to be with him?"

Oikawa swallows.

"…So badly that it hurts."

"Then I think you have to talk to him and at least listen to what he has to say before deciding by yourself how you two will end up," she finishes with a nod.

Just as it's getting hard to breathe, the bus stops and doors open, bringing in a wave of air that saves Oikawa from suffocation just in time. He reaches up to pull at the collar of his shirt and turns to Mieko as everyone else starts standing and gathering their things to leave. "Mieko-chan," he says, voice as airy as usual but a rare smile in his eyes, "I have to say, you're pretty impressive. Most of my first conversations with someone focus on them."

She smiles as she stands as well, thanking Oikawa when he brings down a pale pink bag that he assumes to be hers. "Being with Tetsurou has trained me well in dealing with people who hate talking about themselves."

"I have to say," Oikawa says, "you're definitely too good for him."

She laughs as they exit the bus, Oikawa helping her with her suitcase. "Tetsurou's got good points, you know. He was always really good at science."

"You're  _still_  speaking highly of him, even after you broke up?"

"We may not have worked out romantically," she says as she struggles to get the handle to work and sets the pink bag on top, "but he was once the most important person in my life. I still care about him."

Oikawa can't help but laugh, shakes his head.

"…If it weren't for Pudding-chan, I'd say Tetsu-chan  _really_  messed up letting go of you."

She smiles again and starts heading towards the ticketing station, waving before turning. "You better talk to him before buying your ticket, Oikawa-san!"

Oikawa smiles tiredly, watching her disappear into the throng of people before he steps to the side to be out of the way. Pulling out his phone, his heart races as he swallows thickly, counts backwards from ten with his eyes closed to calm himself.

She's right, he thinks. Everyone has been, he realizes. Maybe the issue with the entire situation was the lack of communication.

Oikawa takes a deep breath, opens his eyes, and taps his phone.

Nothing.

He tries again, frowns and starts pressing the volume and lock buttons, freezing.

"…Oh. Probably should've charged it."

* * *

**From: Oyama Mieko**

_oikawa-san's your friend, right?_

**From: Oyama Mieko**

_he's heading to the train station_

**From: Oyama Mieko**

_just in case you wanted to know_

Iwaizumi's never met Mieko, but when he does, he's going to hug her and then buy her all the desserts in the world and also all of the milk bread, just so Oikawa can never have any ever again.

"Drive faster," he snaps, fingers drumming along the car door impatiently.

"I'm driving the speed limit," Kuroo answers and if he weren't in the driver's seat, Iwaizumi would punch him. "I won't get a ticket just because of your messed up love life."

"You son of a-!"

Iwaizumi had been in the middle of calling Oikawa again when Kuroo had gotten the texts, sliding his phone across the table to Iwaizumi.  _"You wanna go?"_  barely registered as he stood, table shaking as he demanded to know which bus went there.

_"I mean, there's a shuttle from campus, but if you take that you'll probably miss him. I can drive."_

_Both Iwaizumi and Kenma stare at him._

_"…Where did you get a car from?" Kenma ventures._

_Kuroo shrugs, shifts to reach into his pocket. Iwaizumi and Kenma watch him dangle the procured keys in front of them, speechless because of all the things they'd assume Kuroo would do, vehicle theft hadn't been on the list._

_"Doesn't matter. Let's go."_

Iwaizumi could easily be in a stolen vehicle right now.

Watching the scenery pass by in a blur, Iwaizumi cranes his neck to try and see around the car in front of them when they slow. "Why the fuck's it so slow?" he snaps. "Is there an accident?! Which asshole fucked up this time?!"

"It's called a traffic light," Kuroo drawls, gradually coming to a stop and looking over. "The bus probably isn't even there yet and he's still got to buy a ticket. I think you should focus on what you should do when you get there. Where's do you think he's going, anyway?"

"I'm gonna kick his ass into the ocean!"

"Yeah, I think they've got specials on those today."

"Kuro, just because you're driving doesn't mean he won't punch you."

"Is that why you're in the back?"

"Yes."

Kuroo laughs under his breath, then glances at Kenma through the rearview mirror. The light turns green and he starts driving again, glancing over at Iwaizumi. "Hey," he tries and hears a grunt of acknowledgment as he turns his gaze back to the road, "you know what you're going to say?"

"No."

"You know what you're gonna do?"

"Try not to hit him."

Kuroo laughs again and Iwaizumi just groans. They turn a corner and when he sees the train station come into view, he leans forward and buries his face in his hands. From the moment Kuroo showed him the text to now, all Iwaizumi had focused on was catching Oikawa and stopping him. But now that he was here, he realized he didn't know what he was going to do  _after_  stopping him.

Talking to Oikawa has always been effortless and easy. But right now there's so much he wants to express that he isn't sure which words to use; his first and foremost priority is to see Oikawa, and then have a conversation that they need but with sentences he has no idea how to form.

Iwaizumi's never been good at leaving Oikawa alone. Luckily, he's never had to for more than a day; this feels like the longest he's had to go without seeing him, and it's been driving him mad. And now that he's about to see him, he feels like he can't breathe.

The car stops and Iwaizumi forces himself to inhale, looking out the window. He doesn't see Oikawa at first, but there are so many people that it's hard for him to focus on anyone in general. Jolting when he feels Kuroo's hand on his shoulder, he looks over to see both him and Kenma looking at him.

"You're not gonna chicken out like Oikawa would, right?"

Iwaizumi blinks then smirks tiredly, shaking his head and opening the door.

"Of course not. Thanks for the ride."

Stepping out and closing the door behind him, Iwaizumi takes one tentative step forward, then another. And then they're quick steps as he's walking around, looking for Oikawa. Spotting him has never been hard; Oikawa tends to tower over most of Japan's population, but as Iwaizumi's eyes scan the crowd, no one seems to stand out. He takes his phone out from his pocket; as expected, Oikawa hasn't answered his texts, and even when Iwaizumi calls and listens to the never ending ringing, he doesn't expect him to answer.

"Goddamnit, Oikawa…" he mumbles under his breath, running a free hand through his hair. He's scanning the crowd for at least the tenth time and freezes when he looks beyond the gate, sees a head of brown hair towering over everyone.

It's the first time he's seen Oikawa in almost five days, and Iwaizumi forgets to breathe for a moment. It's just the back of his head; he's seen the back of Oikawa's head millions of times, but this time is different, because it makes Iwaizumi feel like he's having an out of body experience because he's finally found him.

He hangs up immediately and takes a step towards the gate, but realizes he can't get in without a ticket. Turning the other way, he pushes through the crowds of people to the counter, breathlessly apologizing as he shoves his way to the front. "Hi," he says, "uh, sorry, I'm trying to catch someone—one ticket. To wherever."

"Please specify a destination."

"I just said-!"

"'Wherever' is not a destination, I'm sorry."

"Fuck—fine," he glances up at the map. "Then… okay, Sendai," Iwaizumi snaps, shaking hands fumbling with his wallet to pull out the bills. His heart's pounding so hard in his chest that breathing feels impossible and it feels like forever as the girl behind the counter takes the money and issues him his ticket.

Everyone's giving him dirty looks, understandably so, but Iwaizumi ignores them and grabs the ticket, rushing towards the gate. He's yelling Oikawa's name but there are too many people and too many noises; Oikawa doesn't even so much as stir until Iwaizumi's past the gate, breathless as he stops and yells:

"You son of a  _bitch_!"

And, obviously, Oikawa turns around.

If Iwaizumi's the most pissed he's ever been, then Oikawa's the most surprised he's ever been. Iwaizumi watches Oikawa's expression change from slightly confused to one as if he'd been shown substantive proof that aliens have never and would never exist.

And still, Iwaizumi feels his knees go weak because, after all, it's  _Oikawa._

"Iwa—"

"You motherfucker," Iwaizumi snarls, crossing the distance between them and grabbing Oikawa by his shirt, slamming him into a nearby wall. "You couldn't even bother to answer your damn phone? Any of my calls or texts?! Or when I sat outside your fucking apartment?! I was worried as hell about you, and you—"

Breaking off abruptly, Iwaizumi bows his head. His knuckles dig into Oikawa's chest and he can feel his sharp collarbones beneath them. It has to hurt, he thinks, but Oikawa's not trying to push him off. He's not even moving at all, staying perfectly still against the wall, which somehow pisses Iwaizumi off even more. Oikawa's usually whining when Iwaizumi's mad; he's only utterly quiet if he's hurt or knows it's his fault and instead of making Iwaizumi feel better, it just makes him feel worse.

"You keep running away," Iwaizumi says finally, voice wavering and hands shaking. "Every time something big happens, you run away. I know you do it to protect yourself and… and it used to not hurt as much, because you'd take me with you. But now you're running away from  _me_  and… god, there's nothing that you can't say to me, Oikawa. Don't you know that by now? Nothing you say or do could ever make me see you as anyone else than my dumbass best friend."

Taking a deep breath, Iwaizumi looks up, feels the fabric of Oikawa's shirt squeak from his grip. Oikawa's still not looking at him; his brow's knit and he's biting his lip, eyes focused on the ground. And even though Iwaizumi's pissed and annoyed and infuriated and angry beyond all comprehensible means, he still wants to kiss him. Because after everything that's happened between them, the only thing that's never even so much as wavered was how he felt.

Trembling hands letting go, Iwaizumi takes a step back and tries to calm his breathing, but every breath rattles his frame and no matter how many times he licks his lips, they're still dry. He can feel people slowing or stopping entirely to watch them; Oikawa's normally the one who causes a scene in public but he can play it off as nothing with his charm and charisma.

Iwaizumi can't do that. And right now, he doesn't care enough to try.

"Oikawa," he says tiredly and looks up to see Oikawa still looking away. "…You've always been really good at reading people. Even when we were in elementary school, you knew when the teacher was in a good mood so we could ask for more snacks. But… but you're too good. You're too used to being right all the time, so you just  _decide_  things for them. But this isn't like that. This isn't a volleyball game that you can control the outcome of. This is real life. This is  _our_  life and you can't decide that you know how I'm going to react and you can't decide how things end up for us."

Oikawa swallows, still doesn't look at him. "I didn't—"

"You did," he presses and Oikawa's silent again. "That's exactly what you did when you walked out on me and ignored me for days. I know you're the kind of person who needs all the space in the fucking world when something big happens, so I tried to give that to you. But you know what I also know? That you're terrified of change and if there isn't someone there to force you in the right direction, you'll stay where it's safe forever."

Bringing his hands up to his face again, Iwaizumi barely hears Oikawa's mumbled apology. He just shakes his head and pushes his bangs away. "…I know you're sorry," he says and swallows. "I just… I trust you with my entire life, Oikawa. I trust you with absolutely everything, and knowing that you don't—"

"It's not that," Oikawa interrupts suddenly and shifts. He rests his hands in his pockets and sighs, leaning against the back. "…It's not that," he repeats in a quiet voice. "It's not that I don't trust you because, Iwa-chan, I trust you more than I thought I could ever trust anyone. It's that… " he trails off momentarily and bows his head. "It's that I was ashamed to face you after how I treated you, then still telling you how I felt. I treated you like dirt, Iwa-chan," Oikawa mumbles, giving a small shrug. "…I couldn't look you in the eye after that."

Iwaizumi's never had to think about what to say to Oikawa. Conversation between them has always been more natural to him than breathing. But even as he's at a loss for words right now, he can't stop staring at Oikawa, can't stop hearing  _I'm in love with you_  echoing in his head over and over again, can't stop thinking about the time he'd almost kissed him when he was drunk.

How a part of him still wishes he'd kissed him, because kissing Oikawa tends to be something Iwaizumi finds himself thinking about a lot, even if he tries to ignore it. How it had been a kiss that helped him realize how he really felt, and how that had been their last kiss and he didn't even know.

"…You're pretty shameless most of the time, so it's a miracle you actually feel some of that now," Iwaizumi says flatly.

Oikawa's shoulders round, but there's a ghost of a smile. "…Please don't kick me while I'm down, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi laughs at that and Oikawa does too and for just a moment, it's like everything's gone back to normal. Because even if the past few days, weeks, months have felt like eternity, that period is still nothing compared to the  _decades_  they spent growing up together, being at each other's side, existing with each other. This is their normal, Iwaizumi insulting him and Oikawa dramatically feigning hurt.

Taking another deep breath, Iwaizumi looks up. "You decided that I'd be happier with Semi," he said and Oikawa swallows. "…You decided that  _we_  weren't even worth a shot at. You decided that all by yourself."

Oikawa shrugs tiredly.

"…I thought I was doing the right thing," he says quietly. "…Honest."

"I know," Iwaizumi answers, pinching the bridge of his nose. "…Yeah, I know you did. But it's… it's after we broke up that you kept thinking that. I get why you didn't confess when I was with him, but after—"

"To be fair, you didn't tell me you two broke up," Oikawa says and it's Iwaizumi's turn to flinch.

"…Yeah. You're right. I'm sorry for that," Iwaizumi says slowly and then looks up again. "But if I had… would you have told me?"

Oikawa doesn't say anything, kicks at the ground.

"That's the thing with you," Iwaizumi continues, voice starting to get louder again, "you just… you just  _decide_  things on your own and you don't talk to me about it. If I'm your best friend, why aren't you confiding in me? You can't live your entire life making unilateral decisions like that; you've got to communicate—"

"It's not like I shut the door on us forever—"

"Are you kidding? Then what do you call never intending on letting me know and walking out after you do and ignoring me?!"

"I needed space—"

"Yeah, well, I need  _you_ , Oikawa," Iwaizumi snaps and Oikawa's staring at him again. "Okay? I need you. I need you because without you, nothing feels right. When you're not there, it's like something's missing. You're self sacrificial to a fault—"

"Seriously?" Oikawa narrows his eyes. "Look at yourself before you say that; you're the one who kept insisting that you wanted things to go back to normal. But I know how hard it is to be just friends with someone you're in love with; even if you're okay with being hurt, that doesn't mean I'm okay with being the one hurting you."

"At least I  _told_  you—"

"That's not the point—"

"It's the  _whole_  point, Oikawa!"

The crowd around them seems to have grown bigger, but Iwaizumi's too focused on Oikawa to give them a second thought. "I was never going to get over you," he continues, voice almost cracking. "…Ask Kuroo. He knew before I did and kept grinning at me with his stupid Cheshire cat face. You're  _the one_  for me. You're the love of my life and all your stupid cheesy ass novels are right; there's that one person who you never fully move on from. For me, that's you. It didn't matter if I did stay with Semi, or started dating someone else in the future. A part of me is always yours. Get it? Do you remember when you asked if Semi made me happy and I said someone made me happier?"

Iwaizumi's always hated the overly cheesy and cliché romance movies and novels, while Oikawa devoured them. He thought they were too dramatic, too over the top, too predictable. But then he realized he harbored those exact feelings for his best friend and as outlandish as they were, they were all real.

"…It's you, Oikawa. It's always been you. It always  _will_  be you. You're my home. You're who I want to come back to. You're the one who makes me feel safe. You're the one who pushes me to be better. You're… you're fucking  _stupid_."

Oikawa looks surprised, then confused.

"…Wait, wha—"

"You're a royal pain in the ass," Iwaizumi growls, bringing a hand to his face, other on his hip. "Yeah, I love you. But you shove your ice cold feet on me for fun, you won't let me drink from the milk carton directly but then waste half of it when you try and fail to fountain it, you kept forgetting your key and if I couldn't let you in, you'd break locks by picking them—for fuck's sake, Oikawa, it's not as easy as it looks in the movies, you don't fucking know how to pick a lock—you organized my clothes by season and color, which made me late to an interview because who the fuck puts a suit by the spring section—"

"Actually, that was the formal wear section—"

"And you have a formal wear section without telling anyone about it, you overuse emojis, also your face is one giant fucking emoji, you alphabetize shit in the refrigerator when you're drunk, you stay up all night for dramas and keep bothering me so I end up staying up too, you never fully cover up leftovers after you finish sniffing them, you take one bite out of everything and leave the rest there, you're either all or nothing and have no goddamn concept of moderation, and just because there's a sale doesn't mean you have to buy ten bottles of hand soap, you moron, you… you're… you're  _infuriating_ , Oikawa. You really are. You drive me crazy."

He looks up at him, half glaring but half just  _looking_  because Iwaizumi can never get tired of looking at Oikawa because he thinks he's the sun.

"…And the most annoying thing about you is that you're always running, either from someone else or from yourself. Because you have no idea how fucking amazing you are, and how much you mean to me," Iwaizumi says, taking a step forward. "And you don't seem to understand that if you run, I'll chase you down, always. I'll just be really pissed that I have to do it again, but I'm not going to let you get away again."

Chest aching from his racing heart, Iwaizumi swallows thickly and looks straight at Oikawa. He can see a slight blush on his cheeks and from the way he's staring back at Iwaizumi, he's unsure if Oikawa's about to make a run for it or not.

Iwaizumi takes another deep breath.

"I want to be with you, Tooru," he says and his eyes soften as he gives a lopsided smile. "…Because, yeah, you're stupid, immature, naïve, obnoxious, and a hell of a flight risk, but you're my best friend and when it matters, you always come through. No one's perfect. We've both fucked up. But what I feel for you has never changed. I'm in love with you. I probably always have been. I always will be."

Iwaizumi's not counting the seconds that pass because as soon as he stops talking, he stops breathing. He can hear his blood rushing through his ears, his heart thudding furiously in his chest. He feels lightheaded as he watches Oikawa.

Oikawa is easily predictable in some aspects. Iwaizumi can almost hear Oikawa's response before he even says anything, but there are times where Oikawa will do something he entirely doesn't expect. As well as he knows him, Oikawa will always keep Iwaizumi on his toes.

Instead of listening to a clock tick the seconds by, Iwaizumi feels his heart beating. His lungs are starting to hurt but just as they're about to burst, he sees the way Oikawa relax and smile. Iwaizumi immediately exhales, but the sweet inhale of oxygen is cut off when he steps forward and grabs Oikawa's face, kisses him before he can even get a word out.

They're fourteen when they kiss for the first time, and it's a kiss between two teenagers, one to shut up the other one's whining.

They're sixteen when they kiss for the second time, and it's a kiss between two best friends, one who realizes he's in love with the other.

They're twenty-four when they kiss for the third time, and it's a kiss between two soulmates who may have been in love their whole lives and just taken forever to realize it.

Oikawa's skin is impossibly smooth beneath Iwaizumi's palms and he runs his thumbs over his sharp cheekbones, angles his head to kiss him harder. Oikawa's hands move down his sides to rest on his hips, pull him close and Iwaizumi can distantly hear cheering; he smiles into the kiss at the same moment Oikawa does, but both are short lived once Iwaizumi takes Oikawa's bottom lip between his, shudders to feel his hot breath and hear his quiet sigh.

Their first kiss had been short and actually hurt more than anything.

Their second kiss had been much better, but most of Iwaizumi's recollection rested on the cold, sinking realization following the actual kiss.

Their third kiss sweeps Iwaizumi off his feet but makes him want to catch Oikawa, sends shock waves all throughout his body, renders him immobile and unable to properly function. But he can't stop kissing him; kissing Oikawa again is just as addictive as Iwaizumi has always imagined it would be. Feeling his mouth against his own, hearing his laugh, shivering at his touch are all intensified compared to what he'd imagine they'd feel like, and it's almost as if he's falling in love with him all over again.

Iwaizumi's lips are starting to feel numb, but he doesn't care. He can't get enough of Oikawa being in his arms and the kiss ends only because Oikawa's smiling again and Iwaizumi mumbles 'stop laughing' but ends up grinning himself. He steals a kiss when he can, hears Oikawa mumbling 'everyone's watching.'

"Then let 'em."

The trance breaks only when a strong gust of wind comes and Iwaizumi looks over to see the train arriving. Stepping back instinctively when he feels Oikawa moving, Iwaizumi watches incredulously as Oikawa picks up his duffel and Oikawa just stares back, cheeks flushed and lips swollen. "…What?"

"…For real? You're still leaving after all that?"

"What? I need to go, though…"

Iwaizumi feels the urge to hit him. "Have you not been—"

"No, no," Oikawa laughs, scratching the back of his head and still blushing a bit, "I told my mom I'd fix some of the faucets and help out. She's been feeling sick and I figured I'd go home for a bit."

Iwaizumi stares at him for a very, very long time, ultimately mumbling 'goddamnit' under his breath and grabbing Oikawa's hand. "All right. Let's go."

He ignores Oikawa's sputtering as he pulls him onto the train, choosing two empty seats at the end to sit. "You're going home, right? Then I'll go too. I doubt you know how to actually fix a sink."

"You'd be surprised at the DIY videos I watched during finals week to avoid studying," Oikawa chirps, smiling brightly at him and squeezing his hand. But then his expression drops, eyes looking him up and down. "Iwa-chan didn't pack any clothes, though."

"You always over pack," Iwaizumi shrugs. "I'll just wear some of your stuff."

"Who said I was going to share?"

"Who said I was asking?"

Iwaizumi smirks and Oikawa laughs again. The train starts moving and he just stares out the window, feeling Oikawa rest his head on his shoulder. It's a long train ride, as Iwaizumi knows from experience, and he remembers impatiently waiting to get home so he can see Oikawa.

But this time, Oikawa's with him and his lips are still numb from the kiss. His heart feels full and content for the first time in what feels like an eternity; the rhythm of the train could easily lull him to sleep, but even if he closes his eyes, he's sure the electricity of Oikawa being so close and their skin touching would make that impossible. His heart's still racing from how close they are but all that anxiety knotting in his stomach has turned into butterflies.

Iwaizumi normally passes by the time by sleeping or listening to music, but he's got nothing to entertain him for the long ride. And yet, he feels impossibly happy at the idea of sitting here for more than an hour, doing nothing except holding Oikawa's hand. Oikawa was right; Iwaizumi's got absolutely nothing with him except his phone, wallet, and a crumpled up ticket. Iwaizumi nonchalantly thinks about the assignments he was supposed to work on, how he should probably tell Hanamaki why he won't be home for a while.

But none of that matters because after months of constantly alternating between feeling like his heart was being ripped to shreds and absolute numbness, he feels at peace and full of warmth. He can see their reflection in the window; Oikawa's eyes are closed, but by the way he's smiling, Iwaizumi can tell he's not asleep. He's always been beautiful when he's sleeping; even the devil can look peaceful sometimes, Iwaizumi had dryly noted once, to Oikawa's great displeasure. The city scenery has turned into a vast expanse of land and trees by the time Iwaizumi's closed his eyes and focuses on the warmth radiating from Oikawa.

This is the kid he caught his first beetle with, the kid he scraped knees with when learning to ride bicycles, the kid he stayed up all night arguing with about something as trivial as which pudding flavors were the best.

This is the teenager he tried to drag to class only to wind up at the arcade with, the teenager he'd force to study by locking away volleyballs, the teenager who he'd gotten thrown out with because sneaking into gyms for 3 a.m. practices wasn't allowed.

This is the person he'd fallen in love with without even realizing, the person he'd do anything for, the person who he knew he could entrust with everything.

Iwaizumi doesn't open his eyes, but when he feels Oikawa lace their fingers together, he smiles.

* * *

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_uh so when're you coming back out_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_we've been here for three hours_

**From: Kuroo Tetsurou**

_iwaizumi?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'd like to take this moment to congratulate myself for managing an update before the year ends, even if it's not the end of the fic. the good news, though, is that they are finally together and we have all made it on this journey where everyone wanted to kill me at some point, hahah.
> 
> thank you for reading and waiting! kudos/comments appreciated, and hopefully the epilogue chapter will be up soon ♡


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